Chapter Text
The End
Bella stared into the trees in stunned disbelief, heart sinking and a ball of emotions choking her. Her throat closed up the moment Edward said he was leaving without her and she couldn’t force any words out. She wondered (doubted) somewhere in the back of her mind whether or not her words would have even changed anything. If his emotional distance since the night of her party was any indication, Edward had made up his mind long before he asked her to take a walk with him.
And while Bella hadn’t been able to get any words out, Edward certainly seemed to have plenty of words for her, and as she stood there, they echoed in her mind, a harshly clanging symphony that confirmed all of her deepest, unspoken fears.
My world is not for you.
Bella, I don’t want you to come with me.
I’m tired of pretending.
I’ve let this go on much too long, and I’m sorry for that.
You’re not good for me, Bella.
I promise that this will be the last time you’ll see me. I won’t come back. I won’t put you through anything like this again. You can go on with your life without any more interference from me. It will be as if I’d never existed.
Don’t worry. You’re human. Your memory is no more than a sieve. Time heals all wounds for your kind.
Alice wanted to say goodbye, but I convinced her that a clean break would be better for you.
Goodbye, Bella.
And that was that. Her first love, her fairytale romance, dissolved right before her eyes and blew away on the light breeze Edward left in his wake as he disappeared from view.
Bella wasn’t sure how long she stood there, staring blankly at the trees around her, but the sound of a twig snapping had her blinking back to full awareness. She spun around, her heart lodged in her throat, thinking (hoping) maybe Edward had changed his mind and come back for her.
But no.
Where she was hoping to see Edward, she found his brother instead.
“Oh. Jasper. Hi.” Bella was so caught up in her own thoughts that she didn’t see the remorse on his face or the apology in his eyes. Her mind made what she thought was a logical jump and her shoulders slumped a little as she fidgeted nervously. “Did you come back to…” she trailed off and vaguely gestured at her neck. “You know…”
Jasper’s eyes widened momentarily and he barked a sharp, surprised laugh before shaking his head. “No, Bella. I came to apologize.”
Bella’s nose scrunched up, her brow furrowed in confusion. “For what?”
As if he thought the answer was obvious, Jasper just looked at her steadily for a few long moments. If Bella wasn’t preoccupied by the pain of experiencing her very first broken heart, it might have unnerved her a little.
“For… ruining your party. I know you didn’t actually want a party in the first place, but it was still rude that I caused such a… disruption.”
“Disruption,” Bella repeated a little blankly. Then she snorted a laugh despite her mood. “I guess that’s one way to put it. But thank you, Jasper. It’s not necessary but apology accepted,” she said more gently. “It wasn’t your fault and I asked Alice to tell you I wasn’t upset. You’re a…” she trailed off again and lowered her voice to a whisper. “A vampire. And I’m a human who was bleeding practically in your face. No one was hurt, which is all that matters.”
Jasper’s eyes briefly darted to her jacket sleeve, under which were a few stitches. Alice had managed to use her speed to get between Bella and the wall when Edward pushed her, so the damage was less severe than it could have been, but some glass broke in the chaos and, as was fairly typical for Bella’s luck, a shard found her forearm and left a small gash that Carlisle had stitched up. It was, however, a very minor injury that probably didn’t even need stitches, so Bella cut Jasper off when he opened his mouth to argue the point.
“No one was seriously hurt,” she firmly corrected herself. “Although maybe I should apologize too. I’m sorry if my blood made you uncomfortable,” she added after a moment, touching her throat. “Edward explained enough that I know you were probably in pain.”
Something briefly flashed in Jasper’s eyes, something soft, but it was there and gone before Bella could do more than just register it.
“I appreciate the consideration. Apology accepted,” he said with a smile. “So what are you doing out here anyway? I thought humans got chilled in weather like this.”
His words made Bella realize that the tips of her fingers were tingling from the cold. No doubt her nose was bright red too. She glanced at the sky that was visible through the trees and realized the sun was long gone. It wasn’t quite dusk yet but dark clouds had gathered, indicating an approaching storm.
“Wait. What are you doing here?” Bella asked instead of answering his question, looking at him in confusion. “I thought you guys were gone already,” she said, doing her best to ignore the stab of pain those words caused her.
Jasper sighed quietly and muttered something under his breath that Bella couldn’t make out before answering her. “I assure you, Edward doesn’t speak for the family as a whole, no matter how much he wishes he did. He may have thought leaving was the right thing to do but no one else agreed with him. And some members of the family were quite… vehement about letting their objections be known,” he said with what Bella thought was a small smirk. “There might have been some subterfuge involved, but we haven’t actually left. Or at least not permanently. The others will be back soon.”
Bella didn’t really have any idea what those words meant but now that the cold had registered, her teeth were chattering and all she wanted to do was get inside. She didn’t have anywhere close to the mental capacity to attempt to parse his words to try and interpret their meaning. Bella had long come to terms with the fact that vampire brains always trumped human brains. And by a shockingly wide margin too.
The main takeaway was that, regardless of how Edward had made it sound, the Cullens hadn’t actually left her behind without a goodbye. Right now, that was all she needed to know.
“Um, I’m gonna…” Bella trailed off and gestured at her house through the trees. Then she wrung her fingers together nervously for a moment before she huffed out a breath. “Will I see you again or…”
Jasper nodded and smiled at her. “Yes, if you’d like to.”
She looked at him for a moment but she didn’t know him well enough to tell if he was being honest or not. And if he was, was he just saying it because he thought that’s what she wanted (needed) to hear?
“I’d like that,” Jasper added.
Bella internally winced. With his gift being what it was, he was no doubt very familiar with the ball of insecurity that was permanently lodged in her stomach. And with everything Edward had said before leaving, the voice in the back of her mind was pointedly telling her that she was right all along. She hadn’t been good enough for him.
“Do you have your phone on you?”
Bella blinked, grateful his question pulled her from her spiraling thoughts. “Um. No, it’s in my bag.”
“How about I walk you home then?”
Again, despite her mood, Bella managed to smile at him. “I don’t think there’s any risk of me getting lost, Jasper,” she said in amusement. She wasn’t in her yard but the house was very clearly visible from where they were standing.
“I’m not worried about your safety, Bella,” he said with a low chuckle, rolling his eyes a little. “I would like to leave you with my phone number.”
She blinked again. This time in surprise. “Oh.”
Jasper laughed and gently tugged on her coat sleeve and steered her towards her backyard. “I meant what I said. If you want to see me, or even just talk, all you have to do is call. I know I probably wouldn’t be your first choice for a vampire companion, but you can always call Emmett or Alice instead. Depending on how the subterfuge is going, they might not be able to answer immediately, but if not, they’ll call you back as soon as they can,” he reassured her. “No one wanted to leave for any length of time but it was necessary.”
“So they really are coming back?” Bella hated how small her voice sounded.
“Of course,” Jasper nodded, leading her to the front porch, where her backpack was resting by the door. “It’s only Rose and I here right now but I don’t anticipate the others being gone much longer.”
Bella was silent as she pulled her phone from her bag and handed it to him. “Why?” she eventually blurted out. “Why stay, or come back, I guess. Now that Edward’s gone…” she trailed off when a sharp stab of pain nearly took her breath away.
Jasper’s expression softened considerably and he gave her a gentle smile as he reached out and briefly touched the back of her hand. “You’re family, Bella. Have been for ages. And we don’t just abandon family.”
“But Edward’s your family,” she whispered.
“Edward’s an idiot,” Jasper said, waving his hand dismissively before handing her phone back to her after saving his number.
Bella wasn’t quite sure what to do with that statement. Jasper certainly seemed to believe it but Bella had always thought Edward was… well, perfect. ‘Idiot’ certainly wasn’t a word she’d ever associated with him.
After Jasper assured her again that she could call him anytime (“I don’t sleep, Bella. There’s no bad time to call.”), she thanked him and said a goodbye that was only slightly awkward before she stumbled her way into the house.
She dropped her bag by the door and then just stood there for a while and stared at the wall, her mind going blank in her desire to not think about the last hour of her life and what it meant for her future. Because the future she’d been planning had just gone up in flames and she didn’t quite know how she was going to move forward from here. The future that stretched before her now was just scorched earth. It looked blank and empty and shockingly lonely.
Bella shook her head firmly and walked into the kitchen, not prepared to think about that yet. Instead, she opened the refrigerator to see what they had in terms of dinner ingredients. Cooking was something she was good at and something she liked doing, and she thought mindlessly seeing to all the small details while preparing food was probably the closest she would ever come to being in a meditative state.
And it didn’t hurt that she always felt a little jolt of pride when her dad praised her food. Which he always did, every single time she made a meal for the two of them to share. Her self-esteem being what it was, Bella wasn’t a girl who felt pride in herself all that often, so she’d found that she liked preparing dinner for them. Unlike her mom, Charlie didn’t expect her to be solely in charge of feeding them, so he enthusiastically voiced his appreciation any time she was, which was a nice change for her.
With a single deep breath, Bella pushed aside her worries and fears and questions, and instead put all of her attention on making dinner. She could think about the rest later.
Unsurprisingly, the doubts started plaguing Bella the moment she turned out her light that night. Alone in the quiet of her room, with nothing to distract her, she couldn’t drown out that voice in the back of her mind that had been clamoring to be heard.
Did he ever love me?
Edward saying ‘I’ve let this go on too long’ and telling her he was tired of ‘pretending’ certainly pointed to the answer being no. Was he just bored? Was he just looking for something to break the tedium of a never-ending existence? Something to make this round of high school more interesting? Was Bella just the convenient human who had a quiet mind and who aimed heart-eyes at him and gave him something to occupy his time?
He’d said Bella wasn’t good for him. What did that mean? Her stupid internal voice helpfully supplied what she assumed was the obvious missing word in that sentence. She wasn’t good enough for him. But if that wasn’t what he meant, what did he mean? How was she not good for him? Did she not love him well enough? Did she not care about him enough? Was she too needy? Too demanding? Did she take up too much of his time?
Bella sighed and rolled over, pulling her duvet over her head, wishing it could muffle all of her doubts and insecurities.
She thought about her encounter with Jasper just to get her mind off Edward and their failed relationship. She’d been surprised to see him, and not only because Edward had told her the whole family had already left Forks.
He was the Cullen (Hale) who she knew least well. Both Hales, actually. With the exception of their trip to Phoenix, Jasper was polite and friendly from a distance, while his ‘twin’ was… civil at best. Bella could see that it was an effort for Rosalie to be nice to her, and she thought she probably only did that for Emmett’s sake. Bella loved Emmett like the big brother she never knew she wanted until she met him, and she thought Rosalie might tolerate her company without a vocal protest purely for Emmett’s sake. She knew Rosalie wasn’t as heartless or as cold as she sometimes appeared, and the way Edward implied she was. The way her eyes both softened and lit up every time she looked at her husband told Bella all she needed to know about the kind of love that lived in Rosalie’s heart.
Bella, never possessing what anyone could consider sufficient self-esteem, never really wondered why Rosalie didn’t seem to like her all that much. Bella found herself to be pretty boring and entirely unremarkable, so it never surprised her when other people felt the same.
Jasper was slightly softer towards Bella than Rosalie was, although again, that was from a distance. And the only reason she knew anything about him was because of Alice, who often talked about him. Edward had never wanted to tell her about that particular brother.
From Alice, Bella knew it had something to do with Jasper’s early years as a vampire, but she hadn’t shared any real details. All Bella knew about that time was that Jasper had spent his first eight or nine decades as a vampire on their traditional diet. Alice was more open about the years since the two of them met in 1948. She’d told Bella about sitting in a diner in Philadelphia, waiting for Jasper to walk in out of the rain. Knowing Alice had been alone for almost thirty years at that point, it was a story Bella asked her to tell more than once. She liked hearing about the moment her best friend finally met the first member of her future family.
Jasper had said earlier that he and Rosalie were the only ones in Forks at the moment, and because they were the members of the family she was least close to, Bella was curious about why they’d stayed behind when the rest of the Cullens apparently had to leave temporarily.
And what did Jasper mean by subterfuge? Who was it they were deceiving? Who were they hiding things from? Edward? Were they going behind his back by not abandoning Bella? Had he demanded they all leave her?
After more than a few uncomfortable moments of consideration, Bella thought that was probably the most likely answer. But what the hell was the point of that? Why demand the whole family leave Forks (and Bella) behind if, according to Jasper, they didn’t actually want to leave? Was Edward just determined to break her heart as thoroughly as possible? Not only end their relationship but also take the rest of the family away from her?
He hadn’t even let them say goodbye. Alice had apparently wanted to but he’d convinced her a ‘clean break’ was better for Bella.
Which, to be honest, was probably the stupidest thing she’d ever heard Edward say. How could it ever be better to not give her a chance to say goodbye to Alice, who she called her best friend but loved like a sister? It was exceedingly rare that Bella thought Edward was anything less than perfect, but that decision? Bella hadn’t agreed when Jasper called Edward an idiot, but… well, in that particular instance, she maybe saw his point.
As Bella listened to the storm raging outside her windows, all she was left with was question after question after question, and she wondered if she’d ever get the answers she was looking for. She was, however, smart enough to know that not a single question could be answered if she didn’t first put it into words and speak it out loud. And speaking out loud about her thoughts and fears wasn’t something she was particularly good at. She never had been.
The voice in the back of her mind had been trying all night to force one particular thought through, and as Bella thought about all of her questions, she couldn’t ignore it anymore.
If I’d spoken up, if I’d managed to find just the right words, would Edward have stayed?
Bella allowed herself a few minutes of silent tears, knowing that was one question she would never get answered. She couldn’t turn back time, she couldn’t change what had transpired in the woods, so she would never know how it might have gone differently if she’d been able to speak up.
Fearing what might happen, who else she might lose if she kept all those thoughts and fears and questions unspoken and unasked, Bella had one final thought before she finally drifted into a fitful sleep.
She desperately needed to learn how to use her words.