Chapter Text
“Thank you! And we will see you on the internet.”
Dan and Phil... Phil and Dan? They left the stage. They were in Mumbai, the final show of their Interactive Introverts tour. They’d spent months preforming all around the world. Together. For months in a confined space, not that that was out of the norm for them. They’d lived together for almost a decade now, a tour bus was different though. There was other people with them most of the time. Then most nights they were under a lens, scrutinised and looked at by thousands. Finally it was over.
It was a bittersweet end though. They’d get back to their usual lives, together. Always together. Though, Dan knew why they were doing this. Why they’d been travelling around the world and preforming for the last 6 months. Giving the people what they want. It was the title of the announcement of the tour, maybe it was slightly clickbaity but it was true. Dan knew they’d be abandoning the gaming channel at the end of the year. They’d post gamingmas and then disappear. He just couldn’t do it anymore. The parasocial behaviour, the scrutiny, everything was too much.
Dan had his own projects he wanted to work on for the time being. Taking a break first would be good, then he could just pour himself into those projects. He wouldn’t have to think about the parasocial fan base. He didn’t need to be “Dan from Dan and Phil.” He could just be Dan Howell. NOT Danisnotonfire, despite what everyone still called him.
Dan just collapsed backstage. He was sweating from the show. It took a lot out of the both of them, running around on stage in front of thousands. He was on an arm chair just taking a breath. He looked over at Phil, who was standing looking down at him. He scrunched his nose up at the man looking over him. He didn’t speak, not yet. They didn’t really get to speak on stage. It was all a script on stage, they couldn’t deviate from that script.
After a small break, with Dan just calming down on the armchair backstage, it wasn’t a great idea to immediately leave anyway what with all the fans leaving and such. Eventually, though, they left and made their way to their hotel. It was uncomfortably hot in the hotel room. As soon as they got into the room, Dan turned the fan on and flopped onto the bed.
His mind was spinning still. It felt strange that they’d be going home. They’d been living in hotels and sometimes a tour bus for 6 months. Going back to their flat was going to be strange. They’d be back to their setup and could play games properly again. Then in a few months time they’d be... gone. Just gone. Dan would have his own big projects and videos and Phil would... do his own videos. Less projects but that was what he did best. They had their own individual content styles.
Dan was deep in thought about everything he was going to be doing. Overwhelming himself with all these thoughts and stressors. He knew what he was doing next after they uploaded the final video of gamingmas. He would start writing his coming out video. He would live through all of his trauma again and be anxious about how his fan base would react and how much the parasocial behaviour would increase after sharing a part of himself he had hidden and covered up for years, and years at the expense of the person he loved most. The worst part was that hurt wouldn’t stop after that video. It would take another video for that hurt to stop, and the fear and dread he felt for his coming out video was doubled for the other video they’d film years from now. Even just thinking about it made him dizzy.
He was stuck in his head now. He was trying to be happy about how well the tour and show tonight, especially, had gone, but... he couldn’t. He couldn’t be happy about it now that he’d started thinking about that first big project. He needed to do that one first to do the rest. He needed to be his authentic self but that was so hard. He hadn’t been his true authentic self with anyone other than Phil in well... ever. He didn’t quite realise it but he’d curled up from his sprawled-out position as he thought about everything.
He didn’t notice Phil walking over slowly, if he had he would’ve felt horrible. Surely Phil was happy about the end of the tour. Proud of their performance tonight and from all the other shows they had preformed over the last 6 months. Then here was Dan, bringing down the mood again. He felt like he always did that. Whenever he got trapped in his head and needed someone (Phil) to ground him, he felt like a black hole sucking up all of Phil’s light. He knew that’s not how Phil saw him, he had said as much when Dan had told him about how he felt, but it didn’t change that he still thought it was true.
Dan could feel Phil’s hands in his hair, his fingers sort of cascading through the curls the colour of freshly ground coffee. It was a routine, Phil could tell when Dan got overwhelmed and he knew how to help. He knew Dan far too well, nearly 10 years into this relationship Phil could tell what Dan was feeling simply from his body language. Dan could hear Phil’s voice cutting through his thoughts. “It’s okay, you’re here. I’m with you. You’ll be okay.” Phil spoke in a soft but reassuring tone.
Dan could feel tears trickling down his face that he never felt form in his eyes. He was trying to slow his breathing, deep calm breaths. Phil guided him through it as always. The best boyfriend he could have ever wanted. Dan was slightly shaking, relaxing just slightly under Phil’s touch, the kind and soft words taking over his mind instead of the overwhelming thoughts he’d been having before. He could hear Phil’s voice and that was the main thing stopping him from hyperventilating.
“I’m sorry.” Dan whimpered out softly. He felt so bad for bringing down the mood immediately when Phil probably wanted to celebrate their successes over the last 6 months whilst they were touring. Phil shook his head but Dan didn’t see, he wasn’t looking up at him. Phil spoke in a slightly firmer tone than he had been whilst saying the affirmation to Dan and grounding him. “Don’t apologise. It’s not your fault, bear.”
Dan hated how easily he could overwhelm himself with these thoughts. It was never on purpose, they would just pop up and he couldn’t get rid of them. If he was alone, it would take hours for them to go away and just leave him alone. He was so glad he had Phil. He was the best person Dan had ever met. He wasn’t sure what exactly he had done to deserve a partner that helped him through everything, and knew exactly how to help too.
Dan slowly calmed his breathing with the help of Phil. He wiped his tears and moved closer to Phil, if that was even at all possible. He felt Phil’s lips gently press against his head. Dan looked up at him and sighed gently. He felt slightly better now, but despite Phil’s reassurance, he still felt bad for bringing down the mood. He wanted Phil to be happy and celebrate. He didn’t want the man he loved to have the sit there holding his hand and calming him down because he overwhelmed himself.
Dan sat up and sighed gently. He shuffled closer and hugged him tightly. “Thank you, Philly.” He mumbled into Phil’s shoulder. He always had to thank him after Phil helped him. He couldn’t ever believe that he had Phil. This man that he met on the internet in 2009, was here comforting him after they had just been on a 6 month world tour. It was insane.