Work Text:
Mei: Who’s watching the Winter Classic?
Amber: I’m at my parents, we’re having a huge party. The kids and their cousins have already formed a hive mind.
Mei: I’ve got it on in the shop.
Carmella: Girl, are you working on New Year’s eve?
Mei: No one is coming in tonight, but a lot of people’s anniversaries are tomorrow, so I have a ton of prep to do.
Carmella: Aww to all the people getting married on New Year’s Day!
Latonya: New year, new family I guess, lol
Nasreen: I’ve got sound check. Tell me if Scott Hunter’s cute boyfriend is wearing the sweater
Nasreen: I think this year’s design is so iconic. I want one.
DJ Meow Meow: I’m out too, gotta work on New Year’s set.
Amber: Girl, Kip is cute in everything.
Jane: I could have my buddy send you one, if you want.
Nasreen: !!!!??????!!!!?????
Nasreen: Is your buddy Scott Hunter or what?
Jane: You guys aren’t friends with other hockey players?
Nasreen: NOT ONES FROM NEW YORK
Jane: Oh.
Amber: I know we said we wouldn’t ask, so I won’t but I just need to say that I am literally dying to know why you know Scott fucking Hunter and we still don’t know anything about you except that you like fitness and real estate and you don’t have to tell me but I seriously can’t keep it inside.
… Jane is typing…
… Jane is typing…
… Jane is typing…
… Jane is typing…
Crystal: Jesus Christ, I go to one brunch and you bitches are bullying the new girl. Jane, don’t say shit to these gossiping hoes.
Jane: I feel like I should, though. You guys have been nothing but friendly with me and I don’t even tell you my real name.
!!! Emoji: Amber, Nasreen, Crystal, Mei, Carmella, DJ Meow Meow
Nasreen: I gotta go, but baby if you get me that Scott Hunter sweater, I’ll kill for you and I never have to know your name because I know your heart.
Pink heard emoji: Jane
Amber: Seriously Jane, or Barbara or Scott Hunter himself, just because I say I want something doesn’t meant mean you’ve got to give it to me. I can handle a little mystery.
Crystal: Okay, but what if Roz was in a thruuple with Kip and Scott Hunter?
Sveta: Jane doesn’t like to share, remember?
Jane: Guys, I’m literally right here. And I’m not Scott Hunter, ew.
Jane: Wait, not because he’s gay.
Jane: Because he’s old.
Laughing emoji: Amber, Crystal, Mei, Carmella, Sveta
Amber: I’m dying to speculate about this relationship you have with Scott Hunter. Can I just say random shit and you don’t have to confirm or deny anything if you don’t want to?
Jane: It’s a free WAGs chat.
Amber: No, I’m serious, it’s more important that you’re having a good time, I wouldn’t do anything to make you uncomfortable
Jane: I’m having fun, as long as nobody gets upset that I can’t say anything.
Amber: Can’t? Girl, are you being held against your will? Winkyface emoji if we have to mount a rescue.
Tongue out emoji: Jane
Jane: Not really can’t. More like it would have dire consequences if I did. And not just for me.
Amber: Okay, so we know that you know Scott Hunter
Crystal: Or someone on his team.
Amber: Right, or someone on his team
Amber: And we know you’re really into fitness. Like obsessed with it.
Crystal: And she’s not from Boston.
Amber: OMG, do you work for the New York Admirals?
Crystal: She can’t, she’s in real estate and also she doesn’t just know Scott Hunter, she asked us if we didn’t know other players, as in plural. She knows more players than just Scott.
Jane: Wow. I really need to keep my mouth shut.
Amber: Noooooo. Never shut up!!!!
Jane: I’m just realizing how transparent I am without even trying. The opposite of trying, even.
Amber: So we’re helping you with your stealthiness.
Laughing emoji: Jane
Mei: I had to talk to a vendor. Jane is maybe Scott Hunter all of a sudden?
Crystal: No, she can’t be Scott. Keep up.
Mei: Okay, I’m making tea and scrolling back.
Amber: All right. Provided that you’re really in real estate, and that you know several hockey players outside the Bears, plus you’re not from Boston…
Amber: Do you own a stadium?
Crystal: OMG she owns the stadium
Jane: That’s a big jump. There are a lot of commercial property opportunities that intersect with Hockey without being a stadium.
Crystal: Okay miss real estate pants, what would those be?
Jane: parking lots, merch stores, training camps, event facilities who have ongoing contracts with their local teams. Probably others that I can’t think of right now.
Amber: Okay, but nobody’s going to care if Roz is dating a parking lot owner.
Crystal: So it has to be something juicy and maybe forbidden.
Jane: What if it’s my career on the line if people find out I’m dating Roz? He could be perfectly safe.
Crystal: That’s a good point, Roz has never been picky.
Mei: Are you in the mob?
Jane: ????
Jane: I just spit out my drink.
Mei: What if it’s one of those romance novels and you’re like a Bratva princess or something?
Jane: I had to google that. And I can 100% say that no, I am not a Bratva princess.
Crystal: Girl, are you in a cult? Like is your dad the pastor of a mega church?
Jane: ???
Crystal: Like, what if your religion thinks hockey is a sin or something.
Jane: I’m not religious.
Jane: I meditate, I guess. If that’s a religion.
Crystal: It can be. It depends. Are you meditating in a religious way? Like, are you meditating on the Tao or whatever?
Jane: No, usually just visualizing.
Crystal: Visualizing what?
Jane: Success.
Amber: So, you meditate on costs per square foot or what?
Jane: Yes.
Amber: Girl, do you have any hobbies at all?
Jane: Running.
Amber: No, like slower ones.
Jane: Hiking.
Amber: You are hopeless.
Jane: I told you guys I was boring.
Amber: No, there’s more to you than that. Boring people aren’t funny, and you’re funny.
Jane: Hilarious.
Amber: See, that’s what I’m talking about.
Jane: tongue emoji
Nasreen: OMG MY NY ADMIRALS WINTER CLASSIC SWEATER IS HERERRERERERERERERE
Nasreen: Pic of her wearing a throwback NY Admirals sweater that’s already been heavily modified with safety pins and patches.
Jane: Nice. Love what you did with it.
Nasreen: Thanks! I’m going to wear it onstage for tomorrow’s show.
Jane: Will your ex get mad that you’re wearing a rival team’s merch?
Nasreen: No, Ryan loves Scott. His bother is gay.
Jane: I had heard that.
Jane: Well, enjoy.
Nasreen: I WIIIILLLLLLLLL!!!!!!!
Amber: Cricket put a fucking pinto bean in Carpathea’s ear. I’m scared that if I try to pick it out with tweezers that I’ll push it in farther. I should go to the ER, right?
Jane: My buddies kid did that with a navy bean. We put her on her side, then squirted water into her ear with that snot sucker bulb for the baby, and the water pressure shot it out onto a towel we put under her head.
Amber: OMG. Okay. Minor surgery Amber is on the case.
Jane: It’s not really surgery.
Amber: Shut up, bitch, hype me up!!
Jane: Fuck, I’m not usually great at that but I can try.
Jane: Amber you already had two babies with no anesthesia. This is like a walk in the park. Just man up and do it.
Amber: Man up?
Jane: WOMAN up. Sorry. I spend too much time with hockey players.
Jane: I mean. Children are resilient and they get shit stuck in their ears all the time, and if we all died from that there would be nobody alive on earth.
Amber: C- hyping you whore.
Jane: You get mean when you’re nervous.
Amber: I’ll fucking stab you.
Jane: No, you won’t because you have a pinto bean to extract and you’re a good mother and an even more skilled ear irrigator who takes no shit!
Amber: Yeah! OK! Let’s go!!
Amber: Attached pic of her holding a wet pinto bean
Amber: IT WORKED!
Jane: Good!
Amber: Don’t think that I didn’t notice you saying you spend a lot of time with hockey players. Another clue to the Jane puzzle has fallen into place.
Jane: I hang out with Roz’s friends?
Amber: Except that Roz only knows other Bears players and none of them have ever met you.
Jane: Dang.
Mei: Honey, next time you want to tell us a lie, maybe forgo the question mark at the end.
Jane: I honestly try not to lie most of the time.
Red heart emoji: Amber, Mei, Crystal, Sveta
Sveta: I just got back from Russia. Bean situation happened to me as child. Papa dumped my head in fresh snow. Came right out.
Amber: All love to Russia, but I’m super glad we went with Jane’s method.
Sveta: Suit yourself, snow dumping builds character.
Amber: I believe you. However, I don’t think these kids need more character.
Sveta: Is true, they are spirited.
Mei: It’s funny, I can always tell when you’re been back home. Even your texts have an accent.
Sveta: It takes me time to re-adjust
Mei: Does Ilya do that too when he comes back?
Sveta: He does not go back anymore.
Mei: Oh. Is something wrong?
Sveta: No.
Jane: He likes it here.
Mei: I guess Boston is technically warmer than Moscow right now.
Sveta: Balmy.
Jane: It’s -12 for me.
!! Mei, Amber Crystal, DJ Meow Meow
DJ Meow Meow: I just woke up, it’s -12 degrees where you are?!?!?!
Jane: I meant 10. I forgot.
DJ Meow Meow: How do you forget what the temperature is?
Mei: Wait, 10F is -12C, are you not in America?
DJ Meow Meow: How did you do that conversion so fast?
Mei: We have to keep certain flowers at certain temperatures sometimes, and I get shipments from Canada. Temperature conversion has wormed its way into my brain.
Jane: Yeah. I’m not American.
Amber: Interesting.
Jane: I’m going for a run, bye!!
DJ Meow Meow: She’s running in 10 degree weather?
Amber: A woman of mystery.
Latonya: I hate the entire month of February.
100: Amber, Nasreen, Crystal, Mei, Carmella, Sveta, Jen, DJ Meow Meow
Jane: What’s wrong with it?
Latonya: It’s gross and my man is about to be gone for two weeks.
Jane: Oh. Yeah. I guess. I love winter and from my perspective, Ilya is always gone.
Broken heart emoji: Amber, Nasreen, Crystal, Mei, Carmella, Sveta, Jen, Latonya, DJ Meow Meow
Crystal: At least we have one more home game tonight. I have a paper to write, so I’m stuck at the library, you guys going?
Amber: With these monsters? Are you kidding me? No. I will be at home preventing a repeat of beanpocalypse.
DJ Meow Meow: I’m spinning all night. Tell me if someone finally breaks his jaw so I can send him some double bubble.
Mei: Baby, if someone breaks his jaw, we’re all chipping in for a fruit basket for the person who broke it. Fuck that piece of shit.
Jane: Who’s your ex? Damn.
DJ Meow Meow: Butcher. He’s a third string bench warmer piece of shit loser. Barely stayed on the team this year.
Jane: I’ve met him, that dude really sucks. I would have broken his jaw for you if I’d have known.
Amber: FUCK YEA JANE
Mei: Seriously, did we ever figure out how she knows so many hockey players?
DJ Meow Meow: Yeah, Butcher isn’t even famous.
Jane: He’s famously a shit head.
100 emoji: DJ Meow Meow, Latonya, Mei, Crystal, Nasreen
Jane: Man, fuck that guy. I wish I’d broken his leg.
DJ Meow Meow: You don’t even know what he did.
Jane: I don’t have to. Plus, I have a pretty good idea of why a man like Butcher would make his ex hate him that much. I’m sorry you had to deal with that Meow Meow.
DJ Meow Meow: I was young and dumb. I learned a lot and now I carry mace.
Jane: How does the mace help in this instance?
DJ Meow Meow: Every time a hockey player even tries to talk to me, I mace him. Use the whole can up. Then I run away.
Jane: Good strategy. They’re not great at running on the regular ground. Just ice.
DJ Meow Meow: My thoughts exactly.
Nasreen: OMG, would you mace Scott Hunter?
DJ Meow Meow: Gay hockey players are exempt from macing. Provided they don’t say or do anything else fucked up.
Amber: Good policy. I’d also like to submit that Sven Larsson from Colorado be except from macing. He’s sweet.
Nasreen: Don’t mace Carmichael. I need him. For stuff.
Mei: Okay, this might be a weird one, but don’t mace Ryan Price either. He’s the nicest most shy man in hockey as long as he’s not on the ice.
DJ Meow Meow: He broke Butcher’s eye socket, if I knew where he lived, I’d send him flowers every year on the anniversary.
Latonya: Wait, are you and Carmichael back together?
Shhh emoji: Nasreen
Latonya: Girl, are you settling down?
Nasreen: First, let’s make the no mace list and then let’s talk about my plans with Ryan Carmichael, okay?
Thumbs up: Amber, Mei, Carmella, Jen, Latonya, DJ Meow Meow
Crystal: No mace Eric Bennet, he’s sweet.
DJ Meow Meow: I’m not gonna mace the elderly.
Laughing crying emoji: Amber, Nasreen, Crystal, Mei, Carmella, Sveta, Jen, Latonya,
Mei: Carter Vaughan should go on the no mace list. He’s nice too. As long as we’re listing Admirals players.
DJ Meow Meow: But you know who I’ll extra mace is Boiziau.
Jane: What did JJ do?
DJ Meow Meow: He’s too hot. I can’t have him near me.
Jane: He’s cool though. Pike too.
DJ Meow Meow: Fine. Boiziau is safe as long as he doesn’t try to talk to me. Or look me in the eye. Or make any sudden movements.
Jane: I’ll let him know.
DJ Meow Meow: Pike is also safe.
Sveta: What about Hollander?
Jane: What about him?
Crystal: Is he nice?
Sveta: Should we mace him?
Mei: He is the Metro’s captain, it should be on sight.
DJ Meow Meow: I don’t care about team rivalries. IMHO it’s me vs. every hockey player that ever existed.
Amber: This is why I love you Meow Meow, you know the appropriate amount of earth to scorch.
Carmella: We have to save Marley, he’s too cute to die!
Jane: Mace won’t kill him.
Carmella: I don’t care, I don’t want him hurt, he’s just a little baby.
Jane: He’s 6’7”
Carmella: A little 6’7” baby.
Eye roll emoji: Jane, Latonya, Crystal, Nasreen, DJ Meow Meow, Mei
DJ Meow Meow: You’re not even with him anymore.
Carmella: So? People can be friends with their exes. Besides, we still fuck when I’m in Boston and I don’t wanna have to find another Boston guy.
Amber: Boo you whore, you’re making the no mace list too long.
Carmella: You’re okay with Meow Meow macing Mendez?
Amber: Mace his ass. I don’t care. Maybe if he gets a little mace to the face he’ll stop complaining about diaper duty. I swear to God. It’s like nobody ever asked him to do anything until he met me.
DJ Meow Meow: Mendez is now on the must mace list.
Amber: To recap, the no mace list is:
Scott Hunter
Sven Larsson
Ryan Carmichael
Ryan Price
Eric Bennet
Carter Vaughan
JJ Bouziau
Hayden Pike
Cliff Marlow (for the sake of Carmilla’s pussy)
Sveta: What about Hollander?
Mai: Why are you worried about Hollander? Ilya is still on the mace list, he’s a Bear!
Sveta: He deserves it.
Jane: He’d like it.
DJ Meow Meow: I’m not going to mace him if he’s just going to get a boner.
Smirking emoji: Jane, Sveta
Nasreen: Wow you guys are freaks.
Jane: Ilya is the freak. I’m extremely normal.
Eye roll emoji: Sveta, Nasreen, Amber, DJ Meow Meow
Sveta: Seriously though are we macing Shane Hollander?
Amber: Who’s even met him? Jane? Do you know him?
Jane: Not really. He never does anything or goes anywhere.
Nasreen: He has a shit ton of endorsements.
DJ Meow Meow: So I should mace him extra?
Nasreen: You might be able to steal his watch, doesn’t he have a contract with Rolex?
Amber: So the current no mace list is:
Scott Hunter
Sven Larsson
Ryan Carmichael
Ryan Price
Eric Bennet
Carter Vaughan
JJ Bouziau
Hayden Pike
Cliff Marlow (for the sake of Carmella’s pussy)
Ilya Rozanov (for the sake of Jane’s pussy)
Jane: Not for my sake. You can absolutely mace him, I’ll be fine.
Jane: I might even be more than fine. Maybe he should go on the must mace list.
Nasreen: I told you, you’re a damn freak.
Amber: The must mace list:
Carlo Mendez
Shane Hollander
Ilya Rozanov (for the sake of Jane’s pussy)
Amber: I know I said to put Carlo on there, but this is not a list of hockey’s worst offenders. Where’s Kent? Butcher? Zullo?
DJ Meow Meow: That’s a different list. Mace is too kind for them.
Amber: Noted.
Latonya: I wasn’t paying attention, is it too late to add my man to the no mace list?
DJ Meow Meow: Lars was always on the no mace list honey.
Nasreen: Jane, I have something terrible to tell you.
Jane: Is Roz okay?
Nasreen: So far, but I hope he won’t be after this!
Jane: ?
Nasreen: Carmichael said that he has a huge bite mark on his thigh, that he got it right after that last home game.
Carmella: That was Jane. Cliff told me all about it.
Jane: Uh. Yeah. Sorry. That was me.
Jane: Wait, Cliff told you all about it?
Carmella: Just that you bit him hard enough to leave a mark. He’s a little scandalized by how rough you are with each other. He’s so sweet.
Jane: I try not to do that. I got carried away. It had been so long I was about to add myself to the must mace list just to feel something.
Nasreen: 1) I’ve been saying you’re a freak. 2) Carmichael said you live in Montreal.
Jane: I do.
Nasreen: So you flew down to maul your man after the game last night?
Jane: I did.
Nasreen: Jane, are you a secret millionaire?
Jane: It’s not really a secret. Mostly.
Nasreen: OMG. How come you don’t just do that all the time?
Jane: I’m usually really busy with work.
Latonya: With real estate work?
Jane: Yeah?
Mei: What did I say about the question marks?
Jane: I hate lying!
Mei: Baby, you’ve been in a secret sexual relationship with Ilya Rozanov for 9 years. You can’t suck at it this much.
Jane: Literally no one has ever asked me if I fuck Ilya Rozanov.
Nasreen: No one?
Jane: No one.
Carmella: Maybe you’re better at this than you think.
Carmella: Hey Jane?
Jane: Yes Carmella?
Carmella: Do you know why Roz has a marker line on his dick? And do you know how to get it off?
Jane: Baby oil didn’t work?
Nasreen: FREEEEEAAAAAAKKKSSS
Latonya: When did you have time to fuck him all the way from Montreal? My man just got home an hour ago.
Jane: I snuck into all stars.
Jane: I’m texting him about the marker.
Carmella: No, don’t! Cliff doesn’t want him to know I know about you.
Carmella: Unless you told him about us?
Jane: No, I didn’t tell him about you guys.
Amber: Why not? Are we also a secret?
Jane: I didn’t want him to worry.
Amber: Why would he worry? I thought it was only your career that would suffer if you were found out?
Jane: I lied.
Amber: Jane, you deceitful whore!
Jane: It would actually be worse for him if we were found out.
Amber: Forbidden love. The drama.
Jane: I hate it.
Carmella: Noted. But about the marker?
Jane: I’ll come off. It always does.
Nasreen: Freaky ass freaks.
Jane: Latonya, are you around?
Mei: She’s getting a manicure, what’s up?
Jane: Lars had an allergic reaction. The team ordered in, and the resturaunt got the order wrong. There must have been shrimp paste in the food.
Jane: He’s fine, his epi pen worked and the medics are here, but nobody can get ahold of Latonya.
Mei: We go to the same nail guy, I just texted him, he’s always got his phone on.
Latonya: OH MY GOD, Jane, thank you so much! I’m on the phone with my baby right now.
Latonya: Jane, thank you gain! I can’t believe how lucky it was that you were at the stadium so far before the game.
Jane: I’m glad Lars is okay. It was really scary.
Latonya: You were there with him?
Jane: No, he was in the visiting team locker room. I was somewhere else.
Amber: Oh my God Jane, do you work for the Metros?
Latonya: Leave her alone, who cares why she was there?
Amber: Sorry, sorry! I totally didn’t read the room. My bad.
Jane: Yes.
Latonya: You don’t have to say shit Jane.
Amber: Latonya is right, you don’t have to say shit.
Jane: I do work for the metros.
!! Amber, Nasreen, Crystal, Mei, Carmella, Jen, Latonya, DJ Meow Meow
Amber: You said that if you’re found out, it would be dire consequences!
Jane: By the public, not by my friends.
Jane: I’m still not going to tell you who I am, but you guys deserve to know what my job is at least. It’s getting weird that you don’t know.
Nasreen: What about the real estate stuff?
Jane: That’s more of a side gig.
Nasreen: And you’re still a not so secret millionaire fitness freak?
Jane: Yes.
DJ Meow Meow: Does your dad own the team?
Jane: The metros are owned by two brothers, neither has any kids.
DJ Meow Meow: Do you own the metros, Jane?
Jane: No.
Amber: Okay, let’s stop. I know I totally pushed this game, but I think we’ve shared enough for enough for today.
\
Jane: So I talked to Roz, he knows about you guys and he thinks this is hilarious.
Jane: I let him read our texts and he agreed that he deserves to be Maced.
DJ Meow Meow: What the fuck. Now I’m never gonna mace him.
Jane: THAT WAS PLAN ALL ALONG (THIS IS ROZ BTW)
DJ Meow Meow: WAG CHAT IS SACRED, BE GONE MAN
Jane: Sorry about that, he’s taller than me.
DJ Meow Meow: He’s taller than everyone.
Carmella: Not Cliff!
Jane: Also, we talked and we think it’s okay for you to know more about us, if you want to know.
Amber: Only if you want to tell us.
Jane: It would be nice to have people I can talk to. About everything, not just pieces here and there.
Amber: Who does Roz talk to?
Jane: Cliff, I think?
Carmella: Cliff has been super tight lipped about who you are, btw. It’s kind of impressive.
Mei: I’m cool with never knowing, and also I’m happy to know if you want that.
Latonya: You know my stance. You don’t owe us shit.
DJ Meow Meow: I’ll never be one to scoff at a secret identity.
Nasreen: Yea girl, do what feels right.
Jen: I don’t talk so much because English is not good for me, but we love you Jane, no matters what
100: DJ Meow Meow, Nasreen
Jane: Your English is really good actually.
Pink heart: Jen
Sveta: You know I’m here for you.
Jane: Is taking too long. Jane is a man. I am bisexual (This is Roz)
Jane: fuck. Hold on.
Jane: I’m beating the shit out of my asshole boyfriend
Jane: Don’t worry, I looooove it -roz
Jane: I locked myself in the bathroom. He’s going to take at least 15 minutes to find the key, but he’s right, I’m gay. And a man.
Jane: Obviously.
Jane: I guess it’s obvious. Now. I mean.
Mei: Bratva princess would have been cooler, IMO.
Laugh emoji: Jane
Amber: That makes a lot of sense.
Amber: I was wracking my brain trying to figure out what could possibly have a negative impact on Roz’s career that he hasn’t already done a million times and been in the papers for.
Jane: ta da
DJ Meow Meow: No one cares.
DJ Meow Meow: That came out wrong. We care about you, but we don’t care that you’re gay.
DJ Meow Meow: Although as a man, I have to warn you that you’re probably still on the to mace list.
Jane: I put myself on the list.
Sveta: You have no idea how long I’ve kept quiet about what complete freaks these two are.
Amber: The must mace list is three people long, one is Roz, the other is my stupid husband.
Jane: And the third is Shane Hollander. AKA me.
DJ Meow Meow: Now I’m definitely not macing Roz. Ew.
Nasreen: You did say that you almost put yourself on the list in order to feel something.
Nasreen: Also, sorry I joked about stealing your watch.
Jane: It’s okay, I never wear it unless I have to. It honestly makes me uncomfortable. Not sure why.
Nasreen: Is it because it’s made to be a status symbol for the wealthy to indicate that they could have spent $30 on a timex and used the other $14,970 to feed the hungry but they just didn’t want to?
Jane: Yeah, probably.
Jane: And it’s not like I can wear it on the ice or anything.
Nasreen: You really are Shane Hollander.
Jane: Picture of Shane Hollander in a fancy bathroom. Ilya Rozanov is creeping towards him. The bathroom door is wide open.
Sveta: They’re gonna be gone for awhile.
Amber: Should we add Ilya to the WAGs chat? Technically he’s a girlfriend. Sort of.
Nasreen: As long as he swears not to violate the sanctity of the chat.
DJ Meow Meow: I can make an exception to my no men ever policy.
DJ Meow Meow: Provided they help me mace the others.
Latonya: Okay, girl, we’re not really macing people, are we? Because I thought that was a joke.
DJ Meow Meow: It is a joke. Mostly.
Latonya: I’ll take it.
Mei: I’m all for adding Ilya.
Thumbs up: Amber, Nasreen, Crystal, Carmella, Sveta, Jen, Latonya, DJ Meow Meow
Jane added Lily to the chat.
Lily: Hi girls! I have been sworn to secrecy, and I pledge to mace all hockey players.
DJ Meow Meow: That’s what I’m talking about!