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After his long, long, long, very long, day, his shift is now really starting. He could lie to himself and promise to never take another SWAT job, but, oh boy, who can blame him?
Robby’s words, better the lack of, are still present. Even if he decides to not take the road trip, there’s still a shade of something that he is not ready to give it a thought, so he pushes it to the back of his mind. Compartmentalizing, that should it for now.
The hand off went smoothly, most of the waterpark patients in the OR, or in a bed in the ER waiting to go upstairs.
Chairs and the ambulance bay keep them occupied enough. Time flies: 10 PM, some patients from Chairs; 11 AM, a really strange deep gash on a boy’s right side that barely scratched the age of 18, with a really weird golden dust on some of his clothes; then 12 AM, a car crash, four friends gone and one that needed to be sedated from the shock; and suddenly the staff room clock reads 3.32 AM, and he is eating food from Dunkins’, the only available thing that Shen could grab for him in his way to the hospital, so he is not complaining. Better than war food.
His plate is almost gone when one of the newest nurses knocks on the door and lets himself inside the room. Give it a second… yes, Nurse Travis Stoll.
“I’m sorry, Bos- sorry, Doctor Abbot. It’s Jane Doe, in Peds, she won’t stop crying and we gave her Tylenol 30 minutes ago, so I don’t know what else could be.” He seems nervous and already fidgeting with his hands.
He stands up from the sofa, and starts walking towards the room. He takes the paper he is being handed, and his mind starts comparing results and evaluations. Nothing in the differential.
“Is she fed? Diaper changed?”
“Yes and yes”
“What about her vitals?”
“They’re fine, too”
“Okay, I’m gonna check on her”
The wailing can be heard from outside the room, somewhere deep inside him hurts from it. The door opens, and he takes a quick look at the monitors to make sure nothing is out of the ordinary, then to the blanket bundle in the middle of the crib.
“Hi, baby” The lament seems to subside just so. "Travis, take her clothes off, so we can check her.”
“On it”
He meticulously does it while Jacks rubs the chestpiece in his scrubs, attempting to warm it up a little. The crying is now just short weeping.
“Okay, so now I’m going to put this piece on your chest.” He speaks as he moves, as he would do with any other patient. She fusses softly at the first contact. "I’m really sorry, Miss. I know it is cold.“ Lungs are fine, heart sounds good. Heartbeat is a little high, probably from crying. He examines her skin, looking for a rash, for anything, but there’s nothing. That’s his final diagnosis: “You’re just fine. Craving for attention, huh?“
As if she is agreeing with him, her tiny hand finds his own, her even more tiny fingers grab what they can. He just looks at her, and wonders why was she left in the first place.
In front of him, Travis shifts nervously. He just looks at him, waiting for him to talk.
“I’m sorry, Doctor Abbot, for interrupting you for this. Couldn’t find Doctor Shen, and Doctor Ellis was with a patient. And I didn’t know how to interpret her crying, I’m more used to little kids, and they always tell what’s wrong. You know, easier to understand. Not always, but I guess you get my point.“
Oh, so now he has a yapper in the ER. Good. And he seems nice enough to have a conversation with, he will take his chances. Later, not now.
“It’s OK.” He smiles and lets her go, just for a sec, and puts the stethoscope back in his place, "Help me dress her again.”
They work in silence, the baby happy enough to have people around. She even gives them a ghost of what they both think is a smile. The minute they finish the task, attempting to move away from the crib, the wailing starts again, seemingly out of nowhere. He chuckles, confirming his previous diagnosis. He has an idea of the next steps.
“You can go, Travis. She just wants some company, but let Lena know I’m here in case she needs me.”
“Will do, Boss.”
The door closes behind him and they are alone.
The sound startles her enough to let out a short gasp.
“Why you cry when I’m right here, huh?” Jack rests his hand on her belly, shaking her gently, "Hush, hush, now.”
It doesn’t do the trick, but it keeps her from perforating his eardrums. Little wins. He takes her time analysing her, counting her breaths, as she settles down; in the tray behind her, he even finds a little stuffed dragonfly that entertains her enough. But, when he is about to go back to the ER, her tiny, tiny fingers vehemently grip his, with all the strength she can manage, and all he can interpret is don’t go, please, please, please.
So Jack stays.
Her big doe eyes stare back at him, satisfied from all the attention she is receiving. He could be mad, he could call another person to handle this, but he gets her.
Jack understands why she is so desperate. The loneliness, they share that.
She raises her arms, asking for something so foreign yet so familiar. To be cradled, to be held, to feel safe in the arms of someone else.
“Right”
A hug, the grounding pressure that keeps one anchored to reality.
“Only this time, okay?”
An embrace, from the heart and to the soul.
With the most carefulness he has been in years, he lifts her from the crib, and rocks her, and walks with her in the room, showing her the outside world from those four walls, while doing what he knows best: he talks.
“See that wonderful lady who is waving at us behind the desk? That is Lena, she keeps this ED well-oiled, I don’t know where all of us would be without her. And that doctor next to her is Shen.” The cooing she lets out makes him look down, “He is brilliant, Miss, and a nerd, and has such a calm demeanor, you have to see him under pressure. His only thing is that he loves coffee from Dunkins’.” He smiles and chuckles at her. “I’m used to it now, but you should have seen the look Robby gave him a few months ago.”
Robby.
Oh, fuck.
He has to sit down just a few, suddenly his body weak and now aware that his leg started to hurt. He looks down to meet her very energetic eyes. In a very twisted way, Jack sees her and all he can see is a mirror, and it is really simple to talk to a mirror.
“I have a friend. His name is Robby. Oh, what am I telling you? You probably met him this morning. Anyways, he is my brother, but I think he wants to leave us forever, you know? I should’ve said something to him.” She babbles some nonsense back, a questioning look, "I know, I feel so desperate for him. Usually it’s him who has to save me from the edge, but I don’t know what to do.” He sighs, “I just don’t know.”
He starts swaying her, in an effort to make her sleep.
“Went with the SWAT team today. My therapist said I needed a hobby, and probably he was referring to something to keep my mind busy, like ceramics, or gardening, but none of it works. Nothing scratches better the itch than being in the middle of all the chaos. I don’t miss war, as it is, but I think that all hypervigilant state and constant turmoil shaped my brain forever, and I’m often seeking to be in a war zone.”
His therapist will have a feast knowing that he opened his heart to a baby.
But he carries on telling her everything: his fears, his complicated relationships with people, how he struggles to open; his most sacred times; his proudest moments; his late wife, how much she would’ve wanted to adopt her; his long-distance siblings; how much he hopes she finds happiness and love in a world where is so hard to be at peace.
By the time his catharsis ends, the girl is finally deep asleep.
He cannot find the strength to get out of the room. He keeps her in her lap, sharing the warmth and humming a melody he has long forgotten the lyrics of. He considers all of what he just let go, he feels a weight off his chest. He feels better than before, they helped each other. She will make a great listener, a therapist maybe.
The door opens with a quiet click.
"Haven't crossed my mind you were this good with babies.”
He doesn’t have to look up to know who is, only Parker could be that goofy. Lord knows he likes to be goofy as well.
“Better than you, for sure.”
“Not arguing that” She walks a few steps to meet them on the sofa, crouching, and soothingly asks, "How did you become a baby whisperer? The new nurse is impressed by your talent.”
“Many nieces and nephews, had to learn something” He knows there’s something needing his attention, otherwise she wouldn’t be here, but they haven’t started yelling yet, meaning they have time. “Why are you interrupting the quality time my patient and I are having? She will level down my patient scores for this.”
“Those are already low.” She flashes him a soft smile. They both know it’s not true, not when the senior attending loves to be, in Lena’s words, a sweetheart. "We have a trauma coming. ETA is 20 minutes, so you have time to finish the heart to heart speech you are giving and boring her with, and meet us in the bay.”
“This is a heart to heart conversation. She was babbling and cooing back.”
She stands up, “Sure, grandpa”
He rolls his eyes with affection. Before she crosses the door, he answers her.
“Be there in 5, Doctor Ellis.”
All he obtains is a very clumsy salute.
If it takes him 10 minutes to leave the Peds room, well, that’s between him and Miss.