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beomseok hated wooyoung. he hated him just as much as he loved him.
what an odd word that was for him to use. love. beomseok had always been convinced that he would never make it far enough in life to be able to feel that way for someone, and even now that he did, it wasn't what he had ever expected or longed for. far from it. far from the happy fantasy he'd had for years, far from what he sometimes still hoped to get.
he was so greedy and desperate for something he did not deserve, it was almost pathetic. it was foolish to think that it was even a possibility for someone like him.
it had taken stupidly long for the two of them to admit that what they had was… somewhat romantic. maybe not a word most people would use to describe them, but beomseok found it to be rather fitting. as much as his feelings contradicted themselves and as much as he loathed wooyoung sometimes, he clung onto that word. clung onto wooyoung and what they had.
wooyoung's mouth was on his neck, biting and sucking on his skin. they were at the other's apartment, as always. beomseok didn't like staying at his own, and while both of their places sucked, wooyoung seemed to have nothing against spending their days here. maybe it was also just more convenient. maybe he did not even like beomseok enough to put in the effort to get to his apartment. sometimes it felt that way, and sometimes it felt like wooyoung would come running the moment he called for him.
it was all so confusing. loving someone. hating someone. maybe it was all the same.
sometimes wooyoung seemed to actually love him, and on other days beomseok barely saw a glimpse of him unless it was to tell him how much he sucked. they would fight over nothing, both of them upset over pointless things that could have been easily solved. it felt like someone had turned a switch and they went from regular people to the mess they had been back when they had met. kicking at everything they saw, thinking that everyone was out to get them.
they were still broken, although some parts had been glued back together as time had passed. it became obvious on bad days that thing were not as right as they liked to think they were. on those days, they had to admit to themselves that neither of them truly knew what they were doing. that they were only pretending that this could work out.
they had not been made to last. this was a way of passing time and they both knew it, even if neither wanted to admit it. even if neither seemed to be able to let go.
whether it was because it was convenient or because wooyoung actually cared, beomseok didn't know.
beomseok liked that wooyoung was fine with taking over whenever they had sex. he liked that the other seemed to know what he was doing and that he seemed to care not only about himself but also about how beomseok felt.
it was nice to let go. to not feel like his life would slip out of his control the moment he didn't have full authority over his body. it was weird to trust someone that much, while also knowing that one day they would move on from this. maybe not even because they had to yet, but because they both knew that the time had come.
whether he was looking forward to it or not, beomseok wasn't sure. there would be nothing freeing about leaving wooyoung behind while knowing that no one person would ever see and understand him like wooyoung did. there would be no way of replacing him in his life.
it was as bad as it was good that a person like wooyoung wasn't easy to find. it would be as freeing as it would be devastating to let go.
wooyoung was still on top of him, taking off his own shirt before he got rid of beomseok's too.
it was the same process every time. beomseok liked predictability.
he liked that he knew how wooyoung's brain worked when he was doing well. he did not like much how it was quite the opposite whenever wooyoung was in a bad mood. when he would snap at things he usually wouldn't care about and not care about things he would usually snap at. always so confusing.
they kissed. wooyoung was a rather rough person when it came to such things, but beomseok didn't mind. he took off his glasses and tossed them to the side, parting his lips so wooyoung had better access to his mouth. he was eager to take him up on the offer, pushing beomseok deeper into the pillows underneath his head, fingers tangled in beomseok's hair as their lips moved against each other.
beomseok moaned as he felt wooyoung grind down on top of him, both of their faces flushed as they looked at each other.
what emotion wooyoung was feeling right now, beomseok wasn't able to decipher. it could be positive, it could be negative. who knew. he was so painfully neutral sometimes. at least when he wasn't in a bad mood.
it was nicer than arguing all the time, but more often than not, beomseok wished for more of a reaction. for him to yell, to be vulnerable, to talk and kiss and touch him like this truly mattered. just anything outside of neutrality or a weird state of aggression.
he wanted wooyoung to show that this meant something.
sometimes it did feel that way. just not often enough for beomseok to be too sure of whether it was real or not. it surely wasn't enough for them to stick together for too long.
he still called it love, because that's what it felt like. for someone who had never learned what true love was, what he had with wooyoung seemed to be the closest he would ever get to that feeling. they liked each other sometimes, and that was enough for it to be love. even when beomseok felt like there was nothing good about them, it simply had to be. he was sure of it.
maybe he also just wasn't ready to accept that he might have to let go one day. to turn his back towards the only person who had ever seen him as equal, simply because there would come a day on which they had to admit that this wasn't good for them. that everything would stay the same if they kept going like this, that nothing would change and get better.
wooyoung wouldn't ever work on himself and his emotions, and neither would beomseok work on his mental state.
they simply worked out like that. they could tolerate the other's flaws just enough to be able to stand each others presence. in return, neither of them would ever be able to move forward.
it was a sacrifice beomseok was willing to make but knew would not be worth it in the end.
he liked the way wooyoung felt. he was warm and he held him close. even when he felt detached, too far away for there to be any genuine connection between them, wooyoung still made him feel good for a while.
it was strange how good he could make him feel, just to be able to do the exact opposite an hour later. what they had right now was not the same as what they had afterwards, or in an hour, or next morning. none of this was a constant and it never would be. it simply was not meant to be, even if the truth was harsh and unkind to him.
hate. he hated this. he hated how much he loved him, and he hated that even wooyoung's worst parts were something he had grown to become desperate for. something beomseok refused to let go of until the very last minute. maybe he would never learn.
maybe he would always run back to the things that would ruin him. he didn't want to let go just yet.