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✨Tampa Bay - 2017
Ilya sat at the bar, restless, knowing at some point he would have to face him. They were staying at the same resort, playing on the same team, they’d be sharing a locker room. He desperately tried to get himself to relax a bit, take deep breaths, drink his beer. He was almost calm but then he saw him. Sh…no…Hollander. Ilya would not make the mistake of saying his name again, even in his own mind. He took another drink keeping his eyes forward, trying not to look fazed as the man that broke his heart walked in his direction. Ilya almost thought he would be strong enough to stay in his seat until someone yelled out to say “hi” to Hollander and Ilya saw him smile. Ilya felt like the ground went out from underneath him, like he was suddenly too hot and his mind too fuzzy. He stood and left as quickly as he could while Hollander was temporarily distracted.
Ilya’s was restless when he went to his room that night. He scrolled on his phone, did as many pushups as his body could handle, had a scalding hot shower… everything he could think of to get his brain to quiet. He wasn’t sure when he finally dozed off but the moment his eyes opened at the all too early hour of 5:30am he thought of him again. The man who had literally ran out of his life. The man who went out and got a Hollywood star of a girlfriend. The man who stood in the club and stared at Ilya like his heart was breaking. Like Ilya was the one who had moved on.
Fuck
It took everything in him to get ready and leave his room knowing what was coming. There was a team meeting this evening before the big game. No way to escape this time.
He made it through breakfast chatting with some teammates, made it through a friendly beach volleyball game, even managed to make it to his room to change and back to the pool without seeing anyone he didn’t want to. It wasn’t until Ilya was laying in the sun that he felt it. The unmistakable weight of familiar eyes on him. He swallowed hard, keeping his gaze down as he saw Hollander approaching from the corner of his eye.
He thought about getting up and making an escape but it was too public and it would be too obvious he was running away. Before he could make up his mind Hollander was standing beside the lounger he was relaxing on. In an attempt to seem completely fine, because he was, Ilya spoke first.
“Are they out of ginger ale, Captain?” Pointing his chin to the beer in Hollander’s hand.
Hollander just shook his head looking down at Ilya with a smile on his face. “Felt like being a little wild I guess.”
“What do you want Hollander? Team meeting isn’t for another hour no?”
Hollander seemed taken back, his smile flattened just a little but kept his composure.
“Well you are the alternate, I thought we could discuss the plays for tomorrow”
“That is what the meeting is for Hollander, I am relaxing.”
Ilya’s voice came out harsher than he meant it to, but he was over it. He was angry. He was hurt…not that he would ever admit that. But he was keeping his guard up this time. He wouldn’t let himself make the mistake of being vulnerable again. Hollander just looked at him, and Ilya caught the hint of sadness on his face. It reminded Ilya of his own face, when he had finally got off his couch that day. Looking into his bathroom mirror after cleaning himself up, hating his own reflection. He cursed himself for fucking up so badly it literally caused the other man to run with Ilya’s clothes still on his body. All because he had let a first name slip. The worst part is he hadn’t meant to, it just slipped out in the moment, and that somehow made it worse. He had let himself get too comfortable.
Without another word Hollander nodded his head and walked away. Ilya felt himself take a breath for what felt the first time since Hollander got close to him.
The team meeting went well despite the tension in the air. It seemed to be oblivious to everyone else in the room, so that was a huge bonus. Ilya kept it professional, let Hollander do the talking and just nodded along. He was only half paying attention and before he knew it the team was shouting something about winning and everyone was filing out of the meeting room. Hollander was still, just sitting, staring at the plays, as if he didn’t have them memorized already. He looked tired and anxious and Ilya knew that he was spiralling, worrying too much about winning tomorrow . It took Ilya everything in him not walk over, reach his hand out and run his thumb along those beautiful freckles that made him crazy. To not scoop Hollander up in his arms and tell him everything would be okay and kiss him until they were both breathless. But he couldn’t. So he said “Get some rest Hollander, big day tomorrow.” And walked out before the other man could respond.
Ilya thought about going back to his room but it was only 7pm and he didn’t find himself in Florida often so he decided to head for the beach. He was hoping to get some alone time but before he could make it to his destination a few of his teammates were walking in his direction and convinced him to come have a beer. He knew Hollander wouldn’t be there so he went happily, thankful for the distraction from his own thoughts.
It was a good night. They laughed and joked and were surprisingly well behaved. They all knew how much the game the following day meant. They wanted to win, they needed to win. So they had minimal drinks and all went back to their rooms at a decent hour.
For the first time in what seemed like forever, Ilya felt at ease. He genuinely had a good night. He even managed to keep his thoughts about Hollander at bay, only reaching the surface of his mind a couple times. Ilya crawled in bed and slept well for the first time in what felt like forever.
✨Game Day
They played together like they fucked… or used to… reading each other’s bodies perfectly. Knowing exactly what each other’s thoughts were. They played together like they had done it 100 times. Ilya even got lost in the moment and was the first to jump Hollander when he scored them the game winning goal. He was so lost in the moment he even kissed the side of Hollander’s helmet. Their eyes met in the chaos, and Hollander hollered over the cheers the team and said “great pass”, to which Ilya replied “great goal”. Ilya smiled, but the excitement of the moment was quickly lost and he remembered where they were, and what they weren’t. He turned and hugged his other teammates in celebration and managed to put some space between himself and the captain.
Back in the locker room Ilya was quick to shower, pack his hockey bag, and get out. He couldn’t risk lingering. Couldn’t risk being alone with Hollander. So he grabbed his things and hurried off promising his teammates he would join them later to celebrate the win.
Once back in his room he slumped back against his door as soon as he got it closed. He had to take a second to breathe. It was too much. The look in Hollander’s eyes when he had won them the game. His smile, his laugh, his fucking freckles that stood out against the pink on his cheeks like….FUCK. “Get yourself together Ilya.” He mumbled out into the empty room.
He decided to have another shower because he had been in a rush and didn’t feel clean enough. But no matter how hard he scrubbed or how hot the water, he couldn’t wash away his thoughts of that stupid fucking hockey player with beautiful freckles.
Once the water was running cold because he had been in there so long, Ilya stepped out and wrapped a towel around his waist. He went through his luggage, picked something to wear, shaved and put some gel in his hair. He rarely did anything with his hair but with the humidity his curls went wild and every time he looked at his untamed hair, it reminded him of what it looked like after Hollander had spent hours running his fingers through it. After he had Hollander on his back, opened and begging for him. After he had… no.
He quickly finished in the bathroom, grabbed his phone and room key and headed to the bar.
Hollander was there tonight but Ilya knew it was only because he felt pressure to be there. Bars, clubs, any social event with crowds wasn’t what Hollander liked. But he was the team captain so Ilya knew he would suck it up to be there with his team.
Surprisingly, Hollander looked at ease, giddy even, and Ilya felt genuine happiness for him. Their eyes met and Ilya gave him a slight smile and nod. It wasn’t much but it was all he could manage. He didn’t dare look too long in case Hollander saw through him. Saw through the mask and right into Ilya’s broken heart. Ilya went back to his conversation with his other teammate and tried his best to appear normal.
He genuinely didn’t know what time it was when he wandered off or where Hollander was. He was just done with the party, a little (maybe a lot) buzzed, and wanted to go to the beach like he had planned to the previous evening. Thankfully it was quiet and there was no one around. Ilya slipped off his slides and headed down the beach, towards the water, the sand warm on his feet. He only walked a minute or two before sitting to enjoy the view and the sound of the waves. He was so lost in the moment he almost didn’t notice when someone came to sit near him. Not too close, but close enough. He didn’t have to look, he knew exactly who it was.
Hollander was looking at him but Ilya stared straight ahead.
“I was wondering where you were hiding.”
“I am not hiding, I am enjoying view and quiet. Well, was.”
“And here I thought you were avoiding me.”
“Nope.” Ilya replied, accentuating the p
“So you haven’t been trying to stay away from me at all costs? Could have fooled me.”
Hollander’s tone was sharp and it made something inside Ilya snap.
“What does it fucking matter!?”
Hollander looked at him, like Ilya had slapped him. Ilya could see the tears forming in Hollander’s eyes before shook his head turned away. He heard Shane take a deep breath.
“I’m sorry.”
“Okay, you are sorry. You can go back to your life now Hollander, is fine.”
“It’s not…. I mean it. I’m not just apologizing to make myself feel better Ilya, I…”
“No! No! You do not get to do that. We are done here.”
“So that’s it then!? You’re just going to run away? You’re just not going to talk to me? After everything we’ve been through, after all the years of…this” Hollander said, gesturing between them.
Ilya didn’t look at him, he knew he had to get up to walk away. He knew it wouldn’t be good to have this conversation out in the open with drinks in his system. But he only managed to get to his feet and turn before he felt a hand grab his wrist. Then Ilya saw red and there was no going back. All the hurt and anger was spilling over the edge and Ilya didn’t have the energy to shove it back down.
“DO NOT FUCKING TOUCH ME! YOU don’t get to touch me! YOU don’t get to say sorry as if it will make everything better. YOU ran Hollander. YOU left! And now you’re acting as if I am the one who ran off and got girlfriend! Fuck you!”
Ilya was mad at himself for reacting, for acting like he cared, for breathing so hard his lungs were burning. He knew he was yelling too loud, he knew he had lost control but he has been miserable and alone and forced to have Hollander’s perfect fucking relationship shoved in his face. Forced to watch the other man move on like Ilya was nothing. And so, he kept shouting.
“You made this decision Hollander, so take your bed and fucking lay in it.”
“It’s made.” Hollander replied after a moment. His voice barely a whisper.
“What!? What are you talking about?”
“The saying… it’s you made your bed, now lay in it.”
“Oh fuck off Hollander.” And Ilya turned to walk away again, but then he heard the other man sobbing behind him.
As mad as he was he couldn’t leave Hollander standing on the beach like that. Not when he was crying so hard he was shaking and hyperventilating. He’s never seen Hollander like this before and he can’t help but think it feels worse than any hockey injury he’s ever had.
Yebat’
“Shhh, shhh Hollander. Is okay, okay?” Ilya said, willing himself to sound as sincere as possible, bringing his hands up to grab Hollander’s shoulders.
“Let’s go. You can not be here crying on beach.”
When Hollander made no attempt to move, Ilya took his elbow and guided him back towards the hotel. Ilya didn’t know where Hollander’s room was but his own room was close and they could hopefully get there quickly without being seen.
Ilya shoved Hollander in his room closing the door as soon as they were both inside. Hollander wasn’t crying as hard anymore but still had tears falling, streaking his cheeks. Ilya sat him down on the edge of the bed and went to the bathroom to get a cold cloth. He gently lifted Hollander’s face, pressing the cloth to his cheeks, hoping to cool his skin and calm him down. He tossed the cloth after a minute and continued to wipe the tears off Hollanders cheeks with his thumbs as he knelt in front of him, telling him to try to take some deep breaths. Once Hollander regained some composure he lifted his head to look at Ilya.
It was too overwhelming to have those big brown eyes stare back at him so Ilya tried to stand before he got lost in them. He needed to create some space but then there was a small thud of Hollander falling to his knees in front of him, reaching his arms out to wrap around Ilya’ shoulders.
“Don’t…please, please stay.”
It was a soft plea but Ilya listened and stayed. He kept his hands at his sides knowing the second he held Hollander back, and had him in his arms again, his walls would completely crumble.
Finally Hollander pulled away to sit back on his heels and Ilya took the opportunity to get out of the uncomfortable kneeling position and sit on the floor with his back against the bed. After a few minutes of awkward silence Hollander said something but it was too quiet and Ilya couldn’t understand.
“What are you saying Hollander, you are mumbling.”
“I said I’m sorry, for everything.”
“Is fine Hollander. But now that you are calm you should leave, yes?”
“Leave… but…What? Why?”
“Why? Because we are rivals, because we are not friends, because… because you have a Rose Landry and should not be here.”
“Ilya…”
“No, please Hollander. I am happy for you, and I will see you around, let’s leave it at that, yes?”
“Ilya, I don’t have a Rose… I mean me and Rose, we aren’t together. I don’t even know what we were, but we’re just friends now. I couldn’t be with her… not when I couldn’t stop thinking about…you.”
“Yebat’! Hollander, stop.”
“Please just hear me out Ilya, please. And then I’ll leave if you want. Please.”
Ilya kept his head down but gave a small nod.
“I’m sorry Ilya. I’m so fucking sorry I left. I’m so sorry I ran, but I was so scared.”
“I was scared too, Hollander, but I still asked you to stay. I still bought boring ginger ale and made tuna melt.”
“I know… I know. I don’t know what else to say other than I’m sorry… and I wish I could take it back everyday. I wish I had stayed, I wish I wasn’t scared of having feelings for you, I wish I hadn’t been so afraid of being…well…gay…which I am...”
Ilya couldn’t resist letting out a chuckle.
“Wow Hollander, I never thought you’d say that, even though was obvious considering how much you like sucking dick.”
Thankfully that made Hollander smile.
“Oh fuck off”
“Don’t worry Hollander, I keep your secret”
“Are… are you ever going to call me by my name again?”
Before Ilya could respond, the other man shifted and was straddling his lap, looking him in the eyes. Ilya couldn’t escape and for the first time in too long, they were face to face, lips just inches apart.
“Shane. I want you to call me Shane. I need to hear you say it again. Please, Ilya. I promise to be braver, I promise not to run, I promise to make it up to you. Just please…”
There were tears forming back in his eyes and Ilya couldn’t deny the man in his lap any longer. Not when he was getting a close up of the beautiful specks that covered Hollander‘s cheeks. Ilya got lost looking at those freckles so many times over the years, he loved them since that first day in Saskatchewan.
So he took a deep breath.
“Shane.”
He barely got the name out when he felt Shane’s lips on his. It wasn’t soft, it was desperate and hungry with too much teeth, as if Shane was trying to devour him whole. Ilya quickly brought his hands up to Shane’s face, pulling him back just slightly. Shane whined trying to continue the kiss but Ilya just held him there, foreheads pressed together. Then he moved one hands, one resting on Shane’s cheek as his other hand drifted down to hold Shane’s waist tightly. He rubbed his thumb along Shane’s cheek, pausing only slightly when going over his favourite little cluster of freckles under Shane’s left eye. Then he took his thumb and traced over Shane’s lips, allowing himself to linger at the sight of them. Swollen and red from the kiss they had shared. He had almost forgotten how soft they were, how perfect they left on his. Then Shane parted his lips and Ilya took it as an invitation to press his thumb into Shane’s mouth. Ilya knew Shane loved having something in his mouth, how it soothed him. Shane closed his eyes and Ilya watched the tension leave his shoulders a little bit at a time. When Shane opened his eyes again, Ilya gave him a small smile. Shane just smiled back, looking a little lighter and a little floaty. Ilya removed his thumb and brought their lips back together for a slow kiss. It was passionate and tender. Full of all the feelings they had held back for so long. It became more heated within seconds and before Ilya got too lost in it, he stopped the kiss again. Shane chased his mouth as Ilya shifted him off his lap, taking the opportunity to get to his feet before holding out his hands to help Shane off the floor. Once they were both upright, Ilya took Shane back into his arms and held him tight. Ilya felt Shane wrap his arms around his neck, as Ilya moved his hands around Shane’s waist and up the back of his shirt, feeling his warm skin underneath. He couldn’t help it, he had missed touching Shane so much. Missed his smell, his warmth, his… everything. He let his hands continue to roam from Shane’s back, to his front, running over his abs and up to his chest, fingers grazing over his nipples. It made Shane gasp and Ilya kissed him swallowing the sound.
Then Shane was tugging at Ilya’s shirt, almost ripping it in his desperate attempt to get it off. Ilya raised his arms and then was back grabbing Shane’s hips, shoving his knee between Shane’s legs to grind their fronts together. They were both hard and Ilya felt like he might explode in his pants. They only came apart again only long enough to get each other completely undressed before falling onto the bed, Shane with his back down on the comforter, Ilya laid between his thighs. They rubbed against each other, grinding their cocks together, both of them leaking with precum.
Shane brought his legs up to wrap around Ilya’s hips, moaning into Ilya’s mouth, begging him for more. Ilya thought he was going to cum right then. He loved when Shane let go, when he was loud. He thought he would never get to hear those sounds again. He needed to hear them all night long… for the rest of his life if Shane allowed it.
He reached between them, slicking his fingers with Shane’s pre cum before he continued his way down to Shane’s entrance. Shane’s breath caught, a whimper escaping his lips as Ilya circled his hole. They kissed again, and Ilya felt like he was losing it, he always knew how much he loved kissing Shane but this felt different, like he was coming alive.
Ilya slipped his finger into Shane, pulling away just enough to watch his face for any signs of discomfort, any sign they should stop. Shane just nodded, looking blissed out with parted lips curled up in a smile. Their eyes met as Ilya continued to pump his finger in and out at a slow pace. Shane wriggled against him, reaching his hands up to run through Ilya’s curls.
“Please” Shane whispered against his lips, and Ilya added another finger, stretching and scissoring Shane’s hole to get him ready.
Once Ilya had Shane begging and panting, open enough to take him, he grabbed for the lube and a condom in his nightstand.
He shifted to sit back on his heels, opening the condom wrapper. He was just getting ready to slide it down his length until Shane grabbed his hands and pulled the condom away.
“Please, Ilya… I need to feel you. I want you… just you. I want this with you.”
“Shane… we have never. Are you sure?”
“I am Ilya, I want this so bad. I missed you so much.”
Ilya searched Shane’s face for any hesitation, giving him time to change his mind. But Shane tossed the condom aside and grabbed the lube from Ilyas hand. Shane sat up just enough to slick Ilyas hard cock and then he laid back down, spreading his thighs wide, inviting Ilya in. Ilya settling himself between Shane’s legs, and lined himself up with Shane’s entrance. He looked up at Shane as he slid his tip in, letting Shane adjust to the feeling, knowing it had been a while. He only continued once Shane wrapped his legs around his back and nudged Ilya forward. Ilya went slow despite Shane’s apparent urgency. He had to, he had never had anyone like this, with nothing in between, and Shane always felt amazing but this…this was so new, so perfect. Shane was incredibly tight and warm, it made it almost impossible for Ilya to keep his composure. He breathed deep, going in one inch at a time until he bottomed out. He held himself there, giving Shane another moment now that he was completely full, but also to gather some self control. He couldn’t cum too quickly, he needed this to last. He needed to keep Shane in his bed as long as possible.
“Please Ilya… please move…” Shane whispered against his ear.
Ilya went slow, dragging out his full length with every thrust, eyes locked on Shane as if he might disappear any second. He had to keep looking in those big brown eyes to know this was real, that Shane was really here. Shane looked back, eyes half closed, flushed from his cheeks to his chest. Shane was so beautiful, especially like this, under Ilya losing control. Ilya had missed this so much, had missed Shane so much. He never thought he would get this again, but he was so happy he had been wrong.
They kept that pace, going slow until Shane started begging Ilya to go faster. Ilya knew they were both close, he could feel own his release building and Shane was getting louder, spilling Ilya’s name from his lips like a prayer. Ilya increased his pace, going faster and harder, snapping his hips up just right to hit Shane’s prostate. Shane was desperately chasing his own orgasm, moving his hips up to meet Ilyas every thrust.
Only another minute passed before Shane was arching his back, crying out, white streaks shooting out between their bodies. Ilya wasn’t far behind, his hips losing their steady rhythm. He buried himself as deep as he could when he came, making sure to fill Shane with every last drop.
It was so intense that Ilya wasn’t sure how much time passed when he finally realized he was still collapsed on top of Shane. He was still gripping Shanes waist tightly, head buried in Shane’s neck when he felt something wet on his shoulder. Was Shane….crying? Oh god. The panic hit Ilya like a wave and he stiffened immediately. This is it. This is when Shane would tell him he regretted it, grab his clothes and go, just like last time.
Ilya brought his arms up to push himself up but Shane’s arms were holding him down tight, wrapped around Ilya’s neck, and they only tightened when Ilya shifted. Shane seemed determined to keep them plastered together. Ilya turned his up his face slightly so he could whisper into Shane’s ear.
“Shhh moya lyubov', I’m not going anywhere. Let me see you, is okay.”
Shane loosened his grip just enough for Ilya to bring himself up on his elbows. Their chests were still pressed together but Shane wouldn’t let go completely. Shane kept his head down, tears still spilling from the corners of his eyes. Ilya brought a hand up to lift Shane’s chin, needing Shane to look at him.
“What happened Hollander…did I hurt you? Are you okay? Talk to me.” He tried to keep his voice quiet and calm but his voice cracked on the last word. The fear of what was going to happen next making itself known.
After a few moments Shane finally looked up and Ilya braced himself for the worst.
Shane took a deep breath and moved his hands to the back of Ilya’s head, dug his fingers through his curls and pulled Ilya in for a kiss. It was soft, and warm, just a light press of their lips.
“I’m sorry, I’m okay. I’m just so… happy. I was so scared I had lost you. And I can’t Ilya… I can’t ever lose you Ilya”
Ilya was stunned, he felt like his heart would burst in his chest. He felt tears rush to his eyes but he swallowed hard and blinked them back. He smiled so wide he thought his face would split. He shoved his face into the crook of Shane’s neck and spoke into Shane’s skin.
“Never Shane, you will never lose me. Ya byla tak slomlena bez tebya.”
He lifted his head back to look at Shane. They were both smiling, nose to nose, just breathing each other in when Shane let out a little giggle and Ilya couldn’t help but melt at the sound. He felt Shane shift underneath him so Ilya lifted himself off and laid himself at Shane’s side. Shane instantly clung to him as he settled onto the bed. He held Shane tightly, running one hand up and down Shane’s back and holding Shane’s hand with the other.
They stayed like that until ilya heard Shane’s breathing even out and he thought it was safe get up to go to the bathroom. He was sitting on the edge of the bed when Shane reached out, whimpering for Ilya not to leave. Ilya leaned back to whisper in Shane’s ear.
“Just getting a wash cloth sweetheart, you hate mess, yes?” and Shane settled back down into covers.
Ilya was looking down into the sink waiting for the water to heat up. He was so blissfully happy and caught up in the moment he didn’t even realized Shane had gotten out of bed until he felt arms wrap around his middle.
Shane met his eyes in the mirror
“Shower please… together, if that’s okay? I just want… I need to be close to you Ilya.”
Ilya turned so he was facing Shane. Shane’s eyes were a little puffy and red from all the crying but Ilya thought he looked gorgeous. He slipped a hand behind Shane’s head and brought their lips together. He kissed him, taking his time, tasting the other man’s mouth with every pass of their tongues. When they parted, Ilya pressed their foreheads together, grinning like an idiot in love.
“I’ll start the water.”
They knew they couldn’t spend the whole night together but they ended up tangled in the sheets once more before they both knew Shane would have to sneak out and go back to his own room. They cleaned themselves quickly, and Shane got dressed. Ilya kept his eyes on Shane the whole time, willing himself not to look as sad as he felt. As if Shane read his mind, he crawled back onto the bed back to where Ilya was lying and kissed his forehead.
“I mean it Ilya, I’m not running again. I’ll see you in a couple weeks… if you want to that is.”
“Of course I do, more than anything moya lyubov.”
They kissed again and then Shane was at the door, about to turn the doorknob when he looked back. Ilya couldn’t help but let out a small chuckle.
“What?”
“Nothing. Goodnight Shane.”
“Goodnight Ilya.”
Once Shane was gone, Ilya laid there staring at the ceiling. He knew he was screwed, he knew that he was in love, he knew how complicated it could make things for both of them…but he didn’t care. All he cared about was that slow fucking hockey player, with beautiful freckles, and that he would get to have him back in his arms in two weeks.