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"What in Mahal's name got up your backside? Not like Bilbo's here to do it."
Dwalin had never been one for subtle wit, to him the bawdier the joke the better. He was not some wordsmith like Ori or Bilbo, or graced with an intelligent drollness like Balin. However, he did flatter himself that he could raise an occasional laugh from even the most stoic creature.
This day, his gift seemed to be failing him…
Thorin glowered.
"It's dying."
"What is? Your sense of humour?"
"The plant, Dwalin! Bilbo entrusted me to take care of it whilst he visited Mirkwood and the blasted thing is dying!"
Thorin jabbed an accusing finger to the beautifully wrought terrarium that was an ever present feature in the sunniest corner of his and Bilbo's shared room.
There, ensconced within clear glass (artfully shaped like an acorn and decorated with green glass oak leaves of all things) was Bilbo's prized, and unfortunately, currently rather pitiful looking tomato plant.
"Ah, well… it does look a mite unhealthy, aye."
That was something of an understatement. The poor thing was drooping, the leaves beginning to curl, and the few sorry tomatoes hanging heavy on their stems were clearly inedible.
No wonder Thorin looked like a thundercloud given living form. Bilbo loved that plant.
Balin had sent Dwalin to find their king in hopes of fathoming what precisely had put him in such a foul mood this day. Dwalin had of course agreed and so sought out his oldest friend to either offer counsel or smack some sense into him, whichever option seemed most adequate.
A new option presented itself in the form of hastily smothered laughter.
Thorin scowled.
Really though, of all the things the mighty Thorin son of Thrain could be fretting over, and it was the wellbeing of that bloody plant!
Surely, Bilbo had told him…
If not then perhaps he should...?
No, this would be too much fun to witness.
"You er… you been doin' what the hobbit said to do? Feedin' it and whatever?"
"Yes."
"Waterin'?"
"Yes."
"Talkin' to it all friendly like?"
"Ye- wait, what?"
Dwalin grinned, wide and wolfish.
"You know, the way Bilbo always seems to be chattering to the damn thing like it might answer him back. I asked him about it once; he said it helps them grow."
"I had noticed he liked to speak to the things he grew but-"
"Oh, aye, got to talk to 'em." Dwalin folded his arms and nodded sagely as if he were the paragon of knowledge on all things green and growing. "If you haven't been doing that then it's no wonder the poor thing is wiltin'."
"I see…"
"Got to give 'em company too don't you know. Can't just leave it here on its lonesome, it'll feel neglected."
"Anymore gems of wisdom you have for me? Perhaps I should change your title to Chief Gardener instead of Captain of the Guard," Thorin grumbled.
Dwalin could plainly see that Thorin was irked over how he seemed to know more of this matter, which was of such import to Bilbo, and so let the jibe wash over him with a lazy shrug of his shoulders.
Besides, this was going to prove a lot of fun.
"Hm, not particularly. Have to say I've more experience in this area than you though. You remember when you and Bilbo went off to Dale a few weeks back? Our burglar put me in charge of the little sprouts' wellbeing then… I could look after it until he gets back instead if you'd like."
"Prince Consort," Thorin corrected automatically. "He is not a burglar any longer as well you know… and no. Bilbo asked me to take care of his plant, and take care of it I shall."
Another dwarf may have taken pity on the king then, so forlorn did he look when gazing at the wilting tomato plant, but Dwalin was not another dwarf and so continued to tease.
"He's still not done with his thievery." Dwalin waved a dismissive hand and grinned all the wider looking almost predatory. "He's stealing away the last of your pride quite successfully and wrapping you round his little finger."
Thorin pointedly ignored the remark. "How is it that you have had success where I have not?"
And therein lay the crux of the matter: Their mighty king, the hero in exile who had reclaimed Erebor and ousted a dragon (with a little help of course), was sulking because it seemed as if Dwalin had succeeded and he had failed.
Thorin would hate to fail his husband.
"Ach, don't take it to heart. Takin' care of vegetables isn't as easy as Bilbo makes it look."
"Fruits."
"What?"
"Tomatoes are fruits, Bilbo told me as much."
"Don't be daft! They're savoury things, sour; you eat 'em with savoury things that's a vegetable!"
"No, no, Bilbo was quite insistent." Thorin smiled at last, warm and fond (and Dwalin rolled his eyes at the sight, hopeless, both Thorin and Bilbo were). "Fruits are developed in the base of the flower, and contain the seeds of the plant... are you certain I should be taking note of your advice if you don't even know this?"
"Fine, don't listen to me then. Good luck dealing with Bilbo when he returns to find his wee darling dead." Dwalin turned as if to leave and was more than a little amused when Thorin's panicked voice halted his steps.
"No, wait! I will take your advice. What else did you do in order to take care of the tomato plant when we were away last?"
It was a good thing Dwalin had his back to his king, for his grin would have surely given him away then.
"Just what I told ye. Water, food, company, warm sunlight, chatter… oh and singing works well too."
"Singing!?"
Dwalin had to admit, Thorin was nothing if not determined. Truly, he cared for Bilbo and would do anything in his power to make sure his beloved was happy... even up to and including making an utter arse of himself.
Dwalin almost felt sorry for him… almost.
The King Under the Mountain was sat upon his throne holding court. Surely a sight to behold for those new to the kingdom or merely visiting.
Mighty impressive and intimidating their king looked in full regalia…
Well… he usually did anyway, when he wasn't accompanied by a terrarium at his side.
Thorin had actually brought the bloody terrarium (and its sorry looking tomato plant) to the throne room.
It was bad enough that he had requested the terrarium be placed on its own pedestal.
What really made it difficult for Dwalin to keep from outright snickering though was the fact that every so often Thorin would steal concerned glances to the plant whenever voices would rise too high. Worse was how he would pause in what he was saying to reach down beside him for a miniature watering can and actually tend to the plant as they discussed mining or trade negotiations.
Dwalin was certain his tongue would be chewed to ribbons if he bit it any harder to prevent the laughter from escaping him.
It was worth it though.
Balin had long since given up any pretence of composure and actually had his face buried in his hands, quietly repeating 'why' and 'Thorin, no' at regular intervals whilst also bemoaning the 'fools of Durin'.
Dwalin merely consolingly patted his brother on the shoulder whilst red faced from holding in his mirth and chose not to remind Balin that they too were of Durin's line. It was clearly a fact Balin wished to forget at present.
Dwalin was certain his vindictive glee could only be contained for so long.
In the days leading up to Bilbo's return, Thorin's desperation became more marked.
He carried the terrarium carefully about the hallways nearly constantly. He spoke quietly to the still wilting plant about the goings on in the mountain. Fed and watered it diligently.
Best of all…
"Dwalin… is- is Thorin singing to that plant?"
Fíli had a look of abject horror on his face as yes, it was true, that was his uncle walking passed them cradling the terrarium and crooning a quiet song to the plant within.
The plant's response was to lose a withered leaf… rather rude of it really; Thorin's singing voice was actually quite good.
Dwalin was fairly certain he'd broken a rib trying to keep the keening laughter locked back behind his teeth.
"I have to write to the Shire immediately!"
For the first time since he'd found Thorin scowling over the dying tomato plant, Dwalin considered that perhaps this had gone on long enough; Thorin was looking rather wild-eyed and sleep deprived as he stormed the Company's common room that afternoon.
"Thorin, whatever is the matter?" Dori looked up from his tea in alarm and glanced in concern to his brothers.
Ori shrugged, Nori mouthed 'the plant probably' and went back to his game of Hnefatafl with Bofur who was looking at Thorin in an odd mixture of worry and amusement and so failed to notice when Nori switched a few pieces in his favour.
"Whatever I do is not working. I have tried everything and still the plant fades! Bilbo will be home soon and I dread to think of how upset he will be when he realises I've killed it."
Dwalin winced in sympathy and opened his mouth to speak when Kíli piped up.
"The Shire is too far to send a letter in time now, Uncle. I could always write to Tauriel if you like, she might know something about plants."
The younger prince yawned sleepily from his place sprawled out on the couch and waved absently with his book to where Óin was seated oblivious to the goings on around him in the far corner, poring over some medical manual or other.
"Or ask Óin, he deals with herbs and stuff, maybe he could help."
"I cannot risk writing to Mirkwood lest Bilbo somehow discover what has happened-"
"-And Óin usually procures his herbs from elsewhere, I don't think he usually grows them himself," Fíli supplied. "You could try writing to Beorn perhaps. He had a splendid garden, and he dwells closer to us than the Shire, your letter might reach him and return with advice before Bilbo gets back."
Thorin considered the suggestion, then nodded once, determined once more, and strode out as quickly as he had come in order to write to the skin-changer.
The news from Beorn was ill.
Root rot, he had described the poor tomato plants' ailment as, and at this stage there was nothing to be done.
He had very kindly sent some tomato seeds back with Roäc though, along with hearty well wishes to all the dwarves and 'Little Bunny'.
'I doubt he will be too upset Master Oakenshield,' the letter proclaimed. 'You merely killed it with kindness; root rot takes hold after one is too generous with watering.'
It was a small consolation perhaps, but Thorin still felt rather foolish and guilty all the same.
Bilbo returned the next day and was surprised to see Thorin looking so crestfallen when he met him at the gates.
Had something bad happened whilst he had been away? Surely, they would have sent for him if it were important.
"Thorin, is something wrong?" Bilbo's concerned frown only made Thorin feel all the worse as he walked arm in arm with him to their rooms in silence.
"I am afraid I did something rather foolish whilst you were gone, ghivashel," Thorin mumbled and looked for all the world like the mountain may crumble down around his ears as he opened their chambers' door and nodded sullenly to the terrarium sat as always in the corner. "I'm afraid- It transpires that I may have watered your plant rather overzealously… Beorn tells me it has- had root rot."
"Beorn?- When did Beorn- oh never mind… Thorin please don't look so sorrowful, honestly you really are a dramatic sort."
The unease that had been building in Bilbo's heart since he returned and saw Thorin looking so despondent eased as he realised the cause for it.
His husband, his kind hearted and stubborn husband had misunderstood him and had obviously tried valiantly to do the impossible.
Bilbo smiled and shook his head in exasperation before cupping Thorin's cheek to make the dwarf look at him.
"Thorin I thought you realised when I left that I was joking about you looking after my tomato plant."
"I honestly tried but it was no good I- what?"
"That plant has been dying for weeks now. I was just too stubborn to get rid of it. I kept hoping it might perk up again but realised just before I left that it was a lost cause. I intended to get rid of it when I returned and thought you could see how sickly it looked! That is why I jested over you taking care of it."
"You- I-"
"Oh, I am sorry, dear heart." Bilbo's lips quirked but he refused to give into laughter. Poor Thorin must have run himself ragged trying to revive his tomato plant. "I shouldn't have joked when you couldn't have recognised the signs of a dying plant. Your kind aren't gardeners-" here he glowered and his tone turned rather waspish- "I should have realised that after Dwalin killed it in the first place."
"… What?"
Bilbo had not expected Thorin to sound quite so angry, and so glanced up beseeching and apologetic, only to realise that whatever anger he held, it was not directed at him and so continued.
"When we were in Dale I asked Dwalin to keep an eye on the plant, just make sure it was fed and watered. The daft idiot decided to 'get it all over with in one go' and so flooded the poor thing in water thinking it would keep it happy until we returned. That way he wouldn't have to check the plant every day."
"Dwalin killed it?"
"Yes," Bilbo drew the word out and eyed Thorin quizzically. "Never fear, I gave him a very thorough dressing down when we got back, I'm surprised you didn't hear of it to be honest… oh but you were terribly busy dealing with that representative from Gondor that day so-"
"Dwalin knew!?"
"Of course! Oh, I say, why did he not mention it when he saw you fussing- oh- oh no he didn't, he wouldn't have-!"
"He would and he did," Thorin bit out, and Bilbo was rather concerned by the way he clenched his jaw and how his eye twitched.
Somewhere in the mountain, Dwalin son of Fundin had a very strong, sudden, and inexplicable urge to run to Mirkwood, join the elves, and never return.
"I fed it, watered it, kept it with me so I could tend to it and talk to it, I sang to it-"
"You… you sang to the plant?" Oh dear, he really shouldn't laugh. Bilbo bit the inside of his cheek desperately.
"I had it with me whilst I held court so that-"
"Oh- oh no surely not-!" It was no good. Giggles were escaping the hobbit in funny little snatches, a hand clamped to his mouth to try to hold them back as his eyes watered.
Thorin puffed up, indignant, brow furrowing into a tremendous frown- only to soften as Bilbo flung his arms around him and gave in to the great peals of laughter that shook his body, Thorin was always too weak to resist seeing his husband happy and laughing, even if it was at his expense.
"I even read it a story." Thorin's own lips twitched at the ridiculousness of it all and he felt the anger seep out of him as he nuzzled Bilbo's curls.
"You- oh goodness. Thorin that is the daftest- sweetest thing!"
More laughter was the reply Thorin received and he found that he did not mind so much.
Bilbo finally gained control of himself and leaned back to grin up at his husband, wiping away tears of mirth before leaning up to kiss a bearded cheek.
"I really am sorry that you put yourself through all that, but I'm so grateful too… dare I ask what on Earth Beorn has to do with all of this?"
Thorin sighed and resigned himself to what would probably be more laughter when Bilbo learnt of the extent Thorin had gone to try and save his plant and began to explain.
There was indeed more laughter, but Bilbo was also incredibly grateful for the seeds. And Thorin found the laughter was easy to bear when Bilbo smiled so deviously and suggested they plan revenge on a certain Captain of the Guard together.