Chapter Text
Angel wasn’t a smoker.
He’d smoked maybe five cigarettes total in his life. An amount which was far too small for it to have any real effects. A number so tiny and unimportant, he could smoke a thousand more, and he still wouldn’t be harmed.
Perhaps he found himself to be invincible. Perhaps that wasn’t a bad thing, he thought, as Aki lit what would be his sixth.
School hadn’t been rough. His apartment had been a mess that morning, but he felt content. He had no true reason to be smoking.
This was all Aki Hayakawa’s fault, truly.
Angel remembers exactly how he had felt the first time he saw Aki. That blackened, stiff hair and the smell of his citrus perfume, which he’d applied to such an extend it reeked off of him. Angel found it to be rather charming really. To have sprayed so much perfume on oneself for the first day of sophomore year at college.
And when he found out Aki was catholic, that was when he became truly intrigued.
Now, Angel himself wouldn’t say he was that religious, despite his name and him growing up somewhat protestant. He would define himself as a lukewarm Christian at best. He’d never taken any interest in the Gospels, in Christ or The Bible. He’d gone to church some Sundays. He had prayed many times. He still did, when he felt somewhat down. If he’d watched a scary video on purpose, because he simply couldn’t look away and was afraid to turn off the lights.
Angel wasn’t a saint.
The problem wasn’t the fact that he mistook The Bible for a fantasy novel most of the time; the problem was, that he couldn’t for the life of him believe a word of it.
No - Angel didn’t understand a word of it.
The suffering of Christ, the crucifixion. None of it made sense to him. Not a word.
See… he wanted so badly to believe and understand it. To find more than momentary comfort in his beliefs when he couldn’t find the keys to his apartment. But he didn’t. He didn’t try or feel any reason to do so.
But then there was Aki.
Aki, the only classics major Angel had ever met, who wore his faith onto him like some batch or seal. Some necklace, which he proudly showed off (which he did, as he bore a crucifix). It wasn’t like he couldn’t have conversations that didn’t involve his faith, but it felt like his relationship with God always hung over him in some way, which seemed to brighten him. As if God strengthened him more than any drug could do. Even more than those fucking cigarettes… a half lie, maybe.
Angel had a hunch from the moment he met him. He reeked of citrus to such an outrageous degree, Angel instantly knew there was something off about him, something to be covered up. One time, when they got paired for a project together, Angel connected the dots.
Aki was a smoker. To an unhealthy degree. He could smell it on him - not that Angel was sniffing his classmate. He wasn’t weird. Just curious, was all.
Awfully curious.
Angel and Aki shared one class only; religious studies. Somewhat a given.
As a major in sociology, Angel appreciated religion and what it meant to the world, to him, to people like Aki. He didn’t believe in it logically speaking, but he felt somewhat attracted to it. He’d never really considered the differences between protestantism and catholicism before he came to know Aki in that class. He could tell instantly that this was a guy who’s entire life revolved around his faith.
"Because I’m catholic," he remembered him saying once. He didn’t remember when or the context. Whatever the teacher had asked. But he remembered the glamour in Aki’s voice. As if he’d just emptied a whole bottle of holy water. It oozed of him.
Ignorance. Purity. Love and naivety.
Angel wasn’t crushing on his classmate.
He wasn’t.
Aki was simply a calming soul to be around. He was quiet. Talkative, if one approached him (which Angel naturally hadn’t). He was well liked. No one judged him for his faith.
Now Angel had stumbled upon Aki, who was sitting on a bench in the park, a place he hadn’t seen his classmate before, but a place he himself liked passing through on his way home.
With his eyes Aki took him up and down.
"Hi, Angel," Aki said, his voice calm and soothing. Angel’s couldn’t help the way his mouth widened slightly. He wasn’t wearing his glasses, which he never did, and he had to be a thousand percent certain, that this was his classmate and not some stranger.
By his voice, he instantly got his confirmation.
"Oh shit, hi. What’re you doing here?"
Something in Aki’s expression shifted slightly. Angel immedietly suspected it was him swearing. He looked down towards where his hand was resting.
A cigarette.
I fucking knew it, Angel thought.
The pure thought of someone his age being phased by swear words yet addicted to nicotine was foreign, somewhat comedic. Ridiculous almost. Angel chose to ignore it. He was willing to stay a while despite everything.
Despite his confusion and utter inability to question his motives.
"You smoke?" he asks instead.
"Uh, yeah, sometimes."
Angel raises an eyebrow in suspicion.
"Sometimes?"
"Do you not believe me?" Aki asks before going in for another drag.
"I don’t."
"Fair. I’m working on it." Aki admitted with a carefree expression. He seemed tired almost. Like he couldn't be bothered to smile or see the funny thing about this encounter. Not that Angel blamed him for it. The two had never had an encounter quite like this one before, let alone met each other outside of school.
Aki exhales deeply, as if he's struggling to catch his breath or fully calm down. As if he hated himself enough and didn’t appreciate the reminder of him sinning on display like this.
"Is this the part where you tell me you knew I smoked? It's not like I'm secretive about it. I am to some people. My parents. And siblings."
"You have siblings? I didn't know that."
Aki smiles softly at that.
"I do. A younger brother and sister. Denji and Power."
"Power?"
"Nozomi. But she hates that. So we call her Power. That's just how it's always been," Aki explained, the orange tint of his cigarette catching Angel's gaze again. He inhaled sharply, seemingly not phased by the burn, which hurt Angel, and he couldn't for the life of him explain why it felt good.
Angel got a sudden urge, which Aki took notice of.
"Do you smoke?"
"Sometimes if I want."
"Do you want one now?"
"Yeah," Angel said perhaps a bit too fast, which Aki smiled faintly at.
Addict.
He whipped out his pack of cigarettes and handed Angel one.
Their hands touched. Nothing to reminisce about.
Angel placed it in his mouth and sat on the bench next to Aki, who had the lighter ready. Aki lit his cigarette and took another drag of his own before tapping the ashes off.
That was it, Angel thought to himself. I'm smoking on a bench with my classmate, with fucking Aki Hayakawa of all people.
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
There was a moment of brief silence. Angel inhaled the smoke and felt the sharp sting in his lungs. He coughed but tried to keep it in. To impress himself. To impress Aki… maybe. That too.
For fucks sake.
"Is your real name actually Angel?" Aki suddenly asks, making Angel turn his head to face him.
Blue. His eyes were so painfully blue. Intimidating and bright. Aki’s eyes weren’t dull. He had bags under them, Angel noticed then. Perhaps something he was born with. A central part of him and his worldly shell.
Angel was reminded of faith again.
Why Angel had taken such an interest to Aki and especially Aki’s religious beliefs lately, he didn’t exactly know. Whenever they discussed humane things like abortion stances or gay marriage in their class, he caught himself stealing glances at Aki, who had his eyes fixated on a certain point. The wall, somewhere outside of the window, he was seemingly always in his own bubble, avoiding contact like the plague.
It wasn’t always. Not a constant habit. But it happened.
"Yes, it is." Angel answers, hoping he didn’t stare and wonder for too long.
Aki looks somewhat surprised, as if he’d expected for Angel’s name to be a nickname, short for Angelo or something.
"Why?" is all he asks.
"My parents thought it was cute. Dunno," Angel murmurs with a light shrug, tasting the nicotine once more. It was odd, uncanny almost. It was as if grey little clouds formed in front of his eyes, fogging up his sight and train of thought. He felt dizzy. His heartbeat pumped in his chest, as if it was trying to escape him.
He felt nauseous and felt no temptation to leave or quit this conversation or smoke session. Whatever this was, he stayed.
Aki bites his cheek and rests his eyes on some point between Angel’s shoulder and hair, avoiding eye contact again.
Not that Angel complained. Those eyes couldn’t be anything but intimidating.
"Hm. I like your name. When I first heard that was your name I was astonished. I’ve been wondering ever since."
"It is my real name," Angel confirms again, suddenly all too aware of what Aki might find fascinating about it.
He wasn’t a goddamn coward.
"You’re very religious, aren’t you?"
"You know that. Are you a believer?"
"Uh, kind of. I’m protestant."
Aki’s eye twitched. Then he seemed to sink a bit back onto his seat on the bench, as if to get comfortable.
"Hm. Actively?"
"What?"
"Do you believe in God? Do you go to church? Pray?"
"Uh, I have gone to church. I don’t anymore. I pray sometimes."
"Do you believe?" Aki asked again, proving to Angel, that that had been the only question he’d truly wanted an answer to.
Angel could easily give him the truthful answer. Fuck no, I’m not religious in the slightest. I don’t believe in God in any capacity. Man or being. Anything holy, Jesus. It’s a comfort, but it isn’t true.
The words felt stuck in his throat. He convinced himself it was the nicotine.
"I have no idea," he lied.
"Are you… like… curious?"
"Curious?"
"Like experimenting. Finding God."
Finding God. Angel turned that phrase over in his head again. The way the name sounded in Aki’s mouth felt pure and loving. As if he was talking about a pet, a tiny goldfish or cat he had owned as a child.
Angel wondered if Aki had always been religious. Family wise he knew the answer - but personally, it was something different.
Angel knew that there was a fine line between being "religious" and actually believing. He knew better than anyone, because he himself hadn’t crossed that line yet. He felt a deep desire to know exactly when Aki himself found God. He wanted to know his expression, when he realised there was some God living inside of him, he wanted to memorise every shift in his face, when Aki had accepted a love that cost him nothing, except for the trust that someone had given their life for him.
Did the passion of Christ genuinely move Aki? Had Aki cried shamefully, knowing he too was sinful at some point in his life? Did Aki deem Jesus as a friend?
Did Angel?
God. Spending time with Aki was making Angel want to go to mass for the first time.
"Is it a given that someone named Angel has to believe in God?"
"Well, if one wants to be saved, yes," Aki said with a light teasing smile, as if to convince Angel he wasn’t being sincere, as if to convince the world he didn’t worry about heaven or hell daily. Angel saw through it.
Even Angel worried about life after death.
"If one wants to be saved. Hm."
"I’m just curious," Aki said
"Sure you are."
They both kept smoking in silence for some time, the only noises audible being the dogs in the background of the park as well as the occasionally blow of smoke, exhale and the burn of the paper.
"Honestly… I’ll admit I’ve been very curious about christianity lately," Angel sucked up the courage to admit.
"That’s wonderful," Aki said instantly, as if he was just waiting for the opportunity to come. "With your name and everything. Do you know why your parents named you Angel? Are they very religious?" he continued.
Angel hadn’t realised it, but Aki was smoking his second cigarette, apparently not eager to leave either.
"Not at all," Angel answered truthfully.
He saw preparation and determination in Aki’s eyes.
"So you’re a lukewarm?"
"Yeah. I think."
"But curious?"
"You’re making it sound like you’ll take me to mass someday," Angel said, suddenly sounding confrontational. He could tell Aki was digging, as if he was trying to be of help.
Angel recognised the desperation.
Aki was trying to be good.
I just want you to go to heaven with me, Angel.
There was a charged pause.
Then he spoke.
"You can come with me to mass someday," Aki said suddenly.
For some reason, Angel suddenly saw clearly through the nicotine, the buzz wearing off in an instant. An act of God, he mocked himself for thinking.
He was still feeling the aftermath of his cigarette, when Aki handed him a new one.
An invitation. A promise.
He took it without as much as a glance, allowing Aki to light it for him again.
"Every sunday?"
"If I attend mass every Sunday?"
Angel nodded.
"Yeah, I do. It’s important to me. It soothes me."
"Is that why you like God?"
At that Aki laughed unexpectedly. Not some small giggle or a huff. A genuine laugh, which didn’t last for long, but had come from the stomach. A place of pure shock.
"Like God? You protestants. The audacity."
Angel felt a warmth in his cheeks and couldn’t prevent the smile that greeted his face. He felt it spreading, creeping in on him.
What the fuck was happening?
"Protestant, catholic. We’re both Christian. We both believe in the same God."
"Are you talking about you and me or the bigger picture?"
"Whichever you prefer."
Angel exhaled smoke through his nose and sat with the familiar, comfortable headache for a few seconds. Aki let the words sink in, as he himself took a deep breath. His next exhale was eager.
Just looking at Aki smoking hurt.
The way Aki smoked was reckless, as if he would die if he didn’t get his hands on the tobacco. Sometimes he’d lean his head back slightly, as if the pleasure overwhelmed him, made him come undone.
Sinful, Angel thought, before pushing those thoughts down.
He wasn’t crushing on Aki. Period.
"I think that’s the difference between catholicism and protestantism. We love God, you tolerate Him."
"How can you be so sure Gods a he?"
Aki’s eyes widened, clearly more than offended. He saw him trying to keep his thoughts under control. For the first time Angel saw Aki properly mad.
"That’s not a discussion I want to have in all honesty. Are you really… like, not at all-"
"I know. But I just want to know what you think."
"There’s nothing to think. God is male."
The conversation died out briefly. Angel expected for Aki to take his leave soon. This cigarette would be his final in Angel’s presence, and they would go back to school as nothing more then classmates and acquaintances.
Angel could smell the smoke mixed with Aki’s perfume. He suddenly felt warm.
Aki let out a loud exhale.
"You’re very welcome at mass. Everyone is. I think God might’ve put this urge in you as a sign. I strongly encourage you to give it a try."
Sure, the urge is God. That was definitely more logical of an explanation than Angel’s fascination and with his chain-smoking classmate.
"God has planted some seed in me which will sprout?" Angel asked, tasting the idiocy of the statement in his tongue.
"Yes!" Aki said enthusiastically, as if he was getting high off all this talk about God. Perhaps that was indeed the case. Angel found himself more curious than ever at that.
Aki swallowed. Then he tried again after having collected his thoughts.
Had Aki gotten carried away for a moment there?
"Yes, I believe so. It would do you good. I think this is very beautiful."
"So if I just showed up at your church, you’d…?"
"Be happy for you," Aki said before getting up and stepping on his dying cigarette.
Aki sent him a final smile.
"I hope to see you this Sunday. Or some Sunday. If not I’ll see you at school anyway. Tomorrow, before Sunday. But think about it."
No, of course I won’t, Angel thought. No - he didn’t even want to let the thought get into his head, nonetheless let it sit and rest there. This was a matter of pure logic. God didn’t exist. There was no such thing as God. Jesus hadn’t even lived!
He saw the way Aki’s eyes had become brighter, more open during this talk, this conversation about God and divinity. It was as if this talk had energised him, charged his heart.
And Angel suddenly became confused as to why he was this against the idea of God in the first place.
With that, Aki left Angel alone on the bench, his cigarette still alive and flaming with the fire Aki had lit for him.
Angel inhaled, trying to mimic the way Aki had done it. It burnt. His next hit hurt even better.
One Sunday couldn’t hurt. To kill the curiosity. To hopefully see what Aki saw.
What Aki saw…
With not even the faintest clue as to why he felt this drawn to Aki’s love for God, Angel put out his cigarette and headed back home.