Chapter Text
Now that Matty Flatty had landed in Mar-a-lago after his trip via comically large propeller hat, he set off to enter the giant rat maze as prophesized by his baldie to be.
Upon approaching the entrance to the maze, he saw two distinct figures in the distance. Both sitting behind a desk. One, upon further investigation was none other than America's least favorite blackout, Pete Hegseth. His head was keeled over on the desk as he cuddled an empty bottle of vodka and whispered sweet nothings to his latest signal group chat.
Beside him was the human equivalent of what I assume a cheese grater experiencing a brain hemorrhage sounds like, RFK junior. He was slumped in his chair sleep talking something about breathtaking brown water?
Ignoring their seemingly peaceful napping Mat cleared his disproportionately small yet well trained throat and called out "Evening manly men, are you two in charge of ensuring no DEI makes it into the maze?"
RFK startled awake , shouting out "Knowlesy no!" Seconds later as he orients (loose wording) himself to his surroundings, Hegseth lifts his head with crease lines on his oddly rectangular face from the vodka's label. Seeing Mat, Petey boy laughes "oh hey! whatcha' doin' here? I thought you and Daddy were gonna fake an interview about Madundo down in Brooklyn this weekend?"
Mat Gaetz shook his bobble-head and replied "no silly that's next week, and I'm a real reporter now remember? That's not fake." Petey snorted "right and I'm "qualified for my job."
Interrupting, RFK vocally cremated out, "well regardless of why you're here, you're welcome in, kinda forgot who we got in there, but as long as there's no wokes causing the made up climate change, skies should be clear until you come out of the closet- I mean maze."
Mat agreed loudly, his thoughts audible in Montana. He replied "you know being a totally real reporter is hard work, its not usually how I tend to spend my time bellow Donny you know?" Rather than RFK or Petey replying, Micheal Knowles popped out from under the desk and nodded with a head full of disheveled hair "truly difficult, I know." Then he handed a bottle of brown water to RFK who muttered "extra tylenol right?" Micheal nodded and slipped back under the desk.
Mat smiled like a latin definition loving, yet latino hating, Kirk. Then commented "staying ready for Daddy- I mean Donny?"
Before RFK could answer JD Vance popped up from under the desk, looking out of breath and panted "Donny?! who said Donny?" Hegseth grabbed him by the failed Emo hair and said "He's not here get back down." When JD went back down looking defeated, Petey leaned back with a sigh, "Just think of couched Vancel."
With that Matty entered the maze, carrying the unoccupied airspace air space he called a cranium, with him.