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Linus Baker didn’t know what was happening to him.
Oh, he knew on a surface level, of course. He was in the big house on Marsyas Island, kissing the man he loved. It was far from the first time – in fact, this was how they’d spent every evening in the week since his return to the island. Sitting together on the couch, talking about everything they could think of. Getting to know each other on a deeper level, now that the barrier of their professional relationship was removed.
And inevitably, at some point, the talking would give way to kissing. Nothing too involved, of course, because one of the children could wander downstairs at any moment. Just soft, gentle kisses, getting to know each other in this new, magical way.
But something was different tonight. They hadn’t even managed to sit down yet. Arthur had taken hold of him as soon as they came downstairs, and was kissing him with an urgency that hadn’t been there before. Their toes were touching, their upper bodies pressed together, and Arthur’s hand had gone to the back of Linus’s neck, pulling Linus firmly against him as he kissed him deeply.
And Linus, for some godforsaken reason, was scared to death. Arthur’s mouth was warm and soft on his, and Linus never wanted to stop kissing him. But at the same time, Linus’s heart was pounding, his breath caught in his chest, and he felt lightheaded, as if he were floating.
Arthur made a small sound into his mouth, a little hum of pleasure, and Linus broke out of the kiss abruptly. He buried his face in Arthur’s shoulder, breathing hard.
“My dear Linus,” Arthur said, taking his hand. “What is it?”
“I...” Linus tried to get his breath back. “I don’t know.”
“Is this too much? Would you like to stop?”
“No! Maybe? I’m not sure. I – I just –” He stopped.
“Just?” Arthur prompted gently.
“I just... I suddenly got a bit...” Linus had no idea how to describe how he felt, so he said the only word that seemed to make sense. “...scared.”
“Scared?” Arthur’s voice suddenly took on a kind of careful blankness. “Would you like to stop for tonight, then?”
Linus hesitated. Arthur was still holding his hand, and he didn’t want him to stop. He hadn’t really wanted the kissing to stop, either, but he didn’t understand why he had reacted the way he had.
“No,” he said at last, “but I don’t know what... Can we just sit here on the couch tonight? And talk? Like we usually do?”
“Of course,” said Arthur, that careful note still in his voice. “There’s no rush to do anything. We have all the time in the world.”
Linus sighed, relief and disappointment mingling. “Okay.”
In the guest house later that night, Linus lay in bed staring at the ceiling. Why had he panicked like that? What was wrong with him? He was forty years old, and it wasn’t like it was his first time doing this. Sure, it had been quite a long time, and he’d never kissed someone he liked this much, but that still didn’t explain why he had felt so terrified all of a sudden.
And it wasn’t like he hadn’t been enjoying it. Quite the contrary. Kissing Arthur Parnassus was a delight that he didn’t think he’d ever get used to, better than anything he could ever have dreamed of. He still couldn’t believe he got to do it whenever he wanted. Still couldn’t believe that this wonderful man he’d fallen in love with... somehow wanted to be with him too.
But it was true that something was different now from how it had been in the past. The last person he’d kissed like this was Sean, when he was twenty-seven. Sean had been his only serious relationship before Arthur, the first person he’d thought he could come to love. But Sean had broken it off after a little less than a year, telling Linus that he needed more than Linus could give him. Linus read between the lines: Sean wanted a more passionate relationship, and he was tired of Linus’s careful, slow progress toward intimacy.
That was when Linus had decided that he just wasn’t cut out for dating. Most people weren’t interested in dating him in the first place, and who could blame them, given how he looked? And even when he’d found someone he thought could love, it wasn’t enough. He didn’t want to jump into bed right away, didn’t feel the pull that others seemed to feel. He was neither attractive enough nor attracted enough to be loved.
Arthur was different, though. He’d been different right from the start. Linus had thought he knew how romantic feelings generally worked for him, but there was an intensity, a rawness to the way he felt about Arthur that he’d never experienced before. He’d felt it building ever since that night when Arthur had brought him the record player, the night he was sure Arthur had nearly kissed him. And when he’d come back to Marsyas, when suddenly they could touch each other without reservation, that feeling had escalated almost beyond his comprehension. When Arthur kissed him, especially the way he'd kissed him tonight, it sent a melting heat through Linus’s body, something that he hadn’t known he was capable of feeling.
He remembered the little sound Arthur had made while kissing him, and suddenly his heart was racing again, his entire body flooded with heat. Unsolicited thoughts popped into his head of what else might make Arthur sound like that. He tried to chase the thoughts away, but they persisted. Arthur’s warmth, the way he smelled, the low murmur of his voice in Linus’s ear... He felt like he was growing addicted to the sensory experience of Arthur.
What on earth is happening to me?
By the following week, Linus was spiraling. Things were different between him and Arthur since that night a week ago. There was still warmth and affection, but it felt more guarded than before. They had gone back to occasional, careful kisses with no heat to them – but Linus was slowly coming to the realization that he wanted that heat. He wanted more.
But it was too late. He recognized this behavior, this pulling away. It was the same way Sean had acted in the weeks before he’d ended their relationship. Arthur had gotten tired of him already, just like all the others. He was regretting inviting Linus to stay. He wouldn’t tell him that, of course, not after Linus had already given up his entire life to be here. He might stay with Linus out of obligation, but he wouldn't want to have the kind of relationship that Linus had hoped for. Because Linus wasn’t enough. Of course he wasn’t. How could he have ever thought he would be enough for someone like Arthur?
It must have been clear from his behavior that Linus was brooding, because when Arthur came into the living room that night after putting the children to bed, he settled beside Linus on the couch and gave him a serious look.
“What’s troubling you, my dear?”
Linus shook his head. “Oh, just... It’s been a long day.”
“You’ve been unusually quiet all week,” Arthur said with a hint of reproof. “I can see that something is wrong.”
Linus sighed. Of course Arthur could see right through him; he always did. And now he was sitting there waiting patiently for Linus to put words together. He’d just have to come out and say it.
He opened his mouth, closed it, opened it again. He couldn't look at Arthur.
“Do you want me to... go?” he whispered finally.
“Go?” Arthur frowned. “Go where?”
“Well... back to the city. To leave.”
Alarm flashed across Arthur’s face, but when he spoke, his voice was carefully controlled. “Is that what you want?”
“No!” Linus exclaimed. “No. I told you I wanted to stay for always, and I meant it. I just thought... I thought maybe that was what you wanted.”
“Why on earth would you think that?”
“Well,” Linus started, and cleared his throat. “We haven’t... I mean, lately, we haven’t done as much... well, you know.” He gestured vaguely. “Kissing. And so forth. And so I thought maybe...”
“Darling,” said Arthur, “I was only trying to respect your wishes. I didn’t want to scare you.”
Linus blinked. “Scare me?”
“That’s right. Because last week, you told me that you felt afraid.”
“Not of you!” cried Linus. “Arthur! Why would I be afraid of you?”
“You wouldn’t be the first,” said Arthur, with just a hint of a bitter twist to his smile.
“Of course I’m not afraid of you. I’ve never been afraid of you. Not even for a minute.”
“No?” said Arthur with a quirk of an eyebrow. “Not even... that night in the cellar?”
“No! That night I was afraid of my own... my own insecurities. My own doubts. Not of you.” Linus paused as something clicked into place in his head. “Wait. Wait a minute. Charles Werner was afraid of you, wasn’t he?”
“He was.” Arthur’s voice was even, but Linus could feel the tension in his body.
“And he thought that if he told me about you, then I would be afraid of you too?”
“I believe that was his reasoning, yes.”
“But... If he was afraid of you, then why would he want to be with you in the first place?”
“To be honest, I don’t think he did. Not really.” Arthur’s lips twisted again. “He told me he wanted me, but he would barely even touch me outside of the bedroom. He told me that I was lucky to have him, because no one else would ever want a monster like me.”
“That utter bastard,” said Linus furiously.
Arthur’s posture relaxed and he chuckled softly. “Quite.”
There was a pause, then Arthur continued. “But we haven’t yet gotten to the heart of the matter. What in the world has made you think that I don’t want you here?”
“Well, I...” Linus could feel his face growing warm. “It’s just... I think what happened the other night is that I just got... overwhelmed. It’s rather new to me. Doing this, I mean. With someone. And I was worried that you might want more than I could give you.”
“Ah, I see now,” said Arthur, taking his hand. “You’ve not had much experience before, then?”
Linus shook his head. “Just a few short flings, and one longer-term boyfriend. Nothing went farther than... than what we’ve done.” Why couldn’t he talk about this without blushing?
Arthur smiled. “I understand. In the interest of complete honesty, I should confess that I am not terribly experienced either. I, too, have only had a handful of partners. And not all of my experience has been positive, as you know.”
“It’s not just that, though,” Linus went on. “I’ve never wanted to do any of this before. Not with anyone.”
“And now you do?”
“Yes. Very much. Yes. Arthur. It’s just...” He looked down at their joined hands. “It’s all very new to me. Not just what we’re doing, but how it... how it feels.”
Arthur smiled. “Have you ever heard of demisexuality?”
Linus looked up at him, confused by this seeming change of subject. “No.”
“Just a moment.” Arthur got up and went to the bookshelf, pulling a book off the shelf. He flipped through it until he found the page he was looking for, then handed it to Linus.
“The asexual spectrum?” Linus said as he read, puzzled by what this could have to do with anything. But as he read further, his eyes grew bigger and bigger.
“Oh,” he said at last, reaching the end of the section. “Oh.”
“I gather that you’re finding something in there illuminating,” said Arthur with a smile.
“Oh,” Linus said again, then put the book down and buried his face in his hands. He stayed that way for a long time. Arthur put a gentle hand on his back, not speaking, just waiting.
Finally he raised his head. In a hoarse voice, he said, “I thought I was just broken.”
“It would seem not,” said Arthur quietly.
“So... I didn’t want this before because I’m... something like asexual? And now, because I’m with someone I love, I do want it?”
“If you feel drawn to the concept of demisexuality, then yes, that’s what that would mean.”
Linus took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
"I thought I was broken," he whispered again, almost to himself. Arthur’s hand moved in comforting circles on his back.
At last Arthur spoke. “Here is what I propose, then. I will let you will take the lead on what we do together. And we won’t do anything until you say it’s okay.”
“Are you sure?” asked Linus hesitantly. “You won’t be... disappointed?”
Arthur pressed a kiss to his temple. “My dear man, I don’t think anything I do with you could disappoint me.”
“But if we go too slowly...” Linus swallowed. “Won’t you get tired of it?” Of me?
“Oh, my darling. How could I ever get tired of you?” Arthur slid his arm around Linus’s shoulders, and Linus wondered how it was that he could hear the words Linus hadn’t said. He wasn’t sure he could accept what Arthur was saying, because how could someone not get tired of him? It wasn’t like he was anything special.
But then Arthur continued, “I love you, regardless of what we are or aren’t doing. If all I could ever do was hold you like this, I would still be the happiest man in the world.”
Linus closed his eyes. How was that possible? Could he really be enough for someone as extraordinary as Arthur? When he had never been enough for anyone else before?
He took a deep breath and opened his eyes again, meeting Arthur’s deep brown ones. “Truly?” he whispered.
“Truly,” said Arthur, and leaned over to kiss him. The kiss was soft and sweet and loving, and Linus let himself melt into it, trying to will himself to believe Arthur’s words.
When the kiss ended, he leaned his head on Arthur’s shoulder. Arthur’s arm went around him again, gently stroking his arm.
“Arthur?” he said into Arthur’s neck.
“Yes, Linus?”
“I love you too.”
Arthur’s answering smile was brighter than Linus had ever seen it, brighter than phoenix fire, brighter than the sun.
Linus thought that having agreed to go at his own pace, they would continue to move slowly and gradually. That was how he always done things before. He had agreed to things like kissing because it was expected of him, and he didn’t mind doing it, but not because he actively wanted to. But he found that having gone just a little further than basic kissing with Arthur seemed to have unlocked something in him. Of course he had always appreciated how Arthur looked: the long lines of his body, his elegant hands, his delicate features. But now he couldn’t stop imagining those hands on his own body, those lips on his skin, that body pressed against his. It was heady and overwhelming and completely novel to him, but undeniable: he wanted Arthur. He wanted Arthur more than anything.
Which is how he found himself in the guest house a week later (they’d moved their evenings together there for the sake of privacy), sliding his hands under Arthur’s shirt. Linus had discovered that if he decided what he was comfortable with in advance of each evening, it wasn’t that hard to go ahead and do it. Tonight I will let him kiss my neck. Tonight I will touch his back. Tonight I will take off his shirt. They were doing it. They were making it happen, and Linus was getting into a groove.
Arthur’s chest was bare now, and Linus ran his hands across it, admiring the smooth expanse of skin with a smattering of pale hair. Arthur made a soft sound of appreciation at Linus’s touch, and it went through Linus like an electric shock.
Then Arthur’s hand slid under Linus’s shirt, and Linus froze. “Wait.”
Arthur stopped immediately. “What is it?”
“Are you... are you sure you want to do that?” Linus stammered. “I’m very, well.” He cleared his throat. “You know. Round. It’s not exactly attractive.”
“On the contrary, my dear man,” said Arthur, “I find it very attractive.”
Linus blinked. “You do?”
“Oh, yes. You are wonderfully round. Soft. Perfect for cuddling. Of course if you don’t want me to touch your belly, I will respect your wishes. But rest assured that you have nothing to fear on my account.”
Linus looked away. “It’s not that... I just... no one has ever... wanted this before. With me.”
“But I do,” said Arthur softly, taking his hands. “I do want this. I want you.”
Linus swallowed. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“You can... touch me.”
“Are you sure?”
Linus nodded.
And Arthur’s hands slid to his belly, gently mapping its curves with his fingers. Linus closed his eyes and tried to relax. His heart was pounding with anxiety, but he couldn’t deny how wonderful Arthur’s hands felt on his bare skin.
He wanted more, wanted to feel Arthur’s skin against his. He reached down to the hem of his shirt, tugging it up and over his head. When he looked up, Arthur was looking down at his bare chest with something like reverence in his eyes. No one had ever looked at Linus like that before.
Arthur reached out slowly to touch him, running his hands over every inch of Linus’s skin.
“Darling,” he said gently. “You’re beautiful. I suspect that you haven't been told that enough before. But you are.”
Linus’s eyes stung. “Thank you,” he whispered.
A few weeks later, Linus woke up feeling very warm - much warmer than usual. We’ll have to get a lighter blanket if we keep doing this, he thought drowsily.
He opened his eyes, blinking against the sunlight, and drank in the sight of Arthur sleeping next to him. His hair was even messier than usual, his face even younger-looking in sleep. Linus didn’t think he could ever get enough of looking at him.
Then Arthur’s eyes opened, and Linus caught his breath at the warm light reflected there. That wonderful smile spread across Arthur's face, and Linus had never seen anything so beautiful.
“Good morning, my love,” Arthur murmured.
“Good morning, indeed.” Linus smiled back, and leaned over to kiss him.
It had been Zoe’s idea for the children to have a sleepover at her house. At first Linus was mortified by the very suggestion.
“Does she think we’re going to...?” he had hissed to Arthur as soon as Zoe left.
Arthur had chuckled. “My dear, I don’t think she has any interest in speculating on what we do or don’t do together. I think she just realizes how little time we get to spend with just the two of us, and is trying to give us that time. It’s very kind of her.”
“I... suppose it is.”
“And this time is for us. We can do whatever we want with it.”
So they had had a quiet dinner together, just the two of them, a welcome change from their usual boisterous meals. Since it was the beginning of December, they took the opportunity without small ears around to discuss and plan the children’s Christmas presents. They kissed in the kitchen since no one could see them. They cuddled on the couch and kissed some more.
And when bedtime had arrived, Arthur had invited Linus to spend the night in the main house with him, being very clear that his intention was just to sleep together.
“Oh.” Linus had been wanting that for a while now, but it had felt too presumptuous to simply invite himself into Arthur’s bed. “Yes, I would love that.”
Now here he was, sharing sleepy morning kisses with Arthur, surrounded by his warmth and his scent. He could get used to this.
Their kisses were growing more intense, and Arthur reached out to pull him even closer. The whole length of Arthur’s body was pressed right up against Linus's now, and if he had had any doubt before that Arthur was attracted to him, that doubt had just gone right out the window. For a moment he wondered if the entirety of the last month had been a dream somehow, because it didn’t seem possible that Arthur Parnassus could feel this way about him. But Arthur’s lips on his and his hands on his back were solid and grounding. This had to be real.
I want to have sex with him, Linus realized with a sudden jolt. The thought felt utterly foreign as it entered his mind; it was not a thought he'd ever had before. But here, now, pressed up against Arthur, it became very clear to him it was true. He did want that. He wanted it very much, in fact. Not now – he would have to ready himself mentally first, and in any case it was morning and Zoe would be bringing the children back any minute. But soon.
The next time the children slept at Zoe’s, Linus steeled himself to take the big leap. He would do something for Arthur first, he decided. Arthur had been so patient and understanding with him, and yes, there was still a thread of anxiety that Arthur might be disappointed how long Linus had made him wait. But also, Linus wanted so deeply to make Arthur happy.
Both of their shirts were off, and Arthur was sitting in Linus’s lap, straddling his legs as they kissed. The thrill it sent through his body was like fire in his veins. There was absolutely no doubt in his mind that he wanted this, not anymore.
Tentatively, he slid his hand down Arthur’s belly, stopping at the waistline of his pants.
“May I... touch you?” Linus whispered shyly.
“Oh, my goodness, yes.” Arthur’s voice was low and a bit hoarse, and it sent a shiver down Linus’s spine. “Please. If you’re sure that’s what you want.”
“I might not be very good.” Linus’s hand was still hesitating at Arthur’s waistband.
“Darling,” Arthur gasped, “I’m pretty sure it would be impossible at this point for you to touch me in a way that didn’t feel good.”
So at last Linus gathered all of his courage, and began to slide Arthur’s pants down his hips. Arthur climbed off of his lap in order to kick the pants off of his feet. Linus couldn’t help staring at him for a moment, at all of Arthur laid bare before him.
He met Arthur's eyes, those dark eyes that had captivated him since the moment they had met.
Then he reached out a hand to touch him.
“Oh,” Arthur breathed. “Linus.” Linus watched as Arthur’s eyes fluttered closed, as his breathing grew heavier, as he made little sounds of pleasure.
He had expected to be anxious about this, but suddenly now that it was happening, he wasn’t nervous at all. It felt right. It felt easy. And as Linus's touch grew more confident, Arthur began to murmur quiet words to him, a constant stream of appreciation. “Oh, Linus. Oh. That’s wonderful.”
Watching Arthur, normally so calm and composed, come undone because of him was intoxicating. He never could have imagined that someone would want him like this, much less someone like Arthur. He never could have imagined that he would want that person back in equal measure.
He hadn’t been sure whether he’d feel ready to let Arthur do something for him, but he found that once they had begun, it just felt natural to let Arthur touch him in return. And Linus didn’t feel as exposed as he’d expected, letting someone see him this way. He felt safe, cared for, loved. This was just Arthur, Arthur whom he adored beyond reason. Everything about Arthur felt right, and had from the moment they’d met, though he’d spent a long time trying to deny it.
Later, Arthur lay with his head pillowed on Linus’s chest. Linus stroked his fingers through Arthur’s hair, savoring its softness. He remembered how much he'd wanted to touch Arthur's hair during that first month on Marsyas.
“How do you feel, my dear Linus?” Arthur asked softly.
“Absolutely wonderful,” Linus replied. “You?”
“The same,” Arthur murmured, and pressed his lips against Linus’s chest. “Thank you.”
Linus cleared his throat. “I’m... I’m sorry that I made you wait this long,” he said. “I did want this, you know. I hope you know that. I want to do everything with you, Arthur.”
“My love, of course I know that. And it was worth the wait.” Arthur nuzzled further into Linus’s chest, rubbing little circles on his belly with his free hand.
“I don’t really know what will happen from here,” Linus confessed. “This is all still so new to me. I don’t know if I’ll always want it, or how much, or what things I'll be okay with...”
“And that is perfectly all right,” Arthur assured him. “We will navigate the future together. And whatever it is that you want, whatever we are doing or not doing together, I will be happy just to have you with me.”
“Can you do me a favor? Can you just... remind me of that sometimes? So I don’t worry.”
“Of course. Whatever you need.” Arthur raised his head to meet Linus’s gaze, and gave him that quiet smile that Linus loved so much. “My dear Linus. All that I truly want is you. All of you.”
Linus looked into Arthur’s eyes, and smiled back.
And just for a moment, Linus Baker felt, for the first time in his life, that he was enough.