Oh cool new upda- WHO THE HELL IS NOSFERATU?!

by OrangesOnSale

Summary:

The killers have an uninvited guest… But hey, at least he’s got a shit ton of candy!
Or:
Yeah, sure, let’s bring the vampire into the house, what could go wrong?

Chapter 1

C00lkidd had been abnormally quiet today, and Slasher wanted to know what was up, as usually this meant that something or someone would soon be on fire. However, when Slasher entered C00lkidd’s room, he simply found the other killer sitting on his bed, eating a chocolate bar. Slasher breathed a sigh of relief, before realizing that there was no conceivable way for him to have gotten his hands on a chocolate bar.

(Uh, hey, where’d you get that?)

C00lkidd, still focused on fitting as much chocolate as possible into his mouth, gave a slightly concerning answer.

“The man in the woods gave it to me!”

(What- What man?!)

“The man in the fancy suit!”

A chill ran through Slasher’s body. He only knew of one possible suit-wearing man in the woods that likes to interact with children.

(Can you- describe him to me?)

“Sure! He’s a little taller than you, he wears a suit and a cape, and he’s got glowing red eyes! He kinda looks like a bat!”

This wasn’t the one Slasher was thinking of, but the question still stood in his mind:

Who the hell is this guy?!

 

Outside, Azure was tending to his garden. It was comforting for him, with nothing but the sound of leaves rustling, the wind blowing through the trees, and someone quickly approaching him from behind.

Wait. What was that last one?

“Noli? Is that you?”

No answer came, and the mysterious footsteps stopped.

“No, you’re too quiet.”

Azure turned around, expecting to see one of the other killers.

“Wait who the hell are you?!”

He did not see one of the other killers.

The spooky figure began to introduce himself:

“My name is Nosferatu. Are you one of the “killers” Specty- I mean- The Spectre- told me about?”

A million ideas of what he should do next rushed through Azure’s mind, most of which involved violence. There was no way in hell this guy was trustworthy.

Azure decided to trust him anyway.

“Yeah. I’m Azure. Do you wanna come with me to see the others?”

 

When they got up to the cabin door, Azure had to bang on it for a good 10 seconds before anyone answered, as usual.

Out of all the killers that could’ve opened the door, probably the worst possible one for this situation found themselves face to face with Azure and Nosferatu.

1x wasn’t thrilled, to say the least.

“Oh, you’re back. Wait, who’s TRAVEL SIZED MOTHMAN OVER HERE?!”

They pointed straight at Nosferatu, who just sighed, and corrected them:

“My name is NOSFERATU, not Mothman.”

Suddenly, Nosferatu spawns a bucket of candy out of nowhere, and pulls a Snickers bar out of it, offering it to 1x.

“What’s that for?!”

“You seem like you need it.”
“Fuck you.”

1x slaps the candy out of his hands, sending it off the steps and into the bushes, and then they turn around, walking back inside.

Once they were out of earshot, Azure turned to Nosferatu, saying:

“They’re always like that, the Snickers wouldn't've had any effect.”

“It was worth a try.”

 

Somehow, nobody really cared all that much that there was a new killer. Aside from John Doe practically interrogating him about his moveset, and C00lkidd asking him every 5 minutes if he had any more candy, Nosferatu spent the rest of the day relatively peacefully. 

Guest 666, however, was slightly concerned by the fact that they’d literally just let a VAMPIRE into the house, and didn’t hesitate to speak (or growl) their mind at dinner:

“Rmmhhh?” (So, uh, dude, do you- drink blood?) 

All eyes were now on Nosferatu.

“I’ve been trying to quit for some time now. Nowadays I mainly get by on candy.”

Everyone seemed to accept this answer, but 666 was still nervous. 

Mainly? That’s not very reassuring…

While they were glancing around the room, trying to spot a suitable wooden object that could be used to kill the person sitting right in front of them in case shit got bad, Slasher asked Nosferatu another question:

(Hey, are you ok with sleeping on the couch down here tonigh-)

“On the COUCH?! HAVE YOU NO HOSPITALITY?!”
(Fine, fine, I’ll sleep on the couch. You can have my room.)
“Thank you. I’m only staying for tonight and tomorrow, so I hope it’s not too much of an inconvenience.”

1x and Guest 666 were relieved to hear this, but C00lkidd was disappointed, as this meant the free candy would soon come to an end.

 

Speaking of free candy, the killers quickly set out to work sorting, eating, and trading the supply their guest had given them.

1x, who currently had a monopoly on all of the sour gummies, noticed something about the baskets the candy was kept in:

“Hey, did you model this after the decapitated head of the pumpkin guy? ‘Cause mine looks weird.”

Nosferatu shrugged, saying:

“I didn’t make them. The pumpkin mage was quite confused about it too.”

Then, 1x turned to John Doe, looking as if they just discovered the deepest secrets of the universe: 

“If I ever get to go trick-or-treating, I’m gonna hollow out Shedletsky’s skull and use it as a basket.”

“That’s disgusting.”

“Says the guy who likes Swedish Fish.”

“Are you kidding me?! They’re DELICIOUS. You’re the one with bad taste. No excuses for liking Sour Patch kids, only 2 of the flavors are actually worth eating.”

“Fuck you.”

 

Meanwhile, Azure and Noli were sitting on the couch, sorting through a few buckets. When Noli found something neither of them liked, he threw it to C00lkidd, but didn’t notice that the child had passed out from a sugar crash about 15 minutes ago, and was now laying unconscious in a pile of candy.

“Alright, let’s see here, we have a tootsie roll pop…”

“Ch-chuck 1t.”

Azure threw the lollipop behind him, it doinked off of C00lkidd’s head, and landed on the ground.

“Fun Dip?”

“I$n’t th-h@t a Val3ntines’ da￥ th1n-ing?”

“I think so, do you want it?”

“1s-s th1$ y0ur w@y-y of a$king m3 t0 be-e your val3nt-entine?”

“Yeah, babygirl~”

Before either of them could laugh, Slasher had already taken out his machete and began running towards them.

“WAITWAITWAIT NO IT WAS A JOKE-”
“ST-T0P PL3A-ASE N0-”

Slasher didn’t listen to their plea, and proceeded to whack Azure over their head with the blunt end of his machete.

(I’VE FUCKING HAD IT WITH YOUR GUYS’ BROMANCE! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU-)

“Ghhhr.” (Stop it with the queerbaiting, just get together already.)

(EXACTL-  wha- …666 shut the fuck up.)

 

The rest of the night was pretty much the same, but eventually the all-you-can-eat candy buffet had to stop when Noli vomited all over the carpet, and Slasher decided they’d all had enough. (Mainly because he didn’t want to clean the floor anymore.)

Everyone retreated to their rooms for the night, and Slasher decided to show Nosferatu to his room.

While they were walking up the stairs, Slasher recounted what had happened with C00lkidd earlier that day:

(So, I was freaking out, because I thought the “Suit wearing man in the woods” was my old pal Slenderman-)

“Oh, I used to know them.”

(Wait really?)

“Yeah, but that was decades ago. We had a book club.”

(Slenderman never struck me as. the kind of guy to do that.)

“Me neither, but it’s really hard to pass up an invitation to the malevolent entities book club.”

(Who else was there?)

“It was me, Slenderman, The Spectre, and פרחים. We got together every Saturday for about 20 years, but then we all split up to do our own thing.”

(Who’s פרחים?)

“Good question.”

This conversation went on for a while, but eventually, Slasher went back downstairs to get some rest. He had a round early in the morning tomorrow.

 

Nosferatu couldn’t sleep. Was it all the sugar? Or is it because he's a vampire, and it’s nighttime? But it’s always nighttime here. Wait, then how the hell had he been able to sleep this whole time up to now?!

No, it wasn’t that.

It was the fact that there was a blood-soaked chainsaw hung up on the wall, and it looked tasty as hell.

I really shouldn’t.

…

Fuck it. It’s been a long day anyways.

 

Guest 666 couldn’t sleep either, but as far as they knew, they weren’t a vampire.

They were more scared of the literal blood-drinking monster that everyone had just let into the house without questioning anything.

Seriously, isn’t that the 3rd rule of vampires? That you don’t have to let them in?

The minutes turned into hours. 

666 was about to drift off at around 5am, but they heard someone walking past their room.

That was almost never a good sign, vampire in the house or not.

They got up, left their room, and walked to the kitchen.

There, they found Nosferatu digging through the fridge.

“Mhhhr?” (You- need something?)

Nosferatu turned around, revealing bloodstains on the front of his suit.

That was the last thing Guest 666 remembered before everything went dark.

 

The lights flickered on.

Slasher sat up, ready to stab whoever the hell had just woken him up an hour early, but before he was able to do that, he heard a yawn coming from a pile of candy behind the couch.

“Guys…? Where did everyone go?”
(C00LKIDD?! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?!)

“Uhhh, like, since after dinner?”

(WHAT?!)

“Grghhhh.” (Hey, sorry for waking you up, but-)

Guest 666 was standing in front of the TV, with a hand clutching their neck.

“Mraahh…” (I think we have a situation on our hands…)

They took their hand away. 

It was covered in blood.

 

Chapter 2

After an entire month of being subjected to 4:30AM organ concerts in the basement, Guest 1337 was looking forward to actually getting a decent nights’ sleep.

He did manage to get some rest, but he was interrupted, not by music, but by the sound of someone pounding on his cabin door.

He was able to drag himself out of bed, and opened the door, where a panicked (as usual) Noob was waiting.

“Guestijustsawglowingredeyesoutmywindowandimscaredidontwanttodie-”

“You saw what?”

“GLOWING RED EYES!!!”

“Noob, I’m sorry, but are you sure it wasn’t a nightmare?”

“I- I don’t know…”

Guest 1337 sighed. This happened on a weekly basis.

“Noob, how about you just go get some snacks from the kitchen and calm down.”

“But- what if it’s out there?”

“I’ll go with you. C’mon.”

While they were walking, Noob showed no signs of having calmed down:

“What killer d-do you think it was?”

“It’s not a killer. Promise.”
“But if it was?”

“Pretty much half the killers have a glowing red eye or two. It doesn’t narrow it down at all.”

Once they got to the kitchen, Noob felt like they were being watched. As Guest was digging through the pantry, Noob saw it again.

“WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?!”

That was the last thing 1337 heard for quite a while.

 

“Guest. Open your eyes.”

 

“…”

 

“WAKE THE FUCK UP!”

 

 

Oh, it was 007n7…

And- 1x1x1x1?

Guest 1337 scrambled to his feet, ready to beat the shit out of the killer in front of him.

“HEY! STOP! WE’VE GOT BIGGER PROBLEMS HERE!”

Elliot grabbed 1337’s hand and dragged him over to a window.

“We’re at Yorick’s Resting Place?”

“Yes. And we’re not alone.”

A Guest 666-sized, monstrous Nosferatu was walking around, almost like he was searching for something. Alongside him was an army of glitchy silhouettes. Some of them looked pretty familiar.

“Okay, man, how did this even happen?!”

“1-It’s @ l0n-ong $tory. C’m0n, ar3n’t w-we ha-aving a $tr-rat-tegy m33ting?”

Elliot sighed.

“Yeah. Do we have any ideas?”

Taph raised their hand.

(We could make him swallow a pipe bomb!)

“Nice, but do you see what we need to make one conveniently available here?”

(You’d be surprised how many things in this room I can make into a pipe bomb.)

“Taph, did you forget Builderman’s proclamation? No sharing illegal information.”

(LITERALLY 1984 IN HERE.)

“1 hav3 an-n ide@!”

Slasher, who knew what kind of shit Noli was about to say, shut him down immediately.

(NO.)

“Aww-ww, ju$t h3-ear me 0ut…”
(Last time you said “hear me out” I got more trauma in 6 seconds than the rest of my life COMBINED.)

“Th@t w-as an 3nt-try l3ve| hear-r me 0ut, man, you hav-aven’t b33n on the-e 1nternet en0u-ou-gh.”
(Really? Is SPRINGTRAP an entry level hear me out?)

“Y3ah.”

Slasher got up, and walked straight out of the room. He wasn’t going to deal with this.

“0h, f1n-nal-ly, I can @ctually $har-re my 1dea. So, w3 kn-know he’s hun-un-gry.”

“Mraaah?” (Do we, though?)

“Y0u lit-itterally ju$t got-t your bl00d-d $u-uck-ked.”

“Hrrrr.” (Good point.)

“H@ve y0u gu-guys 3ver $een th0se-se sn1cker-kers c0mmer-ercials? W3||, I-”

“Dude, it doesn’t work like that in real life.”, Chance interrupted.

The admins, who were sitting on the couch, started laughing.

“What- what’s so funny?”, Noob asked.

“Dave, do you wanna tell them?”

“Sure. So- those ads actually have some truth to ‘em.”

“We aided in their creation, for the future generation.”
“Nrrrh?” (English, please?) 

Dusekkar, annoyed that Gen Z doesn’t speak cryptic rhymes, said:

“The commercials were made to be a hint for people in the future about the magical properties of Snickers bars, specifically their use in pacifying beasts.”

Elliot groaned, and held his head in his hands.

“I don’t have any time for your stupid fucking jokes…”

“I can assure all of you, that what I have said is true.”

“So, we just gotta feed him a Snickers and he’ll be back to normal?”

“Not… Exactly…”

(MAGIC RITUAL?)

“Yes, Taph, magic ritual.”

“0k, y3ah, that’s all-ll w3ll an-nd g00d, but-t wh@t ar3 we-e gonn@ do unt1l th3 ritual’s don3?”

“Ooh, what if 666 fights Nos? That’d be so epic!!!”

“Grrrnnh.” (C00lkidd, there is no way in hell I’m doing tha-)

 

And that’s how 1x found themselves surrounded by a horde of glitchy monsters, trying to hold them back so Guest 666 could continue to fight with Nosferatu, and so Dusekkar could complete an arcane Snickers-bar-blessing ritual.

At least it was a great opportunity for some excessive violence.

The enemies just kept shambling towards them, the perfect setup for a Mass Infection. I think their record of “most killed by a single attack” was 11 by the time John showed up.

Who’s John?

John Motherfucking Doe, here to put an end to the fun.

“Hey, that’s not the most efficient way to get rid of them.”

“Did I fucking ask?”
“THIS IS A LIFE OR DEATH SITUATION!”

“FOR YOU, MAYBE!”

1x lunged at John Doe, intent on settling this the only way they knew how. Doe managed to block their strike with his arm, but 1x was able to get a slash in with their other blade.

John responded by kicking 1x1x1x1 as hard as he could, sending them straight to the ground. 1x tried to get up, but they were heavily corrupted, having landed in a Digital Footprint. A wall of spikes appeared, blocking them off from the other killer.

Doe started walking away, completely sure that 1x would give up and get back to killing.

What he didn’t expect was for 1x to somehow climb over the spikes, land an entanglement, and start slicing him up like a (Insert any commonly sliceable thing here, I can’t think of anything funny). 

After John Doe broke out of the entanglement, he began scratching at 1x’s face, trying to disorient them. It worked, and 1x was forced to retreat, leaving Doe to prepare for the long fight to come.

 

That fight never actually came, though, because before anyone could make another move, vines burst from the ground, restraining the two killers.

Azure jumped down from a rocky ledge where he’d been sitting, apparently having watched the whole fight.

“Hey, sorry to ruin the moment, but we’ve got waaay bigger problems here than whatever the hell that was.”

“Oh COME ON, JUST LET ME MURDER HIM A LITTLE BIT MORE!”

“If I were you, I’d be GRATEFUL. Azure just SAVED YOUR LIFE.”

“NO, YOU WOULD’VE DIED FIRST!”

“If you guys shut up and get back to work right now, I won’t tell Slasher.”

“Fine…”

“Ok.”

 

While this was going down, Guest 666 and Nosferatu were trading blows like Pokémon cards on the playground at recess. Unfortunately, Nosferatu just realized that 666’s Metagross EX was fake, and broke the “No tradebacks” rule.

Guest 666 had sustained some serious injuries, becoming more defensive over the course of the fight, but Nosferatu seemed to just be getting stronger. It didn’t help that 666 was leaking fresh blood from their wounds.

“NRRRAAAAGHHH!” (YOU GUYS BETTER GET THE SNICKERS READY QUICK, I DON’T KNOW HOW MUCH LONGER I CAN HOLD HIM!)

 

Dusekkar was reciting the ancient spell as fast as he could, sounding like he was at Eminem tryouts with how quick he was going through the pages of the spellbook.

“Dusekkar, uhh- a-are you breathing?”

Noob got no reply. They wondered what would happen first: Would the evil horde break through Builderman’s defenses, or would Dusekkar get through the ritual? 

The mage reached the last few lines, as the sound of machinery breaking could be heard from the front door:

“Cur hoc interpretatus es. Habesne vitam. Scilicet incantatio erit inepta et absurda, est fabula ficta. Quaeso, dormi! Aut medicamenta tua sume! Stulte!”

The Snickers bar, seated in the middle of a magical sigil drawn on the bedroom floor, was enveloped in a blue light for a moment. Noob kept their eyes on it, hoping for a successful result.

It looked-

Exactly the same.

Dusekkar coughed out a few words in between gasps for air:

“Oh thank fuck, it actually worked…”

He then collapsed on the ground.

 

When 007n7 woke up that morning, he didn’t expect to be running through an active war zone to deliver a magic candy bar to stop a rampaging vampire, but if there was one thing the Forsaken realm taught him, it was that nothing was out of the question.

He was instructed by Noob to relay the cargo to Two Time, who would deal with the final stretch, but 007n7 was stuck with the hardest part: 

Getting through Azure’s makeshift garden, where the main concern was not the whole evil army thing, but instead inconveniently placed vines and carnivorous flowers.

After tripping over a root for the 3rd time, n7 had had enough. He opened his C00lgui, looking for anything that might help him.

Oh, The Spectre decided to let me have the texture replacing feature today, the incinerate option, the soundboard- WAIT, THE INCINERATE?!

This was perfect.

He pressed the button, setting the radius to try and get all of it in one go.

Immediately, the surrounding flora burst into flame.

Immediately, Azure started sprinting towards 007n7, angrily screaming.

 

Two Time, hidden behind a bush, got hit on the head with a Snickers bar.

“Ow, fuck!”

“Just take it and go.”

“Azure?! What happened to 007n7?”

“Not important. Go. Now.”

Two Time did as they were told, (mainly out of fear), and stepped out from their hiding spot.

Guest 666 was only a short distance away, but them and Nosferatu were completely surrounded by those glitchy monsters.

So, another stealth mission?

They looked around for an opening, but the only things of note they saw were smoke coming from their right, and a lone enemy, separated from the rest of the horde.

Actually, I can work with this.

 

Guest 666 could hardly fight back anymore. They’d lost more blood than they thought was even possible, and their right arm was currently being munched on by Nosferatu, 20 feet away from the rest of their body.

Then, something approached them. Was that glitchy corpse- crawling towards them?

“Hey, we’ve got it!”

No, it was just Two Time, who’d made a skinsuit out of one of the monsters to blend in with the crowd.

“Mhhhh…” (Took you long enough…)

Two Time simply laughed, unwrapped the Snickers, and dipped it in the pool of blood next to Guest 666.

“HRRAH?!” (WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?!)

“Making it more appetizing. Are you ready?”

“Hnnnn.” (No, but I’ll do it anyway.)

“Ok. May the Spawn ensure your safety.”

Two Time darted away, disappearing into the crowd. 

 

Guest 666 struggled to their feet. They managed to limp over to where Nosferatu was standing.

Unfortunately, he heard them, and turned around, ready to attack once more.

Guest 666 panicked, and punched Nosferatu in the face as hard as they could with the Snickers bar. 

There was a blinding flash of light, and then-

Silence.

 

(666? ARE YOU ALIVE?)

They opened their eyes. Slasher was standing over them.

“Raaghh.” (I hope not.)

“Th3y’re fi-fine, they’re m@king $a-arc-arcastic j0kes.”

Guest 666 sat up. Everyone looked ok, more or less, and the surrounding area was almost pristine, with no signs of the earlier battle having taken place.

“Mrrh?” (Did we win?)

(Yeah. NOSFERATU, GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE AND APOLOGIZE!)

Nosferatu was back to normal, thanks to the power of Snickers magic.

“Rude.”

“Hrrr!” (You ripped my fucking arm off, and you complain about him being rude?!)

“Look, that was just a little mistake, can’t you just-”

Slasher, realizing this conversation wasn’t going in the best direction, shot Nosferatu a glare.

“Um, I mean- I’m sorry, I guess.”

“Nrrah.” (Fine, fine. When are you leaving?)

“The Spectre was supposed to come get me at 8.”

(But it’s 9:26-)

“Hey guys, sorry about the fact that rounds haven’t started yet, I slept in late today.”

The Spectre had just walked in (can they even walk in?), wearing their trademark(?) top hat and holding a coffee mug that said “World’s best malevolent eldritch being” on it.

Elliot was… not happy with this revelation:

“So you’re telling me we had to put our lives on the line today just because our EVIL OVERLORD NEEDED ITS BEAUTY SLEEP?!”

“Yes, yes you did, and I need some more. I’m a mess right now.”

“Specty, don’t sell yourself short like that!”

“Thanks, Nos… Wait, why do I hear boss music?”

Probably because Slasher, enraged, was running at them with his machete, screaming:

(YOU MOTHERFUCKERS!!!)

Notes:

Guys, I don’t even LIKE Snickers.
I think I was possessed by the Snickers propaganda ghost while writing this.
(Also I just realized that this would be really confusing for anyone who hasn’t seen the “You’re not you when you're hungry” ads lol)
Happy Halloween? Merry Christmas? Happy Holidays?
I don’t know anymore.
Have a good night!