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Puckbuddies Does It Again: Podcast Crashes Hockey Betting Pools
For the uninitiated, Puckbuddies is hockey podcast dedicated the analysis of the game. It was founded by none other than Svetlana Vetrova, former analyst for the Boston Bears, daughter of Soviet goalie Sergei Vetrov, and long-time friend of Ilya Rozanov, of Ottawa Centaurs fame. On its staff, the podcast also sports retired center Shane Hollander, who retired last year following a severe injury to his left leg.
While the podcast’s claim to fame is the middle segment, dedicated to stories of Shane Hollander’s life before his marriage, hardcore hockey gamblers have flocked to the stream for the first third of the show. After Vetrova’s analysis of the Boston Bears’ defense pattern, her former employer suffered a string of devastating losses to the hands of teams regaled as the worst in the league—
Shane watched, impressed as always, as Harris hooked several microphones into a sound panel, adjusted the dials from memory, and adjusted pop filters that—no matter how hard he tried—Shane could never get to do anything but flop sadly over on their mounts. “How do you do that so fast?”
Eyes flicking up to the man who was once hailed as the greatest hockey player in the league, Harris snorted. “You’re asking me that?”
“Yes?” came the puzzled reply, dark eyes furrowing in open confusion.
Across the room, Svetlana stood by the door, speaking in swift Russian to someone over the phone. She said her goodbyes, then walked over, heels clacking on the hardwood floors. Her hand disappeared into her purse. When it came out, she brought with it a slightly rumpled magazine that flopped open onto the table. “Alright. We will be talking about rookies today.”
“Why? So we can fuck up the draft this time?” Shane drawled, all good humor. He didn’t need to read the cover to know what article she had brought in.
“So we don’t end up with another travesty, such as Ilya claiming the number one spot in the draft.”
“He earned it.”
“You were better.” She threw a grin his way. “And cuter.”
Shane rolled his eyes. Stepping around the table, he settled into his usual seat and reached for the notebook there. “Alright. So who are we covering first?”
Svetlana: Hello and welcome, everyone, to the fourth episode of Puckbuddies. I’m your host, Svetlana, former advisor for the Boston Bears, and former Ilya Rozanov exclusive Puckbunny—
Shane: —and I’m Shane hollander, former center for the Ottawa Centaurs, and former—
[His voice cracked.]
Shane: —fuckbuddy—
[He cleared his throat.]
Shane: —and now husband of, uh, Ilya Rozanov—
Svetlana: —and we’re here to bring you the deepest dive into hockey you never knew you wanted. Now, Shane, what is the focus of today’s episode?
Shane: The International Prospect Cup.
Svetlana: And for those new listeners, what is the International Prospect Cup?
Shane: It’s were we put a bunch of hormonal teenagers in a room, strap razor blades to their feet, and watch them fight for the chance to be a millionaire.
Svetlana: You heard it here first, folks. Professional sports are Who Wants to Be a Millionaire for dummies.
Shane: They’re not dummies. They’re just kids.
Svetlana: It’s a reference and a joke, Janie. I don’t mean it seriously.
Shane: I know, but the economy is in shambles and that kind of money provides a lot of stability.
Svetlana: God, you’re adorable. How the hell did Ilya lock you down?
[Svetlana clears her throat.]
Svetlana: Now, let’s talk about these boys. Are there any that you think, in particular, will place in the draft?
Shane: Well, there’s one kid in particular that I think should place pretty high, just because of his adaptability: Joey Nguyen.
Svetlana: I haven’t seen him play, yet, but his stats are horrendous. He’s a center who’s good at stealing the puck, but no follow through. He hasn’t had any goals or assists in two years.
Shane: Yeah, but here’s the thing—I think that’s the strategy. This kid gets the puck in eight out of every ten faceoffs, but his wings are getting all the goals and assists. He has no checks, avoids confrontation, and likes to skate in front of the crease right before his teammates take a shot, blocking the goalkeeper’s view. He’s fast, is good at dodging, and he’s able to get that puck in a split second. I think he’s memorized the timing of how long it takes the puck to drop, so he can be there when it hits. Which makes sense, because he spent two years figure skating before joining hockey.
Svetlana: Sounds like I’m going to have to review this kid’s footage.
Shane: Is there anyone you’re keeping your eyes on?
Svetlana: Two. Vitali Andreev and Anatoliy Ivanov.
Shane: Russian, as always.
Svetlana: We are the best.
Shane: I’m not going to argue with that. Now, Andreev I get. He’s got a great save ratio on the puck, and several games where the opponent couldn’t score. But why Ivanov?
Svetlana: Because he’s only been playing hockey for two years, but we’ve watched him go from stumbling over the ice to placing second in a skills competition for fastest skater three months ago. He is progressing at an incredible pace. Personally, I think he should spend another year or two in juniors before moving up to the NHL. He would benefit from the experience, but it would also give him the time to build a solid foundation for himself. Though his progression could always plateau, leaving whomever he signed with wanting. He’s someone we should watch very closely for the next year.
[Bell tone]
Svetlana: Now, Shane, the other day I dragged Ilya out of lunch. While we waited for our food, he mentioned that the two of you first met at your International Prospect Cup. Care to elaborate?
Shane: Yeah. It was in Regina back in 2008. We were both centers. I was playing for Ottawa and he was playing for Moscow.
Svetlana: Yes, but how did you meet?
Shane: …
Svetlana: Is it embarrassing?
Shane: A little?
Svetlana: Should I make popcorn?
Shane: Please don’t.
[Shane sighed.]
Shane: Look. Okay. So we were both seventeen. I was all about hockey— Don’t look at me like that! Okay, fine, I was even more focused on hockey than I am now. Happy?
Svetlana: Happier.
Shane: God, you’re just like him.
[Shane laughed.]
Shane: Okay. So. I had seen a lot of footage of him, okay? We had cable growing up, and mom had gotten the Russian sports channel because they had hockey, and we were a hockey household. Dad played, mom watched, and I was learning. And I just… I became a little obsessed with him.
Svetlana: Define “a little”.
Shane: I, uh… When I saw him, I kinda followed him behind the building when he left to smoke, and… maybe cornered him in front of a no smoking sign. And I introduced myself.
[Svetlana huffed a laugh.]
Svetlana: So your first introduction to Ilya—you being the man who famously never leaves his house or introduces himself to anyone, as straight-laced as they come—was to follow a stranger out of a building, around back, and introduce yourself to them while they committed a crime?
Shane: … Yeah, that sounds about right. And I told him he wasn’t supposed to smoke there.
[Svetlana coughed.]
Shane: Shit, are you—
[The hollow sound of a glass bottle falling on hardwood, and liquid pouring out.]
Shane: Fuck, I’m sorry, I—
Harris: Oh god, the cider’s everywhere.
[Svetlana laughed.]
Svetlana: You’re so precious.
Shane: I’m so sorry. I just— The cider, and—
Svetlana: I know you are, Mr. Lightweight. Now sit back down. It’s already cleaned up, so let’s move on to the next section, shall we?
Shane: Right. Right, sure.
[Bell tone.]
Svetlana: Now, we’ve gotten a few more submissions than usual this week, according to Harris, so we can’t read all of them.
Harris: Eighty percent of them are about Ilya.
Shane: Oh my god.
Svetlana: Don’t sound so disappointed.
Harris: Most of what we receive every week is about Ilya.
Svetlana: Well, he does have a history, a reputation, two Stanley cups, and a big dick.
Shane: Please tell me you’re going to censor that—
Harris: Oh, absolutely not.
[Shane groaned.]
Shane: Why did I ever agree to this show?
Svetlana: Because you love talking about hockey. Now, Harris here has looked through, vetted, and printed out the best two for us to read this week. You get the first one.
Shane: How bad is it?
[Silence.]
Shane: Not inspiring a lot of confidence here, guys.
[Shane sighed.]
Shane: Alright. Whatever.
[Shane cleared his throat.]
Shane: Dear Puckbuddies, I need to tell you about the time I hooked up with Ilya in a bathroom at a music festival in Boston. But when I say bathroom, I mean a port-o-potty between— What the fuck?
Harris: It gets worse, trust me.
Shane: Isn’t it supposed to get BETTER?
Svetlana: No.
Shane: Jesus. Whatever. Okay, so a port-o-potty between a trailer reserved for some billionaire that never actually showed up and a hill that would later collapse in a landslide and kill two people… Jesus Christ.
Svetlana: Oh, wow.
Shane: It was some of the best standing…
[His voice squeaked.]
Shane: It was some of the best standing… sex… I ever had. But after we got out we ran into my ex of two hours, who just lost it. Ilya just started walking off, and my ex tried to grab him, but Ilya just laid him out with a punch to the face. My ex’s shoulder slammed into the trailer, denting it, and he just kind of ragdolled. Ilya went through his pockets, took his phone, dialed 911, didn’t bother putting it back and instead just stuck the phone in my ex’s mouth, and told me to stick around for the paramedics before walking off. My ex’s collarbone and cheekbone were fractured, and the staff for the billionaire saw the whole thing and tried to make me pay for the damage. They took me to court. Thankfully it was my ex who ended up on the line for the charges.
Svetlana: You know, I expected this to be worse.
Shane: I then met him again several years later, at a bar. He was on his phone. When I went up to him, I planned to thank him. For punching my ex and basically charging him money. But also because my ex never bothered me after that. But when I went up to thank him, he just stared down at his phone. When he finally looked up at me, it was like he was looking at a rotting corpse or something. He gave me this once over, and then raised his eyebrows like I wasn’t good enough for him. What an asshole.
Svetlana: You know… I think I was there for that.
Shane: You were?
Svetlana: Yeah, it’s around when you and him were texting like crazy. He could barely pay attention whenever we went out. He was living in his phone. It was pathetic.
Harris: Oh, that’s so sweet!
Shane: He did?
Svetlana: Whatever. Where’s my page?
[A sheet of paper snaps, then there’s the hiss of it being pushed across the table.]
Shane: Oh, looks like that part of the table was still wet.
Svetlana: I’ll live. Now…
Shane: …
Svetlana: …
Shane: …
Svetlana: …
Shane: Is something wrong?
Svetlana: Couldn’t this get Ilya arrested?
Harris: Not now that he’s a Canadian citizen.
Svetlana: Are you sure?
Harris: I looked it up. The statute of limitations has also expired, and he was a minor at the time.
Shane: … What did my husband do?
[Svetlana sighed.]
Svetlana: In Moscow back in 2005, right after I finished school, I went to a party with a bunch of other graduates. For some reason, Ilya was there. He was still a student.
Shane: 2005. He would have been like… 14, right?
Harris: Why do you look like you’ve seen a ghost?
Shane: Nothing. I just hope this isn’t another sex story.
Harris: It’s not, don’t worry.
Svetlana: Everyone was messing around. Some people were fucking, others were smoking, and some exchange students had some harder stuff. I wasn’t around them, though. Ilya wasn’t, either. He was over with the ones drinking heavily. After a while, they ran out of booze, and someone went off to get more. Ilya, for some reason, went with them. Probably because he looked older than he was and could get away with a lot. I went with them to get some smokes, and we all went to this store nearby that didn’t have a liquor license, but sold it under the table to drunks. We went in, and Ilya immediately used the distraction of the other student buying vodka to duck behind the counter and steal like six packs of cigarettes, just shoving them in his pockets.
[Shane groaned.]
Svetlana: And that’s when a car drove through the side of the building.
Shane: When a what, now?
Svetlana: Stuff went everywhere. Everyone in our group was either pinned down by shelves, or had been hit with something that went flying. The cashier was on the ground. A drunk guy, like, stumbled out of the car, bleeding everywhere, and Ilya kind of shot up behind the counter like a meerkat, looking around at all the damage. He grabbed, like, five more packs of cigarettes, shoved them into his pockets, called for an ambulance on the store’s landline, then took off.
Shane: Why am I seeing a pattern here?
Harris: I chose these two stories specifically because they were so alike.
Svetlana: He kind of saved my life. But in the end, I had to pay for the cigarettes. They weren’t cheap. It was, like, $80 in USD today. That’s a lot of money to an 18 year old.
[Shane groaned, long and low, as Harris laughed.]
Svetlana: Harris, give me this person’s email when we're done. They’re getting their $80 back.
Shane: I don’t think $80 would be nearly enough to cover this.
Svetlana: $160?
Shane: More. Way more.
Svetlana: You’re right. $500.
Shane: At least.
Harris: You heard it here first, folks. Ilya Rozanov, you owe this person $500.