Chapter Text
Steve groaned, tears welling up in his eyes as he sat up and stared at Dustin after their fight. This last year had been so hard on all of them. Dustin was clearly hurting, but Steve didn’t know what to do anymore. He had been getting into so many fights and it made Steve’s stomach twinge every time he came to one of their crawls broken and bruised. He had been so worried that one day Dustin wouldn’t show up because he would be dead in a ditch somewhere.
Dustin had finally not shown up for their crawl, and Steve had been terrified. When he had finally appeared, Steve had been so angry seeing his face all busted up like that. He just wanted his best friend to be okay, but Eddie’s death seemed to have permanently changed him.
If Steve was being honest, he was angry at Eddie. And guilt-ridden. But mostly angry.
Steve was so thankful Eddie kept the bats away from Dustin, but he was still beyond angry at him for getting killed. He had left Dustin alone, and clearly Dustin needed him more than anyone else. Steve often wished that he had been with Dustin instead. That he could have somehow prevented anyone from dying.
He felt guilty for suggesting that Eddie and Dustin weren’t heroes, hiding away from the danger. If he had just kept his mouth shut, would Eddie have still died? Steve doubted it. It was his fault.
Sometimes, in his worst moments, Steve can’t help but think it would have been better if he died instead. Eddie had a lightness to him, a certain charisma that the group needed. Dustin would have been better off with Eddie here, not Steve. Eddie would have known how to help Dustin through Steve’s death, and Dustin certainly wouldn’t have grieved as long for him. Steve couldn’t support him. Steve couldn’t be the hero this time.
Wasn’t his whole point to take the hits? To protect and keep the others safe, or at the very least alive? But the one time it had mattered, Steve had failed. He was a failure.
Now Steve had just provoked Dustin to anger. Dustin had fought him, wanted to hurt him for the things he said. Steve wished he could take it back. He hadn’t meant to blame Eddie for his own death, but he was so tired of finding Dustin hurt constantly. If Eddie hadn’t been killed, Dustin would be okay. And Steve had finally snapped.
He never meant to hurt Dustin like that. But now he knew. Dustin was also angry at Steve. Steve had accused him of being angry because he knew Eddie had died for nothing, but now Steve wonders if Dustin was also so angry at him because he would have preferred Steve to die instead. The thought made his heart hurt. He had wanted to hurt Steve just now, the punches to his ribs still throbbing painfully.
Steve just looked at Dustin, heartbroken. ‘Nice going, Harrington,’ he thought to himself. ‘You just ruined any shot you had of being there for him.’ The ache in his chest grew as grief threatened to overwhelm him.
“I’m done,” Steve heard himself say, voice laced with exhaustion. He had tried to get Dustin to stop, but he just wouldn’t. Steve couldn’t keep putting himself in a relationship that just hurt him. And, he realized with a sob as he started walking away, it was hurting Dustin too. Cleary seeing Steve just hurt too much. He was only a reminder to Dustin that he wasn’t Eddie.
Tears burned in Steve’s eyes as he walked towards the stairwell, collapsing onto the floor as sobs tore out of his chest. He leaned against the wall and brought a hand up to his mouth, trying his best to stifle the noise. He brought his knees to his chest and sobbed, hot tears streaming from his eyes. Steve finally let himself break.
He mourned for Eddie, for his childhood that had ended the second he had walked into the Byers’ house to save Jonathan and Nancy. He mourned for his relationship with Dustin, for his absolute failure to be the brother Dustin so desperately needed. He mourned for his relationship with Nancy and his parents, for never being good enough to earn the kind of love he had once so stupidly thought that he deserved.
Steve stayed there for a while before forcing the torrents of agony back. He still had a kid to protect, even if Dustin hated him now. Steve shakily wiped the tears from his eyes and pushed himself to his feet, overcome with a wave of fatigue. He couldn’t let Dustin see him like this, but it was so hard being who everyone else needed him to be. He took a deep breath to steady himself, forcing away the tremors in his hands. He gripped his flashlight tightly and rolled his shoulders, wincing at the way they popped. He had been here too long.
Steve took another deep breath and went to go find Dustin, because even after all of this, he couldn't lose him.