Chapter Text
Severus Snape couldn't even imagine how great the pain caused by heartbreak could be until he experienced it himself. What surprised him most about the matter was that it existed not only in the organ beating strongly in his chest, but it was also spreading throughout his entire body. It wrapped around him like heavy chains, making each step he took incredibly difficult.
His hunched figure and the heavy, slow stride with which he moved forward brought to mind a prisoner dragging a jail ball behind him, the weight of which was slowly robbing him of his strength. His lips were dry and chapped, as if he hadn't had water in weeks. His breathing was labored and ragged, as if he'd run a marathon. He swayed slightly on his feet, his gaze fixed on the ground, tears welling up in his eyes, but he refused to let them flow down his face.
As he headed down the dark marble spiral staircase leading to the Slytherin common room, he felt as if water was boiling in his head. He didn't recognize the faces he passed—they all blended into a blur—and the surrounding mixture of voices, male and female, young and old, was meaningless, as if speaking a foreign language.
Time around him seemed to slow down. Nothing remained in his mind except the echoes and visions of the unpleasant conversation he'd just had. The face of the girl who meant so much to him was etched in his memory so vividly that he remembered the arrangement of every freckle that covered it—a sight he now longed to forget, to regain peace, if only for a moment.
The deeper he headed into the dungeons, the further he got from her, the more his heart thrashed wildly in his chest, as if it wanted to break free. A quiet, desperate voice in the back of his mind begged him to run back to his friend and try again to reconcile with her. It wouldn't leave him alone, and it wouldn't let go, tormenting his tired mind.
When he'd spoken to her just moments ago, Lily hadn't seemed in the least bothered by his grief; her stance had been unwavering. Perhaps if he'd fallen to his knees and begged for forgiveness, or slept a few nights under a painting of a fat lady to get her attention, perhaps only then would she have noticed how much he cared.
Perhaps he should hurt himself? Perhaps if he fell down the stairs or became seriously ill, his beloved Lily would be concerned about his health and, seeing how much he suffered because of her, would reconsider her decision?
Servus quickly dismissed that last thought, however, realizing how wrong it was. If he had actually hurt himself just to get her to notice him, not only would he have shown how dependent and pathetic he was, but there was also a possibility she would have considered him unpredictable and become afraid of him.
It was enough for him to know that he had made a fool of himself when he asked the Griffons to call Lily to him, and in a broken voice, he had expressed his regrets in front of them all. Back then, he hadn't minded their stares, but now, remembering their amused expressions and their mocking voices, he felt ashamed. He really wished he could just sink into the ground and only come back if the students forgot about him.
What appeared to be the worst part of this entire, already very difficult situation was that, even though he wasn't the only one responsible for this turn of events, it seemed everyone was trying to portray him as a monster, as if the anger he'd allowed to rage had no cause.
He was fully aware of how hurtful the words he'd hurled were to his friend. He deeply regretted not having had enough personal control to shut his mouth in time. The milk had been spilled; what had been said couldn't be taken back, but despite the shame Severus felt for his behavior, he decided to summon the courage to take full responsibility for his actions and apologize. He did the right thing.
Surprisingly, however, when he did this, he had the impression that Lily herself didn't recognize the role she had played in the incident on the hill. He saw not a trace of shame or remorse in her eyes, as if she were utterly convinced that there was nothing wrong with her behavior when the incident happened.
This unpleasant realization forced Severus to undertake certain considerations. The grim truth it contained seemed to challenge all his beliefs about the relationship with his friend, shaking his entire youthful world to its very foundations.
Lily and Severus met when they were nine years old, and from then on the boy had the impression that they grew incredibly close, almost inseparable. He felt so comfortable in her company that he slowly began to believe their meeting was destined. The naive voice in his heart sometimes liked to sing him scenarios in which they would eventually profess their love and become a couple and then establish a loving family that would be the polar opposite of his own. He loved imagining it.
Observing how much they enjoyed being together and how much they trusted each other, he was almost certain that them becoming a couple would only be a matter of time. He even silently hoped that perhaps Lily already had a crush on him but was keeping her feelings hidden, just like he did, afraid of ruining their long-standing friendship with a confession that might be unwanted. Terrified by the prospect of being rejected, he waited patiently for events to unfold by themselves.
He spent the past few years living in a dream world wearing an eye cover, its soft, lily-scented fabric saturated with hope he refused to reject. But now, in light of new events that brought him back to reality, he realized that Lily had never seen him and would never see him as a worthy partner, having already found someone else to keep in her heart. This thought made his heart clench tightly in his chest.
All this time, he had convinced himself that the flirtatious glances she exchanged with the boy who bullied him—James Potter—meant nothing, only a mirage presented to him by his jealousy.
He believed that the reason she spoke so much about him, criticizing his behavior and appearance, was to comfort him, not because she secretly fancied him and feared his reaction if she admitted it. With him constantly on her mind, she felt the need to mention him over and over again, understanding, however, that with Severus, the only way she could speak about him was to present him in a negative light.
Earlier this day, when he was being so cruelly humiliated in front of nearly half the Hogwarts student body, an amused smile played on Lily Evans's lips. She quickly suppressed it, but the fact that it appeared there at all made Severus feel rejected and betrayed, as if he meant absolutely nothing to her.
Even the way she'd scolded a group of Marauders, asking them to leave him alone, seemed to him now nothing more than a mere farce, especially after her indulging in a brief flirtation with James Potter. It turned out that his dear friend apparently considered the moment he was hanging upside down without his pants on as an opportune moment for such a thing. It was quite dissapointing for the boy.
Severus gritted his teeth, a lump in his throat at the memory of her smile. Trying his best not to cry in front of the group of Slytherins sprawled across the numerous sofas in the common room, he turned through the side door. Placing his feet on the metal turquoise walkway, his footsteps echoing through the sewers in which the corridor was embedded, he walked towards the men's dormitory and there immediately went towards his bed positioned to the right of the door.
Ignoring the others, he climbed onto the bed and yanked the green curtains closed to give himself a moment of privacy and avoid uncomfortable questions. He sat down in the middle of the carefully made sheets, crossing his legs, and with a shaking hand, he reached under the mattress. From there, he pulled out a flat, rectangular piece of paper and held it in front of his face.
The object, though palpable in his hand, was invisible and required a spell to reveal itself. When the boy placed the tip of his wand against it and whispered "Revelio," the object glowed in his hand and took the form of a photograph showing a boy with an unhealthy fair complexion, grey eyes, and long black hair. Next to him, taking his arm, stood a shorter girl, her face smiling and cheerful, her hair as red as the scarf around her neck. Behind the two, a group of unfamiliar people and a few slightly blurry amusement park attractions.
The photo showed Lily and Severus when they were both fourteen. It was an ordinary Muggle photo, their faces completely still, their bodies motionless, and the joy and lightness that emanated from them printed in the colored ink. It had been taken by Lily's mother, and although Severus felt a bit awkward being photographed then, he now considered this photo his most precious treasure, one he guarded fiercely.
"Lumos," he whispered, illuminating the curtained space of his bed. His lips curved into a small smile as he looked back at the photo.
His gray eyes flickered gently over the likeness of his younger self, then rested lingeringly on his friend: her smiling face, cheeks flushed from the cold, and her green eyes that sparkled so beautifully. The thought that he would never again experience such a moment with her—going to an amusement park with her family, spending the holidays with them, and exchanging gifts—filled him with an incredible sadness.
His hand holding the photo trembled, his thumb digging into the colorful paper, making creases. He gritted his teeth, trying to control his turbulent emotions before sobbing softly. His vision became blurry as long-held tears finally spilled over.
Lily flashed through his mind again—how he'd met her, how she'd first called him friend; the memory of her touching his hand and the pleasant feeling of being hugged by her resurfaced. He recalled all the brief, sweet moments they'd shared that had given him hope and all the ones he'd tried to push away as he felt more comfortable living this blissful lie.
The truth was bitter and painful. Lily couldn't understand the pain he felt when he saw his humiliation brought her smile because she didn't love him. This was the reason she couldn't come to the conclusion that her behavior was the reason for his harsh words that came out of his lips that day. She didn't care about him as much as he cared about her, so the thought of their friendship ending didn't devastate her as much as it did him.
For the past three years, not a night had passed without him imagining him confessing his feelings to her. He always thought it would happen in the place where they'd first met, that he would gently take her hands, look deeply into her emerald eyes, and make a speech about how much he loved her. In that scene, Lily always reacted with joy, blushing so cutely, and then uttering the same words to him. And then they kissed softly and gently.
But now, when he tried to imagine the scene, it broke and twisted into an unpleasant vision of his worst nightmare. The Lily who appeared to be in love a moment ago vanished, giving way to the one who had glared at him with disgust, slapped his hands away, and told him to leave her alone—something that seemed much more real now.
Suddenly another painful realization washed over Severus—even if Lily had reconsidered the situation and decided to reconcile, it wouldn't have changed anything in the context of his hopes. He understood that continuing to be her friend only because he believed she would eventually love him could only lead him to further suffering.
He wondered briefly how much he could endure to only be by her side. What if she had started dating Potter? What if everything he dreamed of would now become part of their future while he simply stood by and watched? He didn't think he could survive such pain, and if things would lead to this outcome, it surely would become his only close friend and companion every day to the end of his life.
"Maybe... it would actually be better this way," Severus whispered quietly, his voice shaking.
As soon as he uttered these words, the conflicting emotions overwhelmed him. His mind screamed at him that he should seize the opportunity to try to live his own life, to try to forget Lily and rid himself of the suffering he had inflicted on himself. His heart, on the other hand, tried to convince him that perhaps he should just give the girl some time alone. That perhaps a moment of solitude would make her realize that she cared about him and that she wanted him back in her life.
Severus didn't know what to do or which path to take: should he give up or continue to hold on to this hope that he had been cradling within for so long? He felt truly awful. He was so angry, distraught, sad, and in so much pain that he felt as if his soul were about to be burned to ashes if he didn't find a solution to this puzzle soon.
For the past seven years, he had truly believed that after the hell his parents had put him through, fate had finally turned in his favor. He thought that Lily—his dear, sweet Lily—would give him a chance to discover happiness and true love, that she was his true guardian angel, descended to Earth to be by his side forever.
Taking the vision of a future with her as granted, he had no idea all this time that he was engaged in a silent war with James, one he had clearly just lost. Now, without him standing between them, James had a clear path to try to make Lily fall in love with him, and she, in turn, could accept his feelings without feeling guilty about hurting Severus.
From then on, the path seemed clear. How naive he was thinking it could have ended differently.
In a surge of emotion, Severus grabbed the photo he was holding with both hands, intending to tear it up. Unable to bring himself to do so, however, he froze for a moment before bringing the photo to his face, his lips trembling when they kissed Lily's face as they did every night before bed. Then, with a quick spell, he made the photo invisible again and hid it under the mattress before falling onto his back, his wand lying motionless in his hand.
He stared at the ceiling of the canopic bed, each of his blinks washing tears from his eyes, letting them flow along the curve of his cheeks and soak into the pillow. His heart, battered and bruised, ached as if it were about to burst. Lily appeared in his thoughts again, unable to leave his head, bringing only more tears.
He held her hands again, his mouth opening to utter a declaration of love before closing a moment later with just one word, "Goodbye." The taste of it on his lips as it escaped them brought both relief and regret.
Lily gave him a long look before turning and walking away, vanishing into thin air, leaving behind nothing more than a single, shattering feeling of emptiness.
Severus Snape cast a quick silencing charm so that no one in the room could hear him, finally allowing himself to cry.