Chapter Text
It’s dark in this bathroom, the only sound being the dripping water. And the light? It might as well shouldn’t have been there considering how dim everything still is with it on.
My hands are shaking, they can’t stop shaking. My wedding ring glints in the low light and I rip it off my finger, tossing it down the drain. But my hands are still fucking shaking. What have I done? Why did I do that? Fuck.
I try to steady my breathing. In for two, out for four. You can do this, Shipman. Get it together, dammit. I look up in the mirror and suddenly, everything is clearer. What was I panicking about again? I shake my head, whatever that was… I don’t know, that’s not important.
I take a deep breath as I stare into the mirror. “Jackie…” I murmur to myself, but even that seems to echo in these grimy walls. “Could you really be in this town?”
With a heavy sigh, I shake my head and straighten up. Exiting the crappy bathroom and walking out to the observation deck. The trees outside are rustling with the wind. It could almost be calming if the sky wasn’t so grey. But I lean against the railing anyway.
I received a letter, and the name on it was Jackie’s. My wife’s name. It’s stupid, it could not possibly be her. But that’s what I keep telling myself anyway. She died three years ago, all because of that damned disease. So why the hell am I here anyway?
With a sigh, I pull the letter out of my pocket anyway. This off white envelope contains her letter and a photo of her in the town. I take them both out, pocketing the envelope so that I’m holding both her photo and letter in my hands.
“Hey, Shipman
In my dreams, I can still see that town. Wilderness Peaks. You promise me that you’d take me back there someday. But you never did. Well, guess what? I’m there now, all alone. Here in our ‘special place’. Waiting for you… Waiting for you to come see me. But you never do.
So I wait, wrapped here in a spiral of pain and loneliness. And listen, I know I’ve done terrible things to you. And I understand if you never forgive me for what I did. I wish I could change that, but I can’t. I just feel so pathetic and ugly. Just laying here and waiting for you. Every single day I stare up at the cracks in the ceiling and all I can think about is how fucking unfair it all is…
The doctor came by today, you know? He told me that I could go home for a quick stay. It’s not like I’m getting better, and this might very well be my last chance. I think you know what I mean, but Wiskayok is just so far away from here. But even so, I’m glad to be going home.
But I’m afraid, Shauna. I’m scared that you might not want me to come home. Whenever you come to see me, I can tell how hard it is on you. I don’t know if you hate me or pity me now. Just like you did back in high school. Or maybe I’m just disgusting to you now?
I’m sorry about that, Shipman.
It’s just, when I first learned that I was going to die, I just didn’t want to accept it. I mean, I was Jackie freaking Taylor. I was so angry all of the damn time and I took it all out on you. Especially you, Shauna. That’s why I can understand it if you do hate me.
But I want you to know this, Shauna. I will always love you. Even though our life together had to end like this. I wouldn’t trade it for the world. It was everything to me, the most wonderful experience. It was everything to me that I got to grow up with you, fall in love with you, and spend my life with you.
Well, this has certainly gone on too long for a letter, at least for me. You were always the better writer between us. So I’ll start saying goodbye now. I told the nurse to give this to you after I’m gone. So that means by the time you read this, I’ll already be dead. I can’t tell you to remember me. But I can’t stand the thought of you forgetting me.
The last few years since I became ill… I am so sorry for what I did to you, what I did to us. You’ve given me so much, given me everything. And I haven’t been able to return a single thing to you. So this is the only thing I can give you now. The chance to live for yourself now. To do what’s best for you, Shauna.
Don’t be sad, Shipman. Just know… You really made me happy.”
As I read through it one more time, I couldn’t help but scoff. Given her everything, huh? I guess I did. I gave up going to Brown for her. It was hard to break her early admission, but after her and Jackie fought that night after Nationals and nearly wrecked their friendship before confessing their feelings for each other, she didn’t want to go to Brown anymore if it meant she could have Jackie at Rutgers.
There were many lines that ticked me off too. Like when Jackie called me the better writer between us. I haven’t written anything in a long time. After we graduated from Rutgers, Jackie wanted to go back to Wiskayok so she could take over her father’s company, and I followed. The only job I was able to get was as an editor for Wiskayok’s local paper. I only ever write in my journals now.
And yeah, I definitely had some form of resentment for Jackie. When she was sick, she got mean. Really mean to me.
But either way, I was here now, in this town. But could she really be here? Jackie died three years ago because of that damned illness. So who could have sent this letter to begin with? Probably some punk with a twisted sense of humor. But it was definitely her handwriting, I’d recognize those swooping curves of her handwriting anywhere.
“What do you mean by our ‘special place’?” I murmur into the air, not really expecting an answer back, just pondering. Because, at least to me, this whole town was our ‘special place’. But I really did promise her that we’d go back here someday. I promised her that after our vacation here.
She found this brochure at some point that was endorsing this place for its old school rustic charm and sprawling views of the Rockies and a lake. I didn’t really want to go, but she convinced me, so I drove us here. I loved every moment I spent with her here.
I don’t really care if she’s alive or not. If there’s even a single chance that she’s here. I will take it. I just wanted to see her so bad. Even if it’s just one last time. But deep down, I just hope that she’s out here in our ‘special place’, waiting for me.
I walk back over to my car, settling myself into the driver’s seat before I begin the hike to Wilderness Peaks. Opening the glove box, I take the map that shows the trail leading to the town. I’d have to walk it the rest of the way. The road condition really wasn’t the best for a car. Something catches my gaze in the rearview mirror, this blanket covered in poppies. Jackie’s favorite flowers. Why it was there again, I don’t remember. But that doesn’t matter, I had a hike to make.