Work Text:
There he was, sitting alone on the steps up to their dorms, not smoking but holding a packet. He was always alone no matter how close he stood to another. It's intriguing really, how he can let people in, and make them believe they're close, without ever getting too involved, he's there enough to be trusted; close enough to be a part of it all; but far enough for nobody to pry, to care enough if he went missing.
And he may think he's being discreet but Kunikida had noticed. He noticed a long time ago, it was hard not to with how brilliant he was, despite being a pain in the ass.
Dazai was still a mystery, after two years Kunikida still couldn't say he truly knew anything about the man, not in any way that mattered at least. But, he did notice, unlike the others (besides Ranpo, who probably knew it all already), the careful distance he kept between himself and the agency.
Everything about Dazai was against his ideals, almost directly, and he honestly never thought he'd say this, but he had learned to accept it as part of his routine now, even made space to check up on him, just in case. Lord knows Dazai would never let it slip when he was actually not okay, which just so happened to be most of the time.
The point is, Kunikida learned to accommodate for Dazai, and understand him, as much as anyone with their sanity in tact could ever understand him, that is. For example: every year on January 10th, he mourns a friend (not that Dazai himself would ever admit he's mourning); his suicide jokes aren't jokes at all; what him and Chuuya Nakahara have is irreplaceable, and for some reason (probably relating to that) Nakahara seems to dislike Kunikida the most of all of the agency members (this relates to Dazai because of how much they understand eachother); and that despite everything else, Dazai does actually care for the agency.
Staring through the window at him now you'd never guess that he used to be in the Mafia. If he's being honest with himself, he's actually a little hurt that Dazai had never told him; though realistically he knows Dazai would never have if he could avoid it. It almost makes him want to go outside and join him on the steps, to try one more time, to figure out what's going on in his brain.
He has a schedule to stick to.
•○●○•
When collaborating with the Mafia, Kunikida thought that Nakahara would be his favourite, considering their shared grievances with Dazai; he obviously didn't actually get to talk with the man much, considering he's a high ranked executive; but he found that he disliked Nakahara the most.
Naturally, he thought this may come from the animosity Nakahara showed toward him (he still doesnt get why the man hates specifically him) but he was never one to hold a grudge so it couldn't be that. He tried more to understand where this feeling was actually coming from, and after reflecting on it for (admittedly) a long while, he realised that he was somehow jealous. He was jealous of a man in the Mafia, how absolutely ridiculous was that?
Well, the conclusion he had come to was that Nakahara knew Dazai better than anyone else, even now; with limited contact since they met for the first time in 4 years, Nakahara still understood Dazai on a whole other level. A level Kunikida couldn't ever hope to achieve; and, (because he wouldn't repress himself the same way Dazai does) he came to understand that this was the cause of his animosity towards Nakahara. Honestly, he thought it was ridiculous.
He knew that Nakahara would always make a better partner for Dazai than he ever could, there wasn't a reason to get so worked up over it, it was just a fact, one that didn't matter. That was the problem though, wasn't it? Really the word partner holds more weight than it has any right to, they're only colleagues after all.
But, Dazai really was perfect for him. He supposes that's why it hurts, because despite everything, he was still a better partner than anyone else he could possibly ask for. They worked together unreasonably well, and it didnt make any sense to most people but it was how they were. He would never be the best partner for Dazai though, it was something he would have to learn to accept.
He was beginning to dislike where this was going. Nothing about this situation was Ideal at all. He's usually so composed, and there really isn't a reason to dwell on it any longer anyway. At the end of the day, Dazai's with the Agency now, and if Kunikida ever knew anything about him, its that he has no intention of ever leaving; and Nakahara certainly wouldn't leave the Mafia.
Something about it all just didnt sit right with him, Dazai did always seem to worm his way into his thoughts like a weed; into his Ideals too; into every aspect of his whole life really; and how could Kunikida ever push him out when he so clearly needed help? A rare situation where the boat wouldn't sink. Even if the hand he extended would never be reached out for, it didn't hurt to try.
Kunikida liked to think that him and Dazai were close, despite what it may look like from the outside, that maybe Dazai's infuriating way of always purposely ruining his schedule was his way of showing he cared. Obviously, it was a ridiculous notion, but Dazai had always been the perfect partner in his eyes, and he didn't want to ruin that image if he could help it. So, for now, he wouldn't.
•○●○•
Dazai was sitting on those steps again, he wonders what goes through his mind there; is there a reason he goes to that specific spot? Or maybe, secretly, Dazai was a creature of habit too, somewhere deep in there. Kunikida found his temptation to join him grow every time he spotted him there; alas, he still has a schedule to stick to.
If he could, he would dedicate a whole day of his time solely to trying to unpack the complexities of Dazai, but he simply doesn't have the time; it would be even better if he could ask questions too (though he doubts Dazai would answer truthfully, if at all).
There's still so much that he just doesn't know, and for a while, that was fine, it was how they were; neither of them needed to pry, they just needed to work.
Now, it feels like Dazai knows everything about him, can see completely through him (especially considering how many times he's stolen and read through his ideals book - the scoundrel) but it felt like Kunikida still hadn't learnt anything new about him in at least a year; besides the recent revelation that he used to be with the Mafia (and even then, he only knows that he was in it, and parters with someone who is now an executive, nothing else).
There isn't any way that Dazai was in the Mafia without it impacting him, it really does beg the question, just how old was he when he joined? Maybe that was a question he could actually ask him eventually; right now he had to get back to the Agency main building, the only reason he was at the dorms now was to collect some paperwork left in Atsushi and Kyouka's room.
Truthfully, Kunikida was so distracted by his train of thought that when passing Dazai on his way back out, he almost entirely forgot to scold him for not being at work, he ended up having to drag the bastard all the way back - it was honestly a pain.
Sitting at his desk, it occurred to him that while the rest of the Agency were certainly interesting, he never found himself thinking about any of them nearly as much as he had thought of Dazai lately. He tried to rationalise the thought. Maybe Dazai was more mysterious. Maybe it was just because they were partners. However, none of the explainations his mind supplied him with seemed to be the real reason why.
He really couldn't figure it out; Dazai wasn't the only one who used to be with the Mafia, so it wasn't that; Dazai was far from being the only one to never talk of family; and he most certainly wasn't the only one that Kunikida didn't know much about beyond a surface level understanding of them. Honestly the only huge difference he saw was Dazai's intentional emotional distance and suicidal tendencies, but that just couldn't be it.
When he eventually realised all this thinking about Dazai (and the other agency members this time!) was distracting him from work and actually put him behind schedule by a whole minute, he decided it was best to push it to the slide for the rest of the work day. His feelings didn't need to be his problem right now.
•○●○•
So maybe his feelings were his problem (he didn't push them away forever like Dazai does!). Dazai being the root of all his problems as always of course. That bandage wasting menace was still constantly plauging his mind. There had to be something about Dazai that made him different to the other agency members to Kunikida.
Maybe it was how incredibly handsome the man was; with striking brown eyes that always seem far too dark and somehow look red in most lightings; not to mention his broad shoulders despite his generally slimmer figure; and his dark, perfectly messy, black-brown hair; even his facial structure was beauty-standard perfection. Or maybe it was how he knew all the best ways to get under his skin, to force him to loosen up a little and Kunikida would somehow still forgive him even when he took it too far; the way that in quiet moments when he thought nobody was looking he actually would do his own work, and even file things for Kunikida when he forgot; or the way that they had clicked so perfectly despite it all, all the arguments, all the heat, all the problems, he still stuck by his side; the way that no matter what, he couldn't see Dazai as anything other than the perfect partner.
Oh Gods, he was making the biggest mistake of his life.
It couldn't be true. It just couldn't. He wouldn't allow it. There was no way on earth he is seriously into Dazai, of all people. It wasn't possible.
Dazai is a man. Kunikida does not like men. He could not like men. He isn't stupid, he knows gay people exist, but he isn't one of them. He was supposed to meet a lovely woman and marry her exactly four years after. She would be perfect for him and they would have two kids. He could not love another man, it wasn't an option in his plan. It wasn't Ideal.
On top of it all, Dazai quite literally fits none of his Ideals for a partner. Genuinely none of them. How could he like another man? Let alone one so lazy, So against his Ideals, his whole being right down to its very core?
He wasn't made for this. What he was made for is structure. For stability. For his Ideals. To follow them to his last breath. What was he if not his Ideals?
But Dazai is incredible, in every way really. He's almost as smart as Ranpo. He actually cares about the agency and its members, he does his best to make things easier for them (even if his methods are uniquely odd, much like the rest of him). He's the most stunning man that Kunikida has ever seen, prettier than any woman too. Dazai isn't perfect in any way at all, but he doesn't have to be. Thats just how amazing he is.
Oh he's screwed. There's no way this is happening. He's so whipped for Dazai. How has it taken him this long to realise? Gods, he feels like an idiot.
No matter what, he wouldn't do what Dazai does and repress his feelings forever. He may need a break though. And he definitely has to rewrite some of his Ideals.
•○●○•
Now that he's put a name on it (and come back from taking a few days off sick to come to terms with it in peace), he has no idea how he hadn't noticed before. And he has no idea if Dazai's just messing with him; if hes always just acted like this and he never noticed; or if he's started being delusional over a workplace crush (it feels so childish to call it that, but what else could he say?).
Seriously, it started feeling like Dazai actually listened when he talked now? Was it out of a genuine gain of respect, or something else? Maybe he was reading too deep into things. Maybe he was being too hopeful.
Kunikida honestly doesn't remember if Dazai even likes men, he seems the type, but would it be homophobic to assume? After all, he's only ever actively heard Dazai flirt with women. He was pretty sure he'd seen at least one angry, threatening letter from a man, but he could be misremembering. He can't help but hope, even though he knows he shouldn't get his hopes up. It was likely this would go nowhere, its not particularly appropriate to have a relationship within the same workspace as you.
He sighs and sits down at his desk at exactly 08:01. Dazai is late that day, as usual, but not as late. He gets in at exactly 09:12, its honestly a huge relief because of just how busy everything has gotten lately. Unsurprisingly his antics start immediately, somehow he effortlessly lifts the dull atmosphere in the room.
It almost brings a smile to his face when Atsushi has to scramble out of being accused of one thing or another due to poor wording choice, and Dazai being a general menace. Only almost. Then he tells them to actually get back to work (and that Dazai should stop harassing poor Atsushi), which is when Dazai decides that laying on the sofa, listening to music is more productive than anything.
He works on his report for exactly 4 more minutes before he realises that Dazai will not come back to his desk on his own, then he takes a deep breath in and mentally prepares himself for the tortures of getting Dazai to work. He has no idea why he even bothers anymore.
Surprisingly, he doesn't take the approach of whacking Dazai 'round the back of his head this time, but he does snatch the man's headphones before yelling at him.
"Get back to work you useless scoundrel! What could you possibly be listening to that you think is more important than work right now!?"
"WAHHHH! Kunikida is so mean to me! Don't you know it's exhausting being this devilishly handsome!" Dazai flails about while dramatically yelling, then switches from his usual whining to his usual teasing (really, he should've expected this), "though, it sounds like Kunikida is more interested in my music than his work~"
Kunikida sighs, "You know that’s not at all what I meant you sorry waste of bandages!" Honestly, Kunikida can't even believe that he has to say it, although he would be lying if he claimed to not wonder about the kind of music Dazai likes (dammit, he's in far too deep).
"Well since you're sooo interested," Dazai slightly pauses while he sits up from his previous laying down position and pulls the headphones roughly onto Kunikida's head, "you can listen for yourself~"
Kunikida swears that he almost dies on the spot (Gods, being aware of his romantic interest in this man has ruined him). It takes him a total of 3 seconds to gather himself enough to actually hear the song now playing in his ears and, It's honestly not as bad as he thought it'd be. It definitely has a unique sound to it and he certainly didn't expect some of the romantic name calling in it (should he take this as a sign?) but it wasn't bad.
"See~ I knew Kunikida would love my music taste," Dazai pulls him from his thoughts with more unnecessary commentary and a huge grin on his face (can he read minds?), "since you like it so much I should introduce you to the artist!"
Now, Kunikida knows, logically, that Dazai is only telling him in order to stall going back to work, but the thought of being able to learn even just a little more about the man is tempting enough to let his carefully planned schedule wait just a little longer. So, he lets it happen as the song seems to get darker (seriously, if he wasn't already concerned about Dazai's mental health, he certainly is now).
The conversation drags as it always does with Dazai, the only thing he really got from him was that it was by some "Jack Stauber" and Kunikida wonders for the millionth time why he didn't just start with dragging the man back to his desk.
Maybe he's being delusional, but it really feels like he's getting closer with Dazai, finally learning more about him; and for once, it’s not quite so difficult to get him to do his work, surely that has to mean something?
•○●○•
They had a meeting with some high ranking Port Mafia members today, including Mr Nakahara. But honestly, he hasn't seen any of them since, it was only about some left over things to do with the current truce between the two groups, so it didn't take long; though, he kind of wishes he had an opportunity to talk to a few members one on one. He assumes they've all left already unfortunately, so he tries not to dwell on it, there would always be another opportunity after all.
Despite everything going on, Kunikida still finds his thoughts dragged back to Dazai when he's not quite as busy as his schedule assumed he would be. It's not at all Ideal to be stuck on such an idiotic, suicidal, incredibly intelligent, and surprisingly thoughtful- wait where is this going. Point is, it's not Ideal to spend his every free second stuck on a potential romantic partner, is what he was trying to say.
So, he is on his way to the documents room to give himself a distraction from the paperwork (hopefully this will make it easier to focus when he gets back to his desk), but also to put the last few things from the meeting away; a simple task really. And he will not at all be distracted by thoughts of a certain bandage-wearing brunette. That's what the plan is at least.
Or was, he guesses. When he opens the door, the very last thing he expects is to see the subject of his thoughts, let alone like this. In such a... Well, for lack of better words, compromising position.
Dazai is leaning his back against one of the file cabinets with Nakahara on his lap, missing the hat, grinding down on him with his tounge down his throat. Quite aggressively making out, for lack of better term.
It takes him a moment to process before he quietly shuts the door again. And then he just stares at it, because really, he should've known.
He can hear them through the door if he strains his ears a little. Gods, he should've expected this.
He doesn't think about it as he makes his way down the Agency's stairs, it barely even registers. Did he really, honestly think, even for a second that Dazai might be interested in him too?
Why would Kunikida ever be the first option? He feels like an idiot. Nakahara is better than him in every way. He knew that, knew that he would always be the better partner for Dazai. He really, really should not be surprised.
It makes total sense. They knew eachother the most of anyone. They understood eachother on a completely inhuman level. Nothing could compare to what they had. That's why he really should have known.
Dazai would never pick him. Why would he? All Kunikida is to him is half-baked Ideals and a shitty replacement partner pp. Work partner. The distinction is important.
Nakahara and Dazai are partners in every sense of the word, they embody it. It's unfair to compare anything else to what they have.
Of course they were already together. Of course Dazai would never choose him. What on earth did he expect? He re-wrote his Ideals for a man who would never even see him.
He should have known that he would never be enough. Not compared to Chuuya. Chuuya who's seen everything. Been through everything with Dazai. No, he would never be able to compare. How could he?
He doesn't think about it when he locks his door. And he definitely doesn't think about it when his notebook is on the floor with the pages ripped out, because it was stupid to dream.
If the Gods really can hear him, he only hopes they'll understand. That they'll forgive his stupidity. That they won't let his curiosity overcome his common sense again. That he won't let it happen again.
Chuuya Nakahara was gravity itself. Dazai was the only thing that could reign it in. Kunikida should have known that he didn't fit into the equation at all.