Chapter Text
“The Magog on the March: news you can’t accuse. We interrupt your favourite program: Name that Trauma to bring you a boring but serious broadcast. As you may know already, the economy is getting worse and stock prices are falling due to a massive breakout of Mudokons and missing Fuzzles. So far, we have found 6 of the culprits who are roaming around Oddworld and causing more trouble. These culprits include Abe; the blue bastard has been freeing Mudokon slaves and destroying Magog companies such as Rupture Farms, Soulstorm Brewery, House of Chomp, the Mudead House and recently Brain Freeze, Latamire Munch; Glukkon enemy number two was the real culprit who planted explosives as well as set Fuzzles free from the same place: Vykker’s Labs, Stranger; the big badass bounty hunter has destroyed Sekto Springs Bottled Water Company and nearly killed our Clakker consumers, Dynamite; the unprofessional one of our kind was actually NICE to the slaves and even tried to set them free, Xelestia; the sexy and beloved nurse has stolen medical equipment, freed and healed Fuzzles after every experiment and murdered a familiar doctor and Lulu; the lil’ lackey has scammed our bosses out of their moolah and has planted explosives in McDolly’s. If you see any of those 6, report them to either your closest Slig Barracks or jail and we’ll handle the rest. Just remember, those who turn a culprit in will receive the following moolah depending on who they capture. Dynamite and Xelestia: 20.000, Abe, Stranger and Munch: 100.000 and Lulu: 500.000. More on this story as it develops. This Oddcast was brought to you by Vykker Lab’s Chill Pill: happiness: now in a convenient tablet form”
I rang the scary sounding doorbell on Headley’s mansion. Since Vykkers weren’t as wealthy as the Glukkons were, the house wasn’t as expensive looking as I thought it would be. Being a fully mature adult, the mansion still looked posh and well decorative. In front of it was this long path leading to the house surrounded by fountains, statues of Glukkons and bushes shaped like cubes. I wonder who helped Headley with the landscaping?
“Why good evening, everyone,” said Headley when he opened the front door. “Hello, Abe. Are you feeling any better?”
My name is Abe and previously, I had to save Spageria from getting snowed in. To do that, I had to warm up the climate spring which sealed away an entire classroom of kids along with their teacher and I had to walk through a huge blizzard to get there. I had the urge to collapse from the freezing temperature but at that time, I made a promise to Headley. His 10 year old adopted daughter, Harley, was also in need of saving so I couldn’t give up no matter how sniffly I was. No longer having my coat with me caused me to get sick and I had to stay in bed for a while until I was better. On that same day, I got a thank you letter from Headley who invited us all around to his place for dinner.
There I was, standing on his porch with my buddies: Munch, Stranger, Dynamite, Lulu and a new friend named Xelestia who helped me get better with her medical treatment.
“Much better, thanks” I replied.
“Good evening, Headley” chirped Xelestia in her typical high voice. “Is yer daughter feeling better?”
“Why yes” replied the gentleman. “She’s as healthy as a grover flower”
I wasn’t sure what a grover flower was so I just assumed that it was a special kind of flower.
“Come in everybody. I’m sure she’d love to see you”
The house looked even better on the inside and bigger too. It was designed a little bit like the Mudead house but warmer and welcoming. Unlike the Mudead house, the floors and stairs were clean n’ shiny and the wallpaper wasn’t torn or poorly stuck on. The place even had carefully designed paintings in golden frames hanging on the walls.
“Where is Harley?” Munch asked.
“She’s upstairs, playing in her room” replied Headley. “Harley, dear? The guests are here!”
“Yay!” we heard a girl's voice cheer from upstairs.
“Now remember, try not to run or you’ll break another vase!”
There was Harley at the top of the stairs in her best red dress.
“Good evening, everyone” she greeted as she went down the stairs, carefully clutching her silky dress so she wouldn’t trip over.
When she eventually got to us, Headley put an arm around her lovingly. “Harley? These are the people who helped me save you: Lulu who’s one of my patrons, Dynamite, Stranger, Munch and Abe. They also saved your old babysitter: Xelestia”
“Speaking of babies,” added Xelestia. “I have some big news to share with you”
“Why don’t you share that big news in the living room while we wait for dinner?” Headley recommended. “I’ll just put the kettle on if anybody would like a cup of tea”
We were led into the living room which looked antique and old with red couches and living chairs. The entire carpet was black and there were antique vases on window sills.
After we were all settled, Xelestia spilled the beans.
“Ok, so I partook in an experiment by injecting something into me and now look at me”
She rubbed her slightly bloated tummy which got most of us excited. Only Headley and Harley didn’t know about it because they weren’t there when Xelestia helped me get through my cold.
“I’m pregnant!”
“Really?” asked Headley, smiling. “Congratulations! Do you know its gender yet?”
Xelestia just shook her head. She believed that eating a type of fruit and listening to a type of music genre would give her the gender she wanted. Xelestia had been eating Spooceberries and listening to Jojo’s favourite pop songs so the baby would be a girl and she was hoping to name her Amygdala.
“Wanna feel? Be careful though. Even a baby's claws are sharp”
We all took turns feeling Xelestia’s tummy, even me. I couldn’t feel any sharp pokes which was probably for the best. I felt rather bad for Xelestia. Imagine tryna sleep at night with a baby prodding the inside of your tummy with sharp claws. I bet that hurts.
“Do you know when you’re gonna lay the egg?” I asked Xelestia.
“Egg?” she asked, laughing. “We Vykkers are hermaphrodites while you Mudokons are oviparous, Gabbits are amphibious and Glukkons are Octigis. While you come from eggs, we are born the way mammals are. It’s actually too disturbing to talk about. There’s actually something I’ve been meaning to ask you, Headley”
Headley leaned his head forward a bit.
“I’m all- well somewhat ears”
“This is my first child and I want some advice since you’re a father” “Advice?” asked Headley as he got up from the couch. “You’ve asked the right man. After all”
He leaned more closer and whispered so Harley couldn’t hear.
“I did find Harley as a baby”
“Harley’s ado-” Dynamite tried to ask but Headley quickly put a claw to his own lips before standing back up.
“Right, I’ll just pop to the loo and then I’ll come back and tell you all about it”
“I’d rather you didn’t” I cringed.
Headley quickly realised his mistake and laughed, embarrassed.
“I was talking about how I parent my daughter”
I sighed and laughed with him whilst hearing some of my buds snigger. Not Stranger though. He was hard to amuse sometimes.
“What’s it like being pregnant?” Munch asked after Headley left.
“Well to tell you the truth,” replied Xelestia. “Although the thought of having a new member of the family is exciting, I do tend to struggle a bit.
I’m not allowed to drink brew or the baby will grow up to be an alcoholic but despite that, I’ll still get a hangover every morning, shoving my head in the toilet and hugging it as if it’s the only thing I care about. I sometimes try to think of what I want to buy for the baby but I instead think about food. My hunger goes down quickly and so does my bladder. I’ve even peed myself a few times, mainly the times when I’ve sneezed. Don’t get me started on the hormones and mood swings”
“That sounds like me when I’m drunk” I said.
“Despite being in this state” Xelestia continued. “I can still run fast, meaning that I’ll still be able to work for the industrial-natives. Harley? Will you promise to keep this a secret?”
“I’ll try” replied Harley, curious.
“As you may know, I’ve recently applied as a medic nurse in Mutropolis with Jojo as my sidekick. Since we’re both new to the underground city, we know that you guys are missing some family members but we can’t remember their names. Munch has a mum, Stranger has a son and Lulu has an aunt”
She was about to continue until Headley came back. Damn, he was quicker than I am.
“I’m back and I’ve just checked on dinner. It’s nearly ready. Now Harley? Why don’t you go and lay the table?”
“Ok, daddy,” Harley replied as she got off the couch.
When she left, Headley sat back down and told us, “I don’t want her to know the truth- yet. Ok so before I found her in the rain, my wife and I were planning on having a baby ourselves but she became ill and had to be hospitalised. When preparing, we bought the supplies we needed for a baby such as a bottle, nappies, clothes, toys and even built a cot. When I lost her, I still kept the items we bought in the room our child was suppose to have. I thought all that stuff was a waste of moolah until I took a baby Harley into this house. She was nothing but joy and cuteness but I did struggle a little bit. As you already know, babies cry which means you’ll have to keep getting up in the night to quiet them down which was what I had to do. Babies will cry if they’re hungry, tired, lonely, poorly or unhygienic. There are many ways to stop a baby from crying. Harley would usually cry if she were hungry so I would give her some milk. If she were to get sick from too much milk, I would of course clean it up. Who wouldn’t? After finishing her milk, I would gently pat her back to- make her- burp I guess? There’s no other way I can put this. If Harley smelled funny, I would of course change her. If she had a nappy rash, I always had cream and cotton wool on the side. Harley would also cry if she felt lonely or couldn’t sleep so I would either shake her rattle, make her toy Gabbit speak, tickle her, put her favourite red pacifier in her mouth, snuggle her or hum a little lullaby. It will take a while but the baby will eventually fall asleep”
Headley was about to continue until his daughter Harley came back into the room.
“Daddy?” she asked with her usual cute smile. “I’ve set the table and the timer is about to go off”
As soon as she said that, the timer in the kitchen rang.
“Good girl, Harley” Headley praised, standing back up and making his way towards her. “Now everybody wash your hands. Dinner will be served very soon”
“For a 10 year old, Harley’s well behaved,” said Lulu.
“How does he do it?” asked Dynamite.
“Beats me” replied Stranger who has been rumoured to have his own child.
I’m just saying.
After we washed our hands, we gathered round the table in the dining room. It was a pretty long dining table with a white table cloth over it and red serviette tissues with of course the silverware and the food. Headley was not only good at auctioneering but pro at cooking too, just like my buddy Alf. The chicken was juicy, the roast potatoes were crispy, the stuffing was herby, the yolkshire pudding was chewy, the broccolina, jollyflower, carrots and other veggies were fresh and let’s not forget about the gravy. Since Dynamite was a vegetarian, he had tofu instead.
While we ate, Headley gave Xelestia more advice on how to take care of a child such as, “Manners are important in life. Teach them to say please and thank you. They must learn responsibility so they won’t cause trouble so for that, I help Harley out with her homework. When she eventually understands, she tries by herself. Conflict must be dealt with too so they won’t get into fights. That way they’ll be able to be a mediator. To help them learn empathy, give them the love they deserve if they’re depressed. Whatever you do to the child will affect the way they act. Sometimes the child will find it hard controlling their emotions and will swear, shout as well as have mood swings. Once when Harley was crying for about a week, I gave her a diary so she could write about her feelings. After that, she began to cheer up a little”
He continued to give Xelestia advice until we moved on to another topic. “Xelestia?” Munch asked Xelestia with his mouth full.
“Daddy doesn’t like it when people speak with their mouths full,” Harley told him.
This caused Munch to roll his eyes but he still waited until he swallowed. After all, he was invited so he had to be respectful. We all did actually. “Anyway” he eventually said. “What does my mum look like?”
“Like other queens on Oddworld” Xelestia replied. “Pearl is a lot bigger than the regular ones. She has blue-grey moist skin, big purple dewy eyes, longer fins and wears a yellow crown and a pearl necklace. She’s suffering from depression because she thinks all of her children are dead, but she can’t cry due to being in water”
“I’m no orphan after all!” Munch cheered. “I wish I could see her”
After dinner was the desert. Not only could Headley cook but he could also bake too. His banoffee pie was delicious and crumbly.
“Hey, Lulu?” Xelestia asked Lulu while we ate. “Did you know that your mother has a sister?”
“Is it true I have an aunt?” Lulu asked.
Since he couldn’t use his hands, Xelestia had to feed him.
“Her name is Chantale and she has brown skin, green eyes and wears a green crown. She’s not allowed outside because of all this pollution that’s happening. Now here’s the thing. Why would my brethren create cigs for Glukkons if that causes lung cancer? If it weren’t for those lungbusters, then your mother wouldn’t have needed the lungs from Munch”
“Hold the phone,” said Lulu. “You mean those cigs I smoked- could’ve given me cancer?”
He looked rather shocked that a scary thing would’ve happened to him yet he bypassed it without knowing. It was a good thing he gave up smoking before that happened.
“Margaret shouldn’t have been smoking in the first place,” said Xelestia. “Since she would usually lay her eggs, this would cause her babies to hatch prematurely”
“What is wrong with that b-” Stranger tried to ask but I quickly covered his mouth with my hand before he could curse or else Headley would’ve gone nuts.
“Let me guess,” Xelestia told the bounty hunter. “Is she worse than Jo Mama?”
“I dunno,” Stranger replied after I let him go. “Cus Jo Mama’s still a bad influence. Thanks to her abusive and careless parenting, them Outlaws had been causing trouble almost everywhere and even hung my only chance of survival: Doc”
“D-Doc?” Xelestia asked, a little nervous.
“What’s wrong, Xelestia?” asked Dynamite.
Xelestia quickly shook off the feeling.
“I bet you were a great father, Stranger and a good husband”
Later on, Harley took me up to her room to play along with Munch as well. Her bedroom was also fancy with red wallpaper, a black rug, a bed with red silky covers, a brown wardrobe, a Victorian dolls house etc. “What did you think of the food?” Harley asked us both while we sat on her bed.
“You think my brother, Alf, could have the recipe?” I asked. “Yer father’s a good cook”
“You have a nice place, Harley,” said Munch.
“Thank you,” replied Harley. “How many siblings do you have, Alphabet boy?”
“A lot,” I replied.
“Wow!” said Harley, surprised. “Can you manage with all those brothers?”
“I manage,” I replied.
“I have no siblings,” Munch sighed, sadly. “Some were eaten before they were able to hatch, others got their lungs removed. I’m the last one out there and I’m hiding from your kind because they attempted to- do the same thing to me”
Perhaps Munch shouldn’t have said that to a 10 year old since Harley’s face was nothing but open-mouthed and shocked.
“You mean- my intelligent uncles tried to kill you? Why would they do that?”
“Because they liked doing it,” replied Munch. “Pain and screaming was what pleased them”
That conversation was unexpected and dark which gave us unexpected emotions. Luckily, it wasn’t long until Harley was able to show us the toys she had.
After playing with her, it was time for us to go home. Headley and Harley said goodbye to us on the way out and we waved back. Hopefully, that wouldn’t be the last time we’d see each other. It was a shame Jojo couldn’t come with us. She was Xelestia’s assistant and helper who was an Internee.
I asked Xelestia why and she replied with, “Oh, she had business in Mutropolis. She’s been called there for her first duty as a guard to stop industrialists from massacring everyone in the city”
“I’ve always asked myself this,” Munch told us. “If Interns and Internees have their mouths sewn shut then how do they eat?”
“Everybody’s been asking that,” replied Xelestia. “Solid food is wuzzled up into a liquid, poured into a syringe and injected into the stomach. That’s how they eat”
The nurse began to fiddle with her hair.
“I’m gonna need a lot of sleep for tomorrow. There’s this child who’s sick and needs medical attention”
“Who is this child?” Stranger asked her.
Xelestia suddenly clicked her fingers.
“Gadzooks! I remember his name now! It’s Secret”
Stranger suddenly stopped walking which caused the rest of us to stop walking so we couldn’t lose him.
“Secret?” he asked. “Why does that name sound familiar? Is he in Mutropolis?”
“Where is Mutropolis, dear?” asked Lulu, trying to be flirtatious but instead ended up as creepy.
“It’s underground” replied Xelestia, stomping the ground with her foot. “A well is the entrance. Just jump down and you’ll end up in Mutropolis-” She was interrupted by a frightening voice. Stranger was the first one to recognise it. It was high and naily with a Western accent.
“Ha ha!” the voice clucked. “We’ve found one!”
“Clakker” whispered Stranger and was about to lunge at the Clakkers when Xelestia grabbed him by his poncho.
“I won’t let them see you,” she whispered. “Ladies first”
These Clakkers wore safari outfits with explorer caps. They wore padded shoes and a beige belt with a silver buckle. They also sported brown pants.
For some crazy reason, Xelestia walked towards them even though what she was doing was dangerously stupid. All four of her hands were on her hips during her feminine walk.
“What’s she doing?” asked a Clakker.
My thoughts exactly. What was she doing? Was she trying to distract them with what she called her feminine charm? Yes she was.
“Take a picture!” Xelestia cooed. “It’ll last longer!”
She kept her lower hands on her hips whilst putting her upper hands behind her head. She then moved her hips from side to side, sticking out her chest and wriggling her butt. Her posing and distractingness caused the Clakkers to glance at her with satisfied looks and whistle. Xelestia turned around to face us, still posing and she actually looked stressed as if she regretted her decision.
“This is harder than I thought,” she whispered. “Can I bring them down somehow?”
“You wanna kneel down on all seven for us?” asked a Clakker which shocked Xelestia and caused her to sweat with suspense.
“I give up” she mouthed and turned to face the drooling Clakkers. “How about you go on all fours?”
Out of nowhere, she slapped, poked their eyes out and knocked them all down to the floor.
She then ran as fast as she could towards us, squeaking, “They’re down! Now’s our chance to escape!”
We sprinted with her, hearing the Clakkers calling to us, “Where you goin’? We want more!”
“What the hell have I done?” Xelestia panicked.
“You were the one to set them off,” Stranger told her, running on all fours.
We had to hide somewhere. We weren’t sure where but we just had to hide.
“Why are they chasing us?” asked Munch. “What did we ever do to them?”
I suddenly noticed a huge bush which we were about to pass and suggested that we’d hide there. Thankfully, we were far away from the Clakkers so they didn’t see us dash into the bush. We could still hear them though but they couldn’t see us or find us as long as we were quiet.
“Where’d they go?” we heard one ask.
“Aww. I was gettin’ into the swing of things” another moaned.
They didn’t sound that close enough to hear us though but we still whispered just to be on the safe side.
“What the hell was that, Xelestia?” Stranger asked, sounding enraged. “Hey hey. Watch yer language” Xelestia hissed. “My baby can still hear what you say”
“Those bounty hunters were Clakkerz” Stranger scolded, still furious. “And they don’t trust Vykkers. That’s why Doc didn’t have many patients”
“D-Doc?” Xelestia gasped in horror.
“Why do you become scared every time we mention Doc?” asked Lulu. “I-it’s not important right now” Xelestia hesitated. “I guess I’m still not ready to release my passion”
She hung her head with guilt.
“Of course you are,” I said, trying to cheer her up. “Just if you’re ready that is”
“And I won’t lie, I enjoyed your distraction for the most part” Lulu flirted. Something suddenly fell through the bush and onto the ground. Munch was the first one to see it and cried out that it was a bomb.
We all jumped out of the bush just as the bomb exploded and had another threat to worry about. The same Clakkers as before were even closer to us only there were a lot more bounty hunters surrounding us.
“Damn! That’s a lot of bounty hunters!” Dynamite worried.
“These must be the culprits who’ve been causing trouble,” said a bounty hunter, analysing what looked like a wanted poster in his hand. “They look exactly what they look like on this poster. Hands up, terrorists! Yer comin’ with us!”
There was no escape since we were all crowded. The only thing with us was a very tall tree with naked branches.
“My weapons are futile” said the Stranger.
“Then it looks like we’re gonna have to go up and away!” cried Dynamite.
We had no other option but to climb up the tree with the bounty hunters trying to grab us. It was very hard not to mention painful climbing up since we weren’t the climbing type of creatures. Lulu had to be carried up by Xelestia since his hands were concealed in shoes. I however shuddered and tried not to look down.
When we were almost at the top, something sparked Xelestia’s nerdy mind.
“Wait a sec” she realised when she got her dress caught on a branch. “I recognise this area! Can anyone see a well?”
I looked down to find the bounty hunters tryna cut down the tree and screamed when I realised how high we were which nearly made me fall. “This must be the area” Xelestia continued after getting her dress off the branch. “So I know the well must be here somewhere. It’ll lead us to Mutropolis. Aha! There it is! Look below the cliff!”
The tree was on a cliff and one branch which Xelestia and Lulu were on was hanging over a steep drop. We had to climb to that branch so we could see the well.
“How are we gonna get to it?” I asked before suddenly hearing a snap which sounded like someone stepping on a twig. “What the-”
We turned our heads to where the noise came from only to realise that the branch we were on was beginning to break.
“Ahh! The branch!” I panicked, clinging on for dear life.
“Too many of us!” Stranger told us.
“Are you sayin’ I’m fat?” Munch asked, a little offended.
“We’re going down!” cried Lulu as the branch broke and fell, taking us with it.
We screamed as we kept falling. Luckily, we were aiming right for the well and boy the journey down was quite bumpy.
It was like a tube slide except most of the time it was aiming straight down. Perhaps the kind of tube slide is too dangerous for yer kids. The design inside the well looked like we were falling through a drain pipe. Due to its very solid shape, we got a lot of injuries on the way down and I nearly broke my arm because of it. Yea it wasn’t a smooth ride. Down and down we went until we eventually landed in a heap.