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The bar was almost empty but Joker wasn't anywhere near ready to go home. He was a regular here – had been since the Alliance grounded him – and the bartender did a good job making sure no one bothered him. The press hounded him for a while, looking for insights on the great Commander Shepard, what went wrong, and was it really the geth that decimated the SR-1. The conspiracy theorists were the worst, saying that Shepard was still alive and in some lab somewhere and that the whole Normandy-destruction thing was actually masterminded by the Council to knock humanity down a peg or three.
“Joker, you've got about 10 minutes. You don't have to go home...”
“But I can't stay here,” the pilot smiled wryly. “You need some new material, Brutus.”
The turian behind the bar chuckled and continued cleaning glasses and wiping down the bar. “Why don't you work in the civilian sector? I know a few companies who would pay pretty well for a pilot who flies as well as you claim to.”
“Claim to?” Joker scoffed. “Please. I stole the Normandy, ran her through the test track in record time while C-Sec was shooting at me. That meant I had to memorize the manuals, the flight controls, all of it in a matter of minutes. You show me another pilot who could've pulled that off. I'm the best fucking pilot the galaxy has ever seen.”
Brutus clicked his mandibles and shook his head. He was going to make a tasteless joke about Joker's skills not being enough to save the Normandy, but knew it wouldn't go over well at all. Joker wasn't drunk, but he'd had enough in him that if the turian kept at him, things would get ugly.
Joker drained his glass and asked Brutus for one more. The turian looked at the clock, then the empty glass, then at Joker's despondent face before relenting. “You know, you keep this shit up and you'll get me fired.”
“You own the place, you ass,” Joker grumbled.
“C-Sec could shut me down.”
“But they won't because of what you do for them.”
It was true – Brutus did take a risk whenever he let Joker stay too long but he was also in good with the Citadel Security forces. Not only did they frequent the bar (in very small groups), but Brutus also came into a lot of information on a very regular basis. Information he happily passed along to whatever officer was present. Brutus lost his bondmate to mercenary crossfire and he vowed to do what he could to help keep people safe.
Because of what you do for them
His heart seized and his thoughts instantly went to Shepard. Because of what you did for me, he thought bitterly. He should have been the one to die. It was his stupid fondness for that fucking ship that kept him from following the 'abandon ship' protocols. He was the reason she died. Very few people knew it – they thought she had just stayed behind to make sure the Normandy was empty. Kaidan knew the truth and Kaidan hated him for it.
Joker and Kaidan had been best friends on the ship. They would tease each other mercilessly about whatever topic was close at hand – Joker's fragile bones, his limp, his piss-poor poker face, Kaidan's Dudley Do-Right attitude, that damn bump in his hair, his suppressed feelings for the Commander. When Joker's pod hit Alchera's frozen tundra, it took Kaidan all of 10 minutes to find him. And when he saw that Joker was alone in the pod, it took Wrex, Garrus, and Liara to hold him back. Joker didn't care – he hoped Kaidan would break free from Liara's stasis and Wrex and Garrus's grip and kill him. It was what he deserved.
Joker quickly finished his beer, settled his tab, and said good night to Brutus. The ambient lighting on the Citadel was gradually growing brighter, indicating the start of the day cycle. Joker shoved his hands in his pockets and hurried as best he could back to his apartment, his thoughts still reflecting on what brought him to this point.
It had been several months after the attack before Kaidan reached out to Joker. The pilot sent his former friend a message filled with apologies and regrets. He knew Kaidan saw it, but he never responded. Joker took the hint and left well enough alone. Garrus kept in touch for a while, but he seemed to have disappeared. Tali was back with the fleet, Wrex returned to Tuchanka. Liara was the only one who had stayed in contact with him. She was the one to encourage him to send Kaidan the message, then advised him to just let it go for now.
“They loved each other,” she gently reminded him. “He's probably going to be angry for a very long time.”
That was ok with Joker. As much as he missed his friend, he almost welcomed the frigid shoulder. Seeing the pain on Kaidan's face during the never-ending memorial tributes made his own guilt feel more raw than the day they were attacked.
Once all the debriefings finished and reassignments handed out, they started shitting on all the things Shepard accomplished. Reapers? We dismissed that claim. It was the geth. It was always the geth. The Normandy went down because Shepard went against orders. The claims the Council made were just ridiculous. Joker started avoiding the news at all costs – he couldn't bear to see the woman he'd admired, the woman who had saved the Council and the whole of the Citadel, who saved him, treated worse than varren shit.
It was about this time that a message came from Kaidan. A tentative olive branch in the form of an offer to meet for a drink. Joker was going to ignore it, but Liara persuaded him to go. “Let him talk, Joker. You two were such good friends and things ended in a terrible way. I think Shepard would think so, too,” she said.
So Joker went. The former friends sat across from each other in a booth at the bar Joker liked to go to. He couldn't look Kaidan in the eye, staring instead at the shot glass in front of him. Kaidan didn't say anything at first but Joker could feel the tension roll off him in waves. He winced when Kaidan finally inhaled to speak.
When the Normandy went down and Kaidan found Joker's pod, he hadn't been that angry since he killed Vyrnnus at BAaT. He wanted to kill Joker on Alchera and he would have, too, if their friends hadn't stepped in. He refused therapy at first, stating he didn't need it. Liara convinced him it would help. She pointed out how heavily he'd been drinking and how withdrawn he'd become. Yes, his anger and grief was natural, but if he continued doing what he was doing, he'd destroy himself.
So Kaidan started seeing someone – 3 times a week to start. He refused medication, relying instead on the meditative techniques Liara had shown him to help with his migraines. His anger was soon replaced by intense grief, but his therapist was there to help him through that, too. The frequency of his visits gradually went down to two a month. There were still some rough days, but Kaidan had a support network in place to help him deal with his turmoil.
Kaidan sighed and Joker waited for him to continue, not sure what to say himself. It felt strange, having Kaidan here talking to him like this. It reminded him of their late night bullshit sessions in the cockpit when it was Kaidan's turn to pull duty. Joker's heart ached and he realized just how much he missed his friend.
When Kaidan spoke again, he told Joker he finally realized Shepard's death wasn't his fault. It was whoever had been commanding the ship that attacked them. Joker did what any pilot would have done – he tried to save the ship. And Shepard did what Shepard always did – she made sure her people were safe.
“I want you to know I don't blame you anymore, Joker,” he finished softly. “It isn't your fault she died. I'm not ready for things to be what they were, but I have missed you and if you ever want to call or something...”
Joker pressed his lips together and fought to keep the lump in his throat from escaping as the inevitable sob. All he did was nod, afraid that if he spoke, he'd lose what little control he had over his emotions.
Kaidan nodded and exhaled, seemingly satisfied with the way things went. He excused himself, saying he had to get back to work. He picked up the tab, then offered his hand. Joker hesitated for only a second before gripping it, pulling himself up, and wrapping his arms around his biotic friend.
“Thank you,” he finally managed before stepping back. Kaidan gave him a warm smile and left.
Joker sat back down and stared out of the window as a tear slid down his cheek. He quickly wiped it away, willing himself to not cry in the middle of the bar. Kaidan was right – their friendship changed the day the Normandy went down. Hell, Joker thought it was lost forever but maybe they could get some of that camaraderie back.
Brutus wandered over, drying a glass. “You good?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah,” Joker muttered. “I just never expected that. Not from him, anyway.”
“You two were close?” the turian hesitated.
“What? No, not like that,” Joker grinned. “Kaidan was in love with Commander Shepard and he blamed me for her death.”
Brutus cocked his head and flicked his mandibles. “And that's worse than you blaming yourself?”
Joker glanced up at the turian from under the bill of his cap. “I don't know. Six of one, half a dozen of the other, I guess. I don't expect anything will actually come of it, though. I mean, you don't get over that kind of anger overnight. You just don't.”
“But it's a start,” Brutus said with finality.
“Yeah, I guess it is. I just hope nothing else goes wrong that puts me back on his bad side, you know? He's a good guy and usually really easy to get along with, but you don't want to piss him off.”
Brutus chuckled as he returned to his spot behind the bar. Joker's conversation with Kaidan put him in a better mood than he'd been in a long time. It had been hard, watching everyone else on the ship work through their grief and apparently move on while he was still stuck with the guilt of what happened. Maybe Kaidan's olive branch was what Joker needed to finally start putting the past behind him and move on, too.
Just then, his omnitool pinged. He hesitated before answering – it wasn't a name or number he recognized. He had as many reporters' numbers blocked as he could but one or two still managed to get through. Curiosity got the better of him, though, and he accepted the call.
“Mr. Moreau? I'm calling you on behalf of a prominent humanitarian organization and we're looking for a pilot. I was told you were one of the best.”