Work Text:
Theoretically, an invitation to a friend’s birthday party should be a fun thing, right? Something that one would look forward to? Something that a normal adult would prepare for with excitement, and not by staring in the mirror trying desperately not to spiral into existential crisis?
But then, for someone who even making it to “adult” was something of a medical anomaly, expecting “normal” on top of that feels like too much to ask.
Something bonks against Harumasa’s leg, snapping him out of his ruminations.
He squats to stroke the feline interloper’s head. “Whaddaya think, Trouble?” he asks. “How do I look?”
Troublemaker replies by biting the sleeve of his hoodie.
“Aw, you flatter me,” Harumasa laughs as he straightens up again and goes back to examining his reflection.
Honestly, in his own opinion, he’s not looking half bad right now. He’s elaborated a bit on his usual “let’s-pretend-I’m-not-horribly-ill” makeup—nothing too special, but just a bit of eyeliner, a subtle lip gloss, stuff like that, but he’s proud of his handiwork. Earlier in his transition, it’s something he might not have had the confidence to do, but damn, if he doesn’t pull it off.
It’s a funny thing, he reflects, to transition in a dying body. Aside from all the exhausting processes of having to juggle the medical procedures he needs to stay alive with the ones he needs to look the way that feels right, it just…feels like a constant race against time. As though there’s a constant question over his head: will he reach the point he wants to before it’s too late? Will the hormones and surgeries be done in time that his body will look like his own in the coffin? Will he finish jumping through all the legal hoops so that the name in his obituary is not the one that his parents gave him before they ditched him, but the one he and his master had come up with together, the one that’s truly his own?
Well. He’s finished all the stupid paperwork, and besides, the whole of New Eridu knows him as Harumasa anyways. He’s had all the gender-affirming surgeries he plans to have, and while hormones had initially been a tricky business in regards to his heart problems, he’d wound up finding a plan that didn’t destroy what was left of his health, and at this point he’s pretty satisfied with where it’s gotten him. So he’s won that race, hasn’t he?
Time will take many things from him, but not this. There’s some satisfaction in that.
Nice as the makeup looks, though, it may not have been the best idea. With such a big social event coming up, he needs to ration his energy, even on the small things like doing his makeup. He’s only just recovered from a pretty gnarly flare-up, after all.
The birthday girl had, in fact, messaged him about this exact subject yesterday. He absently retrieves his phone and scrolls back through to reread it.
Belle: Hey! Howya doin?
Yanagi was here earlier and she said you weren’t feeling so hot so i wanted to check in
Harumasa: Been better been worse haha
Belle: :(((
Anything I can do to help?
Harumasa: Nah I got it
You’ve got a birthday party to prepare for, after all
Belle: Yesyes!!!
Although if you’re not feeling up to coming I won’t be offended
Your health is more important
Harumasa: I’m sure I’ll be fine dw
Belle: Ok just don’t push yourself
“I’m not pushing myself,” he tells Troublemaker. “I’m fiiiine.”
Troublemaker meows.
“Don’t look at me like that,” he chides her. “It’s true!”
And it is true! He feels…alright. His chest hurts a bit, he’s tired, his head spins a little whenever he stands a little too quickly, but that’s…his normal. He can’t let that stop him from living what he has left of his life. He wants to spend time with his friends.
He scoops Troublemaker up into his arms, kisses her forehead, and sets her down again. “Don’t make too much mischief when I’m gone, okay?”
Troublemaker butts her head against his hand. If she’s trying to convince him of her innocence, it won’t work. She’s earned her name too many times for that.
Harumasa grimaces at the biting chill as he steps outside. HIs hand goes to his pocket, making sure he has his inhaler. Cold air doesn’t particularly agree with his lungs.
Sure enough, by the time he gets to the video store, his breathing doesn’t feel so great, and he’s somewhat dizzy.
He’s…mostly fine, though. It’s whatever.
As soon as he enters the store, he’s suddenly aware of how many people are here, many of whom he doesn’t recognize. How do the Phaethon siblings have so many friends? Even he, decidedly inclined towards being a social butterfly when he feels up to it, isn’t even sure there are this many people in New Eridu whose name he knows. Benefits of being Proxies, he supposes.
Belle glances over from her conversation with a young purple-haired woman, her face lighting up when she sees Harumasa. She tugs her brother’s sleeve, and both come rushing over.
“Harumasa! Hi! You made it!” Belle immediately wraps him in a tight hug, Wise following a second later with a much gentler one.
“I made it,” Harumasa agrees. “Happy birthday.”
“Thank you!” Belle smiles, then elbows Wise. “See, I said it right!”
Wise rolls his eyes. “I literally didn’t even say anything.”
“I feel like there’s a story I’m missing here,” Harumasa remarks.
Wise smiles a bit. “When Astra got here, she said happy birthday to Belle, and Belle said ‘you too.’” Ah. Of course they’re friends with, of all people, Astra goddamn Yao, because why wouldn’t they be? They really do know everyone. It’s quite impressive.
Belle buries her face in her hands. “We don’t have to reiterate it…”
Harumasa begins to laugh, and then immediately regrets it when it turns into coughs that leave him feeling winded. He fishes out his inhaler and makes use of it, leaning against the wall as he waits for his head to clear.
A hand lands on his arm—it’s Wise’s. He and Belle are both looking worriedly at Harumasa. “You alright?”
Harumasa nods. “Just, the cold weather makes my lungs act up. No big.”
Both siblings look rather dubious at this, but neither of them get the chance to say anything, as Harumasa is, out of nowhere, tackled by something very small and very blue.
“Whoa, calm down, Soukaku!” Harumasa chuckles, ruffling the little oni’s hair. “You act like you haven’t seen me in years.”
“It feels like years!” Soukaku looks up at him with huge, watery puppy eyes. “Work is always less fun without you.”
Oh. Harumasa smiles at that, and lets Soukaku take his hand and drag him towards the rest of Section 6. “So have I missed anything while I’ve been out?”
“Uh-huh!” Once they get over to Tsukishiro and Miyabi, Soukaku gestures dramatically at both of them. “I saw Chief and Nagi kiss right on the mouth!”
Tsukishiro groans, burying her face in her hands. “We really don’t need to rehash that right now, Soukaku.”
“Oho?” Harumasa’s smile grows even wider, enough that it makes his face hurt a bit, but he doesn’t mind. “Are you sure that isn’t some kind of power imbalance, Chief?”
“Well, functionally, Yanagi might as well be the boss around here,” Miyabi replies, smiling a bit. “I couldn’t fire her, no matter what should happen in our love lives. Section 6 would collapse.”
Harumasa snorts. “That’s true. So was this some kind of training in making Miss Tsukishiro blush?”
“Something like that,” Miyabi laughs softly.
“Well, it’s working, ‘cause Nagi’s face is practically the same color as her hair!” Soukaku teases.
“How about we change the subject?” Tsukishiro suggests, grimacing. “How have you been feeling, Harumasa?”
“I’ve been…” Harumasa shrugs. “I mean. I’ve been.”
“Hm.” Tsukishiro frowns. “Given what your baseline is, that’s rather concerning.”
“Naaaah,” Harumasa waves her off. “I’m alright now, I promise.”
“That’s what you usually say when you don’t feel good,” Soukaku argues.
“She’s right,” Miyabi agrees. “Don’t force yourself to do anything, alright? Let us know if something is the matter.”
“I will,” Harumasa promises. And he will! But that’s not right now, because he’s literally fiiiiine.
He’s fine! It’s nothing to worry about!
As the party goes on, Harumasa finds himself wandering around, chatting to people here and there. He says hi to Seth and his coworkers, exchanges somewhat awkward pleasantries with the Cunning Hares, lets the purple-haired woman Belle was talking to earlier and that teenager from Victoria Housekeeping explain the strange hatecrush situationship between their respective bosses, and chats with a redheaded, tanuki-toting individual and her much more skittish, oddly symmetrically dressed friend about the Inter-Knot forum they both frequent. Eventually, his energy does begin to flag, but he’s pacing himself. He knows himself well enough that he knows when he needs to take a break.
Any last remnants of liveliness he had rapidly come crashing down, though, when he takes a moment to check his phone.
He’s missed a call from his doctor. A sense of foreboding begins to churn in his stomach as he holds his phone up to his ear to listen to the voicemail.
“Mr. Asaba, I’ve looked at your most recent logs of your symptoms and corroborated them with test results from your last visit. Please call me back at your earliest convenience.”
Shit, shit, shit. Harumasa’s whole world spins before him.
And that’s not even the worst of it.
“I recommend you do so in private, or in the company of trusted loved ones.”
Harumasa has had several voicemails that end that way, and it always means he’s about to find out something awful. Until now, he’s always taken these calls alone, and proceeded to spend the rest of his day curled in on himself and panicking.
Now, however, things are different.
“Harumasa.”
Harumasa startles at Miyabi’s sudden appearance. “Jeez, Chief, don’t sneak up on me like that. Are you trying to send me to an even earlier grave?” The second he’s made the joke, it leaves an awful taste in his mouth, and from how Miyabi’s lips press into a thin line, he suspects she doesn’t find it funny either.
“You’re upset.” It’s a statement, not a question.
“It’s not a big deal,” Harumasa mumbles. “Just, uh, I have to step out for a minute and call my doctor back.”
“It seems serious,” Miyabi says, in the exact same tone as before. “I think you would like some company.”
Harumasa wants to deny it, but… “...yeah, Chief, that’d be nice.”
“Would you like Yanagi and Soukaku to accompany us as well?”
Harumasa pauses for a minute, then nods. Huh. For once, he actually will have his loved ones around him for one of these awful calls.
“Alright. I’ll go get them.”
Harumasa just stands there numbly as Miyabi rounds up the others, and when the four of them go outside together, Harumasa doesn’t let himself look behind him to see if Belle or Wise or anyone else sees them leave. He doesn’t want to think about that.
They find a quiet spot in an alley, and Harumasa redials the doctor’s number. As he waits for them to pick up, he hears Tsukishiro reminding Soukaku to stay quiet, but it’s as if she’s talking from another planet.
He sinks down on the floor, puts the phone on speaker and sets it in front of him gingerly, as though it’s a live explosive. He knows it’s silly, but it feels like it might as well be.
“Mr. Asaba.” Oh, that is not at all a good tone of voice. Harumasa is barely breathing. “Thank you for calling back.”
“What’s, um.” Harumasa clears his throat. Soukaku’s hand gently squeezes his, and he feels just a bit braver. “So what’s up with the, ah, the test results?”
“Well, we called for the tests after noticing a pattern in your flare-ups,” the doctor explains. “They seemed to occur for the most part after you had been doing work in the Hollows, moreso than we’ve seen previously.”
Maybe, maybe if Harumasa hopes hard enough, the next words won’t be the ones he fears they’ll be. It’s childish, but worth trying, right?
“There’s been a slight downward trend in your Ether aptitude. Not a huge one, but consistent enough that we can be fairly certain it’s not a coincidence.”
Ah. Yeah, that’s what he thought. The “regression” part of Ether Aptitude Regression Syndrome, the thing he always knew would eventually come. The beginning of the end. And Harumasa is…
…numb. Like the magnitude of feelings that he should be feeling are simply too much for his frail body to handle.
After a long silence, he begins to laugh.
He laughs, and laughs, and he can’t stop. He doesn’t know what’s wrong with him. It’s not funny, his friends are staring at him, but shit shit shit he can’t stop! He can’t stop! He’s dying and all he can do is laugh!
“So,” he finally breathes once he can control himself again. “How long d’you reckon I’ve got, Doc?”
“At our best estimate,” the doctor replies calmly, “around a year. Normally the prognosis would be much shorter at this stage of the illness, but you’ve consistently had such an impressive constitution for someone with your condition that the possibility that you will be alive a year from now is significant, as long as you’re careful.”
“...careful how?” Harumasa asks.
“Much of it is probably things you’ve already been doing,” the doctor says. “Getting plenty of rest, keeping up with your medications, doing what you can to avoid transmissible illnesses. Aside from that, it’s also important that you limit your exposure to Ether as much as possible.”
“Limit my–!” Harumasa should have guessed that would be part of it, but it still catches him off guard. “Doctor, I’m an HSO officer. I don’t see how that would be possible.”
“Well, if there are any parts of what you do that can be done outside the Hollow,” the doctor tells him, “you can continue with those. But otherwise, perhaps it would be better to find an alternative line of work for the time being.”
“No, there…” Harumasa croaks weakly. “There are, there are things I can still do at my current job.”
“Good. And…I’m so sorry, Mr. Asaba.”
“Yeah.” Harumasa swallows hard as he hangs up.
As soon as he’s off the phone, he’s hyperventilating. A year. A year at most, probably. He knew, logically, that at 24 going on 25, that would be the expected timeframe, an optimistic one, even, but hearing it in words is entirely different. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He’s not ready. He just wants to live.
All at once, sobs are wracking his body, the lump in his throat so heavy it feels as though it’s choking him. He curls around his knees, entire body shaking violently.
A hand running up and down his back reminds him that he isn’t alone.
The only person he’s ever cried in front of is his master, when he was a child. He’s never been much for crying in general, and it’s so contrary to his public persona that it feels unbelievably strange to do it so openly. But…the touch feels so nice that he leans into it more and more until he’s wrapped in a hug.
“Just breathe, Asaba,” he hears Tsukishiro’s voice tell him. “We’ve got you. You’re safe.”
Two other bodies join the embrace as well—Chief Miyabi settles against Harumasa’s back, her long ears brushing his cheek, and little Soukaku tucks herself under his arm. He can hear her sniffling a little as well, and he wants to comfort her, but he can’t even talk, he’s crying so hard.
It takes several long minutes before his breathing evens out. “Sorry,” he rasps. “Sorry, I’m…I’m alright. I’m fine.”
“No you’re not,” Tsukishiro insists. “Nobody would be. You don’t have to be fine.” She retrieves a pack of tissues from her jacket pocket and hands it to Harumasa. “We’re not going to leave you just for being upset about something so horrible, alright?”
Harumasa doesn’t know what to say to that, so he simply nods as he wipes the tears running down his cheeks and blows his nose. He doesn’t even want to know what he looks like right now.
A little hiccup from under his arm draws his attention to Soukaku. “Hey, buddy,” he whispers, ruffling her hair. “Are you alright?”
“No,” she sniffs. “I don’t…I don’t want you to die. Why…why do you have to…?”
He doesn’t have an answer for her, so he just scooches her a little closer and kisses the top of her head. She’s so little still. She shouldn’t have to deal with this. She shouldn’t have to deal with him.
None of them should have to deal with him.
“Chief,” he says softly. A hum from Miyabi confirms she’s listening. “I know on the phone I said I can still work from in the office, but if you don’t want me to do that, I don’t have to stay with Section 6 if—”
“Don’t say that.” Miyabi’s voice is firm but slightly choked, and when Harumasa turns to look at her, he sees her eyes are glassy. “You are very much welcome to come into work as long as you are in good enough health to do so, and even after you’re not—” a slight sniffle, “---we will still be your friends, and we will still love you unconditionally.”
“Oh,” Harumasa mumbles. “I mean, I…I love you too. All of you. Couldn’t have asked for a better team.”
“I love you too, Harumasa!” Soukaku exclaims, snuggling even closer to him.
Harumasa’s throat clenches again, but no more tears come. All he can do is shake and cling to the people he loves most.
Fuck, he’s so worn out. Not even by the physical symptoms of his illness, but just by the effort it takes his brain to comprehend the end it will soon bring. Something he should have been prepared for, but once he’s faced with it so soon, he simply cannot handle.
He lets out a long, shaky breath, laying his head on his knees. Tsukishiro’s hand rests gently on his shoulder again. “I’m assuming you don’t want to go back to the party.”
“Hah, yeah, no,” Harumasa agrees. “I feel bad ditching Belle on her birthday, but…I’ll DM her and Wise later, once I’ve figured out how to explain…” he gestures vaguely. Another thought that makes him feel nauseous. The Proxies have been so kind and understanding, and they’re such good friends to him, and they’ll simply be devastated.
“Alright.” Tsukishiro sighs. “Where are you parked?”
“I didn’t drive,” Harumasa replies. “I walked.”
“Asaba.”
“It’s not that far!”
“It is below freezing out. That cannot be good for your lungs.”
Harumasa tries to argue, but it just comes out in coughs. Not particularly helping his point.
“That’s what I thought.” Tsukishiro gets to her feet and offers him a hand. “Chief Miyabi gave Soukaku and I a ride here.” She glances over at Miyabi. “Would you be willing to take Harumasa back as well?” She’s oddly calm about it—she’s only recently decided to stop driving, since her vision has deteriorated so badly that it’s not really safe, but usually she chafes at having to ask others. These are extenuating circumstances, though, Harumasa supposes.
“Of course,” Miyabi replies.
Harumasa can’t argue with that. Even though he’d probably be fine for a walk home since he has his inhaler with him, the idea of wasting a single second with his loved ones when he has so few left is not one he’s willing to entertain. He lets Tsukishiro pull him upright, and the other two follow, the four of them all clinging to one another as though they’re attached at the hip.
Eventually, they make it to Miyabi’s car. She and Tsukishiro get in the front, and Harumasa settles next to Soukaku in the back. She scoots as close to him as she can with the seatbelt, her little hand gripping his.
Fuck, he’s so tired. His eyelids start to grow heavy as the car rumbles along, and before he knows it, he’s…
…on the rainy street again. He’s had this dream so many times that part of him knows instantly it’s not real. And yet, especially today, it feels so…vivid. The horrified faces around him, the sound of his own voice distorting as he tries to cry out. The body he looks down at that is no longer his own.
Occasionally, when he has this dream, he dimly recalls, someone will come to help him. When he was a child, it was his master. At the training academy, it was Seth. When he’d had it not long after the Ether drug case, it had been Wise and Belle.
He can’t see any of those faces. Just strangers who scramble away from him, features twisted in disgust, but this time there are also braver ones, lunging forward with nothing but pure hatred—
“Leave my friend be!”
…Chief Miyabi?
Yes, indeed, that’s the Void Hunter herself, sword drawn as she stands protectively in front of Harumasa. She’s trying to attack him, like the others on the street, but she’s defending him as though her life depends on it.
“Yeah!” pipes up Soukaku’s young voice. “No hurting Harumasa allowed! He’s not scary, he’s really nice and we love him, so we won’t let anyone be mean to him!”
Harumasa can vaguely make out a flash of pink standing firmly next to Miyabi. Tsukishiro…?
She turns back to him for a moment, the glare on her glasses so high he can’t see her eyes. “You’re alright, Asaba,” she tells him. “You don’t need to be afraid. You can rest. We’ll keep you safe.”
No, no, they’re not supposed to keep him safe! Section 6’s motto is that all evil must be eradicated, and he’s a monster, he is the evil that they’re supposed to—
“You’re forgetting the other part of that motto,” Miyabi calls back to him. “‘What is evil? That’s for us to judge.’ And we will never judge you as evil, no matter what.”
They should, he thinks. He’s dangerous. He could hurt them in this form.
But he just…doesn’t have the energy to argue with them. All he wants to do is just curl up, knowing he’s safe in the presence of the people he loves most. He’s…
…he’s not on the street anymore. Rather, he’s tucked into bed. It’s his own bed, he realizes as his eyes come into focus.
Foggy and sleepy, he tries to remember where he’d been before he fell asleep. He was… he was in Miyabi’s car, wasn’t he? He…
Ah, right. The phone call.
He’d almost forgotten that he’s dying. Well, he’s always been dying, but now it’s so close he could practically reach out and touch it.
Well, he thinks numbly, if he’s only got a year at most, he’s not going to spend it all just lying here.
When he shifts over to the edge of the bed and pulls himself into a sitting position, he realizes he’s not alone in the room—there’s a little oni sitting by his bedside, clutching his fluffy white cat in her arms.
“Harumasa!” Soukaku gasps, then turns to her feline companion. “Look, kitty, Harumasa’s awake!”
“I can’t believe she’s letting you hold her, it took me months to get to that point.” Man, Harumasa’s voice sounds horrible, all hoarse and congested from the combination of having been in the chilly outdoor air and crying so much. He sneezes, pulling his blanket around his shoulders and rubbing his eyes.
Soukaku frowns, brows crinkled in concern. “I almost forgot, Nagi made you some coffee. I think it’s still hot, and it’ll warm you up, so you should have some, okay?” She aggressively proffers a cup in his direction.
“Thanks.” Harumasa takes a slow sip. She’s right—warmth spreads through him as he savors the bitter flavor. He’s not sure if it’s just the drink itself warming him up, or the intention behind someone taking the time to make it for him.
“The kitty will also make you feel nice and cozy,” Soukaku adds with all the authority of a medical professional. “You should cuddle her immediately.”
“Yes, ma’am, Dr. Soukaku.” Harumasa gives her a little salute, then takes the cat from her arms. Troublemaker meows and bonks her head against him. As mean a creature as she can be, she always gets more affectionate when she can tell something is wrong. “Hi, pretty girl,” he coos, kissing her fuzzy forehead.
“What’s her name?” asks Soukaku.
“Troublemaker,” Harumasa replies. “She lives up to it.”
Soukaku giggles. “That’s funny!”
“I try.” Harumasa glances at the window behind Soukaku, and something catches his eye. “Whoa, Soukaku, look out the window!”
Soukaku gasps. “Whoa, it’s snowing!” She breaks out into a huge grin. “Can we go out and play in it?” Before Harumasa can answer, Soukaku frowns. “Actually, probably not. You’re tired and sad so you should probably rest.”
“Maybe another time,” Harumasa suggests. “Although it’s kind of late for snow, could be this is the last snow of the season.”
“Oh.” Soukaku keeps staring out the window. “Maybe next winter, then?”
Harumasa’s stomach twists. He doesn’t want to have to remind her. “Buddy…”
“The doctor said a year,” Soukaku replies, her shoulders hunching a bit. She still doesn’t look at him. “The start of next winter will be in less than a year. You’ll be there.”
“The doctor said up to a year,” Harumasa corrects.
“You’ll be there,” Soukaku insists again.
Harumasa doesn’t know how to argue with that, so he pulls her close and clings tightly to her. She rests her head against his chest, sniffing a little.
Harumasa ruffles her hair gently. “Are Chief and Tsukishiro still here?”
“Mm-hm,” Soukaku replies. “They’re in the kitchen.”
“Okay.” Harumasa gets to his feet, stretching his shoulders. “We should probably let them see that I’m up and about, huh?”
Soukaku nods, still clinging to Harumasa’s side. This poor kid has already lost so much. It’s not fair that she should have the misfortune of caring about him, someone she’s destined to lose as well.
At least Troublemaker coaxes a smile out of her by winding around their ankles as they make their way to the kitchen.
Harumasa pauses in the doorway, motioning Soukaku to stop next to him. Tsukishiro and Miyabi don’t seem to notice. It’s probably not a great role model move to teach Soukaku to eavesdrop, but whatever, that’s a problem for Tsukishiro.
“...I just feel so useless.” Tsukishiro’s voice sounds choked. “I’m not used to not knowing what to do. I just…” She sniffs. “He’s still so young to die. It’s so unfair.”
“I know, love,” Miyabi replies. “It is unfair. There are few things that make me quite so angry.”
“I really feel for Soukaku as well,” Tsukishiro mumbles. “She wants to be helpful, but there’s nothing she can really do. She’s just a child, and…it’s a lot.”
Miyabi nods, and gently kisses Tsukishiro’s forehead.
“What about you?” Tsukishiro asks, leaning into the touch. “How are you holding up?”
“Poorly,” Miyabi admits. “If there were anyone it was possible to blame for this, they would be dead in an instant, but illness cannot be slain by any sword. So what else is there to do but wish things could be different?” She sniffs as well. Have they both been crying? That’s not like them, but then, Harumasa supposes, it’s not like him either, and look how he’s been. “I suppose I feel useless as well. All of us do.”
Tsukishiro squeezes Miyabi’s hands in her own. “Miyabi, could I…ask you a favor?”
“Anything.”
“Maybe we…don’t tell Asaba about this,” Tsukishiro suggests. “If we do, he’ll feel guilty for making us feel bad, and I don’t want that. Not with everything. He can’t handle much more stress in his condition.”
Before Miyabi can respond, Harumasa decides he might as well alert them to his presence and gently clears his throat.
Tsukishiro and Miyabi both wince for a second, then turn to the doorway. Soukaku squeaks sheepishly and buries her face in Harumasa’s side. Harumasa ruffles her hair, then gives the most casual smile he can muster to his superiors. “Hey, Chief Miyabi, Deputy Chief Tsukishiro. I’d ask how it’s going, but, uh, I think I can guess.”
Tsukishiro sighs. “How long were you listening?”
“A minute.” Harumasa shrugs. “And bold words from the woman who somehow got into my apartment while I was asleep? How’d that happen?”
“Your key was in your coat pocket,” Tsukishiro replies. “I didn’t want to wake you. You needed the rest.”
Harumasa snorts. “Okay, cool, you went through my jacket to find my keys. Super normal.”
“Well, excuse me for letting you sleep.” Tsukishiro’s tone has taken on a bit of a teasing lilt, and for that, Harumasa’s relieved. At least she feels comfortable joking with him, rather than treating him like a fragile doll. He hates that kind of treatment more than anything. “You always complain when I wake you up at work, but now…”
“Well, yeah, but at work you aren’t taking my keys!” Harumasa huffs in false indignation. “At least, not to my knowledge. You aren’t, right, Deputy Chief?”
“Don’t worry, Asaba. Your keys are safe.” Tsukishiro’s eyes shift a bit, her expression taking on more concern. “How are you feeling, by the way?”
“Physically, I’m okay,” Harumasa replies. “Mentally, well…” Trying to keep the tone light, he makes an exaggerated gesture of grimacing and scratching his neck.
His nails brush skin, and he freezes.
Miyabi’s eyes meet his, and she reaches into her pocket, fishing something out. She extends it to Harumasa, and his stomach turns as he feels his choker drop into his palm. How did she get…? He’s not…? They all saw…?
Miyabi clears her throat. “You started pulling at it quite violently in your sleep,” she explains. “We were afraid you’d hurt yourself. Otherwise I never would have taken it.”
Harumasa hasn’t the slightest idea what to say to that, so he just whispers an awkward “thank you” as he attaches the choker around his neck.
The suffocating silence that stretches out afterwards is thankfully interrupted by an indignant meow.
“Yes, I know,” Harumasa laughs softly. “I’ve missed your dinnertime by a whole…” he glances at the clock at the wall, “five minutes. I torture you, truly.”
As Harumasa gets the cat food out and puts a portion onto a plate, Soukaku takes the chance to pet the excited little fuzzball, giggling softly. Harumasa’s glad she looks cheered up, at least.
When he turns back around, he sees that Tsukishiro and Miyabi are leaning into one another’s arms, with Tsukishiro pressing a soft kiss to Miyabi’s forehead. “Really, you two?” he teases. “PDA, in my house?”
Tsukishiro must still be in a bit of a teasing mood, because she raises an eyebrow at him. “Just because you’re still single, Asaba, doesn’t mean those of us in relationships aren’t allowed to enjoy that fact.”
“Hey, I have plenty of people who would be more than willing to fall head over heels for me,” Harumasa teases back, sticking out his tongue. “It’s out of my own kindness that I’m not going for it. I’m obviously such a catch that to give anyone just a year with this beautiful face would be a travesty.”
Tsukishiro flinches. “Ah. Sorry. That was…not the most sensitive joke.”
“No, no, it’s fine, I’m just being silly as well!” Harumasa hastens to tell her. “To be perfectly honest, I’m not much one for dating anyways. Never been super interested.”
“Is that so?” Miyabi asks, smiling a little. “Am I recalling wrong, or didn’t we have a conversation where you said that if either Proxy asked you out, you’d go for it in a heartbeat.”
“Okay, yes, and I stand by that, but one, I’m fairly certain the two of them qualify as a special case because, like, who wouldn’t, and two, that’s only if they initiated it, I probably wouldn’t make a move myself.” This is definitely a weird topic of conversation, but more comfortable than that of Harumasa’s impending death, so he sticks with it. “I’ve always been kind of take-it-or-leave-it about romance, anyway. Maybe it’s part of my isolated upbringing, or maybe I’m just built like this, but it’s never been all that important to me. I’ve dated a total of one person, and my thing with Seth was not a long lasting one, so.”
“The kitty guy from PubSec?” Soukaku blinks up at Harumasa owlishly, clearly curious. Success! He’s distracting his friends from anything particularly morbid! Maybe he can keep this up!
“Yeah.” Harumasa crouches to pet Troublemaker as he speaks. “It was when we were in school together. Pretty short, awkward situation overall.”
“How come?” asks Soukaku. “Seth is nice, I think. And you’re nice, so it works! Just like Nagi and Chief!”
Harumasa smiles at her, unable to keep himself from being charmed at her innocence. “Yeah, well, it’s not always that easy. I was still pretty new to, like, learning how to be around other people outside of the hospital, and I wasn’t really ready to tell people about my illness yet, especially not him, so that kinda…wound up with a lot of lying. I was constantly making up excuses about how I was always tired, and coughing, and dizzy, and in pain, and missing class, and eventually it just kinda weighed too heavy on me, you know? There are only so many head colds and family emergencies you can pretend to have before you go, hey, should I really be lying this much to someone I’m supposed to love? So I decided to split it off, and that was the end of that.”
“Oh.” Soukaku frowns. “That sucks.”
Harumasa shrugs. “All good. It was a long time ago, and anyways, like I said, I’m not a big one for romance. It’s nice and all, but I already have all the love I need.”
Miyabi smiles. “That’s very sweet. You’re lucky you’re so lovable.”
“I know I am, but takes one to know one, Chief.” Harumasa walks to her side and gently nudges her. She smiles back at him.
Soukaku bounces up to Harumasa’s side. “What about me? Am I that lovable, too?”
“Well, c’mon, that just goes without saying,” Harumasa replies.
“Yay!” Soukaku snuggles into his chest. “You’re the best, Harumasa.”
“She’s right,” Miyabi adds. “You are, indeed, the best.”
“Aw.” The compliment makes Harumasa’s chest feel warm, but at the same time, all of a sudden, there’s a squirming of guilt in his gut. “Hey, listen, uh. I’m really sorry about all this.”
Tsukishiro frowns. “About what?”
“I don’t know.” Harumasa shrugs and looks at the ground. “I just feel like…you’re all here, being there for me, and you have been ever since you’ve known about my illness, and I’m only going to be more and more useless to the team and need more and more help without really any way to give back. Doesn’t feel fair. So if there’s any way I can make it up to you, just say the word, yeah?”
“Don’t be ridiculous,” Tsukishiro replies as soon as Harumasa is finished talking. “As if you haven’t proven time and time again you’d do the same for us.”
“Huh?” Her words catch Harumasa off guard. “What d’you mean, Deputy Chief?”
“Well, hm. Just as an example, every time I’ve lost my vision at work, you always notice,” Tsukishiro recalls. “You never make a big deal of it, you just always come over to check in, and if I need it, you take my hand and don’t let go until I can see again. I know you’d never even consider leaving me alone when I’ve gone blind, because you’re just not that kind of person. I know I’ve given you plenty of grief for slacking off, but you really are one of the kindest people I’ve ever met. I’m sure the others have similar anecdotes.”
“Uh-huh!” Soukaku nods firmly. “Like that time I got a really bad tummy bug and you brought over movies from Random Play and ramune soda and board games and hung out with me all day! Even though I was super sick and out of it, I still had fun because you were there! And that’s why we wanna make you feel better too, ‘cause you’re always doing stuff like that!”
“And you remembered the anniversary of my mother’s death,” adds Miyabi. “You came over to me to check if I was feeling alright, and then asked if I’d like company after work. You listened to me tell stories about my mother from when I was a child, and shared stories about your master in return. You knew when I needed support and you offered it without any expectation of its being returned. Surely you’re beginning to see a pattern.”
Harumasa is struck silent for a moment. Yeah, he did all of those things, but… “That’s just, I dunno, it’s just being a good friend.”
“Exactly.” Miyabi shifts a bit closer, leaning into him. “And the same goes for us. I can’t speak for everyone, but I know that I am here because I love you and I want to spend the time that you have by your side.”
“The same goes for me.” Tsukishiro lays a hand on Harumasa’s shoulder.
“Mhm!” Soukaku runs up to Harumasa’ side and buries her face in his shirt once again. “We’re not gonna leave you! Unless you want us to give you space and stuff! But other than that, we’re not leaving!”
“I don’t need space,” Harumasa promises. “I want you guys here.” Which is the understatement of the century, but what else is he supposed to say? Yes, I want you all to stay more than anything? Don’t leave me like my parents and my master did? Don’t leave me like I’m soon going to have to leave you?
He’s still not ready to say all that. Maybe he never will be. Not like he has much time left to get there, anyway.
He is, however, ready to pull his best friends close and tell them, “I love you.”
All three of them repeat the sentiment back to him, and he feels his eyes prick with tears, but he doesn’t have it in him to cry anymore. All he can do is cling to them as tightly as possible, as if it’ll stop him from slipping away from them.
When he regains a bit of his composure, he chokes out, “You guys have no idea how lucky I am to have you. Seriously, even in my shortened life, I get to know you three. I’m so fucking lucky.” After a moment, he realized what he said and adds, “Sorry. Soukaku, you didn’t hear that, okay?”
“That’s okay, I already know that word,” Soukaku replies. “Nagi said it one time when she hit her funny bone on the doorframe really bad.”
“Soukaku,” Tsukishiro scolds lightly, her tone amused.
Harumasa laughs, still clinging to all three of them with all the energy he can muster. He wishes he could hold them close to him forever.
He can’t, though. He knows that. He’s always known that, and now it feels closer than ever. Only a year, at most, is left of moments like these.
He hopes they’ll remember this after he’s gone.