Work Text:
The people say that the water will wash your sins away.
The people are wrong.
How could that be true, when after so much time in the water, Lo’ak was still as guilty for his brother’s death as ever?
No amount of ocean water could ever erase the blood staining his hands.
Everyone knew it, only no one was brave enough to say it aloud. The dark knowledge festered in their marui, a wordless cloud silencing them and choking them slowly.
And it was all his fault.
Tonight was just the proof he needed. The tension had finally broken, the words finally said. Lo’ak had thought he was helping by defending Payakan. He had already lost one brother; he couldn’t bear to lose another.
But no one would listen to him, either of them. It was so unfair, all they saw in the two of them was violence, insubordination, loose canons–
In a twisted way, Lo’ak was glad. Glad his father had finally broken and told his true feelings.
“If you hadn’t disobeyed orders, then your brother would still be–”
Lo’ak moved swiftly, storming away from the confrontation. Jake didn’t try to stop him, because why would he? Why would he care about his second son, the one who had killed the first, the favorite, the perfect obedient soldier? He still remembered saving his father from the sinking ship, how his first gasped word was “Neteyam!”, the disappointment smearing his desolate face when he realized it was only the lesser son. The killer.
Lo’ak always tried so hard, to be the good son, the good brother, but whatever he touched he destroyed. If it wasn’t for him, Neteyam would still be alive. Payakan wouldn’t be exiled further than before. His family wouldn’t have to go through the grief of losing the eldest son.
Everyone would be better off without him.
The people also say that when you touch steel, its poison seeps into your heart.
Well, perhaps they were right about that. It was far too late to stop the spread.
Now, the only solution was to cut out the venom at its source, before it hurt anyone else.
Lo’ak moved with a swift and silent efficiency, stopping only to collect a rifle before diving into the water. Its cool touch was soothing, but not nearly enough to silence the storm raging inside. It wasn’t enough to wash away his sins.
He broke through the surface and climbed the first piece of land available. At the top of the small beach, he sank to his knees, quickly arming the rifle and positioning it under his chin. The cold metal was a shock to his skin, but he paid it no mind. He was finally the soldier his father had wanted- swift, efficient, ruthless. One last task, and then they would all be free of him. A killer, brought to justice. A dangerous threat, a loose canon, removed to protect them all.
Lo’ak shifted, taking a deep breath and positioning his finger over the trigger. One quick press, and then it would be over in a bang and a rush of darkness.
His breath came faster, and he moved his finger down.
One final task. Protect his family, his friends, his clan. Remove the poison.
He couldn’t do it.
He knew they’d be better off without him, yet it was his final judgement, and he couldn’t even do it.
Something- the anticipation of the bite of gunpowder, the fear of the unknown, doubts at his plan- brought him up short. In the end, he failed to die just as he had always failed to live.
Coward. Disappointment.
He truly was a failure.
Lo’ak threw the gun down, a choked sob escaping his throat. Self-hatred consumed him, and he immediately wished he had just done it, to end this pain, end this suffering, for him and everyone else.
The rush of footsteps pounding up the sand, the familiar cry of “Lo’ak!”, and then Kiri and Tsireya were there on either side of him. “Brother,” Kiri said softly, searching his face with palpable concern. They both did, so worried without even knowing the full extent of the danger he had been in. Another failure on his part. He should have gone somewhere far away where they wouldn’t find him so easily, somewhere where his tainted blood wouldn’t defile the waters so close to Awa’atlu. He should have pulled the trigger faster. He should have-
Lo’ak hears the sharp intake of breath from Kiri and knows she’s seen the gun. Now they’ll know what he failed to do. Dread at the thought would have filled him if he wasn’t already so empty.
“Stay in this life, brother,” Kiri pleaded, grasping him tightly. “We need you.”
Tsireya looks at them sharply, then also lays eyes on the weapon, and clutches at Lo’ak’s face, desperately searching for injuries. “We love you,” she gasps, tears filling her eyes as her voice breaks.
Lo’ak completely breaks down, his body wracked with sobs, unable to hold back the tide of tears against the pressure of the events that had just occurred.
“You have greatness in you,” Kiri promises, but it does little to soothe his self loathing and his fervent wishes that he hadn’t been so cowardly as to hesitate.
Lo’ak sags into the grip of his sister and lover, unable to do anything but sit there pathetically as they try to comfort his tears. The numbing darkness closes in, leaving nothing but the fervent wish that he had been strong enough to finish the job, before even that is swallowed by the flood of tears.
Some sins are too heavy to be washed clean by water, be it from the ocean or tears.