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Pa doesn't know.
It’s a thought that weighs at the teenage girl as she wakes up every morning in their small one bedroom apartment. And it weighs on her as she falls asleep. SunnySideUp is what Uncle Fit has always called, a daddy’s girl. Aunt Bagi has always loved to poke her Pa and joke about how good of a girl dad he was.
And trust Sunny when she said her Pa was the best.
He worked tirelessly, more than 10 hour shifts some nights at an oil ring by the docks, he always had enough money for rent and enough food for Sunny to eat no matter how hungry she was. She had a bed and he always splurged on her birthdays. Even if Sunny found him sleeping on a moldy mattress in the lounge room each night and eating nothing but the cheapest ramen noodles. He provided for her, and even if he was busy he made time for her.
Sunny would come home after hanging out with her friends and her Pa would be standing at the door ready to hear every word she spoke, listening intently and gasping at every chance he got, and when she was finished he would announce movie tickets for the film she had spoken to him about before leaving that day, or a suggestion for where her next birthday should be held at that perfectly outlines every condition she had asked for.
Sunny loved her Pa, she loved nothing more.
But no teenager told their parents everything, no matter how easy it would be.
The wind whips outside her window. Knocking the branches against her window as Sunny glanced at the clock by her bed. ‘11:04PM.’ They sigh and listen out to the rest of the apartment where she can hear curses and quickened steps in the dark. She hears the telltale sign of pen scratching against parchment, and it makes her smile. No matter how late he is, he stays and takes the moment to write out a note for when he’ll be home. She waits for the door to creak shut before finally, Sunny takes off her quilt. It’s orange with golden accents shaping the sun, she still remembers drowning in the thing and is certain Pa had a camera around that captured the moment.
It was hard, Sunny found her legs creaking as she came out of bed and walked to her closet, pulling a handmade orange sweater and pulling it over her head. She knew he would worry if he knew. She knew that her Pa would do anything to stop her, but Sunny couldn’t help herself. Leaving the house was easy, one foot in front of the other, slowly climbing down the stairs of her apartment building. The elevator never quite worked so she walked, it helped clear her head, having to do something with her feet, to feel her body move so she wasn’t still.
It’s dark out, she expects that. So Sunny keeps walking, and walking. She walks past the streets, past closed stores and hoped she didn’t run past her Pa, he’d be worried sick if he saw her. But eventually Sunny came across a graveyard. It was worn down and underfunded judging by the rust on the fence as Sunny stared up at it. She didn’t hesitate to look at the brick parts that the gate stemmed from, she grabbed onto the metal, pulling her feet on to the bricks before lifting her hands further up, and pulling. Her muscles ached as she heaved herself up, gathering all her strength before landing on the other side on the grass.
Her feet ache from the fall but Sunny ducks her head down and keeps walking. She doesn’t need to look, only walk. She feels the dirt crunch under her foot as she kept an even pace, until finally. She looked up. Sunny stood in front of a tombstone. She read over the inscription for the thousandth time in her life.
‘JuanaFlippa Cicle’
‘2008-2015’
‘Beloved Daughter’
Sunny smiled and sat down gently, trying not to let her lip wobble. “Your birthday is coming up, is there anything you want?” Sunny asked, hands brushing against her sweater as she brought her knees to her chest, listening to the wind.
A voice whispered in her ear, the sound echoing through the cavern of her thoughts. “Eh, I don’t know about guns, they made gun laws stricter since you last woke up, anything else?” Sunny asked, hearing as the air seemed to grow tense around her, her throat felt tight.
The wind whipped at her face as Sunny cast a glance to her sister, “Hm, I suppose a new dress will do.” Sunny glanced at the dirt under her as she focused in on a single grain. Sunny brought her hands together as the voice grew more audible to her.
‘A dress would make me feel pretty’
The voice sings in her head and Sunny smiles but that smile wobbles as she looks to the ground, rubbing her hands together. “Flippa? Can I ask you something?" The voice hums in response but doesn't dissuade her, so Sunny sighs and looks away from the mist in front of her eyes. “Was your dad good to you?”
The ghost stills, and Sunny grips her legs tighter.
‘I loved our parents.;
Our, our parents. Sunny resisted snorting at the thought. She can remember seeing them as her parents, sat in that office, waiting for the lady in the suit to bring her back to them. Little her was so upset, so upset learning that she never got to go back. But Sunny was 16 now, she knew better. She could look back and see how after Juana had, left, the adults had started fighting more, grabbing each other while drunk and ending up in a frenzy of limbs and kicks. She recalled seeing one or the other being pushed against glass and screaming, blaming the other for why Juana had left.
Pop liked to get high and forget to pick her up at daycare and then after blaming it on dad through the entire call trip. They liked to forget about her for months after, until the daycare called. If Sunny had to guess she would say the home visit didn't go well and CPS took her.
Sunny couldn’t say she cared about it now, after all she had her Pa and he was all she needed, just him. “I know you did, but, what were they like? I don't remember much before you left.”
The ghost stills again but as the conversation goes on she feels more visible. Sunny could look at her and see the outline of an 8 year old who was in the progress of growing out her hair. She remembered her parents arguing over keeping photos of her from before she had asked to grow it out and wear dresses. Would she want to be remembered that way or prefer photos of her like that to be around.
‘Dad always liked his jokes, he loved to play little ploys on us and he was always encouraging me in gymnastics. Papa was gentler and he always loved to put me on his shoulders. I wish they would visit me more. I love them a lot.’ Her voice drifted in and out but Sunny could make out most of her words, and she tried not to feel envy. She tried to be happy that Juana got to be happy.
“Apparently Charlie- er, ‘dad’ contacted the courts about visitation, so, I guess I'll tell him to visit more.” Sunny hugged her knees, she remembered the way her Pa looked after getting off the phone, he was never good at hiding how he felt, she could see the way his fingers twitched but when she asked what it was about he had schooled himself into something calm and had kissed her head before settling down on the couch with her to discuss. Her ‘dad’ was clean, had done tests to prove as much as had written a very tearful apology when pleading for visitation. She didn’t want to see him, she hated the idea. She didn’t want to know who he was and yet here she was forced to.
She had hoped speaking to Juana would help, that hearing how horrible and untrustworthy the guy was would make her feel better that she didn’t want to speak with him. But apparently he had been a great fucking dad. Sunny walked him gritting her teeth and climbed into bed with a groan.
—
“If anything becomes too much poppet i’ll be right outside okay?” Sunny tilted her head and nodded, even if today was going to suck she knew her Pa was here for her, she would be okay if he was here.”I know Pa, it’ll be okay..” Sunny twisted the fabric of her skirt between her fingers as she sat in the waiting room.
“If he says anythin-”
“I know Pa..”
“I swear I will-”
“Yes Pa” Sunny scoffed and rolled her eyes, a small smile fitting across her face and uninterrupted Tubbo began to grumble, discussing the way he would mutilate and maim if she so desired, it was endlessly sweet and Sunny found it helped her relax. At the end of the day the man who had her first had lost all legal rights to her, while he was clean and suitable for visitation he was out of a job and had no legal residence in his name. He was poor, poor, Sunny did not do poor.
It was then it seemed that the door opened to the waiting room and a worker ushered in a man behind her. Sunny had the strangest sense of deja vu. He had pale skin, and light brown hair with strands sticking out from all over the place and big bulky glasses. He sported a bright nervous smile in a white shirt and jeans. Sunny cast him a glance but winced when she caught sight of Juana’s hair tie around his wrist. She could feel how her Pa tensed up beside her, resting a hand on her shoulder and squeezing lightly as Sunny let herself breath.
“Oh! Hi Sunny” Charlie waved, and Sunny pushed herself to smile as she waved back. Cringing internally as she stood up by the worker’s request. She looked over her shoulder to smile at her Pa before she and her biological dad were led to the room. They sat across from one another with a table between.
“Woah Sunny you’ve gotten so much taller, it’s really nice seeing you again, it’s just been so long you know I missed you, so much.” Sunny winced.
“Uhm yeah, I’d say I'm pretty normal height for 16?”
“Right- of course uh,” The man shuffled on his chair, wiping sweaty palms on his pants. Sunny tried not to grimace at him, she was usually a lot more judgmental then this, it was hard to keep it together, to pretend she was okay with it all. “What do you like to.. do?” was what he spluttered out eventually. It was an actual question Sunny could answer thank the heavens. “I like shopping mostly, I'm quite the star. My uh friend Leo is a photographer so i like to model for her photos. Honestly I spend most of my time in the graveyard down south though.”
There was tension in the conversation after that.
“Oh- that's trendy. What for?”
Sunny sighed and ran a hand through her hair, “For Flippa and an old foster parent of mine, you should visit her more you know? Maybe it would do you some good.” She didn’t mean to have it come out that way but Sunny could feel the taste of sour on her tongue and she crossed her arms, taking a glance at Charlie after a moment. He stood slack jawed, and a part of her wanted to feel remorse for opening his wounds, but Juana was lonely and she was doing this for her.
Silence stretches for a minute before a choked sound rips itself from the other man’s throat, Sunny tenses at the display as he heaves and wipes a hand underneath his glasses. “I know.” he whispers softer than he means for her to hear. “I just can't believe she’s dead, and I can’t believe how I acted after it, I'm ashamed.” he mutters, the words just keep coming, soft mutters under his breath as he fails to collect himself.
“I was a horrible father to you. I was a horrible father to her, I was a horrible husband and I fucked everything up Sunny, I know I did, but i’m trying and, I really want to know you. I know I can’t be your dad again, but I just want to know you’re happy.”
Sunny frowns, twisting her hand in the contents of her sweater as she listens to every word. It’s not her job to comfort a grown ass man, she knows that. But there’s something so gratifying in knowing he wasn’t as good as Juana believed he was and it felt good to hear him admit it. To know her experience was real and that someone else knew that. And he was right, he would never be her dad. He would never be the one to wake her up in the morning to a coffee and a kiss on the head, he would never be the person she went to when she was having trouble with her friends.
But he was trying to be better, and he knew it would never be like it could have been, he just wanted to know her. Sunny bit her lip in thought. “I am happy, and I guess… if you don't cross any lines, then… sure.”
“Yeah?”
“yeah…”