Work Text:
Saudade: a nostalgie longing for something or someone that was loved and then lost, with the knowledge that it or they might never return; the love that remains.
We're only getting older, baby
And I′ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
Harry stands at the kitchen counter of the cabin and stares at the living room alcove with the sofa and armchair. It is gloomy because outside the sky is gray—no sun—a cloudy sky. It looks like rain.
He was just putting the groceries he had brought with him into the refrigerator while Louis was smoking a cigarette. They want to spend a few days in the cabin. When Louis entered the cabin and saw the open living, dining, and kitchen area, he froze. Harry could hear him take a sharp breath. Then Louis turned around and went outside, saying he was going for a smoke. Harry knows that Louis is only smoking to collect himself. Harry, on the other hand, tried to distract himself by putting the groceries in the refrigerator, breathing heavily and with tears in his eyes.
The smell of the cabin and the cabin itself trigger memories in him—of Robin, the boys, and Louis. The cabin used to belong to Robin. When he was little, they had spent their vacations here.
When the band was formed, the five guys spent two weeks here getting to know each other and playing together as a band. He associates the cabin with fond memories.
Robin had given it to him after his death. Although Harry owns many properties, this cottage means a lot to him. He and Louis used to spend a few days here together when they wanted to escape from the world. They stopped doing that when they bought a house between Doncaster and Holmes Chapel. Besides, they now own so many properties around the world that they can escape to when they want to get away from it all that the cottage has been forgotten.
But now they were here, waiting for Niall and Zayn so they could celebrate One Direction's fifteenth anniversary together. It was going to be tough because it would be the first anniversary without Liam.
Harry remembers that morning well. That moment is burned into his brain forever.
Niall called that morning. He was just making breakfast for Louis and himself. Harry usually gets up early to work out while Louis sleeps in. Sometimes Harry crawls back into bed and cuddles with his man. Sometimes they have relaxed morning sex. Sometimes he makes breakfast for them, as he did that day.
It had been a beautiful sunny morning. The two of them were in their house in the middle of Doncaster and Holmes Chapel. Harry saw Niall's contact light up on his iPhone and answered excitedly. He knew Niall had had a concert in Argentina last night, and he wanted all the details. So he answered his phone full of anticipation.
“HE'S DEAD!” Harry heard Niall scream from the other end of the line, and then he began to sob heartbreakingly.
“He's dead!” Niall repeated, crying.
Harry was too shocked to react immediately. Then a bad feeling crept over him. A feeling of foreboding, because when Niall called him, there weren't many possibilities as to who Niall meant. Harry didn't want to ask. He didn't dare. He knew it would bring his world crashing down. He didn't want to. He wanted to lie in bed with Louis and cuddle with him. He wanted to rewind a few hours, to when he woke up and the world was still okay for him. But he had to face reality. He's an adult. In his thirties. He could do this.
“Who?” Harry could only whisper, squinting his eyes in fear. He heard Niall crying so hard on the other end of the line that it sounded like he couldn't breathe properly. Hearing Niall make that sound made him panic.
“LIAM!” Niall cried out, breathless and hoarse.
“Liam is dead,” Niall managed to say through his tears, and it sounded as if he were choking on the words. And Harry's world fell apart. He felt as if he were breaking into a thousand pieces.
Harry stood there frozen. The phone fell from his hand and slammed onto the floor. From the speaker, he could hear Niall's loud sobs and how he was desperately trying to catch his breath.
Harry forgot to breathe too. He saw Liam before his eyes.
At 17 years old on X Factor.
Liam with his curls.
Liam with his red plaid shirt.
Liam standing on stage singing into his red microphone.
He saw Liam and Louis hugging at their last concert.
He thought he could hear Liam's laughter.
Harry slid down at the bar. He didn't know what to think. What he was feeling. It was too much. He hadn't expected this. Liam had been so young. Tears streamed down his face. He tried to catch his breath. He heard cries of pain, but didn't know where they were coming from. He didn't know how much time had passed, but suddenly Louis was standing in front of him.
“Harry?” Louis asked him frantically, cupping Harry's face in his hands. He wiped away the tears with his thumbs.
“You have to breathe,” he heard Louis say, but he could only stare at him. Louis, who loved Liam more than anything. He didn't have to say anything. Louis saw it in his eyes. He took his hands off Harry's face, shook his head and stood up. He stumbled back a few steps. He kept shaking his head.
“No!”
“No. No. No.” He repeated over and over. As if those words could prevent the inevitable.
“Please don't. Please don't.” Louis looked imploringly at Harry, who had sat up. Louis' reaction brought Harry back down to earth. He was still crying, but he could breathe again. He had to be there for Louis now. So he returned his gaze and walked toward him with his hands raised. He had to break the heart of the love of his life. Louis didn't deserve that. He had already lost his mother and sister. He had experienced so much loss in his life. Suddenly, Louis's gaze changed, becoming harder, no longer pleading.
“No! Shut up!” Louis said defensively, backing away as Harry continued to approach him.
“Don't you dare say anything!” Harry had now reached Louis and took him in his arms. Louis resisted. Tried to shake Harry off. Repeated “no” over and over again in desperation. Harry just held him tighter. Didn't let Louis go. Let Louis cry on his chest until he looked up at him with red-rimmed eyes. Traces of tears on his face. Harry closed his eyes. He couldn't look at Louis when he told him.
“Liam,” Harry began haltingly.
“Liam is...” He couldn't get the words out. He felt Louis's firm grip on his T-shirt.
“Liam is dead,” Harry sobbed again and opened his eyes. Louis now collapsed completely in his arms. His body writhed in immeasurable pain. His legs gave way and only Harry kept him upright. Both sank to the floor as Louis cried in Harry's arms and let out bloodcurdling screams. Harry's cell phone still lay forgotten on the kitchen floor. The connection to Niall was still there.
But there′s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you
+++++++
We're only getting older, baby
And I′ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
Louis sits on the bed in the room he will share with Harry and stares at the wall opposite. Harry unpacks their things while Louis is deep in thought.
It had been a spontaneous decision. An urgent need not to spend this day alone. Fifteen years of One Direction. Today marks the fifteenth anniversary. And while before it was just a date on which you wrote a message or called each other and talked about the old days – “Do you remember back then?” – this time it felt all-encompassing.
Louis feels like he's walking a fine line... between nostalgia and loss. Pain that suddenly overwhelms you and takes your breath away. That brings tears to your eyes. That makes your heart ache painfully – all of a sudden. One moment he's making something to eat or brushing his teeth or standing on the fucking stage singing, and suddenly it overwhelms him. Paralyzes him.
Thinking about the band, thinking about the boys, is connected to thinking about him. In the first few days after his death, Louis couldn't even look at Harry without thinking about One Direction and, therefore, about him. He and Harry just lay in bed all day, desperately holding each other and crying. Mourning. Asking themselves why, how, and what for.
So yes, that's why they were here now. As the band's anniversary approached, they became restless. The original plan had been for him and Harry to spend the day together at home. But then Niall wrote in the group chat that he didn't want to be alone that day. And Louis understood him. He didn't want to spend the day alone either and was glad he had Harry. With Harry by his side, he wasn't alone. Harry, who understood what Louis was going through. Who missed him too. Who had lost him and the band. His youth, his hopes and dreams. Who felt the same pain as Louis.
Of course, Harry and he invited Niall to spend the day with them. Then Harry spoke to Zayn and said that he didn't feel comfortable with the idea of Zayn spending the day alone. They should at least invite him, even if Zayn didn't come.
In the past, Louis would have resisted. He would have said no. But not today. He was exhausted. He and Zayn were trying to sort things out between them. They weren't friends... not yet... maybe they never would be again. But they were acquaintances. There was more between them than they could simply pretend they were strangers.
Louis was exhausted from pretending that he didn't care about Zayn. As if he didn't matter to him. As if they had all the time in the world to get over it and find their way back to each other. And Zayn took the first step. They talked and apologized. Some things can't be forgiven, but you can try to live with them, to deal with them. If it means that Zayn will be part of his life again, Louis will do anything to get over the hurt. And so will Zayn.
Louis is tired of losing people he loves. He has lost too many loved ones in recent years. Louis clings to everything he still has. He lost Liam. He lost the band. But he still has Harry, Niall, and Zayn. Louis won't let them go. He can't. Otherwise, he will drown in grief and loss. He has already been through it twice.
So yes, that's why Harry and Louis are here in this bedroom now. Harry suggested going to the old cabin where they got together as a band 15 years ago. And a few days ago, Louis thought it was a fantastic idea. But now that he's here, staring at the wall in front of him, he no longer thinks it's a good idea.
He feels like he's sinking. He can see them five years ago, sitting in the living room playing silly icebreaker games that he suggested. So full of life, hopes, and dreams. So young.
He can see shy 17-year-old Liam with his Justin Bieber hairstyle sitting in that damn armchair. Reserved and afraid of rejection. Back then, Louis thought Liam was boring and stubborn. Eighteen-year-old Louis had no idea why Liam acted the way he did. He simply lacked empathy and understanding. They had been clueless kids. Niall, who laughed at everything Louis said and did. Harry, who simply adored Louis and tried to imitate him. Zayn, who tried to be cool. And Louis, who tried to be loud and funny to cover up his insecurities. Five boys who had no idea what the next few years would bring.
“I was damn right,” Louis murmurs quietly to himself.
“Mhm.” Harry stops what he's doing and turns to his husband with a questioning look. Louis takes his eyes off the wall and looks at Harry.
“I just remembered that Liam said back then that we had to practice to be successful as a band. He wanted to practice all the time. And I said that we had to be friends first before we could be colleagues. That was the only way we would have a chance as a band in the long run. And Liam didn't believe me. But I was right,” Louis explains quietly.
They had their friendship to thank for lasting so long. In the music industry, people always try to turn people against each other. They tried it with them too, but their friendship was strong — until it wasn't.
Ironically, it was Harry who caused their friendship to fall apart. His silence about negotiating a solo career with the Azoffs. About the fact that he had no intention of renewing his contract with One Direction. That was the death knell for their relationship because Louis felt betrayed. And it caused stress and arguments within the band, which ultimately led to Zayn leaving the band.
While Harry and Louis somehow managed to patch things up, the friendship between Zayn and Louis broke down. Niall and Liam also felt betrayed by Harry and took a while to forgive him. It had been a very lonely and difficult time for Harry.
But Harry isn't the villain in this story. They needed a break. Harry wanted to try something new. He wanted to find out who Harry Styles was outside of One Direction. He wanted to act more freely. To be freer. And he couldn't stand watching helplessly as he was put in the spotlight while Louis and Niall were always kept in the background. He couldn't stand seeing Louis disappear more and more.
Harry looks at Louis with a gentle expression. “You always knew what was best for us,” Harry says, walking over to Louis and kissing him gently on the forehead. Louis sighs and presses his face against Harry's stomach. Harry's hand wanders to Louis's neck and strokes it lightly.
“It's harder than I thought to be back here,” Louis mumbles muffled by Harry's stomach and wraps his arms around Harry's lower body. Harry doesn't know how to respond, as he feels the same way. So, he just hums in agreement.
But there′s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you
+++++
We're only getting older, baby
And I′ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
“Do you remember how it was back then?” Niall's voice breaks the silence between the four men. “Back when we were here for the first time and got to know each other before the jury house and the live shows,” Niall adds by way of explanation.
The four men are sitting outside on the terrace, scattered around a fire pit, sharing a joint. Next to them are either beer bottles or drinks.
It's June 23 and it's slowly getting dark. Only the fire and the fairy lights provide them with light. The perfect evening to get drunk and smoke weed. Just like they used to do in the old days. Even after the band break, they sometimes meet up, sit together in a convivial group, and smoke weed and drink together. Laughing, talking, or sitting in silence together.
“Full of hope and dreams. Full of drive. We were so young and naive. Before we knew how it would turn out. Before...,” Niall sounds wistful and stares into the fire.
Louis grits his teeth and swallows the lump in his throat. He tries to breathe evenly, takes Harry's hand with the joint and guides it to his lips to take a drag. All day long, memories of Liam bombard Louis. He is everywhere in this bungalow. Louis sees him sitting with the boys by the fire, talking and laughing. Back then, Liam had been shy and reserved. Cautious. Louis slowly lets the smoke escape from his mouth.
“Isn't it crazy that One Direction has been over for ten years? It only lasted five years. We've been solo for much longer than we were together, and yet it feels like yesterday,” Niall continues.
Louis hums in agreement. He feels the same way. Two albums and two tours, and yet he still can't get the band out of his head. Louis loves what he does, damn it. He's incredibly grateful for everything. He's more confident than ever when he's on stage. But being on stage with the other guys is a different feeling, a different atmosphere. Zayn reaches out his hand to Harry and Harry gives him the joint.
“For many years, I tried to suppress the memories of our time together. It was too painful. I could only remember the bad moments,” Harry says in a rough voice. Louis snuggles closer to his man and interlaces their hands to signal support. To show that he is there. In response, Harry pulls Louis even closer to him.
“In recent years, however, more and more positive memories have come to light. Now when I see a photo of us, I no longer think first of the bad things that happened during that time, but of the positive things. Especially lately, I think about our beginnings and how happy we were. The saying ‘time heals all wounds’ is probably true.” Harry mutters the last part to himself. Louis can only agree. They both know from experience that sometimes it just takes time to heal. To forgive. To move on. Louis turns his head and kisses Harry on the arm that is around Louis' shoulder, pulling him close. Harry then kisses Louis on the head.
“I've been watching our old videos from X Factor and the interviews lately. Our fans post a lot from our early days, and when I can't sleep, I watch them,” Louis says. He had forgotten how young they were at the time. They look so innocent. He stares at the boy he once was and can't believe it. There's a world of difference between the eighteen/nineteen-year-old Louis and the one of today.
“It's reassuring to see that you haven't really changed,” Zayn says to Louis with a snort, blowing out smoke. Louis looks at him, confused.
“Are you blind? I've changed the most out of all of us,” Louis admits his displeasure. Zayn looks at him thoughtfully. Louis notices Harry stiffening and Niall looking at the two of them with alarm. They think that a fight might break out between Zayn and Louis. That the truce will be broken. Zayn and Louis have grown closer again. Nevertheless, it was still a fragile peace. Based on the fact that they both lost Liam.
“You did. But in recent years, you've become more yourself again. More like the Louis we knew. That's what I meant. You enchant people again.” With these words, Zayn passes the joint to Niall.
“Are you saying there was a time when I didn't enchant people anymore?” Louis pretends to be outraged by Zayn's statement. Zayn can see from Louis' expression that he's not serious, turns his gaze away from him with a knowing smile, and takes a sip of his drink before speaking again.
“Of course, Louis. You always knock people out with your charisma. Everyone who has been put down by your sarcasm must love you,” he replies soberly.
Harry hides his laughter behind his glass, and as punishment, Louis pinches his leg lightly and gets kicked by him in return.
Niall stares at Zayn and Louis with a grim expression. The joint between his fingers. The flickering flames make it impossible for anyone to fully interpret his expression. Louis would have been able to do so in the past, but these days the two don't see each other as often. But he thinks Niall is trying to hold back his tears. Damn. If Niall starts crying, Harry will too, and when Louis' baby cries, he has to cry too. And then all three of them will be crying and Zayn will laugh at them. Or he'll cry with them, like he did with Liam's... no, Louis isn't going there today.
“Look, now you've made Nailler cry,” Louis replies, feigning indignation in the hope of saving them all from a crying fit. Zayn just raises an eyebrow and looks at Niall.
"Hmm, he looks more like you kicked him in the balls. We know how much you like to go for our balls," Zayn replies dryly.
Now there's no stopping Harry, and he leans forward laughing. In doing so, he breaks up the cuddle between him and Louis. Louis then puts on an offended face because he doesn't like it. It was so cozy in Harry's arms.
Niall also starts laughing and promptly chokes on the joint. Well, the crisis has been averted. Louis pushes Harry back into the chair, snuggles up to him again, and puts his legs over Harry's thighs. Harry obeys without protest, puts one arm around Louis, and strokes Louis's leg with his other hand.
“I forgot how much you need cuddles, Louis,” Zayn's voice rings out. Louis responds by giving him the middle finger while Harry squeezes Louis' thigh.
“It's crazy that those two are still together after 15 years,” Niall says reverently, passing the joint to Louis and Harry. Louis leans forward slightly to take the joint so that Harry doesn't have to take his hands off Louis' body.
“The most epic love story ever began here in this bungalow. Forget Romeo and Juliet. You haven't met Larry yet.” Louis just grins happily at Niall and Harry kisses his man on the head again. Louis looks up at him so that the two are looking at each other. He smiles so broadly that cute wrinkles form at the corners of his eyes. Louis pouts his lips to signal that he wants a kiss. Harry rolls his eyes in amusement, but leans down and kisses him on the mouth. Before he can pull away, Louis deepens the kiss slightly and puts his hand on the back of Harry's neck.
It's not always easy to have a secret relationship. In general, it's not easy to have a relationship with someone who is as busy as Louis. But even after 15 years, with interruptions, the two love each other and want to be close to each other. After so many years, the two are not always as flirty and cuddly with each other as they were in the beginning. Sometimes there are phases where the two just exist side by side or argue. Louis thinks this is normal when you've been together as long as they have. But right now, the two are in a good phase. A very good phase, where they are very affectionate. Maybe it's because of the place. The place where it all began. A place where the two spouses have only good memories.
Suddenly, the sound of guitars can be heard. They play a familiar rhythm that snaps Louis out of his daze with Harry. He looks at Niall, knowing that he is the only one of them who brought his guitar to the campfire. He notices that Harry is taking the joint from him.
We're only getting older, baby
And I′ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
But there′s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you
The three men listen silently as Niall sings these lines softly to the sound of the guitar. His promise to the three men.
“Well, I think you've forgotten how the song goes. You've forgotten the beginning, the middle, and the end,” says Zayn in a hoarse voice as Niall and the guitar sounds fall silent. Louis snorts in agreement.
“I thought Lou was always the one who couldn't remember the lyrics,” Harry teases his man as he passes the joint to Zayn.
“Hey!” Louis looks at him, feigning indignation.
“Don't look at me like that, you always have to have the printed lyrics in front of you on stage so you can read along,” Harry admits impassively, reaching for his drink on the floor and taking a sip. Louis looks at him sulkily while Niall and Zayn laugh.
“I would have expected my husband not to stab me in the back.” Pouting, Louis tries to pull away from him, but Harry won't let him go. As punishment, Louis takes Harry's drink from his hand and takes a sip. Louis shudders inwardly at the taste. Harry just looks at him with a raised eyebrow, knowing that Louis doesn't like the drink.
“Do you remember when he forgot the lyrics and sang that he had forgotten the lyrics? I can't remember which song it was,” Niall asks us excitedly. Louis gasps indignantly and gives Niall the middle finger.
"Or when he slipped in the middle of Kiss You and fell flat on his face. It fit the sound perfectly," Zayn recalls with a smile. Niall laughs.
“Oh my God, that was so iconic. There are videos of it,” Niall gasps with laughter.
“That really hurt. My whole back was green and blue afterwards,” Louis replies sulkily. Harry hums in agreement. It looked really funny, but the bruises were still visible weeks later. Harry felt for his baby. When it came to Louis, he had always been very caring. And he had to wait until after the concert to check on Louis after the fall because management wouldn't let them interact with each other on stage. Harry went crazy every time Louis winced.
“I still can't get over how Harry Louis offered a blowjob in an interview. And how Louis replied that he could do that, but later,” Zayn says with a laugh. Louis smiles at the memory. Those were really good times. The first two years of the band had been really good. Harry and Louis were still allowed to interact with each other. Plus, everything was still new and exciting for the boys. Their first single, their first album, their first music video, their first tour, their first awards. All the money they suddenly had at their disposal.
“And we have it on video!” Niall interjects with a laugh.
“Hey!” Harry says indignantly. “I didn't know we could be heard. I was horny and Louis looked so incredibly hot. And well, Niall was talking. We could have easily done it,” Harry protests, while Louis snorts into his beer, suppressing his laughter.
“But that would have been a quickie. Like two minutes,” Zayn says smugly. And from that moment on, there's no stopping Niall. Even Louis has to laugh, while Harry sulks. As an apology, Louis pulls Harry's hand to his lips and kisses the back of it. Harry looks at him lovingly, leans down to Louis, and kisses him gently on the lips. Both smile into the kiss.
“Do you remember,” Niall gasped between laughs. “Do you remember that interview where Louis was talking about Mario Kart and making all those sexual references about tops and bottoms? And Liam just didn't get it.” Now everyone bursts out laughing.
“Man, that was wild,” Zayn says, laughing. “I thought management was going to kill you, Louis.”
“That's my man. Always so cheeky,” Harry says with a tender look in Louis' direction. Louis just winks cheekily at him.
“I almost choked to death laughing,” Niall admits, laughing. “The best part was when we explained everything to Liam afterwards and he realized what he had said. Like, I can do two minutes and try to beat that. It was so brilliant. I really thought Liam was going to kill you, Louis.” At the memory of Liam, Louis stops laughing. He looks wistfully into the fire. He misses him very much. He should be sitting here with them by the fire, laughing, cracking jokes, and reminiscing with them. The other three also calm down and silence descends on the four men. No one has to say anything. They all feel the same. They are all thinking of him right now.
But there′s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you
+++++++
We're only getting older, baby
And I′ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
Louis, Harry, and Niall are in the kitchen area. Louis is sitting on the counter watching Niall and Harry make sandwiches for lunch. Zayn is outside smoking.
Louis watches Harry closely as he puts avocado on a sandwich. He doesn't like avocado and makes sure none ends up on his sandwiches. His husband knows about his dislike of avocados. Nevertheless, he tries to slip this green fruit into his food from time to time because it's supposed to be healthy and Louis is at an age where he needs to watch what he eats. Thanks a lot for thinking Louis is too old. His body is in great shape. He's in top form.
“Do you think we should have done more for Liam?” Niall interrupts the peaceful silence in a small voice. Louis and Harry both stiffen at the mention of Liam. The atmosphere suddenly feels charged.
“I mean all the online hate. Do you think we should have done more for him? Taken his side?” Niall looks questioningly at Harry and Louis. These questions are also on the minds of the two men.
“We did a lot for him,” Louis says. But he sounds uncertain. As if he needs to convince himself.
“You defended him in public once, but the rest of us kept quiet,” Niall says.
“What were we supposed to do?” Harry asks, trying to defend himself.
"I don't know. Maybe... I don't know, we could have taken his side somehow," Niall says desperately.
“You know it's not that simple. All the hate would have fallen back on us and Liam would have been torn apart even more,” Louis tries to explain carefully.
“No one could have predicted it would escalate like this,” Louis adds quietly and guiltily.
“Didn't expect it to escalate?” Niall asks sarcastically.
"It went on like this for ten years. It was our fans who went after him and tore him apart. Over and over again. For ten years." Niall is angry at Louis' comment. His voice is raised. Harry flinches, hurt. But Niall isn't done with his tirade yet.
“I think texting and calling him privately and supporting him privately just wasn't enough at that point.” Harry looks down silently.
Louis knows what's going through Harry's mind right now. What he's blaming himself for. They've been having the same conversations about this for years: toxic fans and online bullying. None of them are immune to it, not even Harry.
Louis knows that Harry blames himself because some of his fans write incredibly mean things about the other guys. That his management even supports this to highlight his position and put the others down. Because not all members of a band are allowed to be successful solo, because it's always a damn competition in this industry.
Louis knows how helpless and angry Harry is about this. That Treat People with Kindness is being misused so badly.
It also hurt Louis to see how Liam was struggling. To have to watch helplessly as Liam was torn apart for what he said, what he did. In the eyes of the public, he could only do the wrong thing.
Louis had to endure this powerlessly and couldn't intervene. The question of “what if” has been on Louis' mind since October.
What if they had stood up for Liam more in public?
What if they had brought the band back? Would he still be alive then?
What if Louis hadn't been so preoccupied with his world tour and his life? What if he had noticed how bad Liam was really feeling?
What if Liam had called him on that fateful day?
What if he had called Liam that day? Would he have answered his phone or would he have ignored Louis?
“I feel guilty,” Niall says quietly.
“He was at my concert and wanted to talk to me. But I brushed him off. I was so tired.” He sighs before continuing meekly. “I was a little annoyed with him. I should have talked to him. I should have noticed that he was in a bad way. I should have been there for him.” His voice breaks at the end.
Louis jumps down from the kitchen counter, walks over to Niall, puts his arm around him, and pulls him close. Harry leans against the kitchen counter with his arms crossed and bites his lower lip as he watches Louis and Niall.
“Niall,” Louis begins cautiously.
"It's not your fault. Nobody blames you for it. Addiction is so complicated. For those around you, too. There were days when I couldn't be there for Liam either. We have to take care of ourselves, too. We can't let ourselves get caught up in the downward spiral. I love Liam, but when he was drunk, he wasn't the Liam we knew and loved anymore. He could get really mean. And we have to protect ourselves from that too," he explains carefully, whereupon Niall looks at him with tears in his eyes.
But there′s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you
++++++++
We're only getting older, baby
And I′ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
It is a starry, cool night. Harry and Louis are both snuggled up in blankets on a deck chair in the middle of the lawn.
Where the trampoline used to be. The trampoline that hasn't been there for years. But which has a special meaning for the two boys.
Harry's head is resting on Louis' chest. He can feel Louis' breathing. Louis' hand slowly strokes Harry's scalp. He can smell Louis' scent. Vanilla. Louis smells like vanilla. His signature Louis scent.
Their legs are intertwined. Harry's arm is loosely wrapped around Louis' waist and he unconsciously strokes Louis' waist with his index finger.
The atmosphere is peaceful. It's a cool night, but snuggled up in blankets and in Louis' arms, Harry isn't cold.
He remembers the last time he and Louis lay here like this. It was the last night before the boys left again. It had been a quiet, starry, balmy August night. Not as cool as today. Fifteen years ago, the weather had been hot and sunny, not as rainy and humid as this year. Louis and he liked to lie on the trampoline, look up at the starry sky, and talk about everything under the sun all night long until the early hours of the morning. Sometimes they were silent and lost in their thoughts. They thought about their future. About what would happen with the band.
Harry remembers the butterflies in his stomach and how he always sought Louis's company. How everything felt so exciting, new, and scary. Louis had impressed him at first sight. His smile and his blue eyes. And now that he was getting to know him better, he felt drawn to Louis. He likes his humor, his laugh, and his voice.
Harry smiles slightly at these thoughts. That was how it all began. It all started that summer. It had been a crush. Later, on X Factor, it turned into infatuation and eventually love. As a teenager, you fall so quickly and so hard.
Their first kiss there on that trampoline in the summer of 2010 felt normal, like breathing, like blood pumping through his veins. It was just lips on lips, interrupted by giggles and sighs.
They didn't talk about that kiss afterwards because they were still children. Children who didn't know what they were feeling and were afraid to show their vulnerability. Who didn't know how important and normal it was to talk about such things. Weeks later, when they made it to the live shows, after all the cuddling, the constant touching, the pet names, and the flirting, Harry simply kissed Louis. He just couldn't take it anymore. Louis was so stunning, so beautiful, so irresistible. And Harry felt like he was going crazy. He just had to kiss Louis, or he would have burst. And afterwards, they talked about it. They confessed their feelings to each other and that they would like to be together.
Harry gets sentimental when he thinks about these memories. This cabin brought back so many buried memories of their time before the Jury House and on X Factor. Memories he hadn't thought about in years because his life since X Factor has been nothing but chaos.
Too many things are happening at once. So many overwhelming things that he can't process because there's no time for it. The five years with One Direction alone are enough for a whole lifetime. Everything blurs into a single indistinct image. He no longer knows when he did what and where. All he has left are the photos and videos.
Harry has been very sentimental since Liam's death. While Louis blossomed, beamed, and laughed, appearing in public and celebrating professional successes, Harry sank into a black hole full of memories. Even his fans noticed that he no longer smiles in photos and looks unhappy. He finds it unfair that Louis finds it so easy to carry on as if nothing had happened. But Harry knows that's not true. Louis is grieving too. He's just better at hiding it in public. While Harry's way of grieving is to hide away, Louis has to do something, go out. Otherwise, Louis does stupid things when he stays home alone. Harry understands that. At least he tries to. But it's hard. He sometimes feels alone.
“It's crazy to be lying here again,” Louis' voice interrupts Harry's train of thought. Louis' voice sounds a little hoarse because they haven't spoken for a while.
“It brings back so many memories of our conversations and our first kiss,” Louis says with a sigh.
Harry sits up slightly so he can look Louis in the eyes and smiles at him. He can't help but smile at him. It feels good to know that Louis remembers too. That Louis hasn't forgotten.
Harry lets his gaze wander over Louis' face. Over his three-day beard, his tousled fringe falling over his forehead. His sharp cheekbones. His narrow lips, twisted into a smile. His eyes. His clear blue eyes, looking at him with that typical gaze. Louis' Harry look, as everyone calls it. That hasn't changed in the fifteen years they've known each other.
Harry sees his man. Louis has gotten older. But he's still his Louis. And because Harry is so damn emotional today, he can't help himself, leans down and presses his lips to Louis's.
They close their eyes and Louis returns the kiss. The kiss deepens. They kiss with tongue. Harry gently cups Louis' chin with his hand and kisses Louis in a very specific way. They were Louis' favorite kisses. They are thorough and deep. Not rushed, but not lazy either. They are kisses for days when Louis needs every bit of Harry's attention. For days when he acts like a little shit until he finally gets it. They are kisses that make him feel special and adored. The kisses make Louis whimper and make him soft and supple.
Louis' hands claw into Harry's curls and pull him even closer to his body. Harry slides his whole body onto Louis. Louis opens his legs so that Harry can lie between them and make himself more comfortable. Their penises touch. Harry gasps into Louis's mouth, but doesn't interrupt their kiss. Louis's hand releases Harry's curls and strokes down his back to his butt, under his waistband. Louis grabs Harry's butt and pulls him closer. He moves, causing friction between their penises. Their kisses are repeatedly interrupted by moans, gasps, and whimpers.
Harry has the original need to show Louis how much he means to him. How much he loves him. How incredibly overwhelmed he feels that Louis has been by his side for 15 years. He has written so many songs about it. Some of them are unreleased. But still, he can't find the right words to describe his love, his devotion to his man. Sometimes he could slap Louis against the wall. Sometimes he is annoyed with him. And there were also moments when he thought he had lost Louis. When disappointment, hurt, and anger overshadowed love. But they always made it through and will continue to do so in the future.
Harry runs his thumbs along Louis' sharp jawline. He moves his mouth down to his neck and begins kissing the soft skin there. He sucks lightly on the skin. Hard enough to make Louis feel good, but not hard enough to leave a mark. Louis arches back, exposing his neck for him. Harry sits up slightly to guide his hand to Louis' pants. He slips under the waistband of Louis' boxer shorts and purposefully cups his erection. This makes Louis moan loudly. Harry moves his hand around Louis' erection the way Louis likes it best. Louis trembles beneath him and thrusts into his hand.
“So good.”
“Baby.”
“Feels so good.”
“Yes, right there.”
“Oh my God.”
“Love you,” Louis murmurs softly into Harry's ear over and over, interrupted by sighs and moans. Harry has stopped kissing Louis's throat and is moaning into his neck. It turns him on so much to give Louis pleasure. To hear how he gives him pleasure. Harry wants to give him a blowjob. He loves giving Louis blowjobs. But on this couch, a blowjob is too awkward. Years of touring in buses and having sex in various places have taught them what works and what doesn't. And besides, Harry would have to break free from Louis' embrace. From his warmth. And he doesn't feel like that today. He needs Louis' embrace. He needs to feel Louis holding him tight and melting beneath him.
Harry can feel Louis' movements and hear from the noises he makes that he is almost there. Louis' thrusts into his hand become more irregular, as does his breathing. His moans grow louder. His grip on Harry's butt and curls tightens. He literally claws into them. Pulls on Harry's curls. This makes Harry moan and his erection twitch. It turns him on. Louis becomes restless, writhing back and forth. Harry moves his hand to Louis's glans and runs it over the slit. He feels Louis stiffen briefly, hears him moan loudly, and then feels Louis's ejaculate on his hand.
Harry breaks away from Louis's neck, sits up, and watches his expression as he helps Louis through his orgasm. He can't help himself. He loves seeing Louis come. He loves the feeling of knowing that he's the one who made it happen.
Louis slowly calms down, his eyes open, and he returns Harry's gaze. His look is loving and transfixed.
Harry's own erection cries out for release. So he pulls his cum-covered hand out of Louis's underwear, sits down completely on his knees, pulls down his pants with one hand so that his penis springs out stiffly. He's not wearing any underwear. Then he wraps his hand, covered in Louis's cum, around his erection and starts jerking off. He doesn't take his eyes off Louis for a second, whose gaze doesn't leave him.
They understand each other without words. So Louis knows what Harry needs and wants right now. Louis sits up, takes off his shirt, and then lies back down on the couch. Harry releases his hand from his erection, slides higher on his knees toward Louis, while Louis closes his legs so Harry can kneel over him better. He reaches for Harry's thighs with his hands and motions for Harry to come higher. Harry now sits with his knees spread over Louis and continues to jerk off. He knows how much Louis loves watching him pleasure himself. In the night, only their heavy breathing and the obscene sounds Harry's hand makes around his penis can be heard.
“Right,” Harry gasps, and Louis nods slightly. He sits up and slides down to Harry so that they are very close. So close that Harry's erection touches Louis's stomach and Louis can feel Harry's hand movements on his stomach.
Harry stops moving his hand up and down, but continues to hold his erection and moves it slowly and playfully over Louis's stomach. He loves the feel of skin and muscle against his glans. It makes him shudder.
Harry leans down to kiss Louis. This time, Louis presses his thumb across the angle of Harry's jaw, and Harry parts his mouth, open and supple for him. This time, Louis deepens the kiss, persistent, teasing, and reverent. His hand moves to Harry's testicles, cupping them, teasing them.
The feel of Louis's hand on his testicles, Louis's kiss, and the feel of Louis's skin on his glans push Harry over the edge, and he moans into the kiss as he orgasms.
The kiss becomes gentler, more loving, and calmer as Harry comes down from his orgasm. Harry sits down on Louis' lap, wraps his arms around Louis, and pulls him close. He feels Louis wrap his arms around him too and hold him tight. The two sit on the deck chair, embracing each other. The blankets are scattered half on the floor and half on the deck chair. The cool night air makes them shiver.
But there′s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you
+++++++
We're only getting older, baby
And I′ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
Niall helps Harry tidy up the cabin while Louis and Zayn sit outside on the porch and smoke a cigarette.
Everyone involved is about to set off. Zayn is flying to see his daughter in the US. Louis and Harry are flying to Poland, where Louis will be performing at a festival tonight. And Niall is driving back to London.
Their time together in the cabin has now come to an end. They had been there for three days, thinking about Liam and spending time together.
Niall thought it was a wonderful time. It was good for him to spend more time with the other three men again.
He wishes they could do things like this more often. But unfortunately, their careers don't allow it. Maybe they should just take the time. Spending a few days together should be doable.
Niall stops folding the blankets and rearranging the pillows on the sofa and goes to Harry in the kitchen area, where he is emptying the refrigerator. Niall would take the things with him because the others couldn't take them on the plane. He hesitates to bring up something with Harry that is on his mind.
“You know, I thought I had to worry about Louis,” Niall begins cautiously. When Niall says Louis' name, Harry turns to him. "But he seems fine. You, on the other hand, worry me." Niall admits cautiously. Harry sits up, panting.
“I'm fine,” Harry says curtly. Then Niall just looked at him. As if he didn't buy what Harry said.
"Louis is fine," Harry tried to distract himself. At that, Niall just raises an eyebrow.
"I was there when his mother and sister died. I was there when you guys broke up, took a break, or whatever. I was there when Louis had his escape into alcohol, weed, coke and energy drinks. Niall whispers the last one quietly. Harry just swallowed at Niall's words.
"When I heard Louis, I really thought that was it. Now we're losing Louis too." Niall's voice cracks and Harry blinks away his tears. He takes a deep breath and then exhales and then looks at Niall with a steady gaze.
"I'm not letting him go. I'll never let go of Louis," Harry replies forcefully.
"Isn't it crazy that getting drunk and high on the balcony is exactly what Louis would have done," Niall says simply, pretending not to have heard Harry's words. Harry breathes in and out strangled at Niall's words. He mumbles something incomprehensible.
"That's a frightening thought, Harry. I've already turned a blind eye to Liam, so I didn't want to do the same to Louis. I've been concentrating a lot on how he's doing for the past few months. I've also been keeping an eye on Zayn because he's really not coping well with Liam's death. It was really scary at times, from what I could tell." Harry's gaze softens at Niall's words.
"Louis is doing well under the circumstances. I didn't leave him alone with it. I was there," Harry tries to reassure Niall.
"Yeah, but that made me lose track of you and I'm sorry because you're obviously not feeling well. And everyone's just focused on how Louis and Zayn are doing, but no one seems to ask you how you're doing," Niall blurts out. Harry has to swallow back tears.
"I assure you that I have people around me who care about me. Who are there for me. And I assure you that Louis and I are there for each other. He looks out for me as much as I look out for him. I admit that I've been really struggling since Liam's death, but there's still a level of grief," Harry says.
"Are you still going to therapy?" Niall asks him and Harry nods in confirmation.
“How are you?” Harry asks Niall in a soft voice and looks at him openly. Niall looks thoughtfully at the wall behind Harry.
"I thought that we would fall apart. I was afraid of losing you too. That it would affect us so much, it would hurt us so much that our bonds would be blown away in the wind. Like a box that you close tightly and tuck under the bed, never to be seen again," Niall begins to explain slowly. "How poetic," Harry murmurs, making Niall smile.
"But Louis wouldn't let that happen. He kept texting me. He even approached Zayn," Niall sounds surprised. It's not that far-fetched because Louis always looked after the boys. Always made sure they were okay. He is a good friend.
"Louis cares about his people. You are incredibly important to him," Harry confirms Niall's thoughts. "He can't lose you too. He suffers from fear of loss. It can be stressful at times when he gets clingy and then pushes you away the next moment to protect himself from the pain of losing you. It's gotten better because he knows his mechanisms. But sometimes they still occur," Harry explains quietly to Niall. Niall hums in agreement. He experienced it too.
Niall is always sending Louis emojis or photos of things he's doing or seeing - absolutely crazy things. But they show that he thinks about Louis and that he is a part of his life. Louis does it that way too. This is how their friendship works. That's how it was during the band's days. It's nice to see this being revived.
Niall realizes that after Liam's death, if he doesn't hear from Louis for 48 hours, he'll panic. He's used to Zayn not getting in touch for weeks. He's used to Harry not answering for days when he's busy. It was also the case with Louis that it took him a few days to answer.
Before Liam's death, Niall had been fine too. But today, Niall panics when Louis doesn't answer. With Harry, he knows he's okay. Harry wouldn't do anything stupid. He now gets on Zayn's nerves until he gets a reaction. But he knows Zayn wouldn't do anything stupid.
But Louis has done stupid things many times and Niall is really afraid of waking up to a message saying something happened to Louis when he was high.
After all, we're talking about the guy who broke his elbow in a race and fell down the stairs while drunk and broke his arm. From the guy who extended his contract with Syco so that the other guys could get out of their contracts with Syco. And like Niall said earlier, climbing around on a balcony high and drunk is exactly what Louis would do. Niall has nightmares about it.
He also dreams about Liam. In his dreams he keeps seeing Liam falling and lying on the ground. He dreams about how he received this news. Dreams of Louis' devastating screams. Hears Harry's wounded howl. Sees Zayn just collapse on the floor crying in front of the three of them after Liam's funeral. Niall dreams of Liam's grave and how he just wants to lay next to him.
Niall had been there. When he received the news of Liam's death, he drove to Liam's hotel. He stood there. Of course there was nothing left to see. But he stood in front of it and could only stare at that damned patch of ground. He wanted to throw himself off that balcony too. Just to feel what Liam felt. Niall feels like he deserves it after letting Liam down like that.
Afterwards he called Harry and told him. When he got back to London, he crawled into his bed. Full of fear about what happened. Was he pushed? Did he jump himself? Or had it been an accident. Each of the three variants was unbearable in its own right.
But there′s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you
+++++++
We're only getting older, baby
And I′ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
Louis looks around the hut. Harry is waiting for him in the car. Louis had to go to the toilet again, so he's now standing in the living room and looking around.
The sun shines through the large window and illuminates the room with soft light. He can't help but pause for a moment.
This cabin will always remain special. There will always be something nostalgic and sentimental about her. It was One Direction's last peaceful place. When Louis thinks back to his time in the cabin, he remembers this time with fondness. He idolizes the memories of it. It seems magical to him.
Louis thought he could feel some of the old magic when they came back here. That he can sense Liam, and to some extent he did.
But it also shows Louis how much time had passed. How much they had all changed. They were no longer the children they had been back then. They were now adults in their 30s who had been through a lot.
Louis thought it would be a good idea to come back here. They were all for it. He thinks they were all looking for something and hoping to find that something here. Maybe her old self. Maybe their old magic, their group dynamics.
But their friendship has changed - not necessarily in a negative way. They weren't that close back then because they were just getting to know each other. They were cautious and more reserved in their interactions with each other. Fifteen years have passed since then, bringing them together.
It calms Louis to see how close they still were. That they still laugh and cry together. That they still have some things in common.
Liam has left a big hole in their group. A void that can never be filled. His loss changed their group dynamic. Liam will always be sorely missed.
But he will always be here. Louis feels him in this hut.
He feels Liam on stage. When he performs on stage, Louis sees Liam next to him or diagonally in front of him on stage - just like it was in One Direction times.
He feels it when he composes music. He has his voice in his ear as he makes suggestions.
If one thing has changed since Liam's death, it's that they're all in more contact again. Be more involved in their respective lives. The future will show whether it will stay that way.
Louis will continue to sing her old songs, no matter what everyone else thinks. He hears and feels Liam when he sings her old songs. And as long as Louis sings One Direction songs, Liam will be immortal.
Louis will always carry Liam with him.
We're only getting older, baby
And I′ve been thinking about it lately
Does it ever drive you crazy
Just how fast the night changes?
Everything that you've ever dreamed of
Disappearing when you wake up
But there′s nothing to be afraid of
Even when the night changes
It will never change me and you
It will never change me and you