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“Earth to Goro?” Akira waved his hand in front of Goro’s face where he was staring into space. It sure seemed like he was looking at his phone but he knew every one of his boyfriend’s expressions, this was a definite zone out for sure. He understood why. They had been waiting at the station for quite some time.
Now that he had finally graduated high school and instead of moving back home or into a college dorm he would be living with Goro now in his apartment, a dream come true. No more cold nights or sweltering summer days in Leblanc’s attic, despite how much he loved it there versus living at home. Besides he was basically living at Akechi’s half the time anyway at this point, now it was just official. Thus with that came the dreaded, ‘We want to meet him,’ from his parents. Akira was terrified to go home and see them again. There were so many things that could possibly go wrong. He wanted them to like Goro or at the very least get along somewhat, but that wasn’t guaranteed. Who knows what they would think of him… what they would think of their relationship? Unfortunately, he couldn’t just say no. He might be an adult now but college wasn’t free.
As for why that resulted in them being at the station an hour and a half early? Akira could only blame his anxiety, the last thing he wanted was to miss the train, his hometown was so small that only one train ran there a day.
“Goro, we gotta go, the train is here.” Akira nudged him and Akechi finally snapped out of his trance.
“Right, my apologies for not paying proper attention.” They each grabbed their suitcases and wheeled them towards the platform.
“You still look anxious,” Goro commented after they had gotten themselves settled in their seats. “We didn’t miss the train, we are actually on it right now in fact. Are you finally able to calm down now?”
Akira sighed. “It’s not that simple.”
“Talk to me then. What’s on your mind?” Akechi asked.
“I just…” Akira’s face flushed a bit, embarrassed, the silence stretching on just a bit too long.
“Please just say it, I do not want to spend the entirety of this ridiculously long train ride with you being an anxious mess.”
“I just want them to like you, okay,” Akira confessed. “You mean everything to me. I just want them to see that. I want them to accept you.” No one had ever understood him on such a deep level before. His hometown was full of narrow minded people, so much so that it felt like his personality had been forced to be locked up in a box. It was only once he arrived here in Tokyo that he was able to spread his wings, and Goro played a significant role in that. The long nights at Penguin Sniper and Jazz Jin… dancing around their feelings for each other. Akira waxing all poetic about Goro’s pretty eyes to Lala during his shifts at Crossroads. There was nowhere else this romance could have possibly taken place. Nowhere else he could be this free.
Now, with Goro sitting next to him, hair slightly mussed from the hat he was wearing before, and sporting his familiar beige jacket, all Akira could think about was just how gorgeous he always was and how impossibly lucky he ended up being. Somehow he was the one who had stolen him away from the legions of fangirls that had prayed to be in this exact position, though Akira doubted any of them realized just how sharp Goro’s tongue could be. He liked it though. He loved every part of Goro, even the ugly ones he tried to hide away. His feelings for him were so strong all the time it was as if his heart was threatening to burst out of his chest.
“I don’t know for certain if they’ll like me, but I consider myself pretty experienced when it comes to charming people, especially narrow-minded adults, I’m sure I’ll make do,” Goro reassured him.
“You’re going to put on your TV smile for them huh? I thought you hated that?” He remembered how long it took for him to get Goro to open up to him properly. He had been so guarded behind so many masks, but eventually he found out just how much Goro loathed his Detective Prince persona. It was merely a necessity for his work. Every time Akira saw Goro put on his fake TV smile that didn’t quite reach his eyes it just felt wrong.
“If that’s what it takes. I know how important this is to you.”
Goro was too good to him. He reached over and placed his hand on top of Goro’s, intertwining their fingers together as best he could with Goro’s glove in the way. “I love you, you know that.”
Akira delighted in seeing Goro’s cheeks redden as he turned away to look out the window, embarrassed. “No need to be all sappy.”
“What if I want to be though?” He teased.
“Why must you be like this?”
“Because I like it when you blush,” Akira admitted. “You’re cute.”
“We’re in public,” Goro hissed.
“So, what?” He retorted. “It’s not like we’re making out in broad daylight. Can’t I tell my boyfriend I think he’s cute?”
“It’s embarrassing!”
“Alright, alright. Fine. Sorry.” Akira backed off, removing his hand and turning away, pulling out his phone from his coat pocket. Sometimes he forgot just how self-conscious Goro could be sometimes. It wasn’t often that they ventured somewhere beyond their usual places where he knew Goro was comfortable to be more affectionate. He must have pushed a bit too far.
“…wait.” He heard Goro’s voice softly call out to him after a moment. “I didn’t mean…” Akira’s hand was pulled from his lap and he turned back, eyes wide.
“What..?”
“I didn’t say you could let go, did I?” Goro couldn’t look him in the eye, his grip tight, his ears turning just as red as his face. Akira’s mind was wiped blank, the only thought going through his mind being, ‘He’s so cute…’
To prevent Goro from combusting he brushed it off nonchalantly. “Right, of course.” He pretended to be absorbed in his phone while stealing glances at Goro from the corner of his eye. The heat of their intertwined hands radiated up his arm, Akira gently stroking Goro’s hand with his thumb. They just existed in a comfortable, personal silence for a while, both looking at their phones as the train moved through Tokyo proper, stopping frequently to pick up passengers before its long journey to Akira’s hometown.
His phone beeped; a notification from Goro? Or rather, the app that they used to play chess.
‘Want to start a game?’ The default message read and Akira couldn’t help but smile as he hit accept.
As they played a game, Akira thought about how he had gotten better over the past two years they’d known each other, but Goro was still leagues better than him; he’d be lucky if he won 1 game out of every 5, a large improvement over where he was last year winning 1 out of every 10.
It was a narrow defeat this time; he had whittled away quite a few of Goro’s pieces, but he managed to checkmate him with just a bishop, a rook, and a pawn remaining.
“I accept defeat yet again,” Akira remarked.
“You were careless,” Goro replied. “You walked right into my trap at the end there. My setup with the pawn was so obvious I thought for sure you would’ve seen right through it.”
“Maybe I’m just blind when it comes to you?” Akira retorted with a smirk. “You’re just so distracting.”
Goro groaned, “I already know that, but please don’t have that extend to chess. It’s not fun at all when your opponent doesn’t think their moves through properly.”
“I was only teasing,” Akira replied. “Don’t worry, I would never throw the game on purpose, I know how pissed you would get.”
“Damn right. Now if you’ll excuse me for a moment, I need to use the restroom.”
Akira moved back as Goro clambered over him to exit the row. Now that the game was over he took the opportunity to catch up on some messages from his friends.
First was Futaba. A message this early? That probably meant she hadn’t even gone to sleep yet. Taking full advantage of spring break.
gremlin: i saw your GPS say you were at the station already?? WTH? your train doesn’t come for like two hours.
Ah yeah… he should’ve known she’d notice that.
gremlin: don’t stress out so much k? if theyre dicks to you I’ll just hack into their phones and ruin their lives!!
Me: please don’t do that
gremlin: he lives!! alright i won’t hack them but only because you said so
Me: thanks
gremlin: if they can’t accept you who gives a shit what they think? You’re my big bro, were family right? that’s what matters
Me: yeah for sure
gremlin: :D :D :D
gremlin: good tell that stick up his ass loser i said hi and that he better not fuck this up
Akira huffed in amusement the sound barely audible over the drone of the loudspeaker as it announced the next stop. “Now approaching Saitama Station.”
Futaba’s messages warmed his heart. Maybe this trip wouldn’t be so bad? Before he could text back he heard footsteps approaching. Goro was finally back from the bathroom.
“What’s got you smiling-” Goro started to say before his voice suddenly cut off with an awful gagging sound; his face went as white as a sheet, his eyes completely lifeless, rolling to the back of his head as his body crumpled to the ground.
Akira could barely jump out of his seat to catch him in time, his body moving completely on instinct, adrenaline rushing through him. What the hell was going on?! He was fine just a moment ago. The train was slowing down, pulling into the station, this was his chance to get help!
Akira flagged down the attention of a nearby passenger who was staring in shock. “Hey! Please help! Go tell the conductor there’s an emergency!” Thankfully that seemed to shock them out of their stupor and they ran off.
Akira frantically checked Goro’s neck, praying for a pulse. He couldn’t just drop dead out of nowhere right? That was crazy. What was happening?!
Thankfully, Goro was still alive, his pulse a weak flutter under his finger tips, but his breathing was shallow. The train had pulled to a stop at Saitama station and the paramedics entered the train, making a beeline straight for them. One of them was questioning him about Goro’s medical history which he barely knew anything about, while the others loaded him up on the stretcher.
Akira trailed behind them like a lost puppy, fear gripping his heart at the sheer number of ways this could all go so wrong. Akira climbed in the ambulance and gripped Goro’s hand tightly as they headed to the hospital. Goro was hooked up to a heart monitor, and had an oxygen mask on his face.
Everything was happening so quickly, he could barely process it all.
“He’s flatlining!” He heard one of the EMTs shout and Akira watched in horror as they cut Goro’s shirt open and used the defibrillator on his chest. His own heart was pounding so fiercely he could hear the blood rushing through his ears. It was as if it was trying to make up for Goro’s heart failing to beat. He couldn’t do this! He couldn’t see the love of his life die right in front of him.
Not again.
~*~
Akechi felt like shit. That wasn’t unexpected however. The doctors said that he had a sudden bout of cardiac syncope basically, a fancy way of saying he fainted because his heart stopped working properly. The unusual part was that it had continued to fail… for days apparently and for absolutely no apparent reason. He had been in a coma, barely managing to hang on before they transferred him to a hospital in Tokyo.
He had finally woken up and once the doctors had taken him off the life support machines and cleared him, he was assaulted with desperate kisses from Akira. He wasn’t out of the woods yet, everything had taken a toll on his body and he was still recovering. Hooked up to multiple monitors and an IV, he felt trapped., but he was still too weak to get up on his own regardless. He tried his best to persuade Akira to finally just go home but he refused, the stubborn fool, and ended up falling asleep in the chair next to his bed anyway. Akira’s body was slumped forward, upper body bent awkwardly on the already uncomfortable bed. That would be hell on his back. His face was turned towards him as he slept, and he could see the furrow in Akira’s brow. His hand was still clinging tightly to Akechi’s own as if he was terrified to let go for even a moment, even when unconscious. Akechi hated to see him stressed so badly. It reminded him of before... besides, he would be fine.
He was certain of it.
“Knock, knock.” The sounds of a knock on the door was accompanied by a disgustingly familiar voice calling out to him. “I hope now isn’t a bad time, Akechi-kun.”
Akechi couldn’t help but bristle in disgust as he walked in, his grip on Akira’s hand tightening reflexively. He didn’t even bother with the civilian getup outside of his Palace anymore, so comfortable in his position as ruler of this fucked up reality.
“Maruki.” The name came out of his mouth like a curse. “What do you want? I’ve kept my end of the bargain.” Akechi watched with a guarded expression as Maruki pulled up another chair next to Akira.
“Now, now, no need to be so hostile. This is not about our deal, you’ve been holding up your end of it as well as I could have hoped.” Akechi glanced down at Akira nervously, the monitors beeping frantically as his heart rate accelerated. Akira couldn’t hear this conversation. “I haven’t had to interfere for quite some time. That is until now,” Maruki continued, and as if he could sense exactly what Akechi was thinking, he reached over to stroke Akira’s hair; Akechi had to repress a shudder, skin crawling in revulsion seeing that man’s hand on the love of his life. “Don’t worry Akechi-kun. He won’t wake up. You won’t be breaking your promise to me.”
Part of him was relieved, but it was only because Akira hearing this would just make things so much worse. He was happy, mostly, in this reality, current circumstances notwithstanding. Everytime Akechi had broken that fragile peace it had just become hell.
“So what about all of this then? Was this all your doing then? Have you decided that you didn’t punish me enough after all?” Sick bastard.
“Not exactly.” Maruki had the damned nerve to look contrite. “I truly apologize, Akechi-kun. This was never supposed to happen but it seems I had overlooked a small detail when adjusting Akira-kun’s reality.”
“And what could that have possibly been?” He questioned.
“He wasn’t supposed to be able to leave.” Now that threw him for a loop. Akira wasn’t supposed to leave? Leave where? How did that fit with a ‘perfect’ reality?
“Explain.”
“Well, I’m working on expanding day by day but for now, in order to keep this reality stable, I have to limit it to a certain scope. I am only one person after all, even with all of this power. Setting up a world in which everyone’s wishes can come true, all the while making sure that any conflicts between them are smoothed out, is quite difficult.”
“Get to the point,” Akechi said with exasperation, trying and failing to keep his tone and face neutral.
“Well, if I were to use an analogy… think of it like a cell phone’s coverage zone, once you leave it you stop receiving service, in this case, my modifications to reality… no longer take.”
Oh. Oh.
Now everything made sense.
“You’re saying that because Akira and I left your ‘coverage zone’ that’s why I keeled over?” Since he was dead outside of this reality. Since he was Akira’s wish.
“Essentially, yes. Poor Akira-kun, this was quite a stressful time for him… I’m glad that even after everything he was able to see sense and call me for help.”
Akechi’s blood ran cold. All of this struggle, trying to break free from Maruki’s control only for him to be lobotomized into submission every time. Akechi had never managed to get Akira to remember the truth when he became aware again in Maruki’s reality, and now it all made sense: why would he want to remember if he chose this?
All this time he had given him the benefit of the doubt, believing that the hole in his memory was because Maruki had defeated them somehow, but now he couldn’t lie to himself any longer. They hadn’t lost because they had never fought in the first place, Akira had betrayed his dying wish, all because he was a helpless fool in love with him for some god forsaken reason and thus they were stuck here.
No matter how hard he tried, there had been no second chances, no do-overs. Akira’s choice last year had set them on this path with no off ramp, but if Maruki’s powers didn’t work outside of Tokyo did that mean… Akira finally remembered the truth?
He remembered and yet still brought them back! He had even called Maruki for help!
Anger and turmoil swirled around in his gut. Akira walked them right back into this hell again! Akechi could easily imagine what happened, Akira took one look at his lifeless body and crumbled like the weak, sentimental idiot that he was.
Maruki continued, “I made some alterations, but I’ll be counting on you as well to make sure that he doesn’t stray outside of Tokyo once more. Consider it part of our deal.”
Right, their deal.
Akechi always considered himself mentally strong, resilient against everything life had decided to throw at him. He had killed people without even flinching as he pulled the trigger. Even when he had his breakdown in the engine room, he still came out on top in the end, using his last semblance of will to prevail over his cognitive double, saving Akira and his friends, before losing his life in the process.
All of that mental strength was useless against someone like Maruki.
How could you be strong if you didn’t even remember to fight? He remembered how the first time it took months of domestic bliss with Akira for the truth to start to bubble up from where it was buried in the depths of his mind. He had realized that something wasn’t right. Details weren’t exactly as they should be. As the pieces started to click together more and more, everything felt off.
What he remembered was a watered down version of the true reality. They had met at the TV station where he was doing one of his many interviews and Akira had answered a question in a way that had intrigued him, but… what was the question? Try as he might to remember his mind was drawing a blank.
All he could recall were happy days playing billiards and darts at Penguin Sniper or intimate nights sharing virgin cocktails at Jazz Jin as the singer crooned in the background. Sometimes he would be waiting at Cafe Leblanc for Akira to appear after school, regularly beating him there since Akira’s commute from school was far longer than his. He came often, craving the coffee that he made just right. His heart always fluttered when they flirted across the counter as Akira worked his shift.
There were more reasons that he was there… but they escaped him.
He would regularly see Sojiro, Futaba, Mona, and… Wakaba. That woman gave him the chills and he could never figure out why, to the point that he started turning down family dinner invitations, despite how disappointed it made Akira.
All in all his life was happy, peaceful, if a bit busy. He had regular study dates with Akira where he’d help him with prepping for college entrance exams. They had periodic hangouts with their friend group, even if he felt a bit on the fringes sometimes. His grades in his first year of college were as good as they could be with juggling media appearances with a full load of college credits for the semester.
Everything should be fine, but he couldn’t help but feel that something was wrong, deep down. There was still something missing.
“Akira?” He had whispered one night, they had already climbed into bed and Akechi was spooning him from behind.
“Hmm…?” Akira had replied, sleepily. “What is it?”
“Does something not feel off to you?” This got Akira’s attention and he turned around in his arms to face him.
“Goro, what’s going on?’
“I don’t know, it's just… things seem weird.”
“Is it something with us?”
“No, no. Not that I promise,” Akechi had reassured him, gently kissing him on the forehead. “Just… in general.”
“Well whatever it is, you know you can always talk to me, okay?” as always, he had waited until Akechi nodded.
“Yes, I know.” They snuggled closer and eventually drifted off to sleep, ready to start yet another peaceful day.
The next day however, Shido’s sentencing was announced in the news. His useless father… the feelings of vitriol continued to simmer within him. He hated Shido so much for what he had done to him.
But… what had he done, exactly?
As he tried to recall it, both then and now, Akechi couldn’t remember.
He certainly hadn’t been a proper father to him, that was for sure, but there was more than that… there had to be more.
Akira was still fast asleep in their bed, taking full advantage of summer break to sleep in. He was watching the news, sipping a cup of mediocre coffee when his phone rang.
Mom, the screen read.
Of course she would want to call him about this. It was a vindication, a justice of sorts. His father was finally getting what he deserved after leaving them to rot.
He picked up the phone. “Hello.”
“Goro, sweetheart. Have you seen it… the news?”
“Yes.”
“Good. I hope this makes you happy, so you don’t have to deal with thinking about him anymore. We’re going to get everything he should’ve given to us in the first place. I know it’s a bit late for that but… I always hated not being able to spoil you like you deserved… Goro-kun.”
Was this what his mother’s voice sounded like?
He couldn’t remember.
He couldn’t remember.
That strange feeling washed over him again, a sense of dread amidst the chills.
“Mom, I have to go. We’ll talk later,” Akechi said quickly, hanging up before she could respond. He was breathing heavily, as if he had just managed to outrun something dangerous.
Akechi rushed back into his room, shaking Akira awake frantically.
“Goro?” He rubbed his eyes sleepily as he sat up in bed. “What is it?”
“Akira… something’s not right. I feel like I’m going crazy.” That caused Akira to snap awake, his expression focusing properly.
“What?”
“I feel like I don’t remember anything! Not anything important anyway. My mom called me just now… her voice didn’t sound familiar at all! That’s not normal. I don’t remember what we talked about when we first met, whenever I try to think about it it all becomes a blur. Those aren’t the only things either, it just keeps happening!” The words poured out of him. He couldn’t stop, all of the anxiety he had been bottling up releasing like a flood. “Everyday I feel like there’s a blank, like there’s something missing in my mind, like I’m losing pieces of myself.”
“Whoa, whoa. Calm down Goro.” Akira tried to grab onto his arm, but he wrenched it back as he started pacing hurriedly back and forth next to the bed. He couldn’t stay still right now, all of this frantic nervous energy had to come out.
“Why did I become a detective? How did I even become a detective when I was just in high school?” That in particular was needling at him. All the work, the sleepless nights, the missed classes, why would he bother with this? Why couldn’t he just be a normal high schooler?
“I… I don’t know, Goro. You never told me.” Why would he when he didn’t even know the reason.
“None of this makes any sense. My life doesn’t make any sense,” he admitted out loud, the harsh truth that had lived inside of his mind for months finally being shared.
“Wait, don’t say that,” Akira objected. “I don’t know where any of this is coming from Goro, but… I love you. I think our life together has been pretty great so far… why doesn’t it make sense?”
Why?
Why indeed? It took him a moment, but then he finally came to a realization. Everything had been so wonderful, he was so happy, until recently it didn’t feel like anything bad had happened at all. At least… not to him.
“It’s too perfect,” he whispered.
Reality shattered in front of him like a piece of broken glass, and all the memories came flooding in. All the pain and heartbreak that came with the true reality hitting him like a stab to the heart.
It was the most real thing he had felt in months.
Now, staring at Akira’s pitiful face, all he could feel was the love in his heart morphing into rage. Rage at the fact that Maruki did this, that he condemned him to this hell.
They had lost and now Akechi had to force everyone to swallow that bitter pill.
It was his absolute last resort to go at it all alone, but every single one of the Phantom Thieves had just looked at him with concern or even outright hostility when he had tried to wake them up. Akira had humored him but even he was convinced that Akechi needed to seek some form of therapy.
Fuck that. He was not crazy. Therapy was what had put them all into this mess to begin with.
So he left. He was on his own, just like before, it shouldn’t have been surprising. The thieves had been weak-willed before, it had taken Akira to wake them up and with him out of commission it wasn’t at all surprising that they wouldn’t listen to Akechi.
He knew this was his one chance to make things right. He had woken up for a reason, perhaps it was the universe giving him one last chance, maybe it was fate wanting to fuck him over one last time but dammit he was going to try.
All of the preparation had been for nothing; the moment he stepped into the palace at Odaiba he was swarmed by Shadows, more than one person could ever hope to handle, no matter their strength.
Fighting Maruki had been one big cosmic joke at his expense.
It wasn’t long after he had been beaten down and taken captive by the Shadows that Maruki showed up.
“Well, I must say I am quite surprised to see you here, Akechi-kun. Then again, you are quite the special case. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised, if anyone would manage to remember the prior reality, it would be you with that Detective’s mind of yours.” It sounded like an insult rather than a title. “Either you or Akira. After all, you are the only ones who remembered the first time.”
Ha. If only Akira remembered, maybe things would be different.
“Fuck you,” Akechi spat.
“Akechi-kun, I apologize. You and Akira-kun were happy in this reality, it’s due to my error that you are dealing with all of this pain right now. It must be so hard remembering all of that suffering.”
“What’s actually hard is living in this fake reality!” A fake reality he had no control over.
“That’s only because you remember your previous suffering and hardship. Don’t worry, I will fix it. I won’t make the same mistake again.”
Maruki snapped his fingers and that was it, his mind was empty, his thoughts nothing but domestic bliss all over again, for weeks, until tonight. Until once again he remembered how helpless he was.
Except this time when reality had shattered in front of his eyes once again Akechi didn’t even flinch. He gave no indication to Akira that what he had said had triggered the truth to bubble up from inside of him.
“Goro? You okay? Kinda spaced out a bit there, babe.” Akira looked at him with a soft smile lighting up his ethereal gray eyes, and Akechi schooled his expression into something neutral as quickly as he could. He was still so beautiful in this fake reality, it was difficult to pretend that staring at Akira’s face was a normal occurrence now. All the fake memories of their kisses and more haunted him. That was never their life, only their dreams, but yet he had stolen it all the same.
Akechi stood up abruptly from where he was sitting at the dining table. They had been having dinner after a long day at school and work respectively. It was the epitome of normalcy.
“I’m fine.” He couldn’t be here anymore, how could he just pretend that everything was okay? “I just forgot to mention that I have an important work thing tonight. I’ll be out late. Don’t wait up.”
He didn’t even bother to explain the truth. What was the point? He knew how it would turn out.
Akechi grabbed his briefcase and walked out, leaving their building in a rush, almost stumbling down the stairs. This entire place felt suffocating, just being there with the deluded version of his … was “lover” even the right word at this point? Before all of this business with Maruki, before the world had ended… they hadn’t even kissed.
Was Akira truly his lover if it had all taken place in a sea of oblivion? If none of it was real in any way that mattered?
He could only imagine what the real Akira would say.
“Maruki is just giving us what we desire, that desire was real, it always has been… even if you didn’t want it.” He would look contrite, as if he had forced Akechi into something he did not want, when that was the furthest thing from the case.
He wanted it far too much.
That’s why it was dangerous. It was a weakness, a chink in his armor that he could be manipulated with and Akira and Maruki both knew it.
He didn’t want to think about what could’ve happened if Akira had given in on that fateful day.
Then again, was this any different?
He walked along the bustling streets, just another face in the crowd, walked for hours until the sun went all the way down in the sky and his feet ached horribly. His attempt to clear his head had been an utter failure; he was finally awake and aware but still just as useless as the first time. His feet had almost subconsciously led him to a type of place he didn’t normally tread.
With a flash of his detective badge he was able to successfully fool the bartender into thinking he was of age and he proceeded to make full use of that assumption.
After a few drinks, the alcohol finally started dulling his racing thoughts and Akechi came to a depressing realization while staring at the bottom of his empty glass; he chuckled at the thoughts that arose in mirror to it. There was no point in trying anymore. This world was destined to remain a miserable facsimile of what it once was, eerily free of pain and suffering, and all the more dull and haunted for it. And yet, here he was all the same, a dead man walking, kept alive out of a twisted sort of love. A distorted desire if you would choose to think about it from that perspective, a callback of sorts to the times they ventured throughout humanity’s inner world.
“Another round,” Akechi demanded. The bar was mostly empty, as one would imagine on a random Tuesday night, but he didn’t care about the atmosphere, nor the fact that he was still technically under drinking age in Japan at nineteen. Right now he only cared about one thing.
Forgetting it all.
He kept drinking, but despite the booze, forgetting was impossible. Every post he scrolled by on social media were people talking about their perfect lives, along with every conversation he overheard around him, and even the news playing on the TV was overbearingly positive. He went to order more but then the lights in the bar turned up.
It was closing time.
Akechi hadn’t even realized it had gotten so late already, so lost in the sea of his own mind. He paid his tab, his hand shaking as he signed the receipt, and left hurriedly, not wanting to be recognized in the light.
The exhaustion of being up so late, the alcohol, and all the emotional turmoil, weighed on him. He was swaying as he walked, unused to partaking so much. His stomach rolled and he prayed that he wouldn’t suffer the indignity of throwing up on the side of the road.
He stumbled into a nearby alleyway and sat on the ground, just existing for a while as he waited for the effects of the alcohol to fade. Alone with nothing but his thoughts he continued to ruminate on his unsettling realizations from earlier.
Akechi couldn’t do this any longer, it was clear that escape from any other path had been cut off. He had to take advantage of the moment before it was far too late. He opened up his briefcase, and inside just as he had left it, was his handgun. His hands didn’t even tremble as he picked it up, checked the magazine to make sure it was loaded, and flicked off the safety in a practiced motion.
He knew he was taking the “easy” way out. That he was leaving Akira behind, but the pain of living in this fake reality was too much to bear. He couldn’t think about what would happen after he was gone, he had to do this.
He pressed the barrel of the gun right under his chin, closed his eyes, and took a deep breath. This was the end of the great Detective Prince Goro Akechi, sitting in an alley filled with garbage and smelling like piss, absolutely shit faced.
How fitting.
Click.
The gun was empty. No bullets. “What the hell?” Akechi questioned, confused, checking the gun again, his heartbeat hammering in his chest adrenaline coursing through his veins due to his brush with death.
“I’m disappointed, Akechi-kun. Is this reality truly so bad?” He looked up to see Maruki looking down on him with an unreadable expression from the alleyway entrance. Of course the bullets disappeared from his gun. He clearly wasn’t even allowed the respite of death.
“What do you think?” Akechi snapped without thinking, before going pale in horror as he realized the possible ramifications of that. Maruki was basically a god now. He could do anything… he shouldn’t upset him.
“Come now, walk with me.” Maruki held out his hand to help Akechi up from the ground and he knew he couldn’t refuse; fighting back was pointless. They walked for a few minutes before reaching a bench. Maruki gestured for Akechi to sit down and he complied.
“So, Akechi-kun,” Maruki started once they had both settled down on the bench. “I have quite the dilemma now. After the events a few weeks ago, I’ve been monitoring you and Akira quite closely. I wanted to make sure that my previous adjustments continued to operate smoothly so you two could have a peaceful life.” Considering he was here, clearly that didn’t turn out like Maruki had hoped. “However, this is becoming difficult. You seem to be resistant to my power in ways I didn’t expect.” A whole lot of good that resistance was doing for him now. “Now every time your mind rejects my reality you end up acting in a way that agitates Akira-kun. Especially with this latest stunt.” Maruki shook his head in dismay. “How do you think he’d react to your death, Akechi-kun? I wish you understood the impact that your actions have. It’s unfortunate that this keeps happening, but I don’t want to compromise on his happiness. I apologize. It truly isn’t my intention to hurt you in this way.”
He knew. Akechi knew exactly what Maruki was implying.
“Please don’t…” The words escaped Akechi against his will, drawn out in a pitiful whimper. The crushing weight of Maruki’s power reshaping the very core of his being terrified him. All that mental strength that had powered him through his life, the essential fabric of his survival, had been torn to shreds.
“I thought that coming to explain it to you would help but, even now seeing how happy Akira-kun has been, you still resist my reality.”
He couldn’t do it. Not again. He would lose himself completely. This time Akechi was certain that he wouldn’t come back, he would never be the same. Something fundamental had been broken inside of him. The pride that he had always held onto so tightly crumbled away. To prevent the end of himself he would have to sacrifice his very dignity.
“What if I don’t?” He asked, and Maruki looked at him confused.
“What do you mean?”
“The whole purpose of this is so that I don’t upset Akira anymore right? Then I won’t, I’ll play along, I’ll be your little pet who asks how high when you tell me to jump. Just… please-” His voice caught, the desperation leaking through. “Please just leave me be. I don’t want to forget again…”
He waited with bated breath as Maruki seemed to contemplate his offer, putting his very fate in the hands of a madman.
“Very well, let’s see how this goes.” The implicit threat of what would happen if things didn’t go to Maruki’s liking hanging heavily in the air.
Akechi hated how relieved he felt, despite the fact that he was condemning himself to hell again, just a different variety. Maybe it was what he deserved.
Thus began the performance of a lifetime.
He laughed and smiled with Akira. They shared gentle kisses and stupid arguments. If he didn’t look too closely this could be the perfect life that he had always wished for. But he could never forget the truth.
This was all a lie.
He played along, pretending to be a perfect little drone like the rest of them. Performing the act of Goro Akechi, celebrity detective and Akira Kurusu’s loving boyfriend. There was no escape, this was just self preservation, it didn’t matter what he felt. Not the way his heart fluttered when treated with one of Akira’s smiles, not the way he blushed when Akira was flirting with him and teasing him nonstop, and especially not the warm feeling that filled his chest as they spooned in bed, ready to fall asleep after a long day. None of it was real, none of it mattered.
He thought this would be how he would spend the rest of his days until he figured out how to finally end himself in a way that would take.
Akechi had never realized that the method to do so would be so deceptively simple. How had he never thought to leave the city earlier?
His deal with Maruki persisted even after their encounter at the hospital, but he was certain it wouldn’t be for much longer. Once he was discharged from the hospital, Akechi had nothing to do as he recovered but to think about the new revelations bouncing around in his mind, barely paying any attention to Akira’s fussing over him.
Akira had betrayed the Phantom Thieves, had betrayed everyone… for him.
A part of him was disgusted. How could Akira be so selfish, the opposite of the person that Akechi had always thought he was. How could he go against his ridiculously naive ideals that he spouted all of the time, and more importantly Akechi’s own wishes.
Another part of him was upset at himself for being so gullible, so trusting, so blinded by love that he had pushed aside the obvious answer. He ignored the blank in his memory just so that he didn’t have to face the truth, deluding himself into thinking that they had lost to Maruki.
But for the first time in so long, there was a glimmer of hope, a light at the end of the tunnel. There was an escape from this reality, and it was waiting right outside the city border. His end, the oblivion that he had craved for so long, it had been so close this entire time. What a twisted joke.
He had to do it alone. Akira would only drag him back to this reality, just like before, just like every other time he was offered the choice. He would betray Akechi’s desire again and again just to have him. He couldn’t let Akira steal his choice away again.
“You look happy,” Akira commented one night. He had moved in officially now and they were curled up on the couch watching TV before bed.
“Do I, really?”
“Yeah, you seem… I don’t know, lighter, I guess? Not sure how to describe it.”
The burden he’d been carrying had been lifted from his shoulders. Clearly he wasn’t doing a good job of hiding it.
“Maybe I’m just glad I finally have you all to myself here.”
“Oh? Possessive much?” Akira retorted and Akechi responded with a kiss, distracting him from traveling down that line of thought any further.
He was being quiet, biding his time; he knew Maruki had an eye on him, cautious after this newfound knowledge had been shared, but Akechi was no fool. He knew he only had one chance and he would not mess up, not this time.
He recovered fully, the weather cleared up from the dreariness of winter and the cherry blossoms were in full bloom. It was April and Akira was starting his first semester as a college student. As an expected deviation from his usual routine, Akechi dropped Akira off at school for the first day.
“Thanks babe, for taking me today,” Akira said, giving him a quick peck on the lips before exiting the car. “Love you!” He called out as he closed the passenger door before heading into campus.
“Love you too.” Akechi’s heart ached as he watched Akira walk off into the distance. He hoped Akira wouldn’t pick up on the emotion in his voice.
That was it.
This was the end.
He couldn’t do it any other way. He had already said his goodbyes in his own way. Akira would be happy here. Maruki would make sure of it.
Akechi drove off, towards the city limits. He knew he didn’t have much time before Maruki caught wind of what he was doing. He had to make it count. After last time he couldn’t take any chances.
The morning rush hour traffic was to be expected, even if it made him tap his fingers on the steering wheel nervously every second passing by worsening his anxiety but after an hour of crawling along on the highway he made it.
Now that he knew what he was looking for, the barrier was obvious. The shimmer in the air, eerily reminiscent of Mementos, was right in front of him. He had pulled off the highway and parked on a side street. No one was around, though he could hear the hustle and bustle of the main road a few blocks away.
His muscles were trembling, as he pressed his hand against the barrier. It was one thing to accept death when you had no other choice in the end. It was another to walk right towards something completely unknown. He didn’t know what awaited him. He presumed nothing since that’s all he remembered from before, when he had fallen unconscious. Akira had said he died that day, the doctors managed to bring him back to life with the miracle of a defibrillator.
There could be anything on the other side of the barrier, it could be the oblivious he craved, it could be worse. He could only hope he would get to see his mother again, instead of one of Maruki’s cheap soulless copies.
The shimmering of the barrier in front of him taunted him with the possibilities, and now that he had been here long enough he noticed it inching along the ground bit by bit. Maruki was growing his power, soon enough he wouldn’t be limited by Tokyo any longer.
It was now or never.
He took a step forward, half of his foot penetrating the barrier, and stumbled backwards when his phone rang, shrill and loud in his pocket, completely unexpectedly.
Akechi knew who was calling.
Was it fate? Or was it divine intervention by this world’s new god.
He picked it up regardless.
“Hey, Goro.”
“You’re calling early. I thought you were still in class,” Akechi replied neutrally, trying not to give away just what he had been intending to do.
“Yeah, the professor let class out early, said this was just a syllabus day, no point in keeping us for the full time. Anyway, can you come pick me up? Please…” Akira begged sweetly. “I don’t know anyone here, I don’t wanna be all alone.”
Alone.
That damnable part of him that was too attached couldn’t help but think about what would happen to Akira when he was gone. If he wanted this world, then he wanted happiness… then he wanted Akechi.
He knew what Maruki would do, if Akira couldn’t have the real one then he'd just make another soulless copy. Just like Shido’s palace there would be another him, a fake running around stealing his life.
Stealing his love.
Akira would be going about his life day after day, none the wiser that he was in love with an imposter. All in pursuit of his hollow happiness. Would Akira finally realize that it wasn’t him? Would he wake up only to find him already dead and gone? Would he have these same conversations with Maruki?
God damn it! He couldn’t leave him behind. It didn’t matter that he was throwing away his final chance. It didn’t matter that Akira had violated his agency again and again… Akira had loved him to the point of betraying humanity… How could he not feel that pain, that misery his love brought, and how could he not reciprocate it in spades instead of leaving it all to some fake?
In the end Akira managed, like he always did, to crush Akechi’s will into fine dust, and his voice in his ear was the wind blowing it all away. He was helpless to stop it.
“Well, if you’re asking so nicely, how can I refuse?” Akechi agreed, walking back towards where he parked his car. “Should I pick up some groceries for dinner on the way back? I’m pretty out of the way right now,” he continued nonchalantly, as if nothing had happened and he wasn’t walking back towards the very hell Akira wished for.
Now it was just life.