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When Zane was six years old, his family’s small 645 square feet flat was his whole world. Two and a half rooms, a small kitchenette and a bathroom you could barely turn around in was all he knew for these first years of his life.
Zane wouldn’t say his parents were bad parents. He understood that it was difficult to earn money and spend time with him at the same time. All his basic needs were met: a home, food, clothes. His mom did her best to juggle both him and her job, taking on morning shifts when she could, cooking and handling the house work while looking after him afterwards. His dad went to work in the evening, but Zane didn’t really remember seeing him much before that, either.
Sometimes, his world expanded to Otis’ world. He both liked and disliked those days at the same time. He’d travel from his orbit to Otis’ when Zane’s dad worked his official job as a bartender and his mom couldn’t get an early shift at the hospital.
Zane liked spending time with Otis because Otis didn’t make much noise and he was a soft and warm presence beside him. Steady. Grounding. Consistent. They could be quiet together and not be alone at the same time.
Zane didn’t like Otis’ world much because there was always too much going on. Too many kids running around - not only Otis’ own four siblings but completely strange kids as well. Zane only learned later on that Otis’ mom was a family child care provider. That’s why there were always different kids mixed in with familiar faces. But it didn’t matter who it was, either way. Each one of them was curious and loud.
Most of the time when they talked to him, they asked questions and wanted to know things about him, but Zane didn’t like to share stuff about himself. He didn’t have a favorite color, because he didn’t even know if he had already seen them all. He didn’t have a favorite dinosaur because he didn’t know their names. He didn’t know why he didn’t have a sibling. Zane didn’t like to answer questions he didn’t have an answer to. So, oftentimes, he just didn’t. He’d stare at the kids until they left to do more interesting things.
Afterwards, he would look at Otis’ picture books in their corner of the room and fill in his knowledge gaps little by little on his own while Otis napped on his shoulder. Next time they’d ask, he’d be prepared this way.
-
When his dad worked his unofficial job, Zane was allowed to stay in his world all alone.
There wasn’t all that much to do on his own. In the beginning, his dad always sat him down in front of the TV and said not to tell his mom anything. If he were to be asked, his father and him stayed home the whole day, watched TV together and did Zane’s school work.
The TV was on during homework, during lunch that consisted of untoasted toast with cheese; while he was drawing, and while he was staring out of the window as he waited for his parents’ return. His dad would always come back before his mom and leave for his official work once she showed up. Watching TV was better than complete silence but all the happy people and their fake laughs kept on slowly grating on Zane’s nerves.
Thanks to that, he discovered his dad’s CD collection while browsing the shelves and drawers out of boredom. He grew fascinated by the many different sounds and melodies quickly. Songs shared feelings and emotions and didn’t demand feedback, didn’t need answers. Music, for Zane, was meant to be felt internally, and he gladly kept those feelings all to himself.
Surprisingly, he didn’t grow tired of listening to the same CDs over and over again. He had always hated singing during music lessons in school, the overly simple songs were awkward to sing and nobody really committed to it. Zane found out he didn’t mind singing along to these old rock songs now.
-
By the time he turned 12, he was allowed to spend the evenings in the bar his dad worked at while his mother was in the hospital. He’d sit at the counter and do his homework or hang out with Otis and Rob, the son of his dad’s boss - who frequently called for meetings in the bar that did not exactly concern the establishment itself.
What he enjoyed most and what drew him to the bar time and time again were the live bands that played most evenings. Some were better than others, but the feeling of hearing the music played right in front of him mesmerized Zane every single time. More often than not, he’d listen from the counter; but for the good ones, the ones that made his heart pound, he’d pull up a chair in front of the raised stage and listen intently.
There was one band, a folk-rock band consisting of four guys in their 30s, that especially fascinated him. He’d sit there, front row, as tears simply ran down his face. He couldn’t avert his gaze from the artists on stage and his pulse raced from excitement.
After the performance, the lead singer-slash-guitarist came down to Zane personally to thank him with a wide grin on his face and a spark in his eyes. For once, Zane didn’t mind sharing his feelings, his awe for the music that reached him, and with every spilled word, the singer’s grin widened. He saw himself in Zane’s honest ardor, told him as much, and even spent the rest of the night teaching him how to play the guitar.
Even years later, Zane still remembered that night in full detail, could feel the broad, calloused hands of the man moving his hands on the guitar, felt his heart thump in his chest as he held the instrument in his lap for the first time. The band had come back a few more times for performances and each time, Zane was taught a bit more, greedily swallowing down any tips and advice he could get. And each time, the lead singer would say his goodbye while ruffling through Zane’s hair. That big, heavy hand would remain in his memory for other reasons than his obsession for music.
When they played at the bar for the last time with plans to relocate further to the east coast, Zane bid his farewell with a heavy heart. It was the first time he had actually felt connected to another human being and his tears were honest as he stood in front of the older man. Maybe it was that overt sadness that made the singer leave his acoustic guitar with Zane, along with words of encouragement that he’ll make it big; maybe it was the never leaving-smile on the man’s face that made Zane believe him.
-
It didn’t take much to convince Rob and Otis to form a band with him. He just had to tell Otis to pick up the guitar and he did. For Rob, it was enough that Lucía Mendéz from Rob and Otis’ grade gave Zane his first kiss at 13 after telling him how cool he looked with his guitar. Their school didn’t offer much, but the music room had a few instruments including a drum set. Rob insisted on learning the drums because “he was going to be even cooler than Zane and his emo-ass guitar.”
Zane didn’t mind and opted to learn the bass instead while teaching Otis all he knew about the guitar. He felt more excited about their band forming than Lucía’s kiss if he was being honest.
They still frequently hung out at the Southside bar, Scorpion’s Nest, playing darts and jamming during performance breaks. Sometimes, Zane would go on his own, too, when Otis and Rob were busy with family stuff. He didn’t mind that, he was fine with his own company. He’d do his own thing, reading or studying, while the usual noises of the patrons and live music acted as a backdrop to calm his ever running thoughts.
On a night like this, Zane was picked up by that day’s singer. She was a fairly young woman and beautiful at that, and compared to Zane’s fifteen years, her early twenties seemed mature and inviting to him. She had liked that Zane had paid attention to the whole set, tapping along to the beat and following her movements as she sauntered across the small stage. She hadn’t asked his age and he didn’t tell her either as he followed her back to the run down hotel not far from the bar. He didn’t think she noticed it was his first time and he didn’t think she’d mind or care either way. All in all, he didn’t feel like it was a bad experience. He had liked her warmth and soft skin even though her high pitched voice still resounded shrill in his head. He didn’t stay the night.
Later, lying in his own bed, he felt kind of numb inside. It had felt good enough, but he didn’t completely understand all the fuss. Her company had felt nice but… compared to that big, warm hand on his head years ago… It hadn’t warmed him up from the inside out. He curled up under his blanket and hugged his pillow to his chest, trying to hold on to himself.
-
Zane wasn’t a stranger to the sight of people making out and being all over each other. The dingy bar with its low lights and smoke hanging in the air just was that kind of place. His mother had often complained about him hanging around his dad’s workplace, but she couldn’t really stop him from going anyway. She was still too busy working.
The thing was, Zane liked people watching. He didn’t like interacting with them much, but seeing what they got up to, how they behaved around one another, was interesting to him. He analysed how they acted when they felt certain emotions towards their counterpart, how their expressions and voices changed, how their body language shifted. How the quiet people only ever watched and never made the first move.
Zane didn’t mind taking the initiative when he was sure about the intentions of the other party. That’s how he ended up in the supply closet with a dude more than twice his age not even a week after the hotel situation. He figured it would be better with those broad hands. He was around the same age as the singer back then, too, and the man had watched him silently for hours by then.
The kissing felt good. There was something about being hidden away from the world and their heavy breaths accumulating in this tight space that let Zane’s face grow hot. The man actually got to work on Zane’s pants first, shoving his hand inside his boxers and making quick work out of him. He tried to concentrate on the roughness of his skin and focused on the desperate pinch of the stranger’s eyebrows. He muffled his voice by biting down on his lip when he came into his hand.
He hadn’t liked the part that came after. As he processed the situation later that night, he decided it couldn’t be the hands that had made his chest feel warm back then afterall. Because the heavy hands on his head this time felt suffocating and crushing.
Still, Zane didn’t want to let that experience ruin sex for him. He figured they just hadn’t matched and the sinking feeling in his stomach would go away eventually, too. So, when a girl two grades above him asked him out, he didn’t hesitate to bring her home. And when that didn’t work out, he jerked off together with that cute quiet kid from the class next door. He tried dating, too, trying to make a connection. He wasn't stupid - after all these attempts, he knew it wasn’t just something physical he was chasing. He just couldn’t bring himself to actually care about those that confessed to him.
When a girl from a grade below him asked him out nervously, he hadn’t seen a reason to reject her. She was the shy and quiet type, and he hadn’t seen her for a week after the confession because truth be told, he had almost forgotten about her. When he reached out to her and invited her to chill at his home, she sat frozen still on his couch the whole time. She cried when he broke it off the next day.
On the complete opposite site of that spectrum, Kylie from his class didn’t leave him alone for even a second. She’d be all over him during breaks and after school. Even when he hung out with Otis and Rob, she'd plant herself in his lap and gossip about anyone and anything. They lasted longer only because she wasn’t opposed to physical contact. When they got caught making out in the living room by his mom, she hurried through the front door without a single word. Zane took that as his cue to end this month of suffocating.
All in all, it wasn’t really a bad time. He got good grades, they continuously improved with their respective instruments and he got a part-time job at the local music shop, too. His parents didn’t even say anything about him bringing home girls and boys alike. Once, he had heard his father brush off his mother’s concerns by saying:
“Eh, he’s just at that age. It’s the only time he can experiment before he’ll settle for a nice girl. Just let him be.”
Zane wasn’t so sure about that, but if it got him the leeway to do what he wanted, he couldn’t be bothered to correct his dad.
-
“You took the exam for Northside High?!”
Rob had barged into Otis’ bathroom where Zane currently sat on a stool without a shirt, getting his hair smeared with a grey paste that stung in their eyes.
“Yeah, and I passed. Yaaay.”
He lifted both his hands in mock cheer, trying not to disturb Otis as he worked from strand to strand.
If this had been a 90’s cartoon show, Zane was sure there would be steam coming out of Rob’s ears as he stomped the three steps to them.
“You can’t be serious. Don’t you have any Southside pride?! How can you just ditch us like this?”
He put both hands on Zane’s shoulders and actually shook him, making Otis stop the bleaching process.
Zane swatted at his hands so Otis could continue.
“I’m not ditching anyone. I’ll still live here, and you guys aren’t even in my grade anyway. I’m just getting that degree to keep my options open in the future. Who knows if I can rely on your lousy drums.”
He grinned up at Rob’s angry face, he just was too easy to tease. It also worked as a nice distraction from the issue at hand.
“My drums are perfectly fine, thank you very much. Ugh, I can’t believe you’re willingly exposing yourself to those stuck up bastards. What are you guys doing anyway? I can’t believe you dropped that bombshell of news alongside a text to buy you some shampoo.”
He tossed the plastic bag into Zane's lap and leaned against the sink, picking up the boxes of hair dye.
“Well, to show my “Southside pride”, I decided to dye my hair red. To not forget my roots or something.”
Rob grumbled to himself before he nodded approvingly.
“You know the girls at school are gonna weep when they get the news?”
“And the guys,” Otis added matter-of-factly while Rob pointed at him as if he had just proven his point.
Zane snorted and shrugged. His sexuality was an open secret at school by now, but it still stumped him how nobody ever made a big deal out of it. Sure, there were some homophobic assholes, but aside from snide remarks and forceful bumping in the hallways, people generally seemed accepting. He was neither bullied nor avoided and sometimes he wondered if that was because of who his and Rob’s dads were to the Southside.
-
The rift between the North- and the Southside had supposedly gotten smaller with the years, and as a testimony to that reconciliation, there was a fixed number of students who could get into the prestigious high school on the northern side of Tvill via an entrance exam. That the rich Northsiders could just buy their way in while the Southsiders had to study their asses off was just the city’s perfectly fitting irony. Zane couldn’t care less about those people, though. While they were all there for networking purposes only, the study courses were actually quite advanced and resulted in a renowned degree.
He hadn’t initially worried about changing schools. Walking through the gate in front of the tall building, however, he realised just how different his upbringing really was. He forcibly put on his couldn’t-care-less-attitude and tried not to let his uncertainty show as he walked to the assembly hall. Looking around, he got to people-watching right away. Aside from the clean cut uniforms, the hustle and bustle wasn’t all too different from Southside High. The students here were just teenagers, too, in the end. His grip on his backpack strap loosened as he put on a charming smile to fit in with the carefree crowd. First impressions mattered most, after all.
His first year went by fast and without much trouble. He hadn’t gone in with high hopes that the Northsiders would take to him the same way the Southsiders had, but actually, the students of Northside High seemed to be even more interested in Zane. He supposed it was the feeling of excitement for the unknown, to experience something foreign or even exotic while remaining in a safe setting. None of them were really interested in him but rather what he stood for. Zane didn’t care either way. He only wanted physical touch, it didn’t really matter who his partners were as long as he felt attracted to them. If he didn’t like them, there was no need for them to like him either.
Northside boys were generally even more closeted and desperate than Southside boys, though. Most of them were too scared to admit they were gay or bi, so they pretended to be just curious to try it with a guy once. Most of the time, it didn’t even stop at once. They always wanted to hide in empty classrooms or go to Zane’s home separately so as not to be exposed. Sometimes, Zane wondered if they were really worth the hassle because often, they weren’t even any good. He supposed there was something charming about the inexperience and unsureness, but the fake confidence of the other half got him annoyed quickly. It was best when the other person knew what they wanted and just had fun with it. Simple. Easy.
He hadn’t really grown close to anyone at school. At first, he thought he’d give the Northsiders a chance, but slowly, he found all his prejudices confirmed. The way they addressed him and talked about the Southside was always condescending, and most of the time they didn’t even notice it. It wasn’t like he had hoped to make a connection here in the first place, but the hollowness of the whole place still disappointed him in a way. He contented himself by thinking there were just three more years to go.
-
In his second year, he joined the theatre club to be in charge of the tech side of things. Sound, lighting, AV - Zane learnt it all. It was mostly for his own future plans, but the teacher was delighted there was someone who wanted to do backstage work instead of wanting to shine on stage for once. Zane, in turn, was delighted he didn’t really have to hang out with the theatre kids and got to learn about stage effects and sound design for live performances. Though he supposed it was the perfect hunting ground for him.
It wasn’t like Zane searched for love. He had kind of abandoned that desire along the way. But messing around was fun, gave him this sense of freedom, gave him the thrill of not only being wanted but also having the choice in who to pick and when to pick. There was always someone willing if he approached them and if he wasn’t in the mood he’d just deny them. There rarely was anyone clingy enough to sour his mood.
The club did take away time from band practice and shifts at his part-time job, but he managed to make it work somehow.
With their first paychecks put together, Otis, Rob and Zane bought an old discounted drum set from the music shop Zane worked at. He had bargained with his boss and talked at him so long he had conceded and agreed to their price. With the drums acquired, their band could finally practise outside of school times, too. And thanks to Rob’s dad’s influence, they could use an empty garage unit at the problematic trashyard, giving them a space to practise to their hearts content.
-
“You know, I think we should write our own music.”
Rob took his sweet time rolling up his sweatshirt sleeves even though they all knew he was just going to get rid of it completely in 10 minutes anyway. Zane stared at him with wide eyes.
“You can… read notes?”
He caught the drumstick that was thrown his way with a laugh as he continued strumming on his bass.
“Asshole! I just think - doing covers is nice and all, but if we seriously wanna make it, we need original stuff.”
Zane hummed and only flicked a glance at his bandmates when the silence held on for too long. With a pause, he realised what Rob actually meant to say.
“Whoa, whoa, whoa. I may be the lead singer, but that doesn’t mean I can write songs. Some instrumentals, maybe, but lyrics? I’ve got nothing to say. Nothing to tell the world.”
He sat up straight and stilled his hands, looking to Otis for support. His always tired eyes fixed his and told him they both knew that wasn’t entirely true. Zane averted his gaze, looking at the instrument in his hands instead. Safe. Undemanding.
“It doesn’t have to be anything serious, bro. We’re a teen band. Fun stuff’s allowed!”
“Ehhhhhhhhh. You do that then, Rob. You’re the fun guy.”
“I know I am. I’m not saying I won’t try but… Just… Ugh, okay, we all know you’re gonna be best at it Mr. Reads-a-lot, okay?”
Rob leaned forward on his thighs and crunched up his face at the admission. If it didn’t mean giving in, Zane would have teased him for the underhanded praise, but as it was, he just stared at one of his two best friends and kept silent. That strategy had somehow always worked for him.
“Geez, okay, I’m just saying… Just keep it in mind or something. Let’s get to practice for now.”
And so they did. Back to familiarity.
-
The big talk of that school year was the enrollment of the son of a state senator. Jonah Wilshire. Zane didn’t care about yet another rich kid joining this snobbish school, but it was impossible to avoid the gossip of all of his classmates. People were constantly scheming on how to get close to him, gush about his looks, or brag about how their parents were somehow close to his father.
Zane wasn’t curious but… He guessed just taking a look couldn’t hurt. So when he joined some of his classmates in the cafeteria during lunch and they immediately put their heads together when they spotted him, Zane chanced a glance in the direction of their attention. He hummed to himself as his eyes flit over blond hair, blue eyes, a slim figure.
He did agree, new kid was cute. But there also didn’t seem anything special about him whatsoever. Seemed like your typical rich kid, uniform put on dutifully with the blazer, cheerleader-type girlfriend with a high pony by his side. Fake smile plastered onto his face as he sat with the popular kids of his grade, eyes missing an interested spark even as he talked animatedly. Zane really wouldn’t kick him out of bed though.
From then on, he occasionally caught glimpses of him throughout the school year. His eyes couldn’t help but get stuck on his slender frame whenever he saw him. He was always surrounded by people, kids that even Zane knew belonged to wealthy families, and that fake smile of his never reached his eyes. Jonah Wilshire wasn’t quiet, but Zane could tell he didn’t mean any of the things he said. It was kind of intriguing to Zane how his demeanor changed depending on who he was with. He had a thing for analysing people after all.
They didn’t get to properly meet until Zane’s third year, though.
-
As the new school year started, Jonah seemed slightly… off to Zane. Suddenly, he was everywhere. He had ditched his stuck-up school blazer and weaved from group to group, building distance to the old-money-students from before. Every lunch break, he hung around different people, from his initial popular kids clique to the quiet artsy kids to the studious scholarship students. Sometimes, he even caught glimpses of him as Zane left the not-so-secret smoking spot behind the bleachers, though he wasn’t sure if Jonah smoked himself or just hung around those who did. He saw him climb out of a window on the ground floor more than once. And then, finally, he saw him during auditions for the spring play.
They were gonna do Romeo and Juliet this year. Prestigious school, prestigious plays or something like that. There were, as always, way too many contenders in this school so Zane had to sit for hours after school during audition periods. He hated it. Mostly, it was the same group of aspiring actors and actresses that auditioned anyway, so he wondered why the teacher-slash-director Ms. Flounder didn’t just pick them in advance. Maybe she did and the whole auditioning part was just a farce. When Jonah stepped onto the stage, unsure but with his usual compensating confident smile, Zane paid attention for the first time since the auditions had started two hours ago.
He did wonder briefly if he messed up and signed up for the wrong role. Romeo’s and Juliet’s auditions would be held tomorrow, after all. If Zane had to cast him in this godforsaken play at all, it for sure was going to be Romeo. He had the visuals down at least: young, innocent facial features, angelic blond hair, charming smile. But no, he introduced himself and doubled down on auditioning for the role of Mercutio. Zane dimmed the lights and shone a spotlight on Jonah who was getting ready for his Queen Mab speech, closing his eyes and taking one deep breath.
Zane liked his rendition. It was fun, and then tense, and then somewhat scary. Angry, at the end. Zane couldn’t help but feel like that was some of the real Jonah Wilshire shining through. It would have been fitting to end on his audition, Zane thought, because both he and Ms. Flounder knew that Jonah got the part. But alas, the farce had to be upheld.
-
Two weeks later, the final cast got together for the first time in the auditorium to get to know each other. Zane didn’t have to come to every single practice, but the first get-together was a given so the actresses and actors knew his face just in case. They were dispersed in the two front rows as well as on the stage in a very wonky circle as they introduced themselves one by one. Zane himself had waited this awkward bit out as long as he could and busied himself with checking the equipment in the tech room. Although he couldn’t hear them from up there, he was content to just watch them as they took turns, reading their body language and facial expressions. Many of them seemed confident, hips jutting out or feet propped up on seats as if they were right at home, but there were also the quiet types, hunched in on themselves and looking down a lot.
Jonah fit right in of course. He laughed along and nodded his head when others spoke, sitting sideways in his seat on the edge of the circle, his body facing the group openly. With his head resting in his palm, he could hide his face inconspicuously, but Zane could still see the little frowns from time to time. He didn’t know why he loved to observe the younger boy so much, he was just another Northsider after all, but something about him just didn’t make sense. Something that made Zane feel drawn to him, made him want to figure him out. Before it was the last student’s turn, he made his way downstairs so that he wasn’t the center of attention as he walked towards the stage.
“Ahh, how wonderful, Mr. Boose decided to show himself afterall. Zane is in charge of all things technical during showtime and dress rehearsals. He’s been doing it since last year but will leave us hanging next year, so if you have any acquaintances interested in taking over… Please send them his way.”
Zane grinned and stuffed his hands into his pockets, popping the p on his “‘sup!”
He let his eyes drift over the circle once before settling them on Jonah who was sitting directly across from him. Zane’s smile widened confidently as he saw his big eyes and faint blush, mentally taking note of his reaction. He was met with a round of hellos and stayed for talks about the schedule, but left ahead of the other kids. He had no plans to make friends with them this year, either, even though the theater kids weren’t all that bad. They were a mix of Northsiders and Southsiders actually getting along after all. But the less time he spent at school and the more he spent with his guitar or bass, the better. As he made his way to the back of the auditorium, he felt the skin on the back of his neck prickle hotly, making his lips curve up in a satisfied smirk.
-
Instrumentals had actually worked out quite nicely after that initial talk with Rob. They had a lot of fun while jamming and Zane was always eager to write down chord progressions and melodies and basslines afterwards. He still didn’t feel inspired to write any lyrics, but he also didn’t want to force it. Making music was supposed to be fun, not another chore. He didn’t have any hopes for Otis who seemed to barely muster up enough energy to come to practice, but maybe if he waited long enough, Rob would deliver… Something. Rob was on the complete opposite end of the spectrum compared to Otis. Whereas Otis was always lethargic and only did what he needed to, Rob was buzzing with energy and couldn’t focus on a singular thing. Zane kind of was the in-between, pushing them along but keeping Rob in check at the same time. They just worked that way.
Life moved on like that: band practice, hooking up with people, school, work, repeat. It was fine. Good, even. It was just… a little boring at times. When he lay awake at night in his childhood bedroom, with the same wall colors and window curtains he had always had, Zane couldn’t help but think that there was more out there. He had never planned on staying in little old Tvill in the first place of course, but recently, the days just seemed to blend into another, day after day after day. He longed for something exciting, for something to make his heart beat as quickly as it did the first time he got his hands on a guitar.
There had just been one thing that had piqued his interest more than usual lately. And so, he decided to show up to theater club before dress rehearsals even started.
The tech room was located in the back of the auditorium, a small room with a big window in front of his work station, looking over the seats and straight at the stage. While the auditorium itself usually wasn’t locked, the tech room with its expensive equipment was. At the beginning of last year, the school didn’t want Zane to keep the key on him even during rehearsal times. Thanks to Ms. Flounder and her desperation to keep him in the club, he only needed to hand it in during vacations in the end.
It was a nice place to take naps in during breaks or free periods, and it only became more alluring after the couch from the last school play got moved in there. Zane had just sat down on the soft black leather and untangled his headphones from his mp3 player when someone knocked on the door. He was startled for a moment. It was way too early for the theater kids to start coming in for practise and Ms. Flounder usually just barged right in. Still, he didn’t see a reason to get the door himself.
“...yeah?”
There was a pause before the door was opened hesitatingly and blond hair fell in through the gap. Jonah Wilshire’s face lit up visibly as his eyes found Zane sitting on the couch.
“Um, hi! Zane, right?”
He took a step further into the room and looked Zane right into his eyes, cheeks colored a faint pink. Zane leaned onto one arm and casually checked him out. It seemed as if Jonah was the type to make the first move, then. He wasn’t surprised, he probably was used to getting what he wanted. What would it be? Rebelling against his conservative father? Girlfriend not enough anymore? Just satisfying his curiosity? Zane wasn’t one to judge and despite his personal aversion towards most Northsiders, he didn’t mind helping out in that way.
“Yeah. Hi, Jonah.”
He said it with a cocky, inviting smile that froze on his face when the younger boy actually turned red and beamed at him.
“You know my name?!”
Zane was thrown for a loop and it made his usual casual charm falter.
“Uhh, yeah, I was here for your audition I guess?”
“Oh! Yes, of course you were…”
Jonah fidgeted with his long cardigan sleeves and looked to the side, seemingly embarrassed. That wasn’t really the reaction Zane had expected. Even if he hadn’t been there for the audition, he didn’t think there was anyone at school who didn’t know who Jonah was. His unawareness of his own social standing made Zane hesitate for a moment.
“Do you want to sit down with me?”
He pointed to the space next to him and started wrapping up his mp3 player again, stuffing it into his backpack. Jonah hurried to close the door and the small distance to the couch. The black leather dipped under his weight as he sat down straight, not really getting comfortable. Zane leaned back on the backrest and angled his body towards Jonah, putting one leg under the other. The blond seemed nervous, but he kept that smile glued onto his face, hiding his hands inside his sleeves.
“You’re here early. Practice doesn’t start for another hour or so.”
Zane trailed his profile with his eyes, resting his head on his hand. He felt the gears turning in Jonah’s head as he fidgeted with his hands in his lap. The older boy couldn’t really make sense of him. This sweet, shy behavior didn’t really match the confident attitude he assumed at other times. Was this just another act of his? Was he calculating that it’d land better with Zane?
“I, um, got a free period. Usually, I’d spend it with my friend Milly, but since theater club started,” he sucked in a breath, “I’ve been coming in here early the last three weeks and waited backstage or something. It’s the first time the lights were on in the tech room.”
Jonah flicked a gaze towards Zane at the last sentence, the tip of his ears still red. So he had been looking for him ever since introductions. Zane smiled at him and decided to just roll with it, see where this whole thing went. He didn’t mind a little foreplay before hooking up.
“Well, you’re welcome to spend it here if you want. Won’t your girlfriend get lonely, though?”
Jonah finally relaxed a little and rested his head against the back of the couch, looking up at Zane. “I don’t have a girlfriend.”
-
Spending time together turned out to be actually kind of fun.
They met up regularly after that first time, without really coordinating it. When Jonah arrived first, he’d wait slouching against the tech room wall, playing games on his phone, and he’d beam excitedly at Zane when he showed up every single time like he couldn’t believe he was actually there. Sometimes, Zane would stay longer or Jonah would come visit him during breaks. He hadn’t expected to enjoy Jonah’s platonic company. It wasn’t like he was just always out for sex, but he hadn’t thought that conversations with your typical Northsider could be… nice.
And Jonah was a typical Northsider, through and through. Rich, spoiled, privileged. Didn’t have to work a day in his life, threw money around like it was nothing and was used to others doing the work for him. But he was also kind, witty and honest. He was naive in his sheltered worldview, but Zane somehow didn’t mind as much, especially because they only talked about unimportant stuff concerning North- and Southside. Zane wasn’t one to talk about the unfairness of the Southside’s treatment usually anyway, especially with Northsiders. It also wasn’t his job to educate others on the situation either, so what if he simply decided to ignore Jonah’s idealised view of the city?
“I still think a collaboration with Southside High to perform ‘Westside Story’ is such a good idea. You’d have to star as Tony, though. Since you belong to the North now.” Jonah giggled and rested his chin on his pulled up knees.
“‘Westside Story’ right after ‘Romeo & Juliet? Not very creative.” Zane stretched out his leg on the couch so he was almost touching Jonah’s side. “Who would you play then? My Riff?”
Jonah’s eyes sparkled as he stared at the redhead next to him, an expression Zane had come to see often ever since they started hanging out. Now it was weirder to see that lifeless look return to his face when they left their little shared space, even though Zane had been so used to seeing it for months before.
“Well I don’t think I’ll join another stage play after this one. I thought the acting part would be more fun but it’s… a little more taxing than I thought it would be”, he got that forlorn look in his eyes he sometimes got when they talked about his personal life, before he quickly exchanged it for another smile. “Though I would be tempted to be up on stage with you!”
Zane smiled at him and let him drop the topic. He wasn’t one to press on if somebody didn’t want to talk about something. It’s not like he wasn’t interested, but he believed the other person would open up on their own if they really wanted to. Treat others how you would like to be treated or something along those lines.
“Funny you cast me as Tony. When you auditioned, I thought you had signed up for the wrong role for sure. Not that I don’t like your Mercutio, but visually, you’re perfect for Romeo.”
He watched as Jonah chuckled to himself and averted his gaze from him to look out the window to the stage. His eyes lost their focus again and his hands stilled on his knees. Zane couldn’t stop just watching his every movement, followed his hand that tucked his hair behind his ear, saw his long lashes fan out on his cheek with every blink. The blond made something brew in the pit of his stomach, made his fingertips prickle with want. He wet his lips before Jonah answered him slowly.
“I… I actually like Romeo. He’s a hopeless romantic and loves passionately. I do see myself in that.” He giggled and unconsciously led his fingertips to his lips, “But Romeo has to kiss Juliet, doesn’t he? It’s essential for the play.”
Zane waited out the moment, expecting more of an explanation, but Jonah stayed quiet until Ms. Flounder sauntered into the auditorium, leading the slowly arriving actresses and actors to the stage. Jonah smiled a goodbye at him and left him to his own thoughts. What did that even mean? He didn’t want to kiss Juliet? Because of nerves? Because he didn’t like physical intimacy? Because… Juliet is a girl?
And why did Zane want to know so badly?
-
Honestly, Zane was at a bit of a loss. This uncertainty surrounding Jonah and him and their relationship left him feeling agitated. He wasn’t sure what Jonah wanted - sometimes he was sure Jonah liked him, when he watched him with big eyes and rosy cheeks, or whenever he flinched when they touched by accident. But at the same time, Zane thought he was simply being genuine in his kindness and curiosity and then he’d go and shut down Zane’s more flirtatious attempts with pure obliviousness and he was back to square one. He couldn’t wrap his head around Jonah even though he usually was so good at reading people and it bothered him to no end.
He’s had girls playing hard to get with him before and that had only made him want to not get with them at all. He didn’t like playing around or being manipulated, but it didn’t feel like that was what Jonah was doing. If anything he just seemed… honestly interested in Zane and his life. He’d asked him about his band and friends, about his family, and what he liked to do in his free time, had even taken interest in the tech work Zane did for theater club. And even though Zane wasn’t even sure anymore what he himself wanted out of this connection, which perhaps was the weirdest and most vexing part of it all, he could admit that it felt nice. To be the center of attention for Jonah. To have someone take an honest interest in him, no ulterior motive as far as be could tell.
It was infuriating. He knew he was eager to get his hands on Jonah. It wasn’t just a friendship like with Rob or Otis. His thoughts went around in circles, trying to make sense of the two of them and justifying his passiveness. Why didn’t he just give in to this desire like he always did? Was he just enjoying the will-they, won’t-they phase he’d usually skip altogether? Did he simply miss the moment to lead them somewhere more physical and he didn’t know how to do it without it feeling off now?
Or maybe… maybe he didn’t want to fuck this new friendship up?
“Helloooo? Earth to Zane? Did the hair dye finally sizzle your brain?”
He blinked as a hand violently waved about right in front of his eyes.
They were playing darts at the Scorpion’s Nest and by the looks of it, it was Zane’s turn. He swatted Rob’s hand away and took a sip of his beer bottle, courtesy of his dad. He took over Otis’ spot in front of the board and managed to hit it at least, even though his mind was still far away from the moment. Rob’s gleeful laughter probably meant it was a bad throw but Zane couldn’t be bothered to count the points right now.
“Are we heading to the Sling tonight? Romero’s on bouncer duty.” Rob’s tongue poked out as he threw and missed his first dart.
“Ugh, no way. It’s on the other side of the fucking city. Also, the music’s shit and it’s full of trash Northsiders.”
“That’d make a good band name” Otis interjected, taking a bite out of his soft pretzel.
Rob’s eyes lit up as if it was still Christmas. “Southside Trash!”
“For no sarcasm in the world are we gonna put ourselves down with our band name in the words of the Northsiders.” Although Zane had to admit, it had a nice ring to it. The other two went back and forth coming up with ridiculous names and all he could do was sigh. Fondly, but still. Sigh.
“Anyway, the South still doesn’t have a single club to dance, which I’ve been telling you is a major gap in the market, so we have to make do with what is available. And we even know the bouncer today! It’s like fate! We have to go! Pleaaaaaase?”
Zane rolled his eyes - more so at himself because he knew he’d cave. He liked moving in the big crowds and maybe it was a good idea to get distracted from his own thoughts. To get back to what he knew best.
“I'll drive and get you afterwards if I don't have to go.”
“Damn you, Otis!” Rob scowled but couldn’t hide his temptation. “Fine, okay, thank you! Ughh, you sneaky little…”
“Traitor”, Zane whispered and elbowed Otis’ side, receiving a nonchalant peace sign in return.
They proceeded to pregame with the cheap beer at the bar, making good use of Zane’s dad’s shift before heading across the river to Northside territory.
-
As expected, the music was shit.
It was music you couldn’t really dance to and the DJ’s transitions sucked. He tried to enjoy himself, really, but he hadn’t even seen Rob since they had entered the remodeled warehouse and the alcohol in his blood couldn’t compensate for the bright lights and small crowd in the club. Even though he talked smack about the Sling before, it usually was better than this. Before his mood soured completely, he took off to the lounges and threw himself on a couch, planning to look for someone to spend the time with at least.
He hadn’t stopped hooking up with people per se but he definitely had less free time to fool around now that he had even more after school commitments. To most Northside High students’ surprise, Zane did not in fact go around picking up people everyday because he couldn’t keep it in his pants. He just wasn’t shy with his sexuality either. And on nights out, he was almost always guaranteed a success in hooking up.
It turned out that Zane didn’t have to go look at all. Just a few minutes after he sat down, a weight fell onto his lap in the form of Juliet. Except that wasn’t her name, right…? Zane tried to remember as she got comfortable and slung her arms around his neck.
“Well, what a warm welcome,“ he started, resting his hands comfortably on her waist.
“It’s Angela, Zane, geez.” Despite her words, she smiled at him seductively, “Maybe you’d know if you didn’t just come to practice to lock yourself in with Jonah!”
She giggled and drew closer, but Zane could see her real attention lay somewhere to the side. A jealousy ploy, huh. Zane wasn’t above playing his part. He didn’t deem her jab worthy of a response, but moved his hand to the small of her back instead, pressing her closer to himself. She allowed it, pressing her chest against him and closed the distance between their mouths. Despite her not being into him she sure enjoyed the kissing. It’s how Zane liked it best, too, though, when both parties were straightforward about what they wanted and took pleasure in.
His hands got lost in her silky, dirty blond hair and he briefly saw flashes of an even lighter, more golden blond in front of his eyes. Hers was longer, if not by much, it was barely reaching her collar bones, and he imagined it’d feel similar to bunch up Jonah’s hair by the nape. Angela tilted her head to the side to give him access to the side of her neck when his lips slid over her soft skin. His fingers trailed the hem of her flowy shirt and her sleeve dropped slightly, showing off her bare shoulder. He thought of rosy skin and bit into it, trying to mentally stay with the girl in front of him but not really succeeding.
She breathed a content sigh and leaned away from him as his fingertips peeked under her skirt the tiniest bit. A triumphant smile played on her lips as she moved to whisper a placating offer into Zane’s ear.
They weren’t quite the pink lips he was dreaming of as of recently, but they definitely did the job as they moved expertly around him.
-
It only took three attempts to reach Otis who had already fallen asleep. Maybe he’d have felt bad about it if sleeping wasn’t his biggest and most practised hobby.
In the half hour that Otis needed to get to the Sling, he finally managed to find Rob who was hanging out outside, stoned and sleepy, staring into the cold February night sky and grabbing for the tiny stars. At least he went with him willingly, fake promises of McDonald’s milkshakes leading him all the way to the backseat of Otis’ old but reliable car. Zane got in the front and buckled up with a sigh. The smile that formed on his oldest friend’s face told him he was way too glad he hadn’t been part of this little outing.
“It wasn't terrible, you know? Maybe if you came along for once I wouldn’t have to spend the whole night dancing alone!” Zane wasn’t really angry, but he didn’t like feeling like he made the wrong decision.
“I doubt you were alone when you didn’t want to be.” Otis replied calmly and huffed a laugh as he turned into the street that’d lead them straight through Tvill and to the bridge to the Southside. “Crash at yours?”
Zane mumbled an affirmation and leaned his head against the cool glass. Of course he’d find company if he wanted to but that wasn’t… what they had planned when they decided to go out together. Maybe it was weird but sometimes he just wanted to have fun with his friends rather than hook up. Rob would kill him if he said that out loud, though, would cry about Zane being too spoiled with the freedom to choose. He closed his eyes and asked Otis what he’d been up to, what his siblings were doing. Even though the brunette wasn’t much of a talker usually, he obliged, speaking in a slow, low voice. It made the thoughts tumbling inside Zane’s head calmer.
Whenever they had sleepovers, they’d do it at Zane’s place. There wasn’t much space, but more so than in Rob’s trailer park home or Otis’ family home that housed seven people already. They’d dropped Rob on the plush carpet in the living room while Otis got the couch. He’d complain in the morning as always, but Zane had to go to work early anyways, so there wasn’t much time between him getting up and getting thrown out onto the streets.
After he had finished up in the bathroom and pulled his sleep shirt over his head, Zane felt the exhaustion deep in his bones. Usually, nights out left him feeling more alive for at least the night, but this time - there was no ecstasy, no excitement, no leftover warmth. He stared at the ceiling until his eyes forcibly shut closed.
-
Zane would have counted Friday night as a nice enough encounter if Angela hadn’t decided her little scheme wasn’t over yet.
It was the first week of March, and so there wasn’t much time left until the spring play performance. The art club worked tirelessly on stage props and scenery, dress fittings were in full progress and with that, mandatory dress rehearsals started for Zane as well once a week on Thursdays.
Jonah and him had met up Monday before practice as usual, and nothing had seemed out of the ordinary. They had talked about their weekends and Zane found himself honestly interested in what the other had to say, even if it was just mundane talk about a quiet weekend spent at his home. Apparently, they had both stayed up a bit too late the night before and they grew quieter slowly as they both rested their heads against the backrest of their couch.
It hadn’t yet been thirty minutes when the door to the tech room swung open. Angela waltzed in, leaving the door ajar and throwing a quick glance behind her at the other students slowly trickling in the auditorium. It wasn’t rare that others came in earlier as well, but they had never bothered Zane before. He grimaced at the sudden commotion and lazily turned his head towards the nuisance. Jonah next to him had sat up straight and forced another fake smile onto his face.
“Sorry for waking you, guys, didn’t want to disturb your bliss!” She snickered gleefully which didn’t support her words at all.
“Hi, Angela! Don’t worry about it, it’s about time anyway…” Jonah glanced at Zane nervously and leaned further away without making it too obvious.
Zane, in turn, grew more annoyed at the interruption instead. He didn’t even bother to greet her which didn’t seem to deter her at all. She headed over to them, forcing herself into the small space between them, and turned her full body towards Zane, essentially shutting Jonah out. Even more irritatingly, she kept on talking about her weekend and classes, not even giving them a single chance to get a word in, until Ms. Flounder arrived and officially started practice.
Jonah was visibly uncomfortable and practically ran at the chance to escape the situation, looking back at Zane briefly before leaving their space behind. Zane didn’t like it one bit.
-
It left a sour taste in his mouth.
Of course he knew that Jonah wasn’t out. If there even was a closet for him to get out of. Hell, for all he knew he could just be a homophobe - but would he even hang out with Zane then? The rumours at school weren’t exactly secret or kind about him. All he knew was that Jonah didn’t want to be seen close with Zane and that kind of hurt.
He didn’t stay that day and he didn’t return until he had to on Thursday for the first dress rehearsal. Zane had debated the whole day whether to go early as usual or to only show up on time. He did want to meet Jonah, he liked spending time with him, talking or just resting, and he had to pass lunch time anyway. But what if… What if he was the only one who thought this way? What if Jonah wasn’t there, especially since Zane didn’t go at all on Tuesday or Wednesday, didn’t stay for him on Monday? He was too scared to find out. It was better, easier, to just assume he’d be there, waiting for him in vain.
It was that last thought that made him head to the tech room early after all, lunch for two in his hands. Even worse than Jonah not being there was the image of the blond waiting outside the locked door, waiting and hoping and Zane never showing up for him.
He saw his small figure the instant he entered the auditorium. Zane felt his heart thump back to life as he took a moment to stare at Jonah, sitting in front of the tech room with his legs pulled towards his chest and arms slung around them, hiding his face in them. He looked up as Zane came closer, the paper bag rustling as he moved, and he practically jumped to his feet, excitement radiating off of him. Jonah moved to talk but hesitated before actually getting a word out. His eyes flitted from Zane to the floor and he seemed adorably overwhelmed. Zane held up the bags.
“I brought lunch?” He nodded towards the tech room and went to unlock the door after waiting for Jonah’s relieved agreement.
He didn’t want it to be weird between them. In fact, nothing had truly happened, right? It wasn’t something they had to address. What would that conversation sound like anyway? Sorry I didn’t want to be seen with you - Oh no worries, it just hurt my feelings even though we’re not together or anything. That was a whole other topic Zane definitely did not want to get into. If possible, ever. So he did what he always did when he didn’t want to do something: he avoided it altogether and hoped the problem would vanish into thin air or take care of itself.
“I got either turkey, cheddar, and bacon or ham and cheese. Your choice.”
Zane started unpacking on the floor, ripping open the bags to place the two flatbread sandwiches on. Jonah followed suit curiously, checking out the still warm goods as well as the Munchkins and the two steaming cups between them.
“Is this your go-to order then?” The blond sat down next to Zane, their backs leaning against the couch, and picked up the ham and cheese sandwich.
The other shrugged and took a sip of his coffee, warming his fingers on the thin paper cup. “I’m not picky about my food, I guess. Anything warm and cheesy is good, no?”
Jonah smiled in turn and hummed his agreement, cautiously picking up his cup. The redhead watched in satisfaction as the younger boy’s face changed from apprehensive to resolute to pleasantly surprised.
“But… Yours is coffee, right?”
“Yeah. I didn’t peg you for the bitter type, so I got you something sweeter. I considered a Coolatta but this weather calls for a warm drink. Did I get it right?” A smile played on Zane’s lips as he finished his own sandwich.
Jonah’s cheeks turned their usual pink and a tender look filled his eyes.
“It’s not even that cold,” he chuckled, “I do prefer this, thank you. You probably drink yours black, huh? The only way I can stand coffee is when it doesn’t even taste like coffee at all anymore, like the super sweet stuff from Starbucks. You can laugh, it’s okay.”
Zane indeed found himself chuckling, even though it really didn’t come as a surprise to him. He’d usually make fun of people like that, but somehow, it was endearing to him in Jonah’s case.
“Uh, it’s fucking freezing?” He held up his cup with both, admittedly very cold looking hands and watched Jonah pop a donut hole into his mouth while shaking his head in amusement. “You wanna see for yourself…?”
Zane held up one of his hands between them, sheepishly looking at Jonah. He, in turn, looked at the hand with widened eyes before slowly reaching out with his own, bringing their fingertips together. There was a considerable difference in both size and warmth and Zane couldn’t deny his apparent bad blood circulation. Jonah’s hand was soft and smooth and he had to strongly fight the urge to interlace their fingers. Without him noticing it, he had held his breath and only when the blond moved his hand away to tuck his hair behind his ear, he could let it out again.
“Anyway, I feel like I’d fall asleep up here alone if I didn’t caffeinate properly.” Zane tried to return to normal conversation as he cleared his throat and emptied his coffee.
The blond nodded emphatically, licking his lips before replying.
“Yeah, I feel that. Sometimes I wish I could get that kick. I tried energy drinks, but I don’t really like the taste of Red Bull either. Lessons after lunch break are tough.” He paused and took a quick sip from his hot chocolate. “I’ll come and keep you company when I can today.”
Busying himself with another Munchkin, he avoided looking at Zane, which suited the redhead just fine or else he would have caught the fond expression on his face.
He hadn’t quite felt like this before. The warmth in his chest felt familiar to what he had been chasing all those years before but the excitement that accompanied it was different. Although it was a pleasant sensation, it also scared him. Why now? Why him? It made his skin tingle, he wanted to reach out and satisfy his heart, and yet he didn’t dare to take the plunge. That fear, that cowardice was so foreign to him he didn’t know what to do with himself at all. Instead, he simply balled up the empty paper bag with more force than needed and watched Jonah leave for the stage with a happy spring in his step when the time came.
-
Zane busied himself with reading the script and marking his cues while the actors and actresses got ready for rehearsal. They were only gonna practise key scenes today, not the whole play, so he had to coordinate with Ms. Flounder which scenes to prepare for. Because of all of that, he saw Jonah in costume only when it was his time on stage, entering with Romeo and Benvolio, extras to Zane’s own mind. The dark blue jacket made his eyes pop even from a distance and they put his hair back with a silky black bow tied at his nape. He looked so good, Zane almost missed his cue to shine the spotlight on them.
He was transfixed by the sight of him, watching his expression change with every sentence, absolutely stealing the stagelight from the other two actors. Zane felt excited, seeing him like this, cocky and wild, which was a stark contrast from his usual calculative, reserved or bubbly attitude. He wondered if he could be this fiery in private, too. The thought alone sent shivers down his spine.
True to his words, Jonah came upstairs as soon as they were finished and had gotten their feedback from Ms. Flounder. For the rest of practice, he’d mostly only act in the backdrop. He entered quietly and pulled up an extra chair to Zane’s tech booth. They waited until the lighting was set before taking their attention from the stage.
“Good job up there. The costume really suits you.”
Zane eyed the voluminous, deep cut linen shirt that hung low on Jonah’s small shoulders and bunched up beautifully on his slender wrists. He was reminded of a young Lestat, giving off the air of a sheltered noble turned vampire.
“Thank you! It was really fun. Ms. Flounder also praised me but she told me to drop the jacket next time…” His eyes sparkled even through his confusion.
Zane understood immediately, though. A weak attempt to make Romeo shine out more. It was a nice try, but Jonah would pull the audience’s attention either way. But he guessed it was fine since they didn’t have too many scenes together, the viewers would get to see and get familiar with the main leads throughout their parts. He dimmed the lights for the balcony scene and eyed Jonah from the side.
“You excited for opening night? It’s gonna be one hell of commotion when the senator shows up.”
The tension emanating from the other filled the room at once. There was a short but heavy pause before he spoke.
“I- he- He won't come. He doesn’t even know… He never would have condoned me doing theater. It isn't a debate club or stock market simulation after all…” He tried a weak chuckle but his eyes were unfocused as he stared past the stage before he seemingly pulled himself together and forced that ridiculous fake grin onto his face. “At least he’s too busy to know what I’m really up to!”
Zane’s immediate reaction was to put a hand over the younger boy’s face. This expression shouldn’t be directed at him. Jonah flushed under his touch and became flustered but didn’t move to pull his hand away. He didn’t know what to say. It was such a cliche that the poor rich boy had a bad relationship with his neglectful father, but… But it was also something Zane could relate to all too well. He couldn’t fault his parents for it, he could understand, but that didn’t change the fact that he had always felt this way, either. Lonely.
“You… Don’t act like this, with me.”
It was all he could get out before moving his hand away. He shut off the lights on the stage and turned the bright overhead lights back on instead.
He caught Jonah’s face as it distorted from surprise to a pained smile before he hid his face in his wide sleeves quickly. It was enough for now.
-
It had to be because their silence was quickly disturbed by Angela making her way up to the tech room. Zane sighed and mentally said goodbye to peace, clocking Jonah putting up his fronts as well.
She barged in without so much as a knock, completely undoing the amiable and well mannered illusion of her costume.
“Zane! How do I look?” She smiled confidently and twirled around once, holding the skirt up as she danced over to them.
Much like at the Sling, she fell sideways into his lap and moved her arm around his neck, sneaking glances out the window to the stage. Zane could only sigh, preparing to stand up and get away, but Angela once again beat him to it.
“Jonah, would you mind giving us some privacy?” Her voice was sickly sweet, throwing nothing more but a glance over her shoulder.
Jonah scrambled to get up, his face glowing red and his eyebrows pinched, while he muttered a flustered agreement. He didn’t spare a single look for Zane and gave up his space way too easily. It infuriated Zane more than he’d have thought. He stood up abruptly, grabbing Jonah by the wrist and effectively throwing Angela off of him. She didn’t fall but her stumble was a near thing.
“You don’t care what I want?”, he muttered quietly to Jonah before turning his head to Angela, “Just leave, I don’t want anything to do with you.”
His voice was firm but not cruel which didn’t mean the addressed person wouldn’t take it as such. She was still thrown off guard at first but scoffed at Zane’s dismissal, crossing her arms over her chest in self-defense.
“Oh? You didn’t mind last Friday.”
He felt Jonah tense up, slightly pulling his arm away from Zane’s grip. He let the younger boy go, leveling Angela with a cold glare. She took it as an invitation to double down on her words.
“And anyway, you don’t have to act like this. We all know you’re just trying to fuck-”
“Hey.” He interrupted her while slamming his hand on the table, caging her between his body and the equipment. His deadly eyes fixed hers and his voice was icy as he leaned so close to her she had to lean back.
“Just be as upfront with whoever down there as you were with me, and leave. us. the fuck. alone.”
He waited a moment for the weight of his words to sink in before moving back. Angela’s face drained of all color only for the blood to shoot right back in, painting her cheeks a heated red. She feigned ignorance and sputtered some indignant excuses before turning on her heels and rushing out the door. It was Zane’s turn to scoff as he fell back into his chair, hugging his arms to his body. He didn’t feel like inviting Jonah to do the same, was still mad about their safe haven being attacked and the other not even standing up for himself, much less defending Zane. He was still only standing there, unsure what to do with himself, keeping his distance from the redhead.
Maybe Angela’s words did more damage than he’d have thought. Maybe Jonah was afraid of him now, maybe even disgusted.
Zane was not ashamed, wouldn’t ever be about his sexuality, but. But he knew he did care about what Jonah thought of him.
He didn’t try to stop him when he was called back to the stage.
-
Zane didn’t pout.
He never did. Not as a child and surely not at 17 years old. He hadn’t pouted when his dad didn’t take him to the playground even when he said he would, he hadn’t pouted when Otis chose to play with another kid instead of staying with Zane and reading picture books. Pouting meant you wanted others to see and do something about it. And that was the last thing Zane wanted when he was hurt - because that meant acknowledging he was hurt in the first place.
So, he didn’t pout. But moping? Moping was his specialty if you were to ask Rob.
“Man, what is up with you? You’re being all broody and shit.”
They were currently getting food at this new Tex-Mex place that had opened up on the Southside. Zane pushed his Quesadilla around on his plate even though it was delicious. Compared to that, Rob’s Salsa smeared face was more of a testimony to the restaurant’s quality.
“He’s not getting laid.” Even Otis closed his eyes in pleasure after taking a bite from his Burrito.
Zane sighed deeply and didn’t even question how he came to that conclusion. Well, in a way, he was right but that wasn’t the reason he was being moody. He could get laid if he wanted to, thank you very much, but the thing was… He didn’t want to hook up.
He didn’t care for curious eyes watching him from across the cafeteria, he ignored lingering touches behind the bleachers while smoking. None of them even interested him. It was unusual for him to say the least and he didn’t know what to make out of it. Rob’s hysterical laughter pulled him out of his thoughts and he cringed at the food bits he spat everywhere.
“Oh my God, yeah! I heard this story from Tilda, I wish I could have been there! Get this Otis, Zane was being hit on by this burly jock dude in the middle of the fucking hallway? More balls from a Northsider than I’d have expected to be honest. And Zane, like, apparently just brushes him off. Dude grabs his wrist just to hurl some insane shit-”
“‘What’s a little faggot like you worth if he doesn’t even open his mouth to please?’” Zane supplied the phrase monotonously, exactly like he had to the principal afterwards.
“And Zane’s reply? Hilarious. ‘I wish I could say your little prepubescent rutting could be called pleasing in the first place’. How did you even come up with this so quickly? Even Tilda couldn’t help but laugh!” Rob finished the story through laughter and little hiccups throughout the quote and even Zane himself couldn’t help a satisfied smile. “Of course he got punched for that but I’d have loved to see the other guy’s face!”
His jaw still hurt but at least his split lip had partially closed up again. He hated people who couldn’t take no for an answer. They had hooked up a little some weeks before but that didn’t mean he was obliged to do it again, right? Zane hadn’t even gotten him head in the first place. He was very selective in that, and he’d mostly avoid the strong types. He sighed again and watched Otis’ smirk while he simply continued eating. Rob continued the conversation for the three on his own instead.
Zane hadn’t been to theater practice more than he needed to. Between teaching the first year that had actually shown up to learn about the tech setup and supervising the actual rehearsals, there wasn’t much space or time to talk it out with Jonah. He saw him around of course, in the auditorium but also around school, and Jonah was always watching him nervously, desperately. It felt like leaving an anxious puppy in the rain. But alas, Zane was moping. He didn’t feel like taking the first step again and he was still a little mad. So, he waited. They still had a week of rehearsals left before opening day after all.
He knew he wouldn’t stay mad when they actually got to talking. They were still - nothing, to be frank. All Zane’s desires to touch and taste aside, he still didn’t know where they really stood. He knew Jonah liked him, too, in a way. It just didn’t make any sense he hadn’t yet responded to Zane’s advances. Someone like Jonah surely had to understand the flirting. Although many like him also held on to their internalized homophobia like a life jacket. Usually, that was too much of a hassle for Zane to deal with, but this time he was willing to hear him out, eager to figure him out. Thus, he brooded over how to best approach the whole situation. It really wasn’t the not-getting-laid part. Though he wouldn’t mind getting his hands on one particular blond right now.
-
On Thursday, two days before the big day, Zane arrived early to the auditorium. To his surprise, the figure waiting at the tech room door wasn’t Jonah - but Angela instead. Maybe he couldn’t keep his face from distorting into the absolute aversion he was feeling but she took a step closer to him quickly and held out her hands as if that would stop him from leaving.
“Wait! I won’t cause any more trouble, I promise. I asked for like 5 minutes.” Her eyes seemed unusually sincere and Zane only lifted an eyebrow as he went to open the door.
Who did she ask the 5 minutes from?
As he put his backpack under the tech station, he could see who indeed. Looking out the window, he saw Jonah waiting patiently in one of the upper seats, resting his arms and chin on the backrest, watching the little room carefully. Zane huffed a laugh as he turned to acknowledge Angela. The sooner this was over, the better.
“Look, I just wanna say I’m sorry.” She still hesitated inside the door frame and looked at her feet before facing Zane head on. “You were right about everything. I took your advice and it worked out in the end - so thanks for that push. I… I didn’t know you two were serious or, like, I don’t know, like that. So, sorry for getting in the way. I won’t bother you any longer. I told Jonah as much, too.”
“We’re not like that. We’re not- We’re not anything.” Zane swallowed hard and caught Jonah’s eyes far, far away. He held onto his cardigan sleeve, felt the distressed material under his fingers, stitch by stitch tethering himself to the moment. “Still, I appreciate the honesty. No hard feelings.” He nodded towards her and for a moment, she seemed like she wanted to add something before deciding against it and leaving instead. He watched Jonah make his way up instantly and breathed out slowly.
He busied himself with turning on his equipment, the stage lights, and adjusting some units with no particular setting in mind. Even when he heard Jonah close the door, he hesitated to turn around. He felt uneasy all of a sudden, kind of nervous, even if he wasn’t sure what for. Stilling his hands, he waited for the younger boy to quietly get closer. Jonah stopped short of him and slowly reached out for his sleeve, looking unsurely through his thick lashes. The tension prickled on Zane’s skin as usual and his chest felt tight.
“I’m - sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t consider your feelings. I just. Angela, she’s pretty cute, right? I didn’t want to be in the way if you wanted to…” He trailed off and looked to the side. Zane knitted his brows and he felt irritated.
“‘You didn’t want to be in the way’?” Why not? He wanted to ask but couldn’t bring himself to.
“Well, yeah, I mean, you - you’re like. Free to choose? I didn’t want you to think that I couldn’t read the room, or want you to be annoyed at me. She also mentioned that Friday, and I thought, if you two were seeing each other, I didn’t want to take up your time if you would rather - hook up, or… “ His face grew a deep shade of red and his voice got quieter with every rambled word.
Zane let that sink in. He meant well so why did this feel like defeat? Hooking up with him seemed out of the question. He’d readily make way for someone else. He believed Zane would prioritize sex over his friendship. He probably thought Zane was easy - and he couldn’t even deny it. But despite all of this, Jonah didn’t let go of him. Zane felt his throat restrict and his thoughts raced a mile a minute. What was the best course of action? He reached for the blond’s hand and swallowed around the lump in his throat.
“I don’t care for Angela - or anyone else for that matter. I decide who I spend my time with. And I want you to do the same.” Jonah’s eyes widened and reluctantly, he nodded, tightening his grip for a tiny moment.
They stayed like this for a long moment, eyes locked on each other and not saying another word. This, too, felt foreign to Zane. He shouldn’t care what others thought about him, if others misunderstood him. Had it not always been this way? He let go before the hurt could show in his eyes and headed to the couch instead, giving himself a moment to collect himself. He knew that he was being unfair to Jonah. It wasn’t his fault he didn’t feel the same for Zane, whatever that was. Objectively, this was such a dumb fight because Zane, despite all his grand words, was too scared to tell Jonah the real reason why he was mad. Too scared to admit it to even himself.
“I’m sorry, too. I was mostly mad at Angela because she assumed she could just use me as she pleased. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you, too.” He was glad to see the helplessness vanish from Jonah’s face, even more relieved when the other joined him on their couch.
It was easier from then on, to slip into their comfortable, usual conversation. Quiet words and silent admissions, shared over their almost touching socked feet on the seat between them. Zane liked it like this. He just wanted a bit more, too.
-
Zane decided he’d had enough of this whole back and forth.
It wasn’t like him to keep overthinking things like these. He wanted to kiss Jonah, simple as that. All he needed was to know if Jonah wanted the same. If he didn’t - it would suck, but at least then he could stop these blossoming feelings right now before the uncertainty slowly drove him mad. He’d bring it up after the performance since he didn’t want to mess with Jonah’s head before then. He was determined to do it, but the hours before then made him unusually nervous.
The performance was to start at 4 pm but all people involved had to arrive two hours prior to that. Zane always found it to be excessive because most of the time was wasted by just sitting around anyway. He went for a quick trip to the corner store to keep himself busy and escape the hustle and bustle of theater kids in various stages of getting dressed. Sound check would only happen half an hour before curtain call and he had already checked the lights and setup in general, so he didn’t really feel bad about slacking off.
He hadn’t bothered to lock the tech room when he left, but the small, human shaped ball on the couch still surprised him when he came back. There hadn’t been time to see him up close all day which made him realise now that the sight of Jonah strangely gave him some peace of mind. He was already in costume, except for his open hair, and seemed to have dozed off leaning against the armrest. Quiet breaths left his slightly parted, pink lips and Zane had to wake him now before his resolve to wait would crumble embarrassingly fast. Jonah woke with a delicious, startled sound when Zane touched a cold can against his neck. That didn’t really help with the whole resolve thing, either.
“Uhh? Oh! Zane! Sorry I… Did I fall asleep?” He looked around and covered his neck in confusion.
“Pretty relaxed before your big performance. Here, take this.” Zane held out the energy drink he’d bought for the younger boy while taking a sip of his own iced coffee.
Jonah took the can sheepishly, brushing past Zane’s own fingers. “Yeah, I don’t know. I am nervous, I just stayed up way too late last night,” the small yawn that followed was an unpaid actor to underline his words, “so that’s actually perfect timing. Thank you!”
Of course Zane knew he was tired. He’d watched him move around sluggishly and yawn on multiple occasions just in the one hour they’d been here after all. He’d seen the peach flavored energy drink right next to his usual cans of coffee and thought of the blond immediately. “Might taste better than the usual Red Bull.” He smiled and knocked his knee against Jonah’s who lit up in turn while he opened the can.
“I bet it does. You know, peaches are my favorite fruit,” he punctuated it by taking a big gulp of the drink, and Zane swore his eyes actually sparkled when he put the can down again. “Holy shit, that tastes so good? I mean it’s obviously completely fake-tasting, but it’s so refreshing!”
Zane chuckled at the other’s excitement and filed the new information away. They talked some more about trivial things before Ms. Flounder called for the final sound check and warm-up exercises. Zane held onto Jonah’s wrist gently as he sent him off at the door.
“Break a leg. You’ll do great.”
Jonah’s smile in return was blinding, really.
-
And he really was - great, that is.
Zane guessed there had to be some truth in the saying bad dress rehearsal, good performance because yesterday’s last practice truly had been worrisome. From forgetting lines to running over stage props, they’d had it all. Today’s play went off without a hitch compared to that. Even Zane let out a sigh of relief as he watched the actors and actresses rejoice with their friends and families.
He followed Jonah with his eyes as he talked with the cast first and then stood off to the side as they mingled with the audience. He was bouncing on his feet as he looked around, ultimately landing on the tech room’s window. Zane leaned on his arm and gave him a thumbs-up as they locked eyes, making Jonah break out into another big grin. He made his way towards the back of the auditorium before he was intercepted by his excited not-cheerleader-not-girlfriend-either best friend. Zane didn’t mind the waiting, but he did have trouble trying to stop his heart from pounding faster in anticipation with every passing second.
When the door finally opened, he only had a moment to take in Jonah in his post-performance high. Rosy cheeks accentuated by carefully placed hair strands, puffy linen shirt revealing a pale decollete, high rise pants hugging his legs just right. His energy was still high, whether from acting or from the praise and applause afterwards, Zane didn’t know, and he flung himself around the taller boy’s neck as soon as he rushed through the door, cute giggles bubbling up, releasing the rest of the tension that came with performing in front of people.
Zane felt a little drunk himself as he caught the slender boy in his arms, steadying him as well as simply enjoying the weight against him. He had wanted to talk, to ask first, he really did, but when Jonah raised his head to look up at him after pressing it against his chest, with a genuine smile directed solely at him, he couldn’t hold back anymore. He moved in slowly but purposefully, lifting the blond’s head gently by his jaw. He could feel the other’s warmth, his breath against his skin and all he could hear was his own pulse throbbing in his ears.
Before their lips could finally connect, though, he felt a tentative hand against his chest, lightly pushing him away as Jonah lowered his head to escape his touch.
“Oh”
Zane ground to a halt instantly at the single syllable, his mind finally returning to him. The need to do damage control took over him immediately and he tried to calm the blood rushing through his veins. Play it cool, play it cool, play it cool.
“Oh, um. Sorry, just… a habit. I didn’t mean to…” He trailed off and took a step away from him, dropping his arms to his sides.
“No, it's fine. Sorry for jumping you like this…!” Jonah didn’t look up and his right hand still rested on Zane’s chest. The redhead prayed he couldn’t hear his heart beating.
He wanted to see his face, but at the same time he knew it would do him no good. If he regarded him with fear, or disgust, he wouldn’t know what to do. Instead, he ruffled through his hair and tried for nonchalance.
“You did a really good job out there. The audience loved you.” I think I do too, he caught himself thinking with a start.
Jonah thanked him quietly and awkwardly backed away from him. He still didn’t look at him as he invited him to the closing party and accepted Zane’s lame excuse of a refusal without putting up a fight. It seemed as if no attempt to lighten the mood and acting like everything was okay could bring Jonah back around, though, and Zane panickingly felt like he had majorly fucked up.
They parted ways like this, right before spring break, feeling uncertain and like shit.
-
Zane had rarely been rejected before.
He didn’t think of it as anything special or as a matter of course, but since he was good at reading people, he’d never tried anything when he wasn’t sure it would work out. At most, he’d had people not wanting to take things further and he had never really worried about it. Most importantly, there had never ever been any feelings involved. And he could admit it now - the reason why he was this upset was because he obviously had feelings for him. Needless to say, Jonah’s rejection hit him hard and he didn’t know how to deal with it.
“God, you're being sooo annoying right now. Yesterday, you only played depressive shit all day long at work and today you’re making the depressive shit yourself. We’re on fucking spring break, why the fuck are you so down???” The way he said it, there were definitely multiple question marks implied.
Zane leaned back against the garage wall and plucked some strings halfheartedly. He felt too weak to even talk back to Rob so all he could do was sigh. It was totally fine, he had simply realized he had developed feelings for someone for the first time in his life and those weren’t returned. No big deal, it happened to everyone. He slid down the wall and sighed even more dramatically.
“Bro, you’re acting like a lovestruck girl.” He felt both pairs of eyes on him and he looked back up at Rob, scrunching up his face helplessly. “Oh my God?”
Zane clutched his bass to his chest and kept his lips closed tightly. He didn’t really want to talk about it but he also didn’t know how to keep himself in check. So, he simply let Rob’s excessive laughter wash over him, waiting him out with his face hidden behind the neck of his instrument. He hadn’t had much hope in receiving help from his friends in the first place, but slowly he regretted meeting up with them at all. He should have just kept on wasting away alone at home. Stupid band practice. They still didn’t even have a name yet.
“You’re not helping,” he grumbled, side-eyeing Otis’ sneaky grin as well.
“Oh man, that’s too good. The Zane Boose has finally met his perfect match. What happened? Who is this mighty deity to have wrapped you of all people around their finger? What’s keeping you from making a move?” Rob had long since abandoned his drums and made his way over to Zane, plopping down opposite him and wiping away a left-over tear.
“Nothing,” Zane bit out, hanging his head in resignation, “I did and was rejected. It feels awful.”
He almost appreciated Rob’s attempt to keep down his glee but the way he patted his shoulder way too roughly sure made it hard for him.
“Haaah, so you’re already heartbroken. Man, that sucks for you, but you know us normal folk have to deal with that aaaall the time, right Otis?” He received a simple shaking of the head in return which didn’t deter him at all, “Right, and there’s only one real solution for a broken heart. Getting absolutely shit faced! And lucky for you, Tilda’s got the night shift today!”
Rob’s face lit up as he scrambled to his feet, pulling Zane up with him. They hadn’t ever seen him put his stuff away so fast, and they reluctantly followed his lead.
Well, blacking out for a bit didn’t sound too bad to Zane actually.
-
The little high pitched bell announced their arrival to Tilda who was reading a book behind the counter. She glanced up and furrowed her brows instantly at seeing her older brother, actually clicking her tongue at him as he sauntered over to the snack section immediately. Zane greeted her in passing as he went straight for the tonic water. He knew he could leave the rest to his friends, so he waited for them at the register.
“We’d like three bottles of vodka, too, if that’s okay?” He leaned onto the wooden surface and tried to look like his heart didn’t weigh a hundred pounds.
“Please, Tilda, Zane has to cure his first ever heartbreak!” Rob shouted through the whole, admittedly quite small, store. All Zane could do was heave another sigh and hold himself up with both arms. Tilda raised a single brow, but turned around to get the alcohol from behind the counter.
“Well, sorry I guess. I’ll sell it to you, but you do have to pay.”
“Yeah don’t worry, I’ll pay.”
As if summoned by Zane’s offer, Rob took this as his cue to unceremoniously dump a big assortment of snacks on the desk while opening a packet of Twizzlers he hadn’t yet paid for. Tilda grimaced but started ringing up the goods, starting with the heavy bottles and putting everything into bags.
“I can’t believe you’re finally one of us normies now. You gotta give us the name, bro!”
Otis had finally joined them at the counter and put their mixers with the rest of the stuff. He chose this very moment to place a peach flavored energy drink of all things right in front of Zane.
“Jonah,” he let slip unconsciously before he pushed the can towards Tilda whose hands had stilled for a second but continued to move as she scanned the new additions. To Rob and Otis, that meant nothing of course, besides being able to tease him even more now, but Tilda was bound to know him. Everybody that went to Northside High did after all.
“Wilshire? Well, that was a rough choice from the start then. I heard he’s been with his childhood friend forever. The girls in my class are always gushing about how he’s so committed, how not even our Queen Bee had a chance to get between them. They treat him quite princely.” Tilda stuck out her tongue in disgust while she finished ringing them up.
Amidst fake condolences (Rob) and a soothing hand patting his back (Otis), Zane tried to make sense out of it. His intuition told him that Jonah didn’t lie about that - he didn’t have a girlfriend, so why would they let people think they were in a relationship? Could it be a cover-up?
As he got into the backseat for a change, he remembered Jonah talking about auditions. Romeo has to kiss Juliet, doesn’t he?
He closed his eyes and breathed deliberately.
Maybe he simply didn’t like physical intimacy at all. Maybe he had flinched away every time not because he was shy but because he had hated it.
Maybe he had forced himself onto Jonah like some creep when he had finally felt comfortable enough to even touch him. Zane felt like banging his head against a wall but opened up the first bottle of vodka prematurely instead. He could hear a loud whoop from the front seat as he took his first swig.
-
The bottle looked considerably more empty when Otis pulled up in front of Zane’s apartment. Maybe that was the reason they followed Rob when he ran over to the little playground area in front of the building as soon as he had spotted it, even though it was still way too cold in Zane’s opinion. Otis had just shrugged and lifted the cups they had bought earlier out of one of the plastic bags. Staggering just a bit, Zane joined Rob on the swingset, trying his best not to fall over backwards while Otis set up station on one of the picnic benches and started to mix some drinks.
“Ain’t this the life?!” Rob stood on his swing and hollered, going faster and faster until he finally crouched down on the seat and giggled like a maniac. “Spring break, alcohol, being childish with your best friends!”
Zane watched him in bewilderment, the fast movement already made him dizzy and he wasn’t even on that swing himself. He accepted the cup handed to him by Otis and took a gulp, hoping the liquor would warm him up from the inside out. It also tasted way better than straight from the bottle. He already felt quite tipsy which maybe helped him feel sentimental, too, but he agreed - being surrounded by laughter and his friends wasn’t nearly half bad.
“I’m actually glad you’re not an emotionless robot you know.” Rob came to a halt to take his own cup, downing half of it as if he was dying of thirst. “Maybe you’ll finally write some songs. At least get something good out of feeling like shit.”
Zane sniffed absentmindedly as Rob got up to pour himself some more after emptying his drink. The blond lifted his hair at his nape, making Zane scrunch up his face and sigh, “...his hair is way more pretty. Want to card my fingers through.” He also went and refilled his cup, tugging at the dirty blond hair while passing by.
“Ouch, hey! My hair is perfectly healthy, I’ll let you know! Your Jonah can’t even be as handsome as me!”
“Huh??? He’s at least ten times as handsome??” Zane was sincerely confused by Rob’s nonsense.
“Nuh-uh, he’s probably really ugly and you just see him through your lovesick glasses or something.”
Zane gladly let Otis take the bottle out of his hands - he only had trouble closing it because his hands were so freaking cold, honestly. He grinded his teeth and stomped over to Rob again, picking up a stick from the ground.
“Oh, hey, whoa, Zane, I don’t think you should…” Otis stopped short of reaching for the younger boy’s arm when he started drawing in the sand instead of hitting Rob over the head as he had feared.
Very carefully, he drew Jonah so Rob could see just how good he looked. He took care with every fine wave of his hair, emphasized his big, round eyes. When he was finished, he took a step back and glanced up proudly at his friends. He was met with even more laughter as Rob eventually fell and rolled around on the ground. Confusedly, he looked down at his drawing. Well, if you squinted, you couuuuld see the resemblance of… a head at least. Maybe. Zane drank some more and pulled out his tiny journal that he usually used for writing down music.
“No, wait, okay, that’s not… He’s like this,” he started a new drawing on an empty page, “he kinda looks like - a cherub, you know, round cheeks and an innocent expression - with me at least. ‘Cause he’s got that kinda fake reserved smile with others. And his blond hair is lighter, and way more silky. But he said he wants to dye it, too, maybe. I hope he doesn’t because that would really be a waste. He said my red hair was cool even though it’s only Otis who dyes it with cheap box-dye… I told him he could come watch practice sometime because he was so excited when I told him about the band.” There was a somber pause and then, “And now I completely fucked up and he’s probably disgusted by me…!”
He stopped and looked at the blurry drawing on the lined paper. Why was it so blurry…? Zane lifted a finger to his eyes and pulled it away wet. Oh. Tears. The pen drawing hadn’t looked much better than the sand drawing in the first place, but with the blotched ink, it was completely unrecognisable, the image just as out of reach as the real person. Zane sank to the ground and took a sharp, wet breath through his mouth.
“What if he doesn’t want anything to do with me anymore?”
The laughter had eventually died down sometime through his rambling and now, worried glances were exchanged above Zane’s head as he wept silently. They both joined him on the cold sand, Otis to his right and Rob directly across from him as the latter put both his hands on Zane’s shoulders and made him look up.
“He’d be stupid if he didn’t.” The way he said it, looking straight into his eyes with certainty and no sign of his usual dumb smile made Zane want to believe him.
He smiled a little, “Well, he can be.”
Rob snorted and boxed his shoulder. “Is that any way to talk about your crush?” A crush, Zane thought. It made something tingle inside of him. It felt right.
Otis slumped back suddenly and pulled Zane with him. He leaned his head against his shoulder, a touch so familiar ever since their childhood, and simply looked up at the sky. Zane watched as Rob did the same on his other side and then looked up himself. There were no stars in the nightsky, or they were not visible at least since everything was covered by thick, white clouds. His nose was stuffy now and the ground was hard and cold. Still, he didn’t move to get up and kept his stinging eyes fixed on the moving clouds - knowing he at least wasn’t alone.
-
They had stayed out way too late, emptying their bottles and playing around on the playground equipment. Thanks to that, Zane woke up the next day not only with puffy eyes but also with a runny nose and a sore throat.
Great, and he had just taken up more shifts because of the break.
He lay awake in his bed for a while, rethinking his whole existence. He hadn’t thought he’d crush on Jonah this hard, his sudden outburst yesterday surprised even himself. Without him realising it, he’d had come to look forward to meeting the younger boy, to rely on his continued presence in his life. There were still so many things he wanted to show him, to share with him. Now he felt somewhat empty. He cleared his throat and threw a hand over his eyes, his brain felt foggy and the light burned in his eyes.
Sluggishly, he first headed to the bathroom before meeting Otis in his kitchenette. They nodded towards one another as they poured themselves bowls of cereal and ate in silence. Only when they put their bowls into the sink, Zane felt awake enough for conversation: “You feeling okay?”
“Sure. Should be asking you that.” He pulled some orange juice from the fridge and poured two glasses, sliding one over to Zane.
“Well, at least not that hungover. Surprisingly.” He sniffed and rubbed at his eyes, resting his weight on the counter.
“Not actually that surprising, you puked your guts out after the merry-go-round. And I made you drink like two bottles of water.“
Ah, that explained the taste of decay in his mouth earlier, then. Zane scrunched up his face and turned his head in his arms to look at Otis.
“I feel like I’m dying.” The cool touch of a hand on his forehead felt so good he closed his eyes.
“You’re running a fever. Let’s get you back to bed,” the brunette said and led Zane away by his wrist. He followed obediently, sliding over the floor more so than actually lifting his feet.
Otis pulled his blanket up over him after he had settled in, climbed over his legs and sat down at the foot of his bed. “Your mom left for work earlier. Said she'd be back in the evening.”
The older boy got comfortable against the wall and snuggled his legs under the blanket, crossing them over Zane’s own. He nodded in turn and closed his eyes again, trying to even out his breaths. His chest felt tight and he felt cold all over, but worst of all were the ever running thoughts in his head. He knew he should, but… he didn’t want to give up yet. All his life, he had missed that warm feeling of being with someone, had looked for that connection to another person, had longed for someone to just get him. It came out of the blue and he still couldn’t fully believe it, but it seemed as if Jonah could be that for him. Shouldn’t they be able to fix this?
“Stop thinking so hard.” Otis looked up from his phone and fixed Zane with an expressionless stare. “You… seemed quite desperate yesterday. Haven’t seen you like it before.”
If he didn’t know better, he’d say Otis was - curious? About his love life? He swallowed with effort and pulled the blanket to his chest. It had been embarrassing to recall how he acted last night and he was glad to postpone meeting Rob as much as he could, but right now, here in his small bedroom and with his childhood best friend - he allowed himself to be vulnerable, just a bit. “I miss him already. If he doesn’t even want to speak to me anymore… I’d hate it.”
There was a hand on his ankle and when he looked back at Otis, he seemed unusually kind. Not that Otis was ever mean, but he wasn’t one to outwardly show emotions, even worse so than Zane. He guessed they had unhealthily influenced one another in regards to that, but they had gotten good at silently reading each other in exchange for that at least.
“The way I know you, and the way you talk about him, I doubt that will happen. Did you - did you actually ask him out, Zane?” The question was posed carefully as if there was an underlying concern that Zane couldn’t fully understand.
He pulled down his brows in confusion.
“Ask him out? I- well. Not so much in words…? I kinda just went for a kiss?” His voice got quieter word by word and he shimmied even further down the blanket, sensing that he might have made a mistake. Well, he knew beforehand that he had miscalculated of course, but Otis seemed to make a different point, judging by the raised eyebrow he received in return. There was a significant pause in conversation.
“Look, Zane. I know you often go about things in a more… physical way and that usually works out. But sometimes, you do have to use your words. You actually like him, don’t you? Not sure if it’ll go the way you want with Jonah since he’s got a girlfriend and all, but at least give him a chance to make a decision with all of the information.”
Otis sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.
“I don’t think he does. Have a girlfriend,” Zane muttered, only his heavy eyes peeking out of the blanket. He turned over Otis’ words in his head, but he didn’t feel like it really made a difference. If Jonah didn’t want to kiss him, he also wouldn't want to date him, right? It made his head spin, so he tried to placate his oldest friend for now. “I’ll talk to him once school starts…”
He drifted off to sleep after that, the last thing he heard being Otis’ offer to call in sick for him at work. Somehow sleep was a bit more peaceful than it was in the days prior.
-
He did not, in fact, talk to Jonah about his feelings once school started back up. Objectively, he knew Otis had a point. But what if he wasn’t mistaken, if he really didn’t like him, wouldn’t he just run straight ahead into his second rejection? And without the pretense of theater club, it wasn’t like he could simply go up to the younger boy anyway, right? It could put Jonah in an awkward position and Zane didn’t want to be overbearing or creepy after he was literally just shown the line he wasn’t supposed to cross.
Maybe the best course of action was to act like nothing had ever happened. He had spent his days without Jonah before as well; classes, smoke breaks, lunch in the cafeteria or off campus, heading home early. It had been okay.
Except now, he knew how it could be, to look forward to seeing someone else. He had known this was only a temporary arrangement from the beginning, but he couldn’t have foreseen he’d grow attached so quickly and so greedily then.
Zane felt like he was going in circles once again. On the one hand, he thought he surely would get over it sooner rather than later if he just took his mind off it by meeting up with others. On the other hand, though, he still… didn’t want that. If there was a small chance he could have Jonah, he would take it, would grasp for any tiny straw he could get.
But then again, Zane was immensely proud, bad with words, and too much of a coward to actually work for what he truly wanted.
And so, whenever he saw Jonah around, he returned to his walled up, nonchalant demeanor, waving and throwing grins his way, but never anything more. He was testing the waters and tried to fathom how the other felt in regards to him, and to what had happened between them, without letting show just how queasy he really was.
It was strange, though. If he didn’t know it any better, there was nothing weird going on between them at all. It was like the distance Jonah had initially put between them was only in Zane’s own head now; if anything, the younger boy reacted more affectionately to him than ever before. He greeted him with a blinding smile, stood up to wave at him when he passed by, followed him around with his eyes. His school uniform shirt was exchanged for shirts of bands Zane liked more often than not and they accidentally bumped into each other unusually often.
Zane was confused because there really wasn’t another way to perceive Jonah’s actions - those were all signs that he liked him, right? It was a little clumsy, of course, but Zane really thought it was cute, seeing Jonah basically fall over himself to impress him. And still, he wasn’t entirely sure what to do in this situation, it wasn’t like the blond had officially made a move on him after all. Perhaps it was just an awkward way to show him that they could still be friends. It wasn’t unthinkable, Jonah had admired Zane because of his style and music taste in the first place. Maybe he just wanted to be like him instead of being with him. Zane had seen him adapt to the people around him before, had seen him change his attitude to fit in with strangers he didn’t even like.
For Zane, these were the facts: Jonah had pushed him away when he attempted to kiss him and he hadn’t tried to take that rejection back since then. Why should he believe his own interpretations and hopes more than what Jonah signalled him directly?
-
This thing between them went on for multiple weeks. Short conversations in passing, not hiding their unlikely acquaintance but also not returning to the closer friendship that had started to form before. Zane was waiting - he didn’t know what for, but the lingering glances, the subtle touches, the hesitating pauses before he spoke… They were all amounting to… Something. And he was willing to wait it out.
The first week of May was slowly getting warmer, warm enough for Zane to finally have his post-lunch smoke outside behind the bleachers instead of sneaking around the upper floor bathrooms. Northside High wasn’t really full of smokers, the precious offspring tended to more… luxurious drugs taken in secret. Still, there were a handful of usuals, mostly alt kids and Southsiders. They didn’t talk much but they were pretty chill regardless. Since it was mostly the same people, one familiar head immediately struck out to him as he approached the wooden construction.
Jonah wasn’t a complete stranger to the smoking crowd. As a true social butterfly, he hopped from group to group and picked out what he liked, making friends or at least acquaintances in each one. Zane wasn’t sure if he truly enjoyed the company and/or variety or if it was just part of the image he liked to uphold. To be different from the other rich kids, to be closer to the cool, quirky vibe he admired.
He passed by the small group with a smile and a general hello, lighting his cigarette after leaning against a beam. The smoke filled his lungs as he closed his eyes, enjoying the warm sun rays on his face and listening to the low chatter next to him. By his fifth puff, he heard the familiar sound of scuffing shoes and quiet goodbyes. When he looked over, he saw bright blue eyes staring right back at him, the owner of the pair staying behind decidedly. Zane felt his heart beat faster and took another drag of his cigarette.
Jonah took the few steps between them slowly, leaning back against the wooden surface next to Zane.
“Hi, Zane.” His voice was as clear and loud as always, but it had that subtle softness that he reserved especially for talking to the redhead.
“Hi, Jonah.” He tapped the ashes off his cigarette and simply watched the younger boy. His fingers itched to touch him so he stuffed his empty hand into his jacket pocket.
He was watched in return: “Can I try? Your cigarette?”
Right at this moment, Jonah looked even younger to him than usual. Round, rosy cheeks, big innocent eyes staring up at him curiously. Thoughts of filthy kisses, smoke being passed between their wet mouths and red-rimmed, tear-filled eyes raced through his mind and he took another big puff to calm his nerves.
“...No chance. You’re too young for that,” he grinned and watched the pout form on Jonah’s face with adoration.
“I bet you started way younger,” Zane neither denied nor agreed, “and I’ll turn sixteen in two weeks.”
“Well, you can ask me again, then.” He could tell Jonah turned antsy under his full attention which made him want to observe him even more closely. Fidgety hands moving errand hair strays behind his ear, nervous tongue wetting his lips, jittery eyes darting around everywhere before looking directly into his.
“Do you want to come? To my birthday party? I rented the upper floor of the Sling.”
Zane whistled and finished off his cigarette. “Sure, when is it?”
Jonah’s eyes gleamed with hope and he stood up tall. “It's on the 10th! Lucky for me, it falls on a Saturday this year, so it’ll be on my actual birthday!”
“Ah, shit, sorry. I can’t on the 10th. It’s Southside High’s prom night.” He hated to see the other deflate and turned his body fully towards him, trying to express his remorse through his gaze.
“Oh. Uhm, well, no worries…! Northside’s was last week already, I think?”
“Yeah, they always take precedence. I think they’re still desillusioned about the tight bonds that might form between the students. So that both events don’t overlap and couples can go to both.”
There was a halfhearted chuckle and then an awkward silence. Zane was just about to suggest to head back inside again when Jonah blurted out:
“So who are you going with?”
Zane blinked and Jonah stared at his own shoes. It took him a second to connect the dots.
“I’m - not. It’s Otis and Rob’s prom and we’re actually performing. Like, as a band. We even get paid a little.” He lowered his head to see Jonah’s reaction, but the blond whipped his head around so fast they almost collided and Zane had to take a step back.
“Oh… oh! That’s amazing! That's so cool, oh my God!” His expression turned from excited to pouty to pensive. “I want to see you perform, too. Maybe I should just cancel my party.”
Zane laughed out loud at that, but Jonah actually seemed serious.
“No, please… It’s just a school performance in a murky gymnasium. Don’t waste your sweet sixteenth for that. I’m sure we will get another chance.”
“Of course you will, but I want to be there for your first gig,” he grumbled and earnestly looked up at Zane. It made his heart flutter and his breath hitch.
He reached out and tucked the same loose strand as always behind Jonah’s ear, soft soft soft. Time might as well have stopped right there and then and it felt like they both held their breaths, awaiting the inevitable crash, before the final bell ripped them out of the moment.
-
By the time prom night turned around the corner, Zane had almost forgotten that conversation. It was going to be their first proper performance and they still didn’t even have a name yet and he would be lying if he said he wasn’t nervous at all. Mostly a good nervous, an excited nervous, but he felt the buzz running through his veins, making him restless regardless. He just wanted to get out there now, get that jitteriness out of his system, but he still had to wait all throughout setup, opening speech, and finally, announcing prom queen and king. He had bantered with Lucía before, his first kiss and Rob’s not so secret crush forever, about the idiotic concept of the crowning and he couldn’t help but smirk at her now that she actually won. She only rolled her eyes and winked at him when she accepted the fake tiara.
Zane got ready to enter the stage when the prom couple descended the stairs, but something caught his eyes behind the crowd of students. A flash of light illuminated the dark gymnasium for just a second as the door opened and a familiar golden blond entered the room sneakily. He couldn’t help the delighted smile that formed on his face when he got out his phone:
u kno u usually hv 2 pay 4 ntry mr. wilshire
He pocketed his phone and watched Jonah jump from the vibration in his tight pants. Zane wasn’t sure if those were his birthday party clothes or if he dressed up especially to sneak inside Southside High, but he looked positively delicious in his suit. Form fitting black pants, a sleek dress shirt, oversized blazer and no tie. When Jonah looked back at him with a grin and put a finger to his mouth, Zane had to physically bite his lip to keep his composure.
“-to officially open post-prom, here are Rob, Otis, and Zane! Give them a round of applause!”
The three of them got on stage amidst loud cheers and Zane’s pulse raced in anticipation. He opened with a short, raspy “Good evening” before heading straight into The Killers’ Mr. Brightside. Immediately, there were shrieks and yelling throughout the crowd and happy, tipsy girls pushed forward to the stage. Zane smirked and searched for Jonah among them. Ever the extrovert, he found him jumping around with multiple girls, including Lucía of all people, singing along and smiling from ear to ear. His heart ached at the sight, seeing how well Jonah could fit in even here, in his home turf, with his people.
Zane bathed in the warm applause afterwards, eyes lit up and a permanent smile etched onto his face.
“Thank you for having us tonight. As you’ve heard, we still don’t have a band name, so any and all suggestions are appreciated. But enough about us, this night belongs to you, Southside graduates of 2008!”
They kept the energy high for the next few songs, choosing only upbeat songs to keep the crowd moving. Zane felt right at home on stage, skipping over the old floor, hyping himself up with Rob at the drums and leaning on Otis for support. He loved every single second of it. Even though he could feel the soreness in his muscles already, a glance at the clock at the back of the gymnasium confirmed the next song on their prearranged setlist. He took a sip from his bottled water and used the quick intermission to wipe some sweat from his face.
“What a fantastic crowd. Thank you so much for giving us this chance. You’re looking beautiful tonight!” He looked into bright, sweaty faces and stopped on an especially red-cheeked, sparkling one. “Before we’ll continue, I’m just really happy I get to say it in person again. Happy birthday, J. This one’s for you.”
The smile he directed at Jonah was genuine and showed his sincere fondness for the boy, and yet it was returned at least tenfold. They had planned to play Five Minutes to Midnight anyway, but it truly felt perfectly fitting at this moment to Zane. He’d never connected to these upbeat teenage love songs like he did now and he couldn’t keep his eyes off Jonah as he sang, jumping with him and leaning as far over the stage as he could without falling. The blond was right up front, reaching his arms out for Zane, not knowing the words but still having the time of his life. His hair was stuck to his face and he was out of breath by now, but to Zane, he looked the most beautiful he had ever seen. He wanted to pull him in by the cheeks, kiss him right then and there on the stage, and not let go of him until his heartbeat had calmed down and the adrenaline had vanished. With trembling fingers, he got out a single cigarette instead and placed it behind Jonah’s ear and winked at him before getting up and putting some safety distance between them. Thankfully for the both of them, the flustered blush on Jonah’s face was indiscernible from the red of exertion.
It's five minutes to midnight
You're coming home with me tonight
I can't get enough, shakin' me up, turn it up
Rob’s knowing smirk afterwards sure made Zane glad they hadn’t miked him up for the concert.
It was during their next, designated slow dance song that Jonah was called away like Cinderella when midnight strikes. Zane watched him wince upon seeing the caller ID, acknowledged his longing yet apologetic gaze, followed him with his eyes as he made a beeline for the door before picking up. He knew it was only natural for him to leave, it was his birthday after all and he had a whole ass party going on, but he’d lie if he said he wasn’t disappointed. Zane had hoped the lyrics he dedicated to the blond would somehow turn out to be true even when he had known it was unlikely.
-
They played a couple more songs and Zane put his whole body into performing them. He was glad for the distraction, it made it easier to swallow down the gloomy thoughts, to only focus on the fun of making music instead.
His legs felt weak and unsteady as he descended the few steps of the temporary stage. He all but fell into the crowd, but he was held up by friendly arms swung around his shoulders and carried along by congratulatory pats on his back. There were drinks shoved his way and happy laughter surrounded him, even though he was drenched in sweat and probably a completely dishevelled mess. For all he acted like he couldn’t care less what others thought of him, Zane secretly loved the attention and admiration he received, glowed and blossomed under the praise.
That’s why he was buzzing still even as they eventually stood behind the gym to pass around smokes and booze. He’d just given the flask to Rob when a guy came up to him, framing his head with his arm against the wall, strategically blocking his view of the rest of the group. Zane cocked his head to the other side, lazily exhaling the smoke of his cigarette, and looked at the confident grin above him.
“You were fucking hot up there. It's my last day in this godforsaken town and I want to try something new to commemorate it. Want to help me out?”
It was Zane’s turn to grin as he considered him. He wasn’t his type at all, big and burly, but he was still twitching with energy and craved some touch, anything, to let it all out. This guy was here and he gave it to him easily, wanted him, and so - with a last drag of his cigarette, he crashed their mouths together. It was easy to ignore the wolf whistles when he was pressed into the wall by this big body, every brush of their crotches exciting him, and making his pulse race in his ears. Before it could become a problem, he pushed the guy away with a wet sound of their lips and led him back inside in search of the toilet stalls.
“Not wasting any time, I see.” Zane barely had time to lock the door and turn around before big hands were on him again.
He was back against a different wall in a matter of seconds, a tongue shoved down his throat immediately. He’d lie if he said he didn’t like this kind of rough, dirty foreplay, even though the way he was lifted off the ground felt foreign to him. Usually, it was him setting the pace, leading the way, but he wasn’t one to complain when the friction of their dicks rubbing together was so good. He leaned his head back and moved to open his pants button as the other worked on his neck and kept grinding into him. A shiver went down his spine when he touched himself and he couldn’t suppress the groan that followed. The guy licked a stripe with his flat tongue up his neck and then sat him down on the toilet lid, kneeling in front of him and placing his big hands on both of his thighs.
Zane smiled down dopely at him, “You sure this is something new to you?”
He didn’t even take notice of the older guy’s “That will come after” because suddenly his whole dick was enveloped by hot, wet tightness and he had to grab the lid hard to stay upright. It might have been the best blowjob he’d ever gotten, tongue swirling around his slit expertly while his throat constricted around his length with each bob of the head. He bucked his hips up repeatedly and the other didn’t even flinch, only releasing him upon hearing Zane’s frantic “Coming, I’m coming!”
He was still grinning as he wiped his cum streaked hand on some toilet paper, giving Zane a second to calm down.
“Want to move somewhere more… spacious?”
Zane chuckled and moved to return the favor when his phone vibrated in his pocket. He froze, and against his better judgment, got it out to check the message.
Would have loved 2 stay. J. X
He felt his heart physically drop and his mouth ran dry. Reading the single X felt like a punch to the stomach.
What exactly was he doing right now? He was talking big about love and then fucked the next easy guy that came along?
Zane felt like the world’s biggest asshole and suddenly, all of his arousal and excitement was gone. He cleared his throat awkwardly as he pocketed his phone and closed his pants.
“Hey, uhm, sorry, but something suddenly came up and I…”
When he finally looked up, he was met with a cold stare and all of a sudden, he became acutely aware of the small space and the difference in their body size. He swallowed hard as a big hand went to his shoulder, not hurting but definitely restraining him.
“Hey now, you wouldn’t just leave me like this, right?” The fake smile sent a shiver of a different kind down his spine and he tried to wriggle loose and around this stranger.
“Really, I’m sorry, but I have to go.” But the guy just tsked his tongue and whirled Zane around by his wrist, slamming his chest to the door and pushing his whole body against him.
“You’re all take, no give, huh? Don’t act like you’re not just a little whore who’ll put out for anyone.”
Zane’s whole body became rigid and was drained of blood, his shoulder, his cheek, his thighs, all were pressed against the hard wood and he couldn’t move a muscle as he felt something press against his ass and a wet breath grazed his ear. For the first time in his life, he felt real, primal fear as his arms were bent behind his back with a single, forceful hand, and he heard the metallic sound of a zipper.
Panic, as well as his desperate pleas for the guy to stop, only made him realize they weren’t alone anymore when the door vibrated thanks to some powerful kicks and loud yelling filling the room. He used the surprise of the other guy to rip one arm free and unlock the door, making them tumble out into the open and into Rob’s furious arms. He had never been so thankful to see his stupid face as at this moment and he felt relieved tears cloud his vision as they locked eyes. Rob shoved him to the side into Otis who carefully wrapped him in his arms and led him as far away as he could within the room. Zane was silently thankful for it, there was still a whole party going on and he didn’t want to be seen by anyone else at that moment. He couldn’t stop shaking all over even while Rob beat the guy to a pulp and Otis held him together.
-
They were quiet in the car, afterwards. All three of them sat in the backseat; Rob with bruised knuckles and a busted lip, Otis with a protective arm still slung around Zane, and Zane, hunched over in the middle between them. They hadn’t planned on driving, they all had wanted to drink and enjoy themselves, but now they were glad they had decided to leave the car in the school parking lot. There was a heavy air surrounding them, anger still radiated off of Rob and Otis, but Zane only felt cold all over, even with a blanket thrown over himself.
“Uhm. Sorry for ruining your prom night…” His voice was weak from disuse and he didn’t dare to look up at either of his friends.
He flinched as Rob whirled around to him and punched his shoulder with less force than he’d anticipated. Even Otis looked stern as he moved to his line of sight, shaking his head and tightening his grip.
“Don’t you fucking dare repeat that ever again. I’ll fucking kill that guy.” Zane could see Rob’s hand clench hard into a fist on his thigh and moved his own hand over it.
“Then, at least, thank you. Thank you for being there.” He took a deep breath and swallowed audibly, finally looking at his best friends and only seeing worry left in their eyes. Zane had had his fair share of shitty experiences with others, there had to be with the amount of hook ups he’s had in his opinion, but there had never been anyone as aggressive, as… predatory. He guessed he should have considered himself lucky it only happened this once, and he was shocked it affected him so badly. But it had been really fucking terrifying if he was being honest.
“If you hadn’t…” his voice broke and the tears finally spilled over his face, and like a dam had broken, both Rob and Otis followed suit silently, hugging him between themselves.
All of them were still sniffling on the way back home to Otis’ later on.
“Initially, we came to scold you.”
“Yeah…”
“So you wouldn’t do anything you’d regret in the future.”
“Yeah.”
“…he was there because of you, wasn’t he?”
“He was.”
“You’re an idiot.”
“I know.”
He didn’t dare to text Jonah back.
-
Zane used all of Sunday to rationalize his fear and hurt away. It wasn’t so scary in the morning, with some light and distance built up to last night. After all, his friends had arrived before anything truly bad could have happened, right? He hadn’t actually been touched in any way he hadn’t been before. And that asshole would be gone by now anyway. Just like that, Zane had made up his mind to simply forget and repress that part of the night. He couldn’t quite help the tremble of his hands when he picked up his bass for practice that day though.
He was glad nobody seemed to have noticed anything going on at prom, or at least nobody was talking about him. Even if he was safe in a way, at Northside High, there were still some Southside students who could have gotten the gossip if it had spread, so he couldn’t help but worry at first. But Zane was good at not letting anything show, and so life simply went on as usual. He did keep more of a distance from Jonah, though, subtly sneaking away whenever he saw him. It just didn’t feel right to him at the time, like he didn’t deserve his company. At least he only had two more weeks left before summer break started.
Zane had been so sure he'd made it when he stepped under the little roof of the bus stop. He’d stayed behind a little while longer after last period so there’d be less of a chance to run into him and yet… There he was. Feet pulled up on the bench, backpack carelessly dumped beside him, his tongue poking out as he focused on the phone in his hand. As soon as Zane had rounded the glass wall, however, his head shot up and there was no time to retreat, to run, to act like he hadn’t seen him.
“Zane! I-”, he scrambled to his feet and crossed the small distance between them, “I will be gone for most of summer break, I’ll be in California and then I have to attend this stupid economics seminar in July and I wanted to…”
He swallowed and interrupted his own rambling, reaching out to hold the hem of Zane’s cardigan.
“Did I do something wrong…?”
It kind of broke his heart a little.
He could see the sadness shine through in his eyes and he only had himself to blame for it. If he was being honest, he’d missed him like a lung these past two weeks, wanted to just curl up and hold onto Jonah and simply let the world pass by. Never in his life had Zane wanted to lean on someone but with him, he could imagine it, wished for it.
But he- he’d fuck this up. He had already fucked up once before and he knew himself. He knew he wouldn’t be able to be just friends with Jonah, he’d always crave his touch, just like he did now. It would tear at him, having him close but never quite in reach, and he’d either make the other boy hate him or come apart himself. His throat closed up at the thought, but he had to say something, had to explain, had to make a shitty excuse, anything at this point.
“No. I just,” he closed his eyes and swallowed around the lump in his throat, but he actually had no clue what to even say.
His head lowered down onto Jonah’s shoulder and he tried to find refuge in the hollow of it. Zane had told himself he wouldn’t ever touch him without permission anymore, but he didn’t know how to express his feelings with words, didn’t know what to say to reassure Jonah but not make him run away.
Inhaling Jonah’s scent made him nervous and calm at the same time, strange as it may be, and he moved to touch his fingers to the other’s softly. Jonah stood still, Zane wasn’t even sure if he was still breathing, but he didn’t try to move or push Zane away like he had last time. He felt like he was slowly sinking into Jonah, felt the warmth radiating off of him and seep into himself. The smooth skin under his fingertips grounded him as he moved his hand upwards, encircling Jonah’s small wrist, trying to physically hold onto this moment for as long as he could. He longed for this so bad, but he knew he didn’t get to keep it. As he heard the bus approach, he nuzzled close one last time, rubbing his nose gently against Jonah’s delicate neck before placing a chaste kiss on his cheek.
“See you after the break, Jonah.”
Maybe, just maybe three months of not seeing him could be enough to put a halt to this crush.
-
Time flew by faster than he’d thought.
Between band practice, driving lessons, more shifts at his part-time job and fixing up the old van Otis’ dad had reserved for them, Zane barely had time to think about Jonah. All he wanted to do was throw himself into making music, forget about all of the… shitty stuff that had been happening recently.
He hated returning to his empty family home, lying awake in the dead of night, marinating in his own guilt, shame and fear. So instead, he threw himself into writing music, blasting his ears with it so no unnecessary thoughts could linger for long.
Rob had started to party more and more on the weekends ever since he had graduated which left him useless for half of these days. Zane wasn’t his father who could tell him what to do and he actually didn’t begrudge him the fun either. He knew just how much he had struggled with school in his last year and if he couldn’t let loose during his final break, when could he ever? Next year at this time, they’d hopefully be driving around playing shows if they ever got that van to work.
They had gotten it for free from Otis’s dad on the condition that they made it work themselves. At least he helped them by showing them what actually needed fixing and how to repair stuff. Zane hated the heat almost as much as he hated the cold, but he couldn’t deny that it was kind of refreshing to put his body to use in a different way and get positive results because of it. The first time the engine roared to life, the three of them had celebrated under the setting sun with beer provided by a very proud Mr. Lacey.
Jonah had texted him a couple of times, just ordinary things, but Zane’s heart skipped a beat every time. He didn’t always have enough credit to text back but it was always enough to kickstart cringy thoughts rushing to his mind again. It was embarrassing to admit, but the first song he ever finished writing turned out to be your typical teenage love song. As he put down his pen, he idly wondered if Jonah would realise it was about him if he didn’t say anything.
The first time he played Peachboy to Rob and Otis, he didn’t look at them once until he finished and he felt like he’d rather sink into the ground and die than face them, and their relentless teasing (mostly from Rob) certainly didn’t make it any better. But still, he felt his heart lighten up as he shared his feelings with his music and even with all the laughter and poking fun, the added drums and guitar really elevated the song. He could truly imagine playing it live on stage, and his fingers itched for a chance to do so. His heart beat fast after the first proper run-through and Rob grinned at him as if he knew exactly what he was thinking.
“Is this the perfect moment to tell you we got a gig at the mall in January?”
Zane’s head whipped around to the blond in equal amounts of surprise and confusion: “How?! When?”
Rob snickered triumphantly and twirled his drum sticks around his fingers.
“Well I’ve not been doing nothing all summer break, thank you very much. They’re reopening the arcade and they wanted to attract people with some kinda show. I sent them a recording of our prom show and what do you knowwww - they replied in agreement the very next day!”
More than even the prospect of performing again, Zane felt the heat rise to his cheeks at the thought that they had liked what they had heard. The mall was located on the Northside. This wasn’t just pity points from the South or sucking up to Rob’s dad or whatever - they booked them for them. His legs got jittery and he silently walked around the garage unit, even hopping sideways a little to get rid of the excitement that threatened to show on his face. Judging by his best friends’ amused expressions, he didn’t really succeed though.
“Now that you got bass and songwriting down… You’ll finally have to work on dancing, I guess,” Otis deadpanned and Rob cackled loudly, holding his hand out for a fistbump. Zane bumped their heads together instead and tousled their hair under loud protest. Those four months until January would take forever to pass.
-
That assumption held up all throughout September and October.
Homecoming and spirit week only made school more tedious and annoying and despite his best efforts to lose his physical attraction he had towards Jonah, it hadn’t really worked. On the contrary, Jonah seemed hell-bent on making Zane lose all resolve even though he only held back for the younger boy’s sake in the first place. He showed up regularly to the smoking spot, looked for him after classes, and left him drinks and snacks on his table in the cafeteria. Zane felt like he wasn’t even trying to keep their… friendship on the down low anymore, and he kind of liked the thrill of being pursued by him. It really made him question whether Jonah didn’t like him romantically, or rather sexually, after all. The slight distinction in his mind made him pause and think back to what Otis had said that day after his playground breakdown - Did you actually ask him out?
Halloween gave him the final push to make up his mind.
Funnily enough, it was Angela that brought them together this time. She’d invited Zane to her houseparty on Halloween, as a thank you or some kind of reconciliation attempt, and obviously he hadn’t planned on going at all. As he brushed her off with a thanks, she leveled him with calculative eyes.
“Oh, I asked Jonah to come, too, by the way. He said he’ll be there.”
Zane had tried to play it cool, really, but he knew the fact that she had even mentioned this unprovoked in the first place meant that she’d seen through him anyway.
His quietly mumbled “...Can I bring a friend?” still felt like admitting defeat somehow.
Rob was elated to accompany him of course and he actually put some effort into his zombie costume as opposed to Zane’s easy solution of wearing a skeleton hoodie and gloves. The redhead didn’t really care about it, it wasn’t like they wouldn’t be let in if they didn’t show up in costume. At Rob’s continued insistence, though, he gave in and at least let him try to replicate the look of a skull on his face and he had to admit it did look pretty cool. Thank YouTube tutorials for that.
As always, Otis had no plan to join them, but he lent them his car instead. Seeing as Zane had finally managed to get his driver’s license this summer, he was deemed designated driver for the night. He didn’t mind, it was easier for him to stick to a couple of beers compared to Rob who always wanted to be the life of any party anyway. He only wanted to see one specific person after all.
-
Angela’s place was nice, just what he’d had expected from a Northside home. There was enough space so it didn’t feel crowded but it still felt close-knit in a way. Zane had lost Rob to the crowd long ago but his focus lay elsewhere anyway. He’d seen him as soon as they’d arrived, but there hadn’t yet been a moment where Jonah wasn’t surrounded by a bunch of people. While Zane kept nursing his two beers for basically the whole night, Jonah was dragged around from the kitchen to the makeshift dance floor, to the gaming station and back to the kitchen island. He was given drink after drink, knocked back shots shoved into his hands. It wasn’t in Zane’s right to interrupt, but he didn’t want to experience the hangover he’d have to suffer in the morning.
He looked hot, too. Zane was reminded of his stage play costume, but this time the loose dress shirt was black and tucked into a high waist pair of pants that hugged his curves but flared out towards the legs. Not only once did he think about licking up the trail of fake blood that ran down his chin from his lips or the smooth, pale chest that peaked out from underneath the unbuttoned linen. When the urge got too tempting, Zane grabbed his cigarettes and headed up to the second floor. He’d already seen the window that had access to the flat roof from the outside and luckily for him, the bedroom was neither locked nor occupied when he went to look for it.
Stepping out onto it felt like he was in one of those corny teen shows that always seemed too fake for him. In his cramped town house, there was no chance of doing things like this. Freedom reserved for the rich and privileged, he thought bitterly as he lit his first cigarette, though the stars aren’t any clearer than on the dirty playground floor.
By the time he had finished it, he’d leaned back against the wall next to the window and regretted not taking his jacket with him. As much as he enjoyed the commotion in the distance, he didn’t actually feel like joining in, especially not when he wasn’t on the same level of getting wasted. He’d just pulled up his hood against the cold when the window rattled and a very drunk Jonah threw half of his body out, looking left and right and lighting up when he saw Zane.
“Foundchu!!”
He squealed as he tried his best to gracefully step outside the window, “Looked everywhere. Then found this window open a bit. Hehe.”
Jonah looked so proud Zane didn’t find it in himself to make fun of his stumbling and helped steady him instead. He hoped it wouldn’t cause problems, Jonah staggering around the roof like a fawn, but he guessed it was flat and big enough, and before he could even finish the thought, Jonah landed sideways in his lap, giggling.
It took him by surprise, but his hands moved instinctively to Jonah’s waist, keeping him close. In turn, the blond snuggled closer to Zane’s chest, his hair tickling the older boy. His heart picked up its pace again and he wasn’t sure what to do with the bundle in his arms. He decided to simply not question Jonah’s clinginess, he was drunk after all, and if it came from himself, surely it was okay, right? He was grateful for the warmth, too. It spread from his chest throughout his body, burning especially hot where he touched Jonah.
“You’re not a very menacing vampire, are you?”
He tried for light conversation lest he do something stupid again.
“Hah! See, you can tell ‘m s’pposed to be a vampire even without the stupid cloak. So annoying. Mills wanted me to wear it but I said the teeth are enough, right?”
He leaned back comfortably in Zane’s hold and flashed his teeth, but the redhead had to pick out the white plastic teeth poking out from his shirt pocket himself. With a little Oops he took them and placed them gleefully back into his mouth, grinning cutely and actually biting lightly into Zane’s neck.
“Payback!” He kept giggling and looked up at Zane innocently.
There was a short pause in which Zane didn’t know how to react and clammed up, and Jonah used it to grab the other’s face with both hands.
“Y’look soooo cool. Almost didn’t recognise you with all the makeup ‘n stuff.”
His eyes glazed over and his eyes fixated onto Zane’s lips, and suddenly he became very quiet. Zane didn’t dare move, but when he swallowed, Jonah’s eyes followed the movement of his Adam's apple curiously. Unconsciously, it seemed, he leaned forward and bit it again, sending a shiver down Zane’s spine. He rearranged Jonah in his lap so he wouldn’t feel whatever would happen down there, since he didn’t know what else the younger boy would get up to. While he felt confused and a little guilty for what the fuck was going on right now, he also didn’t want to stop it.
Apparently, he had worried about nothing though as Jonah simply smiled happily and slumped back against Zane’s chest, playing with the silver chain he found hanging around his neck. It felt a little like having a cuddly cat with the way he nuzzled his head into him and Zane barely resisted playing with his flowy hair. He gave up on conversation and enjoyed the closeness instead, rested his head on Jonah’s and breathed him in. He felt calm which was a strange feeling considering physical contact usually led him to getting excited instead.
“Always wanted to have my first kiss like in the movies. Y’know, like in Enchanted… Full of whimsy and fireworks in your chest and just… feeling loved.”
Jonah’s words were spoken thoughtfully and quiet into the night, seemingly out of nowhere, and Zane waited with bated breath.
His giggles turned soft until they faded into even breathing and Zane belatedly realised he had fallen asleep in his arms just like that. After dropping… that on him. He was glad for it because - how was he supposed to even react to that? What did he mean? Could it be? Did he really not- A thousand questions filled his mind, but one thought resurfaced again and again. Is that the only reason he rejected me?
Zane looked down on Jonah’s sleeping face, so peaceful and content and he couldn’t help but blush at the pure innocence of this boy that he only now truly realized. He hid his face in his hand, not daring to let go of this precious person in his lap, this boy who felt this safe with him, and breathed out slowly through his mouth. Romance. He could do romance, right? Sure he didn’t have a lot of experience with it, but… How hard could it be? He had a whole song written about this very boy. What was more romantic than writing him a song and performing it for everyone to see?
He allowed himself a few more moments of just holding Jonah and calming down before he eventually jostled him awake again. His sleepy eyes took their sweet time to open confusedly, but when he realized who was with him, Jonah looked satisfied and ready to return to the land of dreams.
“Hey, no going back to sleep. Let’s get you home, yeah?”
Though he said that, Zane made no move to get them out of the position they were in, and burrowed his face back into Jonah’s hair instead.
“Ehhhhh… we were s’pposed t’call Melissa, uhm, Milly’s mom… but ‘s so late now and Mill’s toootally wasted,” he snickered and made himself even smaller to get cozy.
Zane wanted to stay here forever, too, but with the cold and the lateness of the night already, he decided to be the more reasonable one here.
“Melissa, huh? Sounds like you’re the perfect son-in-law already.”
He pinched Jonah’s cheek and stretched out his legs, joggling him just so much that he stayed awake.
“Nooo! Already told you we’re not like that!” Jonah sat up and rubbed at his eyes, trying to convince Zane with a pout. Of course he believed him, even though he wasn’t sure if Milly felt the same way. The blood on her neck definitely betrayed her “Pretty Corpse” costume as an intended couple's costume with her best friend. Still, it worked in riling Jonah up just as Zane had planned. He smiled sincerely at the younger boy and rubbed their noses together.
“C’mon, I’ll drive you both. Let’s go look for her.”
-
Herding Jonah safely back inside and into the spare bedroom where they all had dumped their jackets took longer than he’d have imagined. The blond stopped for every guest they came across and still managed to nearly fall asleep twice. Worst of all, he wouldn’t let go of Zane’s sleeve, following him around and keeping him close even as he struggled to stay attentive to his surroundings. It was the worst because Zane realised he didn’t mind the clinginess one bit, found it endearing even. At that moment, he just wanted to grab Jonah by the hand and show off that he belonged to him. If only he did.
Finding Milly afterwards wasn’t difficult at all in comparison. Just like Jonah had remembered leaving her, she was with two other girls, though one was passed out alongside herself. The third one leveled him with an icy, arrogant glare before deeming him harmless enough to take Milly away. Or maybe she just trusted Jonah instead. She still watched the two of them like a hawk as Jonah managed to wake his best friend and steady her even as he swayed himself.
While the two of them sorted themselves out, Zane went to look for Rob. He found him in the living room, going strong in some Mario Kart tournament.
Even though he was too distracted to pay him proper attention, he waved Zane away and told him he could go ahead without him. This guy, Jordan, whom they’d met a couple of times at the Sling before assured him that Rob could crash at his place which was within walking distance. And so, Zane felt comfortable enough to leave him there.
He joined the two juniors by the entrance, the both of them resting on each other. Zane would be lying if he said the sight didn’t bother him in the slightest, especially because Milly was wrapped in Jonah’s jacket, too. Sighing, he took the lead and guided them to the car. They had almost reached it when he heard the commotion behind him. As he turned, he saw Jonah’s face turn white as a sheet of paper and cover his mouth, panic visible in his eyes. Zane rushed over immediately, but before he could even touch the pale boy, he was entrusted with the girl instead while Jonah hurried to the nearest bushes.
Zane cursed, but brought a confused Milly over to the car first, promising her that he’d take care of Jonah instead. Though he didn’t know if she even knew who he was, it seemed enough for her to stay obediently in the backseat. He grabbed a bottle of water from the glove compartment and locked the car before he returned to where Jonah had vanished. Following the sounds of dry heaving, he found the blond cowering in the tall grass, unshed tears making his eyes burn red. He kneeled down beside him and rubbed soothing circles in between his shoulder blades, brushing his loose hair out of the way.
The redhead wasn’t usually gentle. Whenever Rob was puking his guts out, he’d leave him to it and only made sure he didn’t choke on it from afar. Maybe throw him a bottle of water afterwards if he felt especially nice. But now, some kind of instinct kicked in when he saw Jonah, miserable and pitiful, and he mumbled comforting words to him as he took some of his weight off of him. He helped him drink some water and waited for him patiently, verbally waved away his worries that he’d seen him this gross now. He even put his own jacket around his trembling shoulders, letting Jonah lean against him as he used the wait to smoke another cigarette.
When it had burned down and Jonah’s stomach seemed to have settled for now, he helped the younger boy up and led him to the passenger seat.
-
Milly had already fallen asleep when they got back, so it was in Jonah’s responsibility to lead Zane back to her place since the Southsider had no clue about Northside residential areas.
In turn, it was in Zane’s responsibility to keep Jonah awake.
He had his legs pulled up to his chest like he did so often and rested his head against the headrest, watching Zane openly. There was a silent smile playing on his lips as he fiddled with the zipper on the borrowed jacket he was still wearing. Zane didn’t mind being watched, but he could tell the drive made him sleepy. He flicked a glance at Milly through the rearview mirror and found her fast asleep, mouth hanging open.
“Do you… know about her feelings for you?”
He asked it casually as he took a turn. But even in his drunken state, Jonah was startled by the sudden question and turned forward on his seat.
“Yeah, I do.”
"Does she know?”
“No, I don't think so.”
Zane hummed in response. So he wasn’t that clueless about relationships at least. He was happy Jonah felt like he could be honest with him. It couldn’t be easy; as far as Zane could tell, she was Jonah’s only real friend and they’d known each other since pre-school.
“Does it bother you?”
He slipped the question in silently with his driving instructions and so Zane’s answer came thoughtlessly.
“Hm? Not really.”
“Oh.”
The redhead scolded himself internally for being careless. He didn't want Jonah to think that he didn’t care. He could feel the blond retreat into himself and struggled to express how he really felt about it.
“I mean, she can't help her feelings. And it’s what you want that matters in the end.” To me at least.
More rustling on the passenger seat. It was too dark to really see his expression with a mere glimpse, but the tension hadn’t left his body like Zane had hoped.
“You don't think it's weird I don’t do anything about it? Sometimes I fear I’m just… leading her on.”
His words were mumbled in the first place so it didn’t really help how he pressed his head into his knees, too. Zane had to really focus to make sense of what he had said and took another moment to formulate his answer.
“Why would you take her choice of telling you herself away? I think it would be more patronizing to make the decision for her, especially if you’re going to reject her,” he paused and decided to end on a kind note, “And I doubt she'd want you to change the way you're acting with her. You’re her best friend for a reason.”
Jonah’s head turned towards him, still resting on his knees, and his shoulders relaxed visibly. Zane repressed the urge to touch his neck and kept his eyes on the road instead.
“Thank you, Zane. Oh, we’re here, it’s that house. Look, that’s my Jeep parked out front!” He was back to his old cheery self and Zane swallowed his own tautness as he pulled up the driveway. He hadn’t denied he’d reject her. His heart was still pounding against his chest and he breathed out slowly, trying to be subtle about it.
Seeing the huge white car, he couldn’t help but smile at the image of Jonah’s comparably tiny body behind the steering wheel.
He hadn’t initially planned to bring them to the door, but after watching Jonah struggle to stay upright after taking ages to get Milly out of the car, Zane took pity on them and tried to steady them both on the short walk. The two of them bickered in hushed voices about how Milly couldn’t find the housekeys even though her purse was so small and didn’t even realize the lights turned on in the hallway. Before Zane could hurry away, the door flung open and a nervous looking woman stared at the three of them.
“Milly, Jonah! You guys were supposed to call!”
Both juniors talked over each other with excuses and apologies while Milly’s mother, Melissa, Zane reminded himself, took a look at him first and then Otis’ old car in the driveway. Inconspicuously to the others, she pulled Milly inside and away from him while they still stumbled over their words, probably trying (and failing) not to seem too drunk. Zane resisted the urge to snort and kept his face intentionally blank. Nothing he hadn’t experienced before.
“Well, you’re here now, that’s all that matters,” she tried to put an end to the situation and turned to Zane, taking a step between him and Jonah, “Let me pay you for bringing them here.”
This time, Zane couldn’t help but cock his head and furrow his brows.
“No need, it was just a favor between friends.”
The way Jonah lit up at his words actually made him forget the ill-disposed woman and he smiled at him warmly in return.
“Want me to drive you home?”
“No!” Before either of them could get another word in, Milly’s mom put a heavy hand on Jonah’s shoulder, pulling him towards her. He seemed surprised at first, but then nodded along her explanation obliviously. “Uh, Jonah’s already got all of his things here. Oh, and his car, too! There’s really no need for you to take him. Thanks for the offer, though!”
Zane narrowed his eyes at her. Even if all that seemed reasonable, why’d she answer for Jonah? He could understand her a bit, he supposed; here he was, a young man she hadn’t ever seen before with an unrecognisable face, painted as a skull, and driving a car that clearly belonged to an unknown, poor side of town. Still, it didn’t sit right with him. But he also knew not to push for the impossible and he didn’t need to die on this hill tonight. He leveled her with another cold stare before turning to Jonah once more.
“Sure… See you in school, then.” Despite the unwanted intruder, he reached out to ruffle the blond hair before turning away.
Jonah’s bubbly “Yeah, see you on Monday!” almost drowned out the honestly surprised “Oh, he goes to Northside High?” before the door finally closed behind them.
-
Her attitude towards him had irked him all the way home, but Zane didn’t want to let that weird ending ruin a perfectly nice night for him. He had more important things to do than be upset about the usual bigoted Northside behavior - like borrowing that movie Jonah mentioned from Redbox. The cover alone kind of made him doubt the whole thing. But if it brought him closer to understanding Jonah, he’d probably watch anything at this point. In the end, it wasn’t even that bad, if he was being honest; the songs were catchy and the interactions between the protagonists were actually pretty funny in their absurdity. Zane could relate to the male lead especially. It just didn’t really help in figuring out how to approach his pursuit, he didn’t get how this was Jonah’s dream. Didn’t the main couple both kiss someone else before finding each other?
It seemed ridiculous to Zane, too, hoping to get help from some stupid rom-com movie. He’d silently laughed to himself about how he’d just take a look to see what Jonah liked, but now, with no clue on how to proceed, he could admit to himself that he’d secretly wished there was a detailed gameplan laid out for him. That was exactly the reason why he wasn’t in a relationship in the first place - he sucked at commitment, he sucked at expressing feelings, he sucked at making significant bonds. He hated admitting his shortcomings but he couldn’t run from them all his life now, could he? How do you show her you love her? If Zane only knew.
As expected, Jonah didn’t seem to remember the Halloween party in its entirety. The way he acted squeamish but unsure when they talked the following week was proof enough for Zane. He did remember he’d driven them home though and thanked him from the both of them, but Zane could tell he didn’t have a clue what they talked about or that he’d spent like an hour in his lap. Otherwise, they’d be closer already, he was sure. He didn’t tell him either, he’d keep this bit to himself until he knew they’d be certain. His smitten smile was enough to calm Jonah’s nerves down, thankfully.
It wasn’t easy to figure out the right amount of flirting to not make it too obvious for others but make it obvious enough for Jonah to get it. He’d catch him at the lockers or after class, made sure to keep a close proximity to him without touching, and even left him a little note once. It didn’t even say anything, just a simple smiley face, but he’d had a sticky note with him when he passed his locker (which he knew by heart by now) and he followed his impulse. Whatever. He didn’t know, okay? Jonah seemed to like their interactions, and that was all Zane wanted.
He continued to build this up all throughout November and when he saw Jonah all alone in the art class room after school in the first week of December, he finally felt ready to invite him to their mall gig in January with purpose.
They hadn’t seen each other for a week since Thanksgiving had just passed, and he took a moment to watch Jonah work, totally concentrated on a canvas turned away from the window Zane was looking in from. There was a totally different air about him while he painted. He looked like a classical painting himself, all stoic and rosy cheeked, and the senior was mesmerized once again. So mesmerized that it took Jonah to look up and find him instead of Zane knocking on the window like he’d had planned initially. Not creepy at all, Boose.
He jumped up and looked down at himself all confused and Zane felt like he could hear the gears turn in his head before he finally rushed over and opened the window.
“Hi!” It was only one syllable but he somehow sounded breathless.
“Hi yourself. Doing overtime?” Zane guessed he could ease into his invitation with some smalltalk, but the selfmade, hastily thrown together ticket weighed heavily in his backpocket. English Literature sure had been productive in some way.
“Um, I guess, I gotta finish this week,” he scratched his cheek and glanced back shyly, “Are you going home? Did you have a nice Thanksgiving break?”
Zane leaned his weight on one foot and steadied himself by placing his hand inconspicuously next to Jonah’s on the windowframe, slightly brushing their pinky fingers together. They were both consciously aware of the touch judging by the quick glance Jonah shot down at their hands. He didn’t move it away and his cheeks flushed a light pink color. It gave Zane the push to grab for the ticket with his other hand as he talked.
“Sure, Rob and Otis even took me to a concert for my birthday. We took the van and-” Before he could smoothly segue into his ulterior motive, Jonah’s hand covered his and he interrupted him, taken aback.
“It was your birthday?! When?”
They both stared at each other with wide eyes and Zane once again lost his casual flow.
“Uhhh, yeah, on the 29th…”
It had been fun. The three of them hadn’t spent much of their free time together recently, Rob was often missing without a trace and Zane was busy with school, studying and work. Otis and him would sometimes meet and watch a movie or something but it had actually been a while since they’d hung out as three aside from the occasional band practice. So, the tickets and the road trip felt pretty exciting, even for Zane. The crowd wasn’t too tightly packed so Zane could enjoy himself without constantly having to overthink hands brushing past him.
He mentally shook himself out of the feeling and silently watched Jonah pout and pat his pockets restlessly. Before he could even ask, the blond bounced away quickly to his canvas and picked up his discarded backpack, fiddling with something out of sight. Zane remained at the window, his left hand still uselessly grabbing the small piece of paper in his pocket. Still thrown for a loop, he stood still when Jonah came back and wound something around his wrist, biting his lower lip distractingly.
“I wish you’d have told me! This is all I got right now, but… Maybe I can take you out for a milkshake? Coffee? Lunch?”
When he was finished, he looked back up at Zane all smiley and cute and it took some serious willpower to lead his gaze to the small silver beads wrapped around his arm. It was dainty enough to look like an actual bracelet, but as Jonah presented the other half of it to him, he realized it was actually the chain of a keychain. The blond posed with the little plush bunny next to his face and continued to smile brightly.
“Happy belated birthday! It’s not much, but I kinda think it matches your style…”
Zane smiled down at his wrist, turning it this way and that. He actually preferred that it wasn’t some expensive gift, that would have just made him uncomfortable. Looking from Jonah’s bright eyes to the similar white bunny in his hand, he freed a safety pin from his own bag and attached it to the backside of the plush, making sure to touch Jonah’s hand softly when taking it from him.
“Thanks, Jonah, I’ll treasure it,” he pinned the bunny to Jonah’s button-down collar and cheekily grinned down at him, “Literally chaining me to yourself, huh?”
Jonah’s face turned beet red and he insisted desperately that he hadn’t meant it that way, clutching the pinned charm near his collarbone. Zane chuckled in turn and held his other hand in his own again.
“Relax, I’m only teasing you. I have a little time before work today if you wanna go somewhere?”
He brushed his knuckles with his thumb and tilted his head to the side, watching in amusement as Jonah practically yelled his positive answer and hurried to pack up his things. Zane was reminded of last year when they hadn’t yet known each other and he had witnessed Jonah sneak out of the windows at school when he did just that again. The older boy chuckled as he helped him outside, not willing to let go of his waist just yet, but eventually pulled him along by the hand after making sure Jonah understood that his lingering gaze and touches didn’t mean nothing.
-
They’d ended up taking a drive in Jonah’s car.
“You know, technically, I’m not allowed to drive without someone older than 21 yet.” The nervous giggle really did nothing to reassure Zane who was already clutching the grab rail for dear life.
Jonah was a terrible driver. He was careless and uncoordinated and he didn’t even seem bothered by it himself. Zane couldn’t even focus on what he was saying, keeping his eyes glued on the road and feeling his heart pound in his chest for all the wrong reasons. He’d had to reel back the steering wheel twice now and before they could get stuck in the McDonald’s drive thru, he asked the younger boy to stop on the side of the road.
He let out a long breath and turned to Jonah, grabbing both of his shoulders.
“Please, let me drive?” Blue eyes widened and somehow became even rounder before they narrowed with a cute grin.
“You want to try my Jeep? Go ahead!”
…Sure. Let’s go with that. As long as Zane got to live another day.
They’d parked in front of the music store Zane worked in afterwards and took the brown paper bags with them to the riverside, settling down on a bench facing the calmly flowing water. In all honesty, it was already way too cold to enjoy spending time outside, but Zane thought it was a bit more romantic than eating in the car. So he sniffled and sat as close to Jonah as he could without actually touching him.
“So what’s with you and climbing out of windows?”
He’d just taken a bite of his limited-time only McRib when Zane posed the question and dipped a fry into Jonah’s milkshake, so the blond could only look at him cluelessly, tilting his head in question.
“Just, last year, I’ve seen you do it a couple of times in school. And today, you did it again. And in the drive thru, I thought you might fall out of the car ‘cause you were leaning out so far!” Zane chuckled as he counted off and unwrapped his Quarter Pounder. He remembered the weight of the younger boy against him as he leaned over him to pay, in satisfaction. Jonah’s cheeks and nose were already rosy from the cold, so Zane couldn’t tell if he was embarrassed by being caught, but it seemed as if he hadn’t realized this habit until now at least.
“Huh, I don’t know. People don’t expect an escape through the window, I guess? So I thought it’s inconspicuous in its flashiness,” he grinned and took a sip from his milkshake, “But this burger is seriously so good, do you want a bite?”
Zane almost said no in his usual cynicism, how many times will the McRib return for the final last time? But he caught himself just in time and took a bite right out of Jonah’s hands instead. Romance, he reminded himself. He licked his lips clean when he pulled back and Jonah’s cheeks definitely deepened in color. That only left Zane to smirk and swipe the barbecue sauce from Jonah’s cheek with his thumb.
“It really is.”
They talked some more about the horrible extra curricular economics and business classes Jonah had to take in his first year before he had realized his father actually did not care at all if he even attended. In turn, Zane confessed that he didn’t even know where his own dad was off to when he said he’d be at his second job. Time passed more quickly than Zane’d thought it would in this cold, and when it was time for his shift, he found himself unwilling to go. He lit a cigarette to buy a little more time and felt Jonah’s curious stare next to him. Breathing out slowly, he thought of their meeting behind the bleachers and offered it to the blond.
He took it carefully and Zane snorted.
“That really does not suit you at all.”
Jonah scrunched up his face and shook his head in defiance before taking an experimental drag. Zane watched in amusement as he tried to hold it in and his head turned red, his eyes eventually brimming with tears. Little coughs escaped him before the senior took the cigarette out of his lithe fingers and told him to let it out. Jonah did, releasing the white smoke amid more coughing, gripping the edge of the bench as he bent forward. In turn, Zane steadied him by holding down his neck, not letting the chance to lightly brush his thumb over the tender skin and silky hair go by.
“You actually did good. I’m impressed.”
He felt Jonah go rigid under his touch as he covered his mouth for the last few small coughs.
“Let’s try something a little easier on your throat next time, though.”
The twinkle in Zane’s eyes only grew more mischievous when Jonah’s red face turned towards him, his eyes full of excitement despite their wetness. He didn’t try to wriggle out of Zane’s hold either and so he kept his arm light around his shoulders and the back of the bench while he finished smoking.
“Ahh, I really don’t want to go to work now.”
The redhead leaned his head to the side and watched Jonah who had been unusually quiet and still. Was it too much? Did he scare him off again?
Slowly, Zane took his arm back and moved to stand up, clearing his throat awkwardly. He felt a soft tug on his jacket as the blond looked up to him with a shy smile.
“Can I come with? For a bit?”
-
“Pez! I’m going to the back real quick and then take over!”
They had walked in together, but Zane motioned for Jonah to wait for him at the counter. His boss, Pez (who was actually called Pedro), should have been somewhere around the store, probably rearranging the guitar picks by color again, so Zane hurried to put his stuff away in the small office space at the back of the store. He’d been working here for over three years and at this point, it felt like a second home to him. They made most of their revenue with CD and vinyl sales, but they also offered a small selection of instruments as well as basic equipment. Working here was nice, there wasn’t a lot going on in general and the customers usually were cool, too. Plus, Pez was rather laid back, so Zane could pretty much do as he pleased between unpacking new shipments and tidying up the place.
He found Jonah chatting away with his boss on the other side of the counter when he returned to the sales area. Pez was laughing his usual hearty laugh and had one big hand placed firmly on Jonah’s shoulder whose cheeks were dusted in a light pink color. Zane snorted as he approached the two of them, putting his work lanyard around his neck.
“Zane! You never told me you had such a charming friend!”, Pez exclaimed delightedly and Zane knew instantly he’d seen right through his intentions. He shrugged with a crooked smile and exchanged idle smalltalk before the man excused himself and left them alone.
“He lives upstairs with his wife and daughter,” Zane explained with a side glance to Jonah who hummed in response. The older boy smiled to himself. He’d been charmed by his boss’ easy and welcoming attitude when he first met him as well, and his tan skin and muscular arms definitely helped his case. Even if he was already in his late 40s, Pez kept a certain boyish charm and a friendly face that was shaped by likeable laugh lines. So, Zane could understand if Jonah was a little infatuated with him. He just shouldn’t… linger on him.
The two boys did a quick tour of the store and circled back to the second hand vinyls to play on the shop’s record player. Zane let Jonah choose first and the blond hesitatingly picked one out, holding it up gingerly to receive the older boy’s approval. He took it out of his hands with a smile and set it up for them, making Jonah bounce on his feet. He danced a little as he continued to browse the CDs and Zane couldn’t help but watch him move from the counter. He simply emanated this joy that made him irresistible to the emotionally reserved senior, an open cheerfulness that made him long for his warmth.
He continued to follow Jonah around with his eyes while he himself unpacked and organised new strings. He watched him move silently, how his fingers gently slid over CD covers and his eyes flit over the walls, took a mental note on which plectrum he picked out from the rest. Jonah hummed and sang along quietly to the music and finally ended behind a sample keyboard, pressing down on a few keys while smiling to himself. He’d said he didn’t want to disturb Zane while he worked, but his presence alone made it impossible for the redhead to not focus on him. And so, when the last notes of the album ended, he headed over to the junior after all, leaving the rest of the boxes unpacked and scattered on the floor.
“It kinda fits you, the keyboard,” Zane strolled over slowly but stopped with an arm resting on a shelf a few feet away, “but I can’t help you play it.”
Jonah looked up from the keys and laughed softly, “Then how about the bass instead?”
Zane skimmed the instruments on the walls and got down two acoustic guitars.
“How about we start with this?”
-
They’d moved to a quiet corner close to the register, even though it was as peaceful as usual. There were only a couple of customers buying CDs, no need for time consuming recommendations or customer service and Zane could just hop over to the checkout quickly when they called for him. Which left him more time to find excuses to touch Jonah’s smooth hands and accidentally knock knees. If the blond noticed, he didn’t say anything. He was way too focused on the guitar in his lap, actually trying very hard to learn. Zane hadn’t estimated him to be so serious about it, he wasn't necessarily the studious type at school after all. But he was quick to learn the basic chords Zane taught him and his fingers moved deftly, too.
“You learn quicker than even Otis did.” Zane played a little on his guitar, too, just a simple melody while Jonah went through the last chord progression again.
“Did you teach him, too?” The soft rose color betrayed how pleased he was by Zane’s praise as he put a hair strand behind his ear that had once again loosened.
Zane hummed and suddenly remembered his initial plan for today. He placed the guitar to the side and rearranged himself on the chair, putting one leg under the other and freeing the rumpled ticket from his backpocket.
“Yeah, I… I’ll introduce you guys,” he licked his lips and took a quick breath as he held out the little strip of paper to Jonah, “maybe if you’ll come to our gig in January?”
He took it warily, held it up to his face and read it carefully with wide eyes. Zane shoved a hand through his hair, feeling strangely embarrassed, and tried to deflect from his crappy arts ‘n craft project: “Well, the ticket’s not legit, but the concert is. It’s for the re-opening of the arcade. Uh, in the mall and I - I want you there.”
Jonah took a sharp breath at the last words and held the ticket close to his chest, a desperate sheen in his eyes. He leaned forward, clutching the paper and the guitar and looked right at Zane.
“Of course I’ll be there! Thank you so much for inviting me. That’s so sick. I’ll really treasure it.”
There wasn’t a single trace of a lie in his bright blue as he gently brushed over the dried ink, and Zane swallowed hard around the feelings that threatened to escape his throat. He closed the non-existent gap between them, their legs already touching, and took the instrument out of his hands, taking his fingers into his instead. They never once broke the eye contact between them as the redhead basically kneeled in front of the boy he’d been yearning for since April and Zane felt it all coming together in their burning fingertips and Jonah’s held breath.
A loud clatter shook them out of their reverie.
“Am I ready to rob the Northside now or are you just too distracted by blondie over here?”
Zane’s eyes went from the messy pile of CDs on the counter to that little shit Benji standing haughtily next to them. Embarrassingly enough, he hadn’t noticed him enter at all. Some time ago, Zane caught the now 10-year-old trying to shoplift something during his shift. He’d stopped and scolded him of course, chiding him for damaging a Southside store instead of stealing from the Northside. Somehow, it had become some sort of game between them ever since: a couple times a month, whenever Zane was in, Benji tried to take something without the part timer noticing it, and he had to stop him before he could get away with it in turn. Of course Zane mostly wanted to prevent him from getting caught doing stupid stuff until he hopefully lost interest, but he didn’t mind the distraction at work from time to time either. Well, usually at least - today really was not the day for it.
So, the overcompensating hit over the head was really deserved if you asked Zane.
-
Something between them had definitely shifted after that day. There were more secret smiles and deliberate touches, and with a thumping heart, Zane thought it kind of already felt like they were secretly dating. They didn’t cross paths in school as often as he’d like to, but it wasn’t anything like that time after the theater play. It didn’t feel awkward, they didn’t feel distant. Even though Zane had done it again, touched instead of talked, he knew Jonah leaned in too, this time. He knew they both wanted it to happen. There was just this one uncertainty left.
He’d gone home quickly afterwards, Zane could read the shy embarrassment on his face clearly, and they hadn’t had a moment alone since then. And that was a bit of a problem for the senior: He’d been very open with his sexuality from the start and he knew he could only afford that because he didn’t have anything to lose in this environment where he’d been on the bottom of the food chain anyway. There was no reputation to lose and the cowardly Northside kids were too scared of their own prejudice of the violent Southsiders to even try to bully him. But it was different for Jonah.
Zane hadn’t been a stranger to secret rendezvous and keeping people’s business to himself. Now, he realised he didn’t want that with Jonah. If they dated, he wanted it out in the open, wanted everyone to know not to get in their way. He didn’t want to be forced into a closet he’d never been in before. And Jonah, in front of people, wasn’t ready to show his feelings. It wasn’t that he acted like he didn’t know or like him, but he was keenly aware of those around them with every move, every word, every second spent too long.
This became especially clear to Zane on the evening of the Winter Gala their school held annually. Juniors and seniors had to act as servers during the grand dinner served to the school’s beneficiaries and their families while the director held a grand speech about the generosity and inclusiveness of Northside High. Zane hoped the irony wasn’t lost on anyone.
Since Senator Wilshire, Jonah’s father, was probably one of the biggest sponsors of the school, the junior attended as a guest rather than as a student. And this Jonah almost felt foreign to Zane. His face was frozen in an icy expression, no emotions showing for the whole evening. Even when Zane brought refills to their table, he didn’t even spare him a glance, letting his gaze wander over the tables and the stage. The firm hold he had on his glass told Zane he didn’t want to be there at all, though.
It frustrated him of course, seeing him like that, but. If he was being completely honest. He was also kind of hot. Had they been dating, Zane would have dragged him away into a quiet corner and messed up his slicked back hair, rumpled his expensive suit, left dark marks just over the fine linen of his dress shirt. To show everyone and his family that he belonged to him, to make his darned father pay attention to him in some way at least. The man really didn’t leave a good impression on the redhead, from the way he coldly treated the working students to the lofty attitude he assumed around his own family.
This was a man who had a very high opinion of himself and wanted everyone else to think that way about him, too. Zane couldn’t say he felt particularly sorry that he got hurt in the sudden explosion caused by the old and faulty furnace that same night.
Maybe it was some sort of karma getting back at him for having such thoughts, but he spent the whole two weeks of winter break in bed with the highest fever he’d ever had. He tuned in and out of consciousness and his clothes stuck disgustingly to his body drenched in sweat. It added to the uncomfortable feeling of the sticky sheets as he tossed and turned around and pulled at his clothes whenever he was aware of his surroundings. Zane felt like he was dying and he wondered if the sliver of red he saw outside his window occasionally was actually the harbinger of death himself. It got so bad, his mother even decided to stay home to take care of him despite this time of the year being the busiest in the hospital.
He hadn’t had a clue how much time had passed, but in the end he missed both Christmas and New Years. Faintly, he could remember his mother’s weeping figure beside his bed, brushing his wet hair out of his face and wiping his skin with a cold towel. On Saturday, two days before the long awaited concert day, he finally regained his senses and strangely felt better than ever before. Sure, his eyes still stung with unconsciously shed tears and his body ached from disuse, but as he lay in his bed, the soft morning light filtering through his curtains, he was filled with the sudden feeling of renewal.
At his mother’s insistence, he spent the rest of the day at home. He’d worried her so much, he could tell from her reddened eyes and tense shoulders, he didn’t have the heart to tell her no. Instead, he used the day to air out his room, take care of himself and answer missed messages. Apparently, Rob and Otis had been around during his fever fit, and so he answered their New Year's greetings with a simple ‘I lived’. Jonah received a more appropriate update and wishes for the new year ahead. He truly felt good about himself when he laid down that night, freshly showered, in his clean new sheets, as if he had left everything bad behind.
If only that feeling had turned out to be true.
-
Rob didn’t show up for practice the next day. He hadn’t answered Zane’s text either, but that wasn’t unusual, especially when they were supposed to meet anyway.
However, after Otis and Zane had waited for an hour without even getting through to his phone, they couldn’t attribute it to a simple hangover anymore. Calling his sister Tilda didn’t help, in fact it only made them more worried. Apparently, he had moved out some weeks prior, without even telling his best friends, and she’d assumed he went to live with their father since he had a better relationship to him than to their mother. All they could hope for was that this turned out to be true and that Mick Rogers had a clue where Rob was.
“This is actually bad.”
They were still in their garage unit, unsure what to do without Rob. After having settled on a setlist and playing through the songs without drums, which honestly felt useless, they’d packed up and hovered around the exit, silently hoping for a clarifying phone call. Otis wasn’t usually the type to worry or show much emotions at all, so seeing him nervous made Zane feel even worse about the situation.
“He- he’ll be back. Maybe he was crashing somewhere after a New Year’s party or something.” Zane didn’t even believe his own words, so he didn’t take Otis’ disbelief amiss.
“...It’s just a really bad time in general. We - there will be an event at the junkyard on Thursday. Rob’s dad actually invited us to play, they call it Battle of the Bands. No clue why so suddenly, but they decided to organize it within the last two weeks when you were out of it. Rob said you’d definitely want to do it when you were better so we signed up for it. Shit, there's gonna be people from labels and stuff.”
Zane’s heart pounded hard, but his feelings were mixed at that point. It sounded like an amazing opportunity, but without their drummer, what kind of impression would they leave? Embarrassing themselves was worse than not performing at all. His mouth felt dry as he swallowed thickly. He had to think.
“Let’s… do one step at a time. Okay. There’s no way we can find someone to sub in for tomorrow. So we’ll arrange something on your laptop. It’s just for the mall, they won’t even notice. We’ll think about Thursday afterwards. Okay?” He didn’t speak his solution for Thursday out loud, but he knew Otis caught the implication.
Otis nodded albeit unsurely and grabbed his things: “Then we have no time to waste.”
All of Zane’s newly received energy went into working through their band issues and trying his best to repress the worry for his best friend. At least the task at hand posed as a good distraction from it and took up enough of their time to prevent them from falling into an anxious frenzy. He was glad he had at least some kind of experience with the arrangement program thanks to his tech work for theater club. Queuing music and building it were completely different levels, but he learnt quickly, and online tutorials helped, too.
At least they managed to finish before Zane had to go to school the next day. Tilda’s update that their dad didn’t know where Rob was did nothing to soothe their nerves.
-
He stopped by the corner store to buy some coffee to get himself through the day before school, and if his eyes got caught on a familiar pink can which he bought, too, well who could really blame him? Even though he felt pretty lost right now, all he could do was wait for new information from Rob and Tilda’s dad who promised to look into things. Wasn’t it okay to want to calm himself down by thinking about the one he felt safest with at that moment? Looking forward to seeing Jonah was the only thing that got him through the seemingly never ending first day back at school. He practically jumped when the bell finally sounded.
The blond came down the white marble stairs as one of the last students and Zane actually stopped breathing for a second. He’d always been pretty, but now, he seemed kind of ethereal and he couldn’t tear his eyes away from Jonah even if he wanted to. His pale skin was glowing and his eyes seemed a brighter shade of sparkling blue, pulling him in and not letting him go. Zane discreetly held onto the pillar at the foot of the steps to steady himself while trying to get a hold of his thoughts. Jonah smiled and rushed downstairs faster when he spotted Zane and God, had it really been that long since they’d seen another or did he really never catch the adorable pointy canine catching on his bottom lip?
His voice sounded raspy to himself as he greeted the junior, making simple smalltalk about the past holidays and classes before remembering the lukewarm can in his hand. Honestly, he didn’t only bring the peach flavored energy drink with him because it made him think of the younger boy. He also hoped it might help Jonah connect Zane’s song to himself later on. Because of course he couldn’t just say it to him straight up, no.
“So are you still up for the concert later?” Zane rested his head against cool marble and tried his best not-too-obvious puppy eyes. He counted Jonah’s giggles as a sure win.
“Yeah, of course! I wouldn’t miss it for the world,” he said and clutched the drink to his chest, “I’m super excited already, Milly and I are gonna go get some new clothes for it!”
Let’s hope they won’t match again, Zane couldn’t help but think. What he said out loud was a more placative “You look good in whatever you wear” which earned him reddened cheeks and wide eyes. He bit his lower lip and took over putting Jonah’s loose hair strand behind his ear for him before bidding his farewell, feeling lighter than before.
-
Only when he saw Tilda walk in while shaking her head did Zane realize he had still secretly hoped Rob would arrive last minute, unharmed and well.
“It’ll be okay. You know if anything, dad has the best network to figure out what’s going on in Tvill.” He knew Tilda was right and it helped knowing she was here, too, trying to enjoy herself. It made the guilt subside for a bit.
Only when he felt that weight lift off his shoulders a little bit did he acknowledge the bizarre combination of the group in front of him: Jonah and his best friend Milly, though dressed in the newest Hot Topic clothes, the epitome of the Northside; alongside two girls with colorful hair, Tilda and Josie, Southsiders through and through. He knew three of them were classmates at least, but he hadn’t known they were friendly enough to go out together. He smiled to himself as he watched Jonah pay for their drinks as he set up his microphone.
It wasn’t the same, performing without Rob, and Zane could tell their energy was off. But it had to do and it was still fun to sing his heart out. They stuck with their decision to debut Peachboy and Jonah shone brightly on the dark dancefloor, the colors of the strobe lights fleeing about his face. As he sang the lyrics, Zane became acutely aware that there was absolutely no way the blond wouldn’t realize it was about him and the thought scared him as much as it thrilled him. He felt awfully vulnerable, but it was too late to take it back at that point anyway. Instead, he put his all into getting it across and letting the crowd have a good time at the least. Seeing the absolute joy radiating off of Jonah that pulled together the rest of the unlikely group, filled Zane’s heart with warmth and etched a permanent grin on his own face.
Feeling fuzzy, like a goddamn cliché
Orbiting around you, feeling your gravity
About 40 minutes later, Zane thanked their audience for coming to see them and plugged their socials, thinking how proud Rob would have been of him for remembering to do so. Sweaty and exhausted, but filled with post-performance adrenaline, they began packing up while the mall owner officially re-opened the doors to the arcade for the visitors. With a happy thump of the heart, Zane noticed a few of the people leaving right away while chatting excitedly and he wondered if they had truly come only to listen to them. His mood improved even more when he saw Jonah and Tilda’s group wait for them on the side.
They were greeted with loud praise (Jonah) and quieter acknowledgment from the others and somehow they managed to all get acquainted with one another. Milly seemed a bit lost in the group but Jonah made up for her reservation easily, even getting Otis to chat about some video games with him on their way to the arcade. Zane tried his best to return the favor with Milly, but he got the feeling she didn’t like him all that much, so he left her to Tilda who also didn’t get a lot out of her in his defense.
“I heard Rob’s MIA, yeah? As a drummer myself, I must say I missed the energy, but you guys did as best as you could without him.”
Zane knew Josie from the same trailer park the Riley’s lived in too, and as Benji’s older sister actually, but he hadn’t known she was a drummer, too. It felt horribly unfair to Rob, but it seemed like a stroke of fate at that moment. He didn’t hesitate to ask her if she could sub in on Thursday if worst came to worst.
“I know it’s a lot, asking you to learn our songs on such short notice. But I heard there’s prize money, too, if we win. We could share it evenly. Even if Rob shows up on time.” He added the last bit after seeing her sceptical expression and it seemed to work as intended.
Zane didn’t have a clue if they had any chance of winning, he didn’t even know what other bands would perform. Probably some regulars from the Scorpion's Nest. But it seemed enough for Josie and they agreed to meet up the next two days to practise together. With that worry out of the way, he joined in the others’ conversation, trying to stop the worst of the band name suggestions from sticking. There wasn’t the time and space to talk to Jonah alone, but Zane still rode out his performance high, enjoying the shared laughter and the feeling of belonging instead. He was surprised that he could picture this life easily in his future, too, especially when the one empty spot next to him would be rightfully filled again.
-
Around lunch time on Tuesday, there was a rumor going around that caught Zane’s attention. Apparently, Tilda Riley had vanished into the bushes with a grown man during second period and got violent with him. The last part threw Zane off, but he knew there was just one person that could have made her act this way if there was any truth to it at all.
He’d hoped for good news despite the apparent hostile nature of their meeting, but when he got confirmation from Tilda that their dad, Mick Rogers, had really shown up at school, he wasn’t sure how to categorise the new information. The good thing was that Rob was in good health. He was just also in jail for suspected drug dealing. It completely threw Zane off and he understood immediately why Tilda had hit her dad. He hadn’t met Mick Rogers a lot, the man was shrouded in mystery, but everyone on the Southside knew about the man in one way or the other. He was the man in charge of any and all activity on the Southside and if Rob had indeed circulated drugs - well, it seemed likely that it was on behalf of his dad. Apparently, that had not been the case as he’d told his daughter after their altercation.
“I’ll check if I can visit him after school. Don’t get your hopes up, though, he’s still on remand after all.”
Zane could only nod weakly and update Otis via text. If possible, he wanted to talk to Rob himself, so he didn’t tell his sister to inform him about Josie or Thursday. Hopefully, this all turned out to be just a big misunderstanding because if Rob really participated in this stupid stunt, knowing full well that this could turn everything they’d worked for so far to shit… He didn’t want to think about it thoroughly. At least they knew he was safe for now.
The day only got weirder when Milly’s (and Jonah’s?) friend from the Halloween party approached him during his smoke behind the bleachers. Third floor bathrooms were currently under maintenance so he actually had to endure the cold outside. He’d noticed the lively atmosphere in the cafeteria earlier, but he’d thought nothing of it until Heather Brooks, who had inherited her sister’s Queen Bee status, officially invited him to a belated Homecoming Rave at the Sling that very night.
“I think Milly and… Jonah would really appreciate you coming. I’ll put you on the list if you decide to come.”
Her voice had been soft and sultry in a way that made Zane uncomfortable even though she put no pressure on him to actually answer. Just what was going on? There was absolutely no way Milly herself requested him to come, not even after they’d hung out the other day. So did Jonah ask for him to be invited…? If that was the case, he couldn't just not go, right?
He didn’t have the time to check in with Jonah beforehand since he had to hurry over to their emergency band practice but he supposed he could just go anyway and leave if he didn’t find him there.
-
Josie wasn’t Rob, but she adapted quickly. Personality wise, the two of them really weren’t all too different in the first place: loud, boisterous, self assured. That didn’t mean their playing styles were the same and Josie was headstrong, too. Her style wasn’t bad, but Zane didn’t think they’d get along musically in the long run. She was also pretty laid back about the whole thing, not worrying too much about getting everything perfectly right and he supposed that was fair enough. As long as her energy matched theirs on the day of the performance and she knew their songs, they should be okay. At least that’s what he hoped.
Thankfully, Josie had to take over the night shift at work, so Zane didn’t have to feel too bad about not using the full day for practice. Of course Otis didn’t want to accompany him to the Sling, but he did agree to drive him once more.
“If everything goes smoothly, you won’t have to pick me up again tonight. Juust kidding.” He added the last part after a look at the brunette’s stern face behind the steering wheel. Otis seemed unusually tense and serious and Zane didn’t know how to handle that.
“I actually like him,” he finally said and Zane flinched subconsciously, “so don’t fuck it up this time.”
He hadn’t told them anything that had happened between Jonah and him since he played them Peachboy for the first time, but he guessed seeing them together at the mall was enough for Otis to get the picture. Zane nodded and felt his cheeks grow warm. The rest of the car ride passed by in silence, the radio filling in the gaps with shitty pop songs and warnings about tonight’s snow storm. Even when Zane had thanked him and unbuckled his seat belt, his oldest friend didn’t take his eyes off of the old industrial building ahead of them.
“I have a bad feeling about this. Promise me you’ll call tonight no matter what happens. If I need to get you, or if you go home with someone else, no matter who.”
The whole thing felt eerily ominous to Zane and despite the implied chiding, he found himself nodding again, one hand on the door handle. Here went nothing.
-
In stark contrast to the year before, the Sling was bustling with people that night. Many Northside High alumni were still in town for Christmas break and filled the big room alongside students and younger adults. Zane thought he’d even spotted his English teacher near the lounges, so he decided to move to the bar for now to get a drink. It was weird, being able to just walk in here without needing to persuade the bouncer or sneak in without being noticed. Being here all alone. He craned his neck to get a good look on the dancefloor and the upper lounges where he guessed Jonah and the popular kids would be, but he couldn’t find the familiar blond hair anywhere. Maybe he was just too early.
He’d spent more of his sparse cash on shots to get enough of a buzz to head to the dancefloor and chose a spot with a good view of the entrance. If you asked him, Zane wasn’t a good dancer at all. He wasn’t scared to move his body to the rhythm, but he had more experience dancing with somebody else for more… sensual reasons than on his own. Tonight, he tried to keep to himself, closing his eyes and feeling the music in his limbs. The alcohol helped, but it couldn’t compare to the rush he felt when he finally saw Jonah enter with some tall, tan guy. Zane usually wasn’t the jealous type, or so he’d thought, but with Jonah, he’d been on edge because he never certainly knew where they stood.
Thankfully, his mood was only dampened for a second because the blond turned his way the second he heard Zane call his name and saw him head towards him. He met him halfway with an affectionate smile, all focus on Zane and Zane alone.
Jonah sure loved to dress for the occasion, and even the dumbest clothes suited him in turn. He chose an oversized tanktop, ratty skinnies and a godforsaken snapback he even wore the wrong way around for this party. His hoodie jacket hung loose around his upper arms, revealing rosy shoulders and inviting Zane to put his arm around them possessively. It really shouldn’t have looked that good to Zane, but somehow Jonah just pulled it off.
“Let’s go dance?” He smiled down at the blond and pulled him towards the crowd, relishing in the way he easily let himself be led away by Zane.
They got sidetracked on their way by Jordan who offered them his goods at ridiculous prices. It had been Zane’s idea, getting something special to let loose but there was no way he could afford any of it. The dealer’s grin told him he was consciously setting the amount based on his buyers and Jonah didn’t even bat an eye when buying their two center shocks. Zane didn’t indulge often, he didn’t really have the money for it, but he knew the effects of the sweet party drugs were mild, they made you feel lighter without losing yourself in them. The cool part was the colorful lights they made you see and he was hoping it added to Jonah’s expectations of a kiss like in the movies. He felt bad about not being able to buy them himself, but Jonah looked so happy next to him, he tried to not let it get to him.
“Ready?” At Jonah’s nod, he held out the thin sheet in front of himself and placed it demonstratively on his tongue, poking it out slightly so the other could see it starting to melt. Jonah copied his moves and waited expectantly, looking up to him with big, curious eyes.
Again, he guided him even further into the crowd by the hand and only stopped when he felt like they were being swallowed by the crowd. The music that night was good, and his company even better. He didn’t know how much time actually passed as they jumped and spun around together, getting more sweaty and closer by the minute. Zane was breathless and he didn’t even care to wonder if it was because of all the dancing or simply being together with Jonah. There were hands on his arms, on his shoulders, around his neck and the colors dancing around them were bright and whimsical. His heart was close to bursting with feelings and he closed the distance between their foreheads, resting there for a moment as his hands crossed loosely behind Jonah’s neck. He was out of breath and smiled down at the blond, honest and smitten, and Jonah returned it just the same. In this moment, he felt safe and sure about everything and he slowly moved in, the younger boy practically melting into him, when they were suddenly disturbed - once again.
If Zane didn’t know it any better, he’d say they were cursed or doomed to stay in this predating stage forever. He felt frustrated, but ultimately he couldn’t stop Jonah from stumbling away with his best friend. He didn’t want to force him to come out and he didn’t want him to do anything he wasn’t comfortable with, but. One moment he was having the time of his life, and the next he looked like he was struck like an abandoned puppy in fear of being caught, and led away. Was it so wrong for Zane to want for both of them to choose happiness?
Zane was left to himself and felt a bit lost. He couldn’t get back into enjoying himself after his anchor was taken away from him. Maybe that was the reason why he didn’t think properly about following the summoning to the second floor lounges.
-
As if Jonah’s sheepish departure had foretold the rest of their night, everything else went from bad to horrible in a matter of not even 15 minutes, too.
He’d just stepped off the stairs when two hands wound around his neck, pulling him down towards whom he barely recognized as Heather Brooks. It happened so quickly, he didn’t even have time for expletives or shoving her away before her lips touched his, followed by an instant “Kiss me” said in a ice cold voice that sent the most uncomfortable shiver down his spine. He wanted to scoff, wanted to run, wanted to defend his body from once again being touched in a way he didn’t want. And yet, he couldn’t stop his hands from moving automatically, saw them moving up to her head with that disgusting smirk etched onto her face. He internally screamed for it to stop, desperately willed his body to listen to him but it was no use. The last thing he was conscious for before he completely shut down was another command, “Swallow it”, and his body obliged.
He came to himself again much later, sticky and sweaty, not unlike the week prior, and his hands were shaking, tightly holding on to the steering wheel in front of him. He didn’t know where he was, it was cold and dark and so eerily silent, but he forced his dry eyes away from his pale hands and recognized the car instantly. It could only be Jonah’s beloved white Jeep, crashed against a tree near the same riverside they’d driven to all those weeks before. The shivers then extended from his hands to his whole body and not even holding himself tightly helped the shaking. He was completely alone in the car even when he turned around and he didn’t know if that was for the better or the worse. Hazy pictures were stuck in the back of his mind, hooded silhouettes in the backseats, carrying a limp figure, and he had to stumble out of the car before he became sick from the stale air in the enclosed space.
His hands were still trembling when he got out his phone to - he didn’t even know, find out what was going on, call for help, do anything but stand there aimlessly, but it was shattered just like his memories of the last hours. Just like his own mind, it wasn’t working, and more images came back to him, but echoes of what did he do, what happened, where is Jonah? took up the forefront of his thoughts, interlaced with visions of scared blue eyes. Zane’s head was throbbing and his heart went too fast for his ribcage, pounding as if it wanted to escape and so he did - he started running, didn’t even fully know where to, just, away, far away from the solid prove he’d once again fucked up colossaly. He forced his body to move faster, pushed it until his lungs were burning and his eyes wet, he ran and ran, his feet hitting the ground hard with every step until they weren’t anymore. He felt the now familiar burning sensation of his body, rising from his feet to his fingertips until the heat turned from scorching to soothing, enveloping him in a warm blanket to shield him away from his own panicking thoughts until his mind was blank.
-
The second time he woke up, he was huddled up in the furthest corner of his bed, safely at home, and for just a moment, he hoped it had all just been a fucked up dream.
“You didn’t call.“
Otis' voice came muffled from the edge of his bed and Zane’s eyes flitted over to his best friend, wide and shaky. There was no anger behind the words, no disappointment, just an explanation why he was here. He didn’t know how long he’d been out of it this time, but he felt even more tired than before, his muscles ached, his mouth was dry. Weakly, he searched for his broken phone and showed it to Otis who just nodded and turned his body towards him, slowly removing the blanket around his head.
“You’re bleeding, Zane.” He didn’t raise his voice and yet, it was laced with shock, maybe even fear.
He brushed his fringe away and out of his face and more than the apparent wound, Zane’s eyes stung as tears filled them up again. His voice broke, coming out weak and miserable.
“I don’t remember. The last hours are just gone, Otis. I don’t even know if he’s okay, I wrecked his fucking car!”
He inhaled sharply and stopped Otis’ hands from searching his head for more damage, there really were more fucking important things right now than a little blood on his forehead. He couldn’t stop the words from clumsily falling out of his mouth and in a rambled mess, he told Otis everything he could remember from start to finish, from good to fucking nightmare, from finding Jonah to losing him, literally and metaphorically. What if the unconscious person in the back of the car had been him? What if he had hurt him? He was scared, he was fucking terrified. Sobs wrecked through his body as he clutched his hair in his hands.
The brunette fiddled with his phone and then dropped his shoes to the floor, settling in the middle of the bed and pulling Zane right next to him. He was careful when he rearranged the blanket around them and he was gentle when he pushed Zane’s head down onto his shoulder. He wouldn’t admit it, but in this moment, Zane preferred to be handled with care, liked the soft affection he could feel with every touch. He needed something to ground him, something that made him feel like he wasn’t a total fuckup. By the time he had shed his last tears, feeling completely hollow, Otis’ phone vibrated next to their linked hands on top of the blanket. Zane fought the urge to dive for it and let Otis pick it up instead.
“Jonah is okay. He’s at school at the moment.” The older boy turned his phone around so Zane could see the text message from Tilda, short but precise, and Zane felt a weight lift off his chest.
“Oh, thank God” He let out a rattling breath and dug the palms of his hands into his eye sockets, pushing back the feeling of burning eyes.
“Can I please worry about you now? You were drugged and you’re bleeding for God’s sake! We should be rushing you to the hospital to get your head checked out, honestly.”
“I’m fine. The blood’s all dried up and I don’t feel like vomiting. I’m just exhausted.” Zane didn’t move his hands from his eyes, but he knew Otis looked at him unimpressed.
“At least take a shower and, well, examine yourself. You know. You’re missing hours of memories, anything could have happened.”
The redhead finally looked at his friend who was nervously fiddling with the blanket, but stared at him with intent, not backing down. Zane was instantly reminded of prom night, how his two best friends cried with him, and he simply couldn’t brush off Otis’ concerns anymore. He nodded with a blank expression and heaved himself out of bed, his bones protesting his every move. His body was heavy and he felt the exertion from running, couldn’t deny the bumps and bruises from the car crash of course, but he’d know if something… worse had happened. A shower didn’t sound half bad, though.
Compartmentalize. Rationalize. Breathe in. Breathe out.
The warm stream of water hitting his shoulders felt good. As he’d thought, there were no signs of struggle on his body and if he’d been driving the car, he must have been awake enough to walk around and therefore be able to defend himself. He had no clue what kind of drug could do that but then again, he didn’t know what the rich got up to and had access to. But, it definitely was strange. He thought about golden wings and passing tree tops and couldn’t shake the feeling that something bigger was happening in their shithole of a town.
“I think I flew home.”
He’d stepped out of the bathroom, toweling his hair, and gauged Otis’ reaction while he dished out some sandwiches. As expected, he stared at him exasperatedly and sighed at their food.
“You sure you don’t want to go to the ER?”
-
He’d rewritten his text message to Jonah on one of those free text message websites at least 5 times when he finally gave up. Not only would he have to ask Tilda for his number again anyways, he also couldn’t condense and properly explain everything that had happened in just 160 characters. It wouldn’t be right to run from him by hiding behind a screen anyway. But he was also scared to face him in person.
It was already late in the afternoon when Otis, who had insisted he wouldn’t leave Zane’s side today in case he did have a concussion after all, turned on the TV and switched to the news channel. Zane sat still and unmoving as the woman on the screen spoke about vanished children, roadblocks in Tvill, and a body found in the river. His face was drained of any color and he didn’t dare to breathe, he could only stare at the red and white tape shown on TV and fixated on the tiny speck of white metal in the corner of the frame he was certain had to be the Jeep. He was cold all over and could barely muster the will to turn his head to Otis when he spoke.
“They’re raiding the trailerpark, saying they’re looking for drugs. Josie’s asking for shelter in our garage.” Otis himself looked shaken, but he tried to keep to his steadiness, probably for Zane’s sake. “I- you probably shouldn’t-”
Zane nodded slowly. They didn’t know what or who they were really looking for. His mind raced a mile a minute with possibilities; they could actually be looking for the missing kids, or it might really be the drugs after Rob had been taken into custody for alleged dealing. But it was also likely that they were looking for the driver of the crashed car found at the scene, could be on the lookout for himself. He hoped Jonah wasn’t in trouble because of him.
“Can she meet us there?”
-
“The audactiy of those fucking pigs! We all know they’re just doing this to use the Southside as fucking scapegoats! My little brother is fucking missing, too, they should use their fucking forces to search for him, not for doing fucking ‘drug raids’!”
Josie had been pacing the small room since she had arrived and as much as Zane could understand her, she also made him increasingly nervous. She’d come with new information though. Apparently, the found body most likely belonged to a girl from Tilda’s class, Mona, and Zane could only answer Otis’ imploring look with a weak shaking of the head. He’d never heard of her before, didn’t have a visual to go with the name. Not that it helped.
They’d set up camp in the practice room for now. It felt weird to be making music in the midst of all of this, but they didn’t feel comfortable roaming around outside with the police occupying the Southside. Otis got them food and drinks, but other than that the three of them stayed holed up inside. From the sounds of it, Battle of the Bands would still take place, judging by the setting up of various stages and vendor stalls on the nearby trashyard grounds. The atmosphere surrounding them remained somber, though, and they mostly got lost in their own heads.
Thankfully, Thursday morning brought a much needed, pleasant surprise. They’d still been sleeping, split up into two corners, when a loud rattling noise shook through the tiny space. At first, Zane was in fight or flight mode, ready to bolt at the sight of the authorities, but then he recognized the familiar slouch of his best friend. After a collective stumped moment of grasping the situation, the three of them met up in the middle of their familiar little world, awkwardly hugging it out.
-
“So let me get this straight, we’ve got running from the police, possibly drug induced car crash, straight out of prison and hiding possible criminals all in one place?” Rob pointed at each one of them and whistled lowly, “Hashtag just Southside struggles.”
As absurd as the whole situation was, all three of their heads shot up as Rob finished his sentence. He knew they instantly agreed: That was it. The same stupid grin formed on their faces as Zane got out his shabby little notebook and wrote down the two words in capital letters.
With Rob getting out due to lack of concrete evidence, there was at least one worry less weighing on Zane’s mind. It also felt good having him with them again. Otis had been more than helpful of course, but Rob’s personality just lightened up the mood as soon as he entered the scene, made everything feel not as serious as it was. In the time the four of them were stuck there together, it really felt as if everything might just be okay. With this new found hope, Zane wrote down his feelings in a corner of the room while the other three jammed together, playing around with upbeat melodies and powerful drums.
It was the fastest they’d ever finished writing a song.
-
Even though Josie wasn’t going to perform with them anymore, she still went along to help with the setup. The roads between North- and Southside were still being monitored, but the trashyard was already bustling with people. If the timing wasn’t so off, the impromptu festival would have really been amazing. There were three different stages as well as multiple food stalls and other tables for knicknacks. How they pulled all this off in this short time and with free entry on top of it all was really beyond Zane.
He was incredibly nervous. Not even for the show itself, it still felt weird to just continue with life as usual amidst all of what was happening; and also not about being recognized. If the police had had any clue about him, they wouldn’t have searched in the trailer park but would have come to his flat instead. No, he was mostly nervous about Jonah showing up. He couldn’t blame him at all if he’d given up this thing between them, was too disappointed in Zane, couldn’t forgive him. But he still hoped, prayed to see him tonight, to finally patch up everything that had gone wrong.
The sun had already started to set when they were bound to begin their performance and he’d still not spotted him in the ever-growing crowd. He’d still give it his all even if he didn’t come, he couldn’t let even the tiniest chance of making it out of Tvill go to waste after all. But he couldn’t deny his heart wouldn’t be in it the same way as if the one person he wanted to hear him the most was present. He closed his eyes and stepped up to the microphone on shaky legs. Taking a deep breath, he filtered out any unnecessary thoughts and shouted his greeting on an exhale.
“Good evening, Tvill! We’re Southside Struggles and this is our newest song, Phoenix!”
They started playing without counting in, Rob hitting the drums as hard as he could and Otis joining his side for the starting instrumental part, working so seamlessly you wouldn’t have thought they’d created the song mere hours before. Zane felt really good about the performance and when he went back to the microphone, his heart stuttered back to life once more. He wasn’t dancing, but - Jonah was there in the crowd, was there for him once again, to support him, and he couldn’t take his eyes off him in fear he might vanish if he did. Zane performed solely for him at this point, even if Jonah’s expression was torn and he stubbornly refused to move although his body couldn’t help but try to betray himself.
Zane was glad he was here at all, and even though the younger boy tried to show his displeasure, he kept his eyes fixated on the redhead, too. At that point, he’d been sure that they were going to be okay if they just talked, but then, during their second song, Jonah left with his friends and he couldn’t see where they were going once they turned the corner, and Zane honestly considered running after him, to stop him, to make him stay.
With clenched teeth and a sinking feeling in his stomach, he decided to continue the performance instead. He shouldn’t let this chance go to waste after all… right?
-
They got to play three more songs before they left the stage with loud applause and cheering, but it didn’t make Zane as happy as it usually did. He buried his face in a towel and pressed his fingers into his eyes when Otis bumped his elbow into his side. Before he could complain about it, he followed the direction of his nod to see none other than Jonah off to the side, clearly waiting for them - for him - to come down. He hurried to him, leaving anything else to his best friends and came face to face with doubtful eyes. He wanted to apologize immediately, but Jonah was faster:
“Why didn’t you text me?!”
He was definitely upset, but the mundanity of the complaint took Zane off guard. By the time his brain had caught up with the question, Jonah continued once again.
“I saw you kiss Heather! How could you- Weren’t we-” He ground his teeth together and there was a light sheen in his eyes. Zane grabbed his wrists to make him focus on his face on impulse.
“I didn’t even want that! She just did that! And then I couldn’t-” It was frustrating how much all of this felt like excuses, even though they really weren’t. “I also broke my phone Tuesday night. I’m sorry, Jonah. ”
He held it out for Jonah to see and saw the gears turning in the blond’s head.
“...Let’s do truth for truth, okay? No more secrets.” Zane nodded eagerly, ready to get everything off his chest. “Did Heather… say anything specific after she kissed you? Like a command? Give you a task?”
Zane was taken aback by the suspicious accuracy of the question but he nodded slowly nevertheless. “She… To kiss her. And then to swallow something. Some kind of drug probably, I- I don’t remember much afterwards, but. I crashed your car, Jonah, and I’m so, so sorry.”
He looked at the younger boy pleadingly, but to his surprise, he didn’t seem angry at Zane at all, but directed his curses at Heather instead. Zane wasn’t sure what was going on so all he could do was look at Jonah, lost and confused, until he looked straight at him again.
“This might sound crazy, but I’ve got like vampire powers.” Zane could only stare at him with wide eyes, but he knew he was being completely serious. He swallowed thickly and nodded again, this whole conversation kind of felt like a fever dream, so if he didn't confirm things with himself, he felt like he’d go crazy. Quietly, he also wondered if Jonah had realized he wasn’t worth all the hassle, was so disappointed in him that he made up this lie to scare him off. Before he could speak his suspicion into existence, or say something crazy like I can maybe turn into a bird, Jonah seemed to sense he couldn’t really work with that. He chewed on his lower lip and offered another truth instead: “I don’t like girls.”
Usually, Zane didn't need his invitations spelled out for him - but these four words made his remaining uncertainty vanish into thin air. He still wanted this, and all Zane had to do was reach out his hand for him to take it.
“Well, I like you.”
His feelings were finally out in the open and he had never been so thankful before as in the moment Jonah reached out his hands to wrap around his head and pull him in. He’d fantasized about this moment for months, but nothing could have ever compared to the emotions that whirled around in his body when Jonah’s soft lips finally touched his. He took a wet breath before diving in headfirst, getting lost in the feeling and sounds of Jonah Wilshire. He finally got to tangle his hands in the soft blond hair at his neck and press his body as close as possible to the smaller boy. He didn’t want to spare even a second to take a breath, wanted to keep touching. His body felt as light as if he were floating, like that time his feet left the ground behind on that awful Tuesday night.
He wasn’t sure if this was like a kiss in the movies for Jonah, but for Zane it felt like nothing he’d ever experienced before. There was overflowing affection, love, pouring out into every touch of his lips, of his hands, and he dimly feared he might get drunk from kissing Jonah. He wanted to swallow all of the cute noises he blond made, to keep them to himself alone, and he knew he was already struggling to breathe, but he couldn’t let him go just yet- Until the world seemed to literally come crashing down on them and he was physically forced to stop.
Zane was not sure at all what was happening exactly, but Jonah, despite the lovedrunk expression on his face, seemed to be kicked into motion immediately. He grabbed Zane by the hand and ran full force, answering his sputtered question with a simple “We have to get my friends!” and even when they stood before them, turned to literal stone, he only ground his teeth and pulled Zane along to some secret hideout underground. Everything after was a blur to Zane. There was a fight and death and all he could concentrate on was his own primal fear and cowardice compared to the tiny body in front of him fighting for dear life to protect what was important to him. While all Zane could do was cry internally about why they just couldn’t seem to catch a break, Jonah stood strong and steady and victorious. All Zane could do was pick up some of his pieces afterwards, put his powers to good use for Jonah, be a shoulder for the blond to lean on afterwards, when his father was no more.
-
He wouldn’t say life returned to being normal just like that, but everyone sure was desperate to act like it. They still had to return to school and that stupid annual celebration the very next day, even if people had died and souls had shattered. Zane was surprised to see Jonah show up after spending the rest of the last night at the police station, explaining the fucked up supernatural happenings. He wanted to be there for him in any way he'd let him, but once again it was Jonah who surprised him by taking the first step. Even though they were surrounded by their whole school, he kissed him softly, slowly, while standing on his tippy toes, ignoring any weird looks and shocked noises around them. Zane buried him in his chest afterwards, glaring at anyone who dared to even try to sneak a peek at the trembling boy in his arms.
Thankfully, his mom worked the evening shift that day and he could bring Jonah over to his place. He wanted to take him away from anything bad that could happen to him, wanted to keep him safely tucked away in his small bedroom where nobody would ever find him. At first, he hadn’t been sure if he could hold back when he finally had permission to touch him, but seeing Jonah so small and tired with red rimmed eyes, all he could think about was to hold him gently and soothe the wrinkles on his forehead. The exhaustion finally caught up to them while they were talking quietly, all cuddled up in bed. Jonah fit into his side perfectly and even though his childhood bed barely fit two grown people, the two of them seemed to be just made for it together.
They hadn’t planned on Jonah staying overnight in the first place, but the bed still felt too empty when Zane woke up alone the next morning. He could hear his mom bustling about outside his door and grimaced at the thought of Jonah sneaking out because he didn’t want to be seen by her. The Booses didn’t usually eat together, mainly because of their contrary schedules, but even when they were home at the same time like now, they often didn’t bother to make time for each other. Zane was just about to turn around to face the wall when his door opened and a refreshed looking blond poked his head inside.
“Oh good, you’re awake! Carmen made breakfast, so let’s go eat!”
Zane blinked once, twice, but Jonah didn’t vanish before his eyes. Instead, the blond smoothly went over to his side and kissed him chastely on the lips. His eyes got their usual spark back and his smile was real. Zane buried his head in his lap to hide his face which could barely contain the surprised happiness and love he held in regards to his Jonah Wilshire.