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Ever since Sasuke had returned to the village and everything had returned to normal, Sasuke had been no fun. He refused to stand around trading insults (“Deadlast.” “Bastard.” “DEADLAST.” “BASTARD.” “DEADLAST!” “BASTARD!”) or pummel each other senseless into the ground, which everyone knew were time honored ways to shout to the world that the other person was your best friend forever. Sasuke had really been no fun at all.
Naruto sighed, sat down at the counter of the (rebuilt) Ramen Ichiraku, and ordered some salt ramen. It was always easier to think over a giant bowl of steaming ramen.
He did his best to ponder his latest problem, mulling over the responses of his team when he asked them about Sasuke while he waited to be served.
Sakura said Sasuke was depressed. She suggested SSRI's ("Well, they do increase suicide ideation in his age group, but he's always been more destructive to those around him than to himself, so I doubt you have to worry. And they can cause sexual dysfunction, but really that's the least of his problems." Naruto had sat there blinking in utter confusion. Stupid smart Sakura.)
Sai said Sasuke needed to learn how relate to people better. ("I have a book I could lend him that might be of help. I checked out How to Win Friends and Influence People from the library before Pein destroyed Konoha, but the records must have been lost when the library was destroyed, so the librarian let me keep it. I'd suggest he practice on Sakura, but the last time I asked her to help me get better at intercourse, she punched me in the face.” Naruto had sat there, unsure of how it related to helping Sasuke, but indignant that Sai would say something like that to Sakura. Stupid perverted Sai. )
Kakashi said Sasuke just needed some time to himself. ("Hmmm? It's the irony of it that gets to him...” Naruto had sat there for practically forever waiting for him to finish the thought, but he never did. Stupid lazy Kakashi.)
Naruto looked down at the counter, ready to start on his bowl. To his shock and despair, it was empty!
He waved over Teuchi. “What’s with giving me an empty bowl?” he griped, indignant.
“You were the one who just finished eating the bowl,” explained Teuchi, who was quite used to Naruto’s absentmindedness.
“What?” yelled Naruto.
“It’s true,” corroborated Ayame.
“There’s no way -” Naruto started to say, only to give out a loud ramen flavored belch. “Ooops,” he said, scratching the back of his head with one hand in embarrassment, “I guess you’re right.”
He brought out Gama-chan, only to find him thin and sad and empty of money.
“Er, can I pay you tomorrow?” asked Naruto.
As he walked out of Ramen Ichiraku, not willing to push his luck by ordering another bowl on credit, Naruto decided it was all Sasuke’s fault. He wouldn’t have eaten his bowl like that if he wasn’t being such a good friend.
Having firmly settled in his mind that Sasuke owed him a bowl of ramen, Naruto decided to collect on that debt. Luckily, Sasuke was ridiculously boring and easy to find. He was always either puttering around his house (boring), reading a bunch of scrolls he found in a vat buried underground (who does that?), reading scrolls at the library (what’s with all the reading?), or talking to the military police at the police station (the goody two shoes!).
Naruto first tried Sasuke’s house, where surprise surprise, Sasuke was being a bookworm and was writing out some kind of report/essay-thing. (Formal writing made his brain hurt, so he didn’t bother reading past the funny shuriken-and-fan design emblazoned on the side of the scroll.)
“Sasuke, come get ramen with me! You’re paying” announced Naruto.
“I just ate,” said Sasuke.
“Well, then you can buy me ramen and watch me eat it!” replied Naruto, as if it were a perfectly sensible solution.
“Later. I’m busy. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” answered Sasuke.
Naruto moped around, as dejectedly as possible, but as Sasuke didn’t pay any attention to him, eventually he lost interest and decided to get some help.
He headed over to the hospital. Naruto clambered on the side of the building like a monkey, peering through each one until he located Sakura. He climbed in through the window into one of the rooms.
“Eeek!” screeched Ino, who was dressed in a flimsy hospital robe and being examined by Sakura, whose medic uniform must have shrunk in the wash, because her cleavage was totally showing.
“Pervert!” screamed Sakura and immediately kicked him out into the hall and slammed the door shut.
Naruto rubbed his bottom, where he was certain her boot would leave a permanent imprint. Sakura was so unfair.
“Sakura, Sakura!” he yelled, while banging on the door back into the room, “You have to help me!”
The door finally opened, only to present him with two angry women, dressed in their normal clothes, both with their arms crossed.
Naruto plowed through them and hopped onto the examination table. “Sakura, how do I get Sasuke to pay attention to me? All I want is for him to acknowledge me, but he always ignores me,” he whined.
Sakura and Ino exchanged glances. “‘Acknowledge’ you, huh?” said Ino with a smirk.
Sakura blushed, for some reason (girls are weird), and started getting a nosebleed.
Ino handed her a tissue. “You need to scare away the competition,” suggested Ino.
“Make it so all they can think about is their eternal rival?” asked Sakura, innocently.
“Making it so they can’t think at all works too,” countered Ino.
Before Naruto could figure out what they were talking about, Sakura kicked him out again. “Scram. Ino and I still have some “Doctor-Patient” time left.
As he made his way out of the hospital, Naruto thought about Ino’s suggestion. Sasuke did spend a lot of time with those boring military police people. Naruto bet that the boringness was contagious. He began to formulate a plan.
Four toilet rolls, three cartons of eggs, two spray cans, and one still pristine police station later, Naruto decided to give up on distracting the military police so they wouldn’t eat up so much of Sasuke’s time. They were doing good work, so he supposed he could let them off the hook. (The fact that he had been stuck getting lectured at for ten whole minutes had nothing to do with this decision.). Anyway, Sasuke was too deep in conversation with the head police guy, and never even noticed him.
Naruto sat glumly on the curb, hoping for a new idea. Spying Rock Lee on the street outside, Naruto shouted, “Hey Bushy-Brows!”
“Naruto! What is wrong? You look so unyouthful right now. Can I cheer you up? If I cannot, I will do six hundred pushups! And if I cannot do...”
Knowing Lee’s love of tangents, Naruto interrupted him. “What do I do to make Sasuke pay attention to me?” he asked.
“I do not understand,” said Lee, “Is Sasuke not your closest friend?”
“Yeah, but it’s not enough when he doesn’t acknowledge me,” said Naruto.
Lee looked confused for a momen, then his face brightened in understanding. “Ah! Sasuke is very special to you.”
“Of course!” replied Naruto.
“But perhaps he does not realize how you feel about him,” said Lee.
“Sasuke is pretty dense sometimes,” Naruto agreed, nodding his head sagely.
“Let me show you something that is guaranteed to show Sasuke the fervor of your passion!” exclaimed Lee. Lee took a few steps back, and then hearts seemed to burst from your eyes.
“Aaaah! That’s those weird eye-heart things you were throwing at Sakura when we first met!” yelled Naruto.
“If only I had hit her, she would have understood the depths of my feelings!” exclaimed Lee, tears streaming down his face.
Deciding he had nothing to lose, Naruto said, “Teach me, Great Teacher Lee!”
“Youth! Your fire will surely win Sasuke’s heart!” cried out Lee.
“Huh?” said Naruto, confused, but Lee was already pulling him off to the training ground.
It took hours, but Naruto eventually mastered the technique. It wasn’t genjutsu or ninjutsu or anything chakra based, but seemed to be born of whatever let Gai and Lee stick those giant flames behind them when they got too passionate. Naruto left to search out Sasuke, finally finding him at his house.
Sasuke stood in front of a mirror, talking and gesturing as if he were giving a speech. Naruto decided to sneakily nail him with an eye-kiss in the back, only to have Sasuke thwack it back at Naruto with a rolled up scroll.
Naruto yelped and dove for the ground, letting it whiz just above his head. “Hey! What was that for?”
“You were aiming at me first,” said Sasuke.
Naruto got ready to shoot a swarm of eye-hearts at Sasuke, but stopped when he said, “I told you already. I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”
Naruto left for home, too sad and dejected to even eat before going to bed. He dreamed that Sasuke had become a bookworm, and was best friends with Shikamaru and Chouji, and never hung out with Naruto again.
In the morning, Naruto stood outside his apartment building, unsure what to do.
A voice next to Naruto startled him. “Good morning, Naruto,” said Hinata.
Naruto fell over in surprise. “Hi Hinata,” he said.
She sat down next to him, having noticed his depressed state. “Are you feeling okay? I’ll treat you to some ramen,” she said.
“I’m not hungry,” replied Naruto. “Have you ever had someone that you wanted to acknowledge you? What did you do?”
Hinata blushed. “I sort of stalked him,” she admitted.
“Hey, that’s right, you have that X-ray vision, right? Could you help me stalk Sasuke?” asked Naruto.
“Sasuke? Is that who you want to acknowledge you?” wondered Hinata.
“Yeah. Know where he is?” asked Naruto.
“Byakugan!” whispered Hinata. The veins around her eyes bulged out, and after a moment she said, “He is talking to Tsunade in a meeting room at the Hokage tower.”
“Thanks Hinata! You’re the best. Come on!” said Naruto, who immediately headed towards the tower.
When they were halfway there, Hinata said, “Um, Naruto? I think there’s going to be a big meeting. Several of the clan heads have arrived, including my father.”
“Aww, man. Well, we’ll camp right outside the door and catch him when they’re done,” said Naruto.
When they reached the Hokage tower, according to Hinata, the meeting was in full swing, with Sasuke at the center. They sat in a side room, waiting for the meeting to end.
As the bigwigs started streaming out, Naruto asked Hinata, “Hey, did that person you were stalking eventually acknowledge you?”
Like clockwork, Hinata blushed again. “Eventually. I think we’ll just be good friends, though.”
“Hey that’s great! And if it worked on a cold fish like Neji, then it’ll definitely work on Sasuke too!” said Naruto.
“Neji?” asked Hinata, confused, but at that moment, Naruto spotted Sasuke.
“I’ve got some stalking to do! See you later, Hinata,” shouted Naruto, halfway out of the room already.
Naruto stalked Sasuke, being careful to stay out of sight behind trees, trash cans, and troops of other people. Suddenly, a shuriken pinned Naruto’s jacket to a tree he was hiding behind. Sasuke stood before him, a smirk on his face.
Wonder of wonders, Sasuke said, “I believe I owe you a spar.”
“Really?” said Naruto, voice full of hope.
“Really,” said Sasuke, who proceeded to blow fire in his face. Naruto retaliated by releasing a Rasengan at point blank range, because that’s what best friends do. Later, as Sasuke ground his face into the mud with his shoe, Naruto cried tears of joy, since it proved that Sasuke truly cared.