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“If we knew each other back then, do you think we could have been friends?”
-Aang, Season 1,Episode 13: The Blue Spirit
Zuko is freshly 6 when he meets his summer friend for the first time. Apparently, even airbending monks liked the quiet, warm excitement of Ember island. Except they called it “cultural education” or something like that. Whatever it was, Zuko at least understood enough to know that it meant that he’d always have a friend to play with when his family made their yearly trip to the island. Sure, he had his siblings, but his brother was often busy and his sister… didn’t always play nice. It was like a special little secret just for him. Sometimes he’d just whisper it to himself to taste the pleasure of a secret on his tongue, “I have an airbender friend, his name is Aang, and he’s so COOL!”
Zuko is almost 9 when his brother Iroh comes back from the military front looking more sad and dejected than Zuko has ever seen him. It wasn’t supposed to end like this. Iroh had made it seem like the siege was going so well in his letters. He’d said there was no way Ba Sing Se could withstand the great ‘Dragon of the west’ and his army. Yet the courtiers still whisper stories of how the fire nation breached the outer wall of the city and just... left. “Cowardly,” sneered an official, “Traitorous” quipped another, “The Dragon of the West has lost his mind,” the servants gossiped when they thought Zuko wasn’t listening. Zuko tried his very hardest to ignore the rumors. He really did! But it was hard to ignore the looks Father kept shooting at Iroh. Not that Iroh noticed, his eyes were directed somewhere else, some far off world where Zuko couldn’t follow him. He’d hide in his room for hours,leaving only when forced. Zuko hated seeing his brother this despondent. He’d tried to invite him to tea (Zuko thought it tasted yucky, but it made Iroh happy) or ask if he could show him “that cool fire bending move”, but all it yielded was a soft “Not now Zuko maybe later,” through the door. When Zuko’s birthday comes, Iroh joins the outside world for an entire day. Even though his smile never reaches his eyes, it’s the best birthday present Zuko could have ever asked for. Well, that and a new set of dau sword grandfather gives him. It’s only a week later that Iroh leaves for what he calls a “spiritual journey” Zuko doesn’t cry when he goes, he wants to, but Father said that it’s not fitting for boys to cry. So he keeps it in until he’s all alone in his room and Azula’s off training so she won’t tattle. Even then, he’s careful to make sure his eyes aren’t red when he goes to dinner. Father is a lot less forgiving without Iroh there.
Zuko is 9 when he sneaks out of his family’s house on Ember Island during the middle of the night to meet up with Aang on Toke Hill. They laugh and talk about nothing for hours, just looking out onto the midnight sea. Near the break of dawn their conversations ran dry and their laughter turned to yawns. A little before dawn, Aang sighs contentedly and looks over to Zuko. “don’t you wish this moment could last forever?”
“Yeah”. They lapse into silence as the waves lapse against pearly white sand.
Suddenly Aang shoots up with a big grin on his face. “Hey,” he says “Why don’t we promise the spirits to be summer friends forever?!”
Zuko was quiet for a moment contemplating it (but not questioning it; Aang had wild ideas all the time),”Does that include Appa too?”
Aang laughed. “Duh, I wouldn’t have it any other way.” Zuko smiles and stands up to hook pinkies with aang.
“I promise”.
It was the last summer that Zuko saw Aang.
Zuko is 10 when Sozin’s comet comes for the first time: a brilliant burning ball of fire streaking through the sky that fills his stomach with an enveloping warmth. The entire fire nation fills the night with dancing and magnificent displays of fire bending. Time seems to drag on forever as he and Azula perform their katas for the parades, shooting great plumes of fire that swirl like dragons in the air. Zuko laps up the cheers and praises from the crowd even if he knows most of it for Azula. it’s nice when we get along, he thinks. Nothing could possibly taint this night, not the fact Grandfather was away on some military outing, not the fact that Iroh still hadn’t come home, not even the icy breeze that blew by, as if the air was trying to take him away. While slightly chilling, it was nothing that a breath of fire couldn’t chase away; for tonight was the night of Sozin’s comet and fire benders lit the world ablaze.
Zuko is 10 ½ when Grandfather dies. It’s the same night his mom left, but he’s not allowed to talk about that. No one ever brings up her name anymore. It’s like one of the evil spirits from her stories took her away along with everyone’s memory. He and Azula aren’t given much time to be sad. Little princes and princesses are expected to mourn their dearly departed grandfather and firelord properly with honor. Of course, Azula is the perfect griever in public, always saying and doing the right things with grace. During Grandfather’s funeral, she stands still for the 5 hour service and doesn’t fidget even ONCE! But Zuko knows it’s just a lie. He could hear her bitter sobs all the way from her room at night. He wanted to go hug her, tell her it was okay to miss mom, Angi knew he missed her too, but it wouldn’t do any good. She’d probably just hit him and tell him she was only faking, “Angi, you’re so gullible, Dum-Dum!” she’d say, yet her broken sniffles would give her away.
Zuko is 12 when he wrangles his way into his first war meeting. He’d been hatching plans to sneak into one for years; none were successful. Who knew the best way to crash a meeting was to manipulate your older brother (who had been going to those meetings for years: utterly unfair) into letting you in. Finally a chance to prove himself just as capable as his siblings: a chance to be the prince his nation needs…until he doesn’t. It seems all a blur now, like a strange out of body experience. It was some other person who heard the plan to send soldiers as bait, another person who stood up, someone completely different who passionately disagreed. Yet it was his mouth that words fell out of. His mouth that accepted the agni kai. It was his own hand shaking as he left the room.
Zuko is still 12 half a day later (though it’s felt like it’s been years) when he stands on the platform waiting for the fire sages to initiate a start.
(He could take that old general, couldn’t he? Of course. General Hon was ancient, a rusty old candle that could never match his fire)
(...His teachers said he was almost hopeless at his bending)
(No. they were relics themselves, what did they know?)
The gong sounded.
Filled with the confidence only an ignorant child could achieve, he spins around to face his opponent. All his confidence slid out as the world tilted underneath him. Standing on the platform was his father. Standing on the PLATFORM was his FATHER. Zuko drops to the ground in a seiza kneel: “I’m sorry I spoke out of turn. It was not my place to do so, Father, forgive me!”. He’s hyperventilating, Firelord Azulon doesn’t answer- (maybe the crowd was too loud), (maybe he didn’t hear). Azulon walked closer to Zuko with the same steady pace. “I am your loyal son, I don’t want to fight you”, Zuko tried again, “Father, Please I-”.
“Silence” Azulon roars. He roughly pulls Zuko’s chin up, forcing him to look him in the eyes. Zuko probably looks pathetic; tears streaming down his face and fear in his eyes. Azulon is the polar opposite; a powerful figure, with nothing but cold emptiness in his eyes. He pulls Zuko close as if to embrace him “You miserable cur, I curse the spirits for sending me such an worthless son.” he whispers in Zuko’s ear. Zuko’s breath catches in his chest as his father’s hand slides from his ear to his cheek. There is no time for air as Azulon lights his face ablaze.
Zuko feels overwhelmingly 12 as he hugs his brother goodbye before boarding his new ship. Technically Iroh wasn’t allowed to be here, but Zuko will never tell - who was there to even tell? Zuko presses his face into Iroh’s shirt trying to ingrain the smell of campfire,and ginseng into his memory. “Write to me, okay?” he says
Iroh smiles- he tries to come off as warm but it just looks anxious- “I’ll write so often you’ll groan at the thought of another letter full of Pai Sho and silly gossip.” That makes Zuko press his face even harder into Iroh. Throwing away fake cheer, Iroh sighs, “Azula didn't want to risk being here, but she told me to tell you to come home soon.”
Zuko snorts. “Did she say it exactly like that?”
“Nah. She also called you a Dum-Dum and said she’d light the turtleduck pond on fire if you took too long.”
Zuko steps out of his brother’s embrace, whatever visible part of his face looks grim. “Well all I have to do is find the avatar. If I work hard I could be back in a year”
Iroh presses his lips into a straight line. “Zuko, we don’t even know if the avatar is still alive.”
“-So I’ll just check all the water tribes on the way to the air temples.”
“Just say the word and we can both run away, live in the countryside for a bit or something- you don’t have to do this.”
“My HONOR is on the line ,Iroh, I’m not going to hide like a coward!”
Iroh opens his mouth to retort, but before he could say anything the ship’s whistle blows. Zuko squeezes Iroh's hand one last time before he climbs up the ladder. “Look, I’ll be back before you know it. Tell Azula I’ll miss her too.”
A whistle blows for the second time and the watercraft lurches forward. Iroh runs along the pier trying to keep up with the boat. “I Love you Zuko,stay safe!” he yells into the wind. Zuko watches him, until the pier ends. Where he’s going no one is allowed to follow.
Zuko is 15 only to gain a whole lot of bitterness and exactly 0 avatars. He’s been all over the globe countless times, searched every nation, every temple, every tribe- heck- he’s been in every earth nation town big or small. No sign of the avatar; no one can even tell him where to begin looking (not that very many people these days respond politely to anyone in fire nation uniforms). Zuko leans against the railing, feeling the icy wind rustle through his phoenix plume. If all goes well they should reach the North Pole in a few hours: for the first time, his luck holds. Using the turtle-seal as a guide, Zuko sneaks into the city and skirts his way around the residents to check every crevice of the place. He finds not even a whiff of the avatar. When he stumbled upon a hidden oasis in the rear of the city, his fire roars hopefully in his stomach. If the avatar was to be anywhere it would be here in a nonsensical hidden springtime.
Yet, he isn’t here. He isn’t anywhere.
Zuko drops to his knees in front of the pool in desperation. Two fish, reciprocal in color, swim circles in the warm water, perfectly in balance, creating a never ending cycle. Just like the Avatar. The Avatar he'll grow old and die looking for because, let's face it, he's chasing a myth isn't he?
Something withers in his stomach at the thought. He growls and kicks a leg out to splash the water. The fish startle from their path and break the circle, only to resume their course a moment later once the water has settled. Zuko smacks the water once more to see if they'd move again. They don't this time, ignoring his presence completely.
"Stop it" he told the fish, "it's freaky". They don't listen. They're fish. "Just stop it already. You're stuck in a stupid tiny pond, swimming in stupid tiny circles in a stupid tiny secret magic garden. You're not going to go anywhere. You're wasting your life, why don't you just give up already!" His volume has been rising by every word and by the end he is full blown shouting.
He drops his head to his knees, too exhausted for tears. He's yelling at fish, for Agni's sake. How much more pathetic could he possibly get?
"I just want to go home".
The fish hear him, and respond by glowing- gently first but then increasing blaringly. The waves answer with little pitiful waves. Then larger. And larger. Till the waves crash about the pool. It’s only now that Zuko notices the chaos around him. Waves encircle him like mountains. The water churns and swirls in dark peaks, moving like a swaying animal. He scrambles to his feet and shifts into a defensive stance. Everything comes to a quiet still. The ocean seemingly stares at Zuko. He is too confused to do anything but stare back. The silence holds for an endless moment. Then. Everything crashes down on him. He throws up a quick fire shield, but he might as well have thrown a match in the ocean. The sea consumes him.
…
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Zuko is 115 when he wakes up in the arms of a water tribe girl. He blearily blinks up at the sky and above him a behemoth creature of water and light vaguely resembling a koi lurches forward and out of sight. The spirit world, he thinks, looks a bit different than Iroh said it would be like and promptly passes out again.