Chapter Text
the room smells of sex. it always does now, it's like sex is the only way they know how to come close, the only way jonghyun can see kibum loose and raw. kibum pushes up and in, and jonghyun groans, raking nails down hard on kibum's shoulders. 'you're so tiny,' kibum whispers, guttural, breathless. his fingers dig into jonghyun's thighs. 'i could break you.' his voice cracks into an expletive as jonghyun clenches tight around him, and jonghyun smiles at kibum's desperate moans.
'i would let you,' he wants to say, but his words are stolen away as kibum's thrust pulls him into orgasm, pleasure breaking over his skin, thoughts and words lost to sensation. 'fuck,' kibum gasps into his ear, as the orgasm bleeds away. 'fuck.' he kisses jonghyun's ear and then pulls out of him, rolling the condom off his cock.
it's typical, but jonghyun averts his eyes, the latex sheath offends him, a manifestation of the layers that kibum puts between himself and other people, that prevent anyone from understanding his heart. jonghyun wants to understand his heart, wants to tug out his soul from in between his ribs, cut away all the shields. but even in sex, even when they're rutting together, skin and sweat, kibum manages to keep him out.
'why do you still wear that?' he asks, and he hates that he sounds plaintive, hates that he sounds pathetic. 'i don't have any diseases, and neither do you.'
'what? this?' kibum lifts the used condom in his hand. 'i just like how it feels.' he turns his gaze away from jonghyun, casually flipping the condom into the bin.
'bullshit,' jonghyun says, softly, the way he always says these things, the things he wants kibum to realize, but is also terrified to tell him. and most of the time, kibum doesn't hear him, or pretends he doesn't. jonghyun doesn't really want kibum to hear him; the moment kibum acknowledges them, jonghyun will have to confront their issues, to try to fix them, or allow them to fall apart. he doesn't want to risk them falling apart. having kibum like this, is better than no kibum at all, right?
'what did you say?' kibum says, turning back to him.
'nothing,' jonghyun whispers. 'come back here.'
'go wash up first, silly,' kibum says, shaking his head. and his smile is affectionate.
jonghyun wants a kibum who will cuddle with him after sex, who'll tenderly wipe him off, chase him to the shower and end up kissing under the water. he wants a kibum who will make love to him without a plastic shield. instead he has this kibum, dark, quiet, dangerous, sharp eyes and sinful mouth, who can make you desire him with a just a slight upturn of his lip. he has kibum, whose laughter is loud and obnoxious and who laughs at everything, and even if it sounds fake you can't tell what's really underneath. he has kibum who fucks him until he begs, until he forgets his name, his history, his life, everything except kibum kibum kibum. the name hanging off his tongue like poison, like drugs.
'you're fucked up, you know,' his best friend tells him. 'to stay with him.'
'fuck off, ming.' but he knows minho is right.
he knows what kibum is, has known since the first time they had seen each other, in the shadowy corners of a club that his wildchild younger cousin, taemin, had dragged him to. he had seen the way kibum walked, seen the prowling predator underneath the too beautiful human skin, seen the way girls would grind against him, more than just that one dance on offer. but kibum had looked over their heads and seen jonghyun, sitting in the shadows nursing a drink, and had walked up and introduced himself. and jonghyun still remembers the way kibum had leaned his hip against the edge of the table, still remembers that sliver of skin flashing out above his lowslung jeans. still remembers the way his own stomach had tightened and his mouth had turned dry.
it had been taemin who had found them later, heatedly making out in a corner booth, and jonghyun hadn't even felt ashamed.
kibum makes him want to do things he never does, kibum makes him want to be crazy.
kibum is making him crazy.
but jonghyun had been the one who'd asked him to stay, jonghyun had been the one who opened the door, and jonghyun is the one who is still staying. addicted to the taste of kibum's mouth and skin, addicted to the maddening laugh, in thrall to the power in his eyes.
he hates kibum, but he loves him too.
~-~
you live with me but i don't know anything about the life you lead.
we sleep in the same bed but i don't know any of your dreams.
last night you shifted in your sleep and you flung your arms around me
and i wondered
does he know who he's holding?
jonghyun is lonely, it's an ache that seems to intensify even when he's with kibum. he's together with someone but completely alone. in love with a dream, obsessed with an illusion. sometimes he watches minho with his wife, watches the way they look at each other, the way they whisper private personal jokes, watches how sometimes they'll just touch, nothing sexual, just linked fingers and palms pressed close. intimacy, closeness, trust. things that jonghyun doesn't experience with kibum. they flirt and laugh and joke but he still doesn't know what lies under kibum's skin, what secrets he keeps, what dodges away beneath every blast of his laughter. kibum keeps him out with his laughter and his charm, keeps everything sacred except his body, and even that he doesn't give whole.
when they started, it hadn't mattered. all he wanted was to push away kibum's clothes and get to his skin, take teeth to the flawless expanse, leave bruises, brand him and get branded in return. time turned hazy around them, every free moment caught up in finding different ways to make each other gasp and scream. sometimes jonghyun would go to work on shaky legs, mind drugged on the ecstasy of kibum, hickeys on display. eunsook would slide eyes over to him and tighten her lips, and invariably minho would call that night. it probably wasn't the best idea to be working in the same company as his best friend's wife.
jonghyun thinks kibum must love him, in some way. must care for him, somehow. because he usually didn't stay with people, he jumped from person to person, leaving them in a whirlwind of lust and desire. taemin said so. and taemin would know, because he went to clubs far too often.
'he's different about you,' taemin said. and for a while that had been enough.
but now jonghyun wants more, wants to dig deeper, wants to understand the material that makes up kibum's soul, the parts of he doesn't give over, stories he covers up with too many smiles.
'maybe he's a secret agent,' jonghyun tells minho and eunsook. 'maybe that's why he's so private and never wants to tell me anything real about his life.'
eunsook hums. 'maybe,' she agrees. she's always been a little kinder than her husband.
'bullshit,' minho snorts. 'he's just fucked up. one of those people who don't ever let other people in. you're wasting your time.'
'i love him,' jonghyun says quietly.
'i know,' minho says. and his tone softens. 'but jonghyun, you need to love yourself too.'
'he loves me.'
minho doesn't answer, just looks at him. and his big eyes are sad pools of sympathy jonghyun thinks he could drown in.
'you never know,' eunsook says, breaking the silence. 'he might.'
jonghyun closes his eyes and lets his head fall on her shoulder and tries to pretend the tears leaking out from under his eyelashes aren't there.
~-~
'do you love me?'
he doesn't mean to ask; it trips out of his mouth by accident. they are lying on the bed again, and he can almost feel indents in his hips from where kibum's fingers had gripped too hard. his body aches, but in a good way. his heart aches too, and that isn't as good.
'does that matter?' kibum's voice is lethargic.
'of course it does.'
the pause lasts too long before kibum speaks again. 'do you love me?'
'of course i do!' jonghyun can feel rage tiptoeing on the edges of his voice.
'you answered that really quickly.'
'kibum…'
'let's not talk about the love thing. this is okay right?'
but i want to, i want to. jonghyun wants to scream at him.
but kibum has already turned away and is apparently sleeping.
i hate you, jonghyun thinks. i hate how much i want you.
~-~
it falls apart. like everything is wont to do. they fall apart, and jonghyun watches as kibum lets it happen.
they don't talk about that night, when jonghyun laid his feelings bare and kibum had politely shut him out. they don't talk about what jonghyun had demanded and what kibum couldn't give. they don't talk.
instead, they fuck. they fuck because jonghyun is angry and he doesn't know how to say it except in nails drawing blood from kibum's back, and teeth nipping at skin. they fuck because kibum kisses jonghyun every time he tries to bring up the conversation, and the curl of his tongue still makes jonghyun's head go blank. they fuck because jonghyun wants kibum, still wants kibum, wants him naked and hard, wants his low voice dark and throaty in his ear, wants his fingers and tongue in places that make him scream, that make him forget. wants kibum and gets him in every way. except the way to his heart.
'i can't do this anymore.' jonghyun sounds exhausted even to himself.
kibum looks directly at him, eyebrows raised. 'do what? me?' the cocky half-smile still makes something like heat coil in jonghyun's gut. he hates himself.
'no, this.' he waves a hand around them, the scattered clothes, the messed up bed, the two of them, unclothed and open, except where it matters most. 'us, whatever we are. i can't do this anymore.'
something in kibum's eyes flickers like shock. 'okay,' he says slowly, after a beat. he reaches out for his clothing. 'i can go.'
jonghyun wants to laugh, wildly, crazily. laugh like there's nothing else he knows how to do, laugh because he doesn't understand this, has never understood. 'why don't you want to fight for this? why don't you ever want to fight?' the second question is soft, almost rhetorical, and maybe kibum realizes, because he doesn't answer.
'you don't have to go now,' jonghyun says wearily, when the question remains unanswered. 'you can go in the morning. it's late.' he turns away because he doesn't want to look at kibum anymore, at his collected visage, at his calm acceptance of this. calm acceptance in the face of the turmoil in jonghyun's chest. he wants kibum to scream, wants kibum to protest. he wants kibum to show him that somewhere underneath there's something that wants to keep jonghyun.
'jonghyun, wait.' kibum's voice stops him in his tracks. 'where are you going?'
'to sleep on the sofa.' he curses the hop his heart had made.
'i can do that.'
'no,' jonghyun says, without turning his head. 'i can't stay in there, not after-' he cuts himself off, unasked for images of kibum's face screwed up in pleasure rising to the forefront of his brain, of kibum's tongue flat against his stomach muscles, of kibum's lips wrapped around his cock.
'fuck,' he whispers to himself, feeling that familiar heat dive into his lower regions. he walks quickly away without finishing the sentence, letting the door close quietly behind him.
the next morning, when jonghyun wakes up, the bed is made, their mess cleaned up, and kibum is gone.
it's over, he tells himself. he pretends the tears on his cheeks are of relief.
~-~
when you asked me if i loved you, i didn't know the answer. when you told me you wanted to end what we had, i didn't know what to say or do, except give you what you wanted. what were we? i never answered, and you never really asked. but i could see the question in your eyes.
you're an open book, you know that? kim jonghyun, sings like an angel, cries at trivial things, wears his heart on his sleeve. you love me, you said. and i, i don't know what i feel for you.
i want you. want to bury myself under your skin and imagine i could be something less empty.even now that it's all over and i have no more right to touch you, i want you. we were good together, i think. if only in the bed. but shouldn't that mean something?
you never liked it that i didn't talk about serious things, about my feelings. but i wasn't sure what feelings you wanted to hear about or if i even had any. i just wanted you, spread under me, needy and willing. and you wanted me too. still do, i think.
what were you looking for, when you asked all the questions? what kind of promises were you searching for, that i couldn't give? it's over now, and there's a strange pain in my chest. i don't know what it means.
you were meant to be just another game, just one more boy. but you let me in and asked me to stay and you were a temptation i couldn't resist. i liked being loved, liked having someone care. i stayed past my welcome maybe, that you had to ask me to go.
i couldn't say i love you too, because i still don't know if i do. i couldn't make you promises about the future because i don't know what comes next. all i knew was i wanted you, in the here and now. day by day. why wasn't that enough?
i think...i miss you.