Chapter Text
Kremy had not meant to spill his guts to Twig. He really had not. But, he’d been drinking wine while he made dinner, and wine always made him chatty, and then Twig had been helping him clean up afterwards and he’d felt all affectionate towards her for being all cute and helpful, so he’d been telling her stories about the old days, when it was just him and Gideon against the world.
He’d just finished telling her all about the time they’d very, very narrowly escaped capture by the town guard by literally leaping onto a steamboat as it pulled away (or rather, Gideon had leapt with Kremy slung over his shoulder), and they’d both been snorting with laughter. Then her laughter had faded away and she’d turned to look at him with her big, shiny eyes.
“Kremy?” She’d stuck her bottom lip out, maximising her collective cuteness, peering up at him. “Can I ask you somethin’?”
“Just did, Twig.” Kremy had chuckled, drying off the lid of the pot she’d just washed. “But sure, ya can ask another.”
“Why aren’t you and Gideon together?” Her voice had been soft, a little sad. Kremy had nearly dropped the lid he was holding. “I know we joke about it, an’ that you’re technically married and everythin’, but…I know you’re not actually together. So I was just wonderin’...Why not?”
“We just ain’t like that, Twig. We’re best friends, that’s all.” It was the same thing he’d said on repeat to himself and everyone else for what felt like forever. Kremy had put the lid away, not wanting anything in his hands.
“But why not? You’re always together, like you can barely stand to be apart for more than a day or one of you gets all antsy, an’ you help each other out with like everything, an’ you’re nice to him in a way you aren’t with anyone else, an’ he takes care of you better than he takes care of anyone else, an’ I know you share the same bed sometimes-”
“That’s just ‘cause I’m coldblooded an’ he gets too hot, it’s platonic.” Kremy had interrupted. Twig had narrowed her eyes at him in warning, and he’d held his hands up in surrender.
“Anyway, what I was trying to say is you just…click, y’know? You both act different with each other, good different. You’ve got, like, a bond. You’re already married to each other anyway, so why not just actually be together?” Twig had gazed up at him. Kremy had sighed deeply.
“Twig, if we were gonna be together, d’ya not think we’d be together by now?” Kremy had pointed out.
“Well, you’re both stubborn! An’ you even ain’t tried it yet! So, how could you know if you haven’t even tried?” Twig had insisted.
“We did try, once.”Kremy admitted, wine overcoming his tongue and turning it gold rather than silver for once. He’d regretted saying the words the minute they were out of his mouth. Twig’s eyes had grown even bigger at the admission, sparkling at him.
“What?! When?! How did it go wrong?!” She’d gasped, clapping her hands to her face, getting soapy water all over herself and her floor. Kremy had sighed, severely regretting this can of worms he’d just opened.
“I tell you this, ya don’t tell anyone else, alright?” He’d said to her, tone warning.
“I swear! Wait, can I tell Pigtunia? She can’t speak Common so she won’t tell anyone else, I promise!” She’d put a hand on her heart and nodded.
“Fine.” Kremy had sighed again, long and slow, and closed his eyes. When he’d opened them again, Twig had been looking at him, expectantly. “Look, it was years ago. We’d been runnin’ this con where…The details don’t matter. Ya just need to know we’d been gettin’ closer, like…Physically. There was a li’l somethin’ there, we both could feel it.
“It just all came to a head one night, an’ we ended up kissin’ in this tavern then gettin’ a room upstairs, an’...we slept together. An’ it was good, real good. I thought that it was the start of somethin’ else for us. I’d been feelin’ some type of way about him for a li’l while, an’ I thought this meant he felt the same way too.
“But then, the next morning…He treated me the same way he’d treat anyone else he’d slept with, an’ it made me realise that he just didn’t feel the same way I did. So, I shut it down an’ we never slept together or ran that con again. Told myself it would hurt less, which I think was probably true. I assumed the feelings would all fade eventually, but…Well. Still waitin’ on that to happen.” Kremy had sniffed, then, rubbing at his eyes. Stupid onions that he cooked with several hours ago, making him cry.
“Oh, Kremy.” Twig had said, sadly. “I’m so sorry.”
“Ain’t nothin’ for ya to be sorry for. I’m just a fool that’s been hung up on the same fella for far too long.” Kremy had tutted at himself. “Made a lot of risky bets in my life. This was one o’ the riskiest. Never paid off.”
He’d sighed, looking down at his hands. He’d never admitted how he felt about Gideon out loud before. He remembered thinking that talking about things was supposed to make you feel better about them, but instead, his chest had just been aching the same way it always did when he thought too much about his stupid, useless feelings for Gideon. Twig had grabbed his hand, squeezing it gently.
“That’s a real long time to be heartbroken for. But, it’s okay, ‘cause I wanna help fix your heart, Kremy! ‘M not sure how to do it yet, but I’m gonna work out how an’ then it’ll all be okay!” Kremy didn’t think that was how it worked, but Twig had been looking up at him with such determination that he hadn’t pointed it out to her.
“Sure, Twig.” He’d said instead, squeezing her hand back. “Let’s finish clearing up. ‘M tired all of a sudden.”
They’d finished washing, and Kremy had gone to bed, heart still aching like he’d ripped stitches out of it. He’d tried to soothe himself with a bath and lighting some of his good candles, bit the ache had remained. Not for the first time, he’d considered trying to make a deal with a hag or a fae or somesuch to get rid of these feelings. He considered trying to contact his patron, but that felt…Wrong. Childish. The Baron was a great power. He didn’t need to be bothered by Kremy’s ill-advised feelings.
He’d felt a prickly sort of embarrassment the next day about the conversation, like he’d revealed far too much. Mercifully, Twig did not treat him any differently, nor did she try to speak to him about it any more. Not that day, or the next , or the next, or the next.
In all honesty, he’d assumed that was the end of it, that Twig had forgotten about her promise to help fix his heart. He’d been grateful for that. Not that he didn’t love her company, but he didn’t want to consider just how the hyperactive Brownie would attempt to heal a broken heart. Words of affirmation said into a mirror, perhaps, or some kind of crafting that was supposed to represent his emotions. Sweet, but ultimately useless.
That was until right this moment, in which Twig had barged into his bedroom, holding a newspaper up at him, gesticulating with it wildly.
“It’s here, it’s here!” She shrieked excitedly, bouncing around.
“The…newspaper?” Kremy asked, frowning. He didn’t think Twig read the newspaper, he’d only ever seen her doing the puzzle pages in the back.
“Well, yeah, but this one’s got my advert in it!” She said, like that explained anything.
“What advert?” This conversation was getting more confusing by the second.
“My advert for you! To find you a new guy! ‘Cause, y’know, you get over someone by gettin’ under someone else.” Twig said the last part like it was sage wisdom. Kremy gaped in disbelief at her.
“Twig, who in the Hells told ya that?” He asked, snout wrinkling.
“Gricko.” She replied, shrugging. Well, that explained it.
“An’ was he wigglin’ his eyebrows an’ goin’ ‘oooeeerrr’ at the time?” Kremy asked, raising an eyebrow. “‘Cause ya shouldn’t listen to anythin’ he says when he’s doin’ that. Or at all, to be honest.”
“Well…Maybe…but it still makes sense!” She protested.
“Twig, d’ya not think I already tried that? ‘Cause I have.” Kremy pointed out. Twig rolled her eyes.
“Yeah, but not properly. This is like, goin’ on dates an’ stuff. Actually tryin’ to like someone new. C’mon, Kremy, please?” She pleaded, making her eyes glisten. Kremy wasn’t sure how she managed to do it, but he supposed it was some kind of fae magic thing.
“Fine.” Kremy sighed. Twig cheered. “But don’t say I didn’t warn ya if nothin’ comes of this. Now lemme see that advert.”
Kremy took the newspaper Twig proffered, eyes scanning the page until he settled on his own advert in the Lonely Hearts section. Ugh. He was going to have to remove this section from the newspaper before it circulated its way around the house. Or maybe he shouldn’t? Perhaps the lack of the page would be more suspicious.
Handsome, suave lizardfolk warlock (42M) with good taste in food and fashion seeks male companion with a quick wit to match his own. Hobbies include cooking, reading and playing cards. Taller height preferred, sense of adventure and love of mischief required. If interested, please write a letter including a short description of yourself and hobbies to the following address:
At the bottom was an address Kremy didn’t recognise.
“What’s this forwardin’ address?” He frowned. He had to admit, the advert was good. It had just enough information about him that it was intriguing, and he was quite pleased with how Twig had described him. “An’ how did you know I like people on the taller side?”
“Oh, it’s a post box I had set up! That way I’m not gettin’ a load of post here, an’ you can’t peek on any of your suitors before you go on a date with ‘em.” Twig nodded, pleased with herself. “An’ I made a guess with the height thing based off of, y’know, the Gideon of it all.”
“Well, ya got me there.” Kremy snorted. Then he registered what Twig had said. “Wait, what? I’m not even gonna get to know what these fellas are like before I meet ‘em?”
“No, ‘cause I know that you’d find somethin’ wrong with ‘em all an’ then you’d never go on a single date.” Twig rolled her eyes at him. Well. She wasn’t wrong, but Kremy still felt a little insulted.
“So, what, ya gonna reply to any fellas that write to ya as me?” Kremy snorted at the thought of Twig trying to imitate him.
“No! I’m gonna reply as Miss T, ‘cause that’s the name I put on the ad, but I’ll tell ‘em all about you, an’ then if they’re interested we can set up a date! An’ then you can meet ‘em an’ fall in love with them.” Twig said, very matter-of-factly. Kremy resisted the urge to roll his eyes.
“I ain’t sure that’s exactly how it's gonna go.” He said, with a great deal of restraint. Twig just flapped a hand at him.
“Yeah, yeah, whatever. Details.” She said, dismissively. “Regardless, all we gotta do now is wait. I bet you’ll get loads of people interested! Then, just leave it to me. I won’t let you down, Kremy, I promise.”
Kremy pursed his lips, looking down at the advert, skeptical in the face of Twig’s unrelenting optimism. Who even read this section of the newspaper? And out of those that did, who would actually be worth getting to know? This entire thing had the potential to be an unmitigated disaster, with Kremy stuck going on awful dates with terrible people. Or worse, he could just not get a single answer at all.
Then again, even he had to admit that the whole pining-after-Gideon situation had gone on long enough. He knew it was hopeless, and yet his stubborn little heart refused to relent. Maybe getting to know someone new would help, make it see that Gideon Coal was not in fact the center of the universe. That there were other men out there, potentially better men?
Privately, Kremy was still unconvinced of that last part, but he needed to start somewhere. He’d never know if he didn’t try. Besides, maybe he should have a little faith in Twig and her date-selecting abilities?
“Sure, Twig.” He sighed. Baron help him. “But I don’t wanna go on a date with just anyone, an’ I’m not wastin’ my life with this. Once I say we’re done, we’re done, okay?”
“Got it.” Twig nodded. “I won’t let you down, Kremy.”
“Thanks, Twig.” He replied, praying to the Good Baron that she would not.