Chapter Text
Dick feels himself bordering on drifting off to sleep while holding a sleeping Tyler, when he hears a knock at the front door. It’s too soon for Tim, Steph, and Jason to be back already. So Dick sets Tyler down gently in his bed, so as to not wake him, and heads downstairs to see who it is.
Dick opens the door which brings in a cold gust of wind and also one Kori Anders. The red haired girl looks happy, her cheeks a bit rosy, and an excited twinkle in her green eyes. She practically jumps into Dicks arms, giving him a kiss.
Now Dick is grinning. “I didn’t know you were coming over.”
She smiles. “I thought I’d surprise you.” She gives a cheeky look and is then is kissing him some more.
Dick kisses right back and soon the kiss turns passionate. Her lips taste of cherry lip balm. She smells of her sweet sugary omega scent. Dick finds himself gripping her and pulling her closer.
Eventually they part with panting breaths. Kori gives a cute giggle. Her lips are red and plump from having been teased and bitten, Dick’s are no doubt the same. “I have something to tell you! I wanted you to be the first to know.” She says with bubbly excitement.
Dick can see her windswept hair and recognise her pink cheeks are flushed from probably rushing over here. It causes a warm feeling in his gut to know she got whatever news and was just so excited that she had to rush over here, and she chose him as the first person to tell this important news to. Butterflies flutter in his stomach.
Dick realises he thinks he really does love this girl.
It’s a shocking revelation, but one he thinks he’s been working towards for a while now, though.
Dick has never even allowed himself to entertain the idea of love. Not since his mother’s passing. He had his siblings to focus on taking care of. He couldn’t afford distractions for himself.
But, he never expected to meet Kori. They fit so perfectly together. She is so bright and positive and strong. She accepts Dick and all his flaws and his messy family drama. She is understanding and so kind. Dick can imagine himself marrying this woman, making her his mate for the rest of time in sickness and in health and all of that good stuff. He’s never felt this strongly about anyone before. It’s a bit scary, but also exciting.
In that moment he makes the decision he’s going to ask her to be official with him. But first, he’s eager to hear what’s got her so energetic and enthusiastic.
Dick closes the front door behind her and beckons her inside with a grin. “What do you want to tell me?”
“You know how I’ve been trying to get modeling gigs?” Kori says and Dick nods. “Well, I managed to get signed to an agency!”
“Wow. Kori, that’s fantastic!” Dick exclaims, heart lighting up in excitement for her. Now he understands why she’s so thrilled. Modeling is her passion and her dream. She has been trying for a while to get gigs, to get signed to an agency is even better. This is going to open up so many avenues for her. She really deserves it. Besides being drop dead gorgeous model material with long legs, killer body, and a beautiful face, she is also so hard working and a great person deserving of good things.
“I know!” She says, with an excited grin. “The agency is located out in LA so I’m going to have to move out there, which is going to be a lot. I’ve never been to California, but I bet it’s just as great as the movies make it seem. Beaches and palm trees. No more cold weather like this city.”
Dick pauses and feels his heart go cold. Any former excitement and happiness drains from his body. The agency is in Los Angeles, California. That’s the complete opposite side of the country. She is moving away. This is the end of their relationship.
He must not do well to hide his disappointed face, because she gives him a pitying look. “I’m going to be sad to leave. I’ll miss you too. But maybe you could visit me some time.” She says positively. It’s a nice thought on her part, but even she's got to know Dick can’t afford a flight or time off work to visit someone in California.
Dick wants her to stay. He feels a selfish urge to ask her to stay. Dick shouldn’t want Kori to deny the greatest opportunity of her life so she can stay living in their shit hole city just so they can stay together. She will have no trouble finding a new boyfriend, a new life. He should want her to move away. Kori doesn’t belong in a place like this. Dick is selfish, he will only hold her back. Him and his drama and problems. Kori is like a shining star. This place will dim her. He can picture her thriving out in California. Getting tan relaxing on the beaches, becoming a famous model, and appearing on magazine covers.
He waits for her to invite him to come with her, run away, live with her out there in sunny California. But she doesn’t. Because of course she doesn't. They're nothing more than a fling, just hookup buddies. They had both not wanted to put labels on anything, so they weren’t even officially girlfriend and boyfriend. Dick was the weirdo one envisioning a life with them together. Obviously Kori's future plans don’t involve him. And they shouldn’t.
Dick doesn’t even know why he feels hurt at the lack of invite. It’s not like he can move away from his family. He actually considers it though. Offering to go with Kori to California. He could start a life with her there. Away from everything. But he can’t. He has a duty to his family. Whatever Dick might dream of is stupid. He’s not good enough to ever leave this place. He knows where he belongs. The rundown southside of this crappy city. Taking care of a household of 7. No degree, no future. He was born into poverty, that’s all his life is and will be. He’s not a naive idiot to think otherwise. Only someone as bright and wonderful as Kori has the one in a million chance to make it outside of this life that they were born into.
“I’m happy for you.” Dick says and hopes he sounds truthful with his lying. He’s got a lot of experience putting on a happy face and lying for the benefit of others.
“Thanks Dick.” She says and gives him a hug.
He feels numb. He didn’t think a breakup could hurt this bad. It’s not even really a “breakup.” He hasn’t done anything wrong, there are no ill feelings, Kori is just moving away and so whatever relationship they had is ending. He feels ill that it wasn’t until now, when he realises he wants to take their relationship to the next level, is when it comes to an end, right before that possibility could even be explored.
“I’m going to have to pack all my things. Would you want to come over to my place and help? Maybe we could order takeout and watch a movie after.” Kori offers.
Dick should accept the opportunity to help her. Kori is his friend. But… “Sorry. I think I’m going to be too busy.” He says instead. Being selfish for once and prioritizing himself. He doesn't think he could handle it. His emotions are turbulent right now.
“Oh ok.” Kori says. “That’s okay.” It seems she's picked up a bit on Dick’s disappointed withdrawn mood. “You’ll at least see me off before I leave?”
“Ya of course. When do you head out?” Dick says. He can do at least that much for his friend.
“I have to leave for the airport tomorrow night.” Kori says.
That’s very soon. Dick won’t have time to process things, maybe that is good. Kori shouldn’t delay in chasing her dreams. Disadvantaged people like them need to seize any opportunity that comes along and grip on tight. People like them don’t get many opportunities like this. Deep down past all his horrible sad regret, is true happiness for her. “I’ll be there.” He says. He takes the initiative to give her a hug this time and walk her to the door and they say their goodbyes.
He shuts the door behind her and breaks down. Regret overtakes him. He should’ve allowed himself to feel. Then he would’ve recognized his feelings for her sooner. Maybe then they could’ve been something more. Maybe then things wouldn’t be happening like this with her choosing to move away. It’s a lot of maybes.
Dick knows the truth. Of course it was going to be like this. He’s stupid for getting his hopes up about anything.
Dick cries. He hasn’t cried in a long time. This feels like the bubbling over of his emotions from the past couple days, maybe the past many years he’s been holding it all in.
He tried to be selfish for once, fall in love, and look where it got him. This must be swift punishment. The universe proving he’s not allowed to have nice things, not allowed to dream and have hope, not allowed to prioritize himself when he has responsibilities to others.
Cass finds him there in the entryway. Back against the door, knees curled up against himself, hugging them. Crying. She panics. “Dick. Are you okay?”
Shit. He’s been caught showing weakness in front of his little sister. He’s supposed to be the one that keeps it together. “I’m okay.” He lies.
Cass of course sees through it. She’s really in tune to all communication that is not verbal. Scents and body movements. She comes over and gives him a hug.
She just holds him for a while and Dick finds himself melting into it, comforted by the calming beta scent of his sister. He closes his eyes and just enjoys this moment. Cass has always been better with physical affection than words. He appreciates it right now. He doesn’t want to talk about things right now, and no comforting words would make him feel better. But getting held like this is really helping. He’s usually the one keeping others together, the one giving consoling hugs to his siblings. It’s nice to be supported like this.
Dick is surprised when he feels another set of arms join them. He opens his eyes to see Damian has joined in on the hug. The boy must have smelled the distress of Dick, and come to see what the matter was, and decided to follow in the lead of his older sister. Dick’s heart becomes warm. Damian has always struggled with showing any affection. But he’s learning and getting better. The sweet boy is overcoming his issues around affection in order to comfort his older brother who is normally the strong one always there for him.
Dick feels like crying for a much different reason. The overwhelming love in his heart right now. Though things get hard, Dick is always so lucky to have his family. There for him, no matter what, no questions asked.
_____
Dick really wishes everything could be fixed with a hug. It definitely helped settle him. But that doesn’t mean he’s no longer upset about Kori leaving.
He needs to get out for a little bit. He retrieves his running shoes out of the back of the closet and goes on a jog.
He used to go on a run every morning when he was in highschool. Then Bruce died and he became more busy with responsibilities, but he still tried to go on a run at least a couple times a week. He's been neglecting working out completely these past couple months. Instead occupied with working overtime everyday to supplement the lost second income of Jason being locked up and unable to work and contribute to the bills. And on top of it Dick became responsible for taking care of Tyler. He’s been so busy, he hasn’t had time to take care of himself and his own needs and desires.
His lungs burn, but it feels good. It's a familiar feeling, the rhythm of his legs pumping, his heart beating, and his lungs working. He pushes himself.
He's frustrated though when he has to stop after a while to catch his breath. He's dismayed by this. When he was more serious about running and working out in high school, he used to be able to do a 5k without breaking a sweat. Now, he's out of breath running to the end of the block. He doesn’t want it to be like this. He feels upset at himself, upset at the circumstances he’s been put in. His athleticism used to be something he was passionate about and took great pride in. He misses that.
He remembers what Slade told him. Maybe it really is time to lay down his foot about some things. Mainly that Tyler is Jason's responsibility. Dick wants to be selfish for once and focus on himself and get back in shape. He wants to feel like he has the time and freedom to go on a run every now again, and not feel chained to his responsibilities to the kids. That's been his life for the past 6 years. And even before Bruce's death, he had a lot of responsibility as the oldest. He's been taking care of his siblings, and even Bruce too, for the past whole 24 years of his life. When does he finally get to prioritize himself?
He wants to know and find out: Who is Dick Grayson? As himself. Not Dick Grayson in relation to anyone else who relies on him: like his family or the friends and girlfriends he’s had throughout the years. Just him, and who he wants to be. It’s strange that that really is a foreign concept for him to be thinking about.
But he can’t waste his time thinking about such things. He has a family to take care of. And other priorities.
_____
Dick shucks his running shoes off at the door and heads into the house to the kitchen to come upon a sight. It seems the three teens had been successful in their heist. A “new” water heater sits in their house. Dick doesn’t care right now what poor dead guy this was stolen from, he’s happy to have hot water back. He’s a little bit proud of the resourceful teens. Of course he could never show that, he’ll give them a disappointed look and a lecture later on why stealing is bad.
They seem fine celebrating on their own. Jason cracks a beer open for himself and then passes one to Tim. Dick intercepts, snatching it. “Nope. Not old enough to drink.”
Tim pouts, but seems to accept the rule. It’s Jason that gives Dick an annoyed look for pretending to be a helicopter parent. “Tim is 15, almost 16, he can handle a beer.”
Dick gives a firm look back. “Well that’s too bad. Because it’s illegal. And as the responsible adult, I say no.”
Jason scoffs. “Responsible adult? You? I know you started drinking around that age. I did too and you didn’t care.”
“And look how you turned out. You’re not a very good or exemplary role model are you? Maybe a good example of what NOT to do.” Dick snarls back.
Jason stands in shock at Dick’s harsh words. Tim quickly tries to step in before it escalates. “Thank you Jason, but I’m good, I don’t need to drink. You can drop it.” He practically begs the omega. “I appreciate you too Dick for looking out for me.” He says to try to placate the alpha.
Jason swings at Dick. Dick is expecting it and steps out of the way. Jason goes for a follow up punch, but Cass is there this time, springing into action and grabbing Jason arm to stop him. “Stop it!” She shouts, sounding very upset, and getting in between the two.
They both freeze at their sister’s distressed scent and voice. “I don’t like when you two fight!” She says to them.
“Sorry.” Dick says to Cass and backs off. Jason glares at the older man.
“Please.” Cass begs.
The tension deflates from Jason's body, he unclenches his fists. “Ok. Sorry.” He says to Cass, rather than Dick. He leaves for the other room to cool off.
Tim is annoyed at Dick. “Why would you do that? You should know better than to provoke him.”
Dick scoffs. “Why is it my responsibility to not provoke him? Maybe he should not get upset by everything.”
Tim can’t believe Dick is acting like this. “What’s gotten into you?”
Cass speaks up. “He had bad day. Was crying.”
Tim looks to Dick in concern upon hearing this. His older brother doesn’t cry. He always tries to maintain a strong appearance for others. If he cries, he does it in private. Tim wonders what transpired in the short time they were gone to get Dick to break down enough that he let someone see him cry? “What happened?” He asks Dick.
Dick looks annoyed. “I’m fine.” He bites back. Dick goes and gathers up all the beer from the fridge, to keep the younger ones from drinking it, and takes it to his room where he locks it and himself in.
Tim doesn’t believe that Dick is “fine” for even a second. But he decides not to push, just lets the older man go. Tim is concerned though. He takes Cass and Damian outside to talk with them in private and ask about what happened with Dick earlier to make him cry. Steph seems pretty shook at seeing Dick act uncharacteristically like himself and joins them, concerned as well.
____
Dick flops down in his bed and just lays there glaring up at the ceiling. He's angry at Jason. Angry at Kori. Angry at himself. Even angry at Bruce. The asshole is the one that put him in this whole situation. It’s Bruce’s fault for getting pregnant, for not aborting him, and bringing Dick into this messed up shitty world. It’s Bruce’s fault, the collection of all his failures as a parent, the biggest of all of them being dying and abandoning Dick to be in charge. Dick thinks he hates his mother. Of course not as much as he hates himself, but it’s close.
He sits up and reaches for and cracks open a beer. The taste of alcohol is a familiar comfort on his tongue.
The reality is, in the past, Dick had felt like he had no room to chastise Jason for drinking when at the time he had often been strung out drunk dealing with the grief of their mother’s death and the stress of taking care of the family himself. He did well to hide it. He doesn’t think any of his siblings know how bad it had gotten.
When he was a teen, he had occasionally snuck a drink when Bruce wasn’t looking, or got a bit drunk at his high school friend’s house parties. He spiraled though after Bruce’s death. It wasn’t instantaneous, he held himself together for a while. But about 3 years in, is when it really started. That’s when he became 21 years old and had legal access to go to bars and get whatever he wanted from liquor stores. By 22 years old is when it was the worst and got to be a bad problem. Drinking became a daily thing to deal with his problems, or rather NOT deal with them. It was also the year he was most unavailable and inattentive to his siblings and Jason got pregnant.
That’s what made him start to want to make a change. But it was hard to change. Let go of an addiction. Drinking made him feel good. It made him feel worse overall when he’d think about how much he was failing himself and others. But in the moment it would always be so great. He cut back, somewhat, but he wasn’t strong enough on his own to fully quit.
He remembers sitting in the hospital while Jason was giving birth and being so filled with worry that Jason was going to die. 16 years old was way too young to be having a pup. At that age there were often complications. Dick spent the whole labor stressing that Jason was going to bleed out and die. When it was finally over, and Jason was okay, and the baby was okay, and Dick got to hold his nephew Tyler, a healthy little boy too precious and innocent for this world, that was it, everything changed for Dick. Dick had felt incredible resolve to change his ways. He got sober. He gave up drinking pretty much completely. It became something he rarely did. Only occasionally, in moderation, to celebrate a good moment. He made sure to never drink when he was feeling down. That’s what had caused his problems. He formed a more healthy relationship with alcohol.
He’s been better ever since for these past almost two years. He can’t even remember the last time he drank. Probably before Jason got locked up. He’s been so busy since then he hasn’t really even thought about drinking.
But here he is now finishing off the bottle…
Dick should stop. He looks over to Tyler in his crib sleeping. Tyler who has been his strength and motivation to not drink. Instead, looking at the boy now, makes him reach for another beer.
Dick had some kind of foolish hope that once Damian turned 18 years old, Dick could finally stop caring for others and start caring about himself. At 32 years old is when he’d finally get to start living for himself. He didn’t expect Tyler to become his responsibility. The boy is only 2 now which means Dick will be 40 by the time Tyler is 18. Only then can Dick finally be responsible for only himself. He feels immensely bitter towards Jason as he chugs the beer.
The baby boy should be Jason’s responsibility. Dick feels pissed that his own brother is shaping up to be a deadbeat absent mother. Leaving Dick to once again, as always, take care of the issues he creates. Dick feels angry on Tyler’s behalf to get such a shit mother. It’s Jason’s fault that Tyler won’t have a mother. It doesn’t have to be like this.
Dick finds himself finishing his third or fourth beer. He used to have more of a tolerance, but it’s been a while since he’s drank more than one or two beers. He’s starting to feel the tingling edges of being close to the precipice of being drunk. He also feels like he wants to take his anger out on someone and start a confrontation with Jason. Dick marches downstairs.