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“This was the last time.”
Jaime couldn’t help it. He chuckled.
“What?” Brienne asked, sitting up and frowning at him, the sheets held tightly against her chest.
He turned to her, zipping up his tailored trousers. “Last time was supposed to be the last. And the time before that. And-”
She threw a pillow at him. “That’s not helpful.”
“Admit it, you just can’t get enough of me.”
“Oh, shut up. I’m serious,” she said, laying back on the mattress and covering her face with her hands. “This is wrong, Jaime, and you know it. We both do.” Her voice was too quiet. Shame and guilt were coming out of her in waves. It made him dizzy. It made him desperate. It made him want her again.
With a sigh, he sat on the foot of the bed, running a hand over his hair, still damp from the shower.
“What do you want me to say?” Their eyes met as he began to button up his dress shirt, fingers slightly trembling. “It is what it is, Brienne.”
She shook her head, tears filling her eyes, and his heart shrank at the sight. “I can’t do it anymore. I just- I can’t.”
He knelt next to her side of the bed, reaching up to stroke her face with his hand. “Listen, I understand how difficult this situation is for you. I know how seriously you take your vows-”
“Then, don’t ever ask me to break them again.”
He recoiled, her broken whisper resonating in his head a thousand times louder. Brienne rolled away from him and out of the bed, still clinging to the sheet, always too shy, even now.
“You make it sound like I forced you into this. Like I just dragged you along.” She froze in the middle of the room, all tensed up, and Jaime padded towards her, still barefoot. “But you know it’s never been like that between us.”
Her shoulders crumbled. “No, of course. I’m sorry, that was unfair.” Her eyes fixed on everything, anything, except him. “But, I do need to try and mend things with Hyle, for Pod, and you need to promise-”
His laugh sounded too bitter, even to his own hears, and Jaime cringed when, finally, her soft eyes focused on him, but tried to hide it behind a sneer. “Really, Brienne? You’re really asking for the Kingslayer to give you his word on something? Should I remind you that I have shit for honor?”
When her hand cupped his bearded cheek, it took all his self control not to lean into it. He stared at her, his jaw clenching, struggling against the urge to throw her on the bed and take her again, to rip the sheet off and kiss her pain away.
“I know you.” She sounded certain for the first time since this argument had begun, a thread of steel in her words. “I know your honor”.
And Jaime closed his eyes, his insides twisting at this double-edged sword she was thrusting on him.
“I love you,” he blurted out, hoping it would be enough.
She took two steps away from him, livid, flinching as if he had struck her. Resigned, Jaime gritted his teeth, taking courage to speak the words she needed him to say.
"All right, I promise. You won’t hear from me again. This ends today.”
She nodded, frantically, clutching to the sheet like her life depended on it. “Yes. I-I promise- the same.” She leaned against the closed bathroom door, weakly. He nodded, too, feeling numb.
Finality hung over them, suffocating, almost tangible. After a few seconds, Jaime couldn’t take it anymore. He grabbed his shoes and his suit jacket, as fast as he could. No time to look for his socks or tie. He needed to escape.
His hand was on the doorknob when she called out his name. He turned too fast.
Brienne was still jammed against the other door, but she straightened up a bit when his gaze fell on her. Her voice was clear when she spoke. “I love you, too.”
Jaime smiled, mournfully, and studied her for a long moment, one last, urgent attempt to absorb every detail of the way she looked, to imprint it on his soul, along with the rest of his memories of their shared time. Her fair skin and fairer hair, tousled from their lovemaking. Her big hands and long fingers, so harsh, so gentle. Her countless, endless freckles. Her eyes, her eyes.
He walked through the threshold, his feet fighting the invisible hand that kept pushing him in her direction.
Not looking back, he replied “I know”, before the door closed behind him.