Chapter Text
Naturally, queer people tend to flock together, intentionally or not. There's always a gravitational poll towards the people your body recognizes as familiar.
Zanka could count on his left hand the amount of other queer people he knew. Riyo, Eishia, Amo, and…Jabber.
It's safe to say Riyo is Zanka's best friend. They have some kind of ‘gay-lesbian alliance’ going on as Riyo likes to say. They met in middle school. Both were rather closed off back then, but something about Zanka drew Riyo in. Despite his reservations, he allowed himself to put trust in her. She's just about the only thing Zanka doesn't regret.
Riyo and Eishia were both lesbians, but Eishia isn't out. Really, Zanka doesn't even know how he knows. Maybe it was just because they hung around in similar circles, but this girl can barely say a full sentence to him. So, his guess was as good as anybody else's.
Zanka didn't really know Amo, but had a lot of respect for her. He knew she was bisexual or whatever. She was surprisingly open about it, especially considering some of the light hostility that floated around her. Apparently some shit went down when she transferred here, but he really didn't have time to care about gossip. Still, he had a lot of admiration for her bravery.
Jabber…Jabber was not Zanka's friend. In fact, he was the direct opposite. Zanka loathed everything about him. His natural talent in academics, the fact that he was out, and his unfortunately good looks. All of it was the worst.
In spite of all of that, Jabber was still the only other trans person he knew.
Nothing Zanka could possibly do would cut the string that tied them together.
Even if Zanka somehow managed to meet other queer people outside of his school, or if somebody transferred, they probably wouldn't get it. Not the way jabber could. That fact ate Zanka alive.
Riyo and Jabber were the only two people alive that knew. Riyo knew almost as soon as Zanka knew. While falling through a deep internet rabbit hole the summer before high school, it all finally clicked. He couldn't sit with this knowledge alone and needed to process it with somebody else. He called up Riyo at an absurd hour of the night. The call ended with bittersweet tears and another new secret between them.
Jabber figured it out all on his own. Not that Zanka didn't make it painfully obvious.
Zanka didn't know everyone at his school, in fact, he barely knew anyone. So, he never paid mind to people he didn't recognize. That changed when he saw Jabber for the first time. There was something about him that called out to Zanka's subconscious.
- - -
Zanka was already seated when Jabber walked in. Zanka couldn't quite place what made his chest so tight at the sight of him. The boy had decorated locs pulled back into a low bun, with two pulled out framing his face. His features were simultaneously soft and sharp. He wore a hoodie and baggy track pants, nothing particularly noteworthy.
Zanka really didn't know what drew him in.
Their high school was a combined middle school and high school, but it was very common for people from other schools to transfer for high school. Jabber was one of those people, and when high school started, Jabber was already out.
Despite that, he of course had to give all the teachers the run down about his preferred name and pronouns. Zanka and Jabber had identical schedules freshman year, so he had to hear it each. And. Every. Time.
After the first time, Zanka tried to keep his cool. He didn't know this kid, he can't just randomly talk to him, especially about something like this. After the third time, Zanka was visibly frustrated with having to contain himself. By the eighth and final time, Jabber had noticed the resentful way Zanka had been looking at him since ten in the morning.
Of course, this expression that could be mistaken for pure hatred, delighted Jabber. He wondered what he could've possibly done to deserve such a nice look. Maybe he had a bad day? Boring! And unlikely, as he noticed that Zanka’s face only scrunched up and scowled when looking in Jabber's direction.
While suspicions rang in Jabber's head, it didn't fully piece itself together until Jabber confronted Zanka when the final bell rang. He followed Zanka to his locker and waited beside him until he was noticed.
Zanka jumped, nearly dropping the text book he just pulled from his locker. His eyes widened when he finally processed who exactly was staring him down. The unfortunately handsome trans guy from all of his classes.
Zanka could typically handle pressure, but this was all becoming too much. A piece of him was so excited to possibly have someone he could relate to. Yet fear and apprehension was tangled into his mind.
“Hello there~!” Jabber beamed as he spoke, making sure his tone was sickeningly sweet.
“Hi.” Zanka could only muster a single word. He was unbelievably intimidated and scared of what he might say and spill to this guy.
“I think there's something wrong with your face,”Jabber giggles.
“What?”
“Man, you haven't noticed your awful staring problem? And your nasty ass looks you give people while staring?” Jabber says while still smiling, “I mean, man, I'm flattered! The amount your eyes were on me today is making me blush just thinking about it. But you know you don't have to be secretly admiring me, you can just say it to my face.”
“I think… You've got the wrong idea here… you're just different from everyone else here.” As soon as the words left Zanka's mouth, he knew he fucked up.
“Oh wow, huh, I guess my intuition can be wrong. Man, I thought you might be cool.” Jabber's face that was once so light and carefree, dropped almost immediately at this revelation. Though he didn't look mad or upset, mostly just contemplative.
“Oh my God! No, no! Fuck no I did not mean it like that!” Zanka objected, visibly flustered. He leaned in a little closer to Jabber and lowered his voice, “I just mean, like, I get it. I didnt… fuck I guess I didnt realize you noticed me staring.”
Jabber looked as if he had just discovered gravity. He gets it now. A large, crazed grin takes over his features. Zanka immediately recognises the second major fuck up of this encounter.
“Oh my fucking God this is exactly why I did not want to talk to you,” Zanka whispers just loud enough for Jabber to hear, though he didnt say it for him to hear.
“Oh, nah man, don't worry. Your secret’s safe with me.” Jabber smiles, slugs Zanka in the arm, and casually walks away as if he hadn't just discovered Znaka's deepest, darkest secret.
This first real interaction was where Zanka's real hatred for Jabber began.
Since then, they've somehow continued to have identical schedules for all three years they've gone to school together. The fact that they were both in every advanced class possible and the smaller size of the school really narrowed down their chances of being separated. Even then, the slim chances of every class being the same drove Zanka halfway insane. Three years in a row? What the hell were the chances?
Apparently fate didn't want them to separate.
Constantly being around each other meant constantly budding heads. It really didn't seem to bother Jabber one bit. It was almost as if he enjoyed it. However, it really affected Zanka. The pressure that already had a desperate hold on him was amplified.
Somehow Jabber managed to be everything Zanka was and more. He was a genius. There was no way Zanka would ever be able to measure up to him. Despite that truth, he still tried with everything he had.
Regardless of the amount of resentment towards Jabber that filled Zanka's every waking moment, Jabber considered him a good friend! He enjoyed the playful banter they had! The way Zanka flung obscene insults that Jabber had never heard before was adorable. Not to mention the constant disgusted stares he gave him. It was all so inviting.
And, oh boy, was Zanka strong! Each punch, smack, arm wrestle between the two was exhilarating. The utter physical strength of Zanka was nothing short of captivating. How was he so strong at such a young age? Jabber often wondered about his work outs. Why did he do it? For how long? With what equipment? Where? When? What did Zanka look like, exhausted and sweaty? Did Zanka desperately chug down water after an intense work out? If so, what does that look like?
Physical strength wasn't the only thing alluring about Zanka. Really, the most attractive thing about him was the flame that burned within him, that seemingly never burnt out. Zanka was a hard worker. Dedicated and disciplined. Jabber thought about what would happen if he let go of his discipline. If he acted with pure instinct instead of careful calculation. How would that affect him?
Jabber's curiosity was the thing killing him, but the satisfaction kept him coming back. Each new piece of information he pried out of Zanka filled him with bliss. Jabber was significantly less disciplined. He did as he pleased. Freedom and pleasure were his only virtues. He felt no shame in that.
- - -
Zanka sat alone on a wooden, could-fall-apart-any-second-now table in the cafeteria, posture appealing similarly to a shrimp. The room was mostly vacant, as most students had already finished their lunches or had decided to utilize their open campus privileges. Zanka really didn't mind, though, it meant it was relatively quiet there.
Typically, he'd eat lunch with Riyo in her car. She was gone today, though. Apparently she got the flu. This left Zanka to his own devices. It's days like this that it really sinks in how much only having one close friend sucks. He could go and sit in his own car, but something in his gut was telling him not to.
“Zan-Zan~! All alone, I see?”
Shit. Zanka was beginning to regret ever mentally complaining about being alone. He was much more content alone than being with this guy. He turns to see that Jabber had already made himself comfortable, facing Zanka while sitting right next to him. His head rests in his two hands as his elbows rest on the table.
“I'm sure you're familiar with the concept,” Zanka says flatly, averting his eyes, refusing to allow his thoughts to wander while staring like usual. Even after knowing Jabber for three years, he couldn't seem to get used to Jabber's appearance. It got even worse after jabber started HRT.
“Oh, you know me so well!” Jabber dramatically throws his head back and fans his face with his right hand. “I just thought this would be a good opportunity to talk.”
“What do we have to talk about?”
“Oh, well, I don't really know. Maybe just things we have in common.”
“What do we have in common, Jabber?” Zanka's hair flew dramatically as he swiftly turned his head towards jabber. Zanka had really wanted a shorter haircut, but compromised with his family on something long but layered.
“Classes, extracurriculars, sense of humor?” Jabber tapped a finger on his chin and looked up as he began his list.
The tension in Zanka's body releases slightly, though not wholly. He did not want to talk to Jabber about his identity. When they first met, that was definitely something that Zanka might've wanted, but he could not do that now.
Not with how things between them have been.
“Sense of humor?” While he and Jabber have had a few good laughs in the past, he wouldn't say they were all that similar in that regard.
“I'm not gonna pretend like I haven't seen how you react when ya see a kid trip in the hallways.”
“What? Everybody thinks that shit is funny.” Zanka squints at him.
“Not the way you think it's funny, though. You like it when it hurts ‘em.”
“Alright, man, you’re just being fuckin’ weird. I'm trying to eat.” he moves his focus back onto his food.
Jabber continues to talk, but Zanka doesn't really listen. Though, his voice is kind of soothing.
- - -
“Riyo! What the fuck do I even do.” Zanka quietly shouts into his phone, using his hand as a shield to prevent the sound travelling far.
“I don't think…” She sneezes. “it's really that big of a deal.” Riyo's voice is raspy and uncharacteristically quiet.
“You're obviously not coming back tomorrow… What if he does that to me again?”
“So what if he does? You need more friends than just me, Zanka.” She sniffles in between almost every word.
“But not him! Anybody but him! I hate him.” Zanka's voice is frantic.
“Well, he clearly doesn't hate you. Maybe you should just try to get along, just until I come back, ‘kay?” She's being very curt, signalling to Zanka she's very much not in the mood for his nonsense.
“Alright, fine, I get it. I'll let you be. I'll try, but I ain’t gonna be happy about it.”
She lets out a soft giggle.
“Alright. Bye, Zanka.”
“Night, Riyo.”
- - -
The next day, Zanka tried to hide in the library during lunch. No food allowed in there, but he's fine with skipping lunch just for today. It's worth it for now. If this continues, though, he might have to resort to eating in the bathrooms.
Of course, this doesn't work, as Jabber was in the same class as him before lunch. While Zanka tries to leave the classroom as quickly as possible, it still doesn't knock him off his trail. Just as Zanka feels like he's safe to relax at a table, Jabber sits down across from him.
“What do you want?”
“Dont sound so excited! Just wanted to see my favorite classmate again!” Jabber holds his hands up half-heartedly in surrender.
“You literally see me all day, everyday.” Zanka rolls his eyes as he pulls out his phone, trying to pretend to be busy so that maybe he could be left alone.
“Thats totally different, man! You're always so locked in on your work, I usually feel too bad to try to talk to ya.”
“You literally blew spit balls at me last period.” Zanka grunted, eyes still locked on his phone.
Jabber laughed pretty loud. Normally, Zanka would be the type to shush someone being so obnoxious in a library. It was empty, though, so he let it slide this once.
“But you still stayed focused! You're such a smart cookie, Zanka.” This statement immediately made Zanka look up at him, cheeks starting to redden. Right before he could open his mouth to retort, Jabber's hand was in his hair. His hand retreats and he waves a tiny spitball in the air.
“Missed one!”
- - -
The next day, before Zanka can even come up with a plan to get Jabber off his back for today, he's trapped. As Zanka walked out of his class, less frantically than the day before, Jabber grabbed his wrist.
Zanka turns to face him. Jabber is beaming, looking like a cartoon sun, the kind with a huge smile and sunglasses. Suspicion immediately consumes Zanka. There's no way this is good news.
“Zanka… wanna go out for lunch with me?” Jabber says as he releases Zanka's arm.
“I packed my lunch, I don't need to go anywhere."
“Perfect! Gives us more time to hangout then, let's go!”
Jabber begins to lead the way out of the classroom before turning to Zanka, and to his surprise, he's actually following him.
“Do we need to stop by your locker to grab it?”
“Nah I got it right here,” he holds up his lunchbox.
They exit the building and walk into the parking lot. Jabber guides him to his beat-up, black Toyota. With a large smile on his face, he opens the passenger door for Zanka.
Zanka just rolls his eyes and sits down.
He giggles at Zanka’s clear disdain and gently shuts the door. He hops into his seat and immediately turns the ignition, music beginning to blare immediately once the car starts. Zanka is already overwhelmed with the noise and intense smell of weed that fills the car. Jabber turns the music down almost to complete silence.
“So, where exactly are we going?” Zanka sits with legs crossed, lunchbox resting on his lap. He looks and feels surprisingly comfortable.
“To my favorite spot, duh.” Jabber looks back, resting his hand on Zanka's seat as he reverses out of his parking spot.
Fuck. He looks really good like this.
“That doesn't exactly help me know where we're going.”
“You’ll see~!”
Instead of trying to fight with him, Zanka just remains silent as they drive to a part of their town Zanka hasn't been in years. There's a small rundown park that nobody in their right mind uses anymore. It's more of a safety hazard than anything. This must be his spot.
Trees surround the area, secluding the park from the rest of the neighborhood and leading into the woods. There's a rusty, dilapidated swingset and a rusty, ten foot tall slide that's barely still standing. There used to be more here, Zanka knows it, but parts of it must've been removed in the years he hasn't visited.
Jabber parks on the side of the road scarily close to a tree. As they pulled up, Zanka was slightly nervous he was going to purposely crash into it.
“Want me to get your door again?” Jabber smirks.
“Fuck off,” Zanka mutters, already opening the door and rushing out of the car. Jabber follows him out the car and beckons Zanka over.
“Are there seriously not any picnic tables?” Zanka whines.
“Nah, man, they got rid of those ages ago. We can sit on the swings if you want.”
Wordlessly, they agree and make their way to the swings. Each one making an obnoxious squeak as they both sit down.
“Your car fucking reeks, dude, that better not rub off on me.”
“That ain't how it works, you'll be just fine,” Jabber waves him off. “So what do you have for lunch? Anything good?” He looks really hungry saying that.
“I'm not sharing.” Zanka growls before unzipping the box to reveal a totally empty lunchbox. “fuck.”
Jabber erupts into a boisterous laughter, sounding like something akin to a hyena. He wipes a small tear from his eye before continuing his cackles.
“You’re not gonna share your nothing with a side of even more nothing with me?”
Zanka is nothing short of humiliated. How did he forget to pack a lunch and not even notice? The ice pack that lived in there gave it enough weight to trick him into not recognising it was empty.
“Oh, man, that's hilarious!” Jabber says, still recovering from his giggles.
Zanka punches him in the arm, hard. Not in their typical, kind of playful way, either. There's a lot of malice in his force, and it knocks Jabber back, right off of his swing.
For a moment, Zanka almost feels bad. He looks down at the other boy and feels a small twinge of guilt. Before he can even say anything, jabber sits up and moans with a shitfaced grin.
“Whoo! that was a good one, Zan-Zan! Why don't you do that more often?”
“What the fuck is wrong with you.”
“Nothing! I just like when you do that.”
Zanka can feel the fury building up in his body. His limbs hot and veins rushing, and for a moment he really thinks he's about to lose it. He feels laughter take over his body. He can't help but throw his head back and just carelessly and wholeheartedly laugh.
cause really, what the fuck was he even so mad about? sure, he was hungry, but he could handle it.
Jabber stares at him for a moment, admiring the beautiful mess in front of him, then laying down on the grass where he was knocked onto.
Zanka stands from the swing and sits next to where Jabber resides on the ground. The grass beneath them is slightly wet from condensation, but not enough to make his pants wet.
He looks down at Jabber with a soft smile. Maybe this guy wasn't so bad.
- - -
The next day, Riyo had finally returned to school, though barely conscious. She explained that since her fever broke, her parents told her she has to go to school, no matter how bad she may feel.
When lunchtime rolled around, Zanka suggested to her that they eat in the cafeteria instead of her car. He had no good explanation for why, so he didn't even try. Riyo always knew when he was lying, so instead, he didn't say anything.
Nothing happened, though. She didn't have enough energy in her to question Zanka's suggestion. They sat across from each other and ate their lunch in mostly silence. Riyo could barely get a full sentence out, and Zanka didn't want to talk about the only thing he had on his mind.
When the bell rang for them to return to class, he felt a small pit in his stomach grow. Though things were back to normal, he felt like something was missing.
In his next class, he typically sat in the second row from the front. Just close enough to the board to be able to see everything properly, but not so close that the teacher focused half their attention onto him. It was the safe zone.
Today, he instead sat in the back row. Just one seat between him and jabber.
As the teacher was monotonously explaining whatever concept they were covering today, Zanka pulled out a sticky note. He could not focus on class to save his life. He scribbled a few words onto the note before passing it to Jabber.
‘Where were you today?’ The note read. Jabber couldn't help but smile. He attempted to neatly write a response and passed it back.
‘Had things 2 do. want me 2 make it up 2 u?’ Zanka squinted at the tiny letters, barely being able to make out what it said due to the shitty grammar. He wrote while side eyeing jabber, Jabber staring back. He passes it back.
‘How?’
Jabber quickly writes, then returns the paper.
‘Hang out after school?’ Zanka reads and immediately feels a pressure in his chest. He hesitates before writing down a single word.
‘Sure.’
He looks back at Jabber to see his smile. The eye contact lingers a little too long, only interrupted by the ringing of the bell.
- - -
While Zanka grabs some of his books from his locker, Jabber stands closely behind him, just observing. When Zanka turned around, their noses nearly touched when he jumped in surprise.
“Dude what the fuck!”
“Just waiting for you~!”
Zanka sighs and accepts defeat, not wanting to cause a scene in the halls, but still sneaks in a light smack to Jabber's chest. “Where are we headed, then?”
“Same spot as yesterday?” Jabber suggests as they begin to walk away from the lockers.
“Yeah, why the hell not.”
Zanka's car followed closely behind Jabber’s. They quickly reach their destination, parking parallel to each other. Zanka exited his vehicle and stood awkwardly, waiting for Jabber to come out. After a lengthy moment passed, he walked over to his car and tapped on the window. He watches Jabber turn to look at him and smiles while he rolls his window down.
“Wanna come in?”
“Not really,” Zanka says, as he's already making his way into the passenger seat of Jabber's car.
Oh. Zanka gets it now. The waft of weed hits him and he sees the roach between Jabber’s fingers.
“You ever smoke before?” He asks, already knowing the answer.
“No.”
“Wanna try? I know you’re worried about the smell, I've got cologne in here somewhere.” Jabber smirks at him.
“Not really, I mean, fuck, I’m already pushing it with my parents right now by being here. I don't need to give them anymore fuel for the fire.” He looks down and snickers, “and I honestly think they'd be more upset at me coming home smelling like some random dudes cologne."
Zanka swears he sees something in Jabber’s eyes. He really can't decipher what it is, or what it means, but whatever it is, it looks genuine. Jabber's laugh breaks him out of his thoughts.
“I get it, I’ll be quick then. You don't gotta be in here if you dont wanna be.”
Zanka stays in the car until Jabber's done.
They decide to lay in the grass, on the slope of a small hill. Jabber lays facing the sky, and Zanka lays on his stomach, head resting in his arms.
They don't speak much, Jabber’s much more mellow than usual. For the first time in a long time, Zanka feels completely comfortable. Well, aside from the scratchy grass on his cheek.
The calm is interrupted by Zanka's hair moving abruptly. He turns his head to see Jabber now laying on his side, resting his head on one arm while the other is extended to Zanka's hair.
“it’s real soft.” Jabber twirls some of Zanka's hair with his ringed fingers.
“And way too long.” Zanka exhales.
“Really? I think it suits you.” Jabber responds while still toying with his hair. At some point he starts to massage his scalp.
“Just… ain’t me. Ya know?”
“Ahhhh, right.” For a moment Jabber completely pauses, contemplation on his face. “Can we talk about that?” The words flow out of his mouth so casually, it makes Zanka freeze. Though, it’s hard to be so tense while getting such a nice scalp massage, so quickly he relaxes once more.
“...Yeah, sure, I guess. What do you wanna know?” Zanka cannot believe he’s actually doing this. He took Jabber’s bait hook, line, and sinker.
“Well, what do you prefer to be called and shit?” Jabber says plainly, not even looking at Zanka, too focused on his hair.
“I… I don't really know. I try not to think about it too much. Getting those fantasies in my mind about what I could be called feels like getting my hopes up. I know I'm never gonna be able to have that.” These are thoughts that Zanka’s had for such a long time, but has never been able to say out loud. This makes his stomach feel airy, it almost hurts, but simultaneously feels relieving.
“You can have that with me,” Jabber finally looks at him while talking and shrugs his shoulders. He looks weirdly sincere. A look he's never quite seen on Jabber before. Usually there's a thin layer of something veiling jabbers expressions. He looks naked and vulnerable now.
“Yeah, ok… I think if I did have a choice, I'd keep my name. But, damn, does all the feminine shit get to me sometimes. It's not me at all. It almost feels like an out of body experience. Like, they're talking about me, it's really not me.”
Jabber just nods at him, clearly understanding every word. He stops playing with Zanka's hair and sits up. He starts to give him a gentle but firm back massage. It feels real nice, especially when his rings can be felt in his rubbing motions.
“What the hell are you up to?” Zanka wants to sound annoyed, but he couldn't possibly be upset at how relieving it feels.
“You’re always so tense, you need to just relax a little. I'm not gonna do anything weird, just let me work my magic.” As he says this, Zanka feels him sit on his legs.
Zanka does as told, and releases all the tension he can in his body. Going one by one in each of his muscles, consciously relaxing them from head to toe. He enjoys the touch, somehow ignoring his usual reservations. It usually feels like touching a hot stove when other people put their hands on him, leaving a lingering burning sensation. Jabber's touch is different. It feels like putting your hand in a small stream on a hot summer, the flow gently pushing upon your fingers and the shocking cold alleviating the heat.
“Ya know, there's still ways to express yourself without coming out. I think you should try to take back what ya can. Make your femininity your own. So you're a little less suffocated by it.”
Zanka tried to wrap his head around this statement. He understood, but couldn't piece together how he would do that. Especially without getting caught by somebody.
“I wouldn't say your clothing needs to change. You definitely know what looks good on you,"Jabber giggles, working his hands on Zanka's shoulder blades. “But I think maybe… playing around with jewelry, or dying your hair, piercings, small details like that.”
“That shit would never slide with my parents.”
Jabber pauses and removes one hand to feel Zanka's ear. He gently rubs his earlobe. Its an oddly pleasant sensation.
“They wouldn't let you pierce your lobes? Not even just one?”
“Hell no.”
“Well damn, I think you could pull it off, they're easy to hide! Especially with all this hair of yours.” He says lightly, getting back to work on Zanka's back.
“Where could I even get them done for cheap? I don't really have much spare cash right now.”
“I could do them!”
“Fuck no! Absolutely not!”
“Aww man, why not! I'm pretty good at it. Did all mine myself. I have the right kind of needles, and I'm always sanitary.”
Jabber did have a good number of ear piercings. They all look pretty good, though Zanka didn't really know much about piercings. They didn't look infected, though, so that was good enough for him.
“Okay… Maybe.”
“You should let me dye your hair while we're at it, then!”
“Dude, my parents would fucking kill me. That's not something you can just hide!”
“What if it was subtle, though? Like…” he paused again, slightly frustrating Zanka. He really liked the pressure and touch of Jabber’s hands. He separated Zanka's hair into two sections, “Like a peekaboo! Just the underside. If we did a natural color, would they even see it?”
Damn. Jabber’s real convincing.
“Okay, maybe, I'll think about it, but… What exactly would this be doing for me again?”
There's a moment of silence as Jabber prepares his thoughts.
“It's small rebellions like that, that make you more comfortable in your skin. It seems simple, but man, it really does help. It's like… Taking back what's yours. You're taking back your appearance, even if you can't exactly make you what you want it to be right now.”
Zanka takes a while to process all of that. As he's laying there thinking, Jabber lifts himself up from Zanka's legs and lays back down next to him, facing him. Zanka readjusts to face him, too.
After a few moments of comfortable silence, Zanka pipes up.
“Thanks… Jabber. I really appreciate this, actually.”
He just smiles.