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It was silly.
Completely nonsensical.
But still, it burned at the back of Yelena's mind for days. Persistent, like an untreated stab wound.
She'd only just started in first grade when she'd been forced to leave her simplistic life behind for the Red Room in early September of 1995. Most of the treasured memories she'd managed to hold onto through that period of her life were mainly of her family. Melina. Alexei.
Natasha.
But there were other things she could recall. Some of them were tied to other sensations, like how the taste of fresh basil reminded her of the way Melina liked to prepare her grilled chicken breasts.
Or how the scent of motor oil reminded her of her father's station wagon parked in their garage, clinging to her and Natasha's clothing if they spent any long periods of time in there searching for jump ropes or hula-hoops to play with.
Or how the sound of airplanes forced her to recall not the day they fled that life behind, but a few months before that when Alexei had taken the family to an airshow just outside of town. Where their family had spent a whole afternoon watching as a variety of different planes did aerial tricks overhead while Natasha refused to pass the popcorn bucket that Alexei had purchased for them to share.
Yelena felt that feeling again as the sight before her stirred up a memory she almost had trouble believing was her own at first.
She had only been in public school for a single year before leaving that life behind, but she still remembered her first real Valentine's Day. Melina, ever cautious over maintaining their cover story, had sent her to school with a box filled with little folded cards that bore the name of every one of her classmates. Her class only had roughly a dozen and a half kids in it and Yelena had only just mastered writing her own name correctly the year before, so each card bore her mother's perfect handwriting for each name printed on front.
To: Student in Ms. Brown's Kindergarten Class
From: Yelena
When they had gone shopping the week before to pick out the perfect theme for her cards, she had naturally selected the ones depicting the ponies from her favorite TV show. Melina had smiled down at her daughter and placed them in their hand basket along with a bag of Hershey kisses. Enough for all of her classmates to share.
At first, she hadn't understood that she wasn't supposed to keep the cards for herself, though there was enough included in the box that Melina was able to pull one of each different character out for her to keep.
So Yelena had gone to school with a box filled with pony cards and chocolates, and returned home that afternoon with the same box filled with a vast collection of different Valentine's day cards. The new cards ranged from musical bands to cartoon characters for shows she hadn't even seen to race cars and everything in between. Plus more candy than Melina would let her eat in a week!
(And if Natasha had come home without any Valentine's Day cards of her own and Yelena had taken her favorite purple pony card to scrawl her older sister's name on it so she had one of her own, well that was no one's business but her own.)
The memory had been buried under the years of torment by Dreykov's hand, but it felt sharper now as she stood in the holiday aisle at the pharmacy down the block from Kate Bishop's apartment. Rows and rows of candies bathed in reds, pinks, and whites littered the shelves as she studied the same old boxes of Valentine's Day cards that Melina had placed in their hand basket.
Her fingers itched to reach out to take one, even though she didn't recognize any of the characters depicted on the boxes, but still, she wanted to take back a piece of her missing childhood.
She'd left the store without them, only carrying the necessary items to restock Kate's first aid kit for the third time that year already. Even as her body carried her further and further away from the card display, her mind was still there. Still thinking about those silly little pieces of cardboard with cheesy messages printed on them.
Kate noticed because of course she did.
"You okay?" she asked as Yelena transferred her new purchases into the correct places within the massive first aid kit she'd gifted her girlfriend before they had even officially started dating. She didn't take her eyes off the task in front of her, not even when one of Kate's hands moved to cover hers. "Yel?"
"Valentine's Day is coming up," Yelena said instead of answering, hoping that her abrupt declaration would be enough to shake that line of questioning before she could spill her embarrassing secret.
Because it was nothing short of mortifying to still be thinking about the cards. The shame of what she wanted threatened to swallow her whole, as if the mere thought of considering going back for a box was enough to condemn her for a criminal act. She felt like a prisoner in her own head, as if someone else could simply peer inside her mind to see the pathetic thoughts that wouldn't leave her be.
"We don't have to do anything if you're not feeling up for it. I know it seems like this quintessential American staple that all couples have to celebrate the holiday, but it's more of a corporate thing than actually romantic. People have actually been rebelling against participating in such a commercial event for years now and there's nothing wrong with skipping or maybe even postponing it. We could always do something the following week when there aren't other people fighting for dinner reservations, and candy gets discounted-"
"Breathe, Kate Bishop." Kate stopped talking, failing to conceal the blush that blossomed on her cheeks and turned away, sheepishly kicking her feet back and forth under the kitchen table.
"Sorry, I just don't want you to feel pressured. It can just be another day, is what I mean," she said and Yelena let out a sigh, closing the white box that housed the first aid supplies. She scooted forward until she was practically hanging off the edge of her seat to get closer to Kate and leaned her head on the other woman's shoulder.
"I do want to. Even if we're just eating pizza and watching movies like any other night," she confessed and Kate shifted so that she could snake one arm around Yelena's waist. To hold her, ground her in that moment. It was just the two of them while their dogs lounged in the other room.
"What's got that pretty little head of yours so out of sorts then?" Kate asked, leaning her head against the crown of Yelena's hair. The casual touch was something that had taken them a while to build up to, but now Yelena found herself craving every scrap of affection that Kate bestowed upon her.
She wanted to be honest, to share a piece of her childhood that the Red Room hadn't been able to completely erase from her memories, but the embarrassment of being drawn to something meant for children had her pulling back.
"It's not important."
Kate did not badger her with more questions about her dour mood, even when it bled over into the next few days. She only pulled Yelena closer, hoping to let her actions speak for themselves.
You can trust me. You don't have to go through this alone.
Which only served to make Yelena feel worse because all of this was over something so simple. So dumb.
Kate wouldn't think it was dumb though, would she?
Not the person who had a shrine built up for Clint Barton of all people in her childhood bedroom. Who wore Avengers-themed boxer briefs. Who had tracked down Hawkeye and Black Widow-themed socks so she could mix and match the pairs together because she said that they fit better that way.
It still took Yelena nearly three days before she was able to work herself up to admitting what her problem was.
Kate's breathing had just evened out, a sure sign that sleep was just around the corner for her while Yelena tucked her head in the space between her girlfriend's neck and collar. As if it had been made the perfect size just for her.
"When I was young, I shared one normal Valentine's Day with my classmates before everything changed." Kate did not move as Yelena spoke, not even as the hot breath licked across her bare chest or as Yelena's entire body tensed up as she began her tale.
If not for the subtle way her breathing changed, Yelena would have thought that perhaps Kate had fallen asleep after all.
She continued when Kate made no effort to interrupt her. "There were these cards that the class shared with each other. Melina let me pick out ones with ponies on them because that was my favorite thing at the time."
"Cute," Kate said, shifting her head slightly to press her chapped lips against Yelena's forehead, but she didn't move away when she was done, leaving the gentle weight there to reassure Yelena that she wasn't going anywhere.
"I only got to do it that one time, but it was… nice. And I wanted…" she trailed off, her voice growing thick as she struggled to get the words out. She felt exposed in a way that not even her naked body could make her feel.
She tried not to shiver as one of Kate's hands began caressing her back, fighting back the chill that ran down her spine even as the sweat on her body had long dried off. Yelena closed her eyes and steadied her breathing, unwilling to look up to see if Kate would still look at her with those same loving blue eyes if she knew her tough girlfriend wanted such a childish thing.
"You wanted?" Kate whispered against her skin, urging her to continue and refusing to pull away even for a moment.
"I wanted to celebrate it that way again," Yelena admitted, voice so quiet she was afraid that Kate would ask her to repeat herself. "Mama had me bring little Hershey kisses to go with my pony cards. And I got so many different kinds of candy to go with all the cards I got back."
She rarely ever let herself refer to Melina as her mother or Alexei as her father, but here while she was safe in Kate's arms, she let herself slip into that mindset where her parents were normal people and she was just a regular kid growing up in Ohio.
Now that the truth was out there, she expected Kate to respond to her confession in some kind of way. Maybe she would chuckle at just how pathetic her girlfriend was for wanting something so juvenile. Or she'd push Yelena off her and go sleep on the couch where she wouldn't be subjected to any more frivolous fantasies of a childhood long gone.
But Kate did neither of those things her overactive imagination conjured up. Instead, she peppered kisses down Yelena's nose until she crashed their lips together and breathed out her gratitude through every exhale. And she didn't stop until the tension in Yelena's shoulders eased enough for the two of them to fall asleep.
When Yelena woke up the morning of Valentine's Day, she walked down to the kitchen to see that Kate had only mostly-burned the breakfast she'd prepared for the two of them.
And sitting in the middle of the table waiting for Yelena to come down was a collection of folded Valentine's day cards. On each one of them, a different pony was featured. Different from the ones she remembered from her childhood, but still clearly from the same franchise.
And Kate signed every single one of them.
To: Yelena
Love: Kate