Chapter Text
“Happy birthday, Belly!”
Conrad feels terror creeping up to his heart and concentrates on leaving Belly’s apartment without showing any more emotion. He cannot let himself fall apart where she could see, he needs to get away first.
Somehow, it never occurred to him that she might want him sexually but not romantically. When coming here it was never a possibility, he worried about whether she’d tell him to fuck off right away, or maybe let him know she’d fine with keeping in touch but only as friends or, the hope born out of her letter and his own wishes, that she’d want the same things he wants with her. Conrad has never thought that they might be some weird in between – it was either friendship or love in the cards for them, not a, what? friends turned one night stand? Was it casual for her? He could never be casual about her, never. So the thought that she can, she is – is terrifying, because if she is, that means she truly does not love him anymore.
Conrad’s breaths come out quicker and quicker and it’s obvious panic is catching up to him, but he’s still too close to her to stop and try to reign it in. He tries to outrun it, practically running down the stairs as he nears the building entrance, but he knows he cannot actually do it. He tried, for many years to run from everything that hurts and it never worked, it won’t work this time too.
And right as he leaves her building, he collapses on the stairs, panic attack sweeping over him. Racing down the staircase they climbed giddily only hours before only intensifies the pounding of his heart and he can barely breath when the realisation that the moment he feared, the one he thought he made peace with happening a long time ago finally came, but not before he let himself hope otherwise: Belly did not love him anymore, he was no more than a piece of her past now. While she will never not be a part of him, he does not think he’s capable of not loving her.
Conrad leans on the wall by the entrance, so that he at least has something to support him as he cannot see anything anymore and fears he’d lose consciousness any moment. It is a frightful feeling itself – to lose sight in a moment, but he’s in foreign country where the only familiar person is the love of his life that does not feel the same, what started as a beautiful, hopeful night turned into his worst nightmare and he haven’t slept in more than thirty hours… He tries, he really, really tries hard to do any breathing exercises he knows to calm down, to fight the panic, but he just can’t.
His chest hurts so much and Conrad wishes he could just draw his heart out of it to stop the pain when he hears her voice screaming his name and curses his brain for going out of his way to torment him. He didn’t have many panic attacks in recent years, no such intense ones since before he moved to California and it is actually the first time he detaches from reality so hard that he hears things. Blind, barely breathing, he clutches his chest and prays for this to end, in any way, he just wants the pain to go. His only other thought is that he’d rather be in any place but here, he didn’t get away far enough, he has to fight through and leave. He cannot stay so close to her, he cannot taint her home anymore, he must leave. But his limbs do not listen, they won’t move at all and here he is – terrified by the realisation Belly does not return his love, not able to leave far enough and further scared by it.
At last Conrad decides to give up, he knows it’ll pass, he just has to endure and be quiet. Just that.
When he hears her voice closer, calling him again, he grits his teeth from how fucking cruel his brain is. The door opens next to him, and Conrad tries to pull his limbs to himself, to make himself smaller, so maybe whoever it is will not see him but he only manages to send his bag from the stairs with one leg moving definitely not the way he intended. At least he thinks that is what happens because he still has no sight. Someone gasps and it’s her voice again and no matter how much he wants for it to just be over as soon as possible he cannot take hearing her voice anymore knowing full well it is not real and finally Conrad passes out.