Chapter Text
Robby is leaving at the end of today’s shift and Dennis is perfectly okay with it. No, really, he is fine. He’s been fine, ever since Robby announced his sabbatical, in one of his start of the day speech a couple of months ago. He’s been fine when Robby talked about getting a replacement to cover his absence, he’s even been fine meeting Dr. Al hashimi that morning, and following her orders like she was already his boss.
Truly, Dennis Whitaker had not taken his mentor departure to heart. Robby deserved a break, after all. He knew it was overdue, he knew he needed to leave the blood and the screaming and the death behind. For a while. A little while. Just three months. Dennis can do three months.
And when Robby asks him to house-sit for him, Dennis is glad to accept. He will get to save on rent, get out from under Trinity’s foot, and get to call a place his own for the very first time in his life. And, in any case, Robby asked so Dennis says yes. And if that means having to sleep in his boss’s sheets for three months, so be it. He will try not to think to hard about that. He is okay with this arrangement. Grateful, even.
What Dennis is not okay with, what he cannot deal with, what he is decidedly not fine with, is the little half crooked smile Robby gives him while saying « and if I don’t come back, you will have a sick bachelor pad. »
Dennis knows that half smile. It rings alarm bells, at the back of his medically trained brain. It tugs and scratches but he doesn’t have time for an answer before Robby is out of the break room, and Al hashimi is in. He doesn’t register her accusatory tone, when she asked who decorated the training dummy. There are wheels turning behind his eyes, trying to lock into place what Robby had let slip, for the briefest of seconds.
Dennis gets up, ignoring Al hashimi’s grumbles, and leaves the break room, neck craning to try and find Robby in the crowded ER. But of course, Dr. Robinavitch never stays in the same place for long. Dennis wishes he had time to look for him. The something about what Robby said is still gnawing at his mind. But he is needed, so he ignores it. He goes to check on Brandon Li, his motorcycle accident patient, in order to discharge him as his X-ray did not show anything concerning.
« Good news, Mr Li » he starts, entering the room where the patient waited, « there is no torn ligaments or broken bone in your leg. You get to go home. » Dennis says it with a smile, and the middle aged man directly asks « and when do I get to ride again ? ».
Dennis sighs. « Not for a few weeks, at least. I already told you you would make yourself much worse if you fell off your motorcycle again. »
The man grins. « I won’t fall if I have you holding onto me. »
Dennis chuckles. He’s had flirty patients before, it doesn’t phase him much anymore. « Like I said, stay off the bike for the next six weeks, at least. »
« And if I do, do I get to take you out ? » Brandon asks, still impishly flirting.
Dennis shakes his head and rolls his eyes.
« Oh, Dr. Whitaker is much too busy for joy rides » says a voice behind Dennis back. He turns around, even though he knows who it is already, and meets Robby’s eyes. He is smiling, but it’s tight, and the something at the back of Dennis’ mind makes itself known again. Brandon laughs at the interruption, and answers « Oh, but from what I understand, you won’t be here much longer to keep your residents on such a tight leash. »
Robby freezes, and Dennis would have missed it if he wasn’t staring. Then the crooked smile is back, and Robby says « I am not done terrorizing him yet. We will send a nurse in with some after care instructions. Good luck to you, Mr. Li. »
And with that, he makes a sign with his head for Dennis to follow him. Which he does, of course. When would he ever not. It’s been maybe fifteen minutes, since their interaction in the break room, and Dennis wants to mention it, but he is not sure what is bothering him yet. He is not sure if he is right, if the nagging and tugging at the back of his mind is founded, or if he is hearing and seeing things.
Robby says, after they’ve exited the room, « You know you don’t have to indulge patients like that ». And his tone is clipped, which surprises Dennis. Is it concern ? Is Robby yet again underlining his empathetic nature ?
Dennis shrugs « It was harmless. I don’t mind. ». Robby looks down at him, and there is something in his eyes that Dennis can’t identify, akin to anger, maybe. Or sorrow. « Yeah, well. I do. »
Dennis’s eyebrows shoot up at that. Robby seems to realize what he just said, cause his glance is averted and his tone changes, becomes more distant « It’s not good to encourage this type of behaviour. You might be okay with it, but the next doctor or nurse might feel uncomfortable. So better that everyone keeps clear boundaries. »
Ah, yes, of course. Dennis nods mindlessly. For a moment there, he thought… Well, maybe he hoped, that Robby might be expressing some form of jealousy. But he needed to keep his head on straight. This was about him being a better doctor, as it always was.
« Yeah, you’re right. Sorry. Glad you came in there when you did. » Robby softens immediately. « Don’t worry, kid. Just taking care of you while I can. »
That’s when the something clicks.
« If I don’t come back. »
« You won’t be around much longer »
« While I can. »
Denny thinks that Robby sees when he realizes. When the thought forms clearly, vividly, in the younger doctor’s mind.
Robby isn’t planning on coming back.
And the thought takes his breath way, because once it springs at the forefront of his consciousness, he can’t ignore it, and he knows it to be true. Robby looks at him, and he knows Dennis knows, and Robby’s breath gets caught up on his inhale, and Dennis is going to say something, do something and…
« Incoming traumas ! A water slide has collapsed, look alive people ». Dana’s voice breaks through the noisy ER.
Dennis is still starring at Robby. But then, the organized panick breaks out, and they are torn apart, and he tries to keep his eyes on his mentor, he really does. But the internet and computers are still down, and two other hospitals are still out of the running, and soon, they are buried.
It’s not as bad as Pittfest, thank whoever, but it’s still bad. It’s bloody, and busy, and there are kids screaming. There is even a kid dying, a young five year old girl, that Dr. Al hashimi tries and fails to save with Dennis’s help.
And when it tempers down, hours later, when Dennis collapses against a wall, exhausted, frazzled, with bloods splattering his scrubs, it takes him two additional seconds to think about Robby. And then he is exhausted, frazzled, and so worried he might throw up. He scrambles to his feet, with the sole purpose of finding Robby. He has to see him again, right ? Robby can’t leave without seeing him. He needs to give Dennis his keys after all. He passes Dr. Al hashimi, noting her staring far away into nothing. He registers it, knows that he should stop and asks. But his mind is full of Robby, of what he might do, of what he is planning. Because Dennis doesn’t think Robby is not coming back in a retirement way, in a changing career way. He thinks, he knows, that what Robby is planning is much much worse than abonning the Pitt.
He knows it from the crooked smile, from the little slips, from the sorrow in his eyes.
So, Dennis needs to find Robby. He needs to… he doesn’t even know. He can’t see Robby anywhere. He turns around, half frantic, exhaustion making his movement disorganized. He slams into someone.
« Watch where you’re going, Dr. Whitaker » and it’s Jack Abbott, and Dennis almost cries.
The attending seems to notice his state right away. « You doing okay ? I know losing that kid must have been hard. »
And Dennis feels guilty about how little he has thought about the little girl, Sasha, but he can’t care right now. He meets Dr. Abbott’s eyes and blurts out « He isn’t coming back. »
And Dennis wishes that Abbott didn’t understand. He wishes that his eyes didn’t shut tight, he wishes he didn’t hear the sharp intake of air.
And then, he says it. « Yeah, kid, I know. »
These two words breaks Dennis world apart. His mouth is agape, his mind fizzes out. Abbott shakes his head and grabs him by the arm. « Not here. »
He drags Dennis out, out through the back door, and up some stairs, and Dennis barely registers where they are going or how they’re getting there, before Jack pushes a heavy door and leads him onto the roof. Dennis looks around, notices how he can barely breath in the hot and humid air.
« What do you mean, you know » he lets out, shakily.
Abbott looks at him, sad, resigned. « He hasn’t told me anything, if that’s what you’re asking. But the way he’s been acting. He’s making his rounds. Saying goodbye. I know what that’s like. I know when someone is saying goodbye to me. »
Dennis would feel sorry for him, he really would, but the ground is unsteady under his feet, and the world is spinning.
« We have to stop him. He can’t leave. Not if… »
Jack scratches the back of his head. « What do you suggest we do ? Involuntary psych hold ? On what basis ? »
« On the basis that you know ! That I know ! » Dennis screams. He can’t fathom how Abbott is staying so calm, in face of the tragedy they’re both expecting. In face of the possibility that Robby will, that Robby might…
« He might not be planning on killing himself » Jack says. He uses the words so matter-of-factly that they almost don’t hurt to hear. Almost. « Maybe he just wants to go away. Leave his life behind. »
And Dennis thinks this option is only marginally better. Because what would he do, if he doesn’t get Robby’s warm eyes, and his gentle guiding touches, and his approval. What would he do, if Robby disappears without a trace, and Dennis never get to find out what actually happened.
« We need to talk to him » Dennis pleads. He is exhausted, and sweaty, and bloody, but he can hope. Abbott sighs, deeply.
« I don’t know how to do that. »
Dennis scoffs. Because is he supposed to know ? Supposed to know how to convince his boss, on which he has had a massive crush on since day one, to maybe pretty please not disappear forever ? To maybe, if it’s not too inconvenient, consider not killing himself ? Just as a personal favor ?
Dennis knows he is losing it. The day has been too long, the losses too strong, the worry all engulfing.
So he leaves Abbott on the roof, he sprints back down the stairs, because he has to find Robby, and tell him… tell him…
Dennis forcefully pushes the door leading into the ER, and Robby is there. Their eyes meet, and Dennis reaches out, grabs at the hem of Robby’s sleeve. His attending looks down at the white knuckle-grip Dennis has on his sweater – and why is he wearing one in this god awful weather – and slowly nods.
Like he knows what is coming. Dennis doesn’t even know. He needs to find a place, any quiet room, but Louie’s body is still in the viewing room, pedes has been reserved for the dead girl family, and Dennis doesn’t know where else to go. It’s Robby who points to a distant room, room 22, with his chin. « Let’s go in there. It’s quiet ».
And it’s Robby who leads them there, Dennis still gripping at his sweater, refusing to let the dwindling chaos of the emergency room separate them again. Robby opens the door, pushes the curtain, and let Whitaker in, before closing everything back up.
Dennis let go of his sleeve then, with half a mind of feeling embarassed. Robby takes the opportunity to pass both his hands over his face, and lets out a long-suffering sigh.
« Look, Whitaker, I don’t know what you think you… »
« Oh, fuck off » Dennis says, surprising himself. In the turmoil of emotion at the bottom of his stomach, he can finally identify one. Anger. Sheer, boiling, anger.
Robby looks taken aback. He closes off even more.
« I just talked to Dr. Abbott. He knows too. » Dennis bites. « So don’t try and lie to me. Don’t you dare. »
Robby shakes his head, the movement brusque and almost painful looking. He places his hands in a prayer sign under his nose, and closes his eyes. He keeps shaking his head, until a broken, disfugurating smile, breaks out, and he laughs. He opens his eyes and look at the ceiling, and laughs. It feels so wrong, it hurts to hear, and Dennis wants to run away. But he doesn’t. Robby says, in hiccuping haunting laughter, « What do you want me to say, kid ? »
« What about the truth ? » Dennis says. He is unkind, in the way he said it, and he knows it. He is defensive, and hurt, and so angry.
The words seems to collapse Robby on himself. He bends over and crouches down, still laughing in that hollow, broken, way, and tears appears at the corner of his eyes. Dennis fall on his knees next to him, not knowing what to do with himself.
« The truth ? » Robby says, tears streaming down his face. « The truth is I can’t do any of this anymore. I can’t be in charge when somebody dies, I can’t offer support to my staff, to you. I can’t be alone, I can’t handle it. Jake is still not talking to me. I am alone. All the time. I am alone when I am here, cause I am the boss » his voice breaks at that word « and everybody depends on me. I am alone at home, and nothing I try fixes that. I am exhausted, and I can’t do it. I just can’t. »
Dennis feels the finality in these words. Robby is crying, and laughing, and he sits fully down on the floor, put his elbows on his knees and bends his head. « I am alone » he says again.
Dennis shakes himself out of his anger, his stupor, his broken heart. He crawls behind Robby, let his legs bracket his much taller, and larger, boss, as best as he can, a forcefully hugs him from behind. He locks his arms around Robby’s waist, and press his face against his back. He feels Robby tense up, and he squeezes him harder, putting all his upper body strenght into it. And Dennis is a farm boy, he is strong. He thinks Robby might have trouble breathing, but he doesn’t care. Robby doesn’t try to free himself. After a few seconds, he lets himself go into the embrace, curling forward, with Dennis arm the only thing maintening him up. He shakes, and Dennis knows he is crying, but he has stopped laughing.
« You’re okay » Dennis says soothingly. « You’re okay. »
He doesn’t say anything else. He doesn’t argue with what Robby says, doesn’t yell that he is not alone, even if its what every fiber of his being is telling him to say. He just hugs him, and makes calming shushing sounds at him, while Robby cries.
Dennis doesn’t think it lasts very long. Robby shakes himself after a few minutes, and straighten back up. He sighs heavily. Dennis doesn’t let go. Robby taps at his fingers, and Dennis still doesn’t let go.
« Whitaker… » Robby starts.
« Please, get some help. » Dennis says, against his back, his throat closing up, his voice sounding strangled. « I need you to get some help. Please ». He begs. His world is tethering on the verge of an abyss, so of course Dennis begs.
« I tried.. » « Try again »
Dennis takes a deep breath and slowly release his hold. He doesn’t move from behind Robby. He continues « Try again. Try again, and again, and again. Because we need you. I need you. I won’t make it without you. And I don’t mean here, as my boss. If you… If I don’t get you in my life anymore. If you’re gone for good. I am the one who will not be able to bare it anymore. »
Dennis voice is cracking. He feels selfish, putting his feelings onto Robby like that. But he needs to say it. He needs to make it clear.
Robby shuffles awkwardly, trying to turn around. Dennis doesn’t move to help his movement. He finally manages to face him, his long legs pulled tight against his chest. His eyes are red, his whole face is crinkled. « Whitaker…Dennis. » and the younger doctor doesn’t think he is mistaken, when he identifies longing in his attending’s eyes. A day earlier, this would have made his heart skip a beat. But not now. Not after all of this.
Dennis gives him a half-smile and shrugs. Robby passes a hand against his face again.
« You’re asking too much » he finally says.
« I know. »
Robby nods slowly. « I don’t know if I can say that I will try again. »
Dennis heart shatters. He ignores it. He is a doctor, after all. And a man just spelled out his suicidal intentions to him. He is going to leave this room and call psych, tell them to send Dr. Caleb Jefferson down.
Robby must sees the resolve in his eyes. He tentatively reaches out for Dennis’ hand. He gives it freely. Robby looks down at their laced fingers, brow furrowed. Dennis ponders a way to keep Robby in the ER long enough for the involuntary hold to be ordered. Robby strokes the back of his hand with his thumb.
« Is there something else that you know ? » Robby asks tentatively, without looking up. Dennis is taken aback.
« About what ? »
He is unsincere, he thinks Robby can feel that. Maybe it will make him back down. Because Dennis can not do this now. Not like this.
Robby seems to strengthen his resolve. He looks resolutely into Dennis eyes.
« About what I feel for you. »
Robby’s gaze is steeled, like he half-expects to be laughed at. Dennis thinks back to the touches, the hand that always seems to find his neck, his back, his arm. The eyes that are always searching for him, across any room. The smiles, that always reaches Robby’s eyes, even when everything around them is falling apart.
And Dennis think that he must’ve known. That his denial was born out of fear, and shame, and self-hatred. Why would Robby think about him, the scrawny, clumsy, fresh-out of med school, farm kid. Why would Robby want to touch him, to find him in a crowded room.
Dennis squeezes Robby’s hand in his.
« Do you know ? » he says.
Robby smiles, and it almost reaches his eyes. But not quite. And Dennis is reminded that, as always, he is in an emergency situation here, with Robby’s life in the balance.
« I thought I might. » Robby says.
Dennis shakes his head and releases Robby’s hand before standing up abruptly. His attending looks up, confused.
« I can’t do this. Not now. Not after you…God, Robby. You’re planning on killing yourself. »
His mentor slowly gets up. He clearly wishes Dennis would ignore his brief moment of quiet reflection again, like he had so tactfully ignored the last one.
Dennis wants to stay strong, and be a doctor. He wants to make Robby sits on the nearest bed, and call for a consult. He wants to be what Robby needs, an impartial party that will get him real help. But Robby looks so lost, and so hurt, and so small, even though he is towering over him. He is scratching at his arm, through his sweater, clearly unsure of what to do with himself.
So Dennis isn’t strong. He isn’t resolute, and firm, and clinical. He takes a step towards Robby, and places both hands around his face, making him look at him.
« Please, don’t make me loose you. »
And Dennis gets on his tip toes and kisses him. Robby’s arms are around him in a second, tight, unwavering. Strong, like always. Reliable, like he didn’t just cry curled up on the floor.
And Dennis gets it. He gets the buried torment, the hopelessness, that inhabits the older man. He feels it, in the way he kisses. Like he is drowning. Like he needs this to breath.
Dennis doesn’t mind being a life-line. He also knows he can’t possibly be enough. So when they break for air, and when Robby looks at him with so much lust in his eyes that Dennis’knees buckles a little, he begs again. « Find help. Don’t leave. Don’t leave me. Please. Please. Please. »
And Dennis can feel his eyes swelling with tears. Robby steadies him in his embrace, and buries his face down his neck, breathing heavily. Dennis sobs. A little.
« Okay kid, okay. »