Chapter Text
Rozanov’s Roster
Jane was added to the chat
Abi: FRESH MEAT, FRESH MEAT
Caro: omg hiiii!!!
Katie: Hey hey!
Megan: STATS NOW PLS
Tia: Give her a minute omg. Welcome!
Emmy: Please be cool so she doesn’t leave immediately
Emmy: Everyone, this is Jane, she found out about us through reddit and passed the entry test!
Lana: Hello Jane
Jane: Hi
Megan: STATS PLS??
Jane: What are stats?
Emmy: Your age/race/body type/location. No pressure to get too detailed though!
Megan: Pleaaase get detailed
Jane: Okay
Jane: I’m in my twenties. Asian Canadian. Athletic. Sorry I don’t feel comfortable sharing more than that.
Lana: Interesting
Emmy: Oh nice! I’m Chinese American and also athletic ☺️ Well I used to be before I graduated and stopped rowing lol
Jane: Cool
Emmy: Do you play a sport?
Jane: No.
Jane: I just work out a lot and stuff
Katie: Need your drive, my gym membership is gathering dust
Tia: I didn’t even bother getting a new one when I moved lol
Katie: You get it!!
Lana: How long have you known Ilya?
Jane: Years now.
Megan: Do you have brown eyes and freckles?
Jane: Excuse me?
Emmy: Not this again
Katie: Megan has a conspiracy theory that Ilya’s into girls with freckles
Megan: Girls with freckles AND brown eyes! It’s always a combo
Jane: Oh
Megan: So? Do you have freckles and brown eyes?
Jane: No.
Lana: Hmm
Megan: Damn
Megan: Well it’s still most of us!
Jane: So do you guys sleep with Rozanov regularly?
Jane: You girls*. Autocorrect.
Katie: Wait I love that you call him Rozanov. So proper
Jane: Haha
Emmy: Define regularly
Tia: Lol yeah that man is touch and goooo
Jane: I don’t know. Like more than once a year?
Lana: Why do you ask?
Jane: Just curious.
Emmy: I’d say we meet up like 75% of the time he’s in Nashville
Tia: It was the same for me when I lived in Philly but I moved, rip
Megan: I was his regular Tampa girl til I hit my expiration date 😔 worst day of my life
Caro: You’re so dramatic
Megan: I’m in MOURNING CARO
Caro: Lol you know he blocked me too!! You’ll live!
Jane: Expiration date?
Lana: He blocks most of his regulars on the road after about 2 years of hook ups
Jane: Oh
Emmy: I rebuke this 🙅🏻♀️ (I’m coming up on 2 years and I’m not in denial at ALL)
Abi: It was just once for me
Katie: 3 times for me
Caro: I slept with him I think 4 times before he blocked me. It seems like he blocks Boston girls quicker
Tia: Ooh we’re counting up
Emmy: 😂
Katie: To be fair it miiight have been more for me but I realized I’m a lesbian lol
Megan: “I realized”. She’s lying, Rozanov told her
Katie: WE CAME TO THE CONCLUSION TOGETHER
Megan: Lies. That man said “YOU’RE GAY”
Tia: Seriously my favorite Rozanov story lmao
Jane: What did he say?
Katie: I came over to hook up with him again and it was the first time we were (mostly) sober. Ten minutes in, he goes “Have you ever slept with a woman?” and I’m like “…no” and he’s like “You should. You do not want to have sex with me.” 💀
Katie: Then he gave me a cookie and made me leave
Megan: And honestly? Not wanting that dick is a HUGE sign that you’re gay
Emmy: No like he had a point
Katie: He did…
Katie: At the time I FREAKED out but a few weeks later, I slept with a woman for the first time and I was like “holy shit”
Katie: And I texted him to thank him and he said…wait let me copy and paste it
Katie: 😄👍🐱👅💦✂️🌈🎉
Tia: He’s a poet with emojis lol
Emmy: Any time I see someone online claiming that he’s a homophobe, I wanna reply “🐱👅💦✂️🌈”
Katie: no SAME but when I say Ilya Rozanov made me gay, NO ONE BELIEVES ME 😭
Lana: What about you Jane?
Jane: What? What about me?
Lana: How often do you sleep with him?
Jane: Oh
Jane: A few times a year. Just when we’re in the same city
Lana: Ah
Emmy: When did you first hook up with him?
Jane: 2010
Megan: Wait and you’re still hooking up?
Jane: Yup.
Caro: WHAT
Megan: GIRL
Tia: SEVEN YEARS??
Megan: My jaw is borderline unhinged rn
Emmy: You’re giving me hope 😭
Megan: I’m in enemy territoryyyy (hooking up with a guy who has a Hollander poster 🤮)
Lana: You should look at the poster to get off. Hollander is hot
Emmy: Lana pls 😭
Katie: Okay I’m a die hard Bears girl AND a lesbian, but even I know Hollander could get it
Megan: KATIE NO
Lana: Katie yes
Jane: So are you all big Rozanov fans?
Megan: Are you NOT?
Jane: No. The Voyageurs are way better
Megan: WHOA
Abi: These days, you’re lowkey right
Caro: Lol I literally know nothing about hockey. I slept with Ilya because he was hot and I didn’t find out what he did til after
Abi: That still blows my mind
Megan: Same
Caro: I saw that smirk on a box of cereal and went “hey that looks like the guy who made me come five times yesterday”
Emmy: Deaaad
Katie: Wait I’ve been meaning to ask! What line did he use on you since he usually uses the Cup ring line on his Boston girls?
Jane: Cup ring line?
Katie: “Come back to my place and I will let you try on my Stanley Cup ring 😏”
Jane: Ew
Jane: He really says that? And it works?
Katie: Yeah, he used it on me and a lot of people in the Rozy’s Whores group have said he used it on them
Emmy: omg do not say that name here, it haunts me
Tia: SAME
Jane: I tried to join that one too but I got scared.
Abi: That's basically a rite of passage lol
Katie: I think Lana and I are the only ones active in it?
Lana: Yes. I mostly just observe
Katie: Someone started a channel for queer women so I stick to that. I’ve hooked up with 2 women from it lol
Caro: Wait, that’s iconic Katie. Ilya would approve
Katie: Oh I know he would
Katie: Two women who met on there are getting MARRIED next month
Caro: No way!!
Tia: Omg I love that
Katie: They invited Ilya and he can’t come but he bought them the most expensive thing off their registry 😂
Lana: Of course he did
Megan: Ally of the century for sure
Jane: Do you think all of the women in the “Rozy’s Whores” group have actually slept with Rozanov?
Emmy: Oh no way
Caro: Yeah I don't think so. Like he’s a slut but that group is a free for all
Emmy: No vetting whatsoeverrrr. And on one hand, I get it. I know there are women who have slept with him who haven’t been able to join this group because they just don’t know the answers. But idk. I don’t like the idea of people joining just to snoop
Katie: I get that. Weird vibes
Megan: That whole chat is weird vibes
Tia: You misspelled bad
Caro: Seriously
Tia: They’ll let in people who are obviously there for gossip, but they called me a liar and kicked me out in 2 days because I “clearly wasn’t Rozy’s type”
Megan: Omg what?!
Tia: Yeah. I posted on the selfie channel and they were like “Ilya Rozanov with a Black girl? No fucking way”
Jane: Ew.
Lana: Assholes. I will kill them all
Katie: Nooo we need to figure out another way to get revenge. You're too pretty to go to jail Lana!
Lana: You don't know what I look like
Katie: I can tell!
Lana: ☺️
Emmy: Fuck them but I’m not surprised by that AT ALL. When I was in there, they had a weird ass convo about how Ilya's type is “girls with flat asses and thin lips” and I was like …
Caro: I can confirm that’s bullshit
Lana: Same
Tia: Sameeee
Megan: I can’t but I believe you hotties
Katie: lol literally, nodding along like my lips aren’t just a line
Megan: 😂
Abi: Okay but trying to determine Ilya’s “type” is hilarious. That man’s type is just pussy
Megan: No, it’s freckles and brown eyes
Emmy: ENOUGH
Katie: Also Caro you never said what line Ilya used on you?
Caro: That man doesn’t need a line. Have you seen him?
Tia: Yeah I was like “line? You mean his face?”
Megan: Ass**
Caro: Abs**
Jane: All of the above**
Caro: JANE 😂
Emmy: Lollll I’m so glad you joined
Emmy: Head game?
Caro: Haven’t we done this one before?
Caro: 9 though
Emmy: Maybe idk I’m bored
Abi: N/A
Katie: 8/10 if I pretended he was a butch lesbian
Emmy: LOL
Tia: That man is not passing for butch. He once SHRIEKED because he thought he saw a spider in my apartment. It was a shadow
Katie: Lmao most butches I’ve met are also afraid of bugs, he fits right in
Tia: 😂
Tia: Oh and 9/10
Lana: Mmm 7
Caro: You’re always so harsh Lana!
Megan: 10
Lana: I have to balance out Megan always saying 10
Caro: Okay FAIR
Megan: I'm just saying, I’m hooking up with Hollander poster guy again rn and he PALES in comparison. No surprise there
Jane: What is this?
Emmy: Oh sometimes someone sends a position or something and you rate how good Ilya is at it. Just say N/A if you haven’t done it
Jane: Oh
Jane: 19
Jane: I mean 10, typo
Emmy: Is Jane thirstier than Megan?
Lana: Yes
Jane: It was a typo I swear!
Caro: You still said 10 though
Jane: Well yeah
Abi: lolll
Emmy: Okay but Abi he didn’t go down on you?
Caro: That’s a bigger red flag than all the ghosting tbh
Abi: He didn’t but Cliff did
Emmy: Ohhhh
Megan: Ugh I am eternally jealous
Jane: Cliff?
Abi: Yeah I had a threesome with Rozanov and Cliff Marlow the week they won the Cup
Jane: Oh.
Jane: Was Rozanov into Marlow?
Abi: What?
Lana: Interesting question…
Katie: I feel like he would have been. I’ve always kind of gotten a bi vibe from Ilya
Caro: Katie, no one’s trusting your gaydar. You didn’t even know YOU were gay
Emmy: Lol she has a point
Katie: I’m just saying, he’s a really good “ally”...
Jane: I think he’s straight.
Lana: Me too. He's such a dick, he must be straight, yes?
Katie: I guess
Megan: I have no idea but I wanna know if he was into it too
Emmy: Megan aren’t you literally having sex like right now?
Megan: He came in 30 seconds and then rolled over and fell asleep…classic Hollander fan
Jane: I don’t think that’s related to Hollander.
Megan: He takes after his idol. I’m sure Hollander also comes in 30 seconds
Jane: Based on Hollander's on ice performance, he probably has good stamina.
Emmy: Why do I kinda feel like you’ve slept with Hollander too?
Jane: I haven’t.
Jane: I’m still curious about your answer Abi. If you’re open to sharing.
Abi: Idk honestly! They made out a little but they were mostly focused on me
Megan: Totally not clenching my fists with jealousy rn
Shane: Have you slept with any other players?
Lily: What?
Shane: Is it just me? Or are you sleeping with other players too?
Lily: Why? Do you want to sleep with Pike?
Lily: You do not need my permission. Maybe ask his wife.
Shane: No!
Shane: I don’t wanna sleep with Hayden, gross
Shane: I’m just curious
Lily: Okay…
Shane: Like have you ever had a threesome with another player?
Lily: Where is this coming from?
Shane: I don’t know.
Shane: Just wondering.
Lily: I know you are very bad at sexting but you can just ask what I’m wearing
Shane: I’m not trying to sext you!
Lily: Are you sure?
Shane: Ugh whatever. Never mind, forget it.
Shane: So what are you wearing?
Lily: Wow. You are such a pervert
Shane: Oh fuck you!