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“Masha, be honest with me,” Natasha says. Trying out her gala dress in every angle as her eyes burn through the mirror.
Maria hums, her attention quickly snapped to Natasha. She stops typing on her laptop for a moment, she knows that tone.
Natasha purses her lips, “Do you think this looks okay?”
“You look beautiful, like always.” Maria smiles.
However, Natasha didn’t know why, but it felt like parts of her were stretched out and wrong. She turns to the mirror again, hands roaming down her body; reminding herself of what she has. But it doesn’t reach her. Maria instantly notices.
The brunette places her laptop down, approaching Natasha, helping her hold her hair up to the bun she planned on. “Why do you ask?” She softly brushes her fingers on Natasha’s collarbone.
“You say I’m beautiful and I should believe it,” Natasha sucks in a breath. “But I don’t feel like it.”
“You are so pretty, why do you think you feel this way?”
A small moment of silence hangs between them. Natasha moves away from Maria and sits on the couch, taking a cushion to sit on her lap and cover her stomach. “I don’t know, it feels like the worst.” She admits.
Maria follows her, sitting on the floor below her legs so her eyes can meet Natasha’s no matter what. “Can you tell me more? Do you want to tell me more?” She asks.
“There’s times where I feel so confident, like I’m just sitting on a cloud because I know I’m pretty, and it feels like it too. But then, there’s just those times where I start to notice every flaw on my body, and I wonder why anyone would even want to touch me.
People would die to even look like me, I know that. But then, I see how I’m gaining so much weight, how the circles under my eyes grow bigger, my nose starts to look weird, and suddenly I can’t even take a picture anymore because I feel like a waste of space.
And I could try to fix it with makeup, or make myself throw up, but I am not as pretty as the people I see around me.” Natasha didn’t know she was holding all of that in. All of it, all her inner battles are real. And hearing them made Natasha feel nauseous.
Maria didn’t notice the insecurity, all the self-destruction Natasha was doing. Not even the eating disorder, and she felt like the world was caving in on her. How could she not see that her girlfriend was drowning?
She always prided herself in being observant, but apparently not when it matters. Now, she didn’t know what to do. “I’m so sorry I didn’t notice this, baby.“ was all she could say at the moment.
“It’s fine. It’s not like I was announcing it.” Natasha humorlessly laughs.
“No, it’s not fine.” Maria tangles their hands, “I should’ve noticed it. But, Natasha, please don’t starve yourself, or make yourself throw up because you don’t feel “pretty” enough. You’re the most gorgeous girl I’ve ever laid my eyes on and I’m sure that goes for everyone else.
Even then, there’s times gorgeous people can have bad days and that’s fine. You’re allowed to feel down about yourself at times, but please, don’t do that. And who cares if you don’t perfectly fit the beauty standard? Humans are so beautiful and so complex, and we simply can’t be put into a box. They try to, and when we don’t fit into that box it feels wrong, I know. But I assure you, you’re perfect the way you are.”
Natasha laughs at that a bit, tears dwelling in her eyes as her lips curl up. “Thank you.” She gazes at Maria.
“No need to thank me, I just told the truth you had to hear.” Maria gently takes Natasha’s hand and plants a soft kiss.
Throughout Natasha’s entire life she believed that there were only two ways. To the right where nothing is left or, to the left where nothing is right. Because to go back is impossible when the past is already gone even if she desperately clings to it, and a woman like her has no shot of a clean future.
However, it doesn’t have to be like that. She can go anywhere she wants, be whoever she wants to be, and live. Because, that’s the entire reason she got out.