Work Text:
[The theme music plays over a close-up on Georgie Barker and Melanie King, smiling to camera in the practiced manner of consummate professionals, while holding hands tightly and occasionally swinging them, like slightly giddy teenagers who can’t quite believe their crush actually likes them back. They are both wearing casual outfits, including matching t-shirts adorned with cartoon orangutans who are palpably ready for violence.]
Georgie: Welcome to another episode of ‘Endangered and Mad About It’, where, each week, we give you a chance to meet some of the rarest species on our planet, before they’re gone forever.
Melanie: And also give you the contact details of both the people you need to give some money to, if you want to help, and those to whom you need to take an well-sharpened axe and …
Georgie: We talked about the death threats, Melanie.
Melanie [resigned]: Fine. To whom you need to write a … strongly worded letter of disapproval.
Georgie: Today, as promised, we have an extra special episode. We know you’ve been campaigning hard for this and, believe me, we’re very, very excited to tell you that we’ve finally managed to get access to visit some of the absolute rarest …
Melanie: … and most ridiculously dangerous …
Georgie: … creatures in the world.
Melanie: And we’re really not kidding about the level of dangerous here. We had to sign a practically novel-length waiver, listing some of the potential horrific consequences, such as full-body infestation by things like worms, beetles, mould and eyeballs. Other clauses included ‘invasive fog’, ‘wholesale personality replacement’, ‘dismemberment by instalments’ and ‘becoming a light after-dinner snack for the sky’. Which actually, would be my preferred way to go, if it comes to it.
Georgie: So, in view of our noble sacrifice, and possible imminent eruption in head to toe eyeballs, don’t forget to hit that Like and Subscribe button.
Melanie: Right then. Let’s go meet the Great Fears!
[Wide shot of the pair in front of a sign reading ‘Bournemouth Fear Sanctuary’ surrounded by five, even larger, signs, reading, in order: ‘Very, Very Dangerous: Keep Out’, ‘This is Not a Joke’, ‘Unless You’ve Ever Wanted to Spend Your Excruciatingly Extended Last Moments Actively Begging For the Sweet Release of Death, Do Not Enter’, ‘Your Worst Fear is Inside and It Hungers For Your Terror’ and ‘Monkey World is Just Down the Road, Do That Instead’. ]
Georgie: Friendly-looking place.
Melanie [shrugs]: At least this means they’re less likely to have a tacky gift shop. First, fill you with beetles, then, sell you the overpriced fridge magnet to commemorate the experience.
[A man walks into frame, though the word ‘walk’ here could be easily replaced by ‘is reluctantly dragged by external forces which are keeping him upright and moving against his will’. He is dressed in a severe academic style, with a jacket and tie. The effect, however, is somewhat marred by the expression of perpetual resignation to the vagaries of the universe and the vaguely bedraggled look of his clothes; the fact that the tie is askew and has a bite out of it; and the general air of someone who has not just been dragged through a hedge backwards, but a whole series of hedges, some of which were boobytrapped with tigers]
Jon: Actually, we do have an online gift shop, where you can buy plush versions of all the Great Fears, which I am reliably informed are very … ‘cute’. [The word cute dangles uncertainly from his mouth, as if neither word, nor mouth, expected it to be there and are both rather embarrassed about the situation] You can also purchase t-shirts, fridge magnets, mouse mats and stationery, without having to actually experience any of the horrors, personally. The ‘I Heart Beetles So Much I Married One (and Was Lovingly Infested) range is surprisingly popular.
Georgie: Viewers, this is Jonathan Sims, the founder and Head of the Fear Sanctuary and a personal friend. He’s going to be showing us around today.
Jon: [sighs] Look, Georgie, I’m still really not sure this is a good idea …
Melanie [interrupting before Georgie can respond]: Do you know how long it took to read that waiver you made us sign? And how many times I threw up? If you change your mind after all that, then I promise you that I’ll buy one of your bloody fridge magnets and jam it right up …
Jon [Hastily]: Fine. Fine, just … keep a safe distance, okay? And, whatever you do, don’t talk to any spiders.
Georgie [rolling eyes just slightly]: Sure, Jon. I think we can control ourselves against the overwhelming urge to lure random spiders into conversation.
Jon: [muttering] You’d be surprised …
[Cut to the inside of a building, where various people dressed in safari gear are either smiling and waving at the camera, shuffling awkwardly, or looking bored and impatient. We pan out a little, to see Jon standing next to them. He now has a number of tiny creatures either snuggled adoringly on his shoulders or slightly hovering above him, like a deeply alarming rain cloud. They look like a bizarre sort of cross between an eyeball, a moth and a marmoset]
Jon: So, this is my Assistant Head, Sasha James …
[Sasha waves and grins, impishly, as the camera focuses in on her]
Jon: … Tim Stoker, Martin Blackwood and Gerry Keay, who cover most of the day to day operations …
[The camera pans slowly over Tim, who grins at the camera like it’s his best friend, with whom he’s heading down the pub later; Martin, who instantly looks the most self-conscious that any human has ever achieved, and offers a half-frozen terrified wave, and Gerry, who is completely impassive, and wearing safari gear which is entirely black and accessorised with several badges for various metal bands]
Jon: … and Basira Hussain and Daisy Tonner, our chiefs of security.
[The camera moves on to Basira, radiating a subtle air of menace; and then Daisy, radiating a decidedly unsubtle air of menace; the sort of look which is already marking you down for later; which says ‘I know what you did and I’m planning on ripping your throat out about it’. It quickly pans back to Melanie and Georgie, with an unmistakable sense of relief]
Melanie: And I’m guessing that your fan club there are beholdings? Hey, there, little guys …
[She takes a step forward and raises a hand gently, to try and make friends. The beholdings turn their gaze on her instantly and fiercely, becoming almost all eyeball. There is an aura of intensive judgment in the air, as if every mean thing you ever said and every unwashed sock you left under the bed is being dragged out and harshly examined. Melanie nearly falls over herself while backing away, then stops and scowls furiously]
Melanie [clearly deeply shaken, but you wouldn’t drag the admission from her, under a thousand years of torture]: I guess I can see why they like you. They’re almost as obnoxious.
[Georgie lightly puts a hand on her shoulder, unobtrusively steadying]
Georgie [more indulgent than reproving]: Love, you promised not to insult Jon today.
Melanie: I promised to try and not insult him. Much. But, if he’s going to set his flying eyeball monkey army on me …
Jon [slightly heated]: Maybe if you didn’t try and pet the flying eyeball monkey army …
[There is a hasty camera cut. Melanie and Jon are now glowering in separate corners, with the beholdings still clustering around Jon, but somehow conveying the impression of smirking, while Georgie is standing with the rest of the team, sans Daisy and Basira, who, presumably, have got fed up with all of this, and gone off to do important security stuff]
Georgie: So, what can you tell us about working here in the Sanctuary?
Tim: Well, it never gets boring. Unless you mean boring in the ‘being tunneled through by the sort of termites who can gnaw through flesh and bone like tissue paper’ sort of a way.
Martin: Not that they actually do that! Or not very much? And not for real. Usually. Jon’s been encouraging them to focus more on temporary nightmares and hallucinations, rather than actual physical attack.
[A severe case of hearteyes is directed at Jon, who doesn’t seem to notice]
Jon: Yes, well, it doesn’t stop the psychological damage, of course, but it’s a distinct improvement.
[He rubs absently at his arm, which might as well be labelled ‘painful tunneling incident happened here’]
Georgie: That rather neatly brings us to the question a number of people have asked. Why are you so determined to actively preserve creatures which sustain themselves on human suffering?
Melanie [moving back next to Georgie]: Our top suggestions from viewers have included, ‘diabolical plans to take over the world with a tame terror army’, ‘totally reasonable, actually, plans to take over the world with a tame terror army, for which you would have a solid supporter base on Kickstarter’, ‘demonic possession’ and, my personal favourite, ‘rank stupidity’.
[Jon, surprisingly, doesn’t take offence this time, instead giving off the air of a man who is so used to this sort of thing that he’s worn down his indignation to a stub]
Jon: I … suppose I understand the point of view. But it’s a little more complicated than that.
[He motions them to follow him to a balcony. From here you have a view of a large area of land, mostly grass, dotted with trees, in which a dazzling variety of creatures can be seen.
We see one which looks a little like a clouded leopard, if such an animal was, in fact, made of clouds. A wild explosion of colours and geometric defiance, curls and whips about and cackles, in a playful heap. A pair of wildebeest rise from rest and keep on rising, until they are far too big for the available space and also, very much not wildebeest any more.
Some blood red geese spit and hiss at each other, and occasionally break into the most devastatingly beautiful honks you ever heard. Shadows abound, like small puddles of menace. A small, sleek animal, which looks like a cat, with just a hint of shark, stalks something in the grass, with extreme focus.
The camera zooms in and then recoils at a lump of misshapen, spoiled-looking meat, pulsing in one corner and occasionally yawning, to reveal a mouthful of razor sharp teeth; then quickly moves on to some butterflies which flutter attractively about, before vanishing as they land on a flower and blend with it, their camouflage almost perfect, except for somehow imbuing the petals with an obscure sense of menace.
A fierce, piercing scream from the sky draws us up to a dazzling bird which appears to be made entirely of flame. It lands on a branch (which smoulders slightly, without burning through) and glares furiously at the camera. In one corner, there are, just visible, some animals which are dangling peacefully from a (non-smouldering) branch. They vaguely resemble sloths, except that they are jet black apart from their heads, which are cheerful bone white skulls.]
Jon: You can’t see all of them, of course. The burieds tend to stay mostly beneath the earth and only come up to feed. The corruptions have a contained and separate terrarium …
Sasha: Which they’re real bastards for escaping from.
Jon: That’s unfortunately an innate trait of theirs, yes, which is why the decontamination procedures on the way out are thorough to the point of active distress. And, as for the webs, well … they’re largely indistinguishable from spiders and you only see them when they want you to see them. And, trust me, you don’t want that to happen.
[A spider drops down at the corner of the screen. It is looking straight at the viewer with multiple tiny eyes. Spiders can’t wink, so that’s definitely not what just happened. The spider playfully reaches out a leg at the viewer, giving the distinct impression that it is about to come directly out of the screen and into your living room; pouncing directly from the video onto your face, while you sit there, helpless, unable to even scream, let alone to prevent your slow encasement in web … then it pulls back and slowly winches itself back up out of view, leaving at least half the viewership with a brand new, or sharply deepened, arachnophobia]
[The camera pans shakily across to show Georgie and Melanie now gazing down at the sanctuary in awe]
Georgie: They’re really beautiful.
Melanie: Well, apart from that meat thing. Definitely cancelling the steak tonight.
[Georgie hums in emphatic agreement and absently takes Melanie’s hand again]
Jon: So … up until, even just a few decades ago, the Great Fears were far more abundant across the world. Or, rather, they were more … spread out, let’s say. Because, actually, each separate species of Fear is, in essence, one single creature, which spawns in multiple, semi-autonomous, corporeal forms. Unfortunately, for metaphysical reasons, the overall intake of food required for each individual Fear remains more or less static, regardless of how many distinct pieces of itself currently exist.
Which means that, paradoxical as it seems, the more there are of them, the safer they are for humans, as, when there are thousands of them, they can sustain themselves on just a nibble or so per creature, while, as the numbers dwindle, each separate part of them needs to take in more and more food to make up the numbers.
Hence the reason that the Fears have become so much more vicious and dangerous in recent years. They’re having to pull more and more fear, from fewer victims.
Georgie: So, why have they been dying out so rapidly?
Jon: A couple of reasons, actually. One is the accumulated effect of processed food in their diet.
Melanie: Don’t they eat fear? How exactly do you ‘process’ that?
Jon: It’s a side effect of their increasing reliance on humans. The Great Fears go back to way before humans existed and their original diet was solely animal terror. Which, basically, meant a straightforward fear of predators and other physical dangers.
Humans, however, have much more complex fears. Which makes them more appealing, in many ways, but it also means that, over the centuries, there has been a large intake of manufactured fear, the sort which people deliberately create and spread amongst themselves, for the purposes of control and suppression.
It’s a calculated terror, artificially inflated and heavily spiked with hatred, malice and greed, creating the fear equivalent of junk food. Which means that the Fears have increasingly sought it out, as being tastier and more appealing, despite the fact that it has a deleterious effect on their physical forms, like a slow poisoning. Over the last few decades, the effect has really begun to hit hard.
Gerry: Advertising and internet propaganda is a big part of that. The way that so many fears can be spread so widely, nowadays, from hate campaigns, to really petty stuff, like making you perpetually anxious about your appearance, or being cast out of polite society for using the wrong brand of toothpaste.
Sasha: And then, of course, there’s the extinctions. They’re related to the Great Fears, but a far more recently evolved species, which started to prey on the older Fears, as soon as their numbers began to notably dwindle.
Jon: Extinctions tend to look rather like dodos at a casual glance, incredibly harmless and vaguely foolish, until they get close, give you a goofy look, and shoot out sudden death tentacles from under their wings. They’ve been hoovering the other Fears up by the hundreds.
All of which means that the few remaining specimens require a large and very concentrated amount of Fear to survive.
Melanie: Yes, and how exactly are you feeding them, Jon? Because I’m really struggling to think of an ethical food plan for creatures which live on human suffering.
[She brings a list out of her pocket and snaps it open to read, before he can respond]
Melanie: Some more popular suggestions from our viewers include [she reads, solemnly] that you host secret terror safaris, from which no one ever returns, that you have some nefarious arrangement with the prison system, or that you buy up job lots of orphans and puppies and fling them into the pens, while cackling like a supervillain.
Jon: Ah. Well, I suppose that explains all the death threats.
Martin [Materialising suddenly by Jon’s side, as if teleported there by sheer concern]: Wait, you never mentioned any death threats!
Jon: It’s not more than a few hundred, Martin, nothing to worry about. This was never exactly going to be a popular endeavour. And I do understand people’s point of view. The horrors which the Fears are capable of inflicting are … bad. Very bad.
Tim [cheerfully]: The ‘rip your skin off, melt your bones, and feed you, screaming, to the sky’ sort of bad.
Jon: Yes, thank you, Tim. I’m not sure the clarification was needed. But, the problem is that, apart from the ethical questions over letting entire sentient species die out because they’re somewhat … inconvenient …
Tim: The ‘rip your skin off, melt your bones, and feed you, screaming to the sky’ sort of inconvenience.
Jon: … thank you, Tim … if their numbers drop down too low … certainly if they reach only one specimen each and quite possibly before that … then, they won’t simply die out, peacefully, and leave humanity with one less problem to worry about. Instead, they’ll reach unsustainable Fear requirement levels, which will trigger their innate self-defence mechanism. In simple terms, an apocalypse.
Georgie: An apocalypse?! Seriously?
Jon: I’m afraid so. As soon as they are physically incapable of accessing sufficient fear by less harmful methods, they will instinctively rip the world apart and remake it, anew, as a sort of permanent Fear buffet, in which the normal rules of time and space will cease to exist and humans and animals, alike, will be forced into a near eternity of ceaseless terror and suffering.
It’s actually quite an interesting quirk of evolution.
[Georgie and Melanie exchange shocked looks, understandably shaken by this revelation. Martin sits them down with a couple of mugs of tea, which he seems to have either anticipated being required, or is somehow able to produce at will, like a cartoon character reaching offscreen for a bomb]
Jon: So, that’s why I founded the Sanctuary. As long as the Great Fear population is kept, at least stable, and preferably increased, then the world is safe. Well, safe from becoming an supernatural hellscape, at least. More mundane horrors are still, unfortunately, quite possible.
[Georgie and Melanie both down their tea in one long, and clearly necessary, gulp, like it’s the only thing standing between them and some highly unprofessional ranting on the subject of having been unknowingly teetering on the brink of an apocalypse]
Georgie [taking a deep breath and exhaling slowly until calm]: I mean, mentioning that before, might have got you a few more donations, Jon.
Jon: Or, it would lead hordes of people to try and break in and destroy the last remaining Fears, either because they only registered the idea that the Fears could cause an apocalypse and not the way in which it would happen, or because they were bored and thought that the end of the world as we know it might be a bit of a laugh.
Which is exactly what happened last week, when rumours got out. Twice.
[Jon sighs]
But, as the damage is already done, it seems sensible to try and stamp on any misinformation, as much as possible. Anyone attempting to kill the Fears is effectively sentencing the world - and, I should emphasise, themselves - to far worse than a death sentence.
Sasha: So, if you want to help save the world, maybe buy a fridge magnet instead.
Martin: Or a cuddly toy!
[He brandishes a large, and very cute, plush lonely at the camera, with big sad eyes and cloud-soft paws, then whips out a matching one for Jon, who takes it awkwardly, as if stuffed toys are a new and disconcerting experience]
Jon : Er, thank you, Martin. [He hugs it experimentally at first, and as if it might bite, then, gradually, with a little more conviction, while Martin watches with the expression of a man who is mentally recording this moment, to play on repeat] But, honestly, you don’t have to buy the merchandise, however … snuggly … just … maybe don’t attack the animals? Or me, either, for preference. I promise that I’m actually very nice to puppies and I’ve only ground up one orphan, in the service of the Fears.
Gerry: For context, Jon means himself. Just in case the only takeaway from this interview is ‘Sanctuary owner admits to orphan-grinding’.
Jon [now fully committed to leopard cuddling] : Thank you, Gerry, that one probably did actually need clarifying.
Georgie: Which still leaves the question of how you manage to find enough food for the Fears. I mean, I suppose not feeding them is more unethical than feeding them, in light of the whole apocalypse situation, but, still …
Jon: It’s certainly not been easy.
Martin [slightly aggrieved]: By which Jon means that he tried to be their entire food source …
Jon [defensive]: Only because they made it very clear that my fear was the most … succulent. And, besides, it was purely as a temporary measure, while we looked for something more sustainable. Which we did. That’s, ah. The other part of the Sanctuary.
[Cut to: the whole gang standing in front of a large sign reading ‘World’s Only Genuinely Scary Ghost Train’. It is covered in surprisingly artistic renditions of ghosts, skeletons and general spookiness.]
Melanie: You’ve got to be kidding me.
Sasha [grinning]: We all had the same response when Jon suggested it. Assumed he was just hitting that point of sleep deprivation when your brain becomes all stretchy, like toffee, and can fit any old rubbish inside. But it actually works surprisingly well.
Tim: Everyone always complains about how ghost trains aren’t actually scary. You just have people jumping out at you, occasionally, maybe a plastic skull or two and some loud noises, and then it’s done. This one … this one’s scary.
Martin: It runs through most of the Sanctuary, and it generally gets a visit from most of the Fears along the way. Of course, we refuse to let anyone on it with heart problems or anything like that. No kids, obviously. And we have mandatory therapy afterwards, that’s in the waiver, with an option for follow-up for as long as necessary. We make sure that it’s very clearly stated that you will be terrified, that it’s prudent to take a change of clothes, and that eight out of ten people call for their mum at some point on the ride, and ten out of ten start sobbing like a baby, and that’s really nothing to be ashamed of.
Gerry: You’d be surprised how often we get people recommending it to their friends. Even a few repeat customers. Some of our reviews suggest that it’s kind of like a fear enema, flushing out emotions in a way which is deeply uncomfortable, yet strangely cleansing. We give out official certificates at the end of the ride, and it’s starting to be quite a badge of honour to get one.
Jon: Of course, we had to make sure that no one would be actually in genuine danger, first. Strictly no burning, flaying, infesting, stabbing, drowning, wanton limb rearrangement or … well, anything physical at all. And nothing too psychologically shattering either. But the Fears are … impressionable, in certain respects. They can be brought to understand that restraint is in their own best interests.
Tim: By which Jon means that he threatened to withhold his succulence, if they didn’t behave.
Jon [scowling with a heady mixture of annoyance and embarrassment]: Not exactly how I would have expressed it, Tim, but … I suppose that’s broadly correct.
But, in any case, I honestly think they do it because they enjoy it? There’s a lot of scope for creativity and they’re big show-offs at heart.
Georgie: Must be one of the reasons they get on with you so well. [turns to the others, with a conspiratorial fake whisper] You know, I was practically a musical theatre widow, when we were dating.
Martin [visibly delighted]: I will give you my left earlobe for video evidence. Both lobes if it’s Cats.
Jon: No one will be bartering earlobes in work time, thank you. And we only did a few small student productions, no one bothered to film anything.
[Georgie can be seen in the background mouthing ‘Oh yes they did’ and making a ‘call me later’ gesture, while Martin gives her a thumbs up]
Now, unless you have any further questions, we do have a lot of work to do …
[Cut to: another close up on Georgie and Melanie, mirroring the opening scene. They are surrounded by a large pile of Great Fears merchandise and wearing various badges with cute cartoon depictions of people on fire, giving a big thumbs up; having worms cheekily poking from their skin; being merrily buried alive, etc. ]
Georgie: Well, I hope you all enjoyed taking a look at some of the very rarest, and most unutterably terrifying, creatures we’ve brought to you so far. And please do remember to spread the word and to drop by the online store and buy, at least, a pencil, so that the world doesn’t literally end.
Melanie: I especially recommend getting a slaughter-goose, or two. Really kind of strangely adorable.
[She makes hers gently ‘attack’ Georgie, who is too amused by the whole thing to get properly into the spirit of being terrorised]
Georgie: We’ll be back next week, with another episode and another endangered species. But, maybe, with your help, we’ll one day be able to change our channel name to ‘Out of Danger and Celebrating it’.
[End theme music plays]
302 comments
@endangeredandlovingit 1 day ago
Who else is swooning every time those two hold hands on screen? *Off to write more Barking RPF, I guess*.
@Legsareoverrated. 1 day ago
I thought the ship name was Georgelanie? Barking’s so much better though.
@marrymegeorgie27 18 hours ago
All of you are sleeping on Melon Orgy as the obvious choice.🍉🍈
@justsaynotospiders 1 day ago
Look, I know there was a spider warning on this video, but I feel like there should have been an extra warning, like, one which says ‘look, seriously, we really, really mean it’.
@itdoesmeanchangingthebulb 1 day ago
At least we know that we’re doing our bit to save the planet. I’ve taken to deliberately watching tarantula videos and holding horrible little money spiders in my bare hands, in order to remotely suffuse the webs with sufficient abject terror to stave off the apocalypse for decades. Sure, I curl up in a ball, most nights, whimpering and feeling little phantom legs, scuttering horribly over my skin, but I think it’s worth it.
@absolutecasseroleoclock 1 day ago
Three questions:
1. A f*cking apocalypse?
2. A motherf*cking apocalypse?!
3. So, did anyone else get so affected by how much the big guy clearly wants the little tired one, that they wanted to reach through the screen and squish them together like pillows?
104 replies
@TharaCelaharismyspiritanimal 13 hours ago
So I guess humanity is officially an endangered species now. Does this mean they have to do an episode on us? And, if so, can I be on it as endangered creature number 3, being lovingly pitied by Georgie and Melanie? Relevant skills: can look cute and woeful and despairing at the drop of a hat.
@Savethewhalesetcetc 12 hours ago
Heads up for anyone wanting to support these guys by buying Fears merch, they were running hella low on stuffies and pencils, when I checked. Luckily I got in fast enough to scoop up one each of the whole corruption range (so adorably creepy!) plus a spiral mouse mat that changes colour (and shape (and is sometimes also a t-shirt!))). Hopefully will restock soon.
@lovetheplanethatetheplanes 10 hours ago
So, it turns out there really was footage of the musical theatre productions and, trust me, you want to see it. Everyone get the hell over to https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6Mlel0Dryy before the world ends! You will not regret, trust. (Fair warning, though, there is a genuine chance you might actually die from the sheer levels of adorableness).