Work Text:
The popping sound coming from below the hood of the car was immediately followed by a tired groan of disappointment and a forehead pressing against the leather of the steering wheel. Lonan had been trying for ages to get this stupid car working– and here they were, suffering another failure.
“What was it this time?” They muttered to themself as they triggered the lever below their steering wheel, before climbing out and walking around to the front of the vehicle.
White smoke began billowing out from the car before Lonan released the latch holding the hood in place. He coughed and swatted the air out of his face before peering down at the parts below him. He had sworn he’d had it this time, but no, he didn’t even get to rev the engine above 4000 rpm.
It didn’t take long for Lonan to figure out the problem.
“The engine’s running lean??” He grumbled and walked back over to the driver’s side, looking at the dash and the fuel monitor. It said it was full… but tapping the cracked glass proved otherwise, and Lonan watched disappointingly as the arrow tipped lower and lower.
“So either I’m actually out of fuel, or the fuel pump is undersized… maybe just faulty? I did get it from the scrapyard…” Lonan kept mumbling to themself as they checked over the car. “Might explain the coolant burning off and the white smoke… Engine’s overheated? Is it more beaten up than I thought?? At least that’ll give me the excuse to replace it…”
“Blow up the car again?”
Lonan looked up, slamming the hood closed and finding Euthymius leaning over the black driver’s door that they’d left open. A lighthearted grin played at its lips, and Lonan rolled their eyes despite the smile on their face.
“Me? Never.”
“I think the state of it begs to differ.”
“What are you doing here, Euth?”
The mechanic smiled wider, threatening most lovingly. “Have you eaten yet?”
“...”
“Or taken any sort of break today?”
“... Okay, in my defense–”
Euth tutted, cutting Lonan off. “I don’t care. You’re coming with me, back to the house and out of this garage. You’ve been here too long.”
Lonan sighed obnoxiously, bordering on complaining-whining, but didn’t make any attempt to argue. They knew it’d be pointless, given who exactly they were dealing with. Euth may not be their actual parent, but they had all the spirit of an overprotective yet loving one.
After locking up and grabbing their keys, Lonan allowed Euth to drive them back to their shared apartment a block away. The old man couldn’t walk as easily anymore, so despite the short distance between the two locations, Euth would still be driving everywhere.
“So what exactly was the problem just then?” Euthymius asked, taking a moment to look away from the road and watch the teen.
“I think the fuel pump I salvaged is either undersized or fucked up just enough to be unusable,” Lonan huffed, eyes trailing on the people walking on the streets outside the window, ignoring Euth’s childing of their use of language. “I don’t have the money for replacing that yet if I want a good one. Gotta put in a few more hours at the restaurant this weekend.”
“Y’know, if you actually came to work at the garage–”
“No, Euth, I’m not making you pay for my car,” they glared at the elder. “You need to look out for the employees you already have, and you already pay enough for my shit anyway.”
The car lapsed into silence, and Lonan kept watching the world outside until they pulled into the parking lot.
He ended up back in that garage within the hour anyway, tinkering with the car once more.
The amalgamation that Lonan called a work-in-progress 1980 Ford Mustang was more than just a little passion project. He’d been working on it for a year or two now, since he was fifteen. It was sort of a tribute to his family, to the mothers who had raised him until their passing, to the parent that cared for him now, to the friends-like-family he found himself surrounded with, and to whatever he found in the future. Hopefully, racing, as that was what he was designing and modding the car for. Lonan has and would continue to build this beauty with their own two hands until they deemed it perfect.
It was the only thing they thought they could do with what they had.
Their mothers died when they were… eight-ish? They had gone to live with Euthymius, a family friend, and she was eventually made their proper legal guardian. The nightmares had plagued Lonan for years, and still did on occasion, on the bad days. But they’d been doing better recently compared to when they were twelve. They were proud of the progress they’d made. Even if their heart still panged every time they looked in a mirror, and saw the handed-down proof of everything they had lost and the tragedy it had been traded for.
Lonan sat down behind the wheel and pulled out his phone for a quick break, door open and allowing the music playing over the speakers to flow into the car.
The teen had been allowed to sit behind the wheel when he was younger as Mo performed repairs. Only when the car was off, and if the customer was close and didn’t mind. They would trace their fingers over the buttons and symbols and whisper the names. They practiced hand-to-hand and push-pull steering. Whenever he was a passenger, he challenged himself to name all the signs. His parents gladly encouraged his growing interest in cars.
Of course, things went sour when… they died.
But the first time Lonan had gotten to sit in the driver’s seat again, this time with complete control over the car and what they were doing, it had all come rushing back. The familiarity and foreignity had mixed and settled into a calm in his limbs. His mind did not linger on the distractions and drift out of concentration when he drove, as it normally tended to do. It was quiet and focused, and it felt like home. The moment Lonan stepped out of the car, he’d asked when he could drive again.
He craved it.
This car was what Lonan needed more than anything. It was their devotion.
Scrolling on his phone quickly became uninteresting when he had this car to work on. That’s the beauty of passion projects.
“LONANNNNNNN!” A thirteen-year-old Sunny barreled through the front door of the apartment and tossed herself at Lonan. He let out an umph as she wrapped her arms around his shoulders and squeezed a little too tightly to be comfortable. “I MISSED YOUUUUU!!”
Lonan wrestled themself out of her grip and held her by her shoulders, face split in an impossibly wide smile. “I missed you too, Sunbug.”
“Hi, Sunny!” Euth called from the kitchen.
“It’s been too long!” She whined dramatically. “It’s been forever, like, I think I would’ve died again if I had to wait any longer.”
“Hey,” he bonked her lightly on the head. “You better not fucking die again.”
“Language!” Euth scolded.
Sunny wasn’t wrong when she said it’d been a while since they’d seen each other. Lonan’d been getting more and more busy with university, Sunny was preparing for year 9 (he hoped he wasn’t misremembering her grade), and all sorts of other things that’d been happening. And, of course…
“You gotta show me your car, Lonan, pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeeee please please please please pleaseee–”
“It’s not done yet, Sunny!”
“I don’t careEEeEEe I wanna see ittttt!!” Sunny practically dragged herself behind Lonan, hands clasped and tone verging on annoying.
Lonan spun around, hands on his hips and one eyebrow raised. Euth snicked from somewhere behind them.
“Only if you do the dishes after lunch.”
“Deal!!”
After they’d eaten lunch and cleaned up, Lonan took Sunny down to the garage to see his Mustang. He walked in first, flicking on the light and holding the door for her. He gestured to the car grandly. “Voila.”
Sunny bounded right past him, awe in her eyes. Lonan didn’t have a chance to stop her before she was propping open the hood and looking inside, mouth wide in an o shape. Lonan giggled
“Holy shit.”
“It’s not finished, there’s still a lot more to be done, but yeah,” Lonan said, leaning their hip against the front of the car and watching Sunny investigate the half-gutted insides.
“I can tell, this place is a mess,” Sunny remarked without looking up, clearly referencing the parts scattered around the car. Lonan gasped dramatically and swatted her arm, while the cruel creature he called his best friend just cackled.
“Hey! There’s a system to my madness!”
“Sure there is.”
“I will punt you out the window.”
“Lonan,” Sunny looked up at him, admiration filling her eyes and clearly ignoring the previous remark, turning the mood of the situation on its head instantly. “Do you realize how cool this car is?”
“Hm? I mean– yeah, it’s a cool model, Ford had some pretty great cars in the 80s if you ignore the Bronco and–”
“That’s not what I mean, you fucking idiot,” she said affectionately, a knowing look on her face and a small smirk. “I mean your modifications. Like, this is some Noah-level shit.”
Lonan paused and blinked. Blinked again. “Wait what.”
Sunny closed the hood and leaned next to him against the car. “You’re
obviously not doing this professionally in any way like he did, but you’ve still got some incredible stuff going, even with shitty parts, it seems like it’s going to work really well. If he were here right now…” Sunny nudged his shoulder with her own, arms crossed and grinning. “He’d be impressed.”
Lonan looked down at their hands, unable to keep a giddy smile from their face or the prideful feeling tamped down in their chest.
They’d always looked up to Sunny’s parents, considered them nearly his own– especially given they’d cared for him and taken him in between when his own parents had died, and when Euth had stepped in. Lonan would always offer himself to the aid of any of the Morningcrests, no matter what, because of what they’ve done for him. They’re one of the most wholesome and welcoming families ever. Especially the thought that Noah would be proud, of how he had helped Lonan rediscover their love for cars despite their grief, had filled in the role that Mo previously held.
Lonan probably would’ve resisted going with Euth when he was younger, more if it weren’t for the fact that he knew, despite all they were capable of, Moth, Noah, and Finley already had so many kids. Sunny clearly still thought of them as legitimate siblings; they were best friends and practically inseparable after all– and Lonan still had so much love in their hearts for the other siblings, even with how long it’d been, and they knew it was reciprocated.
Sunny’s compliment meant a lot to him.
“Thank you,” he said quietly, looking over at her.
Sunny tossed an arm around his shoulders, nearly toppling them both over. “You sappy fuck, of course! I mean, it’s 100% true, you met Noah after all, you know what he was like– what reason would he have not to be proud of you bird boy?”
“Oh my god stop calling me bir–”
“Hey I’m hungry! I want some fried chicken Lonannnn!”
“WE JUST HAD LUNCH?!”
As with anything, Lonan’s love grew for the things he enjoyed. His friendships strengthened into familial bonds. They all faced the high times and occasional low times together. He worked on his car. Things were going good.
They were walking out of school when they got the call from the hospital.
“Aether Nightrune?”
He had changed his first name to Lonan years ago, keeping his last name from his birth mothers. And they were still misnaming him??
“Lonan,” they swiftly corrected, biting the inside of their cheek nervously. Why was the hospital calling them?
“Lonan. Euthymius Anima is your guardian, correct?”
The question felt like a knife to the heart for what it implied. They choked on their answer, “Yes.”
What happened? He wanted to scream. He wished he weren’t surrounded by his classmates.
“How far are you from the hospital?”
“Not far.” Just a ten-minute walk. Four times as fast if he drove, but…
The person on the other end of the phone exhaled, as if reluctant to be the bearer of bad news. Lonan couldn’t find it in them to release the breath they were holding.
“Euthymius needs you.”
Heart attack. Not much could be done, not at that point. All Lonan could do was hold her hand and cry. It wasn’t like with Sunny, where she would always come back. Euth was gone. For good.
They'd gotten her heart somewhat working again, gotten rid of the clot, but the amount of time he'd been without air to his brain before he'd been found had been enough for him to be stuck in a comatose state. A ventilator kept her lungs pumping air, but it wasn’t enough. Her pulse in her wrist was weak, and Lonan clutched it like a lifeline.
Which it technically was.
She could hear him, so the doctor and nurses said. But Lonan couldn't think of what to say.
Someone knocked. The door opened a beat later.
Lonan stared, tear tracks wet on their cheeks, as a stranger walked in solemnly, hands clasped behind their back in a way that made them look beyond their years. Their resemblance to Euth was uncanny. The same short, choppy, dusty hair and light eyes, the deep tan skin and splattering of light freckles. They were smaller, though, younger, almost like a piece carved out of Euth and leaving him in this half-lifeless state. This stranger wore a dark magenta sweater and black jeans that seemed too big for them, and Lonan couldn't help wondering what hole this doppelganger crawled out of and if they would take to being told to kindly fuck off.
Maybe they were family, though, that Lonan didn't know about. He found he couldn't bear the thought of that.
“Who-- who're you?” Lonan asked, voice almost refusing to work.
The stranger's eyes met theirs, and as if seeing them standing there for the first time, they widened, glowing with realized recognition.
“Oh, you must be Aether!”
He stared blankly at them, tongue thick in his throat and eyes burning. He could feel his heart thump strongly in his chest and only knew that Euth's couldn't, anymore.
“I'm sorry, where are my manners?” They stepped around the bed and held their right hand out for Lonan to shake. “Merlin. Nice to meet you, finally.”
Lonan's own right hand clenched Euth's tighter. Merlin noticed and swiftly switched hands, though Lonan still did not move to shake it.
“Right. You probably have a question or two.”
Merlin's copycat eyes raked over the form of the comatose Euthymius for a moment before looking back at Lonan. Although their eyes bore a striking resemblance, their gaze was not the same kind, warm one that Euth's was. Their gaze was like glass, beautiful yet sharp and edged. They were one of those people whose eyes were so unnerving, you wanted to get away from them and never bear witness to them again. So, of course, Lonan squirmed and had to fight against looking away. But they would not let Merlin see another show of weakness from them.
“Maybe a bit more than that.”
Merlin nodded understandably. “That's all fair. I don't have much time now, and I'm sure you have much to get to… perhaps we could talk at the funeral?”
Lonan flinched. Hard.
“... Do you really think she's going to make it, Aether?”
He shrugged and finally looked away, deeming it appropriate enough to do so. His eyes landed on the ventilator monitor.
“Maybe they can keep her alive for another day or two, but… I think it's time to admit that it won't go beyond that.”
Lonan didn't speak. Couldn't.
“I'll do most of the planning, yeah? Maybe we'll even see each other before the funeral. I'll try and keep things out of the way of school so you can keep with your classes.”
Merlin sighed after their words were met with more silence.
“I'm sorry for your loss,” they said, softly, the most sensitive thing they'd said all throughout the encounter.
They turned and left, not sparing another glance at Euth. It was only when the door clicked shut once more that the tears began to fall again.
It took a while after that for Lonan to pick themself back up. Merlin had been right, of course. It went as they said; however, Lonan purposefully did not actively seek out Merlin anywhere. Though they had questions, they could survive without seeing that insensitive doppelganger again.
Their mental health dived again, and pairing that with all the new legal things (yet more instances where he was stuck in a room with Merlin), it only weighed heavier on them. He was thankful for his friends staying there for him, letting him rely on them when he really needed to. Hell, he even found love, and for that to happen during one of the hardest times of their life, it gave them strength.
They got a small place after, with their own parking spot. Couldn't bear to stay in that apartment; it only worsened the nightmares. But Lonan kept going, spending whatever free time that wasn’t spent with friends instead working on the car. Sometimes they even did both.
Lonan eventually found a more specific goal that he set his sights on.
The Village.
A somewhat “small” organization of street racers, racing for cash and glory and all things in between. It was more than fun. It was perfect.
Though… Lonan needed a working car first.
There were still quite a few parts missing that Lonan needed. Most he could get from digging in the scrapyard, or at pawn shops, maybe a few he could properly buy himself if he worked enough hours. Sometimes a friend would contribute a few bucks. It was easy to get rid of the heavier stuff in the car, too, that he could sell and use the money for lighter parts.
Replacing the seats was one of the first things he’d done to the car, along with the old carpet, and some of the sound deadening and trim. It actually removed more weight than Lonan had thought, and he later discovered it was because of the Fox Body that the Mustang he was using had.
The car model was initially designed to be more for passenger comfort; however, whoever had owned this car before tossing it into the yard where Lonan found it had taken out the radio, ruined the AC, and trashed various other features. One of the chairs had been completely gutted when Lonan found it, and another had a suspicious stain on it. Quick and easy to trash that stuff and move on.
He’d also switched the transmission and braking systems to manual. He wasn’t the best with manual in the world, but with practice, he knew he’d get the hang of it. Hopefully. Maybe. Lonan had also ended up swapping out other parts for lighter components, like an aluminum radiator instead of copper and brass. Then there were other various upgrades to things like the suspension, or the intake and exhaust systems. Then, of course, the engine replacement with a slightly more modern and better functioning V8 than the beaten one he’d discovered the car with.
There were… some things that Lonan had less than ideal materials to work with. Most of the mods he made would probably receive the disapproval of every fabricator and mechanic out there. But he was being creative. Adaptive! His car was quite unique and absolutely perfect for it.
Like the motorcycle-sourced oil cooler, sandwich plate adapter, hoses, fittings, and mounting brackets that he had salvaged into something that managed to properly regulate the temperature of the oil in the engine… most of the time. It had been a dangerous, risky mod, and it had taken a lot of trial and error. But it basically worked!
They had been working on this car for years now. And it was nearly complete. Nearly ready for racing. Besides a few more small parts and a new fuel tank, all that was left was one thing.
It was a small thing. He’d taken the grip from the motorcycle he’d inherited from Euth and put it on his new manual shift. They replaced the old ones on the original bike with… another important token, but what mattered to Lonan was that now, whenever he drove his car and used the manual transmission, he would be holding onto the same grips that Euth had held whenever she had ridden her bike.
A taste of the past. Perfect for his car that he had devoted to the things and people he loved.
Another such example of these tokens was all the little notes and doodles, from letting all their friends paint and decorate the car with them. There was also a car charm hanging from their rearview mirror that had once been Mo’s, then Momma’s, and now Lonan’s.
So, to put things quite neatly– unlike the inside of his hood– Lonan's car reflected his life in many ways, and he was proud of that.
It wasn't long after Lonan flopped onto the couch before Theseus was sitting down next to him, scrolling through their phone.
“I found something you might like.”
“Hm?”
Thes turned their phone towards Lonan, showing a product open on eBay. “You need this part, right?”
Lonan almost shrieked. Almost.
“IT’S SO CHEAP?! I’ve been looking for AGES!”
Okay, maybe they shrieked a little bit.
Theseus laughed, a chiming of bells. “150 dollars is cheap?”
“Compared to 2000, then yeah, it is,” Lonan looked at Theseus with wide, excited eyes. “With a new fuel tank, then that finishes the fuel system!”
Honestly, Lonan should’ve gotten it a lot sooner. By switching out the engine, Lonan had to replace the whole fuel system; otherwise, it wouldn’t function nearly as well. Actually, that was putting the issue quite lightly– something something modern fuel compatibility and shit– but Lonan needed this.
“I'll get it right now then,” Thes grinned.
“That’s like– basically the last part I need, Thes!” Lonan said happily, wrapping their arms around their partner and rocking back and forth giddily, the grin on their lips feeling like it was breaking the skin of their face. Theseus laughed again, pressing a kiss to his temple.
How long had it been? Five or six years now? That was crazy to think about. Wow.
“I can’t believe it.”
Now he could put that other money he’d been saving up for it to the rest of the last few parts… and he was good to go.
He needed to sign up for his first race. For The Village. They needed to finish painting the car, and they knew Angie would want to give it a final check over; all of those things would have to happen soon. Not immediately, not before he got the last three-ish parts and the tank, but soon– the thought sent a thrilled buzzing through Lonan's veins, and he had to restrain from hugging Thes too tight in excitement– soon he would be on the road.
Holy shit.
When Lonan took his first drive in the Ford, it was four in the morning, the paint was finally dry, and he was wearing an old pair of sweatpants and an oversized shirt he got from… he didn’t even remember. Maybe a concert? Whatever. Not important.
What was important was the drive. Because holy shit, he loved this car.
And it was complete! Finished, after so, so long. Years. Ages. Forever. And here he was, sitting behind the wheel and turning the ignition, and pulling out of the garage and onto the road felt as easy and freeing as breathing. No, as flying. A laugh bubbled out of his chest as he heard and felt the low rumbling of the engine, vibrating the car with the lack of sound deadening and other such devices originally included for passenger comfort. But Lonan didn’t need that, no, not with this.
Revving the engine only caused more laughter to escape as he tore down the street, faster than the speed limit but not too fast to be insane, people were sleeping, but holy shit. The speed, the car, the everything.
Lonan did this.
“Noah would be proud.”
He didn’t drive far, not for too long, it was late, and he was tired, and there were risks to driving the way he was. He wasn’t that stupid. But, y’know, thank the gods for adrenaline being a thing. It was the one thing that made him reconsider cutting his drive short.
After nearly clipping his side-view mirror from pulling into the garage too excitedly, he turned the car off and flopped back in his seat, letting out a long exhale. An impossibly wide grin had taken over his face, and was still refusing to leave minutes later when he finally got out of the car and locked up.
While walking home, he pulled out his phone and opened the Discord server he had joined earlier that day when he had finally confirmed his car would be ready.
Time for his first race.
(But of course, first… some practice. Later. When he was not about to pass out from the post-adrenaline exhaustion and lack of consistent sleep for gods know how long.)
He drives fast just to feel it, feel it…
The music clicked to a stop suddenly, and Lonan quickly rolled out from under their car and sat up on the creeper to see what had stopped it. They were disappointed to find an unfortunately familiar figure standing next to their phone, wearing an old blue button-down, plain jeans, and Vans.
Merlin. Great.
“Good morning, Aether.”
Lonan nodded in greeting, maintaining a vague sense of politeness as they tried to stamp down their annoyance. “What’re you doing here?”
“I’ve heard that you’re racing with The Village.”
He couldn’t help snickering. “Yeah, you could say that.”
“Are you aware of how dangerous that is? You drove off a roof in your first race!”
“Oh, I don’t know. Did I?” Lonan tapped an oil-covered finger on their chin, pretending to ponder the question, before snapping up as if having a sudden realization. “Oh, right! I did! And yes, I am very much aware of how dangerous it is, Merlin.”
Merlin rolled its eyes. “Can you be serious for once?”
“You still haven’t told me why you’re here.”
Lonan got up from the creeper and walked over to their tool chest, grabbing the wrench they needed and another jack stand. Their suspension system had been damaged during the mythical race itself and needed some repairing. That’s what they’d been about to do, at least before Merlin walked in…
“Can I not just check in on you?”
“No.”
Lonan got back on the creeper and disappeared under the car once more. They could hear Merlin let out an exasperated sigh.
“Is it about the garage?” He called out as he tinkered with the sway bar, removing the broken part and securing the other parts so that he could replace the bar. “Come to take that, too?”
Due to a few legal things, Lonan hadn’t been able to continue owning the old apartment once they’d moved out. They were allowed to take over ownership of the garage, though, and switched it from business use to a space for their own projects (and some of their friends’ on occasion).
Merlin was silent for a few moments before it cleared its throat. “No.”
Lonan tossed the sway bar out from under the car and called out, “Could you hand me the new one?”
“What? Oh– is it this?” They watched the new sway bar pop into view under the bumper.
“Yeah.”
Merlin passed it over, and Lonan set to securing it in place. “So then tell me.”
A creak sounded as he tightened the part and removed the jack stands, and another look at the suspension system led to him releasing an exasperated sigh. One of the sway bar links was ripped. GREAT.
“I wanted to give you something of Euth’s that we found only recently, hidden among his things in a storage unit.”
Lonan slid back out from under the Mustang, quickly grabbed a few things from the tool chest, and walked to the side of the car. Thankfully, they’d removed the wheels beforehand for the sway bar, so it wouldn’t be too bad to fix. “Go on.”
“It’s a box of items labeled for you, but I was not able to bring it with me today.”
“Okay. Do you know what’s in it?”
Lonan placed a pair of vice grips on the back of the ball joint studs and removed the nuts holding the link in place with a ratchet. Luckily, they already had a link of the same kind that they could replace the damaged one with. Lonan made quick work of it and put their tools away once more.
“We haven’t looked.”
“Right.” Lonan brushed off their hands on their jeans and turned to Merlin. “Send it my way, I’ll take a look at it. Don’t come looking for me unannounced again, and certainly don’t pause my Twenty One Pilots.”
He grabbed his phone and turned Drum Show back on.
He drives slow if his song’s not over
Drown it out, drown it out…
Merlin just blinked, giving Lonan an almost lost sort of look. As if something they’d said had hurt it. They couldn’t be sure. Couldn’t bring themself to care, really.
“Alright.”
“Bye.” Lonan smiled widely, fakely, and gave Merlin a little wave.
They didn’t watch it leave, didn’t linger on the door shutting close without much of a sound. Just turned back to their work easily, moving on without much other thought. Personally, he thought he’d done a great job of trying to not get that upset by simply ignoring the situation. What a win.
I’ve been this way
I want to change
Lonan would look into that box at some point. Probably not immediately. But that was alright. Yeah.
Yeah…
I’ve been this way
I want to–
“Change my oil?”
A familiar Jag pulled up next to Lonan as they were leaving their garage and locking the main entrance, the rest of the day having been a blur. Sunny, window rolled down and left arm hanging out, other hand comfortably on the wheel, shot him a cheeky grin from the driver's seat. Her hair was pulled back into a side braid that Lonan could immediately identify as Bumblebee's handiwork, and she was wearing an oversized black zip-up hoodie labeled “The Village TM est. 21.12” on the front, along with her favorite green cargos and some crocs. The hoodie had been her own design, her proposal for merch for The Village.
“I already locked up, Sunbeam.”
“Pleaseeee Buttons' shop isn't open today and you're my brotherrrr–”
“... Fine, but I demand compensation.”
“I'll buy you food, don't worry your little bird brain over it.”
A few minutes later, Sunny's car was parked inside the garage where Lonan's had been thirty minutes earlier, with the man himself raising the car onto the jack while Sunny was sitting on a table and scrolling through her Spotify to find “just the right music” to play, because apparently it was her turn with Lonan’s speaker.
“You're lucky I already have the right things, Sunny,” Lonan remarked as he opened the hood and unscrewed the oil filler lid. “And that I hadn't already left.”
“Mimimimi I'm fucking awesome, I don't need luck.”
Seven Minutes In Heaven by MSI filled the garage. Seems like Sunny had chosen the cunty playlist. Lonan couldn’t help but smile.
“Are you sure this wasn't an excuse to just come and see me?”
Sunny didn't dignify his statement with a response, instead coming over and peeking over his shoulder as he carefully drained the old oil into the pan. Once that was done, he replaced the drain plug and began unscrewing the old filter.
“What food would you like as compensation?”
Lonan snickered. “Whatever your broke ass can afford is fine.”
“Hey! I’m not broke!”
“You are with how much fried chicken you buy.”
Sunny swatted at his head, and he quickly ducked, flicking some oil from the pan onto her. She lightly kicked at him at that, but not too much– they both knew if she kicked with full strength, then he would be knocked over and spill oil everywhere. Only one of them went to the gym, and it was not Lonan.
“Then I’ll buy you some fried chicken.”
Lonan nodded and grinned over at her before making quick work of installing the new filter, refilling the oil, and lowering the car. “Give that a test.”
The song switched to Guess by Charli XCX as Sunny hopped into the driver’s seat, hood and driver’s door open, and started the Jag. The high, rough, and throaty sound filled the garage and almost drowned out the music coming from the speaker. Lonan smiled, and one look at Sunny showed that she had a matching one on her face.
Gods, Lonan loved the Jag, everything about it. Noah really outdid himself with it.
He checked the oil level and gave Sunny a thumbs up when it showed the right range. She shut off the car and hopped back out as Lonan closed the hood.
“Chicken time?”
“Hell yeah.”
“So, what did Merlin want?”
Frozen, Lonan’s eyes flicked up from their food that was halfway to their mouth. Sunny was watching him from where she sat cross-legged opposite him on the hood of the Jag, parked in the lot outside the restaurant. She tossed her braid over her shoulder and leaned back, shoulders relaxed as she leaned her hands against the car to brace herself. A glint filled her eyes, the knowing one of a younger sister who knew well what it was like to have Lonan as an older brother, even if it was illegitimate. She knew him well. Her eyes didn’t leave his, and he refrained from squirming as he dropped his hand– and his chicken– from his mouth and inwardly searched for the right words that wouldn’t set too much of anything off.
“It had something for me.”
Sunny tilted her head, all that was needed to be done for Lonan to know that their answer was not enough.
“A box of stuff, used to be Euth’s.”
“Have you looked inside?”
“No.”
“Are you going to?”
Lonan turned their head away, finally consuming their previously missed bite of chicken to procrastinate answering any more questions. It tasted dry in their mouth as they chewed, and they knew Sunny was growing exasperated without even looking at her. The air was shifting as each second passed, and Lonan wasn’t willing to stir it up more.
“Why?”
“Not yet, okay? I’ve mostly moved on, and I don’t need any of that drudging up any old… anything.”
“Lonan–”
“Sunny. Eventually. Alright? Not right now.”
He looked over. She had paused, her eyes still searching Lonan’s face for any sign of wavering, something she could use to understand. It’s not that she had a hard time understanding his mourning. She’d lost more than he had, and she was so, so young. This was something else.
Because the difference between them was that Lonan had held on. They hadn’t been able to do anything but hold on for as long as they could, until it became impossible to do so anymore. They were forced to keep going because their whole life couldn’t be caught up in the past. He had never been able to properly move on from anything. He wasn’t going to slip back into his grief for Euth so easily when it had taken so long to get out of it. It was better he forgot it, ignored it, whatever it took.
Sunny, somehow, carried it all with her. It became a permanent part of her, and it shaped her. It built her, the way she spoke and acted and laughed. Lonan pretended it didn’t exist, that it just happened, and that he didn’t need to be associated with it anymore. Neither of them completely understood how the other did it. One is obviously less healthy than the other’s… but what could be done?
Lonan wasn’t going to ignore the box forever. That would be ridiculous. He was just planning to procrastinate until his curiosity overcame his fear. Then he’d let go of it. That box wasn’t Euth’s, it was Pandora’s jar, containing all sorts of unforeseen troubles for him.
(But beside it all, there lay hope, Elpis, that perhaps they could finally move on and seek closure. Find something that brought him closer to Euth’s memory, who knew. That hope was buried under years of fears that kept a chokehold on Lonan’s heart and refused to let up anytime soon.)
Sunny nodded, seeming satisfied for the time being, scooting closer to him. They finished their food as the sun set, spilling bright, rosy golden blood across the sky and sliced through with streaks of blue and purple the inky shade of elixir.
Lonan frowned as their call was sent immediately to voicemail, the picture of Angie’s smiling face fading into black as their screen reopened their contact list. They tried again, only receiving the same response from her, and additionally, when they tried their other friends’ numbers. They were all supposed to have been at the race, but… they were nowhere in sight when Lonan had looked for them.
He glanced around then, at the small crowd gathered on the city road and the next race already beginning. He’d gotten third place anyway, so it didn’t matter that much, not as much as the fact that they were supposed to be here and were not answering calls, two signs of something bad happening.
Something better not have fucking happened to them, or I’ll strangle each of them myself.
The racer walked back to their car, parked off to the side, and swiftly got in and drove towards Hollis’ house, where they’d all said they would meet before coming to the race. The group had planned to go out afterward, the first time in a while that all their schedules had aligned, save for Lonan’s race. He quickly sent Theseus a text updating them before turning left down the next road and into a neighborhood. Perhaps they were a bit too fast as they pulled into the third house on the right and practically ran up to the front door, knocking insistently and anxiously. They couldn’t help wondering, somewhere in the distant back of their mind, if they were overreacting just a tad.
Well. As they say, better safe than sorry. Right?
When nobody answered the door, Lonan took out a spare key and let themself into the house. The rooms were all dark, the garage empty, and the cat was watching curiously from its perch on the tree. He frowned and left, ensuring the house was secure before he drove off again and was even more lost than before.
Nobody had called or texted back while he’d been in the house, save for Theseus asking if everything was alright. Lonan didn’t think to respond as they considered the possibilities. Maybe they’d already gone ahead to the restaurant, earlier than planned. Strange, given how close said restaurant was to where the race was taking place, but not unlikely.
Lonan turned down a different street in the direction of the restaurant and promptly slammed their foot down on the brake. It took a moment of processing for his heart rate to pick up and for him to park the car and dash down the road. The shrapnel-covered road.
Converse hit the ground erratically as they stumbled while attempting to slow down, not initially realizing just how fast they’d been running. Skidding on the asphalt so much that they landed on their face would not be helpful. But they couldn’t help the lights, blaring and flashing, blur their vision into circles as their brain pounded in a repeating rhythm of familiarity, a sound they’ve heard time and time again without fail, the sirens of danger that never meant anything good.
“Ay, kid! What’re ya doin’?!” A pair of strong hands grabbed their forearms, stopping them from running and preventing them from nearly falling over again. A broad face with deep-set lines and dark, firm eyes entered their vision, bringing more of the world into focus.
Lonan was breathing hard, on the cusp of hyperventilating. Their chest shook with near sobs as they struggled to regain control of their own body. The stranger squeezed lightly, soothing them and attempting to bring them back down to Earth. Lonan blinked repeatedly, their breathing slowly to match his. They could feel his pulse through his wrist where it met their skin. When did they roll up their sleeves? Did he do that?
“Ya okay?”
Lonan choked slightly on their arm, swallowed, and tried again. They noted that the stranger was wearing a firefighter's uniform. “That’s– that’s my friends’ car.”
“Oh, shit.”
That can’t be good.
“I need to–” Lonan attempted to wiggle out of the firefighter’s grip, but he remained unmoving. “I need to go to them!”
“Yer goin’ ta hurt yerself, I swear that we’re helpin’ ‘em, but we don’ need ‘nother person gettin’ hurt, ‘kay?” The man spoke with practiced calmness, as if he had dealt with this situation before. That wouldn’t be surprising, not to Lonan at least.
They met his eyes, pleading with their own as best they could. He seemed slightly spooked by their contrasting eyes, but they didn’t care enough in the moment to be offended. They took his momentary distraction to break free and begin running again.
“Wait!!”
Their mind was slightly clearer from that jarring wake-up, and they were able to fully see what happened as they ran towards the gathered cars. Their heart panged with violent grief and fear, a feeling they were well used to yet hated nonetheless. It took everything in them to ignore to, and to ignore their lungs burning from the cold night air mixed with smoke, their feet hurting, everything hurting in so many unfamiliar and familiar ways.
Running past the firefighters and the ambulances, their eyes focused on the center of the chaos. A familiar red Infiniti M45 2005 was flipped over off the shoulder, clearly having come from the direction of Hollis’ house, with the intention of heading towards the long-ago ended race. Another car was haphazardly parked nearby on the road itself, the front bumper crushed, and the driver sitting on the ground outside it, wrapped in a shock blanket for the cold. Lonan paid her no mind.
Their limbs burned like fire, their engine overheating, but they slid down the slope towards where firefighters were salvaging through the car. Two paramedics carried a stretcher up the shoulder past Lonan, and they faltered as they caught sight of their friend Esther, eyes closed, glasses missing, and makeup smeared, and her expression was… strangely calm. Her red hair was matted and coated with blood. Lonan nearly screamed.
Stumbling the rest of the way and blinking moisture out of their eyes, they had to find the others. It couldn’t be all of them, no, that would be– no, it couldn’t. No. No.
They fell to their knees a few feet away, eyes raking over the shattered windows, smoking engine, and the body of the car crushed. Analyzing the damage. An arm hung out from the gap in the door of the back seat, and the trunk was propped open. That– that must’ve been how they got Esther out. Lonan could see them working now, trying to free anyone else inside. Save any survivors.
They have to be okay. PLEASE.
Scrambling forward, Lonan pulled at any spiderweb-shattered glass still in the frames, hoping to do something, anything, as long as they’re alive.
He met Emery’s lifeless eyes watching from the front seat, green now dull as an unpolished gem. Blood trickled from a deep gash in their forehead and down their face and eyes, as if they were crying the crimson liquid. Their mouth was slightly open, almost fooling that the corners were still being pulled at by working muscles into the smallest of smirks.
Hey, Loony, he could still hear them say. Lonan’s shoulders shuddered upward, and he quickly shook off the strange feeling.
The glass fell free and infiltrated, forming small cuts that littered Lonan’s uncovered skin. He ignored the sharp sting of the wounds and reached inward, unbuckling Emery and pulling them free by the shoulders. He quickly scrambled over to the other side of the car, the windows on that side in much worse condition, making the job quite a bit faster and easier. Hollis was in the driver’s seat, Angie sitting directly behind xyr. Pulling the two of them out proved to be the most difficult part– after multiple minutes of trying without success, Lonan found themself only sobbing more. The nonstop flow of tears paired with their shaking body was most likely what signalled the paramedics that someone was there that shouldn’t be.
Strong hands gently grabbed their forearms and pulled them away. Lonan glared back, finding the same stranger from before. They tossed and fought, trying to free themself from his grip. He spoke, but they couldn’t find it in themself to listen, tears beginning to fully cloud their vision and clog their throat.
“Please.”
Help us, Lonan.
The car grew smaller and smaller, and Lonan’s vision of it faded, too.
But they wouldn’t forget any of it anytime soon.
Lonan realized at the funeral, watching six coffins be placed in the ground during the sunniest day of the year, that waiting wasn’t doing him any good. Waiting to tell Titus how he felt, well– he’d never gotten to. Or waiting to tell his friends just how much they meant to him– which he didn’t realize until after that he hadn’t done it enough, and now he didn’t know if they knew that when they died. If his parents knew he loved them. All three of them.
Regrets piled on top of regrets, look where it was getting him. He was taking steps backward every moment, every conscious breath he took, every race during which he got distracted.
As they had said it would, now so long ago, it took Lonan a while to muster up the courage to even look at the box from Euthymius. It was plain, brown cardboard and labeled in black Sharpie with their name, just as Merlin had said. When he finally found himself interested in its contents, it didn’t take much consideration of how he would do this before he was putting it in the floorboard by the passenger seat and driving towards a certain cemetery. It was one of those cemeteries where you could drive down the path and right up next to the grave.
Euthymius got to see their finished car in all its glory.
“Hey, Euth,” they greeted the headstone as they sat down on the grass, the box next to them. “It’s been… a while. I should catch you up, eh?
“Well, I finished the car. I’m racing with The Village now. You know about them. It’s… actually really, really fun. I’ve met a lot of people though. I drove off a roof during my first race, actually– don’t worry, I’m fine. The car’s fine too, coped a lot better than I thought it would.”
A breeze stirred through the cemetery, scooping up dead leaves from the orange trees and tousling Lonan’s hair, which they’d cut recently. They found themself raising their head and cherishing the light wind, the coolness on their face, the fading afternoon sun settling into golden hour on the horizon, and making way for a long night. Lonan loved autumn. Euth did, too. They’d like to imagine that this was her acknowledging their words from the afterlife, even though that was impossible.
“Merlin, uh, brought me this box a while back. I’ve been procrastinating going through it, not really surprising, knowing me. Kind of… scared, honestly. I haven’t told anybody about it, Sunny knows, but… but not even Thes. And Ti–oh, well, I nearly forgot to mention that… there was a car crash a while ago, and, um…”
Lonan found themself yapping to the headstone for a lot longer than they thought they would. Perhaps they were procrastinating opening the box again, who knew?
The headstone was simple, Euth’s name, birthday, death day, the typical heartfelt RIP beloved parent and driver, yada yada. That’d all been Merlin. But Lonan eventually directed their one-sided conversation back to the box.
“I know you probably want me to get along with Merlin and all, but I just can’t, y’know? It’s just. It’s really hard.” He took a deep breath and pulled the box closer, taking out his pocket knife and digging it into the tape holding it together. “But there are some other things that I can’t be stubborn about.”
I don't want to get more stuck every time I look back.
He pulled the flaps aside and pulled out the first item, a pile of photos kept together by a rubber band. Pursing his lips, Lonan untied the papers and began looking through them while ignoring the stinging in his eyes. Instantly, they knew what these were. Lonan’s moms together, as far back as high school, photos of their dates and their wedding, them with Euth and other friends, and later with baby Lonan. Events with the Morningcrests, all the kids messing around together at a buffet, Sunny and Lonan riding on their mothers’ shoulders at a pool, fighting with pool noodles. Birthday parties, trips, school events. Lonan working in the garage with Mo or Euthymius. Their moms’ funeral… There were fewer photos after that, especially immediately after the funeral occurred. Then, meeting baby Bumblebee. Euth and him, when they first got the broken-down Ford. So many happy memories picking up from there.
Lonan set down the photos and wiped some stray tears away, taking in a deep yet shaky inhale. Without speaking, they kept going. A folded quilt, clearly made of old clothes that he distantly remembered his mothers wore. Favorite shirts and skirts and such. And below that, a small batted teddy bear that Lonan remembered as his favorite when he was younger, and a tiny book of family recipes from his Momma.
There was no letter from Euth, or from his parents, like one might expect (that Lonan hoped to the gods there would be). The box was not nearly as full as the size of it implied– Lonan would guess that Euthymius had sold some of the less precious items near the end to pay for some of the things that couldn’t be afforded. They remembered her mentioning something about her old clarinet, once. Momma’s flute, Mo’s watch.
However, there was still one thing left in the box. A keychain, missing the keys themselves but including a little Swiss Army knife, a tiny Formula One car, what looked like a little bit of yellow and red ribbon, and various other little memorabilia.
He looked back up at the headstone, no longer trying to stall the tears flowing.
“I miss you.”
More than any of you will ever know.
The wind picked up a bit more and carried the daylight away.
Maybe he could stop trying to leave the memories behind. Maybe they were meant to stay with him forever. He wasn’t quite sure how to feel about that. He’d thought it would only make his grief worse, but maybe it took experiencing that grief to accept it. Mourn them, love them. Cope with the hard times and the good times, though they were never there and never would be. Always, always wish they were still around, but… be grateful. Feel those emotions and know what they mean.
That is what love is like.