Chapter Text
Xiao Jue awoke with a start. Drawing a quick breath of the cold morning air. The quiet stillness silently breaks with the movement of the early dawn’s first rays.
He would dream this dream often. A conglomeration of memories and what ifs. Chasing after her, the Sun, but being too late. Watching her fall into his arms already wounded and dying.
If I had just been there.
If only I didn't push her away.
If only,
If only,
If only…
In other versions of this dream, he would arrive just a second too late. Late enough to watch her fall - pierced with the end of a bloodied pointed spear or an enemy’s sharp blade. It’s with these dreams lingering in the shadows of his mind that he would often wake up with a start, drenched in sweat and trembling, searching for her.
He Yan.
Last night was one of those nights.
Sitting up slowly, he felt the fur blankets pool around his naked waist. The early morning chill was a welcoming reprieve as his heart thudded in his chest. The sun had just broken through the horizon about a half hour ago. It would be a clear, albeit, a cold winter day.
Turning to his side, he felt the warmth of her next to him. And in that moment, his fears subsided. The quick rate of his breathing slowed.
He Yan.
He glanced over at her peacefully sleeping. Her breathing, even and slow, lost to the depths of deep slumber.
Even though they had discussed this often, the possibility of one of them not returning from war, they had made a vow to keep on living, to keep the other’s memory alive. But still, he could not fathom a world without her - where her light no longer shined next his.
Each and every time he had these dreams, he couldn’t help but want to be closer to her. To feel her. Like the moon chasing the sun across the sky; close, but never feeling he could be close enough.
And that’s when he felt his body ache for her; his soul yearning to be even closer - wanting to permeate every vessel, every living cell of her being.
He removed the fur blankets revealing her naked body. He slowly shifted his weight until he was above her, encasing her in his warmth and shielding her from the cold morning air.
She did not stir.
He watched as a small smile graced her lips as she dreamt.
Very slowly he kissed both of her closed eyelids. She was dreaming about a world he could not see, could not visit with her. He often wondered what she dreamt about, but did not realize he had voiced this lingering question aloud.
“I dream about the Moon,” He Yan answered one evening as they lay in bed together.
He paused, glancing at her allowing her time to continue. But all he received in return was her dimpled mischievous smile in reply.
He couldn’t help but feel she was being evasive with her answer.
Bringing his lips closer to her ear he whispered as she slept,
“He Yan.”
She still did not stir.
He kissed her lightly on the cheek. Then began tracing his lips from the base of her ear, to her neck, down to her chest. His hands grazed over the many scars she received from prior battles, until his fingertips found it. He slowly traced the outline of the scar that lay close to her heart. That scar on her chest that represented her death and eventual rebirth. He often thanked the spirits that they had watched over her then.
For he would watch over her now.
He beheld the image of her safe with him, gently like this, and tucked it away in the back of his mind - hoping to use this moment to chase away those dreams.
He slowly entered her warmth.
He couldn’t help but let out a quiet groan. Despite the fact that they knew each other in intimate ways, could trace every line, every scar, every plane on each other’s bodies, even though they had each other in too many ways to count, it always felt like the first time, every time.
Despite He Yan being fast asleep, he knew she would not mind this type of intimacy. In fact, there were many nights where he awoke, body ablaze, but still in the limbo of dreams and semi-consciousness already seated deeply in her warmth; the moon shining brightly into their room reflecting her graceful figure, her eyes closed, her body rocking steadily atop his.
It was during this time that the silence of the night was quietly broken with moans, murmurs, whispers of love and affection that he just couldn’t get enough of. Fearing that she would be gone when he fully awoke, he couldn’t help but hold on to her tightly as they chased their release.
“He Yan,” he whispered again as he shallowly thrust into her. Recalling the intimate times that they have shared.
He couldn’t get enough of her.
Her warmth, her love.
On the battlefield, he admired her strength, her courage, her determination. She could hold her own better than any man could. They were known as the Twin Stars of Wei - fierce warriors on the battlefield, but few knew the presence of her fiery spirit and the fierceness of their love behind closed doors.
Only he knew, and he smiled at that.
Few knew, though he had a feeling that Cheng Lisu and his wife Taotao suspected the same. Lisu often joked about how Xiao Jue and He Yan rarely left their marital chamber the first few months after their wedding, until Lisu acquiesced to Taotao’s insistence to stop his teasing, much to Xiao Jue’s relief. Lisu would often come by with medicinal brews for stamina, leaving it outside of their bed chamber. He Yan’s laughter would fill the room while Xiao Jue fantasized about the thousand and one ways he could kill his (much beloved) nephew.
“He Yan, He Yan, He Yan…”
He whispered again as his hips moved; his thrusts becoming deeper, quicker, chasing that growing warmth.
He chanted again and again in his mind. Her name falling easily from his lips. His soul called out her name like a mantra, as he tried to follow her to the world of dreams, a place where he could not go.
He Yan, He Yan, He Yan…