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At 19 years old there are a few things that Ahn Suho is sure of.
He's sure that baseball is the greatest sport to ever be invented and that the Doosan Bears are the best team in Korea despite all his friends disagreeing with him.
He's sure that he's the best at any video game compared to Humin, who plays as if he can't see the tv in front of him.
He's sure no one makes better food than his Halmeoni.
He's sure that he sucks at karaoke but at least he's better than Gotak so he considers it a win.
And he used to be sure that no one knew Yeon Sieun better than he did. It used to be the only thing he was ever sure of.
It's only been three months since he woke up from his coma, but there's one thing he can't seem to shake off.
The current Sieun isn't anything like he remembers. He's different. It took him a while to notice, but now that he has, he can't seem to stop.
It's something small, it doesn't even bother him much at first.
They're all together at the restaurant Suho and Humin work at, recharging their energies after a long day. Sieun and Juntae came straight from their classes at University and Gotak had arrived earlier from his internship.
"I can't take it anymore. I need a break." Gotak complains, throwing himself on Juntae's shoulder to fake cry.
Suho rolls his eyes at the very bad attempt at flirting.
"I know what you need my friend. You need to drink." Humin suggests, a huge grin on his face.
"No, I need to quit." Gotak says, his voice muffled by Juntae's shirt.
"You could always do both." Suho points out, earning a slap on his arm from Sieun.
"Why do you want to quit?" Sieun asks, ignoring Suho's pout. Gotak finally lifts his head from Juntae's shoulder, leaning his head on it instead.
"My boss hates me, he's been making me work so many hours. I'm exhausted." He complains.
While Suho listens to him, he can't stop but think about how odd all of this is to him. It's moments like these, when someone talks about their job or mentions their university classes, that Suho realises how much time has actually passed.
He knows it sounds very cliché but to him it feels like high school was yesterday, but that's because to him it was. Being thrown into adult life when he barely got to enjoy his teenage years is such a complicated thing to wrap his head around. He can't even explain it properly.
Suho is sure he'll adapt at some point. It's just taking a bit longer than he expected.
He must've spaced out for longer than he thought because Gotak pokes him, bringing his attention back to the conversation.
"What?" He says.
"We said we're going out for drinks on Friday. You're coming." Humin says very matter-of-fact, giving Suho no choice.
"What about Sieun? He doesn't drink." Suho points out, surprised Sieun's friends don't know this about him yet.
They must be very surprised because suddenly all four of them are staring at him, everyone pairing slightly confused expressions.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Humin asks. "Ice princess over here is the best drinker out of all of us! He's a heavyweight." He informs with pride, reaching across the table to shuffle Sieun's hair.
Suddenly Suho's heart feels like it weighs a hundred pounds.
He stares at the table for a few seconds, before turning to Sieun who's trying his hardest to pull away from Humin's hand. Once he's finally free, Sieun turns to look at him, a confused look on his face.
Suho chooses to ignore Humin's comment.
Okay, so Humin knows that and he doesn't. So what?
"Sieun-ah, since when do you drink?" He teases, a grin on his face. "I thought you said kids shouldn't drink. Are you all grown up now?" Suho keeps teasing, but Sieun looks a little sad now.
"I'm nineteen." Sieun says slowly, and Suho swears the world pauses for a second.
Right.
Once again Suho is reminded that he isn't the only one who's suddenly an adult. Sieun is also 19 years old. He's not the teenager that used to refuse to drink with him.
"Wah! You're an adult now, Sieun-ah!" He exclaims loudly. "I forgot that it's been many years." He laughs, hoping to make a joke but he sees the moment Sieun's shoulders tense up.
One thing that hasn't changed is Sieun's avoidance. He's still as stubborn as he used to be. Therefore they haven't talked about that yet.
The fight, the coma, the texts, Oh Beomseok. It's all been left unsaid, Sieun clearly not interested in talking about it yet and Suho choosing not to bring it up for his best friend's sake.
"The first round will be on me!" Gotak exclaims, obviously trying to break the silence.
"To Go Hyeontak's freedom!" Humin says loudly, throwing his arm around Juntae.
"Freedom!" Juntae jumps in, bringing out a smile from Sieun and Suho finally feels like he can relax again.
As the hours fly by, they gradually leave one by one. Gotak is the first to go, because despite complaining about his job, he'll never quit and needs to be there first thing in the morning. Juntae and Humin follow soon after, Juntae being dragged out by Humin who wants to go see the Han River.
The two walk back to Sieun's place in silence. It's a comfortable silence that has no need to be filled with useless chatter.
It's silences like these that remind Suho of the past. Of the hours he'd spend at Sieun's house in silence, watching the boy study. Despite being a chatterbox like his grandmother likes to call him, there's nothing Suho enjoys more than sitting in silence and watching Sieun do anything.
They're quiet as they walk into the apartment, Sieun immediately making his way into his room, Suho following him like a lost puppy.
Suho watches as the boy moves around his bedroom, opening drawers to get him something to sleep in. Not a single word was said on the way here but somehow they both knew Suho was staying over tonight.
When Sieun moves to the bathroom to shower, Suho pulls out the small mattress that stays in Sieun's closet for whenever he stays over. He grabs his designated matching Spider-Man blanket and pillow, setting everything up for himself.
When he finally emerges from the bathroom, Suho feels like the world stopped for the second time today. His already dark hair is darker from being damp, he's wearing an old shirt that used to belong to Suho ages ago.
When Sieun finally looks up at him, probably wondering why Suho is staring at him, he has to force himself to look away from those eyes. The same eyes he used to stare into many years ago.
"I don't have class tomorrow morning." Sieun starts, snapping him out of his thoughts. "I'm going to the library, if you want to join." He suggests.
"You really can't spend a day without me, Sieunnie." Suho teases, enjoying the sight of Sieun's ears going bright red.
"Idiot." Sieun huffs out but Suho sees the hint of a smile on his face.
"I'm going to take a shower, try not to miss me too much." Suho jokes, running off fast enough to dodge the object thrown at his head.
Suho is quick in the shower, coming out of the bathroom smelling exactly like Sieun's jasmine scented shampoo. He's wearing one of his own old shirts, he didn't even know Sieun had taken this one.
When he walks back into the room, Sieun has his eyes closed, wrapped in his blankets. The Spider-Man plushie Sieun had thrown at his head is now tucked into Suho's makeshift bed. He turns off the bedroom light and climbs onto his mattress, immediately clinging to the doll. He stares up at the bedroom ceiling for a bit, his mind unable to stop all his thoughts.
The conversation from the restaurant keeps replaying in his mind. He doesn't know why he's so bothered by it. Okay, so Sieun's new friends know a lot about him too, what's the problem with that?
None, exactly.
He's not insecure or jealous. No, he's just wondering what else he doesn't know.
He should ask. It's not a bad idea.
It's just research.
He knows Sieun is still awake because of how still he is on the bed, so he decides to go for it.
"What's your favourite alcoholic drink?" Suho suddenly asks into the darkness.
"What?" Sieun mumbles. Suho can't see him but he can picture the furrow between his brows.
"What's your favourite alcoholic drink?" He repeats.
He can hear Sieun shift in the bed as he stretches out to turn on the small lamp on his nightstand. Sieun's face suddenly lights up, his big eyes shining down at him.
For a second Suho forgets what he asked.
"I'm trying to sleep." Sieun states, as if Suho isn't trying the same thing.
He can't fall asleep though. He can't brush off the fact there was something about Sieun that he didn't know and now he's craving to know every little detail.
"Please. Just humour me." Suho pleads. Sieun simply stares at him for a bit before sighing and dropping back down on the bed, leaving the light on.
"I guess soju. I don't really drink anything other than that." Sieun says.
Suho's heart warms up at the new information he's getting. More. He needs to know more.
"What flavour though?" He asks, hoping Sieun will keep humouring him.
"Peach. When I looked up all the flavours, every website kept mentioning peach as the best one for beginners." Sieun informs him and Suho squeezes his eyes shut.
Sieun is so adorable. Of course he did his research on which soju flavour to drink. Suho can just imagine him sitting over his notebook, writing down the pros and cons of each flavour before picking one and sticking to it.
"Peach is good. I like the blueberry one, you should try it someday." Suho tells him, also wanting Sieun to know more about him. "I'll take you." He adds.
"Hmm." Is all Sieun says. "Are you happy? Can we sleep now?" He says, stretching to turn off the lamp.
"What else is new about you?" Suho asks.
He feels Sieun hesitate next to him.
"I-, uhm, I applied for a job interview." Sieun confesses. Suho's neck cracks from turning towards him so fast. "I haven't said anything because I don't know if I'll get it."
"What's the job?" Suho asks. He wants to say that of course he'll get it, he's the smartest person he knows.
"At a florist."
He's surprised. Out of all the things he could say, florist was the last thing on his list.
It's a bit cute. Yeon Sieun, the florist. He would look pretty surrounded by flowers.
Suho decides he likes it.
"I didn't know you liked flowers." Suho chooses to say. He's keeping the compliments to himself.
"It's a new interest. I've been reading about them." He adds. He sounds happy.
"Yeah? What's your favourite?" Suho asks.
He doesn't know enough about flowers, but he'll look up the meanings later.
"Water lilies."
"Are those your birth month flowers?" Suho asks. Sieun doesn't say anything for awhile.
"Sure." He sighs out.
Suho doesn't dwell on the odd answer, his mind wondering back to Humin's comment. Do the boys know this? Or is this information for Suho and Suho alone?
"Do they know this?" Suho asks. As soon as he says it he regrets it. Gosh he sounds like a child.
Sieun sits up again, staring at Suho once more. His eyes run over Suho's face, searching for something. Suho simply stares back, waiting for an answer.
Whatever it is that Sieun is searching for in his expression, he must find it because his eyes suddenly soften, small creases in the corner as if he's holding back a small smile.
"No, they don't know that." Sieun finally says.
Suho beams at this.
"Goodnight Sieun-ah. Dream about your favourite hyung." Suho says, turning off the lamp and turning away from him with a smile.
He can feel Sieun staring at his back but soon enough Sieun lays back down and Suho drifts off.
When Sieun had invited him to the library, he was curious about what made him invite him. Now that they're here and he's carrying four different books about nature for Sieun, he's starting to get an idea on why.
"I thought you wanted to spend time with your coolest friend, but actually all you wanted was someone to do the heavy lifting." Suho comments, watching as Sieun picks out another book and puts it on the stack building in Suho's arms.
"Think of it as training." Sieun says in a monotonous tone, not sparing a glance in his direction.
"Hilarious." Suho mumbles. "Are these books about flowers?" He asks, noticing the cover in Sieun's hand.
"Yeah, I'm hoping if I know more about them that she'll give me the job." Sieun says.
Sieun's cute. He's an over thinker and researches everything he could possibly think of. It's adorable.
He breathes out heavily after Sieun adds yet another book, clenching his jaw from all the weight he's carrying.
Suho is a dependable guy.
He's the kind of guy to carry old ladies grocery bags and that helps his friends move heavy furniture.
Or at least he was.
Ever since waking up, Suho has been very diligent with attending his physical therapy sessions and he's already very advanced, doing much better than everyone imagine. But he's still not back to what he used to be.
He needs help opening closed jars. He can't climb dozens of flights of stairs without feeling like his legs are going to give up on him. Sometimes if he laughs for too long, it feels like someone's stepping on his lungs.
And now six books feel like they weigh a ton.
He hates every second of his recovery. Knowing that he's not as strong as he used to be. It eats him away. He likes to be needed, he needs to be needed. He doesn't know who he is without it.
Which is why he doesn't tell Sieun that he currently feels like his arms are being crushed. Sieun has no idea about any of this. It's the last thing he needs to worry about, so Suho will keep pretending that everything's okay.
"We should check out the other bookshelves." Sieun says, finally looking at him. He looks as happy as Yeon Sieun is capable of looking. "You know, just incase we find something good." His eyes shine so bright that Suho doesn't have the heart to ask for a break, so he nods.
Everything after that happens quickly.
Life can be funny like that.
Being beaten into a coma felt like it happened in slow motion while embarrassing himself feels like it happens too fast.
One minute they're walking away from the bookshelf, Sieun leading the way, and the next, everything comes tumbling down. Literally. Suho's left arm suddenly fails him, all the books making a loud thud sound as they come crashing down.
Sieun turns around quickly, clearly startled. The duo stare at the pile of books on the library floor, neither one knowing how to react. Suho can feel all the pairs of eyes on them, it makes him queasy.
"Suho." Sieun whispers, reaching out for him.
Suho ignores the loud crack his joints let out as he kneels down to pick up everything he's dropped. Sieun quickly meets him on the floor, their hands brushing against the other and Suho immediately pulls away, choosing to sit on the floor instead.
He can feel Sieun staring at him before sitting next to him, abandoning the books for now.
After what feels like forever, Sieun finally breaks the silence.
"Are you okay?"
"I'm fine." Suho answers, shaking his wrist. It stings a little.
"You should've told me you needed help." Sieun sighs, and although Suho knows he means well, his words only remind him how ridiculous this is.
Ahn Suho can't carry six books without needing help. How sad.
"Who would've thought?" Suho jokes, choosing to look up at the ceiling instead of the eyes boring into him.
"Does it hurt?" Sieun asks, reaching out for his wrist.
Suho quickly pulls away and for a split second Sieun looks hurt.
"It's fine." He answers. He sighs deeply before turning back to the pile of books spread on the floor. "Did you get everything you wanted?"
He can feel Sieun still staring at him but he can't look at him. He's not sure he'd be able to hold it together if he did.
"Yeah. We should go home." Sieun answers. Suho ignores the fluttering in his stomach from hearing the 'we'.
"Do you have no classes today?" He asks. Sieun quickly shakes his head, a very small soft smile on his face. The kind of smile that if you blink, you miss it.
"Class got cancelled. Professor's got the flu or something." Sieun says, and Suho knows he's lying, he can tell from the way Sieun is holding the hem of his own shirt and twisting it around, but he chooses to believe him.
"We should get some coffee." Suho suggests.
Sieun helps Suho up and insists on carrying half the books, he's too tired to fight him on it so he agrees. On their way to the café, Sieun rambles about the reasons he got each book and he asks all the right questions that'll keep him talking.
He enjoys listening to him ramble about his interests. Sieun's the kind of person who whenever he's excited starts talking faster than normal and Suho loves every second of it. His eyes sparkle more than usual and he starts talking with his hands.
He's still listening as he glances over Sieun's face, taking in all the differences.
Sieun's hair is longer, every once in a while getting in his eyes. His cheeks are fuller and he doesn't look like he's carrying the whole weight of the world on his shoulders anymore. He's become softer. Cuter, one could say.
He can't believe he missed out on two years of looking at Yeon Sieun. He secretly vows to never stay away from Sieun for too long ever again.
They quickly grab their coffees, Suho insists on paying because he's a gentleman, and choose to go back to Sieun's place. Despite Sieun's ongoing monologue, Suho can tell that he's worried, glancing at his arm every few seconds. It's sweet.
Sieun goes on and on about different flowers and all the kinds of bouquets someone can make and Suho assures him he'll do great at the interview. He points out that no other nineteen year old knows this much about flowers. They walk aimlessly for hours only choosing to go back home when the sun goes down and the air gets colder.
Like routine, when they get home Sieun heads straight for the shower and Suho goes to grab his mattress. The two boys move around each other perfectly, having done this countless times. Suho quickly calls his Halmeoni, letting her know where he's staying while his eyes follow Sieun around his room, watching the boy put away all of his new books.
He bids her goodbye and is surprised when he looks up to find Sieun staring at him.
"Suho-yah."
Suho's heart skips a beat.
"Yeah?"
"I had fun today." Sieun suddenly confesses. Suho can't help but notice how small he's making himself seem, like he's nervous that this might be awkward.
"I did too, Sieunnie." Suho confesses, a soft smile on his face.
He watches as Sieun lightly nods once before turning off the lights and rushing back to his bed. The sight makes him giggle.
The two lay in silence but Suho can tell he's still awake. Sometimes it's like he can hear Sieun's brain working overtime.
"I'm sorry you got hurt." He finally whispers.
Suho isn't sure if Sieun means today or before.
He takes a chance on today.
"It's okay. It's not the first time its happened." Suho confesses into the dark room. He can hear Sieun take a deep breath. He knows Sieun is going to sit up and turn on the lamp next to his bed. Sieun's the kind of person who needs to look into people's eyes as they talk, it's like he reads their souls.
As expected, Sieun sits up and turns on the bright lamp.
"How often does it happen?" He asks.
Suho still hasn't looked at him. Sieun already knows he's weak, he can't cry in front of him too.
"Like once a week? My therapist is saying I'm getting better though. Apparently I move quicker than most of her patients." He jokes.
She told him that last week. He's sure it was supposed to make him feel better, but most of her patients are in their eighties so he still felt like shit.
"That's good, isn't it? That you're recovering quickly." Sieun says, his voice bright from what he mulls as good news. "I once read that it can take up to six months just to be able to talk again. You're clearly doing a great job at that." He teases.
Suho can't even laugh at Sieun's joke, his mind still stuck on the 'I once read'.
Yeon Sieun, the wonderful human being that he is, read about it. He looked into his injury to make sure everything was going as it should be going. Suho wonders what else he researched while he was gone.
"You read about it?" Suho asks, suddenly shy. Sieun's ears go bright red.
"Well, yeah. You were acting all different when you woke up, I wanted to make sure it was just normal Ahn Suho weird and not dangerous." Sieun admits.
Suho feels those flutters in his stomach again.
"And your diagnosis, Dr. Yeon?" He teases.
"Just plain old Ahn Suho weird." Sieun says softly.
His eyes roam around the room, clearly too embarrassed to look him in the eyes. His hair is still damp from his shower and he's fidgeting with his hands. He's sitting criss cross on his bed and the light shining on his face makes him look sixteen again.
He looks like the Sieun he fell in love with all those years ago.
"You're staring." Sieun comments when he looks back at him.
How has he never noticed?
He's in love with Yeon Sieun. Of course he is.
He loves every single part of the boy sitting in front of him. Loving him is woven into his fibre, it's part of Suho's very being.
He loves the way his hair flows to the side whenever he moves. The way he constantly fights off a smile whenever Suho says something stupid. He loves the small pout he does when he's studying and doesn't understand what he's reading. Or the way he scrunches his nose when he's trying to sleep.
He loves the way no one in this world makes him feel as special as Sieun does. No one takes care of him like he does, no one loves him the way he does. Because of course Sieun loves him too. He probably already knows it too.
"Suho."
"You love me?" Suho says softly.
Sieun freezes in front of him.
He didn't mean for it to come out like that, but he won't take it back.
Sieun grabs the hem of his shirt, twisting it in his hands and laughing softly.
"Suho, you're my best friend, of course I love you." Sieun says.
Both of them know that's not what Suho meant though.
"No. You're in love with me." Suho clarifies.
Sieun freezes once more, his eyes pouring into Suho's with such clarity. There's no way to deny it and Suho knows he's not going to attempt it either.
In the silence of the room, Suho finally realises it.
Everything has changed, but everything also remains the same.
The Sieun that Suho believed he didn't know is still the same Sieun from 2 years ago.
His Sieun.
He just has a few more details that Suho now has the chance to get to know, more things to love him for.
"Suho-yah, I-"
"Since I woke up, I thought that I didn't know you anymore." Suho cuts him off. Sieun's brows furrow immediately.
"What? What are y-"
"Please, Sieunnie. Please let me say this." Suho pleads. Sieun nods so he takes a deep breath. "I thought I didn't know who you were anymore. Everything was so new and different. Neither of us is the same person we were before my accident and I was scared that one day you were going to wake up, realise that and leave me behind."
Sieun has the saddest frown on his face as he reaches out for Suho, gesturing for him to sit on his bed. Suho immediately follows, allowing himself to be pulled up. As he feels his hand being taken into Sieun's grasp, he looks away and his heart tightens.
He hears Sieun take a deep breath besides him, his grip tightening.
"When you were asleep, I visited you every single day." Sieun begins. Suho can feel him trembling so he begins stroking his thumb across his hand. "It never got any easier. Walking in there, seeing you connected to so many tubes, seeing you need help to breathe. It never once crossed my mind not to go though. To leave you behind."
It's the first time he's hearing of any of this.
He knew vaguely that Sieun would visit him from the nurses, but he wasn't aware of how often he'd be there. Hearing him talk about it feels like a new chapter for both of them. He can tell it's tough for Sieun to talk about it, but knowing this small new detail about the accident brings him a new sense of peace.
"How did you do it?" Suho asks. The bitter taste of salt on his tongue surprises him. When did he start crying?
"I didn't go in your room for a really long time." Sieun admits. "One day though, I was visiting and a nurse walked out and for one quick second I heard your heartbeat. It wasn't enough though, I needed more. I needed to hear more of you. So I walked in, sat down in front of the monitor and I stared at it for hours. It was the only thing that kept me going."
Suho finally turns to him and notices the tears running down Sieun's face.
He looks like a sad wet cat.
He moves, taking Sieun's face into his hands and wiping away his tears. His big doe eyes pour so much love into Suho's that it's an overwhelming feeling. Suho has no idea how to process being loved this deeply by another person.
"Suho, I love you." Sieun says, his eyes never pulling away from Suho's. "And I know you love me too." Sieun adds, his lips softly pull at the corner, his head tilting in a way that only makes him look softer.
"You know?" Suho asks.
"Of course I know, I know you." Sieun says and his words mean everything to Suho.
They know each other.
They know the sixteen year old versions of each other and they know each other now. They're going to get to learn more about each other for the rest of their lives and Suho feels like the luckiest person in the world to get to see Yeon Sieun grow old.
"I love you a lot, Yeon Sieun." Suho says, feeling the need to say it out loud.
Sieun's lips taste like strawberry chapstick and tears.
Suho's hands are on the back of his head, fingers in his hair as he kisses him. It's soft and slow, they know don't need to rush, they have the rest of their lives to do this. Their breaths mingle and he can feel Sieun relax into him.
It's the best feeling in the world.
When he pulls away, he's met with the sight of Sieun's flushed cheeks and wet lips. His eyes are still glossy from the tears, but he's never looked so peaceful and dreamy. Suho doesn't want to ever look away from him.
"Is this bad timing to tell you that you look pretty when you cry?" Suho asks.
Sieun huffs out a soft laugh, throwing his arms around Suho's neck and pulling them down to cuddle. He shifts until he's laying comfortably on top of Suho, his face lodged into his neck. Suho pulls him in closer, his arms wrapping around Sieun's waist.
He can't believe he finally gets to enjoy this.
"You're an idiot, Ahn Suho." Sieun jokes, Suho can feel his lips move against his neck.
"I'm your idiot." He says.
Sieun simply hums and soon enough Suho feels his body relax against his, having fallen asleep.
Suho vows to himself to never let him go.