Chapter Text
“How is Victoria?" asks Doctor Shamsi one day in the breakroom, during a relatively slow day.
Three words – that’s all it takes for Cassie to seriously reconsider her Hippocratic oath.
She looks at Doctor Shamsi, expression open and curious. Earnest.
“She is good," tells Cassie with an even tone. "She went back to medical studies, as you know. Might ask for a residency in emergency medicine or psychiatry.”
Cassie sees that Doctor Shamsi wants to say something but catches herself before it leaves her lips. It only fuels the fire of her wrath.
How could you birth such a wonderful daughter and not love her unconditionally? How could you raise such a bright girl to crush her at every opportunity?
Cassie knows Vadi doesn’t like her to criticise her mother. But Cassie thinks it’s deserved; after all, it’s partly because of her mother that Victoria had to spend several months in a psych ward.
“I know that," Doctor Shamsi finally says. "My husband and the PTMC keep me updated on her state. But I want to know, one mother to another. Is my daughter happy and healthy?
In the dark part of her mind. The part that continuously whispers about the thrills of the bottle and the syringe. Cassie strangles Elein Shamsi with her stethoscope.
But the more reasonable side of her, the one who kept her in med school, the one who cherishes Vadi's smile and laughter like the treasures they are, stays her hand. That one recognises what Doctor Shamsi is doing.
She is learning; she is trying.
Cassie takes her time to answer; outside of the break room, she sees Dr Al Ashimi and Langdon sneaking a not-so-furtive look at the two mothers.
“I…..she is neither of those, but she is getting better. She laughs and smiles more now. She has taken to truly decorating her place. Harrison, Doctor Santos and I had to combine forces to prevent her from painting the whole place in pink and fuchsia. "She doesn't say that Abbot bribed her from doing that by buying her a full pink computer and headset with cute cat ears.
Doctor Shamsi chuckles a bit and mutters something in a tongue Cassie doesn't recognise but sounds a bit like those words Vadi said under her breath sometimes, and that she tries to teach Harrison.
“She always loved bright colours; you should see her childhood drawings, full of pink, purple and everything else. ”Tell Doctor Shamsi. “I found them when I packed her stuff after that day last July. Could I give you some?
Cassie is briefly lost and brought back to that cursed shift on the last fourth of July. how it ended in tears and cries.
How Doctor Abbot had to drag a delirious Samira from the roof before flattening Robby's tyre and dragging him, with the help of Whitakker, to a psych ward.
She remembered the gaunt look of Santos after she opened her wrists. The haunted eyes of Landgon, who found her and talked her out of deepening the cuts, stabilising the wound at the same time with Doctor King.
She remembered Doctor Al hashimi as she saw the blood, looking absent for a moment before yelling orders and taking charge of the delirious ER as it was a warzone with Dana, Perlah, Princess and Doctor King as her supports.
Cassie had nightmares from that day; she sometimes thought about what would have happened. If she had not seen Victoria, a faraway look on her face, taking the steps to the roof.
She had run, ignoring the confused yells of everyone else. She had seen Victoria inches away from the barrier on the roof and tackled her.
The young student, who made Cassie's heart miss its beats like no human has the right to, dissolved in tears when she realised who had come.
Later that day, hand firmly clasped with Cassie, Victoria Javadi entered the psych ward as well.
Cassie suddenly remembered she still hadn’t answered Doctor Shamsi.
“I could ask," Cassie said. “I do not promise anything; you know how triggering you still are.”
Doctor Shamsi nods. She looks like Cassie's words had struck her, and maybe it was the intent. She and some other physicians had taken ER shifts to make up for the temporary loss of manpower. Cassie had seen how Doctor Shamsi had been so disoriented and disgruntled at first, before slowly but surely gaining her footing in here.
She had also heard how Doctor Shamsi and Javadi had been on the verge of divorce and were now taking couple therapy. Both realising how close they had been to destroying their daughter.
“Thank you…” Doctor Shamsi said. “... Those months had been… humbling. I didn’t realise how intense and important your work, her work was. I didn’t see how my daug… how victoria was hurting.”
“And whose fault is that?" snaps Cassie. "What would you have said had she jumped? blamed her for not being strong enough ?”
“Don’t be cruel," sneered Doctor Shamsi back.
“I don’t need to be; you are enough for both of us," continues Cassie. “You put so much pressure on Vic! always berated her, never consoled her! She told me she even feared you never loved her!"
Cassie knows she crossed a line, and by the look of Dana and Frank in the corner of her eyes, so do they. She knew Vadi would give her shit for it later. But she doesn't mind.
Doctor Shamsi's face morphs into pure fury for a second, like a tiger ready to attack, but she doesn’t; instead, she slowly breathes in and out before slowly lowering her head.
“Yes…” she says. “I didn’t see it; I only wanted her best, wanted her to be so good… It wasn’t until recently that I realised that what I thought was best wasn't what she needed and almost cost me my daughter and my husband.”
Cassie had heard about the epic yelling match that had happened between Doctor Javadi senior and Doctor Shamsi, right outside the hospital psych ward, two weeks after Vadi's admission and right after their first visit. They hadn’t yelled in English, and none of the Indian and Pakistani nurses or doctors had been willing to disclose what had been said. But Mckay has seen that Perlah never looked at Doctor Shamsi in the eyes anymore.
“I’m trying to be better… for them," continued Doctor Shamsi. "Break out decades of conditioning and assumption; it’s hard… but I hope it is worth it…" I hope Bhagwan and Allah will smile upon my family again.”
They already are, Mckay thinks, and file the double invocation of the Muslim and Indian deities for a later discussion with Vadi.
Mckay knows that Abbot and Mohan have started hanging out after work; the betting pool for when they will see HR is getting larger by the week.
She also heard about how Mel and her sister, Becca, are now regular guests at the Langdon house for the weekends and holidays.
Al Hashimi, after their common Pilates classes, had let it slip that Trinity, who broke up with Santos, and even Robby join Dennis sometimes at Abby Farm; it seems there is a bit of a competition between Santos and Whittaker to see who can woo Amy.
She had seen the new nurse Emma and Joy exchange a passionate kiss once at a café while she was in town. And she knows both of them sometimes go out with a happy-to-tag-along Dana.
For her part, she had been with Vadi and Harrison the day when she saw them, fresh out of an afternoon playing laser tag.
She didn’t know if that vision had been the one to give her strength, but that night, as she dropped Vadi to her flat, she had kissed her on the cheek. A small peck, but close, near the lips.
And she knew she hadn’t hallucinated Vadi's eyes darkening and blushing expression.
But she was with Harrison that night; she had obligations to her son. But she would have lied if she had said she would have hoped Chad asked to get Harrison that night.
“Give it time," says Cassie. "Time and constant action often fix things.”
"Mayhaps," Eileen says, eyeing the exterior of the ER, where Santos and Mel are treating a nervous-looking Black woman. “I’m not used to it… but I will learn, for Victoria."
Cassie smiles at Eileen. She knows the feeling, that will to improve, for the one who loves.
To each mother her own battle. Cassie thinks as she gets up. Hers was her addiction; Eleen is her own mind and value.
Eileen gets up as well and puts a hand on Cassie's arms.
“I must ask," she says, “what is my daughter to you?"
Her tone is both strong and vulnerable.
Cassie's mind runs like a bullet train.
What is Vadi to her? Who is Tori to her ?
She was a drug at first. I thought she would ruin me again. I thought she was my ticket to hell, addiction under a new, more desirable and forbidden shape.
Then there was the roof.
She was an angel, something broken, to protect, cherish, and repair. Someone that I once was. Someone that would become like me, at my worst. She was my light.
But now.
She is just Vadi. Smart, show off, awkward, stubborn and a bit judgemental. But sweet, innocent, curious, too good for this world. Perfect with Harrison. Someone she could see herself coming home to, arguing with, saying yes to.
She doesn’t say any of it to Eileen. This belongs to her and Vadi.
“She is a friend, someone I hold dear. Maybe a companion.”
Eleen nods, an expression that Cassie can’t decipher in her eyes.
“Please be good to her, even though I have no right to ask you of this.” She say
“I will," Cassie answers.
Eileen nods and opens the door.
“I would lend you some of her baby photos for you and Harrison. She was a cute baby," she says before coming back to the chaos of the ER.