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Being friends with 12 guys for over 10 years is not unremarkable, it's decently common in normal life. But being in the same music group for over 10 years without any member leaving is considered unheard of.
Minghao was happy with his group. They were successful internationally and he kept a positive relationship with all the members during that time. And while they had some bickering and arguments, it would be unrealistic if they didn’t, especially since these boys had been together since they were still in school. Minghao was especially possessive of his personal space, which the members grew to understand and respect.
When first debuting, Hao believes that was when the members were finding their rock in one another. It would shift for each boy as they would get older, but Minghao’s stayed to be Junhui, his fellow Chinese member. Junhui was in the performance unit with Minghao, spoke the same native tongue, and just knew him better than anyone, Hao believed.
Hao’s right eye could twitch and Jun would know that something was irritating him. And Jun never criticized Minghao, even if he was being dramatic at fault. Maybe it was the older brother in, but he would listen carefully and validate his emotions before trying to find a solution. Jun had taken care of him the most, and Hao was grateful. He was thoughtful and careful; he was Minghao’s rock. Junhui tried to stay as Minghao's rock even while he was filming movies and series in China, but Hao was feeling a little off-balance, more than he would like to admit.
Minghao would admit, he believed he was greedy, he wanted to have the variety of careers that the other members had carried under their belts. Junhui was an actor in his home country, Jeonghan and many members were ambassadors for multiple huge brands, Woozi was a renowned producer who was stacking up on his writing credentials daily it seemed, Seungkwan thriving on every variety show he touched..
Minghao had been begging their company for more exposure on his own solo activities like his solo music that was released, but it was like speaking to a wall. Only Vernon was someone who shared this interest, but also didn’t feel like he was trying to upstage him.
With his rock being overseas, Minghao spent an increasing amount of time with his new music friend, Vernon. Vernon was a calm presence majority of the time which Minghao didn’t mind. Their hangouts were on the quieter side compared to the other duos in Seventeen, but it was a duo stemming from their similarities, their shared temperant.
Minghao thought that he and Vernon were similar in a lot of ways. They shared the same music taste, avoidance of too much spotlight, even sometimes being overlooked.
Minghao liked spending time with Vernon, but it was not the same as Jun. They didn’t share much of their concerns, worries, or fears. Talking to Vernon usually felt like a cousin that you would play video games with, comfortable but not vulnerable that Hao would’ve preferred. At least that was the relationship that they maintained for the past decade.
That changed when Vernon came over to the studio complaining about Seungkwan.
“Seungkwan is always nagging. Nagging about what time I need to get up at, nagging about food, nagging about my clothes.” Vernon complained, plopping himself onto a chair next to Minghao in the studio where Hao was messing around with new beats and sounds.
“You know he’s always like that,” Hao said. He didn’t even spare a look at the now aloof Vernon.
Vernon groans and rubs his eyes annoyed, “Yeah I know, he’s just stressed with the new solos coming out. But I told him that his song is good and the fans will love it”
Hao frowned a little before glancing over at Vernon finally. Raising one eyebrow he said, “Now why would you phrase it like that?”
Vernon removed his hands from his eyes and sat up, “What do you mean?”
“You know Seungkwan is sensitive to stuff like that. He probably wanted some reassurance from you.”
It wasn’t a secret that Vernon and Seungkwan were closer than the rest. They’ve been practically glued to the hip before debut. Even though neither boy would say, the members kind of figured that they had something deeper. Chan swears that he saw the two cuddling and giving each other pecks while they were still in the ‘green room’.
Seungcheol told the group to not meddle, but it was moot hearing it from the man who would turn into a puddle around Jeonghan. The group had flirtatious moments, but Seungkwan and Vernon felt like a real couple, even if they weren’t outwardly acting as one.
“Plus, you guys know that we aren’t supposed to be listening to each other’s solos until Friday.” Minghao turned back to his laptop.
“Yeah, well Seungkwan wanted to.” Vernon muttered, flipping his phone sideways to play a game.
And with that, Minghao didn’t ask any questions. Seungkwan had a control over Vernon that was almost laughable, but Vernon would do almost anything for that boy. There was nothing he would hear when it came to Seungkwan, he knew him best.
After that day, even the brief mention of Seungkwan, Vernon started complaining about his and Seungkwan’s bickering to Hao, frequently. Hao didn’t care too much about any of their disputes because to him, it was all too stupid anyways. Vernon was always wrong, but was too stubborn to hear otherwise. He and Vernon were similar in this as well. Minghao figured that Seungkwan was just trying to care for Vernon, but Vernon liked being immature and acted oblivious to Seungkwan’s feelings.
“I think Seungkwan has gotten louder. I’m going to need to invest in earplugs when I’m around him, it’s like he got louder this past month or something.” Vernon sighed.
Minghao was stretching, sitting on the floor reaching for his left leg. He looked at the other boy in the reflection of the mirror and refocused on his limb. “That’ll only piss him off, you know.”
Vernon shrugged. It was hard for Hao to tell if he was pretending to not care, or if he actually didn’t care. Either way, it grated him, but this was his friend, so he took a breath.
“Are you excited for tomorrow,” Vernon changed the subject, “listening to each other’s solo songs?”
“Oh yeah,” Minghao hadn’t really thought too much because his nerves were creeping up on him. He knew that they would support him no matter what, but it was still nervewracking. He was most interested to see what kind of genres everyone went for, but being next to the same people for years makes you a bit of an expert in them.
—
Hao paced around the studio while Skyfall poured through the speakers, filling the room from floor to ceiling. With every bit of praise the members threw his way, his confidence climbed higher, letting him sink completely into the song. The others bopped their heads, faces focused and unreadable, absorbed in the beat and lyrics. Watching them react to his music felt surreal.
When the song ended, he explained that with the help of some friends and Vernon, he came to the conclusion of this song and it was something that really showed his colors as a person and artist. Still buzzing with anxiety, he walked to the couch and sat himself between Seungcheol and Seokmin, his heart still pounding.
The members’ music didn’t touch on all the genres that he gravitated to specifically, but it definitely felt colorful in the studio from all the different songs. And despite their differences, everyone stayed enthusiastic, trying their best to find something unique to compliment in each other’s songs.
Seungkwan’s track was a pretty melodic song, one of which he would wait to compliment personally later. No thanks to Vernon. Still, Hao couldn’t ignore the tiny smile tugging at Vernon’s lips every time his eyes drifted back to Seungkwan.
When Mingyu’s solo, Shake It Off, blasted from the speakers, Hao immediately started nodding along. It had that polished, bass-heavy sound. It was definitely a club track, the kind he could imagine hearing on one of the nights he and Vernon actually went out.
Glancing at Mingyu’s reaction, stone faced as ever, then his eyes moved to each member’s reaction where he fell to Seungkwan. Seungkwan was practically bouncing, arms in the air, lips pushed into an adorable pout. It was cute actually. Minghao couldn’t stop staring at the younger, who just seemed entranced in the song.
Unable to sit still, Minghao got up and let the beat move through his whole body. The track was just too fun. Beside him, Seungkwan kept dancing, even if his moves were a little awkward, before finally fully standing and throwing his arms up with a cheer. Heat spread through Minghao’s blood, settling in his chest.
Before he could realize what he was even doing, he took three big steps and was towering over Seungkwan. Inches from his face, “You like this kind of music?” he felt himself asking the younger, hand on his shoulder.
Seungkwan beamed, “I do!”
Hao’s eyes were hidden behind his sunglasses, but he couldn’t stop them from tracing the pure face that stands in front of him. Round cheeks, Seungkwans’s whole face changed when he smiled, evident in this moment.
He leans in closer to his ear, reminiscent of being at a loud club, breath brushing his skin.
“I didn’t expect that.” pulling back just as Seungkwan kept dancing, his eyes flickered from each of Hao’s eyes.
He was cute Hao will admit. The younger had grown into his looks over the years, all soft features and effortless charm. People were drawn to him; they always had been. Maybe Hao had just never let himself notice. But now, standing here, the thought hit him hard: Seungkwan was… pretty. The kind of pretty people wrote songs about. Seungkwan was a talented person, no doubt about it, and he had a charismatic personality, but boy was he cute.
“I like this kind of music!” Seungkwan shouted back, coffee lingering on his breath. Hao’s gaze flicked over his eyes, his brows, his cheeks before inevitably falling to his lips. Cute.
Even after the song had ended, Minghao couldn’t stop replaying that moment in his head. Maybe Seungkwan had always been adorable and he’d just never paid attention, Vernon had hogged enough of it, after all. Or maybe the younger one had finally grown into his charm. Whatever the reason, Hao couldn’t shake him from his mind.
Everything Seungkwan did, suddenly, had Hao laughing in his seat, leaning into him, or reaching out to squish his cheeks. “You’re so cute,” he’d say, about a million times a day. But Seungkwan never got tired of it; if anything, he seemed to brighten every time.
“Hyung,” He would respond, dragging the last letter out dramatically, as if he were annoyed, though the huge smile on his face ruined the act completely. It made Hao’s stomach flip every time.
It was like a light had switched on and it was strange. Suddenly Hao was seeking Seungkwan out in every room, clinging without even meaning to. Seungkwan didn’t mind, but what bothered Hao was how easily the younger still gave so much of his attention to Vernon. They’d always been close, but now it felt different. Now Hao wanted that attention for himself. Why couldn’t Seungkwan look at him like that?
The thought alone had Hao feeling sick that night. He didn’t know why these thoughts and emotions were hitting him now all at once, but it wasn’t a natural thing for him at all. Maybe he was lonely. Maybe he’d gone too long without dating. Maybe he was just filling a void with someone pretty who shared his taste in music.
But the more he tried to reason it away, the worse it got.
—
Seungkwan had been dieting harshly for the upcoming comeback, and it was starting to show, not just in his body, but in his mood. The lack of food made him emotional, quicker to frustration, and it ached at Hao’s chest. He wanted him to eat, to be healthy, but he knew that if Seungkwan broke his diet even once, he’d spiral and punish himself even harder.
This worried him so much that he brought it up to Vernon, the one person closest to Seungkwan, who could talk to him without making things weird. If Hao said anything, especially now that he’d suddenly grown so attached, Seungkwan might get the wrong idea.
He rehearsed a dozen different ways to bring it up without sounding overly concerned. He didn’t know why he was so afraid of Vernon thinking he cared too much about Seungkwan, but ignoring the feeling was easier than overthinking it right before the album drop. They all needed to be at 100%, or so he kept telling himself.
“How’s Seungkwan?” Minghao asked as casually as he could, sliding into the seat beside Vernon in the break room. Only Mingyu and a few staff lingered nearby.
Vernon didn’t look up from his phone. “He’s doing alright.” A beat. “Why?”
Minghao looks over at the staff who are talking to one another, probably too loud to hear their conversation, but Hao still feels wary to be too specific with others around. One careless word could become a headline.
“Boo’s been stressed,” Mingyu chimed in suddenly. “He’s doing everything he can for this comeback and then some. He wants it perfect, even if we might not have everyone next time.”
“We all do,” he added, slurping down his second bowl of ramen.
Vernon only nodded, eyes still on his screen. So that was it, Hao guessed. I guess I got my answer.
Minghao isn’t satisfied though, was Seungkwan always pushing this hard before? Has he never paid attention to him? Minghao felt guilty for not putting more effort in his relationships with the members, even if they had been together for so long. He would notice when things were off with them, but it was sometimes something he didn’t want to intrude on. Emotions felt too intense for him to bring up, especially with the sensitive Seungkwan.
“I know, but he seems like he’s getting a little…” Hao trailed off. He refused to mention weight or appearance with staff nearby.
Mingyu paused mid-slurp. “Oh. Yeah, maybe.”
It was a swift answer, his tone having an answer on its own. They shouldn’t be talking about it too openly.
“I think he just gets like that around comeback, but I can mention it to him if you want Hao.” Vernon returns back to the conversation.
“Uh, no, that’s okay. I’ll talk to him privately.” Heat rose to his cheeks immediately. Why did he even bring this up? It felt too personal, too intrusive.
Hao felt his palms sweaty so he wiped them on his ripped jeans and stared at the floor.
“Wow Hao, you’re so thoughtful.” Mingyu smiles, some chicken broth drooling from his chin. Hao couldn’t hold back the disgust that curled in his face.
“You’re an idol.” Hao states, standing back up and pulling his phone out to check the time. 8:57pm
“Hey! Our fans like it when I eat with them live!” Mingyu replies, a small smile forming on his face as he wipes the dripping from his chin.
“They don’t have to see you in the real world,” Vernon adds, grinning, “Luckily for you.”
A pout takes over his puppy-like features, “I think they find this part of me charming.”
Hao waved them off as they continued teasing each other. The staff bowed politely as he slipped out. Minghao closes the door behind him and bumps into a dark blue haired boy.
“Hi, Hao! Are you leaving right now?” Seungkwan’s blue hair and bright smile hit him at the same time, knocking the air right out of his lungs.
Caught off guard and fresh off a conversation about him, Hao choked on his own words.
“Uh, erm-” Hao stumbled over his words and Seungkwan’s eyes widened with concern, “Is everything okay, Hao?”
Minghao let out a nervous laugh trying to recover from his bashfulness, “Uh, yeah. I’m fine. I was just about to leave.” He gave Seungkwan a quick once-over, he was carrying an americano, clearly not leaving anytime soon.
“How about you? It’s a little late to be drinking coffee, no?” He asked Seungkwan who forced a laugh.
Seungkwan forced out a chuckle, “Ha, um it’s going to be a long night for me. I need to prepare for this comeback so I’m gonna sing through the title a couple more times before I head out.”
“Ah, I see.” Hao replied, he badly wanted to brush the hair out of other’s eyes.
“So,” Seungkwan tried again, sensing the awkwardness, “Do you feel excited for this comeback? I feel like there's still a lot of things we need to go over with the choreo and the stage is in a few days.”
Their comeback stage was in 4 days and everyone had said they thought everything was clean and near perfect, including Hoshi who would usually be able to find at least 15 things each of them could fix.
“I thought everything looked great in practice today, what do you think we need to work on? Is it the choreo? Vocals?” Hao tilted his head like a dog, curious about his owner's response.
“Oh yes, I think as a group it’s very good!” He hesitated, eyes narrowing, careful finding his next words. “I think I’ve been falling behind on things, personally.”
Minghao wasn’t shocked hearing this, he could see that Seungkwan was stressed out but hearing the other that it was still hard to process. He always had a sense of confidence that the members couldn’t quite grasp and it was obvious sometimes, he was just a star. “Really? I thought out of everyone, you seemed to know the songs the best and choreo as much as Hoshi.” Minghao expressed.
Seungkwan laughed, trying and failing, to brush the compliment off. “Ah, Hao…”
“I know things have been hard lately—Seungcheol and Mingyu working on their unit, talks about another tour, Hoshi and Woozi preparing for enlistment, our solo work…” Hao let out a slow breath. “But as long as we stay focused and have each other, it’ll be okay. The fans will love us regardless.”
Seungkwan’s brows softened, a warm smile blooming on his face. Hao felt his stomach flip, ears warming, his ears turn a light shade of pink.
“Thank you, Hao. I needed that. I’ve been too hard on myself, I’m just scared of what’s ahead.” Seungkwan explains.
“I just don’t want you burning yourself out before we even hit the stage, you know?” Hao rests his right hand onto Seungkwan’s shoulder and rubs tentatively
“Thank you, hyung.” The word hit him harder than expected. His heart kicked. Why was he reacting like this?
Seungkwan raises his arms and pulls Minghao into a hug, resting his cheek on Hao’s neck. Goosebumps spread over his body as he hugged back instinctively.
Hao inhaled the familiar citrus scent clinging to him, the same one from their trainee days in the green room pushing one another. Maybe it was him being from Jeju, but it was a very grounding smell especially at this moment.
“Mhm.” Someone clearing their voice, breaking them apart instantly.
A small woman with glasses and a black mask stood awkwardly behind them, staring at the floor.
“Oh! I’m so sorry,” Seungkwan said quickly, bowing. Hao followed, both stepping aside so she could pass. She hurried in, bowing repeatedly in return.
Once the door finally shut, Hao rubbed his arm, still flustered. Seungkwan wouldn’t look up either. They hadn’t done anything wrong, but it felt like they’d been caught.
“Um, so I think I’m gonna get going, maybe get food or something.” He waited for Seungkwan to meet his eyes, but the younger only stared at the floor.
Turning around, “Okay hyung, I’ll see you tomorrow at practice. Rest well.”
“Seungkwan,” Minghao’s throat is tight, “Don’t stay too late okay?”
Seungkwan replies with a simple ‘okay’ before shuffling around a corner.
Minghao stares off until his phone buzzes.
Jun: Did you leave yet? If you haven’t yet, do you wanna pick something up and come over :p
He sighed and stepped into the elevator, joining another staff member tucked into the corner. Hao greeted politely, then drifted into his daze again—still replaying the way Seungkwan felt in his arms.
The elevator dinged. The doors slid open.
—
“Am I just being weird?” Minghao asks, food completely untouched while Junhui has nearly completely downed his own.
“Yes.” Jun replied easily, forking the last piece of food into his mouth.
“Jun.” Minghao sighed, finally lifting his fork like it weighed too much.
Wiping his mouth with a napkin, “You’re being weird, Hao. You’ve known Seungkwan for years, and now you’re acting like a schoolgirl with a crush.”
Minghao chewed slowly, glaring at Junhui, waiting for him to continue.
“Listen, I really don’t know what has changed from last month to now, but it looks like you maybe want to be closer to him? But I’ve never felt that kind of nervous or excited around people I wanted to be closer with unless it was someone I was romantically interested in.” Jun perked an eyebrow at Hao.
Minghao thought about it, and he hated how much it made sense. That nervous, fluttery feeling was one he’d only ever felt with girls before.
“Plus,” Jun added awkwardly, clearing his throat, “I didn’t realize you swung that way. Not that it would be a problem,” he clarifies quickly.
“Firstly, I don’t. I’ve never been attracted to a guy. I’ve found guys attractive, like Jeonghan hyung, but not in that way.” Minghao explains honestly.
Before he knew it, he was thinking thoroughly through this. Minghao had only ever wanted to kiss girls; soft skin, sweet perfume, pink lips. But Seungkwan… Seungkwan was pretty too. He always had been. When he cried and Hao wiped his tears, those round cheeks looked impossibly soft. And his lips… recently, Hao couldn’t stop noticing how full they were.
But, Seungkwan was not delicate, he was sensitive and dramatic, but definitely not delicate. Not delicate at all.
“I like delicate, feminine girls,” Minghao insisted. “So this whole thing doesn’t make sense. Especially not with Seungkwan.”
“I mean, Seungkwan can be delicate. When he’s worried about us, when he cries, when he’s drunk? I think he can be pretty delicate.” Jun countered, picking up his dirty plate.
“Feminine. Men are not feminine. He is not feminine.” Minghao corrected, the conversation making Hao lose his appetite.
“Hao, that's ridiculous to say. We’re idols, we get dolled up all the time and fans call us pretty, princesses and such. That's not a good defense.” Jun argues, returning to the table to sit down and talk. “Anyways, I’m not asking you to convince me on why you’re not in love with Seungkwan. If you’re not attracted to him, then you’re not. You don’t have to prove anything to anyone, Hao.”
Hao knew Jun wasn’t judging him. He was trying to help him understand. But now Minghao couldn’t even explain to himself why he wasn’t attracted to Seungkwan.
“Well, you know there’s Vernon.” Hao muttered.
Jun nodded slowly. He knew Minghao was shifting from ‘I can’t like him’ to ‘reasons this would be a disaster.’
“Yeah that’s true, they definitely have something going on, since, well forever.”
Minghao looks at his barely eaten food now.
“I’m not saying you should pursue anything unless you were sure you wanted to, but know it’s not just you that would have to figure things out. It would be the group dynamic obviously, how Seungkwan would be around everyone, and the relationship that has been or is between him and Vernon. I don’t have any reason to believe that they’re not still messing around, but it’s been years and they haven’t outwardly told us, or at least not me or you.” Jun explains.
Minghao opens his mouth to say something, but then shuts it again. Why was this bothering him so much? He’s not gay, he didn’t like Seungkwan, he didn’t like his best friend’s situationship, and he definitely wasn’t gay.
“Honestly, just sleep on it, Hao. Don’t torture yourself over something you can’t even name yet.” Jun stands and rubs Hao’s shoulders.
“Why couldn’t I be worried about being in love with you?” Hao drops his head into his hands.
“Because I would break your heart and ruin the group.” He laughs as he walks away, but the joke hurts Minghao’s stomach.
If he ruined the group, their success, their future, because of feelings he wasn’t even sure were real? Because he misread everything? Because Seungkwan didn’t feel the same? Or worse, felt uncomfortable?
And what about Vernon?
There were too many people standing on this iceberg beneath him: the members, the staff, the fans. One wrong move and everything could collapse.
He couldn’t risk that. He wouldn’t.
—
Their comeback was a success, just as Hao had predicted. Fans were ecstatic over Jun’s return, the new music, and the members’ solos. Promotions were exhausting, but Seungkwan once again became their glue, making sure their name stayed everywhere and was the most talked about this month.
It was finally time for them to take a momentary break before having to jump right back into their schedules, so they were having a team dinner. The dinner was short for Jun due to his new movie promotions in China happening immediately. Minghao was missing him the most, leaving a seat open for him for the chance that the other Chinese member would surprise them and show up for at least one drink before his flight.
Minghao sat beside Dokyeom, directly across from Vernon and Seungkwan. He kept his eyes anywhere but on Seungkwan; during promotions they’d been fine, casual even, but Minghao was too wary of his own feelings to relax around him now.
Seungkwan seemed to notice the cold shoulder, but he kept his energy up with everyone else. “I’m ready to dance!” Seungkwan had said loudly, getting the attention of all four tables.
The dinner had been casual and nice, it was filled with gratitude and drinks. Minghao strayed away from too much drinking, but Seungkwan had drunk enough for him to be ready to move locations.
After paying the bill, the staff said their pleasantries leaving the 10 members left.
“Club?” Dino asked, Seungkwan jumping up with joy at the mention.
Seungcheol shook his head, “I have a headache already, I’m ready to head home. You guys have fun and get home safe, okay?”
And one by one people tapped out: Joshua, Woozi, and finally Vernon, leaving Seungkwan very distressed. He held onto Vernon closely and pouted, “Sol, please don’t go.” He whined.
Vernon shakes his head, “I’m not feeling tonight Kwannie.”
Seungkwan doesn’t hear an answer he likes, “But you were going to be my dance partner,” He slurs the ‘r’ in partner.
Vernon looks around for a moment before landing on Minghao. “Hao can be your dance partner,” He said, tugging Minghao closer. “He’ll take good care of you.”
Minghao straightens, he was thinking of going home but with Seungkwan’s big doe eyes looking at him now he can’t help but break into a smile.
“Really Hao?” Seungkwan slides over from Vernon’s side to now Minghao’s.
“Um, yeah. If you want to,” Minghao replies, the cool air on his neck sobering him up more than he would like.
Seungkwan nods his head obnoxiously. “Okay, cool.” Vernon smiles, pulling Seungkwan into his neck for a second then starts leaving with the others who didn’t want to walk to the club.
“Oh wait,” Vernon turns back around and points at Hao, “Make sure that Seungkwan gets back safe? Don’t let him drink too much more or else he won’t make it back.” Vernon laughs.
Minghao nods, Seungkwan snaking his arm around Minghao’s waist.
The members say goodbye to each other before breaking apart. 6 of them make it to the club and immediately Hao feels a warm familiar feeling.
The loud music and hot bodies have Minghao bopping his head while still dragging Seungkwan around. The group got a table where they don’t stray too far from.
The music swung from early 2000s hits to current tracks. Seungkwan declared “This is my song!” every other minute, and Minghao couldn’t wipe the smile off his face.
The boys dance around, not drinking as heavily, but also still mingling with the other people around in the club.
Minghao spotted a slim, tall, tan, girl with golden hair. She continues to make eyes at Hao throughout the different songs while she inches closer with her friend group. At some point in between songs, when Hao took a sip from his water, the girl was now face to face with him.
Minghao suddenly feels a rush of confidence, “Hey, can I help you?” He asks, smirking. While she speaks in a thick accent, he admires her pretty figure. She had long eyelashes, cat-like eyes, and her lips were thin. This girl was the definition of delicate and feminine.
Minghao wasn’t really listening to anything she was saying or what her name was, all he could think about was how this girl was exactly his type. In a way he wanted to tell Jun about this girl, even if aside from her looks he wasn’t much interested.
But as she swayed beside him, everything about her started to grate, the heavy perfume, the alcohol on her breath, the stiff movements. She wasn’t unattractive; she just suddenly wasn’t what he wanted.
He glanced over and caught Seungkwan staring at him, wide-eyed and confused. The look hit Minghao in the knees, his thoughts about what he and Jun had spoken about spiraled his mind.
Minghao tried to ignore Seungkwan, but the girl wasn’t as attractive anymore. Her long hair kept getting stuck on his arms, her eyelashes were lifting, her makeup was piling, and the alcohol on her breath was becoming unbearable. Even if he wasn’t sure if they even spoke the same language according to the last 10 minutes where he just nodded to her nonsense, he told her he had to talk to someone and she just stumbled off.
Minghao turned back to where Seungkwan was now dancing around with Dokyeom who was laughing at Seungkwan’s silliness.
Minghao moved to his side and tapped on his shoulder, “Hey, you doing alright? Where is everyone at?”
“They left. Dokyeom became my new dance partner since you disappeared with that pretty girl,” Seungkwan said flatly.
“Yes, since you’re here actually, do you want to head out?” Dokyeom asked, looking a little awkward.
Minghao nodded, but only looked at Seungkwan.
—
Dokyeom took a separate car since he was going back with some friends? Minghao hadn’t paid much attention because Seungkwan had been cold to him since he returned to his side in the club. They were standing outside the club as they waited for their car, but the cool air had the hairs on Minghao’s arms stand.
“Seungkwan, are you cold?” Hao asked softly.
Seungkwan didn’t answer, just stepped farther away. Hao sighed and draped his hoodie over his shoulders anyway.
They stood in silence for an uncomfortable amount of time, before Hao couldn’t take it anymore.
“What’s your problem?” Hao asked, harsher than intended.
“My problem?” Seungkwan laughed bitterly. “You’ve avoided me for a month. I don’t speak to you for twenty minutes and suddenly it’s my fault?”
Minghao’s mouth hangs slightly open, not sure what to say.
“I don’t know what I did wrong in the first place. I felt like we were actually becoming closer or something. You heard me out on something personal and then hid from me, what am I supposed to think?” Seungkwan sounded hurt, his voice cracking. Hao couldn’t tell if it was from being angry with him or if it was from the cold weather.
Minghao waited another long moment for Seungkwan to add anything else before he spoke, “I’m sorry.”
“Ha, yes, you should be!” Seungkwan gave a sarcastic laugh.
“Seungkwan. I’m truly sorry. I’ve been-” Minghao started contemplating with himself if he should mention what has been bothering him, but then the black car with tinted windows pulled in front of them.
They scurry into the vehicle and sit beside each in silence again.
“You were saying,” Seungkwan peaks over at Hao who is staring at his coarse hands.
“I, um, I’ve been worried about our friendship.” Minghao admits.
Seungkwan’s eyebrows scrunch up, but he stays quiet for Minghao to continue.
“I don’t know if I’ve been making things up in my head, confused or whatever. I didn’t want to ruin anything so I thought it would be best to avoid you while I figured out how I actually felt before I did anything.” Hao, speaking faster than he has ever in his life.
“Wait,” Seungkwan raises up his hand, “Confused about what? Feelings about what? What are you talking about?”
Minghao takes a deep breath, “I wasn’t sure if I was attracted to you or not.”
Seungkwan pauses for a moment before laughing, hysterically.
Minghao feels horribly uncomfortable, not sure if he should have said anything at all.
“I’m sorry, I made something that was entirely about me about you. I’m sorry if I made you uncomfortable.”
Seungkwan gets quiet again, “Wait you’re being serious?”
Minghao flinches, “Uh, yeah. I’m sorry.”
“Stop apologizing. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Seungkwan says, but Minghao feels sweat forming along his hairline.
“I don’t know, I know that you have something with Vernon and I didn’t want to hurt that or the group or make you uncomfortable.” Now that Minghao has started revealing his thoughts, they all started rushing out like a waterfall that he can no longer control.
“Well, um-” Before Seungkwan can even start, they arrive at Minghao’s place, where he and Seungkwan head into. Minghao doesn’t ask, but Seungkwan is apparently staying over.
“We need to finish this conversation now.” Seungkwan claims when they enter the dining room.
Even as nervous as he is, Minghao can’t help the warm feeling he gets from Seungkwan being mature and strong around him.
“Okay,” Seungkwan takes a breath, “So Vernon and I do have a thing going on. We have for years. We’re not officially dating, but we’re not just messing around. We've been talking about the future and we have plans, but we're kinda both messing around until things settle down. We’ve decided that we will become official after we finish our military services.”
Minghao’s heart sinks a little.
“The group is filled with homosexuals who date each other behind closed doors, it’s not something that would change the dynamic, clearly. And finally, I’m not uncomfortable. I won’t say that it didn’t shock me, but I’m not grossed out. You’re hot. Why would I be grossed out?”
Minghao feels like he is frozen in time and doesn’t know how to respond to everything that Seungkwan has told him. Even if Seungkwan isn’t opposed to him, he’s with Vernon so it doesn’t even give him the chance. And the group is full of homosexuals? Minghao will have to question Jun about this later on because this is its own conversation entirely.
“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say now.” Minghao replies, honestly.
In the warm glow from Hao’s dining room light, Seungkwan’s hair appears to be a brassy brown. Seungkwan sighs, but not in an annoyed way.
“None of it matters anyway, if you haven’t figured it out yet, Hao.” Seungkwan says simply, looking at the dumbfounded Minghao.
“What do you mean?” Minghao feels like he has the stupidest look right now.
“You said you weren’t sure,” Seungkwan said gently, his face hard to read. “What’s confusing you?”
“I don’t know. I feel like I think things about you that are strictly platonic, but then some of my thoughts stumble into romantic territory. Things I shouldn’t think about my groupmate, my friend, a man.” Minghao furrows his brows, explaining. “And I don’t know why it’s happening now.”
Seungkwan’s mouth sours when Minghao says ‘a man’, but quickly recovers.
“What do you think about?” Seungkwan questions the other, which Minghao feels like hiding in a cave and never coming out.
“I’m not doing this, not with you!” Minghao spins around and starts pacing to the living room, his soles aching from his uncomfortable shoes.
“Hao, I just..” Seungkwan’s eyes roam the Bosc Oak floor boards, trying to find a genuine reason.
Minghao stays silent, waiting for a response, he can hear his heart pounding. This whole interaction is the core reason that Hao wanted to avoid in the first place, now things will be weird in the morning when they both sober up (though both would silently admit they were pretty sober at this point, but don’t put either behind the wheel).
“How did you know that you were attracted to Vernon?” Hao asks, surprising himself with his own question. Seungkwan seems to be surprised by the exacerbated laugh he lets out forcefully.
“Why are you asking that Hao? I don’t think it’s relevant?” Seungkwan retorts, clearly not happy with Hao bringing up their relationship. But to Hao, hearing Seungkwan talk about Vernon lovingly can force him out of this trance that has been haunting him for the past weeks.
“Please?” It’s all that Minghao has left in his throat. Seungkwan holds his gaze on Hao for a achingly long time before looking past Hao, staring at a painting that Hao had put up a few days after moving in.
“I don’t understand,” he inhales sharply, “but okay.”
The air between them is so thick even with the 2 feet that separate the boys.
Seungkwan finally speaks, his voice gentler than before. “It wasn’t sudden,” he says. “I think that’s what confused me the most.” Minghao forces himself to breathe, to keep his expression neutral. He asked for this, after all.
“It started with noticing him,” Seungkwan continues, eyes drifting somewhere past the painting, past the room. “Noticing things I never used to pay attention to. How he fidgets when he’s nervous. The way he tries to act unbothered when he’s actually embarrassed.” A small, fond smile lifts the corner of his mouth. “And how his presence somehow settles me. You know I can be too intense, but he calms me.”
Minghao’s chest tightens, eyes locked on the other’s. Seungkwan’s voice is too soft, too close to something dangerous.
“I didn’t think much of it at first,” Seungkwan says, glancing briefly down at Hao’s lips before looking away again. “I just felt… drawn in? And I thought it was friendship. I told myself that over and over. We'd been really young at that point, so I tried to believe I was confusing myself.”
Seungkwan steps forward. Minghao doesn’t move..
Hao swallows hard.
“But then there’d be moments,” Seungkwan whispers, lowering his gaze as if confessing something heavier than he means to. “Moments where everything felt too warm. Too tense. Like the space between us was becoming suffocating.”
The words land on Minghao like a hand on the back of his neck. He knows he should look away, but he can’t.
“And when I finally realized I was attracted to him,” Seungkwan continues, voice barely above a breath, “it wasn’t because he did something dramatic. It was the opposite. He looked at me one night, just a silly toothy grin, and my whole body reacted before I understood why.”
His eyes lift slowly to meet Minghao’s, and this time he doesn’t look away.
“I think that’s how I knew,” he murmurs. “When Vernon looked at me and I felt it everywhere.”
Minghao’s pulse pounds in his ears.
He knows Seungkwan is talking about Vernon, but he wants every word that comes out of Seungkwan’s mouth to be about him.. Maybe there is a chance that he is. Maybe Minghao is imagining it. Maybe he wants to imagine it.
Seungkwan leans back, but only slightly, enough that Minghao has to fight the instinct to follow the movement.
“It’s scary,” Seungkwan adds, voice trembling faintly. “Being drawn to someone you didn’t expect. Someone you never planned on wanting.” The words ripple through Minghao’s ribs like a secret meant for him.
Seungkwan’s gaze flickers to Minghao’s mouth, then to his eyes, then lingers. “Does that help?” he asks quietly, voice thick.
It’s an invitation disguised as a question. And Minghao feels the space between them shrink, even though neither of them has moved.
The air between them felt like it was vibrating, thick and heavy, every breath too loud in Minghao’s ears. Seungkwan’s gaze didn’t flinch.
“I, um, I don’t know what to do,” Hao admitted, his voice breaking. “Every time I’m around you, it’s like I can’t think straight. Which is weird because it was never like this before. I’ve known you forever, I can’t figure that part out.”
Seungkwan’s lips twitched, a ghost of a smile, but his eyes darkened in that way that made Minghao’s stomach twist. “Then stop thinking and start feeling,” he whispered.
Hao’s breath hitched. His lids were feeling heavy.
Seungkwan was looking through him.
The contact made Minghao look up. Really look. Seungkwan was right there, warm, steady, close enough that Hao could feel his breath. Something unspoken flickered between them. A question. A permission. A tension that had been building for months.
“I don’t want to mess things up,” Minghao whispered. “Especially not with you.”
“You won’t,” Seungkwan said, thumb brushing lightly against Hao’s knuckles. “Whatever you’re feeling… you don’t have to be afraid of it.”
Minghao’s breath caught and he leaned in.
The first touch of their lips was soft. Minghao’s hands went to Seungkwan’s waist, clutching the fabric of his hoodie as if he was holding onto reality, because none of this felt real.
After the first peck, came the second, then third. Minghao couldn’t help but notice how plush Seungkwan’s lips were. The smell of oranges and cologne taking over Minghao’s senses.
Seungkwan’s arms wrapped around his neck, pulling him closer, deepening the kiss. It was desperate and slow all at once, a tangle of longing and confusion. Their lips moved in rhythm.
Minghao’s mind was a storm. Vernon. The group. What this meant. And yet none of that mattered right now. All that mattered was the heat of Seungkwan against him, the soft gasp when their noses brushed, the shiver that ran up Minghao’s spine.
Seungkwan pulled back just slightly, enough to let their foreheads rest together, breaths mingling. “Is this okay?” he murmured, voice thick and soft.
“Mhm” Minghao pulled Seungkwan back to his lips, they were too warm for him to not have against him.
And without another word, they fell back into it again, the kiss no longer polite or hesitant.
Minghao snaked his arm around Seungkwan’s slim waist and he can’t stop himself from squishing his sides tenderly. Seungkwan gasps, Hao takes advantage of this and slides his tongue into his mouth.
He could take the alcohol on Seungkwan’s tongue, although it was impossible, Minghao felt like he was getting drunk off of it.
Minghao couldn’t stop the constant movement from his hands, taking it all in as if it was his only chance.
Hao moves his hands underneath Seungkwan shirt where he is met with a gasp, “Cold.” Minghao smirks into the wet kiss and bites his bottom lip.
He rests his hand on Seungkwan’s lower back, pushing his body up against his own, as if he could get any closer. Their bodies pressed up to one another let Hao feel the hardness from Seungkwan’s jeans and Hao drops his other hand onto it.
“For someone not sure if he likes men you sure are bold when touching my dick,” Seungkwan breathily says.
Minghao doesn’t laugh, instead he presses his hand harder against Seungkwan, causing him to moan out so prettily. Minghao moves from his lips, to the corners, to his cheek, to his earlobe. Minghao bites down and receives another gasping moan from Seungkwan.
“I think I can hear that forever.” Minghao thinks aloud, but Seungkwan pay no mind as he holds Minghao’s head against his neck.
“Is this okay?” Minghao finally asks, realizing that they were going further than he ever thought of.
“Please don’t stop.” Seungkwan groans, now dragging his fingertips to the hem of Hao’s shirt, tugging, asking to take it off.
Minghao wasted no time. Seungkwan isn’t allowed time to admire before Minghao is pulling his shirt off as well.
Minghao holds Seungkwan close, nibbling down his throat. Hao starts to feel too constricted in his jeans, so he pulls Seungkwan’s hands and has him follow Hao to his bedroom.
Seungkwan pulls his jeans down and lays back on Minghao’s bedsheets, an image he will never forget. Seungkwan looks so cute and pretty, even when he is looking like he wants to eat Minghao alive.
“Are you sure you want to go further?” Seungkwan asks.
Minghao starts feeling nervous at the implication. “I’ve never done anything with a man before, Kwannie.”
He laughs and pulls Minghao to the bed until his knees hit the edge of the bed. “I know that. I can teach you,” looking up at Minghao with the sweetest eyes, “If you want.”
Minghao can’t form words properly so instead he stupidly nods his head aggressively, exuding another laugh from the other.
“First,” Seungkwan continues, hooking his fingers in the front loops of Minghao’s jeans. “I want to taste you.”
Minghao could have came at just those words, but he tries to keep his cool.
Hao responds by pulling his jeans down way too quickly, leaving his boxers hanging against his hips.
Seungkwan leads Hao to lay back onto the bed, resting his head on a pillow. The angle gives Hao a good look at the top of Seungkwan’s head. He feels embarrassed at the thought of one of his younger members having more experience than him, especially in something so intimate. But the insecurity drifts away when Seungkwan rests his cold hand against Minghao’s already hard shaft.
“Are you fully hard already?” Seungkwan teases.
He squeezes his length again, testing the waters. Hao lets out a gentle moan, to which Seungkwan smirks, focusing on Hao’s face.
He teases him through the boxers, enjoying Minghao’s begging for more friction.
Finally, Seungkwan traces his finger down Hao’s happy trail until he pulls his underwear down, revealing Minghao's long dick. Precum is already leaking out, Seungkwan rubs his pointer finger atop the tip, collecting the wetness before putting his finger in his mouth.
Giving Minghao a show, he swirls his tongue around his finger before pulling it out with a soft ‘pop’.
Minghao feels his body melting into the bed, knots pulling in his stomach at the view of the younger boy leaning over to put his mouth onto Minghao.
Seungkwan pecks Hao’s thighs around his dick before tapping it against his cheek, those round soft cheeks.
“Please.” Minghao begs, but Seungkwan finally gives in and engulfs him in his mouth.
He bops his head a few times before going all the way down, his nose reaching Hao’s pubic hair. Seungkwan pulls off and rubs in slow movements, admiring. “So pretty, just like you.”
Minghao feels a little weird to be compared to his dick, but then Seungkwan sucks the tip aggressively. Minghao loses memory of anything before this moment.
Seungkwan presses his lower half against the bed to get some relief on his hard on.
The whole scene was boarding onto pornographic and something Hao knew he would remember forever.
Seungkwan bobs his head comfortably until Hao needs a faster pace and rests his hand on the dark blue hair. Seungkwan moans at this, Hao feels his stomach tighten at the sound alone.
“You feel so good.” Hao groans, mouth agape.
Seungkwan smiles even with his mouth full and hums in return, forcing another groan out from Minghao.
Using his hand, Seungkwan rubs the rest of Minghao’s dick that he can’t get with his mouth and Hao starts to feel dizzy. “I’m getting close,” He sighs, rubbing his cheek admiringly.
Seungkwan bobs his head faster, sucking harder, “Come on.”
And that was all Hao needed to hear before he came all over Seungkwan’s tongue, the other swallowed with a mischievous smile.
“You’re insane,” Hao says, out of breath, but he sits up. “I want to feel you.”
Seungkwan’s smile stiffened, “Are you sure? You don’t have to do that Hao.”
“Please let me, I want to.” Hao replied, his eyes genuine. He wanted to take advantage of this moment, he didn’t know if he would be able to experience this again, especially since Seungkwan was so giving to him.
Seungkwan only nods before he pulls his boxers down. He leans back onto Hao’s pillows and makes himself comfortable. When he spreads his legs open, Minghao’s mouth falls.
“Don’t look,” Seungkwan closes his legs immediately, a quiet flush painting his cheekbones.
“Why?” Minghao asks curiously, unable to keep his eyes off the other boy.
“I’ve never stretched myself in front of someone before,” He inhales, “Do you have lube?”
Minghao nods, scattering to his bedside drawer.
He shakily hands the bottle to Seungkwan, but he can’t stop thinking of Seungkwan being stretched by someone. Did Vernon stretch him?
Minghao tries to ignore those thoughts because Vernon can’t ruin this moment for him, but his mouth gets the better of him.
“Does Vernon stretch you..?” He asks, already regretting the words that escaped his lips.
Seungkwan’s whole face turns red, his fingers pausing from opening the lube. “Usually yeah, or sometimes I do it myself in the shower. Oh god, this is so weird.”
Minghao isn’t sure if the weird part is that Seungkwan is telling him this or that he’s not doing this with Vernon. He feels a little sad at the thought that Seungkwan could be uncomfortable and wishes it would be Vernon with him right now.
“Can I try?” Hao hears himself ask, getting a surprised looking Seungkwan in return.
He thinks for a moment, “If you want to.. It can be a lot for someone that,” he doesn’t finish the sentence. But Minghao knows what he means
A few hours ago, he was confessing that he thought he wasn’t gay, but here he is- asking his bandmate if he can put his fingers up his ass. Nothing felt real, and maybe that was why Hao felt okay being a little more brave in all of this.
“I want to. If it’s you, I think I can.” Hao blurts out, sounding a little corny.
Seungkwan beams, reopening his legs for Minghao.
Hao can feel his heartbeat in his hand while he rests his fingers on Seungkwan’s pale thighs, he squeezes them, enjoying the full ample skin.
Minghao looks up at Seungkwan who is avoiding eye contact, he watches as Hao leans closer to his body.
“You can put lube on your fingers and start slowly putting them-” Seungkwan gasps as Minghao licks a stripe into his hole.
“What- what are you doing? You don’t have to do that,” He babbles, throwing his head back.
Minghao gives another experimental lick into his hole, watching it flutter in response. Its pink and pretty, so so pretty. Minghao glances back up to Seungkwan. His eyes are screwed shut and mouth agape.
“I’ve never eaten someone’s ass out before,” Minghao thinks aloud, Seungkwan responds in soft moans.
He leans back in, peppering his hole with pecks, then transitioning into sucks. He admires the love bites that are starting to cover the pale skin surrounding Seungkwan’s hole.
He finally presses a thumb against Seungkwan’s hole, but he is already being pulled inside.
“So greedy,” Minghao whispers, gaining a loud whimper in return. Minghao smirks before he pushes his index finger fully.
“More Hao, please,”
Hao looks up unsure, “It’s only one finger, you want another one already?”
Seungkwan aggressively nods his head, biting his lips.
Minghao spends the next ten minutes prepping Seungkwan, but he can feel himself nearly fully hard. Trying to avoid being impatient, he tries to focus on Seungkwan’s lewd noises. Seungkwan being the main vocal in their group was not unsurprising with his angelic voice, but no fan would get to hear his voice in this environment.
“Oh, Hao,” Seungkwan is breathless, but Hao feels like he’s about to pass out. “Can you put it in me?”
Minghao hesitates, “But you’re still so tight.”
Seungkwan shakes his head, “I can take it.”
Minghao sits on his knees, holding Seungkwan’s legs beside his hips.
He lines himself up with Seungkwan and he starts feeling anxious about hurting him or finishing too fast. Seungkwan doesn’t let him think too much, though, a pornographic sound releases from his lips.
“I can’t wait anymore, please,” He begs and Minghao waits no time pushing himself inside the other.
It’s tight, as Hao expected, but oh did it feel good. It was a feeling he had never felt before and their warm bodies against each other just added to the pleasure.
Hao knew he was going to finish at an embarrassingly fast pace, but he couldn’t hold it back when watching Seungkwan’s blown out expression.
He stills while he waits for Seungkwan to adjust to his size before finally finding a steady pace.
“You feel so good,” Seungkwan moans out, his hole clenching around Minghao, as if it would be possible.
“I think I could do this forever, why have I not done this before?” Minghao asks aloud, enjoying Seungkwan pulling Hao down to kiss his neck.
Hao realizes that he likes feeling Seungkwan’s feverish fingers around his body, but he prefers watching his face extort into pleasure. Seungkwan had long eyelashes and his eyebrows would push up as if he were in pain. His round cheeks made Hao want to pinch and his chest was heaving.
Minghao kept pushing into him until Seungkwan froze and groaned loudly, “Right there,”
Minghao tried to find the same spot to get the reaction again. When he does, Seungkwan becomes louder and his body was tightening harder than Hao thought would be possible.
They moaned together, Hao could feel his body tensing, he was about to come.
The way Seungkwan was squeezing, Hao knew he was about to finish as well.
“You look so pretty, Seungkwan. So delicate,” Minghao groaned, before finishing inside Seungkwan. Seungkwan followed shortly after. Minghao rolls onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.
Hao felt a little gross until he looked over at Seungkwan. His blue black hair was stuck against his forehead and a clear sheer of sweat layered his body. He liked admiring Seungkwan, even like this, and Seungkwan had a small relaxed smile resting atop his lips.
Minghao, without thinking, leaned over and kissed Seungkwan’s lips. The other kissed back quickly, it was gentle compared to their previous ones.
Hao started thinking about everything, looking back at the ceiling. Was he bisexual? What about the group? Was it good for Seungkwan? What about Vernon?
Before Hao could start interrogating Seungkwan about anything, the other boy seemed to be quick asleep. The mix of the stress, drinking, and sex, seemed to knock him out completely.
Hao got up to clean himself and Seungkwan before he could rest completely.
He went to the bathroom and caught his reflection in the mirror; he was smiling, sweaty, and face flushed. He sighed, oh my god.
—
The sun wasn’t even fully up yet when Minghao woke up. His eyes opened slowly, adjusting to the soft morning light filtering through his curtains. Seungkwan was beside him, back turned, slim shoulders rising and falling with steady breaths.
For just a moment, Minghao let himself watch him. Let himself feel the warmth still lingering between them. Let himself believe that this could be normalcy.
Seungkwan stirred.
He didn’t turn around. He only sat up stiffly, pulling the blanket with him, glancing around the room with sleep still in his eyes.
“Morning,” Minghao whispered.
Seungkwan nodded without looking at him. “Morning.”
A long, fragile silence stretched between them.
Minghao sat up slowly. “Are you okay?”
“I’m fine,” Seungkwan said too quickly. He ran a hand through his hair, avoiding Hao’s eyes as he slid off the bed. “I just need to start getting ready.”
He walked across the room and grabbed his hoodie from the floor, tugging it over his head. Minghao watched the way he struggled to pull up his dark washed jeans.
“Seungkwan,” Hao said softly.
But before he could continue, Seungkwan finally looked at him.
His eyes were gentle, apologetic, uncomfortable.
“Hao,” he whispered. “Last night… we need to talk. But not now. Not while you’re still waking up and I’m-” He shook his head. “Later. Okay?”
Minghao’s heart sank. “Okay.”
Seungkwan gave a small, strained smile and slipped out the door.
Minghao sat alone in the quiet room, the warmth between them fading faster than he could hold onto it.
He didn’t know what he expected, but wished he never woke up from what felt like a dream last night.
—
Later that afternoon, Seungkwan asked Hao to meet him in the practice room.
The lights were dim and the air cool. Just the two of them sitting on the floor, awkwardly far from one another.
Seungkwan took a deep breath. “Hao, I care about you, so much. You’re one of the people I trust the most in my whole life.”
Minghao didn’t speak, waiting.
“But last night,” Seungkwan continued, “can’t become something we repeat.”
Minghao swallowed. “Because of Vernon?”
Seungkwan closed his eyes for a moment. “Partly. But it’s also because I can’t give you what you’re looking for. It wouldn’t be fair to pretend I could.”
Minghao stiffened. “You think I was pretending? That I didn’t mean it?”
“No,” Seungkwan said quickly. “That’s the problem. You did mean it. And you deserve someone who returns that fully.” His voice cracked.
“I don’t want to hurt you,” Seungkwan whispered. “But if we keep going, I will.”
Minghao stared at the floor. “So what happened last night was just for me to figure myself out?”
“It was real,” Seungkwan said. “Just not something that leads where you hope.”
“And Vernon?” Hao asked quietly.
Seungkwan’s expression softened with something that looked like longing. “I don’t know what we are. We’ve always been complicated. But he’s familiar.”
Familiar.
Words that stabbed deeper than anger ever could.
“I’m sorry, Hao,” Seungkwan said, voice cracking again. “I should have been clear last night, I shouldn’t have done this without thinking. I shouldn’t have drank so much.” Seungkwan found dozens of reasons for what happened last night, each tearing Hao up more and more.
Minghao nodded slowly, “Thank you,” he managed. “For being clear.”
—
A week later
Minghao walked into the common area, pretending he needed something from the table, pretending he hadn’t been looking for Seungkwan all day. None of the members had seen each other on their minimal break, so it was a long time for Hao to mope around his home and avoid Jun’s concerned phone calls.
Minghao found him immediately.
Seungkwan was curled against Vernon on the couch, his head resting comfortably on Vernon’s shoulder. Vernon had an arm draped loosely around him, scrolling lazily through his phone with his free hand. They looked natural like this, it was a common position for them to be in so publicly.
Seungkwan laughed at something on Vernon’s screen, the kind of laugh that came from deep in his chest. Minghao froze mid-step.
Now, watching the scene in front of him, he finally understood what Seungkwan did want.
And it wasn’t him.
Minghao swallowed hard and forced himself to move, pretending to search for a charger on the shelf. Vernon glanced up first.
“Oh, hey,” Vernon said, giving him a small nod. “You need something?”
“No,” Minghao said quickly. “I mean, I’m looking for a charger.” His voice was steadier than he expected.
Seungkwan shifted slightly, lifting his head from Vernon’s shoulder. Their eyes met across the room.
For a moment, Seungkwan’s smile was soft and open, before it faltered. Just a small drop. A tiny break in the expression. To most, it would have gone unnoticed. But Minghao felt it like a blade.
Seungkwan looked away first, tucking his head back toward Vernon’s shoulder. Vernon didn’t notice the exchange; he only adjusted his arm around Seungkwan, pulling him a little closer, absent and protective.
Minghao stood there, suddenly feeling invisible to the two.
He wanted to say something, but the words wouldn’t come. Instead he inhaled quietly, letting the sting settle deep inside his ribs.
“Everything good?” Vernon asked casually.
Minghao gave a small, practiced smile. “Yeah,” he cleared his throat. “Just tired.”
He turned before either of them could read more than that. As he walked toward the hallway, he caught one last glimpse of them from the corner of his eye.
Seungkwan was leaning into Vernon, letting himself be held.
Minghao felt his head pound from an approaching migraine that he would have to nurse for the day.
❆₊ ⊹
It was after a long winter practice when they first fell into something neither of them had language for yet.
Seungkwan was sixteen, cheeks red from the cold, hunched over his phone to call home before curfew. Vernon was sitting on the bench beside him, scarf half-covering his face, watching his breath fog the air.
“You okay?” Vernon asked, nudging him lightly with his knee.
Seungkwan shook his head, trying to smile. “Just homesick, I think. My mom keeps sending me pictures of the neighborhood strays. Even the dogs look like they miss me.”
Vernon let out a soft laugh. “Dogs always miss you. That’s their job.”
But when he saw the way Seungkwan’s lips trembled, he stopped joking.
“Come here,” he said simply.
Seungkwan blinked. “Why?”
“So you stop freezing to death.”
He opened his arm a little, leaving a space that wasn’t exactly an invitation but wasn’t not one either.
Seungkwan hesitated, then leaned into him, just a little at first, cheeks turning a shade of dragon fruit. Vernon pulled his scarf looser and wrapped it around both their necks. Their shoulders pressed together. Warmth spread between them, unfamiliar.
“You don’t have to be strong all the time,” Vernon murmured.
Seungkwan’s eyes stung from the ice cold air. “I’m not strong.”
“You are,” Vernon said softly. “But you don’t have to be with me.”
Seungkwan didn’t answer. He just leaned closer, letting the scarf hold them together.