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Going to bars after a shift wasn’t really in Robby’s wheelhouse anymore. When he was younger? Sure. They used to celebrate coworkers when healthcare wasn’t such a mentally draining profession. But going out after shift, not his scene.
Granted, Robby liked going out to drink, but not in bars like this one. But the shift was tough, they all needed to get their mind off of it, and Robby was willing to pay. He even roped Abbot into joining and splitting the check, only because he heard Mohan would be there and he wouldn’t miss an opportunity to flirt (poorly) with her.
Robby sat at the bar, whiskey in hand, watching his coworkers loosen up. Santos was wildly talking about something, Mel watching her with intent, but with some confusion. Donnie, Princess and Perlah were busy trying to convince Jesse to play darts with them. Jack leaned in close to Samira, having a conversation with her, but he kept glancing anywhere but at her unless she didn’t look at him. Heather and Dana seemed content on just ignoring everyone around them. But the one that Robby was more interested in watching was Whitaker, who was in mid conversation with one of the other day shift attendings, Xavier Bowen.
Robby liked the guy, he was good at what he does, and they needed more day shift attendings, because running on just him and now one senior resident, it wasn’t working.
But there was something that Robby didn’t like about the conversation that the two of them were having. He wasn’t sure what it was, but he knew he didn’t like it.
Whitaker looked at him with such admiration, hanging on each word. Whitaker should be looking at him like that. He was his med student, after all.
He watched as Whitaker laughed, throwing his head back, exposing his neck. Robby wondered what he found so funny, if he would laugh at the things Robby would say like that. He gripped his whiskey tighter, this feeling bubbling in his stomach.
“Two more, thanks.”
Robby was pulled out of his gaze to find Abbot next to him, leaning across the bar.
“I hate to tell you this, but you are burning holes into Bowen’s head because he’s talking to your crush.”
“I do not have a crush. You make me sound fifteen. I’m 52, I don’t have crushes.”
“The fact that you’re clarifying that you don’t have a crush makes it certain that you have a crush. It’s kinda obvious.”
Robby scoffed and finished his whiskey, thanking the bartender for the new one.
“Not that I have any place to say anything, but.. you going to do anything about it?”
“About what?”
Jack looked at him over his Coors and then towards Whitaker, who was being dragged to the dance floor by Santos. Robby shook his head.
“I don’t know what you mean.”
“What I mean is that anyone with eyeballs can see the yearning you have for him.”
“Well, even if I’m ‘yearning’,” Robby said with air quotes, “it’ll never work. 1) I’m me, we know my track record. And something like that,” he gestured to his awkward dancing, and even something about that was enticing to Robby, “deserves something way better than me. 2) I’m old enough to be his dad. Pretty sure that’s a turn off for most. 3) If anyone in the hospital found out, kid would never have a shot at being a doctor. My reputation's already shit so I’d get a few more shifty eyes and whispers, so what. But to do that before he even got a chance to be good?”
Robby looked down at the copper liquid.
“Dennis is young, he’s beautiful and smart. Anyone would be lucky to be with him.”
“Don’t you think you deserve to be happy?”
“Says the widower who can barely get a sentence out to his crush.”
“Not true! I told her she looked nice tonight.”
“Right and would you be here right now if she didn’t actually show up tonight?”
“I..”
“No, I don’t think so.”
“Stop deflecting onto me! Think about you!”
Robby frowned. He never really thought about himself anymore. There really wasn’t a reason to anyways, it’s not like people stuck around. He wasn’t worth loving.
Dennis looked beautiful under the lights, the way it twinkled against his pale skin, Robby wondered if his blue eyes sparkled.
“See, like that. You’re staring at him!” Jack laughed, amazed that Robby could be so avoidant about this.
“Just watching all of them, making sure they’re careful.”
“Right. Sure.”
“I am!”
Jack scoffed, turning his gaze towards Samira, who was nodding at something Mel was saying. Robby continued to watch Whitaker. He pulled Bowen in to dance with them, a pain stabbing right in Robby’s chest as he did so. Robby tried not to think about it too much, because in the end, Bowen was the younger, attractive doctor that Whitaker should be with, not some pathetic old man who didn’t understand the concept of stability. Or happiness. Or.. anything normal or healthy really.
Robby downed his whiskey once more.
“I think I’m finished.”
“Like hell I’m paying for the rest of this tab.”
“You’re an attending plus you get disability, I don’t want to hear it, you are making a ton of money.”
“So are you! You just want to get out of here.”
“Yeah. I just don’t want to see..” Robby didn’t need to finish his sentence, Jack just knew.
“What if you tried talking to him?”
“Yeah, that won’t happen. Have you seen his guard dog? She’ll kill me before I even have the chance of asking him out.”
Jack sighed. “You’re insufferable.”
“Thank you, I know.”
He rolled his eyes and patted his arm. Robby signaled for another drink, because why not, it’s not like he wanted to be sober right now.
“You sure you’ll be fine?”
“I can handle my whiskey unlike those kids.” He waved behind him.
He snorted. “Guess you’re right.”
Robby watched as Jack walked off, making his way back over to the table that they all had claimed. He turned back around to stare at the bar, because if he kept looking behind him, he’d only watch Dennis be whisked away by some other guy. Robby should go home, he shouldn’t spend the rest of his evening here, but he did promise to split the tab with Jack.
Before Robby could move, he felt someone press against his side. Robby looked over his shoulder, finding Dennis attempting to get the attention of the bartender.
“Are you sure you need more to drink? You are hardly standing on your own.”
“Umm.. rude. I am fine. And I am so sure about drinking. You’re drinking and grumpy.” Dennis leaned in. “Why are you grumpy?”
“I’m not.”
“Liar~”
Robby waved the bar tender away, cutting Dennis off. He frowned.
“Why’d you do that??”
“You’re drunk, how are you going to get home?”
“Trinity!”
“Uh huh, your drunk roommate who’s talking to someone right now?”
Dennis turned around and huffed.
“I can take a bus.”
“Absolutely not. Have you asked Bowen? He could take you.”
Dennis whined as he turned back around, Robby couldn’t help but smile, trying to hide it behind his drink.
“Xavier is nice but he’s not you.”
“Not me?”
“Nope.”
Robby raised an eyebrow.
“I have had this huge fucking crush on you since day one. Like.. massive! It’s embarrassing.”
“Yeah, you don’t need to drink anymore. Let me get you an Uber and make sure you get home.”
“You’d do that for me?”
“I would.”
Dennis giggled, leaning into his hand.
“I’ll go tell Trin you’re taking me home.”
“Calling you an Uber! There’s a difference!” Robby shouted as the younger man stumbled off to find his roommate. He shook his head and fished out his phone to do exactly that, though, he needed the blonde to stumble back to give him an address.
Robby frowned, finished his drink and pushed away from the bar to hunt him down. He pushed his way through the bodies, finding Whitaker talking to Santos.
“There you are. I need your address to order that Uber.”
Dennis turned and looked up at him, and Robby swore he was going to die. The way the light hit his blue in his eyes, how pink and full his cheeks were, it took some ungodly amounts of strength for Robby to not lean down and kiss him right there.
But Whitaker was drunk.
And needs someone who isn’t double his age and.. Isn’t Robby.
“Ugghhh, fine.” Dennis leaned in and gave Robby his address, Robby putting it into the app.
“Driver will be here in 5, let’s get you to the front. Say goodbye.”
“But that’s gonna take me ages!”
“Nope.” Robby put his hands on his shoulders and barked to the group. “Whitaker is heading out, I’m taking him to his ride.”
Everyone waved goodbye to him, Jack raised his eyebrow but Robby shook his head, mouthing that he’d be back. The two made their way to the front of the bar, Dennis swaying under his hands.
“Dr. Robby~?”
“You don’t have to call me doctor while we’re not at work.”
“How are you not drunk?”
“Because I have been drinking longer than you’ve been alive.”
Robby watched as his skin turned red, he wondered if it disappeared down his shirt, going all the way down to his-
No.
Robby didn’t need to think about his med student like that. HR would have him demoted so quickly, Dennis kicked out of the program. There were so many things that could go wrong for a brief moment of ecstasy.
“I also only had three glasses of whiskey, and I can feel it, but nothing like whatever you’ve been drinking.”
“Waaaayyy too much. I don’t even like alcohol! Communion wine was gross, so like, at least this tastes a little bit better. Trin says I can’t handle my alcohol very well.”
Robby chuckled. “Well you’re talking a lot and having a hard time standing still. I can tell.”
“I’m a talkative drunk. No.. Honest drunk?”
“Oh yeah?”
“Mmhmm.. It’s why I can tell you that I don’t like Bowen.” Dennis frowned. “No, wait, that sounds like I hate him. I think he’s great, what I’m saying is-”
“Dennis, your Uber is here.”
“Wait! Robby..”
“Talk to me later.”
Robby helped Dennis into the Uber, double checking he would be okay when he got home. Robby buckled him in and looked over his face carefully.
“Text me in the morning, okay? You have my number.”
“Really??”
“Just to make sure you're okay. That’s all.”
Dennis nodded and watched as Robby closed the door to the car. It then peeled off into the street and drove off. He sighed and looked down at his shoes.
What was he going to do with himself?
Robby didn’t get a text that next morning, Dennis probably was too drunk to remember what happened that night. It was fine, Robby didn’t mind. He didn’t bring it up at work, but he did overhear the next time the younger ones planned on going out, not like Robby was going to join. He thought about mentioning to Whitaker to handle his drinks better, but it wasn’t his place.
Robby was his boss, not his boyfriend.
But that also didn’t mean he didn’t worry about him.
Whitaker, Santos and Javadi were walking out of the ER together, talking excitedly about their night out. Robby looked away from his conversation with Jack and Dana to address the three of them.
“Be safe. Don’t do anything I wouldn’t do.”
“You got it, captain.” Santos saluted.
Robby watched as Whitaker looked at him with his scared mouse look, they locked eyes, Dennis’s face turned red and then he looked away immediately.
“What did you do to the kid?” Dana asked.
“Nothing. We’ve been fine. We’ve worked together on traumas, he’s come up to me with questions, I’m not sure why he looked like that.”
“Maybe he remembers the last time they went out and he admitted he had a.. What was it, massive crush on you and not Dr. Bowen?” Jack teased.
“It was the alcohol talking.” Robby grumbled.
“He won’t do anything about his massive crush either, Dana.”
“Says him!”
Dana rolled her eyes. “I raised teenage girls, I am not sitting here and helping you two with your inability to tell people you like them. I’ll tell you the same thing I told them. Just do it. The worst thing they do is say no!”
Jack and Robby looked at each other and back at Dana.
“Yeah, but she’s way too pretty and smart for me.”
“Whitaker needs someone his age.”
She groaned.
–
Robby needed to stop this new habit of drinking after his shifts, but he didn’t have work in the morning, and his thoughts were plagued by a certain blue-eyed med student. The TV nor the alcohol could not drown him out, especially when all he could feel was jealousy. He didn’t know who was with Whitaker, flirting with him, making him laugh, telling him how beautiful he was. It was a cruel, double edged sword, to want Whitaker all for himself but know that was impossible because he needed to be with those men. Not him.
It was completely unfair.
Robby downed his drink, slamming his glass on the counter. He needed to find someone to fill the void, maybe Caleb would like to get drinks again. There was also Nurse Hastings that Robby saw walking around, she seemed to be eyeing him. It wouldn’t completely fulfill his yearning for Dennis Whitaker, but it could help his hunger.
Robby frowned.
Seriously, what was he doing with his life?
Dennis was, what? 26? He had so much life left to him, and why would he even choose him? If they even decided to try dating, Dennis would get tired of him quickly. Robby came with so much baggage that Dennis didn’t need to deal with any of that, despite already seeing him at his lowest. Robby didn’t open himself up to anyone, hell, there was still so much of himself that Jack didn’t even know about and he considered him his best friend. And, if they were thinking about sex, Robby was still early 50s’ that he didn’t have an ED yet, but he wouldn’t be able to get it up quickly and it would be a one time deal.
That man deserved so much better than Robby. Everyone in a 100 mile radius knew that, if they even knew that Robby had this.. Interest in Dennis. Or the apparent crush Dennis had on Robby.
Someone needed to talk Whitaker out of that crush, all Robby would do was hurt him, emotionally and professionally, even if Robby didn’t mean to.
Before Robby moved towards the kitchen, his phone buzzed. He frowned and looked down at the notification.
Dennis Whitaker
Robby clicked on it and read the sloppy message.
“Drnk. Cum get me?”
Robby scoffed. What was this?
‘Whitaker. You might have the wrong number.’
“No. Rpbby”
Ah, so Whitaker did know he was texting him. Now Robby was concerned, why wasn't he with Santos? Javadi was underage, so why wasn’t she watching either one of them?
‘Where’s Santos? Or Javadi?'
“Dunno”
“Plz”
‘Where are you, Whitaker?’
“Nlie Mppn”
‘What??’
“Blu Mppm”
Robby deciphered that he was at the Blue Moon gay bar. He had been there a few times, especially when he first moved to Pittsburgh back in 2005. He felt so silly being 32 and only then realizing his feelings for men, especially doing med school during the height of the HIV crisis, but stepping into the Blue Moon made him feel.. Normal. And he didn’t have to be Dr. Robby there.
‘I’m on my way.’
“Bke?”
‘What?’
No response. Robby shook his head and got into his truck and drove off towards the Allegheny Arsenal area. He took a longer route, driving past the UPMC Children’s Hospital, their ER seemed peaceful at this time at night. He hoped it would stay like that, for the children’s sake.
Robby parked as close as he could to the Blue Moon and made his way towards the bar, he could hear the music down the sidewalk. He pulled his jacket closer to him and kept his head down as he approached the bar. He found Dennis outside the bar, sitting on a bench. Robby felt something in his chest as he picked up the speed and jogged over to him.
“Dennis?? Hey, are you okay?”
Dennis tilted his head to look at him, glitter was delicately smeared across his face, making him sparkle, the eyeliner made the blue in his eyes pop. If it wasn’t the makeup or the look Dennis had on his face that made Robby’s heart pound faster, it certainly was the outfit he was wearing. He was in a sheer crop-top, with tight jeans that Robby assumed was to show off his waist and ass.
“Where’s Santos?”
“Gone.”
“Javadi?”
“Gone too.”
“They just left you?”
Robby assessed whether someone had drugged or not. He seemed more out of it than he did when they all went out as coworkers.
“Whitaker, why did they leave you?”
“Trin went bar hopping with some girl and Tori.. I think her mom wanted her home, I dunno.. Some guy was talking to me.” His speech was slurred.
“Dennis, did you take something?”
“I don’t think so?” Dennis looked at him, there was something to his sad blue eyes that made Robby want him more. “All I could think about was you..”
“Whitaker.. Don’t say something you’ll regret while inebriated." Robby helped him up, putting his arm on his waist and guiding him back to his truck.
“It’s true though.. All the guys in there are handsome, sure, but they aren’t you.”
Robby shook his head, opening the passenger door for him and helping him inside.
“You’re different.. Like.. yeah, there are some good looking men in there and all over Pittsburgh, but none that I like. And maybe that’s because I got some issues in my head. Religious trauma, daddy issues, the sorts. And then, well, I think back home. The boys in Broken Bow.. they are all the same. Repressed and, honestly, kinda ugly. Most midwestern men are.”
“You’re not.”
That shouldn’t have come out, Robby should not have said that at all. But Dennis looked at him like he was the only person in the world.
“You.. don’t think I’m ugly?”
“Of course not. Now, I’m going to break so many rules and I’ll pray no one in HR finds out, and take you back to my place.”
Dennis nodded and leaned back in the seat, letting Robby buckle him in and shut the door. Robby wasn’t sure what he got himself into, but now he couldn’t get himself out of it even if he tried. Robby got into the driver seat and drove towards his apartment complex, watching Dennis lean against the window.
The closer they got, it seemed Dennis began to sober up a little. He probably just drank way more than he did that night and Robby was being over protective of him. They parked in the parking garage, Robby walking over to help him out.
“Lean on me.”
“Carry me?” Dennis fluttered his eyelashes at him, hoping that would win the older man over.
Robby laughed. “No, not happening. You’d hurt my back more.”
As he guided him out of the truck and shut the door behind them, he whispered into his ear. “I would rather watch you carry me, farmboy.”
Dennis giggled, leaning all his weight against Robby. The two walked inside and towards the elevator.
“You’re going to drink water, get out of these clothes, and then you’re going to go to sleep.”
“You gonna kiss me while we’re at it?” Dennis smirked up at him.
Robby cleared his throat and looked away, he wouldn’t admit that he would like to do that as well. But Dennis was out of it, and frankly, Robby also had some to drink. It wouldn’t be right to take advantage of the man like that.
They walked to Robby’s apartment, he unlocked the door and let the two of them in. He guided the younger man towards his bedroom and into the bathroom, setting him onto the toilet.
“I’m going to grab you some water and some clothes. Do you think you can take a shower on your own?”
“I think so.”
“Dennis, are you sure?” Robby titled his face up, looking him over once again.
“I am, Robby.”
“Call me Michael. While we’re here.” He said as he walked out of the bathroom.
Again, Robby wasn’t sure why he was doing all the things he was doing, he wouldn’t do this for anyone else. Maybe except for Jack, but then again, he wouldn’t be picking Jack up from Blue Moon and letting him use his bathroom. He’d take him to his own place, clean him up, put his ass to bed and then text him in the morning.
He wasn’t sure what it was about Whitaker that made him act like this, all head over heels for him. Letting Dennis call him Michael. No one called him Michael, except the people closest to him, and a majority of them were dead.
Robby grabbed a glass of water, setting it on the bedside table. He could hear the shower running through the bathroom door, which meant Dennis was at least moving. Robby rummaged through his clothes to find something that Dennis could wear, which proved to be difficult as Dennis was much smaller than he was.
He ended up finding a shirt from his med school days, which was probably still too big for Dennis, but it would have to do, along with some shorts hoping that the drawstring could be pulled tight enough to fit Dennis. He laid them on the bed then knocked on the bathroom door.
“I have your water near the bed, and clothes laid out. Get changed and meet me in the living room.”
Robby walked towards the living room, cleaning up a little, hoping Dennis wouldn’t judge him too harshly. It was embarrassing of him to care this much about his space, but if Dennis thought so highly of him, then he didn’t want to ruin that image for him.
Then he sat and waited patiently for Dennis to come out of the bathroom. This was weird, right? It had to be weird. He shouldn’t be this eager waiting for anyone, but he wanted to see Dennis come down the hallway with wet hair, smelling like him, and wearing his clothing.
About twenty minutes went by before there was movement. Robby looked up from his phone, his glasses down his nose.
“I was worried you may have drowned in the shower.”
Dennis groaned a little and walked towards the couch, plopping down on it. Robby’s clothes swallowed him still, he could practically see his briefs through the legs off his shorts.
“You more sober than you were?”
“My head hurts so much.”
“Hold on, I’ll get you something.” Robby went towards the kitchen to the cabinet where he kept most of his medicines, like Advil or Nyquil. Nothing hard, that stayed in his bathroom. “Did you finish the water I left for you?”
When he didn’t get a response Robby looked over his shoulder.
“Dennis.”
“Yessir.”
“Good boy.”
Robby grabbed him another glass of water and Excedrin for the migraine. He handed both to Dennis, who looked up at him, his eyes saying it all. He looked so different without the makeup or the harsh lighting of the emergency department. He looked.. Real.
“Christ, Whitaker..”
“Shh.. don’t talk yet.”
Robby nodded and sat down, looking through his phone again. Whitaker took a moment before looking over at him.
“Keep the glasses on, they make you look hot.”
“You have to stop that.”
“Stop what?”
Robby looked at him.
“Dennis, you are.. Look, as much as I want to do.. Whatever this is, you are half my age, a med student, my med student. If we dated, and people found out, you would be disgraced, kicked out of the program. I won’t do that to you.. You.. shit, I mean, look at you, you’re beautiful. Any one would be lucky to date you, I know Bowen is interested in you. I can’t.. I won’t hurt you.”
“You can’t make decisions for me, Michael. I’m not a child, I’m 26.”
“I just picked you up drunk from a bar.”
“I was abandoned!”
“Yea, which, by the way, not great either. But they’re adults too, so I can’t get too angry. But that’s beside the point, you are too good for me.”
“You are perfect for me.”
“You don’t know that. Have you met me? I mean, seriously, did you not see me at PittFest? Don’t you hear the whispers? I am not okay. I am not stable. Your job isn’t to fix me.”
“I don’t want to fix you.”
“Then what do you want with me? To laugh at the old man who has fallen in love with the beautiful med student from Nebraska? Whose smile lights up the room? Who.. who saw me at my lowest and doesn’t look at me like I am the scum of the earth like most do. You are perfect, Dennis. I am not worthy of you.”
Dennis looked at Robby, before standing up.
Robby knew it, he knew he would leave, they always do.
But instead, he stood in front of him, tilting his head up, looking him over before leaning down to kiss him gently. Dennis pulled back, he looked shocked he even did that.
“Dr. Robby.. I’m so sorry, I shouldn’t have..”
Robby pulled him back down and kissed him twice as hard, their lips mashing together, Dennis melted into it, setting himself into Robby’s lap. The two of them only pulled back to breathe, a trail of spit connecting their lips. Dennis’s face was so pink.
“You have freckles.” Dennis said breathlessly, leaning his forehead against Robby’s.
“It’s called being old. You have them because you’re sunkissed, farmboy.”
“Please don’t blame this on alcohol.. I’ve wanted this for a while.. But I couldn’t just sit there and listen to you berate yourself. You're not some unloveable creature. You have been through hell, Michael.. You deserve someone who sees you like I do. And I see you like.. I don’t know.. Like a van Gogh painting.”
“Ah, the suicidal artist.”
Dennis rolled his eyes. “He was more than that, he was troubled, yes. But people didn’t understand him. Van Gogh wanted to do good in the world, had a desire to help humanity, but instead found solace in painting. You’re like Starry Night.” Dennis hummed, running his fingers through Robby’s hair. “I think you’ve hung the moon and stars, but that’s not why. Vincent van Gogh painted it in 1889 during his stay at the asylum of Saint-Paul-de-Mausole near Saint-Rémy-de-Provence. It depicts the view from his window before sunrise, blending the observation with imagination, memory, and intense emotion; the colors and brushstrokes that he used conveyed spiritual meaning and inner turmoil.”
“Since when did you know so much about art?”
“Van Gogh and I are one in the same, except I’m a shitty artist and I don’t want to cut my ear off.”
Robby laughed softly. “So what are you saying?”
“You have inner turmoil, but from that turmoil creates something beautiful. I don’t want to fix you, I want to see you get help, sure, but my job isn’t to fix you. I also don’t want you for your money or status, I don’t want to be some pretty little thing hanging off your arm, and I’m sure you don’t want that as well. Just.. let me have you.. As you are. You heal on your own time, with my support. If.. if you’ll have me..”
Robby cocked his head.
“What.. I..”
Did Dennis think he didn’t want him? All he wanted was him.
“Did you not hear me, Dennis? I said I have fallen in love with you. Of course I’ll have you.”
The younger man smiled softly and leaned in to kiss him again. Robby pulled him in closer to kiss back, tilting his head to kiss him deeper. He didn’t want sex right now, he just wanted Dennis. He just wanted to know that this was real, that he was picking him, that he wanted him.
He could thank a little bit of liquid courage for loosening Dennis up because there was no way he would have admitted his feelings for him sober and Robby would never have admitted his yearning for the younger man.
“Stay?” Robby asked softly, scared he’d say no.
“Of course, Michael.”