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Before his eyes could register the blinding light, a gasp hit him first.
“He’s awake!”
Sizhui’s brow wrinkled as a pain worse than his splitting headache bubbled up from his stomach. Heat washed over his face and he pressed a question past the roof of his room and into the sky.
Out of all the people that could be hovering over him, why did it have to be Wei Wuxian?
The world seemed to spin around Sizhui as he laid motionless, squinting at every excited face that crowded around him. They all held their breath, waiting for a response Sizhui didn’t know how to give. His words didn’t feel right while dizzy, especially as his mind squirmed uncomfortably at the memory of how he got there.
“Can you hear us? Say something!” Jingyi’s enthusiasm jumped ahead of everyone else.
Sizhui could practically weep at his friend’s insistence at his own ruin. The moment Sizhui spoke, he would have to admit to the events that lead up to his accident, and what he witnessed.
The oil painted fan waving at his side hadn’t stopped, controlled by a dutiful half gloved hand. It gave Sizhui crisp air to breathe while his internal panic boiled him alive.
All of those who waited for Sizhui to respond would eventually hear his story. They would learn about Sizhui’s walk to the Jingshi, reports in hand, tilting his ear toward the building. The open secret of what took place behind the doors, and sometimes outside of those doors, was well known within the sect. The best strategy involved listening to know if the activities inside were deemed as safe to interrupt.
Sizhui had followed the same procedure countless times. Often appointed as the one to deliver news due to his close association to both inhabitants, and eventually because he had the practice, he stood at the door, waiting for any indication not to knock.
Not hearing a single sound since his arrival, Sizhui took his chance and knocked, calling as he did. “Hanguang-Jun? Wei-qianbei? Are you awake?” He waited on an answer that never came and tried again. “Hanguang-Jun? I have the report you requested with me. Should I leave it on the table?”
Receiving nothing once more, Sizhui sighed, jostling the scrolls against his arms. Knowing the pair frequently came and left as freely as they wanted, speaking to an empty room was nothing new to him. His job ended once he delivered the reports to the Jingshi so they just needed to reach the table.
Sizhui pushed open the heavy door and stepped inside. His eyes didn’t need to scan the room to know where everything was as his feet directed him right to the low table next to a resting guqin. The scrolls rolled out of his hold to rest in place and he turned on the spot to leave, which became the biggest regret of his life.
Neither Lan Wangji or Wei Wuxian had actually left the Jingshi that night, it was still very occupied, as were any mouths that could have responded to Sizhui’s earlier knocks.
The sheer horror that overcame Sizhui was instantaneous. He was sure his eyes matched the size of the moon as the two seniors froze in shock. Sizhui on the other hand, was anything but frozen as fight or flight took control and he burst into a sprint.
A sprint that didn’t take him very far, just into the nearby building support beam.
Sizhui’s eyes snapped closed as he suffered through the mental agony of remembering what happened before the world went dark. The opportunity of springing up in search of anything to help him forget what he saw wasn’t an option when he was surrounded by so many people; the very same who likely brought him back to his room to recover.
With a groan, Sizhui internally cursed his situation. As feet shuffled around his bed, he desperately tried to wish himself to the furthest point from where he was. He didn’t want to face the embarrassment, or memory.
He just wanted to pretend it never happened.
“Sizhui?” Wei Wuxian called with a sickly sweet innocence. “Are you alright? Does something hurt?”
Motivation to respond dwindled lower and lower, but Sizhui knew there was no way of avoiding it. He had to open his eyes and face what would likely be the next wave of gossip to make its round through Cloud Recesses. At least it would give him a reason to get out of the duty of handing in reports.
Sliding up by his elbows, his move to sit was guarded by multiple hands that shot out at once. Each face turned from curious to worried, watching Sizhui’s every move. “I um…” He groaned with one side of his jaw aching more than the other. “My head really hurts, but other than that I think I’m fine.”
The room breathed a collective sigh of relief. Wei Wuxian’s mouth scrunched to the side of his face in thought. He leaned uncomfortably close, examining Sizhui as if the answer was written on his skin. “Just your head?” He mumbled, sliding his thumb and forefinger around his chin.
Wei Wuxian hummed louder and Sizhui’s wish to miraculously have a transportation talisman grew. It was mainly his fault for Sizhui ending up in the predicament that he did, and yet Wei Wuxian kept pressing like a concerned auntie.
His room had never felt so suffocating.
“Do you…” Wei Wuxian murmured into the crook of his fingers. He hummed again, tilting his head back and forth on his shoulders. “Do you remember what happened?” He questioned, posing a snap of his fingers with it.
Sizhui bit into his bottom lip and looked away. He could only hope his silence was enough of an answer, but it could never be that simple.
A short yet sharp gasp punctuated Wei Wuxian’s level breathing, lifting his brow with his surprise. “You don’t remember!”
The rest of the room echoed the energy, trading whispers in seconds.
Sizhui gripped the edge of his blanket as he worked through the strange sensation settling in his stomach. His headache was quickly forgotten; it was the least of his concerns.
Was this his way out?
Without another word, Wei Wuxian grabbed his hands, holding them up as he focused straight on Sizhui’s face. “What do you remember? Don’t tell me you’ve forgotten who you are!” His voice rose with his assumption while his hands tightened their grip.
Sizhui’s heart rate spiked as he struggled to lean back. “No, I know who I am.” His reassurance did little to the sudden concern clouding each face, or the hand that paused waving the paper fan.
Looking over the younger disciples he had helped guide earlier that day, Jingyi’s visual battle of confusion, and back to Wei Wuxian’s pressing expression, Sizhui planned his words carefully. “I know who I am, I know Jingyi, you, Wei-qianbei, and…” Turning his head, Sizhui finally made eye contact with Jin Ling. His posture was rigid, dutiful, even as he slowly wrung the fan between his hands.
Summoning a smile despite the situation felt appropriate to fight back the deep valleys forming on Jin Ling’s brow. “And of course I remember Jin Ling.”
A jolt pushed Jin Ling’s chest out and the nervous action of his hands stopped. His cheeks turned a shade of red as he released a held breath. Seeing him deflate with ease helped Sizhui’s own nerves regain confidence, just enough to turn his head back to hold onto the opportunity presented for him.
“I remember getting ready to lead a nighthunt. We were meant to set out before sunrise and…” Sizhui bit into his cheek to stop the impulse of over-explaining himself. He had said enough, all that was left to do was sigh and look down.
Wei Wuxian’s theories clicked into place as his eyes lit up. “So you just forgot what happened today! That’s not too bad. Not too bad at all.” His burst of laughter jumped and so did he, releasing Sizhui’s hands in favour of standing. “I thought something like this might’ve happened. You whacked your head pretty well there!”
Sizhui forced himself to laugh, following with the narrative he was given. “It sounds like I did.” He added, rubbing his forehead. Lying wasn’t a practice he enjoyed, but it didn’t exactly count when he just left out certain details, allowing others to fill in the blanks for him.
It was the best outcome he could get considering the situation. Wei Wuxian took the lead of crafting what the issue was with ease. He convinced the crowd around them without Sizhui having to do any of the work, almost as if he had planned it from the start.
Shaking his head, Sizhui decided not to think too deeply about it. If Wei Wuxian saw through the faked memory loss, or if he wanted to get ahead with making his own story, Sizhui wouldn’t be the one to ruin his chance to save himself some face. If only he could forget what he saw that night.
Fighting back a shiver, Sizhui waved at the disciples who were shooed out by Jingyi’s orders. “He’s fine so everyone back to what you were doing before! He doesn’t need a crowd!”
Crossing his arms over his chest, Wei Wuxian chuckled, adding fuel to the fire. “Don’t let Hanguang-Jun see you slacking off now!” His teasing was taken as a warning and suddenly those pushing back against Jingyi’s wide sweeping arms shuffled out without complaint.
Finally it was Sizhui’s turn to exhale in relief. He had escaped the worst of it. The only worry he had left was how to nurse the borderline migraine that wanted to hang around.
“Wei Wuxian.” Jin Ling spoke up from his spot near Sizhui’s bed. His back straightened, while his eyes fought between what to focus on. “Seeing as it was my group that joined in on the nighthunt, I’ll remind Lan Yuan of what happened today.”
A grin spread across Wei Wuxian’s face, finding the idea agreeable enough for his arms to drop back to his sides. “That works for me! I need to get back to Lan Zhan. I’m sure he’s dying to hear that about A-Yuan’s condition. Too bad he couldn’t leave that report alone or he’d be here.”
It was amazing witnessing Wei Wuxian’s skill for lying when knowing the true context. His expression didn’t change from his usual relaxed grin, well, except when his smile tried to turn blinding. He was filled with secrets, yet happy to skip out the door with a feigned clean conscience.
The moment the door closed behind him Sizhui felt his chest release its tension all at once. Even with the hint of dizziness circling around his head, his body had become lighter.
Placing a hand to his chest, Sizhui took in a long inhale, regulating his breathing. Jin Ling found his own time to take a seat at the edge of his bed, still wring the fan in his grip.
“Do you need some water?” It took a moment for Jin Ling’s voice to gain traction, as if his throat had to be warmed up. His fingers played with the bamboo slants of the fan, bending them in strange directions.
Sizhui shook his head and remembered to smile. “Maybe later, but right now I’m okay.” His hands fell to rest in his lap; a show of manners after the unexpected night. “Please, tell me about the details from today. I might remember some things as you speak.”
Jin Ling’s focus darted around the room. A visible lump slipped down his throat, and Sizhui swore he watched a bead of sweat roll down the side of his head before he turned with forced enthusiasm. “Today went well!” Jin Ling’s volume exploded, a far cry from its earlier quiet burn.
Nodding along was Sizhui’s best action to take. Out of fear of giving himself away, it was best to allow Jin Ling to recount the day without any input, and miraculously recover the day’s memories he missed in the morning. All he had to do was give Jin Ling the space to speak and paint the picture he remembered.
“We met up just outside of Caiyi Town and our groups joined together for a day of nighthunting, just as planned.” Jin Ling’s jaw shifted as he breathed. The glow of his honeyed eyes flickered, recollecting the memories for him. “Lan disciples formed teams with my own disciples, and they went off to look for any interesting signs. It left you, Jingyi and I to wander through the trees by ourselves. There were only a few times we needed to assist.”
The retelling was simpler than imagined, cutting through any details that could be classified as unnecessary. It was exactly how Sizhui knew Jin Ling’s reporting style to be - right to the point and simple. It made listening to him even easier than it already was.
Clearing his throat, Jin Ling’s eyes danced away once more. “Around the time we had planned to end the hunt, Jingyi ran off on his own to help a smaller group.”
That was new. If Sizhui’s memory was actually all intact, there wasn’t a single point the three of them had split up.
“It took him a lot longer than we thought so we started walking out of the forest. You had asked me about how Koi Tower was and I mentioned an upcoming merchant trade event that is happening for a few days.” Jin Ling’s words sped faster, adding superfluous information, a tactic to make his lie more believable. Even if Sizhui had forgotten the events of the day, the quick wag of Jin Ling’s tongue would make him suspicious enough.
“And that’s when…” The fan twisted harder in Jin Ling’s lap, popping with a muffled crunch. “Well I invited you to come visit if you were available, to take some time off, and that’s when you…”
Sizhui leaned forward with spiking interest. He couldn’t help laying a hand on Jin Ling’s shoulder, encouraging the fabricated story to unravel. “What did I do?”
“You…” Jin Ling’s eyes snapped to Sizhui’s face, gauging his expression. A deep flush spread around his cheeks and neck, sinking in further as he looked away. “You said you would like to go, but only if it was just the two of us, and then… you kissed me.”
Oh, this was interesting.
“It was really fast. I almost didn’t know it was happening until you started talking again, saying how you’ve wanted to pursue me for a while.” Jin Ling took in a choppy breath, steeling his nerves. “We agreed on nothing official since it would be a pain and just to… see where things go.”
A curl made its way through Sizhui’s smile. He certainly had allowed to see where things went. Who knew the proud Jin sect leader didn’t mind a lie or two.
“Hm, I see.” Sizhui allowed his hand to fall away from Jin Ling’s shoulder and back to his own lap. It was important to play along to save himself the anguish of explaining how he put himself in such a situation, and to hear more of what Jin Ling had in store.
The bedding underneath them shifted as Sizhui slid closer, his legs tucking underneath him. The visible nervousness kept Jin Ling firmly in place; it was kind of adorable. “I wish I could remember that.” His fingers played with the hem of his sleeves and his eyes copied the same avoidance. “Did anything else happen that-”
“If you don’t remember then it’s fine!” Suddenly blurting out the unnecessary reassurance left Jin Ling breathless. His knuckles had turned white, his grip on the once elegant fan turning it to scrap. “I’m not going to force you to do anything so we can just forget about it until you remember.”
Jin Ling rushed to stand. His boots knocked with the wooden bed frame, and his posture turned rigid as a mountain. “And nothing else happened. That’s all, so I’ll go now.” He mumbled in a hurry that his mouth could barely maintain.
The simple bedding slipped to the floor as Sizhui jumped up, head still spinning. “Wait, Jin Ling!”
Sizhui wondered if it was his raised voice that startled Jin Ling enough to stop in his tracks, or if it was the hand around his wrist. His flustered expression, painted in deep pinks and emboldened by his brow, became more defined, yet softer, giving in just a bit as he turned around.
It was an odd sensation catching himself staring a little too long into Jin Ling’s eyes. It was easier to forget the time he spent staring, and just laugh it off.
“You should wait to hear my response.” His explanation leaned heavily on his teaching experience. Choosing words carefully and slowly not to scare any nervous young disciples worked well even on sect leaders.
Looking down at the floor momentarily shook off the strange nervousness that took Sizhui by surprise. “I think we should go tomorrow.” He smiled, leaning in and sneaking another glance at the storm of emotions overcasting Jin Ling’s face. “I’m a man of my word, even if I forgot it. So let’s go. Just promise me there won’t be a chaperone.”
The light in Jin Ling’s eyes sparkled. His shoulders rose even as his head dipped. “It’ll be just the two of us, like you said.” Jin Ling eyed his still snagged wrist, but made no motion to change it.
“Yes,” Sizhui hummed. A voice inside his head scolded him for playing along. There was a point when pretending he was oblivious would be too far, but it was too intriguing, watching Jin Ling fidget and mold his lie. “It’ll be just like I said.”
~
Strolling through noisy market roads was no different for Sizhui. It didn’t matter if a town was small or if there were many wealthy families around, vendors would call with the same practiced exuberance.
Delicately painted lamps hung from one stall, decorated in prosperous blazing reds, and just after it another stall sat stacked with rows and rows of ready to eat sweet breads. There was no cohesion among the stands, a sign in itself that most weren’t permanent stores. They all vied for the same space, same eyes, and heavy coin purses.
Yet the person with the heaviest purse of all seemed more interested in Sizhui’s mood than anything worth buying.
It had nearly become uncomfortable by the amount of times Jin Ling stole glances thinking he was going unnoticed. His steps faltered slightly each time, as if he had to freeze in place to accurately read Sizhui’s expression. His determination was flattering, in a funny sort of way.
“Jin Ling?” Just by the call of his name, his posture snapped back up straight; it was adorable. “Is there anything you wanted to buy? We might walk through the entire market soon without actually looking at anything.”
Jin Ling’s mouth scrunched up on his face, clearly considering the comment in detail. “Well…” His voice faded out, taken over by the lively mood around them. “I was waiting for you to find something you like.” The answer was sheepish, just like Jin Ling’s eyes.
Sizhui sighed through his nose, struggling not to break into a perplexed grin. Taking advantage of Sizhui’s supposed memory loss was obviously done in unplanned haste. All the creativity Jin Ling had seemed to have been used up to craft his story rather than use it for their date.
Perhaps it was part of Jin Ling’s plan to convince him. According to him, it was Sizhui’s proposal all along, he was the one who wanted time alone together. The imagined past Sizhui who was quite the romantic going in for a kiss before even declaring he wanted to pursue Jin Ling. If only he could ask what the other him had in mind.
The crackle of fire under portable stoves popped and snapped as Sizhui took time to breathe. His nose itched with the smell of crumbling charcoal. Through the rumbling noise of conversations overlapping one another, the scent proved to be louder, and brighter, filling his lungs.
“That,” Sizhui hummed, turning in place. He gestured with an open palm towards the source, giving Jin Ling a moment to react. “We’ve been walking so long, we should eat something.”
Jin Ling shrugged at the normalcy of the suggestion. “Sure.” He breathed, hand already rummaging around in his sleeve pocket. “I thought you might want to find a place to sit and eat, but if you want street food that’s fine with me.”
Sizhui’s head tilted, sliding the new curiosity into place in his mind. If Jin Ling had ideas for what he wanted, why did he wait until Sizhui chose for them?
Did Jin Ling want him to plan everything - as part of the lie, or part of guilt?
“I didn’t think you’d want something like this…” Jin Ling twirled the wooden skewer sticks between his fingers, cautious about handing them over. His brow wrinkled as he took a sniff above the glistening meat. “I don’t even know what meat it is. Maybe lamb..? Are you sure you want this?”
“I’m sure.” Sizhui hid his laugh behind his sleeve. Listening to the uncertain ramble was amusing. It was still difficult to read exactly why Jin Ling’s nerves came and went like the tide, but chasing to find why with feet running over hot sand wasn’t such a bad feeling.
Nabbing a steaming meat skewer, Sizhui examined his impulsive choice with a keen eye. Heavily seasoned with the lingering scent of charcoal clinging to it, there was nothing to be apprehensive about. Jin Ling’s nerves were obviously clouding his judgement, but if he was so uncertain, Sizhui wouldn’t mind assisting him.
“Hey!” Jin Ling’s voice was thin, irritation cut down by sheer shock as he could only watch as Sizhui bent forward, and nabbed a piece of meat between his teeth from Jin Ling’s own skewer.
The feeling of triumph left Sizhui’s heart pounding. The flavour on his tongue, salt and oil, created a film that had an incomparable taste when it paired with success. He had left Jin Ling stunned with an open mouth, not many ever had the opportunity.
“Yours looked better.” Sizhui swallowed, flashing a smile. He licked his lips, contemplating if he had already gone too far, but when he remembered Jin Ling’s fabrication of events, the idea of playing along didn’t seem so bad.
When he tired for a second bite, lowering his head close to Jin Ling’s chest, he finally received a reaction. Jin Ling’s closed tight fist pulled the skewer back as his eyes held an owlish stare.
“Eat your own!” A swift turn attempted to hide the flush growing on Jin Ling’s cheeks. The wooden skewer hovered around his mouth as he angled it different ways, considering his approach silently. The way he moved it to his mouth just to rethink was endearing. He nearly couldn’t bring himself to wrap his lips around the same place Sizhui had, until he sucked in a deep breath, and went for it.
Sizhui followed, finally digging into his own as his eyes stayed trained on the young sect leader. Wondering what Jin Ling was planning to do after their date ended did come to Sizhui’s mind before the day began. Questions if Jin Ling would claim them incompatible to put a stop to the lie without admitting it, or if he would keep it going, wrapping Sizhui into a deep web of stories.
It was an odd thought. Why couldn’t Jin Ling just tell Sizhui his romantic intentions directly? The man never had any issue expressing himself before. Choosing to start being reserved in regards to Sizhui while using his ‘condition’ to his advantage didn’t line up.
“Let’s get that.” Sizhui gestured with a tilt of his head to another food stall steaming with fresh rice cakes, made in a way he was sure was a northern specialty.
Mid tear into the last of his meat skewer Jin Ling paused. His brow raised as he spun on his heel, leaning towards where Sizhui motioned in a near comical hunch. “That?” He murmured, mouth latched to his food.
Sizhui nodded with a practiced smile. “And that too.” He pointed out another simple stall. From a distance on the laid out plate, appeared to be something fried in oil and covered in sesame seeds. A treat without a confirmed name, but definitely not normally available in Cloud Recesses.
If Sizhui was going to have some fun with the situation, he might as well try new things.
“Oh,” He breathed, the energy in his voice dropping. “Did I promise to be the one to pay for everything?” Sizhui pressed his thumb into his cheek, holding his chin in thought. “I can’t quite remember… but if I’m the one that asked you out then I should probably pay.”
The whites of Jin Ling’s eyes grew larger and his scrambling was instantaneous. Sizhui’s hand didn’t make it to his sleeve pocket before Jin Ling snatched his wrist.
“I’m paying.” The low rumble to Jin Ling’s voice was surprising, to both of them. Jin Ling blinked, caught in disbelief at the sound of his own insistence. His mouth hung open, and his mind chugged to grasp at anything to save him.
It was an interesting watch; Jin Ling had finally been forward about what he wanted.
The heat of Sizhui’s smile traveled up to his cheeks. Studying all of Jin Ling’s reactions, more big than small, wasn’t just amusing, it was sweet.
“Only if you want to…” The roll of Sizhui’s tongue was lazy in his mouth. He waited, stretching out time, giving Jin Ling the opportunity to be sure with his decisions.
Jin Ling swallowed a visible lump in his throat. “I’m sure. I want to treat you.”
Again, Sizhui eyed the conviction with razor-sharp interest. It had to go somewhere, it had to have a deeper purpose. Until he found it, curling his wrist to allow his fingers to play with the back of Jin Ling’s hand would help pull it out.
“Okay.” The whisper fell between them. Featherlight and precise, aiding in the picturesque burn on Jin Ling’s skin as he pulled back.
Shuffling between stalls, returning each time to drop more treats into Sizhui’s palms, Jin Ling carried out his self assigned duty silently. His gaze remained at Sizhui’s chin level, as if he had encountered something more terrifying than a vengeful ghost and couldn’t meet eyes with it.
It left Sizhui to happily munch, working on identifying flavours and what added a crunch to the chewy rice cake. For all the joy he had with testing to see how far Jin Ling would go to keep up the show, moments of guilt still slipped through. Regardless if Jin Ling was blatantly trying to take advantage of someone ‘experiencing memory loss’, he had some sort of affection for Sizhui. Enough to take opportunities when he saw them, while not being overly pushy and spinning ludicrous stories.
Getting free food and maybe a trinket or two would equalize the scales of possible exploitation, but Sizhui wasn’t a horrible person. Jin Ling would still be his friend at the end of the day when he would pretend to gently let him down and call off the imaginary courting. If Jin Ling had wanted a romantic day together, Sizhui would be lenient, just a bit.
He just never expected his own skin to be so clammy when he held Jin Ling’s hand.
The thump of his heart hammered louder against his ribs when Jin Ling grew brave and laced their fingers tight together. A compact grin rounded Jin Ling’s cheeks and the pride shining in his eyes was new. Sizhui had experienced Jin Ling throwing orders as a sect leader, showing off newly mastered sword skills, and even successful nighthunts with beasts larger than a house, yet somehow, his smiles then couldn’t compare to the living blaze he was while holding Sizhui’s hand.
Sizhui almost couldn’t look away. Lost in his warm brown eyes and the curve of his mouth. There was something hiding under the surface only glimpses allowed him to see, to feel so close to him. It was a mystery Sizhui wanted to dig into while it felt in reach.
Perhaps his fantasy self wasn’t so far off by acting so bold to find it.
Laughter peeled around them as a soft thud bounced into Sizhui’s boot. Jin Ling’s hand nervously retracted, tucking up tight to his chest as Sizhui glanced down, coming face to face with a woven bamboo ball and the gaggle of children that ran to it. Their grins shined with innocence, having enough manners to stop and apologize first.
Sizhui bent down, rolling the ball into his palm with a simple gesture. He couldn’t help smiling back, feeling a small ache in his chest for the carefree activity.
Noise, running, it had all the core points Cloud Recesses forbade. In his childhood, such games were few and far between, reserved only for outside the sect. The opportunity had never truly presented itself for Sizhui in such a way, regardless if it was past his time to enjoy it.
And what wasn’t enjoying new experiences if he didn’t take it and see how far Jin Ling would indulge him?
Raising the bamboo ball in his hand, Sizhui stepped forward. “Would you accept two seniors to join you?” It was odd referring to himself in such a way, even if he had already trained younger disciples for years. They were far from old, but when compared to children that were hip height, everything was ancient in their eyes.
While Jin Ling paled, the group of kids practically cheered. They ran ahead in anticipation, waving in a direction between two buildings and away from the busy market line. Sizhui’s arm pulled back behind his head, ready to launch the ball within reasonable expectations, before he felt two hands snag his forearm.
“Lan Yuan…” The serious weight Jin Ling chewed between his teeth shifted the atmosphere. His eyes darted to others in the market, hesitantly assessing the few nonchalant looks they received.
“It’ll be alright. I’m sure we can trounce a few kids.” A sunny laugh carried Sizhui further down the path with Jin Ling still hanging on.
“We are certainly not-” Jin Ling bit his tongue, fighting off a wave of physical confusion. While his hands grew comfortable digging familiarly into Sizhui’s muscle, his mouth wormed in discomfort. “Even if there’s ten of them and only two of us, shouldn’t you be saying something like, we should hold their hands through it and help them to win?”
Sizhui’s mouth pursed, pushing out his bottom lip. “I thought only you were allowed to hold my hand?” It was unfair and too effective, but Sizhui couldn’t help himself. Getting a close up look of Jin Ling’s face as it contorted fed a warmth deep into Sizhui’s chest, and he wasn’t against feeling it again.
“Come on, if you want to make it sound official you can call it connecting with the people in Lanling. Unless…” His voice dropped, buzzing down in his throat. Glancing out of the side of his eyes and away helped Sizhui push a little bit more. “Unless I made different plans… I’m sorry, I should be able to remember if-”
“That’s alright!” Jin Ling jumped in quickly, exploding to cover his conjured tale. “We can do whatever you want to now. What you said before doesn’t matter.”
Biting at the inside of his cheek stopped Sizhui’s knowing grin from creeping. Jin Ling was very fond of using what he said and didn’t say, wielding it as a toy in the same manner he did as he grabbed the bamboo ball from his hand.
Jin Ling pivoted on the toe of his shoe, arced his arm, and launched the ball directly above the kids who immediately gave chase. A satisfied sigh settled his shoulders as he cocked his head to the side. “I still think we should go a bit easy on them.” He huffed.
“Perhaps.” Sizhui exhaled, feeling the sun streak down his face. Pressing the flat edge of his hand on his brow blocked enough light to see which corner the crowd of kids turned down as he joined Jin Ling’s march. “But not too much, there wouldn’t be any fun in that.”
“Anything with you is fun.” Jin Ling’s brow furrowed, pushing his words out before he had the chance to take them back. Raw and unfiltered, hitting Sizhui in a way he couldn’t pinpoint, until the clarity was as blinding as the sun. “I just like being with you. I like you, so it doesn’t matter what we do.”
Honesty, a strike so piercing it left a clean cut. Dancing around unsaid words and half truths to save himself embarrassment had fogged Sizhui’s mind. The clarity, the lightness of not playing a part, being true to his conscience, was something he had forgotten, but Jin Ling reminded him how easy it could be.
It was what Sizhui had wanted. To understand the motivation behind Jin Ling’s initial lie, to see what the man was hiding underneath. The expectations, obvious answers where it would lead were known. Sizhui realized what it could mean even before he watched Jin Ling sprint toward the laughing children.
He knew, but hearing the truth, seemed to be what his heart wanted before he understood it himself.
Running, heart beating heavy in his chest, pulled him forward. Sizhui didn’t control his laughter as he slid into place to catch the pass of the ball; the honesty felt better. Fighting gravity was for fools, a category Sizhui dared to break out of as he kicked in return.
Jin Ling caught the pass, hair falling off his shoulder as he flicked his head back. He had read Sizhui better than he did himself. He knew where he would run to, how he would move, and he knew his heart, no matter how clumsy he tried to open it up.
But he succeeded. Sizhui had been unaware of himself; why he willingly went along with the act, why his skin burned, why his eyes always found their way back to Jin Ling. Just like hazy memories, he had stored them away to examine closer later, but never touched them too closely. Now bright and undeniable, they were too beautiful to hide away.
If Jin Ling allowed his own vulnerability, Sizhui would join him.
Another sneaky team up by the kids stole the ball right out from Jin Ling’s heel. The sudden snatch left him swaying as he collided with a low, decorative fence. His eyes grew wide when the back of his knees absorbed the shock, setting off a chain reaction for his legs to bend and his weight to shift.
Sizhui reacted ahead of his mind. Receptive to the sound of his heart and the pull in the air near Jin Ling, there was no chance his body would stand by and watch the accident play out. He would trade Jin Ling out for himself again and again if he ever faced the choice more than once. Grabbing Jin Ling’s arm and using the force of momentum to pull him back was Sizhui’s answer.
Once a fool no longer, he chose to follow his own impetus and fall instead.
Water cracked in a splash around him. The laid stone of the shallow canal met his hands, shooting a stinging ache that sang in anger up his arms. A rush of footsteps grew distant, an obvious sign of the kids scattering, but one voice refused to join them.
“Lan Yuan!”
Sizhui blinked away drops of water that dripped off his bangs as his head turned toward the sky. Jin Ling’s leap over the canal’s side was impressive, but really, most things he did were impressive. Done with a flare of pride and vibrant energy, he made it hard to look away.
“Are you alright?” Jin Ling’s concern burst over his lips. His boots sloshed as he moved closer, undeterred entirely about how the shin high water ruined his robes. So worried for him after such a small fall, and yet, Sizhui was the one who refused to allow Jin Ling to take the same one.
Light haloed around Jin Ling’s head. Bent forward, offering a hand out stretched, what Sizhui wouldn’t give to be allowed to stare longer at the mischievous but direct sect leader.
How angles could change appreciation so easily.
Sizhui didn’t hesitate to take the offered hand, and drag Jin Ling down with him. They collided, Jin Ling’s palms bracing him as he landed against Sizhui. There was no time for Jin Ling to gasp and look up to ask questions - Sizhui didn’t want to hear them. What he wanted involved his arms around Jin Ling’s back, and their lips connecting.
Hasty like the rush of his breath, Sizhui forgot the meaning of coordination as his mouth moved in the mess of a kiss they shared. Jin Ling’s eyes froze wide open, unable to even blink while his mouth stayed slack. He tasted like grilling salts and stray drops of muddied water from the canal, and it was better than anything Sizhui had known.
A rolling tide of sounds hit all at once. Jin Ling’s legs stirred the water around as he clambered back, lips squelching softly through broken words. “-I can’t!” His chest heaved as he breathed. Emotions flickered across Jin Ling’s face as flashes of lightning, existing for a blink and leaving just as quick.
“Sizhui I-... I-I can’t do this anymore. I can’t take advantage of you like this.” With reddened lips and a finely cut frown, Jin Ling spilled his secrets, blind to the amused grin Sizhui wore as he watched.
Jin Ling’s hands clasped together as he sat on his knees, ignoring how deep the water soaked into him. “I lied.” He spat the word with bitterness. “You never admitted feelings for me, or asked to court me. None of that happened!”
It wasn’t the canal water that collected in the corners of Jin Ling’s eyes. It was pure crystal and sorrow so stunning Sizhui had to chase it.
Thumbs under Jin Ling’s cheeks, Sizhui wiped away the tears with a hush. “Don’t cry, don’t cry. It’s okay.” His whisper flowed with the balmy breeze, joining him in his caress.
“No, Lan Yuan, you don’t understand!” Jin Ling shook his head, refusing the comfort as his frustration mounted. “I took advantage of your memory loss! I lied to you, made you think you did something when you didn’t, all because…” His lungs demanded he breathed, forcefully creating a pause. Jin Ling swallowed, and his eyes dropped as shame continued bleeding from him. “I did it because I wanted you to like me. So I lied to you. It was underhanded, despicable, and I’ll understand if you’ll never forgive me for it.”
Sizhui’s head rolled along his shoulders, finding more angles for the sun to catch on Jin Ling’s face. His legs rubbed into the wet stone underneath him as his weight shifted, helping him to sit and find a place in Jin Ling’s personal space. “But you were right about one thing.” His voice hung light as he spoke. “I do like you.”
Jin Ling blinked with a scrunched nose. “Did you not hear me?” He rasped with an expression of perplexity. “You don’t like me. I made that up!”
“I know.” Sizhui hummed with a song in the back of his throat.
Again, Jin Ling’s mouth twisted. Comprehending the admission didn’t sit right for him, he refused to believe his deceit wasn’t as awful as it felt in the pit of his stomach.
A laugh rang from Sizhui’s chest. Jin Ling was truly adorable when he knew to look.
“I know, Jin Ling.” Carefully raising his arms, palms out flat, Sizhui lifted Jin Ling’s head up higher; he looked better with his chin raised rather than low in shame. “I’ve known that it was fiction from the start because I also lied.”
Sizhui rolled his bottom lip into his mouth as he chose to face his own remorse. “I never lost my memories of what happened yesterday. It’s still all very clear in my mind.” A small wince was brushed over, deciding not to address the parts he wished he did forget. “Wei-qianbei came to the conclusion himself, and you know convincing him of anything otherwise once he’s decided is difficult.” Another half truth came a little too easily. “So I was aware that what you told me was false from the very beginning.
Licking his lips, shining the rosy tint, Jin Ling relaxed into Sizhui’s hands. It was the smallest addition of weight, but enough to emphasize the moment. “Then why did you go along with it?” The question crowded inside his mouth. Mumbled words rushing to get out and brush over Sizhui’s wrists.
“Call me curious.” A smile naturally melted over Sizhui’s face. The warmth from Jin Ling’s cheeks was immense, nearly impossible to hold in just his two hands. “I wanted to see why you would want me to believe it, but it seems the confession was the truth all along. It just arrived a little early.”
Sizhui’s heart concurred with a rounding shudder. Staring into Jin Ling’s eyes, witnessing every small change, each sigh acting as weight that left his body, Sizhui found no reason to look away. Through veils of words and acts, he had found what he was looking for without even trying.
It was the way it should be, finding it all so naturally.
“But now, I might not believe you when you tell me I forgot what it was like to kiss you.”