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“How the fuck is hell freezing over?” Blitzø said, or attempted to say through his violently chattering teeth. It was cold. Cold as fuck. Hell typically ran at a comfortable (slightly too hot, really) 25 degrees centigrade. Celsius? Were those different things? Whatever. He might not know what the fuck tempature gage to use, but Blitzø knew when it was fucking cold.
And right now Hell was fucking cold. It had started snowing last night, and Blitzø had assumed it was ash from whatever bullshit was happening on the other side of the Pentagram. There was always something stupid going on in Pride. Last year it was extermination shit, and only a few months ago that TV headed freak had tried to blow them all up because he couldn't deal with being a bottom, or whatever the fuck.
But what was falling wasn't ash. It was cold. And wet. And stuck on the ground in growing piles while sinners and hellborns occasionally dared to stick a head outside to determine if this was somehow a signal of another bullshit divine event and or apocalypse.
Stolas loved it though, and that's why Blitzø was outside freezing his pretty good sized red dick off, as his sort of maybe boyfriend laughed and danced around, sending plumes of snow into the air. It was just like one of those terrible movies on HeavenTV that Blitzø definitely had never watched or cried over when he and Stolas had been broken up.
“It's so beautiful, Blitzy!” Stolas said breathlessly as he waded through the snow. Stolas was nearly glowing with happiness, and snowflakes had settled into the soft grey of his feathers. He looked stupidly beautiful. It made Blitzø's idiot heart beat harder, and he was sure if he didn't need his blood to keep him from, you know, fucking freezing to death, he would be blushing.
“Yeah, I guess it covers up all the blood and garbage,” Blitzø said, squinting around them and shivering. Did he mention it was fucking cold? It didn't help that the snow was nearly up to his knees, although the tall ass owl only had his feet and ankles covered
(Did Stolas technically have ankles? Blitzø tucked that thought away in his “ask later when drunk” folder)
“Hey, do you think this is like an apocalypse or something? Is that carpenter guy back on earth?” Blitzø asked, watching the air puff out. He blew a stream like he was smoking. Okay, that was kind of cool. He looked like a dragon.
“I think he prefers to be called Sabrina, now,” Stolas said, pausing in his exploration of the frozen street. He didn't seem bothered at all by any concerns about why it was snowing in hell, leaning down and scooping a handful of snow up, before letting it fall back onto the ground with a soft thump.
“Hmmm,” Blitzø said, before he ducked his chin further into his makeshift scarf, turning away to scan the streets for any other idiots outside, letting his attention drift away for a moment as he watched the unnatural snowflakes fall softly to the ground.
Big mistake, because a moment later Stolas tried to kill him.
Or at least that's what it felt like when a freezing cold snowball slammed into his back, exploding on impact and coating him in snow.
“What the FUCK,” Blitzø yelled out, spinning around to glare at the culprit. Stolas just grinned, and did the cutest fucking wave ever, before he threw another snowball at Blitzø.
Oh, it was on.
Forgetting about the freezing fucking cold, Blitzø dove into the snow, forming snowballs with furious speed. He lobbed one at Stolas, who dodged it with demonic speed, and followed up with a second one that hit him right in the feathery tits.
“You've made a grave mistake, Blitzy!” Stolas yelled out, and the battle commenced, a fury of snow and yelling.
Neither of them would admit a winner, but by the time they finished the snow was nearly at Blitzø's hips, and even Stolas had to admit it was time to head inside.
“Satan's hairless balls, I'm going to freeze to death,” Blitzø grumbled as they dragged themselves back into the apartment building. “Here lies Blitzø, frozen cock-itis took him too soon”
Stolas laughed “I wouldn't let you die, Blitzy. But we can…warm up when we get inside,” Stolas sounded warm and suggestive, pressing the elevator button in a way that seemed somehow lascivious. Blitzø might be freezing to death, but he wasn't dead, so his cock definitely perked up. Sort of. He was really fucking cold.
Both of them were coated in snow, and it was still coming down, a vicious wind pushing it up in drifts against the doors of the lobby. Blitzø didn't have much hope of the roads being usable tomorrow - hell wasn't exactly known for it's fucking infrastructure. Good intentions got pot holes like a motherfucker.
It was only once they got inside to the apartment that Blitzø's realized how fucking cold he really was. His teeth were chattering, and his fingers and hooves were so cold they might just fall off. Ugh. This fucking sucked. He let himself lean against the wall for a moment, dimly realizing he needed to get his wet clothes off. Ugh. He was suddenly so sleepy. Was this some lizard shit? Didn't lizards on earth fall asleep when they got cold? Fuck, imp biology was so fucked up sometimes. He really wanted to lay down…
“Oh, Blitzy! Why didn't you tell me you were so cold!” Stolas cried out with alarm as he emerged from the bedroom with two towels, dropping them on the floor when he saw Blitzø slumped against the wall. Blitzø slurred something that he meant to be comforting, but it clearly didn't work because Stolas just got that little furrow between his brows that meant he was concerned and about to take action.
That action turned out to be fucking picking him up like a baby, which Blitzø hated so fucking much usually, but Blitzø felt enough like shit that he only kicked and swore a little bit when as Stolas carried him to the bathroom.
He found himself deposited onto the side of the tub as Stolas began to fill it with warm water, murmuring quietly about how if he still had his powers he would simply have filled the tub that way. Blitzø just nodded along and tried to pretend his brain wasn't fucking frozen.
“I didn't realize the cold would affect you so much more,” Stolas said fretfully as he pushed Blitzø out of his coat and began to unbutton his shirt.
“F-f-feels fuckin’ bad, Stols” Blitzø groaned out, slumping forward a little. Stolas had a determined look on his face and quickly got him out of the rest of his clothes and into the water, which made Blitzø hiss in pain-pleasure. It was hot, and his skin erupted into goosebumps as his body tried to warm up. He had the irrational thought that he might be cold enough to crack like an ice cube.
It only lasted a few moments before the numbness in his hooves and hands began to subside into - ow, fuck, really bad tingles. Ahh fuck, yeah, he definitely could feel his hooves again but they fucking ached with the cold. At least the water was still hot.
“You'll be okay, Blitzø,” Stolas said “I'll take good care of you. Get you all warmed up.”
“Feels like you mean in a non sexual way, which sucks but also I might be dying so would you really deny me my last blow job?” Blitzø said, slurring only a little. He thought he might have blood flowing again, and he stretched his hands out carefully, the knuckles popping and clicking.
“I'm not the biggest fan of ice,” Stolas said “Which is why I didn't fuck Andrealphus when he got drunk at my wedding and tried to seduce me,”
“Babe you can't drop that kind of gossip when I'm defrosting, because Lucifer's left butt cheek, I need to hear all about that,” Blitzø said, eyes popping open as his brain processed that. Fuck, that was hilarious. And also kind of hot? Yeah, definitely hot.
After Stolas had deemed him sufficiently warmed up, he levered Blitzø back out of the tub and wrapped him in their fluffiest towel, drying him briskly before pulling an oversized shirt over his head.
“Please tell me you brought boxers,” Blitzø said, feeling more like a living imp and less like an ice cube “Because it's cute when you do this shirt and no bottoms thing, but my dick is gonna hang out like, like, uhh, some kind of…pervert” he finished lamely.
Stolas laughed though. He always laughed at his stupid jokes. Fuck. Blitzø was so in love with him. “I rather like it, but yes, I brought you boxers,” Stolas said, brandishing said boxers. He also insisted on helping Blitzø into them, which was kind of sexy, but also kind of humiliating…which was also kind of sexy? Huh. He was learning some stuff about himself tonight.
Still, Stolas absolutely wasn't going to be fucking him because he still had that soft and goey look on his face, and also he was picking Blitzø up again and fuck that he couldn't just fucking do that shit.
“Hey, fuck you, you tall ass fucker,” Blitzø snarled “You can't just pick me because I'm fucking small,” and then to drive his point home, he bit Stolas, sinking his fangs into his shoulder. Stolas moaned, and then flushed, a telltale dark shadow filling his cheeks.
“Stop it, you need to rest” Stolas chided after a moment
“Yeah, rest of that bird puss,” Blitzø said, winking one eye and then the other.
Stolas didnt deign to reply to that, and instead carried Blitzø to the couch and deposited him into a pile of blankets, clambering up onto the couch and arranging his long limbs awkwardly until Blitzø's was pressed against his chest, caging Blitzø into his warmth with his knees.
Oh yeah, that was fucking awesome. Stolas was soft as fuck and so warm. Blitzø definitely still wanted to fuck, but he also wanted to cuddle into Stolas’ fluffy ass chest and sleep for 100 years. He was warm now, but the deep desire to sleep was still with him, and his eyelids felt ridiculously heavy.
The apartment was silent, nothing but their breathing and the dim sounds of gun shots outside. Turns out even snow didn't stop sinners dismembering each other for long. Stolas hadn't even turned the TV on, the freak.
“Are you working tomorrow?” Stolas asked after a while, his chest vibrating with his voice. Blitzø jerked his head
“Fuck, yeah, I'm supposed to kill a guy for pushing someone into an alligator swamp, so must be in Florida,” Blitzø said, trying to remember whatever paperwork Moxxie had given him yesterday. Ah, fuck it. He'd just show up with a gun and let the magic happen.
“Hmm, and if it's still snowing?” Stolas asked, petting his hands gently over Blitzø's horns.
“Guess I'll stay home. Cold isn't good for imps, and Moxxie is such a bitch about getting injured since they had a kid,” Blitzø griped gently. Maddy was cute as fuck though, so he couldn't be too mad. And Moxx could still blow a head off with a baby strapped to his chest.
Stolas hummed, sounding pleased as he stroked his horns. Even though he was so comfy we could fall asleep any second, Blitzø couldn't help but ask “Seriously, are you not even a little worried about this snow thing? What if this is the big end times?”
“Well, if it is the end times, I suppose I'm right where I want to be,” Stolas said thoughtfully, and Blitzø couldn't help himself, he leaned up and kissed him, pouring all his complicated, stupid, prickly love into it.
Stolas kissed back, slow and gentle, before he wrapped his arms back around Blitzø and pulled him back down into the pile of blankets, keeping them both warm.
Outside, the wind continued to howl fucked up winter weather carving across the pentgram. But it was warm in here, and as he watched Stolas’ breathing even out and he began to doze, Blitzø thought maybe snow wasn't so bad.