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Buck has been in a loud tailspin for weeks. He was on physical and occupational therapy for months before being able to return to work, and now he's setting himself on fire in blatant view of everyone.
It's different from years past where everyone knew he was spiralling, but he was trying to do it silently. Now, it's like he doesn't know just how loud he's being.
He's constantly covered in hickeys, like he's in his early twenties. Dark bags live under his eyes, and he's looking almost frail with the way his clothes hang off of him.
Eddie's pretty sure he's on drugs too, but he's never actually seen him do them or buy them or found any evidence. Maybe it's just party drugs. Maybe it's just using sex as drugs. But it's not normal behavior.
And it's very clear that someone needs to talk to Buck, and Eddie knows it has to be him. What he's been doing in the last weeks has been insufficient, so he'll have to bring in the big guns and pick a fight.
He, himself, is traumatized, but he wasn't the one who was tortured or kidnapped. He needs to be there for Buck. Buck who is beautiful and forgiving and wonderful. Buck who is struggling with who he thinks he is now. Or who he thinks he has to be.
"Don't forget to be there for you too," Chim had advised him recently, and he had nodded.
"We need to be there for each other, or we won't heal. We need each other."
So it's a Thursday morning after a 24 hour shift, and Eddie had brought Buck home with him, not taking no for an answer when he offered breakfast and some Diaz boys quality time.
They're getting on each other's nerves immediately, and Eddie knows it's coming when Buck turns to him accusatory.
"Why are you trapping me here, Eddie? Is this an intervention. I'm fine!"
"You're not," Eddie disagrees, and Buck huffs, scraping a hand down his face. "When's the last time you slept, huh? Have you been out every night? A new person every night? Are you on drugs?"
"I'm not on drugs."
Eddie stares at him silently.
"I'm not," Buck insists, and Eddie's shoulder loosen a bit. "I'm just...fucking up my life I guess. Not in any way that matters. I'm...using protection. Whatever."
A pause.
"Okay...well...if you're gonna fuck up your life...you can start and end with me."
Buck stares at him silently, not comprehending.
"What?"
"If you're gonna club and...partake in risky behaviors...do them with me. Don't...don't lean on some strangers to get you through this. Lean on me."
"Eddie, you don't know what you're saying."
"I think I do."
"You don't. I want...I know I'm being kind of reckless, but I'm just trying to feel something. Just trying to...to push away the memories. When I close my eyes, I'm back there! Tied to that post. Not sure if I was going to make it out of there! Not knowing if anyone would ever find me. If anyone was even looking. And...and I thought you were dead."
Buck is huffing, his chest expanding and contracting quickly and unevenly.
"I need to take my mind off it. You're not allowed to judge how I cope with that. You weren't there!"
And Eddie snaps, coming close to Buck's face in his personal space.
"I may not have been there, but you forget that I'm the one who found you. I'm the one who didn't sleep for 72 hours, searching everywhere for you. The one who woke up in a hospital bed and had to convince the doctors I wasn't in A Beautiful Mind cuz there was no trace of you! We need to be here for each other - fully and 100%. We learn this over and over and over again. Let's just skip the hard lessen and get to it, Buck."
"A Beautiful - what?"
"It's a movie. Just-its not important. I was always looking for you. I knew you were alive. That we were going to fight our way back to each other. I knew. I always knew."
Buck is calming down, his gaze unreadable as he stares at Eddie.
"The drugs they had me on... I hallucinated you so many times. I went to...to...your funeral. And then...at the end...I killed someone, Eddie. How am I-I'm a killer."
Tears suddenly fill his eyes, a wave crashing onto the shore after an insidious tidal, and Eddie holds him in an embrace, Buck sobbing into his throat.
"You were gone, and I was alone. I'm always alone."
"You're not alone," Eddie whispers into his temple. "You're not a killer. A terrible thing happened to you, and you survived. You did nothing wrong."
+
Chris is the one who finds them. He took the bus home today, walked all the way from the stop to the house. It was a surprise - after all that's happened in the last few months - but he thought his dad had finally graced him with a little trust, as he laughed with his friends on their walk home, meandering down the street at Chris's pace, all together or not at all.
But when he comes into the house, through the kitchen like always, the first thing he hears is sobbing. His blood runs cold, and he drops his backpack on the floor as he hurries into the living room where-
His dad and Buck are in a heap on the floor, Buck clutching at Dad's back with white knuckled fists, and Dad is whispering reassurances into his ear, as he rocks back and forth in his crouch.
Chris' face softens, and he walks over to them, dropping in a heap next to them and wrapping his arms around them both.
Buck freezes for only a moment, until he realizes it's just Chris, and then he moves one of his arms to wrap around the boy.
"I'm sorry," Buck cries, and Dad kisses him softly on the temple.
"It's okay, baby. It's okay."
"You're gonna be okay, kid," Chris mumbles into Buck's neck.
+
It's not until several days later, when they're doing their new normal routine, that Buck asks.
They've done their nightly TV episode with Chris, cleared all the dishes from the sink, and got ready for bed together in the bathroom. Buck is on his side of the bed, his head resting on his hand as he stares at Eddie, who is mirroring his position on the other side of the bed.
"What did you mean by...fuck up my life...with you?"
It's not fully dark in the room - a product of Buck's recent trauma. He used to love black out curtains and quiet for bed. After living in a floor to ceiling windowed loft for so many years, finding out he preferred silence and darkness to sleep had been a surprise, but a good one. Now, he needs at least one light on, and the windows and locks need to be checked at least three times (sometimes more) before he can rest. Even then, he's sometimes up again to check.
And he can't be alone.
When he and Eddie have a rotating shift or Chris is out of the house, Buck has already come up with back up plans. Staying at Maddie's is of course the first resolve, but if they're not home he'll go to Hen's. If they're also out of town, he'll reach out to May or even Athena. And if per chance every person is out of town and he wasn't invited or they're all working and he's not, he'll go to the firehouse to sleep or just not sleep at all.
He'll-
"Uh...well...I figured you were trying to revisit Buck 1.0, and I know that's not what you want. Or...that's not what you wanted a couple months ago. And this...this darkness won't last forever, Buck. If I know anything, I know that. You taught me that."
A destroyed bedroom, glass everywhere, a baseball bat. They flash through his mind. The fight club and the friendship. And so so much love. So much forgiveness and acceptance. Always.
"I don't want you to do something you'll regret while you're...coping...so I offer myself. There's nothing you could do to me or with me that could break our friendship."
Buck's eyes go misty.
He knows Eddie is being hyperbolic. His mind dooms more than it ever has now, so he can think of at least 10 things that would cause Eddie to leave him forever if it really came down to it. Things Eddie might kill him for. Things Buck would kill himself for, actually.
But he gets it. Eddie is saying: I know who you are, and I will always love every piece of you. The invasive, horrible thoughts aren't who he is. They're trauma.
"Usually those...things I'll regret...mean I'm taking off my underwear with someone. Sometimes multiple someones."
Eddie snorts and rolls his eyes, shifting and throwing a leg over Buck's hip.
"Well, I'm not into the multiple someones portion of that, but if you're okay with...just one...it can be me."
Buck stares at him in disbelief.
"Preferably it can be me. And no one else. Did I say that already? Just me. Forever."
Buck melts, swallowing thickly.
"Do you mean it?"
"Yeah. Even if...even if right now it's just coping. I want..eventually. You need to focus on you. On healing."
A long pause.
"Eventually," Buck whispers, and he brings a hand down to stroke Eddie's knee. "I like the sound of that."
The room is dimly lit at multiple points, but they can see each other and they smile.
"Good. I'm glad."
"Me too."