Work Text:
It would be called brave to admit to be wrong. Luckily Seungmin was in a place where he could freely do that, even though he rarely did directly; unfortunately, it did hurt his pride - he was a rational person and claimed to make logical decisions (maybe not the best but logical).
If something bothered him or if he preferred something a certain way, he would be heard.
He could speak his mind.
He learned over the years to speak up since, he quickly learned, the more comfortable he was, the more efficient he could work, therefore better the results. Yes, he could force himself to sing a, in technicality, possible note for him, only for his voice to be strained for hours. It didn’t matter if Seungmin could when it was simply inefficient. Yes, he could pretend he was keeping up with choreography, even though he still hadn’t gotten that part but ‘could figure it out later’. No, inefficiency like that was not only unacceptable but pointless, easily avoidable.
It was about relying on others, as well, which he grew more comfortable doing with as the years passed by - he didn’t think there was anything that could have helped him better than time, experience, getting to know the people around him and what was expected of him.
Dare he said he had perfected the art of bravery.
But that would be a lie. For one thing, he remained a coward.
It wasn’t as important as the other things he and his members had to deal with on a daily basis, nothing he had the time to truly delve into and even if he had some time to spare his thoughts, he instantly shut them down before they could take over. In the grand scheme of things, it wasn’t important because, weirdly enough, he also had said thing.. or, as close to it as he could get. Perfection didn’t exist for a reason.
If it did, he would be determined to chase it; he would put all the effort in the world, if necessary, could he get to his goal. If perfection existed, it meant anything was achievable, it meant true harmony existed. Wasn’t that the quite opposite of his life? In more than one sense.
It was the reason the idea of perfection was chased but never with the hopes of getting to it. For Seungmin, if perfection could be surpassed, then came anarchy - if one could do everything right, nothing could stop them to do everything wrong with the pretext of doing something right. If Seungmin allowed himself to say out loud the one thing he could never have, he’d lose the imaginative scenario where he did.
Because he did have everything he had ever wanted..
Yet didn’t. Could never.
Sometimes it was enough to pretend their daily interactions had an underlined meaning from something different than friendship and, frankly, it wasn’t hard - their dynamic was known for its tension, which could almost pass for sexual, which then fueled Seungmin’s hopes that maybe, somehow, someway, his feelings could be reciprocated. He knew they weren’t but the most undefeatable force of nature was hope.
The hope that Seo Changbin harbored the same feelings as Kim Seungmin.
If he tried really hard, he could recall the warmth of Changbin’s hands on his waist without the dropping of his stomach, he could smile at Changbin’s antics while suppressing the urge to gaze fondly, he could ignore the burning in his gut when there was too little space between them. It couldn’t have been easier to scoff at the stupidity of feeling such a way and forget about it, Seungmin’s rationality reasoned.
His rationality was also partly right - he wasn’t sure for how many years he’d been battling those feelings, yet enough time had passed where he masked it well. Not that he had to - again, their dynamic - but it was better, for the sake of the questionable existence of his sanity.
It was hard to stay sane when it came to Changbin.
“You might as well have your tongue out.” Jeongin teased once in that annoying way of his. Seungmin narrowed his eyes at the out of pocket comment– well, it wasn’t that random but how could he ignore a painting Changbin in a tank top and sweats? It was simply unfair.
“No wonder he’s a puppy.” Hyunjin added, spread out on the floor.
“Isn’t he?” The fondness in Changbin’s voice and the way his arms bulged as he approached Seungmin made him feel conflicting feelings. “Our Kim Seungminnie.” Any and every thought disappeared when Changbin ruffled his hair with a giggle which made his heart combust from adoration.. all the while being this close to salivating. Curse you, Yang Jeongin, for being unnecessarily observant.
He suppressed a sigh when the hand let go.
See, as insane as Changbin drove him by simply existing in the material world, it still would have been easier to be only physically attracted to him. It would be much simpler to ogle him daily, shamelessly, no deeper feelings attached, like any normal person would, right?
Well, he practically couldn’t.
Not when Changbin was the closest thing to perfection to ever exist.
No wonder he didn’t chase him; he knew he would never have him, yet he was always there.
Attachment was a dangerous thing, kindness was a knife with two ends - it was beneficial but terrifying, especially if one didn’t know the source. Seungmin couldn’t understand how, in such a cruel world, there were people who constantly gave, whose patience was neverending, whose understanding of others was on another level. He was kind when he could but his own was incomparable to Changbin’s.
It wasn’t that he lived with pink-tinted glasses - no, he was stupidly rational even in the worst moments - but it seemed like, no matter when or where, he could smile and give anyone some (needed) assurance. How he mixed rationality and positivity, Seungmin didn’t know.
Even if the world was ending, gratitudes would leave Changbin’s lips instead of regrets.
As much as Seungmin didn’t understand it, it was another reason he fell for him.
Were their dynamic different, Seungmin had no doubt he would feel guilty. Did he not know Changbin better, he would show his gratitude more in the same way he showed Felix or Chan. However, that wasn’t how things worked and thankfully he did not feel guilty.
(Only empty.)
The thing was, he couldn’t, would never hope for things to be different - he was already getting everything he could have ever wanted; Changbin’s clinginess, his jokes that sometimes (a lot of times) didn’t land, his care and love for his closest people. Seungmin got to witness him in his concentration mode, burned into his memories the image of his brightest smile, asked about Changbin’s deepest secrets.
(He was Seungmin’s everything, forever.
The forever he didn’t believe in.
An eternity of having Changbin, even if not in the way he wanted, sounded unreal in itself.)
Call him desperate, he had thought about making jokes regarding their status. He had thought of jokingly wrapping an arm around Changbin’s own, about kissing him on the cheek and smugly whispering (yet loud enough for everyone to hear) ‘Aren’t you so obsessed with me, jagi?’ or something equally as cringy, to which he would die to see Changbin’s reaction. He was very responsive, it would be priceless - probably a light punch on the chest while blushing, an unforgettable image Seungmin would print out if they happened to be filmed.
It was embarrassing how many times he had wished that Changbin leaning too close to be comfortable would lead to a moment like that, to the elder whispering deranged things– wait, something like that was already happening.. but, once more it was just him teasing.
Seungmin got everything he wished with an underlying layer of humor.
(Except he wasn’t laughing.)
Because the thought of them actually being together was hilarious, wasn’t it? Stupid, almost.
If he were brave, he would have shattered his heart with the confirmation of his biggest fear, it wouldn’t be the first time he lost the hope for things going a certain way in his life. He knew he shouldn’t have kept the thoughts alive; for as long as they existed, he would never find peace. Cowardice was louder than rationality, though, and much more insistent. For once it didn’t immediately hurt to hide.
And hide he did, for years on end.
He got used to the numbness, tried to accept the truth, gritted his teeth when he had to.
If nothing, he was a stubborn creature.. but for how long? He was glad the thought of forever was simply a concept, glad he didn’t have to find out exactly how long his limits could last, since he couldn’t imagine himself keeping those feelings on lock for longer than a lifetime.
(Could he even for that long?)
Until the last time he got to see that charming smile, that was.
Hopefully not soon.
…
Seungmin knew about the deep care Changbin held for him and vice versa; it was something established so long ago, there was no need to mention it, as obvious as the sunrise every single morning. A guarantee, really, with the promise of being there for each other when the sun set, standing tall when the other crumbled, devoid of judgment as the world took a toll on them. Something special, precious.
While he did not like to take things for granted, he allowed himself to get used to Changbin’s (platonic) love.
Just because the sun rose, however, by no means was it constantly in sight; clouds could block its warming rays, make it momentarily disappear. Even if you knew it was there, you couldn’t see anything past the whites and grays of a layer too far away to clear; a familiar one.
Seungmin knew but that didn’t mean he didn’t want to hear it directly, to feel the effect of those heartwarming words. It was ridiculous, really, how the things Changbin said in the most casual settings drove him insane, made him want to rip his heart out and offer it to the elder because, honestly, he could not think of a better way to show off his own love. (Nothing felt enough regardless.. never would.)
His equivalent to ‘thank you’ was ‘you are an idiot’, he rolled his eyes instead of hugged.
Did he do this to himself? Partly.
Again, he would not change a thing for the world, if that was all he got to have.
He could delude himself all he wanted but even he knew all those gestures weren’t just for him, nothing special or more meaningful stood behind Changbin’s intentions. The elder was the same caring, loving, understanding person with everyone he deemed important (Seungmin had that, if nothing), whether they were a close friend or a family member or anyone else who had earned Changbin’s respect. He hugged and acted silly and pretended to kiss most of the members, he consulted and looked after them like the beating heart of the group he was.
Seungmin had it all; he had his own special dynamic with Changbin, who was a pillar in his life.
But while Changbin was selfless, he made Seungmin selfish.
He wasn’t jealous of his fellow members, per se, though there were moments he wished he could snatch them out of their position, placing himself at the center of Changbin’s affection. No, it was mostly blaming himself for not having the courage to speak up and risk breaking the illusion of something he could almost imagine having. Good thing he was good at hiding the aching, the excruciating pain in his eyes.
Sometimes his desire for more slipped up - trying to hold Changbin’s hand at random times (even while recording), snuggling closer to his side with the excuse of being cold, even pretending to be annoyed at him just so he could look at him for as long as he wished without being questioned. Sometimes even those things were not enough, which showed in the days he would stick to Changbin’s side for much longer.
The elder would think he was just stressed, since Seungmin had been doing exactly that for years pretending it was because of stress. Maybe it really was, just a different kind. A kind his heart couldn’t even properly react to because he would instantly shut any reactions off.
Numbness was a cold feeling, but Changbin’s hold was warmer.
His words even more so.
So, in a way, he should be thankful their dynamic laid on a foundation of familiarity and trust, a ground level that was too deep to dig to, otherwise his defences would crumble much quicker– (immediately). It was hard to ignore his heart as it was, its attention demanding nature.
Again, what was he if not stubborn?
…
Months had passed since he and Changbin recorded their episode of ‘2 Kids Room’ yet all the feelings he poured out - when he used the opportunity to say out loud, even if mostly to himself, exactly how appreciative he was - were not dulled by time like he had hoped. In fact, when the episode finally aired, they hit Seungmin square in the face before he had even clicked on the thumbnail. He was this close to not watching the whole version at all, he was not forced to.. regardless, he was going to. (To hurt his heart by feeling the burn all over again.)
Felix had a schedule the whole day so it would be fine if he shouted out of nowhere.
It would be fine.
…
It wasn’t fine.
Twenty minutes later, his phone laid on the ground between the wall and a drawer (how it even managed to get there, he had no clue) and his room was nothing but smudges of color. The tears burned their way down his face, his eyes itched painfully and he wanted nothing more than just fucking rewind time so he wouldn’t be hurting like he hadn’t in.. a while, actually. An entire universe’s birth’s worth of time had passed since his heart ached this badly, since he felt so devastatingly hopeless and all of that because of a few fucking words. Wow.
“I hate him.” He muttered under his breath.
I wish to die earlier than him.
“I hate him.” He repeated louder, voice wobbly, nails digging painfully into his palms.
I would actually prefer that.
“I hate him,” He shouted to no one but the four walls keeping his words secured. He stood up, shaking from head to toe, fists uselessly clenching and unclenching by his sides. “I hate him so fucking much, I hate him, I hate, the worst–” His voice cracked unpleasantly, the echo of it as haunting as the words he reheard; the words he might never have if he hadn’t watched the godforsaken video. Fuck.
He tried to shout again but all he did was sob.
He glared at the general direction of his phone. “Why do you have to be so difficult?”
Changbin wasn’t difficult, he was–
“I hate–”
“Seungmin?”
He froze at the sound of Felix’s voice, quiet, unsure, worried. All the negative emotions of the unrealistically realistic world they lived in washed over him. The pit in his stomach telling him nothing would get him out of this situation, no excuses– Felix would not let him.
“Seungmin, do you hear me?”
He had never heard Felix sound like this, it was a bit different from his usual worry. There was surprise, obviously, but also something akin to fear, which was understandable - if he were to overhear one of his members lash out at nothing, he would be quite concerned, too.
How much did Felix hear? Wasn’t he supposed to be at the other side of the fucking city?
“I finished shooting earlier.” That explained it. The latter’s hand lightly touched his shoulder and turned him around. He frowned at Seungmin’s teary eyes and blank expression, at the emotions Seungmin tried to hide but couldn’t. His hands cradled his face, over drying rivers, so gently it physically pained him, but the expression on Felix’s face told him he hurt much more. “Oh, Seungmin-ah, what happened?”
He closed his eyes; instead of familiar darkness, he saw Changbin’s bright smile. As if his words didn’t shatter Seungmin’s defenses, even if momentarily. (Because they would be back up - hours, weeks, months later, but they would.) As if he had not said something no average friend would casually say. It sounded romantic without context. The context did not make it better, either. Seungmin wanted to scream.
“Did someone hurt you? Why–”
He opened his eyes with great difficulty. “No one hurt me.”
Felix shook his head. “You don’t sound convincing.”
“It is not my problem you don’t believe me.”
“I–” Felix tried to formulate a sentence but his shock seemed to have overtaken his tongue. “Seungmin, what the fuck? You are crying and shouting over someone, over some guy?” The confirmation that Felix heard the entirety of his breakdown made his stomach flip. There was conflict in Felix’s eyes. Which should he focus on - over the fact Seungmin had a literal breakdown or the fact it was over a guy? (Not just some guy, though.) He seemed to have acknowledged both, therefore addressing both. “How important is he to you?”
“You’re misunderstanding things.” He tried again, taking a step back. Felix let him slip from his grasp, which made him feel cold for some reason. His phone still on the ground, collecting dust. Seungmin debated leaving it there for the rest of his life. “I’m fine, it’s okay.. please.”
He was fine, wasn’t he? Just because a guitar had old strings, it didn’t mean they could not be replaced. Just because you pushed the wrong button, it didn’t mean you couldn’t push the next. Adapting, accepting you did wrong and moving on - that was bravery. He was brave.
He was brave.
(Until he couldn’t run away from his fears. Cowardice.)
He was fine.
(Until he was reminded of those fears. Cowardice, ignorance.)
He was strong.
(Until the weight of his actions crushed him down. Cowardice, ignorance, consequences.)
“You know you can always talk to me, right?” Felix’s voice was both too loud and hushed, somewhere between Seungmin’s mind and body; too close to ignore, too far for comfort. The statement echoed through him like newfound knowledge, like it wasn’t a literal fact.
“I know.”
“Then why won’t you?”
Felix knew him too well. Everyone did. “Because I’m fine.”
The blond made a disbelieved sound, he sounded borderline offended. That was weird, if only slightly, Felix’s patience bar was much higher than that. He didn’t think much about it and only focused on the footsteps and bashing of the door. Well, that was that for the day.
Seungmin thought of ways to apologize as he picked up his phone.
…
He did not mean to stray from conversations the next time they had practice. No, when he was approached, he gladly answered.. with one sentence that shut the conversation down. He got a few weird looks, though they didn’t last for long since he had announced his exhaustion before their practice even began and, logically, that would be it. He was just tired, which was true. Such impeccable logic couldn’t be beaten.
Except there was nothing logical about life; even Changbin’s rationality was pushed to the side, beaten by stupid worry, if his frequent glances were an indicator. For the first time, he wished he wasn’t the center of Changbin’s thoughts, that the man would focus on their new choreography, forgetting about Seungmin’s existence at all. Maybe if he did, Seungmin would move on. (A priceless, eternal joke.)
He could admit, he hadn’t been the same around Changbin since. It was obvious and he hated it because all the lies he spewed didn’t sound believable even to him. It wasn’t as much over text - Seungmin texted quite plainly and it was text, after all, how was he supposed to show emotion - however, the moment Changbin invited him to get food together, he declined. Then again.. It shouldn’t be suspicious again, right? (He hadn’t even noticed it became a daily thing, which should’ve made him think something was up yet he missed it. Observant, right.)
What was wrong with him, what happened to moving on after a few hours, days.. or months?
No. Seungmin didn’t have months to spare.
“Seungmin-ah!”
He didn’t even have a moment.
“Hey,” Changbin had stars in his eyes, chest heaving slightly from having just finished another attempt of going through the choreo. His eyes landed on the water bottle in Seungmin’s hand, snatching it with a mischievous grin. Seungmin rolled his eyes but didn’t entertain the idea of fighting; he wasn’t that thirsty anyways. He settled on looking over Changbin’s shoulder and pretending to watch as Hyunjin and Minho shoved Jisung around like a dead weight. “Kim Seungmin! Pay attention to me! What are you doing? Okay, Hannie-ah–”
“Quickly moved on, I see.”
Changbin pouted; Seungmin had to try very hard to suppress the urge to put his thumb on those beautiful lips. “So now you’re paying attention. It worked!” When their eyes met, the small smile playing on the latter’s lips slowly disappeared. “You look sullen, why is that?”
“I am literally glaring at you.”
“It’s different,” Changbin stated, because of course he would notice any and every change in the atmosphere, every change of behavior. His brows furrowed slightly. “Yongbok told me you’re off. ‘Suppose I wanted to ask if you’re struggling with something I could help you with.”
Nothing you can help me with. “I’m fine.”
“Heard that one before.” Changbin turned so both of them could watch the cacophony happening during their break; Jisung kicking Jeongin’s knee instead of Hyunjin’s, adding to the small pile of people on the floor. Felix sat cross-legged close by, not even watching the scuffle, gaze pointed towards them at the corner of his eye. When their gazes met, Seungmin lifted an unimpressed eyebrow, at which the blond shook his head disapprovingly, almost. “He would not say it if something’s not wrong. If he thought I could make you feel better, then I will.”
Oh.
It was no secret Changbin was the person Seungmin went to for literally every other struggle throughout the years; his advice had helped Seungmin push away things which affected him for reasons his current self couldn’t find the logic of, the elder helped him adapt and he had partly influenced him into becoming the version of himself he felt most comfortable in. It was surely thoughtful of Felix to ask Changbin to check on him, even if it wasn’t in no way guaranteed Seungmin would accept said help. Any other day he would think about it..
“No need.”
Not for this.
One look to his left, however, and he realized a few words would not be enough to escape the situation. Not with the way Changbin was looking at him - he had this look, a mix of worry and concentration, when he could be of use but the other person refused. As if to say - you are not escaping this easily. Unfortunately - both of them were stubborn - and Changbin’s was more prominent. Annoying(ly hot).
“You do you,” The elder suddenly shrugged, but the look didn’t disappear, just diverted. It was disappointing almost, but exactly what he wanted. Unless– “Just.. if it is about working, don’t overwork yourself. You know overdoing something only worsens the quality.”
“Are you trying to tell me something?”
“Not at all,” Changbin grinned, leaning to whisper in his ear. “You’re cute when you’re annoyed.”
With that he walked away to lift Jisung from the ground. What the fuck?
Whatever he tried to achieve, it didn’t work, but he sure got Seungmin’s heartbeat racing.
Yeah, he hated him.
…
Time was the best medicine for problems no medical could solve. It helped the mind settle down, think over things clearly, made one.. forget. Maybe not exactly forget but more so push into a far corner where no one ever went to; it stayed there, quietly in the darkness, not even begging for attention yet with an alarming need for it. Not that anyone in need would ever admit to it.. nevertheless Seungmin.
Because he was fine.
It had been two months since his accidental slip up. (The first in, what, seven years? One would assume he would get better at hiding, not worse.) In full honesty, not much had happened after, in personal plan at least; life was as hectic as always, thrill and usual anxiety clashing on the daily. Changbin’s and his relations came back to normal and Felix had seemingly dropped down ‘Seungmin’s mysterious guy’ thing.
He almost believed himself when he repeated the cursed phrase for who knew what time.
But the universe didn’t like it when he lied, apparently.
In the middle of November, the low fog and thrashing rain made it impossible to walk anywhere, which meant the group couldn’t meet in person like they did every once in a while. So, thanks to Felix, they shared a video call like they hadn’t since the quarantine. It was rather nice, with the conversations flowing naturally, laughing every other minute. Relaxing in his gamer chair, Seungmin’s smile only grew wider.
Until Felix mentioned something ‘in passing’ which stunned everyone into silence.
“Felix-ah..” It came out as a murmur. He looked away from the screen, suddenly feeling very self-conscious. He hadn’t really thought about his friends’ reactions to such news (since he had decided to never make his feelings for Changbin known and, as pathetic as it sounded, he was convinced he was incapable of moving on), maybe he should have implied it though it was Seungmin’s business so who cared?
“Oh– Oh, I’m so sorry–”
“Are you seeing someone, Seung?” Jisung’s voice lagged with how quickly he spoke. It wasn’t surprising how this got his attention - what was was him almost hitting Minho in the ribs while leaning closer to the laptop they were currently sharing. Chan and Jeongin were similar, they conversed through Jeongin’s computer, while everyone else had their own device. “That’s unexpected, to say the least.”
“Rude,” Chan shook his head. “But.. are you, Min?”
Seungmin took a deep breath. “I am not.”
“Worse, then?”
Jisung’s comment got him looking back at the screen. “What could you possibly mean?”
“Crushing?” Hyunjin piped in, to which Jisung nodded thoughtfully.
“Crushing is much safer than seeing someone.” Seungmin strongly disagreed with a frown, even though his chest squeezed on itself with the words. It wasn’t that he was wrong– he was right. However, just because one thing was better than another, it didn’t mean it was good.
“But the damage is extra painful, especially if that person remains a crush.”
“Hyune, people move on. We aren’t built to constantly yearn.” Saying that to Hyunjin would not affect his own beliefs and that wasn’t his intention. In a way he was trying to convince himself, logically debunking his heart’s idiotic wanting. If only he could believe his own logic. It was effective, he thought, since his head felt clearer. “So, no, I am not seeing anyone. That’d be dangerous, almost.”
“Okay, no need to be dramatic.” Felix’s features relaxed over time after his initial shock.
“I am logical.” He argued, tone annoyed. He sat forward, ankle on top of his knee, elbows on the desk. Such topics didn’t come up often, truth be told, and if they did it would be when they were smaller groups. It was a more personal topic and while they knew each other well enough and discussed such things, it simply wasn’t common. “Dating is fine but publicly going out with someone? I don’t know.”
“You talk like we don’t have an actively dating couple in our circle.” Jeongin lifted a brow.
A moment of silence in which all pairs of eyes locked on Minho and Jisung.
“This is different,” He didn’t back down, pointing at the two’s rectangle. “There is a difference between dating within the group and outside of it. Even if it’s not confirmed, it’s safer. And..” Seungmin snorted. “It’s too obvious, in their case. It just makes sense, in a way.”
“You’re implying something and I don’t like it.” Felix shook his head.
“Thank you, Kim Seungmin, for confirming my relationship’s perpetuity and your own lack of.”
“I think we brushed way too quickly over Seungmin’s relations with a guy.” Changbin spoke an eternity later, it felt like. He had been awfully quiet for the past ten minutes, gaze pointed at the screen, close to glaring yet not quite. His tone caused goosebumps all over Seungmin’s skin. Impressively wrong timing! “A guy. There is nothing wrong with it, of course!” Changbin backtracked, raising his hands.
“I could not be less surprised.” Minho shrugged; zero input to the conversation whatsoever.
“Top ten worst things to say when someone comes out to you.” Jisung snorted.
“Maybe make it worth the announcement.”
“I have not confirmed anything.” Seungmin stood from his chair. “But I suppose you can be right.”
With that he exited the room to get a drink, leaving a heated discussion behind him. It was both because he thought it was funny, but also because he needed a moment to, like, process what just happened. Did he indirectly come out to his members? Come out as what though? A men liker, supposedly. (Any man? Or was it Changbin.. No, he wasn’t that obsessed.) Well, there were positively pointed reactions, at least.
It wasn’t that he worried about the opposite.. He just thought it was one layer down from his defences.
And the way the elder looked at him when he said it..
No. He was deluding himself, of course. He didn’t even know if the latter could like him like that.
A knot formed in his stomach as he headed back to his room, with a white-knuckled grip on the thermostat and teeth biting his lip. He was once more thankful for having no squeaky floors, his entrance going unnoticed, the conversation that reached his ears quite.. intriguing.
“Oh, don’t be shy, we’re all in the same boat.”
“Speak for yourself.”
“You are nerving me, Minho-hyung.” Changbin’s voice came out muffled from behind his hands.
“This is the push some of you need! Who would have thought Seungmin could be inspiring?”
“I am this close to leaving.”
“Okay! See you on Wednesday!” It was Monday.
“I.. think it’s time to change the topic!” Felix said carefully, holding his hands together.
“Great idea,” Chan agreed immediately, eyes moving from one side of the screen to the other, presumably to where Changbin still hid behind his hands. Seungmin heard the conversation yet managed to miss the most important part. Wow. (It was cute when Changbin was nerved; not aggravated to the point of exploding, just slight annoyance bordering discomfort.) “Bin-ah.. Something’s wrong, what’s up?”
Very uncharacter-like Changbin, he remained with his head in his hands, not uttering a word.
Seungmin felt bad, even though he didn’t know what was said.
“Welcome back, Seung.” Jeongin greeted when Seungmin finally came into view.
“Hey..”
“Anyone wanna get food tomorrow?” Jeongin asked immediately after.
“Sure,” Jisung agreed quickly. “Changbin-hyung?”
The latter groaned, letting his hands fall down. There was no way he looked this tired when they began the call. Maybe it wasn’t even physical exhaustion but something else running around his thoughts that wouldn’t leave him alone. “Ask me again tomorrow, ‘m tired now.”
“Very much so,” Chan looked sympathetic. “I think it’s time to call it a night, no?”
So they did, after a minute of goodbyes.
Seungmin slumped extra hard on the chair when he left the call, as if the weight of the world had suddenly been put upon his shoulders. Funny, his fingers twitched to pick up his phone to ask Changbin if he was okay, if he needed anything. (It was fair to return the favor.)
He didn’t. (Cowardice.)
Changbin was probably fine. (Ignorance.)
He was a strong minded person, nothing crushed him down easily. (Consequences.)
Seungmin fell asleep the moment his head touched the pillow.
…
His drink turned cold overnight, almost as cold as his heart when he heard a third voice from the living room chatting with Felix. If it were an unfamiliar voice he would have worried less, he would’ve dealt with it better. So the fact it was Changbin’s only confused him.
Did he need something? That would be one reasonable explanation. It must be it.
Part of his initial shock died, however, when he looked at the time. It was 10:16 AM; the fact Seungmin’s inner clock allowed him to sleep for that long was a mystery on its own, but it was interesting how Felix hadn’t stormed into his room the moment it hit eight o’clock.
Staying in bed all day would be more concerning than helpful so he rose to his feet with reluctance.
“Bye, hyung!” Felix’s muffled voice was followed with the closing of a door.
Okay.
Changing into more comfortable clothes and looking over the schedule (starting the next day), Seungmin wondered why he was even pressed about it in the first place. While he noted down important dates and other things on his personal to-do list, he tried not to pay attention to the suspicious lack of rummaging. If the elder needed something, the apartment wouldn’t be so uncomfortably quiet.
The sound of his own steps echoed, pointing out exactly where he was.
“Hey,” Changbin greeted from the counter.
“Oh! Hi, hyung,” He made his way to the fridge very casually. “What brings you here?”
“You, actually,” At Seungmin’s raised eyebrow, the latter shrugged. “Felix left with Jisung and Jeongin, Jinnie is exploring the city and so I thought, why not pay you a visit, right? It’s been a minute, just the two of us.” He sounded nostalgic, like he meant it, which was funny.
(Of course he meant it, he was Changbin.)
“I am not to expect a plan for the day, then.” He found his words a moment later.
“Maybe a movie? Order some food? I dunno, the usual stuff.”
Seungmin found himself staring at the fridge’s contents without actually reaching for anything, Changbin having frozen him in place. He wasn’t sure why his brain was trying to make normal activities seem romantic, as if they hadn’t done the same countless times; it had been a recent development and, for someone who wasn’t romantic whatsoever, it made no sense. (It was neverending hope, it always had been.)
“Sure, if I pick the movie.”
“Why, you don’t trust my taste?” He could hear the pout in the elder’s voice.
“I’d rather have a good time.”
“Oh, I’m sorry, I forgot the part where you said my company was enough to make your day.”
“I see you every–” He choked on the words that never got to leave his mouth. He had to try his hardest not to blush when Changbin hugged him from behind. He huffed when the elder moved backwards, arms securely wrapped around his torso. “Yah, Changbin-hying!”
“You’ll catch a cold.” Changbin answered lowly, right in his ear, which only made not blushing harder, while making no move to disattach. “Huh, you’re warm though.” It wasn’t butterflies but knives in his stomach, the little cuts they caused whispering Stop deluding yourself, it is a very normal thing, why do you still let it affect you?. A few years back he used to think time was something meant to soothe..
A wound will heal, it just took time, but until then it was all pain.
“Still tired?” That was it, he was just–
“No,” Changbin hooked his head over his shoulder.
“..hyung, what happened yesterday? You seemed.. distressed.”
An answer didn’t come for a long minute, allowing him to memorize the feeling of the elder’s heartbeat against his back, his faint breathing across his neck. The grip around his torso had only tightened so, even if he wanted to let go, he couldn’t do it subtly. Changbin’s warmth was much different from the apartment’s - it was constant, it made him think of home and safety. It was dizzying, while also grounding.
Addictive.
“Ah, nothing,” Changbin quickly shooed him away. For a moment it seemed like that was the conversation. “I don’t care about assumptions when it’s about things I know for certain. When someone says something about me that I have no clue about? It’s.. weird. And I can’t deny it.” Changbin’s face buried deeper into the crook of his neck. He placed a hand over his arm. “Seungmin-ah, how did you know?”
“Know what?”
“Who you like.”
Changbin must have felt him stiffen. “How so?”
“Like, you said you weren’t seeing anyone but still said, you know, that you liked guys.”
“I didn’t think it would become such a hot topic.”
“Not in that way!” The elder whined, shaking him. “It’s your business, you shouldn’t have felt obliged in any way to tell us and I’m glad it came up naturally.. almost. Was that why Lix was worried about you, about getting your heart broken?” Seungmin remained quiet. “I hope it’s forgotten, that worry, if it ever existed. I still believe Lix, you know - you are a liar, Kim Seungminnie. A good one.”
“Not good enough if you don’t believe me.”
Changbin finally let go, only to spin him around so they were face to face. His eyes once more sparkled, though with pain. “You know better than to give attention to something unworthy, something you know won’t happen in the first place. You’re smarter than that.”
Ouch.
“You mean to say you were distressed over my non-existent fling?”
The elder stared at him for a long minute, eyes unreadable and dark.
Finally, he said: “Can I do something random?”
“As long as you don’t punch me or something.”
He smirked. “Worse.”
Before Seungmin could process the meaning behind that simple word, he felt a plush pair of lips against his own as his body was pushed into the counter. It wasn’t demanding in any way - it was gentle, barely any movement - yet the softness and realness of it made his body weak, seeking physical support. Changbin tasted sweet and their lips fit perfectly and it just could not be a coincidence. (It was meant to be.)
Seungmin quickly found himself in need of more, desperation taking a toll on him.
Maybe he was too gone from a simple kiss, maybe that was the reason he slowly bit down on Changbin’s lip, tilting his head. The broken sound at the back of Changbin’s throat got his gut burning, but it must have been the wrong thing to happen for Changbin to step away with an expression of such shock, it could not be positive. His plush, red lips made his stomach do somersaults for multiple reasons.
Fear on the front.
His own eyes widened. “I– I’m so sorry, I really didn’t mean to–”
“Min-ah–”
“Fuck, I– I think you should leave. I’m sorry.” He turned on his heel, the seed of panic finally bloomed since Changbin’s arrival. He’d never allowed himself to go so far, not even as a joke, knowing what would happen if he did. Years later, he almost could not believe how much his feelings’ intensity had grown, each year causing his pining to hurt even more, making him acknowledge the hard truth.
This should be his sign to give up.
(But he simply could not.)
“Seungmin, please,” Changbin’s voice was muffled by the locked door of Seungmin’s room. “I apologize, I– Like I said, I wanted to know how you knew. I wasn’t thinking and made you uncomfortable all the same. I.. I don’t know why I thought it was a good idea..”
Seungmin had to strain his ears to hear the following words..
“I thought it would explain it.. you..”
..but maybe he wasn’t supposed to hear them.
“I’m not telling you to forget it.. unless you want to. We can do that.” He spoke louder.
Seungmin closed his eyes, suddenly feeling exhausted. “No.. It’s fine. It’s my fault. I just hope it won’t–”
“It won’t. We’re fine, don’t worry.” A pause. “So.. is this my cue to leave?”
He hummed. “Are you still down for a movie?”
Changbin chuckled. “If you are.”
“I was persuaded, unfortunately.” Seungmin slowly unlocked the door.
“How sad.” The latter smiled small.
He partly forced himself to relax as they continued with the rest of their day. Though a pang of painful guilt remained in his stomach, Seungmin tried to believe Changbin when he said it was alright. If he was willing to keep their relationship the same, so was (not) Seungmin.
Only when the elder left, meeting Felix at the door, did it hit him.
Changbin was.. curious?
…
Seungmin wasn’t a starer (Minho) or a toucher (Felix), his way of sending a message across was annoying people and sometimes punching, if he was feeling bold. Though the latter got him much stronger punches back at times, he didn’t necessarily mind it - it hurt, obviously, but it was fun, adrenaline-inducing. So it wasn’t a surprise that Changbin was his usual victim of his (weak) punching and pinching, even.
(The pinching was mostly out of adoration, but that was private information.)
However, there must have been something in the air that day, watching other performances after finishing their first comeback stage, for his hands to not only feel heavier than lead, but for his traitorous eyes to be unable to leave Changbin’s general direction. A few strands out of order, concentrated gaze, half-opened mouth and deep breathing, Changbin seemed just a bit too irresistible.. So unfair.
No one really paid him attention, he let himself look - from the sweat on his forehead, his sharp expression, the way the fabric hugged his crossed arms, the slight tilt of his body. Everything and anything in view. The fact Seungmin stood right beside him wasn’t helping, not even, and when Changbin snuck an arm around his shoulders, he looked away, focusing on the screen and its ridiculous brightness.
He wasn’t a starer (when he could be seen) so being caught staring would not be fun.
“I know I’m hot but, really, in public?” Changbin teased when they finally headed home.
“Get your head out of the clouds before speaking.” He shot back.
“Again, I know I’m tall.”
Seungmin thought of kicking him in the shin but decided against it, settling for an eye roll.
“I mean, hey,” The next moment the latter was right in front of him, so close their noses almost touched, with the most mischievous grin ever. Seungmin’s eyes narrowed instinctively. “If you desperately want to stare, that can be arranged. You just have to politely ask for it.”
He scoffed so loudly, he got the attention of Hyunjin and Felix, who were chatting close by. He wanted to both throw something at Changbin and be hit in the head himself. See, it was hard to be normal around Changbin in the first place, but when he felt like a tease and openly flirted for a reaction.. It should not be allowed - Changbin should not be allowed to flirt like that then do absolutely nothing about it.
“You’re flirting like a playboy.”
“That’s offensive.”
“It’s true,” Seungmin shrugged. If nothing, he was good at putting on a mask of nonchalance and running with it. He stared pointedly at Changbin’s eyes, the littlest sparks of anticipation in the corners, as if he harbored hope that Seungmin would stretch out the bit (even if he never did). Seungmin gave it a thought and decided, fuck it, what was the harm at that point? “And no acquaintances discount?”
The spark disappeared, changing to something dark. “Acquaintances discount?”
“Yeah, you know, listening to the customer, coming to their place, doing all the arrangement–”
Changbin was somehow even closer. “Seungmin–”
“Yah, do you want to get laid this badly?” Hyunjin groaned to his left.
“Don’t we all..”
“Do not mess with your hyung’s business!” Changbin snapped at the two, who chuckled before continuing with their conversation. “00’s.. you really are insufferable.” He sounded annoyed but adoration could be read somewhere in-between his furrowed brows. He threw a long look at Seungmin before grabbing him by the back of the neck, mouth against Seungmin’s ear. “Seungminnie, why so mean?”
His face was burning underneath the makeup. He huffed in response.
“Why don’t you come over? You can make use of the.. acquaintance discount, if you so desire.”
Seungmin liked to believe Changbin wasn’t stupid - he was straightforward, articulated his words clearly during interviews; his words held weight. So he must understand what his words were implying, he must know how they sounded through an outsider’s point of view. He–
“Still curious?”
Yet there had to be a logical reason. (Was it logical or could he not believe in getting what he wanted?)
“Come over.” Changbin whispered; he sounded almost desperate.
Oh. “Okay.”
He would not know if he was being led astray unless he gave in for once, right? He felt reckless.
He could get everything he wanted. (Or get his heart crushed once more but what was new?)
Hyunjin didn’t really pay him attention, not until Felix was about to part ways to their apartment without him following. It wasn’t that late when they got back, frankly, but Hyunjin still looked between him and Changbin as if he knew something they didn’t (Seungmin, at least).
“Hyune, wanna join me? I got a new collection I want to show you.” Felix piped up.
“Oh, sure!” Hyunjin was quick to agree, smiling brightly at the blond. Suspicious.
“We’ll trade roommates later, hyung.” Felix informed Changbin, already walking away.
“Okay.. bye?” They watched the two go up the stairs to reach Felix and Seungmin’s apartment.
“Idiots..” Seungmin murmured.
“Some would say geniuses.”
He did not think so.
…
His wildest fantasies could never compete with real life.
The door closed behind them with a thud, Changbin pressing him roughly against it to kiss him senseless. It started off familiarly slow but, unlike the first time, quickly picked up pace, as if his mouth was Changbin’s only saving grace, as if only his taste could satisfy him. It was abrupt, a demanding force, which left Seungmin no choice but to be squeezed between the door and Changbin’s body pressed against his.
He heard the latter curse in-between kisses, but what was actually said he had no clue of - his thoughts were a mess of incoherent sentences his mouth was in no way capable of producing. He thought of wrapping his arms around Changbin’s neck for support only after the latter moved downwards, tugging at his neckline to kiss and suck on his neck. This is real. He thought absentmindedly, too far gone.
“Changbin-hyung–”
“Please tell me I’m reading this right.”
He froze. “What?”
“Please tell me you want this too. Say no and I’ll stop.” Changbin looked up, meeting his eye; he meant it. His heart warmed, though he didn’t answer. The latter continued. “I can’t stop thinking about that kiss, it’s messing with my head, I want– I need you, Min. And I think you do too. I– Honestly, I never thought I would like it this much, but you.. are special. Our bond has been something special to me.”
Seungmin blinked harshly, then again and again. A few sentences turned his life one-eighty, few earnest words he wanted to engrave into his brain. For a second he thought he was dreaming, this couldn’t be happening, but Changbin’s hands on his waist were definitely real, his warm breath tickling his neck was real, the seriousness and promise in his eyes clashing with the lust and desperation– literal hunger.
He may not be sure what love felt like, but he thought the honesty in Changbin’s words was love.
He thought– knew he had been in love for a while, too.
“When you panicked I wanted to tell you to continue and never stop.”
“I love you.” Quieter than a breath but filled to the brim with emotion, the words slipped out.
It was Changbin’s turn to freeze. “You.. do?”
Seungmin internally winced, closing his eyes. The damage was done, after many long years of keeping his feelings behind a lock he thought a key didn’t exist to, but when he was told such romantic things, how could he not crumble? (And maybe, just maybe, time wore down those defenses. Before he would demand proof, at the moment he would take anything if it was wholehearted and honest.)
“If I understand love correctly, then yes.” He took a deep breath. “Oh, wow, I can’t believe I am saying this years later,” He chuckled when Changbin’s eyes widened comically. “Yes, years. I’m unfortunately a good liar when I have to be. Never thought you would like me like this– it’s craziness, right? What I mean to say is, I want this. I want you.. I have been wanting you.” Desperately needing you.
“For years?” He nodded. “Min, even if you were scared of rejection, you should have told me.”
“I wasn’t going to accept rejection.”
The corner of the elder’s mouth turned up in a smirk. “Oh?”
“Not like–” His words were lost in-between their mouths, between the sounds of pleasure and desperation which both let out in equal measure; Changbin because, well, he was Changbin, and Seungmin because he wasn’t holding back, though he was still significantly more quiet, with Changbin being in charge of their making out. It was hot, to have such an effect on him was borderline crazy to Seungmin. He could only focus on the sounds– moans growing louder, movements turning messier, so much he worried for the door. And neighbors.
“You–” He put a hand over Changbin’s mouth. “Couldn’t have started inside the apartment.”
The most disgusting thing happened - Changbin licked his hand. He pulled away with a groan, cleaning on the latter’s neck. He got only a giggle in response. “You are hard to resist.” Just so fucking cheesy. “Now even more so..” He grinned even wider. “After tasting you.”
His blood was this close to boiling. “I hate you.”
“You don’t.”
“I very much do.”
“Nahh.”
“Unlike you, I mean my words.” He looked him straight in the eye. “Why not taste me for real?”
Changbin’s grin disappeared. For a few seconds he didn’t react in any way, too stunned to speak, which Seungmin was quite proud of, but then the silence was filled by him yelping as Changbin literally picked him up by the thighs. He hugged Changbin’s head so he wouldn’t lose balance, breathing unevenly from both the lack of ground underneath his feet and the realization that everything was real.
He wasn’t dreaming or in the middle of a daydream.
It felt hard to believe after so long, but he was sure as hell he would get used to it with time.
By the time he returned to earth, he was sitting on the edge of Changbin’s bed with him kneeling in-between his spread out thighs. Fuck. He wanted to look away– no, he was lying. He wanted to consume the sight before him - Changbin’s hungry gaze, hooded eyes (already?), his hands on Seungmin’s knees until one started sneaking up to play with his waistband. “Binnie-hyung..” Seungmin squirmed under the touch.
“Do you trust me?” Changbin’s hand came to rest on his hip.
He nodded frantically, biting his lip.
“Min.”
He blinked. “Of course I do. I know you would never hurt me.”
Changbin’s smile was sweet and kind, not at all fitting for the setting, especially as he lifted him to drag both his pants and underwear. Seungmin gasped but did not oppose it - not in the slightest - fixated on Changbin, on his reaction, on any sign he might want to call it off.
“Fuck..” There was only disbelief in Changbin’s tone. “I have no idea what I’m doing.”
“That’s fine.”
“No harsh criticism.”
He smirked. “Can’t promise that.”
The elder hummed. “Sure.” Then dived in without a warning.
Fuck.
…
“You are disgusting.” Minho said instead of a greeting; eyes on the arm around Seungmin’s waist.
“Ah!” Felix shouted a bit too excitedly. “It was Changbin-hyung all along!”
“What?” Jisung joined in.
Felix didn’t answer immediately, making eye contact with Seungmin. “Past drama, not relevant.”
“Well now I’m curious.”
“Me too,” Changbin, with his head hooked on Seungmin’s shoulder, said. “Can I know?”
He thought about it for exactly a second before deciding that, no, Changbin didn’t need to be informed just how big of a toll he has on him. (No need to make his ego bigger.) It was quite embarrassing, a big low as of recently, something he did not want to think about.
“Maybe.” Was what he said instead, just so he wasn’t questioned further.
Changbin kissed his temple in response.
He could get used to living in a dream.