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Doing dishes is easy when you live alone. One pan, one plate, one cup, a spatula, and one set of silverware. Riz washes them all right after eating dinner, just one of the many leftover habits from living in the military. Be quick, be efficient, and never leave a trace. She's alone more nights than not, choosing to leave the other Alerians to their own families and lives.
They've mostly accepted her as a member of their settlement in the last year and a half. Once she was healthy enough to walk without crutches, Riz worked where she could and helped those who were settling in. When it turned out that she had a green thumb, she got to work in the greenhouses to make a living. That living had eventually gotten her a house on the outskirts of the settlement and her own personal greenhouse that she tended to daily. All in all, it was a good life she had.
Still, Riz isn't like the rest of the settlers. She's big, taller than most of the men around. She's got, from what she's been told, the most serious case of resting bitch face. Nothing about her demeanor puts off the children, or even the few teens in the settlement. The adults are a bit harder to convince, but she hasn't ruffled many feathers in her time as a civilian. They respect her, and that is all Riz can really ask for after a life like hers. At least they see her as a person.
With the dishes drying on the rack, Riz grabs a mug and boils some water on the stove. The herbs from her greenhouse make a decent-tasting tea. Riz has found the right blend to help her sleep, even on the bad nights. She might not be a Spartan anymore, but Riz is still a creature of habit. She'll drink her tea, check on her greenhouse, and go to sleep. She dreams of the UNSC, of Kai, of Vannak. She'll dream of John, and she'll wake up with tears in her eyes, but Riz will keep going.
News travels slowly to places like Aleria, but Riz has heard things. About the battle with the covenant, the disease that spread so quickly, and about the missing Master Chief. Part of her wants to believe that John made it out, as she had. Another part, the more rational side, is mourning him every day.
Riz shakes her head to push those thoughts back, pouring tea into her one trusty mug. She visits some of her neighbors for dinners or celebrations, but it's rare for them to visit her. The mug is warm against her cold hands, and for a moment, Riz just stands in the middle of her kitchen.
The frantic knocking on her door doesn't shock her, but the shouting makes her drop her mug on the counter.
"Riz, come quick! There's been a crash."
Riz hurries to the door, flinging it open before going for her boots. The teenage girl on the other side takes a step inside, bouncing with nervous energy.
"What happened, Mira?" Riz asks, tying her boots up in record time. She grabs her jacket off the hook as Mira catches her breath and speaks.
"A ship came down on the far side. Pirates got there quickly, but Dad saw them on his route. There was someone on the ship. Someone in a Spartan suit."
The word is like a spike through her heart. Riz ushers Mira out of the house.
"Where, where are they?"
"In the clinic! No one knows how to open the suit; they're not responding. It's pretty messed up."
Riz starts running, her scarred body leaving Mira in the dust without meaning to. She doesn't know who it could be, thinks it might be Kai, but it doesn't matter. If it's a Spartan, she has a responsibility to help them. Or, if it comes to it, to mourn them. There's no one else to do it.
When she makes it to the clinic, Riz rips the door open and stumbles inside to a crowd. There are doctors, nurses, and civilians all around. Dr. Jax, Mira's father, recognizes and makes room for Riz immediately.
"Good, you're here. We've got to get him out of that suit, Riz. He's dying."
He leads her to the bed, and Riz's knees give out at the sight of it. The last time she saw a suit so destroyed by plasma damage, it was her own. Her heart clenches as she reaches out for the blackened metal of the arm.
"John," She whimpers, fingers scrambling to take apart Master Chief's suit. The pieces fall apart too easily, and her hands shake. "John, are you in there?"
Dr. Jax follows her lead, and they take off the outer parts of the suit. Riz finds the seam of his helmet and takes it off as gently and quickly as possible. John's face is colored with bruises and dried blood, but it's John.
Once the outer suit and the compression suit are off, the doctors get to work. John is heavily injured, with more wounds than Riz can count. She's quickly pushed away by people who know what to do in situations like this. As much as Riz wants to fall over him, to tell him all about the things he's missed, she knows she's useless in this situation.
Riz steps out of the clinic into the cold air of the night just as Mira makes it to the porch.
"Did you see him?"
"I saw him," Riz says, sitting down on the bench just outside the clinic doors. Her last conversation with John in this very spot rings in her mind. Mira sits next to Riz on the bench, leaning into her side. The girl is warm, still panting from the exertion of running so far. "Where's his ship?"
"Far off," Mira points in the opposite direction to Riz's house. "Probably in pieces now. Do you know him?"
"He's my…" Riz hesitates, then swallows hard and stares out in the dark. "I know him."
They sit in silence for a few minutes until Mira nudges her arm. Riz looks down at the offered handkerchief, then touches her face. When did she start crying? She takes the cloth and presses it to her face.
"Dad will take care of him, Rizzle," Mira says. The nickname has stuck with Mira and the other kids her age. "Don't be sad."
Riz has never seen John attached to so many tubes and wires. She wonders if the oxygen mask over his mouth and nose is bothering him. Riz can't decide if she likes the beard and the longer hair, or if she should groom John before he wakes up. The hums and beeps of medical machines and John's shallow breaths fill the room.
"He's going to need more time, Riz." Dr. Jax says, coming through the curtains drawn for John's privacy. She barely nods to acknowledge him from her seat right next to John's bed. "It's a miracle that he's even alive. The ship was being autopiloted, from what I saw. No idea how he made it or where he came from."
Riz watches John, but the man doesn't so much as twitch under her gaze. She's been at his bedside through the night, since the surgeons got him stabilized. Still, she hasn't dared to touch him yet. Touching him would either make this real or make it disappear.
"He won't stay in place once he wakes up."
"I'm sure," Dr. Jax chuckles, checking John's vitals. "I've got him on the strongest sedatives I can; it'll keep him down for a while. You should get some rest, Riz. I'll let you know if anything changes."
Riz knows that she has responsibilities. Her greenhouse needs attention, she's got to help out others, and, most importantly, she needs to sleep. She's no good to John if she's dead on her feet.
"I'll be back." She says as she gets back to her feet. When Dr. Jax leaves them, Riz leans down to look over John again. With a shaking, callused hand, she cups the side of his face. He's real, warm, and alive.
"I'll be back, John."
"When did you meet him?"
Riz looks up from her tomato plant to squint at Mira. The girl has insisted on helping out in Riz's greenhouse, overwhelmed by the larger greenhouses in the town center but still wanting to do her part. They were harvesting tomatoes to be cooked or preserved when Mira decided to ask questions.
"When we were young. We grew up together in the military."
"Will he stay here with you?"
Riz turns back to her plant and plucks off a ripe tomato. She rotates it in her hand to check for imperfections and soft spots. "Maybe. For a while."
"You think he's gonna leave again? In that state?"
"He's not one to stay in one place," Riz muses, setting the tomato into her basket with the others. "Master Chief is needed by so many people in the galaxies."
"He's not just Master Chief," Mira says, and when Riz looks back to find the girl staring at her. "He's got a proper name, doesn't he?"
"John," Riz says, and she can't help but smile when she says his name.
"I hope John stays," Mira says, mirroring Riz's smile.
Riz's memory has always been perfect, almost photographic. She remembers all of Halsey's teachings, as much as she can't stand the woman. She can't forget her precious kitten, lost after her failings. Riz doesn't think anything will ever take Vannak and Kai from her memory. The way he smiled, her silly quips and childlike antics, and their last training session together. Louis and Danillo will always have a special place in her heart because they showed her a new way to live.
Riz knows that no matter what, even if her memory ever fails her, she will never forget John. Every word, every motion, every hair on his head accounted for deep in her brain. She was basically designed to be a part of his core team, tied by an invisible silver string to all of them. When it came down to the end, Riz and John were the only ones left. She thought she lost him after that final hug. But John came back to her after all this time.
Her pillow is wet with tears, and Riz decides that this will be the last time she sleeps in her bed until John wakes up.
Riz is no little lady. In the year and a half of healing and working, she's still maintaining the majority of her previous muscle mass. It helps when soil needs moving, and harvests need carrying. Still, she can't deny that she struggles to move John's unconscious weight on her own when she decides she will cut his hair. She manages, of course. Riz always manages.
Dr. Jax comes in just as Riz is laying John back down, dusting any leftover hair away. He's not surprised to see her, nor does he make a fuss about visiting hours.
"Mira tells me you promised her a month's worth of credits to take care of your place."
"I hope I didn't overstep," She responds, sweeping up John's hair. "I thought you could use a hand, is all."
"I don't mind. It'll teach her responsibility. And you know I'll never turn down a helping hand. I'll tell the nurses to leave our big fella to you."
The nurses are happy to leave the 'big fella' to Riz. They check his vitals, replace his IV bags, and scuttle off to their other duties. It leaves her with a lot of time to watch him and refamiliarize herself with John-117. She replaces his dressings, taking note of scars, old and new. His shoulder is bad, burned by plasma and dislocated when he arrived. His right leg is worse, skin shredded so badly that it needed to be grafted. Riz dutifully cares for him, whispering behind the blue privacy curtains around them.
She'd go home at least once a day, never spending too much time there. She would shower, change, check on the plants, then head back to John's side. It doesn't feel like a chore or an obligation. She wants to be there when he wakes up. Perhaps it's selfish that she wants to be the first thing he sees when he opens his eyes.
In the middle of the second week, Mira is there when Riz makes her daily trip home.
"How is he?" She asks, heating some soup that had been canned earlier in the year. A slurry of vegetables and spices to be eaten with hard bread.
"Better. Healing. Your dad thinks he'll wake up soon." Riz says from her bedroom, changing into another sweater and donning a thicker jacket. It's getting colder. She'll have to put an order in for a bigger jacket for John. "Weaning him off the heavy stuff."
"Cool." Mira pours the hot soup into two bowls, encouraging Riz to sit with her long enough to eat something. "I can't wait to meet him!"
Riz appreciates the enthusiasm and the meal. The damp curls in the front of her head tumble over her forehead, getting in her way as she eats. She brushes it back the first few times until Mira stands up.
"Let me get my stuff. I'll twist it for you!"
"No, no, it's fine."
"Come on, I want to! It'll look pretty."
Riz gives in more easily than she'd like to admit, but tells Mira to be quick about it. She makes two-strand twists as thin as a pointer finger through Riz's hair. It's gotten longer, much longer than it would ever be allowed at UNSC, even though she's cut it twice since her retirement. Once the twists are in place, Mira pulls the top half back into a bun, leaving the bottom half to rest on her shoulders. Riz looks at herself in the bathroom mirror, twisting and turning to see her red locks.
"I think he'll like it," Mira says.
"He won't notice," Riz replies, but she still smiles at her reflection.
"How long has it been? Two weeks?" A nurse whispers, obnoxiously loud on the other side of the curtain.
"Almost three," Another responds, trying to keep her voice down. Riz knows they mean no harm, but she can't help but feel annoyed that the sound of them has woken her up. She's sitting on a chair, head pillowed in crossed arms resting on John's bed. It's her poor attempt to be comfortable in the early hours of the day. "Completely off the sedatives now, but he's still not waking. Not sure if there's anything left up there."
A third nurse shushes them, whispering in low beratement, and the nurses scatter. Riz squeezes her eyes tighter and tries to fall back asleep. In between fully awake and dreaming, heat radiates on her cheek. For the moment, Riz thinks it's the sun. Then she feels the subtle scratch of calluses and realizes that it's a big hand warming her face. Riz sits up slowly not to disturb the hand cupping her face. John's eyes are barely open, but they're wide enough for her to see his deep brown eyes.
"John," Riz whispers, standing to lean over him. It feels like a dream to see him awake and following her with his eyes. "John, you're alright. Just take it slow, okay?"
He tries to speak, but his words are impeded by the oxygen mask. Riz lifts his head just enough to slide the mask off and drops it to the side of him to get in closer. She runs fingers over his jaw,
"You're on Aleria, John. You've been out for a few weeks. Your suit is in pieces, but it's safe. Can't say the same for your ship."
"You-" John's voice is scratchy from dehydration and disuse. "You're real?"
Riz nods, trembling at the sound of his voice after all this time.
"I'm real, Chief."
Dr. Jax pulls the curtain, followed by a nurse. John tenses, but Riz is quick to soothe him.
"They're here to help. Dr. Jax saved your life."
He lets Dr. Jax check his vitals and sit him up in the medical bed, finally letting go of Riz's cheek, but his eyes never leave her. She sits in her chair as the doctor works.
"You're going to be alright," Dr. Jax says. "Walking will be tough and lifting even harder, but you'll be up and running in no time. I'll keep you a few more nights before I let you go, alright?"
John barely nods, but Dr. Jax takes that with a smile. The nurse offers him water, and John drinks it down. Eventually, the excitement wears off and the two of them are alone again.
"How long since I left?" John asks.
"Year and a half, not including the three weeks you've been out."
He swallows and finally looks away from her. John stares down at his own hands as he speaks again.
"I was with Cortana… I made it to the Halo, made it inside, but" John clears his throat, still so unused to talking. "I lost her again."
"You'll find her," Riz assures, standing up again. She's never doubted his resolve or his ability. If he found her once, he can find her again. "I'll get you some clothes, get you walking again."
"Riz," John whispers, just for the two of them to hear. She sits down on the side of his bed, a thin sheet the only thing separating their legs. "You healed alright?"
"Plenty of scars, but I'm alright now."
John looks out of it, haggard from spending so much time in bed. His eyes have dark bags underneath them, his lips are dry, and his beard has grey in it. It's funny, Riz thinks, because she never thought she would see him show signs of age.
"You look…" He starts, looking at her head before glancing down again. "You look healthy."
She holds in a scoff, then pats his hand.
"I'll be right back."
John's pride never came from ego. He always stood tall because countless lives were stacked on his shoulders. He could never falter because faltering meant death for those who aren't as strong. So, it makes sense to Riz that he hates having to lean on her to walk. Not because it's her, but because he's supposed to be the solid one.
She doesn't coo, doesn't say "one step at a time" or any of the other pitiful words that she's heard in the clinic. She just wraps her arm around his big, thick body and puts his arm around her shoulders, and she walks. John is stronger than she expects but weaker than he wants to be. They make it out of the clinic with few hiccups, into the cold afternoon air.
"More people than last time," John comments, taking the stairs faster than he should. Riz has almost forgotten what it feels like to be next to someone bigger than her, taller than her by a good few inches. It makes her the perfect size to be a human crutch for John as he remembers how to walk again.
"Less pirates now. They have better places to steal from. It's still a lot less crowded than the prettier planets."
John smiles and lets out a puff of air that Riz will consider a laugh. It's a slightly less foggy day, allowing for some sunlight to shine on them.
"You live close?"
"On the outskirts of the settlement. Need the space for my greenhouse."
"Greenhouse?" John muses, taking slow and deliberate breaths as they walk down a path lined with small homes and stores. So different from the sanitized living at UNSC. "Makes sense, in a way."
It's her turn to chuckle, looking at John. He already looks better in the outside air. "How so?"
"Growing something takes a lot of time, dedication, and focus. You've got that in droves, Riz."
"Thank you, sir."
The quip makes John smile, that close-mouthed, uneven grin, and that's enough for Riz.
"Rizzle!!" Mira's voice comes from behind them, and the girl quickly rounds a corner to face them. She's bouncing with her usual excitement, curls following her movements. "He's awake! You're awake!"
"Thank you for watching over my place, Mira. Just a couple more days, okay?"
"He's going to stay with you?"
It feels like an obvious thing to Riz, but she supposes that it isn't written in stone. She looks back at John, who just nods.
"Yes, he's staying with me."
Mira nods happily, looking up at John with wonder in her eyes. He's a big, intimidating man even out of the suit. John coughs awkwardly, so Riz saves him the trouble and starts walking. "A little further, then we'll turn back."
Mira follows them like a little duckling, preening at the attention they're getting. People stop to stare at the big man, but John is focused on every step in front of him. He's trying hard to use his usual gait with his new limitations. Riz keeps him upright and leads the way and back until they climb up the clinic steps. They rest on the bench in front of the clinic, and John rolls his shoulders.
"Riz," Dr. Jax opens the door and calls out. "Come fill out these forms for me, will you? The sooner it's done, the sooner you can take the big fella home."
She leaves John on the bench and heads inside to appease the good doctor. The forms are easy, more of a formality than anything. As soon as she's done, Dr. Jax tells Riz she can take John home tomorrow.
Mira is whispering in John's ear when Riz steps out of the clinic. He has to lean over awkwardly to hear her, but he doesn't seem to mind.
"Mira?" Riz questions, but the girl stands up and gives a wave.
"See you tomorrow, Rizzle!"
And off she goes, back to Rix's house to check on the plants. Riz sits back down next to John, so close that their shoulders are touching.
"What did she say?"
John's smiling when he turns to look at Riz. It's a soft, handsome smile that does something strange to Riz's heart.
"Told me that she did your hair, and that I should notice it."
Riz laughs softly, resisting the urge to touch the twists resting on her shoulders.
"It's nice," John says, raising a hand. He almost touches her hair, but hesitates and drops his hand. "You look nice, Rizzle."
Riz breaks out into a loud chuckle. She can't believe her ears when she hears John chuckle too.
"Don't you start with that nickname, too. The kids are bad enough."
"Blame the painkillers."
"You woke up at the perfect time. Not often that we get fresh meat."
Riz sets John's plate in front of him at her dining room table. Dr. Jax was happy to release him to her custody, and John is happy to receive a real meal. The chicken is topped with a creamy sauce, and Riz piled up all the roasted vegetables she could on both their plates. John grabs a fork and cuts himself a decent chunk of chicken, and bites into it. He looks better already, healing so much faster than a normal human.
"It's good," John mumbles, swallowing down the first bite and going back for more. "Didn't know you could cook."
"I couldn't before. I mean, nothing complicated. Mira taught me most of what I know." Riz smiles at the memory of the young girl teaching her how to make food that she'd never thought to try.
"You're close to her, to that family."
Riz nods, cutting her chicken into smaller pieces before eating. "Her mother, Marlow, gave me a job in the greenhouses when I was healing. Dr. Jax took care of me, and Mira…she likes me. Never thought there would be a kid I didn't scare away. Kai was always better with them."
John nods, and Riz watches the way his jaw works as he chews. She wonders if she should buy a razor next time she goes to the general store.
"She was still alive, after Reach."
"Kai?" The information is a relief, but John's expression makes the worry double. "What happened?"
"Long story. But, I don't know where she is now."
It hurts John to lose people. Riz knew, had stared straight into his pained eyes when she told him she was done fighting. He lost his entire team and Cortana, adding more salt to the constantly open wound.
She's afraid to ask for more information, doesn't want to rile him up while he's still injured. So, Riz eats, lets the silence stretch and fill up the entire room. Sometimes, in their downtime, the two of them could sit in silence for hours on end. Riz reading whatever she could get her hands on, and John going through maps and plans. Maybe, in the back of her mind, Riz thinks those moments brought John peace as much as they brought her.
"You said you have my suit?" John asks, after finishing his second helping of food. Riz points toward a door to her right.
"In the spare room. I did what I could, but you'll need new parts. Hope you still have some connections."
Riz collects the plates and silverware, taking them to the sink. John drinks down more water, keeping movement limited.
"I can reach out to a few. It'll take a while, probably. Got a bed in that spare room too?"
"No. You'll take my bed. I'll take the couch."
"No, I -" John tries to get up too quickly, wincing and sitting back down. "I can't put you out like that."
"Don't worry," Riz turns on the sink, dutifully washing their dishes. "I'll kick your ass onto the couch as soon as you're better."
They both know it's a lie, but John doesn't refute her. The sound of running water and scrubbing fills the room where words can't. Riz wonders if she'll ever find the right words to say to John that will convince him to stay.
The greenhouse has been in good hands. Riz is thoroughly impressed as she inspects the space from front to back in the morning. Mira kept things clean, pulled out weeds and problem plants, and made sure to harvest everything that needed harvesting. She even took the time to organize the shelf of seed containers, plant food, and other various gardening things. Riz makes a mental note to pay Mira a few extra credits for the job well done.
The tomato plants have given all they will this cycle, so Riz focuses on digging potatoes out of their beds with gloved hands. She'll be able to sell them quickly, and the rest will fill out her meals. Their meals.
John slept in her bed last night, assisted by the painkillers from Dr. Jax. Riz checked on him throughout the night between blips of sleep. As she roots around for potatoes, Riz thinks about the feeling in her chest every time she looks at John. Before, back on Reach, it was always respect, pride, and occasional annoyance. Without the hormonal pellet, her feelings for John and everyone else had been so bright and new and completely overwhelming. She didn't have names for all those new emotions until she finally let herself feel them without the overlying blanket of shame. It only makes sense that John would fall back into her life and shake up all her emotions again.
It's not like Riz doesn't know what love is now. She loved Louis, probably would have loved Danilo too. She loves Kai, wherever that wild girl is in this universe. Riz loves Vannak, misses him dearly every single day of her life. She's pretty sure she loves John, too, but the squeeze of her heart feels different. After she's got a bucket full of potatoes, Riz is no closer to figuring out the answer to her newest dilemma. She takes the bucket to the garden sink and starts scrubbing the dirt off.
The door to the greenhouse behind her opens, followed by the soft shuffling of steps.
"Close the door," She says without looking. "Don't let the heat out."
"Yes, sir," John mutters, closing the door behind him. Riz hears the soft exhalation as John gets used to the hot humidity of the greenhouse. "Thank you for breakfast."
"No problem. How are you feeling?"
John finds the bench and sits with a low groan, partially answering Riz's questions.
"Bad. Better than yesterday."
Riz drops a clean potato in a new, clean bucket. She reaches for another dirty one as she speaks. "You'll be healed up in no time," John grunts in agreement, and the silence stretches once more, filled only by the sound of running water and the scrubbing of potatoes. Riz feels John's eyes on her as she word, a thin lance at her back.
Riz gets halfway through the bucket before John decides to break the silence.
"It's beautiful, the Halo. I crashed right into it with Cortana. It was everything I thought it would be and more."
He tells Riz about all of it. The spike and the plan to destroy everything just to keep the Halo out of the wrong hands. Riz never liked Parongosky, but she thinks the feeling is full-blown hate after John tells her about all the soldiers thrown at the Convenant. He keeps going, explaining how he found Cortana and how the two of them made it to the Halo together.
Riz understands, for the most part, the connection that John has to Cortana. She's been in John's mind, knows him better than anyone ever has or ever will. It's evident in his voice, the soft smile in his tone that Riz can feel even as she stays hunched over the sink, scrubbing potatoes.
John struggles to explain what happened next, after he killed 'the Arbiter' and walked through that doorway after Makee. He talks about the darkness, inky black and unnaturally silent. He talks about the voice that finally greeted him, and Riz tries to keep up with the story as it speeds up. The further John goes into the Halo, the less the story makes sense to Riz.
"I don't know how I made it out," John admits. Riz is done with the potatoes, setting the last one into the clean bucket and standing up straight. "Cortana must have taken over. I woke up on a ship going to Onyx, a year later. Time works differently in the Halo."
Riz turns, leaning on the sink and watching John. He's sitting up with his hands pressed together in his lap.
"What about the virus? Onyx was ground zero. Why would Cortana send you there?"
"There wasn't anything left when I got there. Nothing but Covenant."
"I hear Dr. Keyes eventually got it under control. She must have taken the survivors off the planet before you showed up. How did you get out of there?"
"Cortana, again."
"A real trooper, that AI."
"She did everything that she could, but she got stretched too thin. She got me into that escape ship and asked me where I wanted to go."
"And in that moment," John whispers, eyes trained on a crack in the concrete floor. He won't look at Riz; he can't meet her eyes. "In all that carnage and wreckage and violence, all I could think about was you. If you were still alive, if you were still hurting. It was all you. Cortana sent me here because…"
Riz bites the inside of her cheek in anticipation. She hadn't considered that coming to Aleria was purposeful. She took it as one hell of a coincidence, but she should have known better. Riz closes the distance between them with a few swift steps. John looks at Riz as she sits down next to him with those dark, wet eyes.
"Because you're all I have left, Riz."
That last whisper is soft, softer than Riz has ever heard his voice before. Riz wraps her arms around him, careful about his injuries, and drops her head on his shoulder. Last time they hugged, the first time, John had pulled away and Riz thought she'd never see him again. This time, it's like hugging a statue until eventually John's arms come around her body and he holds her. Something about the completely normal and all too human action brings tears to Riz's eyes once more.
"You're all I have of that life, John. I lost Kai, lost Vannack, and I knew it was only a matter of time before I lost you, too. It's like I've been mourning you since you left, and I hated every second of it. I thought moving on would be easier, but I don't want to live this life on my own. I'm so happy you're here, I'm so happy you came back to me."
Her voice is wobbly, uneven, and full of unshed tears. She has already lost the need to look strong in front of John. He's already seen her at her weakest; what a few tears on his shirt?
John's big hand presses against Riz's back, warm and rough through her clothes. It's a placation in place of words because they both know that he won't stay. He can't stay. But for now, this is enough.
They hug until the heat of the greenhouse becomes too much. For people like them, it takes a long, long time.
"He's healed almost perfectly. It's truly amazing." Dr. Jax mumbles it to Riz a couple weeks later. They're a part of the circle of townspeople surrounding a large bonfire, the last one before the winter gets too cold for gatherings. "I can't believe he was so close to death not so long ago."
"Thank you, doctor," Riz says, looking from the other man to the fire. Some teens are throwing more branches on the flames, and others are helping younger children cook sausages or sweets on long sticks.
"No need. I'm just doing my job. I'll give your friend his clean bill of health tomorrow."
Dr. Jax pats Riz's shoulder and gets up from his seat to walk around. People are in full celebration mode, drinking, eating, talking, laughing, and enjoying the night. Riz is happy to sit back and watch the people around her. Soon, her eyes fall on John again.
Mira has taken it upon herself to introduce John to all of their neighbors. It's amusing to watch a teenager lead around a man who's at least three times her size. John actually plays along, which is equally surprising and amusing. Mira and her friends are currently circling John, comparing their heights to his. Riz feels the way her smile gets bigger as she watches John look so out of place. He turns his head toward Riz and their eyes meet. John smiles back at her, and Riz has to look away to save her heart beating out of her chest.
The feeling, the different squeeze of her heart, had only increased as she stayed by John's side in the last few weeks. Every logical part of her brain was attempting to keep her leveled. There wouldn't be anything between them, not in the way that Riz craves when all the lights are out. She knows this, reminds herself daily, and still her stubborn affection grows.
It grows with every smile John sends her way, small and secret as they may be. Every bump of their shoulders in Riz's small home, every conversation that isn't about war, and every stolen glance when she checks on him as he sleeps. She's stuck between languishing in every minute of his presence and preparing her heart for when he leaves. He's already gotten the parts he needs to fix his suit. He's healthy, much healthier than a normal man would be after those kinds of injuries. It's only a matter of time before he's not in her life again.
The music picks up as the night gets colder, and people start breaking off in pairs and groups to dance. Riz watches as Mira's group grabs hands and goes around the fire to dance in circles. They're more carefree than anyone else in their community. They're happy as kids should be. Riz imagines herself as a girl instead of a child soldier. Maybe she would have danced around a bonfire with her friends, head thrown back in laughter.
"Would you like to dance?" The voice of a man draws Riz's eyes away from the dancing kids and to her left side. It's Sid, someone that Riz met working at the main greenhouses. He's a nice man, sturdy from work, and quite handsome.
"I don't dance," Riz answers, but she smiles at him to smooth the rejection. Sid nods and sits down beside her, where Dr. Jax had been sitting a while before. He's an older man with gray peppering short, curly hair. Riz wonders if John will start having gray hair around his temples to match the bit in his facial hair.
"Miss having you at the greenhouses. The others just ain't cutting it."
"I'll be back to help plant the next round."
Sid nods and looks over Riz's shoulder. His face does a funny thing before it levels out into his usual easygoing smile.
"You and that big fella go together?"
Riz lets out a huff that could pass for a laugh. "His name is John. And," She starts, but doesn't know how to answer that question. A couple of years ago, she would have said yes of course we go together, he's my commanding officer. But she knows now that isn't what it really means to regular people.
"We grew up together," She settles on, but that doesn't feel right. Sid doesn't seem very convinced either.
"He staying? We could use a helping hand."
"He'll be gone before the next harvest."
Sid stands back up, giving Riz a wink and a toothy smile. "Maybe I'll ask for another dance after that. Enjoy your night, Riz."
Riz's brows scrunch together as she processes what Sid meant. Heat rushes to her cheeks as the pieces fall. For how smart Riz is, she can be really dumb.
"Who was that?" John asks, coming out of nowhere to sit on the other side of Riz. She turns in time to see John staring at Sid's back. His seat, a flimsy metal thing, sinks under his weight but holds.
"I worked with him; he's nice."
"Nice," John repeats. He stops watching Sid to look at Riz. Their eyes meet, and Riz forces herself not to look away. The light of the bonfire is dancing over the expanse of John's face, highlighting every wrinkle and scar. "What did he want?"
"To dance," Riz says with a shrug. "He'll find another partner."
Sure enough, when Riz looks for him, Sid has already started dancing with someone else.
"Do you dance now?" John asks, a hint of amusement in his tone.
"Can you imagine?" She laughs, ignoring the ache in her chest. Normal people didn't overthink something as simple as dancing at a celebration.
"Why not? You're one of them, aren't you?"
It feels like an accusation coming from John. One of them. A civilian. An Alerian. A normal person who did normal things while soldiers fought above their heads. More importantly, not like John. Not anymore.
"I'll never be one of them," She mumbles, looking back at the bonfire. Mira is on the other side of it, curled against her mother. She's breathless, but happy. "Not fully. I can't have children; I wouldn't want any if I could. I'll grow old, eventually, but they'll be long gone before that. I know I'm not a Spartan anymore, but that doesn't mean I'm one of them."
Riz clears her throat, blaming the bonfire smoke for the scratch on her throat and the watering of her eyes. She flexes her hand on her thigh and thinks about calling it a night.
She's held hands before. With Kai, when Riz was injured and fighting for her life. With Vannak, mostly when they were children. With Mira, careful with the girl's fragile fingers even as she heals. All those times are vastly different from John sliding his palm against hers and clasping their hands together. His hands are big and rough and warm and everything Riz ever let herself imagine they'd be. She closes her fingers as well, and they're holding hands like a couple of normal people.
"Are they good to you?" John asks, all sincere and soft. "Make you feel welcome, all of that."
"They're good to me."
The words they'll take care of me after you're gone are an unspoken answer to an unasked question.
"Good," John mumbles, and his thumb rubs against the top of her hand. "I'm glad you stayed. You make civilian life look good."
It lights a spark in Riz's heart that she didn't know could be lit again. That little spark is enough to imagine a life for both of them away from battle. A life where they can finally move on and be happy. She doesn't respond because all the words are caught up in her throat. Riz just squeezes John's hand and they sit together until the fire dies.
Sleeping on the couch usually comes easily. Most nights, Riz could fall asleep on a cold concrete floor. Now it feels like she may never sleep again, despite the warm dark of the house. They had walked back to Riz's home after the bonfire, still holding hands. The spell had broken after they reached the threshold, and they hadn't spoken since. Riz pretends that John is fast asleep in the bedroom, but she knows that's not true. She turns for the fourth time in the last five minutes before pushing her blanket off her body. It's useless to try and go back to normal now.
Instead, Riz gets off her couch and takes small steps toward the bedroom. Warm air from the heater does nothing for the goosebumps on her arms. The bedroom door is cracked open just enough for Riz to see John on the bed. He's not even pretending to sleep, sitting up with the blankets pooled around his waist. When Riz pushes the door open, John doesn't look all that surprised. She briefly wonders if he would have gone out if she hadn't come in. He's got a shirt on, but it wouldn't really matter if he didn't. At least, Riz thinks she remembers being unaffected by a shirtless John back in their Spartan days.
"Here to kick my ass out?" John asks, but he's already lying back down. He keeps the covers up until Riz slides under them, leaving no more space between them. Riz tucks her head under his chin, breathing in the scent of body wash and warm skin. John wraps his arms around her, one around her waist to pull her in close enough. To get closer, Riz has to lift one leg and rest it on John's thigh, just before where his boxers end.
"It's cold." A lie, but much easier than the truth. John hums in fake agreement and cradles Riz close. The noise rumbles through Riz and she can finally close her eyes.
"You're leaving soon, aren't you? Sooner than you should."
"…Ship's on the way. A few days at most."
Riz can't act surprised by it, but it still hurts. Still, she has no fight left in her.
"I'll come back-"
"Don't. Don't make me a promise like that. Just…just do what you need to do, John."
It's a final order; It lingers in the air until they fall asleep in each other's arms. Riz lets herself dream of a life where John doesn't leave. In the morning, she'll be back to her usual, logical self. In a few days, John will be gone again.