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"Here." Malcolm Reed said. His voice was quiet but intense as he dragged Trip Tucker into a tangled thicket of underbrush. Tucker eased himself down onto the forest floor with a groan of relief. He was panting and sweating and his leg ached fiercely.
"Don't get too comfortable. We haven't lost them yet." Reed warned as he crouched down next to the exhausted engineer. He gently examined the deep wound on Tucker's thigh.
"What's the verdict?" Tucker asked.
"Well, I think you'll have to endure some eel therapy when we get back to the ship, but in the meantime..." Reed began to pull the zipper of his uniform down.
"Malcolm, what are you doing?" Tucker asked. Reed didn't reply as he struggled out of the top part of his uniform and stripped off his shirt. Tucker shifted nervously. "You know, as much as I love you, I don't think this is a good time for...uh..."
"Relax." Reed said with a smirk that didn't quite reach his anxious eyes. "I'm not going to ravish you. I'm just trying to make sure you don't bleed out on me." Reed wrapped the shirt tightly around Tucker's leg. Ignoring Tucker's hiss of pain, he tied the makeshift bandage securely in place before straightening up his uniform.
"Here." Reed handed Tucker the communication device that he had taken from the prison guard's unconscious body.
"And just what am I supposed to do with this?"
"Figure out some way to contact Enterprise with it." Reed said, peering intently through the bushes.
"Oh, just like that, huh?" Tucker replied sarcastically. "I don't have the tools to reconfigure this thing."
"I have complete confidence in your skills, Commander." Reed turned to look at Tucker again. "Now pay attention." He held out the weapon that had also belonged to the unlucky guard. "This is the trigger mechanism. The targeting sight isn't set for human vision so don't rely on it. I have no idea what kind of charge it has, so if you have to use it make your shots count." Tucker made a small sound of frustration in the back of his throat.
"And just what are you going to be doing while I'm modifying the communicator and holding off the bad guys with an alien weapon?"
"I'm going to be drawing them away from here. I'll circle back once I've lost them."
"You can't be serious."
"I can't?" Reed asked, his tone deliberately playful.
"No. No way." Tucker said, refusing to be swayed by Reed's teasing. Reed let his breath out in a small huff of annoyance.
"If you've got a better idea, Commander, I'd like to hear it."
"It's too dangerous. What's wrong with staying right here?"
"Listen. Tell me what you hear."
Tucker cocked his head slightly. The sounds of pursuit were growing louder--occasional shouts underscored by a steady rhythmic yelping.
"Damn." He said in dismay. "They've got a bloodhound."
"Well, I doubt it's a dog, but I'd be willing to bet that whatever it is, it's got our scent and will lead them right to us if we both stay here."
"And what makes you think it'll follow your scent and not mine?"
"Because no hound, alien or otherwise, can resist a fox making a break right out under its nose."
"No." Tucker said in flat rejection.
"Trip, there's no other option. You won't be able to run much farther on that leg. If we don't do this we won't have any chance at all of getting back to the ship."
"I'm not gonna let you do this."
"Then give me another option, because I can't think of anything else." Reed's voice was heavy with frustration. Tucker stared at him. The sharp yelping of the tracking animal came clearly through the cold air, much closer now.
"Don't do this, damn you." Tucker said.
"There's no other choice." Reed said. "You know I'm right." He gifted Tucker with a sudden gentle smile, then leaned in and captured his lips in a passionate kiss. They were both breathing hard by the time they pulled apart.
"We should stay together." Tucker said stubbornly. Reed reached up and brushed his hand along Tucker's jaw.
"'Down to Gehenna or up to the Throne'." He said softly.
"Huh?" Tucker said in confusion. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Reed's attention was now almost completely focused on their approaching enemies.
"Kipling. The Winners." He replied absently.
Pursuit was almost on top of them and Tucker could see Reed's muscles coiling in anticipation. There was nothing of gentleness in Reed now. He was all feral tension and concentration. He had never looked more beautiful to Tucker and Tucker had never felt more afraid for him.
"Lieutenant Reed, you listen to me, I order you not to do th-..."
"I love you." Reed said. Then he broke cover and was gone.
Tucker heard shouts of surprise, the whine of weapons fire, and a hellishly eerie howl. A primitive shiver of fear coursed down his spine at the sound and he clutched the alien weapon tightly.
"Damn you, Malcolm." He whispered vehemently as the sounds of the chase moved rapidly away from his hiding place. He waited until he could hear nothing but ordinary forest sounds before putting down the weapon and picking up the communicator.
"Damn you." He whispered again as he turned the instrument over in his hands and began to pry open the back.
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Reed was pretty sure that he had lost them for good this time, and not a moment too soon. Pain and fatigue ate at him, clouding his mind and wearing away the last physical reserves of his body. Blood oozed sluggishly between his fingers as he pressed his hand a little harder against the wound in his side.
He stumbled over the uneven ground, but caught himself against a tree before he could fall. For a long time he leaned into the support of the rough trunk, his breath coming in short heavy gasps. A light rain began to fall, adding a painfully sharp bite to the already cold air.
"Come on." Reed muttered to himself. "Keep moving. Trip is waiting for you. Just over that ridge." He pushed himself away from the tree and pressed onward, concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other.
Here. Thin branches scratched against his face and hands as he pushed his way into the thicket. He was sure this was the place. The underbrush had been trampled slightly and there were a few spots of rapidly diluting blood on the ground.
Tucker was gone. Had he been recaptured or, worse, killed? No. Reed pushed the dark thoughts away. Surely Tucker had made it back to the ship. Reed stubbornly refused to entertain any other possibility. He had to believe that the desperate plan had worked and that Tucker was safe.
Dizzy with blood loss and fatigue, Reed sat down heavily on the damp ground. He was shivering uncontrollably now and he wondered if he was dying.
"'One may fall, but he falls by himself--Falls by himself with himself to blame.'" He mumbled another line from the ancient Kipling poem, not quite sure why the damn thing was running through his head.
He pulled himself into a tight ball in a vain attempt to conserve his body heat. The cold was a dangerous enemy. He knew he should keep moving, but he was so incredibly tired.
"Trip, please be safe." He whispered. The soft rain continued to patter down around him as he slowly slipped into unconsciousness.
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"Captain, I think I found him." Travis Mayweather's voice was excited.
"I am reading something as well." T'Pol added. "One human biosign, not far from where we picked up Commander Tucker. However, the signal is weak."
"Travis, can we get a transporter lock on him?" Archer asked.
"I think so." Mayweather said. "Yes. Got it!" Archer was already on his way to the lift.
"Have Phlox meet me in the transporter room." He said.
Archer made it down to the transporter room just in time to see his armory officer materialize on the platform. He quickly knelt beside the motionless man and pressed his fingers against the cold flesh of Reed's neck. Nothing. He shifted his fingers slightly and pressed harder, afraid of finding the same result. But there it was, a weak but steady flutter against his fingertips.
Archer heaved a sigh of relief. Reed was alive. He was unconscious, half-frozen, filthy, and bleeding, but he was alive. Phlox and his medical team came through the door before he could make a further assessment of Reed's condition. Archer stepped back to let the experts take over.
A few moments later, the door to the transporter room slid open again and Tucker limped in. He started to move toward the platform where Phlox and his medics were still working over Reed. Archer blocked his way.
"He's alive, Trip. Let Phlox do his job."
"Alive." Tucker whispered. He seemed to sag in relief and Archer moved quickly to support his friend. "He's gonna be okay, isn't he?" Tucker asked.
"He's going to be fine." Archer said firmly, as much to convince himself as Tucker. "Come on. You should be in sickbay."
"I needed to see..." Tucker said unsteadily. His gaze was riveted on Reed who was being loaded onto a gurney by the medics.
"I know. Come on, Trip." Archer tugged lightly on Tucker's arm. "They're taking him to sickbay now and that's where you should be too."
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Reed lay on the biobed, curled loosely on his side under a pile of blankets. An IV drip delivered a slow steady supply of fluids and medication into his bloodstream. Tucker sat by Reed's side watching him intently as if he could somehow will him awake.
"How's he doing?" Tucker looked up at Archer's approach.
"Hasn't moved in hours." He replied with a worried frown. "Phlox says it's nothing to worry about, but I wish he'd wake up."
Tucker smoothed a dark lock of hair back from Reed's forehead and then tugged one of the blankets a little closer around the sleeping man's shoulders. Reed didn't react at all to the contact. The lack of response bothered Tucker because Reed was normally a very light sleeper.
"Trip, when was the last time you got some rest?" Archer asked with a mild hint of reproof in his voice. Tucker shrugged.
"I want to be here when he wakes up."
"From what Phlox was saying that could be a while. Why don't you lie down for a bit? I'll stay and keep an eye on Malcolm for you."
"I don't know..."
"You lost plenty of blood yourself. You need to rest."
"You'll wake me up if anything changes?" Tucker asked anxiously.
"Of course."
After a few more assurances from Archer, Tucker stretched out on the neighboring bed and closed his eyes. Archer listened in satisfaction as his friend's breathing slowed and evened out into the soft rhythm of sleep.
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Nearly twenty hours after his rescue from the planet's surface, Reed slowly drifted back into consciousness. His head throbbed with a dull ache and his mouth was as dry as desert sand. He blinked in the dim lights of sickbay and struggled to lift himself up on his elbows, but a hand pressed down on his shoulder, pinning him in place.
"Easy there, Malcolm."
Reed blinked up at Archer in confusion. Archer, not Tucker. Reed's exhausted sleep-addled mind immediately jumped to the worst possible conclusion. He shut his eyes tightly.
"Oh God, no." He whispered. "Trip..." He struggled against Archer's hands, fighting to get up, fighting against his own horrible conclusions.
"Malcolm, Trip is..."
"No." Reed shook his head violently. He didn't want to hear it, couldn't bear it if it were spoken aloud and made real.
"Malcolm!" Reed's eyes flew open in shock at the sound of the familiar Southern accent. "You settle down right now." Tucker glared down at him, his face set in a stern scowl.
"Trip." Reed managed to croak through his unbearably dry throat. His mind reeled with relief as he sank back against the pillows. Trip was alive, safe.
"You're stayin' right there 'til Phlox says you can get up." Tucker shook an admonishing finger at him. "In fact, you're gonna do everything that he tells you..."
Reed reached out and placed a trembling hand on Tucker's wrist, interrupting the tirade. There was no strength in the grip, but Tucker allowed Reed to drag his hand down.
"Trip." Reed rasped again as he cradled Tucker's palm against his cheek. "Trip. I didn't...I thought..."
"Hey." Tucker said softly. He'd been expecting the usual battle over staying in sickbay, and was more than a little startled by the raw emotion in Reed's voice. "I'm here." He let his thumb brush softly against Reed's neck. "We're both fine. Understand?" He was relieved when he felt Reed nod against his hand. Tucker bent down and pressed a soft kiss against his lover's forehead. "You rest now. Okay?"
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Tucker decided to have a piece of pecan pie as a way to celebrate the end of his first day back on duty. Well, light duty, but duty nonetheless. He gathered up his pie and a glass of milk and glanced around the crowded mess hall, looking for a place to sit.
"Hey Commander! Over here." Mayweather called from the corner table where he and Hoshi Sato sat. Tucker joined them.
"Have they put you back to work already?" Mayweather asked.
"Yeah." Tucker replied. "And it's a good thing too. We're starting to run a little behind in some of the upgrade work."
"Have the mice been playing while you were away?" Sato asked.
"Nah. Everyone's been workin' hard. It's just some of these upgrades are kind of tricky. With any luck, we should be able to get them done by the end of the week."
"That's good." Travis said. "By the way, how's Malcolm doing? I haven't had time to check in with him lately. Has Phlox let him go yet?" Tucker shook his head.
"No. He's still a little feverish. Phlox says its nothing to worry about, but I think Malcolm's starting to go a little stir crazy."
"Poor Malcolm." Mayweather said.
"Poor Malcolm?" Sato said with a snicker. "Poor Phlox, I say. Malcolm's not the easiest patient to deal with. I went to see him at lunch today and all he did was complain." Tucker grinned.
"That's my Mal." He said fondly.
"Well, I'm glad he's yours and not mine," Sato said with a teasing smile "because I probably would have throttled him long ago if I had to listen to him whine all the time."
"That's 'cause you don't know him like I do. He's just bored and frustrated is all. As soon as I'm done here, I'm gonna go see if I can cheer him up a little."
"Well, I'm sure you'll have better luck than I did." Sato said. Tucker just smiled and ate a forkful of his pie.
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On his way to sickbay Tucker stopped by his quarters for a book. It would give him something to do if Reed was asleep. As much as Tucker loved looking at Reed, watching the man sleep for hours on end got a bit boring after a while.
He started to pick up a PADD of adventure novels when his eye was caught by some of Reed's old-fashioned books sitting on the shelf above his bed. He smiled. It was nice that their relationship had progressed to the point where their clothing and belongings had started to mingle in each other's quarters. Tucker took it as a sign of trust on Reed's part.
He reached out and traced the spine of one of the books with his finger. He and his partner had very different tastes in literature, but he'd recently caught Reed looking at one of his spy novels. When Tucker had teased him about it, Reed had smiled and replied that he was merely trying to figure him out and then had gone on to critique the fictional hero's tactical abilities. Tucker grinned at the memory. On impulse, he plucked one of the books off the shelf and carried it along with his PADD to sickbay.
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Tucker stood and stretched. The pull of the muscles in his back felt gloriously satisfying. He had been sitting in sickbay long enough to finish his novel and in all that time Reed had woken only once. He had stayed awake just long enough to complain of thirst, drink a glass of water with Tucker's help, and argue half-heartedly about not needing that help.
Tucker smiled and brushed a gentle hand over Reed's hot forehead. Reed stirred slightly at the touch and muttered something unintelligible. Tucker was reassured by the reaction. Reed's stillness that first day had been more than a little unsettling.
Tucker walked aimlessly around sickbay, trying to work the remaining kinks out of his muscles. His leg still ached a bit, but it was bearable. Phlox's osmotic eel had done its job well.
Tucker took a few more circuits around the room before dropping back into his chair. He fidgeted restlessly for a few minutes before leaning over and picking up the book he had taken off his shelf.
Tucker groaned softly when he read the title: 'Complete Verse of Rudyard Kipling'. Tucker was not a man who cared much for poetry, but for some reason the author's name sounded familiar. He flipped aimlessly through the book, reading bits here and there, unable to make much sense of it. Most of the poems seemed to allude to obscure cultural references or ancient historical events.
Tucker shook his head. Not his kind of thing at all. He was about to put the book down when the title of one of the poems caught his eye. The Winners. Wasn't that what Reed had quoted to him down on the planet? Curious, he began to read.
What is the moral? Who rides may read.
When the night is thick and the tracks are blind A friend in a pinch is a friend indeed, But a fool who waits for the laggard behind. Down to Gehenna or up to the Throne,
He travels the fastest who travels alone. White hands cling to the tightened rein, Slipping the spur from the booted heel, Tenderest voices cry 'Turn again!'
Red lips tarnish the scabbarded steel.
High hopes faint on a warm hearth stone-- He travels the fastest who travels alone.
Tucker abruptly slammed the book shut, wishing he hadn't read even that much. The words cast a very different light on Reed's actions down on the planet. Hurt and anger rose in Tucker's chest. He stared hard at Reed.
"Damn it, Mal." He said softly. "Just what the hell were you trying to tell me?"
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"May I join you?"
Tucker looked up at Reed with no hint of welcome in his eyes.
"Suit yourself, Lieutenant." The words were cool. A bewildered look crossed Reed's face, but he placed his tray on the table and sat down.
"Phlox finally let me out of sickbay." He said with a small smile.
"Obviously." Tucker said flatly. Reed's smile faltered and faded.
"I've missed you." He ventured hesitantly. "I haven't seen you at all in the past two days and..."
"Yeah, well, I've been busy." Tucker interrupted. Reed recoiled slightly from the adversarial tone, but didn't retreat completely.
"Trip, what's going on?" He asked, but Tucker continued on as if he hadn't heard the question.
"In fact, I've got a meeting with the Captain right now, so if you don't mind..."
"By all means, Commander." Reed's voice hardened as his face closed down into a professional blankness. "Don't let me keep you."
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Archer frowned down at the formal request for a disciplinary hearing.
"Trip are you sure you want to do this?" He asked quietly, tapping the PADD with his finger. Tucker fidgeted slightly in his chair.
"Yeah. I'm sure."
"He really scared you, didn't he?" Archer said sympathetically. Tucker scowled, his jaw set in a stubborn line.
"That's got nothin' to do with it."
"Are you sure?"
"Of course I'm sure." Tucker said defensively. "I gave him a direct order and he ignored it. It's not like he hasn't done something like this before." Archer sighed and rubbed his hand across his forehead.
"I know it's not. He can be incredibly stubborn when he thinks he's doing the right thing, and even more so when he's trying to protect something he cares about. Have you talked to him about this?" There was a long silence. "Trip?"
"No." Tucker finally muttered. "I haven't."
"I think you should." Tucker opened his mouth to protest, but Archer cut him off. "That's an order. I'm going to hold off acting on this until you do."
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Tucker found Reed sitting alone in the mess hall nursing a cup of tea and staring out at the stars.
"We need to talk." He said flatly.
"Yes. I can see that we do." Reed replied quietly.
"Not here." Tucker said.
Reed gave a curt nod and stood.
They walked down the corridors to Tucker's quarters in complete silence. Reed followed Tucker into the room, stopping warily just inside the door. He waited nervously, but Tucker just stood with his back to him, tense and unmoving. Reed finally broke the oppressive silence when it became clear that the other man wasn't going to say anything.
"Trip, what's going on? I can see that you're upset, but I don't understand why." There was no answer and the tension in the small cabin caused Reed's skin to crawl. Tentatively, he reached out and placed a hand on Tucker's rigid shoulder.
"Trip, please..." Tucker rounded on Reed so furiously that the shorter man took a step back and bumped into the door.
"You don't respect me!"
Reed stared at Tucker, shock and surprise showing plainly on his face.
"What?" He finally managed to say. "What are you talking about?"
"Down there, on that planet. You left me behind because you don't respect my judgment!"
"What? Trip, that's insane. I left you behind because you'd been shot in the leg. There was no other choice. If we had stayed together..."
"You've always got to be the hero, don't you?" Tucker interrupted venomously. "Well, I've said it before an' I'll say it again. It doesn't suit you!"
The words were calculated to hurt and Tucker felt a small surge of satisfaction when he saw Reed's eyes cloud over with pain. He waited for Reed's angry response, but it never came.
"Commander," Reed asked quietly "just who the hell do you think got us off that planet?"
"You did." Tucker replied sullenly.
"No, I didn't. You did. I merely gave you the time to do it."
Tucker said nothing. Reed sighed in weary frustration.
"Trip, you found a way to get our cell door open and to make that communicator work. If you hadn't been able to do that we'd still be prisoners or, even more likely, we'd be dead."
"You disobeyed a direct order." Tucker said, stubbornly refusing to be swayed.
"Yes, I did. And I'd do it again under similar circumstances. We were out of time; there was no other viable choice. But that doesn't mean I don't respect the man who gave that order." There was another long silence before Tucker spoke.
"Then why did you say it?"
"Say what?"
"Why did you quote that poem to me?"
"Poem?" Reed gave him a look of pure confusion. "I honestly don't understand what you're talking about." Tucker grabbed the book off his desk and flipped it open to a book-marked page.
"This poem!" He said, shoving the book at Reed. Reed stared down at the poem and then shook his head, still uncertain as to why Tucker was upset.
"It just popped into my mind at the time. What exactly are you asking me?"
"Well, it seems to me that you were saying I'm excess baggage. That I'm just a dangerous distraction from your duties."
"Trip," Reed said harshly, shutting the book with more force than he had intended "I don't sleep with people I don't respect. And if I thought for one minute that you were a distraction from my duties to this ship and crew, you and I would not be in this relationship." He risked a slight smile in an attempt to lighten the atmosphere. "Although I have to say that you can be quite charmingly distracting under the right circumstances." Tucker only crossed his arms and stared at him stonily.
Reed sighed and ran his hands over his face. He was achingly tired and didn't want to be doing this right now. He wanted his sweet affectionate partner, not this angry man who stood in his place. He didn't really understand what had changed between them, and he felt like he was trying to defuse a mine with absolutely no understanding of how the basic arming mechanism worked. Not sure what else to do, he fell back on formality.
"I'm sorry if you felt that I was being disrespectful or condescending in either my actions or my words. It certainly was not my intention. I may not always agree with you, but I have the greatest respect for you both as a man and as a Starfleet officer. I always have. I'm sorry if I said or did anything to make you doubt that."
Tucker said nothing. The silence lay between them like an insurmountable gulf, and Reed suddenly couldn't bear it anymore. His relationships always ended badly--no reason for this one to be any different. He swallowed hard to keep the grief out of his voice.
"If you want to talk, you know where to find me." He hoped that Tucker would say something, anything, to stop him from going out the door, but no words ever came.
When Reed reached his quarters he realized that he still held the book. He threw it forcefully onto his desk, not caring when it skidded off the smooth surface to land, cover splayed, pages bent, on the deck.
Reed couldn't sleep. He was beyond exhausted, but his mind just wouldn't shut down. He rolled over onto his back with a sigh and opened his eyes.
The darkness around him was absolute and it felt strangely foreign. Tucker's quarters had a portal and Reed had become used to the pale light of the passing stars. He wondered how long it would take for the darkness of his own quarters to become familiar again.
He sat up, punched his pillow a few times, and then flopped back down. He tried to clear his thoughts of everything but the need to sleep. It was no use. The angry conversation kept replaying over and over again in his mind's eye. He pressed his hands over his face and let out a growl of frustration. This was getting him nowhere.
Reaching out blindly, he brought the lights up just enough to push the darkness to the edges of the room. He sat up and blinked in the dim light. His gaze fell on the discarded book.
Reed didn't consider himself an overly sentimental man, but the book had belonged to his grandfather and it was one of the few tangible things he had to remember him by. Reed climbed out of bed and picked the book up, hoping that he hadn't damaged it too badly with his careless handling. He smoothed the bent pages and checked the spine. It appeared to be fine. The leather binding and high-quality paper had resisted permanent creasing.
Reed sighed and ran his hand absently over the cover of the book. He wished that his relationship with Tucker could be smoothed out so easily. Tucker was the one who was good at fixing things. He had an engineer's instinct for identifying and solving problems. Reed couldn't even begin to count the number of times Tucker had managed to even out the rough patches between them. But this time Tucker was showing no interest in trying to repair their faltering relationship.
Reed had the awful feeling that it was up to him to do something about it. He shook his head sadly. He'd never had much luck in trying to save any of his previous relationships. It wasn't something he was good at.
It would be easier to just give up now, to let their relationship slowly suffocate under the silence. It would be awkward to work together, but Reed was sure they could manage it. They were both professionals, after all. But he loved Tucker and didn't want it to end. And if he didn't want it to end, then he would have to be the one to take action.
"You can do this." Reed said softly to himself. The words sounded hollow and insincere. "All right." He amended. "You can at least try to do this. If you don't, you'll regret it." That at least he could believe. He dressed quickly, pulling on a t-shirt and sweatpants. He took a deep breath before exiting his quarters.
He was half way down the corridor before he realized that he hadn't put on any socks or shoes. The deck plating was uncomfortably cold against his bare feet. He thought about going back to his quarters for footwear, but quickly dismissed the idea. He needed to do this and he needed to do it now, before his courage failed.
Reed hesitated outside of Tucker's quarters. It was late. Tucker was probably already asleep. Now was really not the time to be doing this.
"Oh, just get on with it you bloody fool." Reed muttered to himself. He pressed the door chime before he could come up with any more pathetic excuses for running away.
Time passed slowly and he shifted nervously from foot to foot. He was a little startled when the door suddenly slid open. Tucker looked like he had been awakened from a sound sleep.
"What do you want?" He asked, scowling at Reed. "Do you have any idea what time it is?"
"Can I come in?" Reed asked. His faint hope that he could somehow reconcile things between them was fading fast. He was pretty sure this was going to end badly, but he had to at least try.
"Some of us have to be on duty tomorrow, you know."
"Please." Reed said softly. Tucker sighed but waved him in.
"What do you want?"
"I want to talk."
"Malcolm, we already talked. It's late and I'm tired."
"Please." Reed said. "I want...I need to try to fix this. I don't really know how, but at least give me the chance to try." Tucker shook his head, but didn't ask him to leave so he pressed forward in desperation.
"I don't know exactly what's going on, but I do know that this is about more than some blasted poem. Trip, we've been together for over a year. Do you really think that I don't respect you?"
"Well, it's not like you've ever given me any reason to believe otherwise." Tucker said angrily. "You always act like I don't know my ass from my elbow. You have to argue with every decision I make because you think I'm incompetent and weak!"
"That's not true!" Reed protested. "Trip, you have no idea how much I admire you. I don't think that you're weak or incompetent. Far from it. I think that you're a better man than I'll ever be."
"Well, you sure as hell don't act like it." Tucker snarled. "Let me ask you this, Malcolm. What would you have done if our positions had been reversed? If you were the one who'd been shot in the leg. Would you have suggested the same plan?" Reed opened his mouth to say yes, but then stopped and looked away guiltily.
"Yeah. I thought as much." Tucker said bitterly.
"Trip, I..."
"You wouldn't trust me not to screw it up."
"Oh, Trip" Reed said sadly, "that's not it at all."
"Then what?" Tucker said sarcastically. "Explain it to me 'cause I'd really like to know. Be sure to use small words so I'll understand."
"I'm expendable. You're not."
"Oh, don't give me that bullshit. You're just as important to this ship as I am."
"No." Reed said softly. "I mean personally. You're not expendable to me. I'd rather die a thousand times over than see anything happen to you. If..."
"And how the hell do you think I feel!" Tucker shouted. "Damn you! Do you have any idea how scared I was when you took off like that? And when I heard that thing howl..." Tucker's voice faltered for a second before he continued. "It took me hours to jury-rig that communicator. And then we couldn't find you and when we finally did, you were bleeding and half-dead from exhaustion. How do you think that made me feel, you stupid selfish bastard?"
"I hate it, you know." Tucker continued vehemently. "I hate it that you see yourself as something that can be sacrificed like a goddamned chess piece. I hate it that you think your life is worth less than everyone else's. I hate it that you think you're someone that I could replace in my life. Damn it, Malcolm. You're not expendable either. Not to me. Why can't you believe me when I say that I love you?"
"Maybe for the same reason you can't believe me when I say that I respect you!" Reed snapped. He sighed and rubbed his hands over his face, his brief flash anger abruptly draining away.
"Maybe we simply don't trust each other enough for this to work." He said resignedly. "Maybe we should just end it before..." He shook his head, unable to continue, and turned to leave. Tucker lunged forward and grabbed him by the arm.
"Damn it, Malcolm." He said, but this time the words were soft and held no heat. "I don't want you to go." Tucker slid his arms around Reed and pulled him into a gentle embrace. Reed stood stiffly in the circle of Tucker's arms.
"Maybe you're right." Tucker said. "Maybe it would be easier to just end this. You make me madder than hell sometimes. But I don't want you to go. And I don't think you want to either or you never would've come here tonight. We can make this work. I know we can. We just need to learn to trust each other a little better is all."
"You make it sound so easy." Reed said with a sigh.
"Maybe it will be." Tucker said, shrugging slightly. "We won't know until we try."
"Optimist." Reed accused as he relaxed into Tucker's embrace. He could feel his muscles trembling with fatigue and relief. Tucker hadn't let him leave this time.
"There's nothing wrong with havin' a little hope." Tucker said. "And if it's not easy...well, sometimes good things take a little work, you know."
"I know." Reed said.
"Come on. It's late and we're both dog-tired. We can talk about this more tomorrow."
"All right." Reed said. He started to pull away, but Tucker gently tightened his embrace, holding him in place.
"You don't have to go." Tucker said. "You can stay here with me."
"Do you want me to?" Reed asked uncertainly.
"'Course I do. I already told you that I don't want you to leave."
"All right."
They shed their clothing and curled up together on the narrow bed. Tucker spooned himself up against Reed's back and then reached up to turn off the lights.
"Goodnight, Mal." He said as he snaked his arm around Reed's middle and pulled him a little closer.
Reed was grateful for the physical contact--it made him feel loved and secure. He sighed softly and relaxed against his lover's warm familiar body. Sleep pulled at him and he was just starting to doze off when Tucker's voice dragged him back into wakefulness.
"Malcolm?"
"Hmm?"
"I'm glad you came here tonight. I'm sorry I overreacted before."
"I'm glad I came too, Trip." Reed rolled over to look at Tucker. The weak starlight limned the contours of Tucker's face. Reed reached out and gently traced his fingers across Tucker's cheek. "I'm sorry I hurt you. I love you. I don't want to loose you."
"I love you too. And you won't loose me because we're going to make this work."
"Optimist." Reed said with a smile. He pressed himself a little closer and kissed Tucker tentatively. Tucker responded eagerly and Reed felt his doubts melt away. Maybe Trip was right. Maybe all they needed to make this work was a little more faith in each other.
Reed woke to the slight pressure of a kiss being pressed against his temple. He rolled over onto his back and opened his eyes.
"Hey." Tucker said, planting another quick kiss on Reed's lips. Reed smiled sleepily.
"Hey yourself." He noticed that Tucker was already dressed. "Time for you to go?"
"I already went." Tucker said with a grin.
"What?" Reed asked as he propped himself up on his elbows. "What time is it?"
"A little after fourteen hundred hours."
"Oh." Reed said. "Why didn't you wake me earlier?"
"Well, it seems to me that you needed the sleep. Besides, last I looked you weren't scheduled for duty today."
"Still." Reed said with a frown. "I wasn't planning to waste half the day sleeping."
"You needed the rest." Tucker said firmly. "Come on. Let's have lunch and then we can waste the rest of the day doin' something else. This is my last day of light duty, so let's make the most of it."
"And just what kind of 'something else' did you have in mind, Mr. Tucker?" Reed asked.
"Come here an' I'll show you." Tucker said with a wicked grin.
"What about lunch?" Reed asked teasingly.
"Lunch can wait." Tucker said as he slid his body over Reed's, pinning him down onto the mattress.
"I suppose it can at that." Reed said. He ran his hand up onto Tucker's neck and pulled him down for a kiss.
_____________________________________
"What time is it?" Reed asked as he stretched lazily on the bed. Tucker lifted his head and glanced at the chronometer.
"A little after sixteen hundred hours."
"You wouldn't happen to have anything to eat in here?" Reed asked hopefully. "I'm starving."
"Um, sorry. No."
"Damn. I suppose we'll have to get up then." Reed said reluctantly.
"I've got a better idea." Tucker rolled over to kiss Reed. "Why don't I make a run down to the mess hall and bring something back for us." Reed smiled.
"Mmm. Room service. I knew there was a reason why I loved you so much."
_____________________________________
Tucker surveyed the dessert selections and debated on whether to add a piece of pecan pie to his already heavily laden tray.
"Hungry?" Archer's voice took him by surprise. Tucker jumped a little, but managed to prevent the plates from sliding off the tray.
"Capt'n" he said, "you startled me."
"It's a little late for lunch isn't it?" Archer asked. He looked at the slice of pineapple cake on Tucker's tray with a knowing grin.
"Yeah, well, I've been kind of, um, busy."
"Busy?" Archer asked a little too innocently. Tucker narrowed his eyes at his friend.
"Capt'n..." He said warningly. Archer's grin reappeared.
"Does this mean that you and Malcolm have worked things out?"
"Uh, yeah. I guess we have."
"You don't sound too sure." Archer said with a small frown. Tucker rolled his eyes.
"Would you stop worrying?" He said. "We're good. We're just workin' on a few things still."
"All right." Archer held his hands up in surrender. "I didn't mean to pry."
"Yeah. Right." Tucker said with a small snort of disbelief.
"Okay, so maybe I did a little." Archer pulled a PADD out of his pocket. "Do you want this back now or should I hold onto it?" It took Tucker a second to realize what Archer held.
"Oh." He said as a small blush of embarrassment crept over his face. "I'll take it. I think you were right. I was upset and just sort of overreacted. Um, thanks."
"No problem." Archer said. He carefully slid the PADD between Tucker's hand and the tray. "Enjoy your lunch. And tell Malcolm I said hi." Tucker laughed.
"I will." He said.
_____________________________________
Tucker somehow managed to keep hold of the overloaded tray while he punched in his access code. He grinned at sight that greeted him as he stepped into his quarters. Reed was sprawled out naked on the bed, seemingly fast asleep, one arm flung over his head, the other resting across his stomach.
Tucker quickly placed the tray on his desk. He set the PADD down on a stack of similar devices near the computer. Then he slowly and quietly started to move toward the bed. He bent down to kiss Reed, but hands suddenly seized him. The world tilted crazily and he found himself pinned down on the floor with Reed straddling him.
"Got you." Reed said with a smirk. Tucker laughed.
"So you did." He said as he ran his hands over Reed's bare thighs. "Can't say I mind, though." Reed leaned down and kissed him. "Not that I'm complaining or anything," Tucker said when the kiss broke off "but I thought you said you were hungry."
"No. Starving. I'm quite sure I said I was starving."
"Well, then, you'd better have something to eat. You need to keep your strength up. We have plans for the evening."
"We do?"
"Oh, yeah. Big plans."
"Sounds like fun." Reed said as he climbed off of Tucker. He eyed the overflowing tray on the desk with amusement. "Did you leave anything for the rest of the crew? Or is the Alpha shift dinner crowd going to go hungry?"
"Hey, you were the one who said you were starving." Tucker said as he joined Reed at the desk. "Besides, this way we don't have to go out again until tomorrow."
"Brilliant idea." Reed said. "I love a man who thinks ahead."
He surged forward and kissed Tucker aggressively, causing the taller man to stumble and bump into the desk. The stack of PADDs wobbled precariously and then fell over, scattering across the deck. Tucker and Reed both laughed as their kiss broke off and then bent to pick up the devices. Neither of them noticed the PADD that had slid down to lie hidden between the desk and bulkhead.
_____________________________________
"Commander," Reed asked, "do you have a moment?" Tucker looked up from his pile of paperwork with a scowl.
"What is it now?" He snapped. Reed stopped short and looked at Tucker warily.
"Never mind." He said. "It's nothing that can't wait." He turned to leave.
"Wait." Tucker said. Reed paused and then turned around, fidgeting nervously with the PADD that he held.
"Really, it's nothing urgent."
"I'm sorry, Malcolm." Tucker rubbed his hands over his face. "I didn't mean to snap at you. I've been trying to get these reports done all morning, but it's just been one interruption after another."
"I'm sorry."
"Not your fault. Now what did you want me to look at?" Reed came forward and held out the PADD.
"I've been working on a way to increase the power output of the phase cannons and I wanted your opinion on it."
"Huh." Tucker said as he took the PADD. "You know, you've been asking for my opinion an awful lot lately." Reed felt himself blush.
"Well...I-I...uh..." He stammered. Tucker grinned a little at Reed's sudden discomfiture.
"I appreciate what you're tryin' to do, Darlin', but you don't have to push quite so hard." Reed managed a weak smile. He hadn't meant to be so obvious. He had just wanted to assure Tucker that he respected his views and opinions.
"All right." He said. "But I really would like your opinion on this. You might not care for some of my ideas."
"Hmm. Good point. You know, it's almost noon. Why don't we go grab a bite to eat and you can tell me exactly which of my fine ship's systems you want to mess with this time."
_____________________________________
"Malcolm, come to bed."
"In a minute."
"That's what you said an hour ago. What's got you so wrapped up over there anyway?"
"Upgrade proposal." Reed said absently, his attention focused on the PADD he was holding. "I'm meeting with the Captain first thing tomorrow morning to discuss it."
"Is this the same one you showed me last week?"
"Yes. Don't worry. I've added the modifications you suggested."
Reed accessed the power output simulation results. He scrutinized the data for any flaws. One of the graphs was mislabeled, but everything else looked like it was in order. Reed frowned at the offending graph and tapped in a quick correction. He scrolled down to the summary and started to give it a final proofread, but the PADD was suddenly pulled from his hand.
"Hey!" He protested.
"Have you heard a single word I've said?" Tucker asked, holding the PADD out of Reed's reach.
"Trip, I was working on that."
"Come on, Malcolm. I know you. You know this stuff inside out by now. The Capt'n isn't going to have you keel hauled over a spelling mistake or two. Stop fussing with it and come to bed." He grinned and added, "I'll make it worth your while."
"Oh?" Reed said. "And just how are you going to do that?" Tucker tossed the PADD carelessly onto the disorganized desk.
"Like this." Tucker swiveled Reed's chair around and moved forward to straddle his seated body. He leaned forward and gave Reed a lingering kiss.
"Is that the best you can do?" Reed asked.
"Oh, I'm just gettin' started. Besides, I don't think you're as unimpressed as you're pretendin' to be." Tucker smirked and reached down to rub his hand over Reed's growing erection.
"Let's just say I'm open to persuasion." Reed said.
"I think you'd be a lot more open to persuasion if we weren't wearing any clothes." Tucker said with a grin.
"Do you think so?" Reed asked.
"Yep."
"An interesting hypothesis. Shall we test it?"
"Good idea." Tucker said eagerly. He stood and slowly began to strip his clothes off. Reed watched with a thoughtful expression on his face.
"You know," Reed said as he admired Tucker's naked aroused body, "I think you may be onto something."
"Well, now, let's not jump to conclusions too quickly. The experiment isn't exactly over yet." Tucker reached out and pulled Reed to his feet. "Here. Let me help you."
Tucker unzipped Reed's uniform and pushed it down off his shoulders and past his hips. He then proceeded to pull Reed's shirt off, rubbing his fingers lightly over Reed's nipples in the process. Reed gasped softly.
Tucker gave him a wicked grin and then slowly knelt down in front of him, stealing numerous touches and kisses along the way. Reed swallowed hard and struggled to maintain his self-control. He couldn't quite stifle an eager moan when Tucker hooked his fingers into the elastic of his underwear and finally freed his erection.
"Well?" Tucker asked as he slid back up Reed's naked body. "What do you think?"
"I would say that all the evidence seems to uphold your hypothesis. I feel, ah, very open to persuasion at the moment. Now, I believe you said something about making it worth my while?"
"I sure did, Darlin'."
_____________________________________
"So, was that worth your while?"
"I suppose I can't complain."
"Really? Now there's a first."
"Be nice, you." Reed said nudging Tucker with his knee.
"I'm always nice." Tucker said. "It's part of my Southern charm." Reed gave a huff of laughter that ended in a sudden yawn.
"What time is it anyway?" He asked.
"Late." Tucker replied. "Very late." Reed sighed and started to extricate himself from Tucker's loose embrace.
"Hey." Tucker said. "Where are you going?"
"We need to get cleaned up."
"Can't that wait?"
"We smell like sex and the sheets are a mess too." Reed said. "We should change them." Tucker reached out and pulled Reed back down onto the bed.
"What's wrong with the way we smell?" He asked as he nuzzled Reed's neck. "I like the way we smell. And I don't give a damn about the sheets. I'll change 'em in the morning, okay?" Reed laughed.
"You're incorrigible." He said.
"You bet I am." Tucker trailed a quick line of kisses along Reed's neck and shoulder.
"Mmmn. That feels nice."
"Yeah it does, but I should probably stop now." Tucker skimmed his hands over the familiar contours of Reed's body.
"Y-yes." Reed said, shivering in pleasure as Tucker toyed with his nipples. "You probably should."
"I will. Any minute now." Tucker slid one hand lower and stroked it lightly over Reed's cock.
"Whenever...oh...whenever you're ready." Reed gasped and arched his body against Tucker's.
"We should really get some sleep..."
"Oh, to hell with sleep." Reed groaned. "Don't stop."
"Whatever you say, Darlin'. Whatever you say."
_____________________________________
Reed felt remarkably relaxed when he woke. He rolled over and placed a gentle kiss on Tucker's lips. Tucker stirred slightly at the touch. Happy and content, Reed gazed at his lover's sleeping face. He leaned forward and kissed Tucker again, brushing his tongue lightly over Tucker's lips.
Tucker opened his eyes and smiled. "Hey, Darlin'." He said drowsily.
"Good morning, Luv." Reed replied. Tucker looked at him with pleased surprise. Reed rarely used endearments of any kind.
"What?" Reed asked, a little puzzled by Tucker's expression.
"Nothing." Tucker said with a grin. "Just thinkin' about how much I love you."
"Oh?"
"Yeah." Tucker said softly.
"That's good. Because I was thinking about how much I love you too." Reed leaned forward and kissed Tucker passionately. Tucker yielded to the pressure, letting Reed's tongue swirl against his own. They moved closer, pressing their bodies together, entangling their legs; sliding their hands over each other's bare skin.
"I want you." Reed said.
"You've got me, Darlin'. Any way you want." Tucker replied with a groan of anticipation.
Reed reached out and groped for the tube of lube on the nightstand. He caught sight of the chronometer and froze.
"Oh, sodding hell!" He said, abruptly pushing away from Tucker.
"Hey! What..."
"We forgot to set the blasted alarm. I'm going to be late." Reed struggled to disentangle himself from Tucker and the bed sheets. He flicked on the lights and then went over to the desk and started pawing through the disorganized scattering of PADDs.
"Damn it! Where is it? We left it right here."
"Hey, calm down." Tucker said as he rose from the bed.
"I can't calm down!" Reed snapped. "I have a meeting with Captain Archer in less than three minutes. I can't find the PADD with my proposed upgrades. And I need a shower. I knew we should have cleaned up last night. Ah! Here it is." Reed snatched up the PADD, but it slipped from his fingers and fell, dropping down between the desk and the bulkhead.
Reed gave a wordless shout of frustration and pounded his fists against the desktop. He felt Tucker's arms close around him from behind.
"Trip, let go of me. I don't have time for this."
"Nope." Tucker said evenly. He shifted his grip slightly and pulled Reed tightly against his chest. "Not until you calm down."
"Easy for you to say. You're not the one who's late." Reed struggled a little against Tucker's grasp, but was unwilling to exert the necessary force to break free. Even as annoyed as he was, he wasn't willing to do anything that might hurt Tucker. Finally he sighed in resignation and let his head fall back onto Tucker's shoulder.
"I despise being late." He said almost apologetically. "I haven't been late for my shift in years."
"Then you should be able to get away with it this time." Tucker said reasonably. "It's not the end of the world. Look. Here's the plan. You go get a quick shower and I'll call the Capt'n and let him know you're running a little late. I'll even fish the PADD out from behind the desk for you. How does that sound?"
"It sounds embarrassing." Reed grumbled. "My lover calling my captain and explaining that I'm going to be late."
"It's not like he doesn't already know about us."
"I know. It's just...awkward."
"You know the longer you stand here arguin' with me, the later you're going to be."
"Fine." Reed said grudgingly. "You win. This time." Tucker smiled and kissed Reed on the cheek before letting him go.
"Good. Now go on." He said. Reed obeyed with a sigh.
_____________________________________
Reed fidgeted in the lift, fixing the collar of his uniform and running his hands over his damp hair. He hoped he looked at least semi-presentable. He quickly checked his pocket to make sure he still had the PADD. The lift door opened and Reed stepped out onto the bridge. He was almost fifteen minutes late for his shift.
"Good morning Malcolm." Archer said cheerfully, rising from his chair. "Would you please join me in my ready room?"
"Of course, sir." Reed said. His face burned with embarrassment as he followed Archer into the small room.
"Have a seat." Archer said as he sat down behind his desk. "Coffee?" He offered.
"Please." Reed said nervously. "Ah, sir, I'd like to apologize for being late. I..."
"Don't worry about it, Malcolm." Archer said. "I think I can overlook it this time. Just as long as you don't start making a habit out of it." If anything, Archer seemed more amused than annoyed by Reed's late arrival and Reed began to wonder just what, exactly, Tucker had told him.
"No, of course not." Reed said faintly. He accepted a mug of coffee from Archer and took a quick gulp of the hot liquid. He was grateful for the caffeine. He hadn't had time to eat breakfast.
"Now then," Archer said, "you told me that you wanted to discuss some possible modifications to the phase cannons?"
"Yes, sir." Reed pulled out the PADD and turned it on. "I would like to increase the power output by linking the..." His voice trailed off as he looked down at the PADD. Request for Disciplinary Hearing? What? Where were his weapon schematics?
His breath caught in his throat when he realized what he held. So much for trust, he thought as a painful stab of betrayal lanced through his heart. Why hadn't Tucker told him that he had filed the request?
"Malcolm?" Reed glanced up sharply. Archer was looking at him with a faint frown. "Is something wrong?"
"I...excuse me, sir." Reed surged to his feet, but then swayed as his shock, low blood sugar, and sudden motion all combined to leave him feeling lightheaded and sick. He tightened his grip on the PADD and dropped his free hand down onto Archer's desk for support.
"Malcolm?" Archer asked in alarm. He came around the desk and put a steadying hand on Reed's arm.
"I-I'm sorry." Reed said.
"Are you okay?"
"Fine. I'm fine." Reed said, not quite daring to remove his hand from the desk.
"You don't look fine." Archer said. "You're awfully pale."
"It's just..." Reed let his voice trail off, not sure what to say.
"Come on." Archer said as he tightened his grip on Reed's arm. "I think we better have Phlox take a look at you."
"Really, sir, that's not necessary." Reed said, mortification mixing with his shock.
"Do I have to make it an order, Lieutenant?" Archer asked sternly.
"Uh, no sir." Reed said faintly. He made no further protests as Archer escorted him out across the bridge toward the lift.
_____________________________________
Reed silently endured Phlox's battery of medical scans and listened patiently to the familiar lecture on the medical dangers of erratic eating habits. When Phlox handed him a bland protein shake he drank it without complaint. He handed the empty cup back to Phlox who was looking at him with puzzled concern. He knew that his unusual docility was confusing the doctor, but he felt strangely paralyzed at the moment.
Reed was hyper-aware of the damning PADD that rested in his pocket. Why hadn't Tucker warned him? Did he think that Reed would try to use their relationship to get him to change his mind about filing the request? They had both agreed not to let their relationship interfere with their professional lives. Did Tucker not trust him to hold to that agreement?
"Lieutenant Reed?" Phlox interrupted his racing thoughts.
"Yes?" Reed said. He looked up to see Phlox staring at him expectantly. "I'm sorry, did you say something Doctor?"
"Would you please roll up your sleeve? I would like to take a blood sample."
"Oh. Of course." Reed said. He unfastened the cuff of his uniform and pushed the sleeve up his arm. He watched listlessly as Phlox swiped an alcohol pad across his skin before pushing a needle into his arm. The faint sting was surprising, even though he had been expecting it.
"Are you done?" Reed asked when Phlox finally withdrew the needle. "I'd like to get back to work." He wanted to escape to the armory where he could think in peace.
"I think it would be best if you remained here until I've finished running the tests."
"But I'm fine." Reed said. "I..."
"Why don't you let me be the judge of that, hmmm?" Phlox interrupted. Reed let his breath out in a huff of irritation.
"Fine." He said. "Whatever you say Doctor." Phlox left with the vial of blood.
Reed resisted the urge to look at the PADD again. He knew all too well what it contained. He lay down on the biobed with a sigh and stared blankly up at the ceiling.
He wondered why it should hurt so much. He could understand why Tucker had filed the request. He had disobeyed a direct order after all and Tucker was well within his rights to call for a hearing. But what he couldn't understand was why Tucker hadn't told him.
_____________________________________
Reed woke with a start. Phlox was standing next to the biobed, fiddling with something on the readout panel above his head.
"Doctor?" Reed asked groggily. He didn't remember falling asleep.
"I'm sorry, Lieutenant. I didn't mean to wake you."
"How long have I been asleep?"
"About an hour. How do you feel?"
"Fine." Reed said. It was a lie. He felt tired and off- balance. He sat up and scrubbed his hands across his face.
"All the tests came back normal." Phlox said, studying Reed closely. Reed fidgeted a little under the scrutiny. Phlox frowned slightly before continuing.
"The only things I can find wrong with you are an elevation of your blood pressure and a slight increase in your epinephrine levels, both of which indicate that you are under some degree of stress. But other than that, you are in excellent health."
"May I leave now?" Reed asked. "I'd like to get back to work."
"I can see no reason to keep you here." Phlox said. "But I would like you to take the remainder of the day off, just to be on the safe side."
"But..."
"No buts, Lieutenant. If you should begin to feel ill or experience any more dizziness, I want you to come back to sickbay immediately. And don't forget to eat lunch. Our bodies need fuel to operate properly."
"Of course, Doctor." Reed muttered. He slid off the biobed, eager to make his escape.
_____________________________________
Reed sat quietly in Tucker's quarters and stared out at the streaming stars. It wouldn't be long now. Tucker's shift had ended ten minutes ago. Reed sighed and fidgeted nervously in his chair. He wasn't looking forward to the coming discussion.
A few moments later, the door slid open and Tucker came in.
"Hey, Darlin'." He said. "Are you okay? The Capt'n told me you weren't feelin' too good. I tried to find you at lunch, but you weren't around."
Reed kept his gaze riveted on the stars. The strange paralysis was back and his carefully rehearsed words had all deserted him. He tightened his grip on the PADD until his fingers ached.
"Mal?" Concerned, Tucker crossed over to his lover. "Oh, hell." He said when he realized what Reed was holding. "Malcolm..."
"When were you going to tell me?" Reed asked softly.
"I wasn't planning on telling you at all because I didn't put it though."
"What?"
"I didn't put it through." Tucker said. "I was mad at you when I wrote it and I..."
"You wrote this because you were mad at me?" Reed said in disbelief.
"Uh, yeah. I was angry about that damned poem and what happened on the planet. I wasn't thinkin' straight."
"Is that what this is about?" Reed said sharply. He stood abruptly and glared angrily at Tucker. "I said something that you didn't like, so you take disciplinary action against me? And you had the gall to talk to me about trust! What do you..." Reed broke off suddenly.
He felt the blood drain from his face as his anger gave way to a sickening realization. He had set himself up for this. He had been warned, but fool that he was, he had chosen not to listen. He could almost hear his father's voice echoing in his head: 'Be polite to your superiors, but don't try to make them your friends. If a friendship goes sour it can leave your career in jeopardy.'
"He was right." Reed whispered to himself. He should have listened to his father. He had been so stupid. Not only had he made Tucker his friend, but he had taken it all a step further and made him his lover as well. He had left himself wide open and vulnerable to attack.
"What the hell are you talking about?" Tucker asked
"I wonder what else the old bastard was right about?" Reed said.
"Right about what? Who the hell are we talking about?" Tucker asked with a scowl. Reed looked at him, his eyes cold and shuttered.
"What happens the next time I say or do something that displeases you?" He asked.
"Malcolm, I'm sorry. I overreacted. I admit I made a mistake."
"Damn right you did! When we started this relationship, you gave me your word that rank would never enter into it."
"I didn't put it through." Tucker repeated stubbornly.
"And next time? What then? Damn it, Trip, you could destroy my career, everything I've worked for."
"You know I wouldn't do that." Tucker said. Reed shook his head.
"No. I don't know that. Not any more." Reed dropped the PADD onto the desk.
"Malcolm..."
"I'll come back later to pick up my things."
"Malcolm..."
"It's over Trip." Reed said, his voice flat and empty. He stepped out into the corridor and left without a backward glance.
_____________________________________
Tucker sighed and punched in his door code. All of his efforts to track down Reed had failed miserably. He knew that the other man was avoiding him and avoidance was something Reed excelled at.
Tucker stopped dead when he stepped into his quarters. Things were different. The old-fashioned books were gone. And not just the books. All of Reed's things were gone. It made the cabin seem oddly empty and Tucker felt a sharp pang of loss.
To make matters worse, there was a box sitting on his bunk. Tucker was pretty sure he knew what it contained. He walked over to it and hesitantly lifted the lid. He touched the neatly folded uniform that rested on the top. Tucker slowly pulled his belongings from the box, letting each item fall carelessly onto the bed. Everything was there. All of it. He sighed in dismay. Reed had sent his message loud and clear.
_____________________________________
Tucker strode purposefully into the armory. He hadn't wanted it to come to this, but it had been three days since Reed had walked out on him and his patience was finally at an end. He didn't care if they were still on duty. After all it wasn't as if he had been able to corner Reed alone during his off hours. It was time to beard the lion in his den. And speaking of the lion...
Reed was working on the targeting scanners with Ensign Achala Singh. Tucker had been hoping to catch Reed alone, but he wasn't going to be deterred so easily this time. He'd make scene if he had too. He walked right up to Reed.
"Is there something I can do for you Commander?" Reed asked, his voice as cold and distant as Arctic ice.
"As a matter of fact there is." Tucker shot a quick glance at Singh. "Would you excuse us for a moment, Ensign? Lieutenant Reed and I have something to discuss."
"Certainly sir." Singh had noticed the sudden tension in the air and quickly absented herself from the armory.
"Malcolm," Tucker said as soon as they were alone, "we need to talk."
"There's nothing to talk about, sir." Reed turned to leave as well, but Tucker caught him roughly by the arm.
"Damn it, Malcolm..."
"Careful, sir." Reed said, his eyes narrowing dangerously. "An assault charge wouldn't look good on your record." Tucker just tightened his grip.
"All right now, that's enough of this stupid game of yours. You're going to talk to me whether you want to or not."
"I'm not playing games, Commander." Reed said. "This relationship is over. I don't care to discuss it with you."
"Well, that's too bad, because we're gonna discuss it! Right here an' right now!"
"No."
"Malcolm..."
"No. I agreed to our relationship against my better judgment because you swore to me that rank would never come into our personal lives. You broke your part of the bargain."
"Bargain!" Tucker shouted. "Relationships aren't based on bargains!"
"No, they're based on love and trust and you were going to stab me in the back!" Reed wrenched his arm out of Tucker's grasp. "Hell, Trip! If you'd done it simply because I disobeyed a direct order, I could have understood. I could have dealt with it as a professional. But you were going to do it because you wanted to hurt me. You wanted revenge."
"Look, I'm sorry. It won't happen again, I swear to you." Tucker said desperately "Even if I was stupid enough to do it again, the Capt'n wouldn't let it go through." Reed shook his head.
"He's your best friend, Trip." He said despairingly.
"So? What does that have to do with anything?"
"What if next time he feels the same way? What if next time, I fuck up and hurt you so badly that he wants to punish me too? Where will that leave me?"
"You're not giving me and the Capt'n much credit, are you?"
"I can't afford to Commander. Now, if you'll excuse me sir, I'm still on duty. I have work to do."
_____________________________________
Tucker checked the readings again and then made a minor adjustment to the flow of plasma coolant.
"Okay, Billy," he called "try..." A series of violent jolts ran through the ship, causing Tucker to grab for the railing. He quickly scanned the information on the console in front of him but, whatever the problem was, it wasn't the engine.
The deck shuddered beneath his feet again as Enterprise jumped into warp. Frowning in confusion, he punched the comm button.
"Tucker to bridge. Mind telling me what just happened?"
"It seems we accidentally crossed over into Azka'athi space." Archer replied in a strained voice. "Apparently, they don't care much for visitors. They were...eager for us to leave. Sorry we didn't have time to warn you. Is everything all right down there?"
"We're a little shook up, but other than that we're good."
"The armory took some heavy damage. I'm sure Malcolm could use a hand."
"I'm on it, Capt'n. Tucker out."
_____________________________________
The armory was in a state of barely controlled chaos. Smoke hung in the air and several crewmen were still battling small fires with hand-held fire extinguishers. Tucker wrinkled his nose at the heavy stench of fried circuitry.
"Excuse us, sir." A pair of medics brushed past him. Ensign Tanner lay on the stretcher they were carrying, his face badly burned. Tucker frowned. He hadn't known that there were casualties. A small trace of panic threaded through his heart until he located Reed. The tactical officer was hunched over a console, punching in a rapid succession of commands.
Tucker picked his way across floor, carefully avoiding the smoldering debris.
"Malcolm?" He asked. "Are you okay?" Reed looked up. His face was streaked with soot and sweat.
"Fine, sir." He said angrily, but Tucker was pretty sure that the anger wasn't directed at him. "I think we've got the worst of it under control, but it's going to be a while before we have weapons back online."
"What can I do to help?"
_____________________________________
Reed lay on his back, his head and shoulders inside the open console.
"How does it look now?" He asked. Tucker checked the readout and shook his head even though he knew Reed couldn't see him.
"Nope." He said. "The power is still fluctuating."
"Damn." Reed muttered as he slithered out from under the console. "The problem isn't here." He rubbed his hands over his face, smudging the soot and grime into new patterns and inadvertently adding a new smear of grease across his cheek. "Let's check the power couplings again."
"The power couplings can wait." Tucker said. "We've done enough for one day. Time for a break." The armory was quiet. Reed and Tucker had sent the rest of armory staff off to bed hours ago.
"Commander..." Reed started to protest.
"I'll make it an order if I have to." Tucker warned. "But I'd prefer it if I didn't have to."
"Fine." Reed said, not bothering to hide his irritation. He pulled himself to his feet, and then blinked and swayed as a wave of dizziness washed over him. He reached out to steady himself against the console but misjudged the distance. Tucker caught his arm before he could fall and lent him support until he could regain his balance.
"Are you okay?" Tucker asked in concern.
"I'm fine, Commander."
"Like hell you are. You nearly passed out."
"I'm fine." Reed said forcefully.
"Damn it, you always do this!"
"Do what?" Reed asked defensively.
"Freeze me out! Make me guess what's wrong and how to fix it."
"You're a fine one to talk." Reed snarled. "You're the one who left me to rot in sickbay for two days with no idea what was going on."
"That was different!"
"Oh, really?" Reed said. "Yeah. It was. I was mad at you, but at least I was willing to hear what you had to say. You won't even talk to me!" Reed sighed and rubbed his hands over his face again.
"You don't understand." He said.
"Understand what?" Tucker said in angry frustration. "What is there to understand? I made a mistake. I admit it. I'm sorry. I fucked up royally, but I've learned from it. Why won't you even try to forgive me? I'd really like to know because I'm sick and tired of tryin' to read your mind!"
Reed just shook his head and started toward the door.
"Malcolm," Tucker said, "if you walk out that door, this is over. Really over. I won't come after you again." Reed paused, leaning heavily against the door jam. Tucker felt a small surge of hope run through his heart. He stepped forward, closing the gap between them. "Please just talk to me."
"You really have no idea what you did to me, do you?" Reed said without turning around.
"No, I guess I don't." Tucker said. "But could you at least try to explain it to me?" Reed sighed, but finally turned and looked at Tucker.
"I don't know what difference it will make." He said wearily.
"Just try. Please." Tucker said. Reed stared silently at the deck for a few moments before speaking.
"You know I don't...connect well to other people. For a long time all I really had in my life was my career. I've failed at so many things, but not at that. I'm very good at what I do. When I was given this post, I felt like I had succeeded beyond my wildest expectations. I was content. I didn't think I needed, or wanted, anything else." Reed looked at Tucker accusingly.
"But you disrupted that. You pushed and bullied your way into my life and made me want something more. You made it so I couldn't go back to that simple contentment."
"I..." Tucker almost started to apologize, but then fell silent, not quite sure how to respond to the grief in Reed's voice. Reed didn't seem to notice the interruption.
"You complicated my life, but I was happy, truly happy. I had my career, my place on this ship, you. I thought maybe..." Reed looked away and wrapped his arms tightly around himself. "When I discovered that request; when I learned why you wrote it, I suddenly realized that you have the power to take everything I care about away from me. All of it. Do you have any idea how much that frightens me?"
"Aw, hell, Malcolm." Tucker said. He understood now. Fearful of loosing the one consistently good thing in his life, Reed had made a tactical retreat away from their relationship. "I'm sorry. I had no idea...I never meant to hurt you like that. I love you." Reed shivered and closed his eyes.
"I don't know how to protect myself from you."
"You shouldn't have to protect yourself from me. I don't want you to be afraid of me." Tucker reached out to stroke his fingers along Reed's jaw. "Malcolm, I really am sorry. You know that, don't you?" Reed pulled away from the touch.
"Trip, don't..." He broke off and quickly put his hand against the bulkhead. "Oh."
"What's wrong?"
"Dizzy." Reed said faintly as he slid down to his knees.
"Malcolm." Tucker said in alarm, kneeling down next to him. Reed was deathly pale and there was a light sheen of sweat on his forehead.
"Must have hit my head harder than I thought." He said weakly.
"You hit your head?" Tucker said. "When?"
"During the attack. We all got knocked around down here"
"What? Why the hell didn't you say something?"
"Because I was needed here. Had to get things under control. There was no time to go to sickbay. It wasn't bothering me until now."
"Why do you have to be so goddamned stubborn all the time?" Tucker said angrily. "Why can't you ever admit..." He broke off as Reed suddenly leaned forward and threw up onto the deck.
"Damn it." Tucker said quietly.
"I'd like to go to sickbay now." Reed said miserably. "That is if you're done yelling at me."
"Oh, I'm not done with you yet, Malcolm Reed. Not by a long shot. But what I have to say can wait until we get you checked out. Can you walk if I help you?"
"Yes." Reed said, rising unsteadily to his feet. "I think so."
"Come on then."
_____________________________________
"There you go, Lieutenant." Phlox said as he discharged a hypospray against Reed's neck. "That should help with the pain."
"Thank you, Doctor." Reed said. "May I go now? I'd like to get cleaned up."
"I think it would be best if you stayed here overnight."
"Is that really necessary?" Reed asked. He hated staying overnight in sickbay. A lot of Phlox's therapeutic creatures were nocturnal and Reed found it hard to fall asleep with all the noise they made.
"You took quite a blow to the head." Phlox said. "I would prefer to keep you for observation."
"I'm fine." Reed said stubbornly.
"Lieutenant..."
"What if I stayed with him?" Tucker asked, breaking into the familiar argument that was brewing between Reed and Phlox. "I could keep an eye on him and call you if anything went wrong."
"I don't need anyone to keep an eye on me." Reed said with a scowl.
"I suppose that would be acceptable." Phlox said, ignoring Reed's protest. "But only if you promise to contact me at the first sign of trouble. Some minor dizziness is to be expected, but if he should start to experience headaches, blurred vision, nausea, or disorientation, you should bring him back to sickbay immediately."
"Sure, Doc." Tucker said. Reed glared at them both, annoyed that they were talking about him as if he wasn't there.
"I can take care of myself." He said.
"Huh. I'm not so sure about that." Tucker said. "But it's your choice Malcolm. Either you let me look after you or you can stay here with the bat."
"Fine." Reed said with ill-concealed irritation. He slid off the bed and walked over to the door. "Are you coming, Commander?"
"I expect to see you back here first thing tomorrow morning, Lieutenant." Phlox called after him. Reed didn't answer as he walked out the door.
_____________________________________
"Why are you being such a bastard about this?" Tucker asked as Reed punched in his door code.
"I'm going to go take a shower." Reed said as if Tucker hadn't spoken.
"Do you need any help?" Tucker asked. Reed's only answer was a look that could freeze water. Tucker held his hands up in surrender. "Just askin'."
Reed stalked into the small lavatory, wishing that the door was the type that could be slammed shut. He was beginning to think that he should have stayed in sickbay. Tucker had no right to interfere with his life. Not anymore.
Reed stripped out of his filthy uniform and dropped it into the small hamper before stepping into the shower. He turned on the water. With a sigh, he propped his hands against the stall wall and leaned into the spray. The warmth of the water felt good against his stiff aching muscles, but it did nothing to ease the painful tangle of emotions in his heart.
He pushed away from the wall, picked up the soap, and began to scrub the worst of the grime off of his body. Damn it all anyway, Reed thought as his breath hitched raggedly in his throat. He swiped his hands angrily over his eyes.
"Blasted soap." He muttered even though he knew the soap had nothing to do with the unpleasant prickle in his eyes. He wished that the last four days had never happened; that he had never seen that bloody request in the first place. He could have lived happily in ignorance.
He reached for the shampoo, but a sudden surge of vertigo rolled over him. Taken by surprise, he reached out to steady himself against the stall wall but only succeeded in knocking the shampoo bottle off the small ledge. Unable to keep his balance, he let himself sink down onto the floor.
"Damn it." He whispered. Even after the dizziness passed, Reed remained on the floor. He knew he should get up and finish washing, but he felt exhausted and overwhelmed and it was easier to just sit.
The bathroom door opened. "Malcolm?" Tucker said anxiously. "Are you okay? I thought I heard something fall."
"I'm fine." Reed said. "I simply lost my balance." Tucker peered over the top of the shower stall.
"Are you sure?"
"Yes. Of course I'm sure." Reed said with a scowl.
"Then why are you still on the floor?"
"Because I'm tired. All right?"
"Okay." Tucker withdrew. Reed sighed and put his head in his hands. He was trying to work up the energy to stand when the shower door clicked open and Tucker stepped in.
"What are you doing?" Reed growled.
"Come on." Tucker said as he pulled Reed up off the floor. "Let me give you a hand before your water ration runs out."
"I don't need..." Reed started to protest.
"Oh, hush." Tucker said. "It's not like we haven't showered together before."
"That was different. I wasn't mad at you then."
"Well, you didn't have a cracked skull then either."
"I have a concussion, not a fractured skull. There's a difference, you know."
"Whatever." Tucker said as he bent to retrieve the bottle of shampoo. He poured some into his hand and then reached out and started to work it into Reed's hair. Reed gave a yelp of pain and ducked away when Tucker's fingers brushed over the tender area at the back of his head.
"Sorry." Tucker said. "I didn't mean to hurt you."
"Leave me alone." Reed said angrily. "I don't want your help."
"Stop being such an annoying independent cuss, would you?"
"If I'm so annoying, then why are you even here?"
"Because I care about you!" Tucker shouted in frustration. "Because if you won't look after yourself then I'm gonna do it for you!"
"So you're just going to bully your way back into my life, is that it?"
"Yeah. I am. You had your chance to be shut of me. You could have just walked out that door and I wouldn't have bothered you again. But you didn't. You didn't want me to leave."
"Sod off Commander."
"Stop calling me that." Tucker said with a scowl. "We're off duty."
"You're the one who wanted to drag rank into our personal lives."
"No I didn't!"
"Then why did you?" Reed shouted. His voice held more anguish than anger. "Why did you bring rank into it? You were..." He paled and swayed precariously. Tucker wrapped his arms around him before he could fall. Reed sagged a little and Tucker readjusted his grip, pulling him tightly against his chest.
Tucker tried to ignore the familiar feel of Reed's bare skin sliding against his own. He wasn't entirely successful. Clearly he had underestimated his ability to overlook the appeal of a wet naked Malcolm Reed. Even his deep annoyance with the man couldn't quell his body's natural reaction. He closed his eyes and tried to regain control of himself.
"Trip?" Reed went very still as he became aware of Tucker's arousal.
"Um...just ignore that." Tucker said in embarrassment.
"And what if I don't want to ignore it?" Reed challenged. He twisted around and closed his hand over Tucker's cock.
"Malcolm. Don't. Just don't." Tucker said. He was in no mood to be toyed with right now.
Reed let go of Tucker and stepped away, his face carefully blank. He didn't say anything. He quickly rinsed the last of the soap off of his body and then stepped out of the shower.
Tucker watched him leave and wondered if he had just made a mistake. Reed was incredibly difficult to interpret sometimes. Tucker sighed and reached for the soap. As long as he was in the shower, he might as well get cleaned up properly before trying to deal with Reed again.
_____________________________________
By the time Tucker came out of the bathroom, the lights had been dimmed and Reed was already in bed, his back to the room. The man was clearly determined to shut him out again.
Tucker suppressed a fresh surge of annoyance and opened the small footlocker at the base of the bed to retrieve an extra pillow and blankets. Feeling put out, he began spreading the blankets over the floor.
Reed sighed softly and rolled over.
"Trip, you don't have to sleep on the floor."
"Nice try, Malcolm," Tucker said, "but I'm not going anywhere. I promised Phlox that I'd look after you."
"That's not what I meant. After all, it's not like we haven't shared a bed before." Reed shifted to make room for Tucker on the bunk.
"Well?" He asked when Tucker hesitated. "What are you waiting for? An engraved invitation?" Tucker sighed and joined Reed on the narrow bed. He stiffened slightly as their bodies touched.
"I won't bite." Reed said.
"I'm not so sure about that." Tucker said, only half joking. "You're mad at me, remember?"
"Yes, well, I think I'm starting to forgive you." Reed said grudgingly.
"You are?" Tucker asked in surprise.
"Yes."
"Why?"
"I'm not sure, exactly. Maybe because I care about you too. Despite my better judgment."
"Really?" Tucker asked. Reed sighed.
"Really. Now shut up and turn out the lights. I'm tired."
_____________________________________
A hand shook his shoulder insistently. Reed groaned and wished that whoever it was would go away.
"What?" He growled.
"Come on." Tucker said. "Wake up."
"What is it?" Reed asked as he pried his eyes open. The room was dark. "Are we under attack again?"
"Tell me your name."
"What? You know my name." Reed said in annoyance. "If this is some kind of joke, I swear that I'll..."
"No joke." Tucker said. "You hit your head, remember?"
"How could I forget?" Reed said with a scowl.
"Well, you know the drill. I need to know if you're still oriented. So tell me your name."
"Malcolm."
"Your full name." Tucker insisted. Reed rolled his eyes in the dark.
"Malcolm Stuart Reed."
"And mine?"
"You are Charles Edward Tucker the Third, also known as Trip, the most annoying man in the universe."
"Close enough, I guess." Tucker said. "Do you know where you are?"
"Well, I assume that we're still in my quarters on board Enterprise, although I can't be entirely sure since it's pitch black in here. May I go back to sleep now?"
"Not just yet. Do you remember what you told me before we went to sleep?"
"I believe I told you to shut up."
"No, before that." There was a long silence in the darkness. "Malcolm?"
"I told you that I still care about you. Although I'm reconsidering that statement at the moment." Reed felt Tucker recoil from him slightly. "I didn't mean that." He said quickly.
"Yeah." Tucker said, not sounding very convinced.
"Trip..."
"Go back to sleep, Malcolm." Tucker said as he lay back down on the bed and turned his back to Reed. Reed sat up and brought up the lights a little. He touched Tucker on the shoulder.
"Trip, please look at me." Tucker sighed and rolled over. "I didn't mean it." Reed said. "I'm sorry."
"Yeah. Me too." Tucker said.
"I know I haven't handled this very well."
"Malcolm..." Reed held up a hand to halt Tucker's words.
"No, let me say this. I was wrong to shut you out. I was hurt and frightened and I didn't know what else to do. I still don't, not really, and that scares me too. I'm not very brave when it comes to my personal life."
"Yeah. I kind of gathered that." Tucker said.
"I don't know if I can really change that. I've never been very good at maintaining relationships. I don't know how. I don't even know how successful relationships are supposed to work."
"Oh, Malcolm." Tucker said sadly. "We've been together for over a year now, don't you consider that successful?"
"But I keep fucking things up." Reed said miserably. "I don't know how to be the person you want me to be."
"I don't want you to be someone else." Tucker reached out and cupped Reed's face in his hand. "You say you don't know how to maintain a relationship, but I think part of you does know. It has to go both ways. We both have to make an effort to keep it alive." Tucker stroked his thumb gently over Reed's cheek before continuing.
"You know, my mama once told me that being in a relationship was like playing a duet. Both partners have to play their part. If they don't then the sound isn't right because too many of the notes are missin'. I feel like every time you're mad at me you just stop playing and walk away. It can't be like that. But I think maybe you're already starting to figure that out. You came after me that night. And you didn't walk out that door earlier." Tucker smiled faintly. "And you let me sleep in the bed."
"I wanted you here with me." Reed said softly. "I want you in my life, even if we do drive each other insane."
"I want to make this work too, Malcolm. I know I hurt you. And I'm real sorry for that. I can't promise that I'll never make another mistake or that I won't hurt you again somehow, but I can promise you that I won't make that particular mistake again."
"Trip," Reed said soberly, looking Tucker in the eye "you do know that I'm not asking for special treatment? If you think I deserve to be disciplined on a professional level, then you have the responsibility to do so. I just don't want you to harm me professionally because you're mad at me personally."
"I understand. Hell, if you want, I'll always make sure to run any official complaints about you by T'Pol first, just in case. Or maybe we can put together some kind of committee to review..." Reed's lips closed over his, gently cutting off the flow of words. Tucker put his arms around Reed as the kiss broke off, not wanting to loose the physical connection between them. Reed sighed and burrowed into the embrace.
"Trip?"
"Yeah?"
"Why do we always end up having these discussions when we're both completely knackered?"
"I don't know. It's starting to become a bad habit though, isn't it?"
"Do you think the next time we're upset with each other we could try to talk it out rationally instead of going through all of this?"
"I don't know." Tucker said with a sigh. "We're not so good at doing that, or haven't you noticed?"
"Well, then, I suppose we could always simply go for a knock down, drag out screaming fight in the middle of the mess hall instead. It would give the crew something to talk about."
"The mess hall, huh?" Tucker said, a small smile pulling at his lips. "The Capt'n might have something to say about that."
"In your quarters, then, if you prefer."
"I prefer not fightin' with you at all." Tucker said. "But just because we fight doesn't mean that we can't make this work." Reed pulled back from their embrace to look at Tucker.
"Do you really think so?" He asked anxiously.
"Yeah. Yeah, I do."
"Even though I'm not very good at playing my part?"
"Even so, Darlin'. After all it's not like I haven't dropped my share of notes too. But we're learning and that's what matters, isn't it?"
"Sometimes good things take a little work?"
"Yeah. Something like that. So are we gonna give this another try?"
"I suppose you might just be worth the risk, Mr. Tucker." Reed said. "Besides," he added with a sudden grin, "I'd very much like to prove my father wrong."
"Huh? What does your daddy have to do with us?"
"Never mind." Reed said leaning forward to kiss Tucker. "We have far better things to do than talk about him."
~the end~