Chapter Text
The group of six sat silently in the cramped van, the only real noise being the hum of the wheels on asphalt, gradually fading into the sound of dirt roads as they left the tall buildings and monotone concrete of New York behind.
The tension felt so thick you could probably cut it with a spoon. Maybe like a bowl of Jell-O, the spoon gliding through it and scooping up a big chunk of transparent goop.
It felt like the night was holding its breath. He could see April glance back at them every so often from the passenger seat, worry carved into her brilliant blue eyes. Donnie refused to meet her gaze, though. He couldn´t muster up the motivation to move at all, really. He just kept his attention fixed on the window, staring at the passing trees.
Even Mikey was silent, which was somewhat unnerving. Seeing the usually bright and cheerful turtle quiet was something not many got to see.
At least he was finally sitting still for once.
Donnie felt a faint smile crack his lips, but as quickly as it came, it disappeared again. Swirling guilt creeping back into his stomach like centipedes.
It was all his fault. If they had just left when Leo said they should, none of this would´ve happened. It was him who insisted they stay, it was him who had such selfish trust in his own abilities.
But he wasn't smart enough.
New York was in the Kraang´s possession. He couldn´t even fathom how many innocent people were suffering right now, all because of Donnie.
Casey drove without a single word, all his witty quips and stupid jokes seemingly left behind. Abandoned, like the lair. Like Master Splinter… He tried not to think about his father.
Raph sat with his legs straight out in front of him, simply doing nothing. His expression was nearly impossible to decode, at least to Donnie. His brow was tight, and slightly furrowed. Maybe he should say something, but he doubts any of them want to hear from him right now. Mikey and Leo are really much better at that stuff, anyway.
Leo…. he was neatly laid in the middle of the van, covered in old, ragged blankets. It almost looked like he was sleeping. But Donnie knew better than that. And for once, he didn’t know what to do.
He was supposed to be the smart one, the one who got them out of situations like this with his genius.
But he didn´t. He didn´t comfort his brothers, or come up with a super smart plan.
He just looked up at the sky -at the stars- and prayed that if there was anything really up there, it hadn't abandoned them yet.
Which was really quite pretty, by the way. Without the light pollution of the city, the stars shone like they were there for only him to see, and they kind of were, in a way. He hadn´t really seen the stars before. Not like this.
Of course, he´d seen them on TV, all the old rom-coms he watched as a kid had a common denominator- a romantic dance by starlight or an intimate picnic in the glow of the moon. But the best he'd had was a subtle glimpse of a star or two in a cloudy, dark sky.
But this was completely different. The sky lit up with tiny lights, each one a part of a beautiful picture. He couldn`t help but stare at them, letting his mind go quiet.
Hah. He was basically meditating of his own free will. Sensei would be so proud of him.
Would've been.
He felt the sharp pricking in his eyes that came right before tears, and steeled himself not to cry.
He wasn´t a baby. He was 15. 15 and still not nearly as mature as Leo, or as strong as Raph, or as funny as Mikey. He was undoubtedly the weakest link.
No, Casey was the weakest link. That thought made him feel slightly better, so he clung to it like it was the last life raft in an unsurvivable storm.
Even if it wasn't really true.
As the farmhouse slowly came into view, April made a valiant (and unsuccessful) attempt to break the thick layer of ice that had seemingly formed around everyone in the van.
“So…We´re finally here! Long drive, huh?”
Her words were met with a brief silence before a quiet ´I guess´ from Raph. Casey offered her a sympathetic look that made Donnie´s blood boil, even from the back seat.
“Tough Crowd.”
April gave him a brief smile in return, but it didn´t reach her eyes. It was a sombre, sad smile that looked more like pity than anything else.
Not pity for Casey, no. It was pity for them.
The thought made his skin crawl, and his hands curl into tight, angry fists. He wasn´t sure why. They´d watched their father die, and Leo was in a coma. That was something you´d pity someone for, right? You´d feel sorry for them, for sure.
But it was wrong. They shouldn´t pity him. He was supposed to be strong. He was a mutant, for crying out loud! He had a big, hard shell on his back and strong, nimble limbs from years of ninja training. He didn´t need pity.
He needed to be better.
Smarter,
Stronger,
Faster.
If he had been better, Maybe Master Splinter would still be alive. Maybe Leo would be awake and maybe New York and all the people there would be fine.
But he wasn´t.
Master Splinter was gone. Leo might never recover, and New York was… not a place compatible with life at the moment.
Casey and April clambered out of the van, while Donnie and Raph carefully carried Leo to the farmhouse, Mikey trailing quietly behind them.
The rest of the night was a blur.
By Donnie's instructions, they laid him in the bathtub. He´d said something about keeping him hydrated and helping his body recover or something like that.
He wasn’t sure why they were still listening to him. After all, his advice had nearly got them killed just a few hours ago.
He was practically on autopilot, spouting words without really thinking about them much. It felt like he was living in snippets, jumping from scene to scene like a bad TV show.
Maybe he was dreaming
Before long, he was sitting in the old barn. There were cobwebs everywhere, and it looked like no one had even entered the place in at least a decade. Which was probably true, since no one lived there anymore.
He stared blankly at the box of supplies he'd been able to grab in a rush before leaving. Some old science equipment, beakers and a few chemicals. He´d taken anything he could salvage, anything that could be useful.
This was going to be a long night.
He started by clearing the hay, kicking it into messy piles against the walls of the barn, giving him room to work. Plus, it was a good outlet for all his pent-up feelings from the past few days.
Next, he used his arm to wipe off the majority of the dust coating the table, and set out the stuff he needed. A slightly cracked canister of mutagen, some distilling equipment and a few beakers.
He had to make some sort of medicine for Leo. He couldn't fail. No matter how long it took, he had to cure him. Donnie wasn´t sure what they would do if he didn´t.
As soon as his makeshift lab was good enough to use, Donnie got to work.
He planned out chemical formulas and made prototype batches of the hypothetical medicine. He tested theories on samples of his own blood until he felt dizzy and lightheaded, and scrawled messy notes in a random Hello Kitty notebook he’d found in a dusty box.
Before he knew it, the sun was in the sky, and the birds were singing their cheerful songs, as if it wasn't the end of the world.
Donnie didn’t hear them, though. Because he was too busy. Too busy writing, testing, planning, bleeding, too busy in general. His eyes flickered across pages, soaking in information like a sponge. He´d even stuck a few sheets of paper on the walls, chemical equations and observations about the nature of Leo´s coma.
If you walked in without any context, you might assume a schizophrenic lived there. You might think the frantic notes on the walls were the ramblings of someone crazy. Someone who’d lost their mind in some tragic way, perhaps.
Donnie had never had very neat handwriting, but it was evident that sleep deprivation and caffeine didn´t help his calligraphy skills very much.
Casey had joined him after a while, and despite some brief banter in the beginning, the two quickly settled into a comfortable silence. One working on a cure, the other working on fixing an old car.
Despite the lack of conversation, it was nice to have some company while he worked. Still, his frustration grew with each failed attempt. Why couldn’t he figure this out?
Maybe he should listen to his aching body and take a break…
But what if he was one more experiment away from getting it right? How could he stop when the next try could be the right answer? When his brother’s life depended on it?
Donnie kept working long after Casey had left, ignoring the boy’s advice to go to sleep. He just couldn’t. He had to fix this.
A dozen more failed experiments later, a sharp sound cut through the silence of the barn. It took embarrassingly long for Donnie´s brain to process that it was knocking.
He glanced at the clock, 7 am. No, it couldn´t be. It was 11 pm just a few hours ago… had he really lost track of time that badly?
“Dooonnnnieeeeee! Are you in there, bro? I made breakfast! You gotta try it, man! It´s pancakes with a twist!”
He grimaced slightly. Mikey didn´t have a very good track record when it came to ´twists´. Just then, his stomach decided to remember he hadn´t eaten in a while, and nausea hit him like a bus. Maybe he could try just a bite.
His muscles ached and screamed in protest as he stood up, crossing the short distance to the door that led into the rest of the house.
“Donnie? Are you alive in there, bro?”
Mikey almost knocked on Donnie's face when he opened the door suddenly, earning a subtle gasp from his immediate (and only) younger brother.
“Dude! You look terrible! Like, more than usual. What happened, bro? You look like a zombie that ate its own brain!”
Another win for Donnie's self esteem.
He wasn´t sure what reaction Mikey was expecting, so he simply settled on giving him a blank stare. Not that he had the energy to do much else.
“I´m fine, Mikey. Thanks.”
“Okaaaaay, if you say so.”
Mikey gave him a look that clearly displayed his suspicion. Crossing his arms and raising a non-existent eyebrow. Donnie just scoffed and pushed past him to the hallway.
His eyes felt funny, and his legs were trembling slightly. Actually, all of him was trembling slightly. Probably just from the food thing, though.
When he finally got to the kitchen, the smell hit him before anything else. That must be the pancakes Mikey was talking about. It smelled warm and sweet. Too sweet.
The others were already sitting at the table when he got there. Except Leo, of course. Donnie stared at the wood, blinking slowly as Mikey set a massive plate of pancakes that were too colourful to be normal in front of them.
Raph hesitantly grabbed one and ripped a small piece off, inspecting the colourful blobs that were scattered throughout like chocolate chips. Carefully, slowly, He placed the piece in his mouth and chewed.
Donnie watched him, half expecting to have to do CPR in a few seconds. Well, CPR probably wouldn´t work, due to their plastrons, So something else. Maybe fetch a bucket for him to throw up in or something.
Raph’s face morphed from a mix of confusion, to disgust, to begrudging surprise.
“It´s…. not that bad, considering Mikey made it.”
“Seeee? I’m like, the cook of the house yo!”
He shoved another into his mouth, folding it like a taco. It was hard to watch, honestly.
Meanwhile, Casey was already halfway through his second, barely even noticing the weird chunks in his food. Donnie didn´t even wanna know how many Mikey had eaten.
April shot him a glance of mostly fear and concern, but gingerly picked one from the pile too. Donnie followed suit, tediously picking out a melted, bright green blob from his pancake and ripping off the surrounding area, placing it on the corner of his plate.
“Are these… gummy bears?”
He couldn´t help but grimace as Mikey gave him a wide grin. There was no remorse in his expression.
“Uh, yeah! There was a pack in the cupboard so I used my culinary genius to conjure up a delightful dish!”
“So it’s… expired gummy bears. Right.”
April gave the pile a sceptical look, but she kept eating the one on her plate.
“Okay. April, Candy doesn’t ‘expire’.”
Casey bit off another chunk of the pancake, laughing slightly with a mildly condescending tone and making air quotes with his remaining free hand.
“Besides, expiry dates are a myth they make up so you spend more money on food.”
Crumbs flew from his mouth and landed on the table, much too close to Donnie´s own plate. He always hated it when people talked while they chewed, So he couldn´t help but stare in disdain. Everything about the boy disgusted him. Just a little.
“That is completely not true.”
Donnie crossed his arms and sneered at the idiot sitting directly across from him. God, how can someone who gets daily education for 15 years still be so stupid?
“Yes it is! My dad said so!”
He scoffed, an incredulous feeling rising inside him. Maybe Casey hit his head as a kid, real hard.
Donnie knew he should try have empathy, it can’t be easy being so dumb all the time. Raph was staring at them with raised eyebrows and a subtle grin on his face, same as Mikey, who was chewing slowly, for once.
“Yeah well, your dad had you, so he can’t be that smart, can he?”
April didn’t look nearly as amused as his brothers did, who seemed to be treating the argument like some sort of Reality TV show- Maybe a K-drama. He acted like he didn’t watch them, but they’d all seen him binging I Hear Your Voice.
Though Donnie wouldn’t go so far as to call it an argument. It was a brief dispute, at best.
“Oooooooooh! That was rough, bro! Are you gonna take that, Casey?”
The boy in question looked ready to jump across the table. Donnie kinda wished he would, he was tired of sitting still, maybe a little sparring wouldn’t be so bad.
“Guys-”
“Oh I’ll-!”
“GUYS!”
Everyone went quiet as April slammed her fists down on the table. The plates clinked, and a fork fell on the ground, marking the silence that ensued.
“We’ve been here for two days. Two days! Is it that difficult to be civil with each other? I know you have some sort of rival thing going on, but you have to be more mature than this!”
April’s exasperated tone made Donnie feel kinda guilty. What he said was maybe a bit mean, sure. But it wasn’t that bad. He could’ve said a million worse things, It wasn’t very hard to think of insults regarding Casey Jones.
The second April looked away Casey stuck out his tongue at him. Pulling a face that reminded him of an ostrich on cocaine. Yeah, guilt gone.
A few hours later, Raph called them outside to the grassy field between the forest and the Farmhouse for some morning training. Thankfully, Donnie had managed to take a brief nap, and apart from some irritability, was the pinnacle of health.
They started with simple stretches, like always, and quickly got to sparring. They were all antsy after days of being cooped up indoors, so some fighting was welcomed. Even by Donnie, who usually hated it.
It was everyone against everyone. At least, it started off that way.
Pretty soon, Donnie and Casey had managed to split off from the group. Maybe they were working out their argument (brief dispute) from earlier, or maybe it was just the general dislike they held for each other, but neither was willing to give up.
This time, it really was Casey who started it. Donnie was just standing, watching the fight, when he attacked him! Some people just have no manners.
They were practically neck to neck, Casey using raw strength, while Donnie had practised agility.
“Sweet moves, Donnie!”
The compliment threw him off guard for a brief second -Clogged his gears, as Raph would say- But he quickly shook it off. Who encourages their opponent during a fight?
Donnie ducked to avoid Casey's hockey stick as it flew through the air towards his head and wondered how the boy hadn’t been killed yet. Throwing your only weapon in battle is something only a fool would do.
A smug smile creeped it’s way onto his face. It would be easy going from here.
That thought was interrupted by a pebble being launched at him, bouncing off his shell.
“Eat this!”
“Ow! Cheap shot!”
Now, Donnie wouldn’t consider himself an angry person. The Bo staff just slipped out of his hand! He didn’t mean to chuck it at his face! That would be shameful. Then again, Casey cheated first.
Before he could think, he lunged at him, sending them both flying onto the grass. It was a mess of tangled arms and legs as they rolled around on the floor for a few seconds before Casey somehow ended up on top, pinning Donnie to the grass with an arm on his neck.
He pushed his face away as much as possible, kicked his legs to hit him in the stomach as best he could and put all his efforts into escaping the hold, but his attempts were futile. To be fair, it wasn’t very easy when you have a 200-pound weight holding all your limbs down.
Then, out of the blue, something clicked. He didn’t realise it much in the moment, but something in the air shifted. All of a sudden, his stomach felt kinda weird, and his face felt hotter. Maybe he was getting sick?
“Okay, you two, enough!”
April stormed over, visibly annoyed. Raph and Mikey following not too far behind.
Donnie felt embarrassment creep up his face. They were fighting like children, and it didn’t help that Casey was still practically lying on him.
He used the distraction to shove Casey off and hoped his face wasn’t as red as it felt.
His stomach felt weird again. It must’ve been those weird pancakes Mikey made.
“You guys are acting like a bunch of caged animals.”
She narrowed her eyes at them, the words coming out with a very clear annoyance.
“We’re just blowing off a little steam, red!”
Donnie glared at the biological malfunction occupying the air next to him as a hand hit his carapace. It didn’t hurt, obviously. but he was still mad about it.
“Yeah, things are just kinda tense lately.”
He looped an arm around Casey's neck, pulling him closer and plastering on a wide grin. Putting extra emphasis on his words.
“Right, old friend?”
Suddenly, his brain realised how close their faces were, and he felt the heat rising back up again. It felt like he swallowed a dumbbell, and his body started to feel kind of tingly from his feet to his head.
He didn’t have much time to think about it, though, as Raph spoke up. Something about turtles belonging in the sewers. Purely by instinct, Donnie couldn’t help but correct him.
His mind was still on the weird feelings swirling inside him, though. What was that about, anyway? It felt different from anything he’d experienced before, but he couldn’t label it exactly.
Nervousness? Fear?
Maybe this was just from all the stress from the past few days. Yeah, that was definitely it. Nothing to worry about, for sure.
It’d go away in no time, anyway.